Was My Husband with Somebody Else? Graham and Maria weigh in...

7:09Graham Norton:Yeah, and also people don't want half-price biscuits.

7:12Maria McErlane:You take the label off. And you take the label that says best before.

7:18Graham Norton:No, I don't really do that. Maria? Yes? Our post bag is bulging. And we're going to get to it in just a moment.

7:28Graham Norton:Maria? Yes? I beg you, read our first dilemma from a thing that is in an envelope.

7:38Maria McErlane:How is that possible? I don't know.

7:44Maria McErlane:I'm going to become hysterical very soon. Dear Graham and Maria.

7:48Graham Norton:That's us.

7:49Maria McErlane:Yes, it is. That's good, isn't it? They've written to the right people. My husband works way a lot, driving all over the UK, meeting new customers and often staying away for a night every few weeks. We got married last year and have been very much in the honeymoon period. However, recently he was away for a night and I'm certain that he was with someone else. He usually calls, sends photos, texts while he's away. But on this night, I heard nothing. I confronted him and he said nothing happened. I don't believe him. But should I blow up our marriage by pushing this issue and asking questions or just sweep it under the rug and move on.

8:31Maria McErlane:Was it just a blip? Is this all in my head or should I listen to my gut? And that is from Anonymous. Oh, it's only been a year since you got married. Why are you breaking this so quickly? Wait a minute. As far as we know, nothing's happened. Well, yes. She knows he goes away to work. She knows he stays away one night And there's nothing from what she says in this letter that indicates anything suspicious.

9:04Graham Norton:No, I think, no. If there's a mode of behavior, if there's a kind of a got to the travel lodge safe or in the cab, you know, that kind of thing. Travel lodge.

9:15Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just got to stay somewhere. Yeah, yeah. No, I understand.

9:18Graham Norton:And premier in.

9:19Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah, no, good. We've been about advertising.

9:21Graham Norton:Then if there's that thing where he sends a text and then, you know, whatever, sends funny pictures, whatever, this night, crickets. Now, one, I understand, Anonymous, your gut is telling you something. But I think unless you've married an idiot, and let's not discount that as a theory. No, no, no. He would know to not just have radio silence because her indoors will figure it out. Yeah. So you think, you know, while he's having his way with some stranger, he would be over the shoulder sending a funny text.

9:56Maria McErlane:Over the shoulder. Very good. But also, he should really have said, sorry, no texts or funny photos or whatever last night, but I had to take the client out for dinner.

10:08Graham Norton:I mean, she doesn't say... He's a long-distance driver. What client is he taking out for dinner?

10:17Graham Norton:the sides of pork in the back of my van needed some attention

10:25Maria McErlane:see I didn't really take that bit in the long distance lorry driver so if he's a long distance lorry driver then he doesn't need a premier in he stays in his cab he stays in his cab they've got beds and everything

10:35Graham Norton:no he's driving all over the UK meeting new customers you're probably right I'm wrong there was no mention of a lorry I don't know where I got the lorry from

10:42Maria McErlane:OK, well, let's be honest, neither of us were really paying attention to that letter, were we?

10:47Graham Norton:We both got driving.

10:49Maria McErlane:It's because it's from anonymous. I mean, when they tell me their names, then I'm interested and invested. Anonymous, not so much. I think you are already starting something that you don't need to be. You've got no proof of anything. You knew that he was going to stay away once a week or once every few weeks or whatever. So I just feel that maybe, Anonymous, you need to be doing something more than worrying about this, sort of having your own bit of life or going out with your friends or going to the cinema or whatever, so that you're not thinking, what's he doing now? I think your gut knows something.

11:25Maria McErlane:Oh, Graham.

11:26Graham Norton:If there's been a funny thing in the pattern of behavior and Anonymous is sitting at home thinking, oh, that's odd. You know what I mean? if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, all that. Something's odd here. And him going, oh, nothing happened. What does that mean, nothing happened?

11:48Maria McErlane:It means that she's making a mountain out of a molehill.

11:52Graham Norton:No, but he could at least say, oh, my phone died or the stupid thing on my phone, the charger wasn't working. I had to get a new one. You know, something.

12:01Maria McErlane:It's almost like when he got home, he said, who are you with? What are you talking about? Nothing happened. I'm working.

12:07Graham Norton:Yeah.

12:08Maria McErlane:But, all right, so the question that she's asking, Anonymous, is should she blow this up and make something out of it? No. Well, that's my feeling, no.

12:17Graham Norton:But be on your guard, Anonymous. Oh, goodness. I think you listen to your gut. Something's happened here, or maybe nothing's happened, but in your head something's happened. So keep an eye on this. The other thing I would say is if he did sleep with someone else that night in the hotel, got a bit drunk, had too many drinks or whatever. What are you going to do? Is this a deal breaker? Are you leaving him? So I think those are the sorts of things you've got in your head, kind of going, so what if he did? What if he did? Are you going to forgive him? You probably are.

12:53Maria McErlane:You see, on my feeling about this, about infidelity, maybe it's because we're a bit older and have been around the block a few times, is that it's very different for men to women. Women feel emotionally distraught by things like that, whereas men, it's a physical release. I mean, what is it? Is it Kathy Burke that says men will a ham sandwich?

13:15Graham Norton:Yes, I think that's fair.

13:16Maria McErlane:Yeah. And so, you know, it's a physical thing rather than I'm emotionally invested in this person and want to see them again. And also, here's the thing, it isn't an affair. No.

13:27Graham Norton:Because he's driving around the country. so you'll never see this person again.

13:30Maria McErlane:If anything happened. Yeah, but all it does tell you if somebody is doing that is that they're lying to you and then that destroys trust, which is very important in a relationship. But I do think, Anonymous, that you're probably making something out of nothing already and it's only been a year. You're still in your honeymoon period.

13:50Graham Norton:They were. That over.

13:52Maria McErlane:It normally takes a little bit longer for somebody to stop.

13:55Graham Norton:But the good thing is, I think in a way, Good that Anonymous didn't just let her go crazy. She said something or he said something. Yeah. And now partner should be... On guard. On guard? And sending all those texts and everything. You know, so don't let her or him spin into a cycle of suspicion and mistrust.

14:21Maria McErlane:Although, yeah, I feel as well that if somebody suspects you of something and is not trusting you, sooner or later, you're going to give them something to suspect because you suddenly feel got at or a bit too, it's a bit cloying. Yes. It's a bit too intense. It's a bit much. You go, oh, get away from me. So both of those things are wrong. Yeah, it's odd that it's never crossed your mind before,

14:47Graham Norton:given that he's away so much and driving and meeting new customers and everything. Yeah. So it's odd that it's never crossed your mind before. Or is it something to do with now that you're married, you're looking for trouble?

14:58Maria McErlane:Yeah, I think maybe you're right, Graham.

15:00Graham Norton:All I would say is maybe something's happened you don't know. It's happened once. I would just file it away as a slight suspicion, but I don't go on about this because you're right. The yak, yak, yak, it's going to make things worse, particularly if nothing happened. If nothing happened, it's going to drive him insane.

15:21Maria McErlane:See, it's interesting in Anonymous's letter that she didn't let us know what his reasoning was for the no texts or no photos.

15:29Graham Norton:Did he? I mean, because nothing happened makes it sound like something happened.

15:33Maria McErlane:But, you know, we don't know. Did his phone die? Was he out with the client? Or, you know, she doesn't give us things, so we haven't got all the information.

15:42Graham Norton:Yeah, a bit of trouble parking. You know, we don't know. Late into the night. It would take me all night to Parallel Park. Driving around. Sorry I couldn't call you. I was having to parallel park. It took to four in the morning. Shall we see? Yes. Our wangers who emailed wangingon at listen.co.uk, they had eyes on these problems early and they've given us some responses.

16:08Maria McErlane:Yes, Wayne says, next time he's away, call him out of the blue for a chat and see how he behaves. That'll tell you if he's up to no good or not. You see, Wayne, that's already being suspicious and cloying and clinging.

16:21Graham Norton:Yeah, and also, you know, if he's any good, it won't tell you anything.

16:26Maria McErlane:Oh, men are hopeless at covering up their nonsense.

16:28Graham Norton:Well, I mean, that's why I think maybe he did do something.

16:31Maria McErlane:Jasmine says, if you've confronted him and he said nothing happened, why don't you believe him? That's the real dilemma here. I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and stop being so paranoid. Kind of with you, Jasmine, on that one.

16:44Graham Norton:Except you're not paranoid if he is sleeping with people every time he goes away. You know, you're only paranoid if nothing's happening. If it's not true, yeah.

16:53Maria McErlane:Neil says, you're completely overreacting and I feel really sorry for your husband. He probably just went to bed early. You need to get over this and move on.

17:03Graham Norton:I mean, I agree with that. You do need to get over this and move on because you're not going to end your marriage over this thing. But, you know, listen to your gut slightly.

17:13Maria McErlane:Yeah. Changed a lot. Holly says, why don't you suggest you accompany him on his next work trip for fun?

17:23Graham Norton:I'd rather my partner had an affair than I had to go on their work trip.

17:27Maria McErlane:You can make a romantic evening of it and remind him where his loyalties are at the same time. No, Holly, no.

17:35Graham Norton:Your loyalties, this now.

17:39Maria McErlane:Sonia says, oh, download one of those tracking apps. then you constantly have peace of mind because you can see where he is at all times his hotel room shagging someone

17:53Graham Norton:what's that got to tell you? yes he was in bed all night

17:58Maria McErlane:Sonia we've gone from zero to you know put a tracker on him what you really need is one of those heart monitor things that show you

18:06Graham Norton:that's oh Maria that's genius yeah do you see

18:10Maria McErlane:yes There was a murder case, you know, where a wife was murdered by her husband and he really covered his track in forensics and everything. He had done it all right. He had watched all the crime programs. However, his Apple Watch showed frenetic activity between the time of 12 midnight and quarter past 12 when she was murdered. And he was having a wank at the same time.

18:39Maria McErlane:Multitasking. What a coincidence. It's so rare for me to be able to do that.

18:44Graham Norton:That is astonishing. Well, thank you very much for that problem, Anonymous. I hope you sort things out. Second dilemma on its way. This episode is brought to you by EDF, Britain's biggest generator of zero carbon electricity. Now, have you gone electric yet, Maria?

19:00Maria McErlane:Gone what now?

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19:22Maria McErlane:Zero upfront cost Sounds very good to me, Graham

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20:12Graham Norton:By any chance, do we have a second envelope to open?

20:15Maria McErlane:We do. I'm doing it on purpose now. No, I'm not.

20:20Graham Norton:No, you're not.

20:21Maria McErlane:Here we are. Dear Graham and Maria, there's a gorgeous guy in my gym. he flashes a smile in my direction every now and then but I can't tell if he's actually gay or not. I'm flashing a smile.

20:36Graham Norton:Ugh.

20:38Maria McErlane:Of course, in my head, I've convinced myself he absolutely is. I just don't know how to progress things or even start a conversation for that matter. I'm so used to swiping endlessly instead of meeting people in real life. IRL. And yes, I've done the thing of looking for him on certain apps. No joy. Advice, please. And that is from Stefan. Stop beating yourself up, Stefan, over this. You can just say to him in the gym when he smiles at you, it seems pretty positive to me, do you fancy getting a coffee after this? I'm doing the actions when he's doing the barbells. Oh, I see. And I'm going...

21:16Graham Norton:I thought that was drinking coffee.

21:17Maria McErlane:Do you... Do you fancy getting a coffee after this? You see, I'm miming it. Okay. No. No. Okay, well, then sidle past him and say, hi, have you got time for a coffee afterwards?

21:30Graham Norton:He flashes a smile in my direction every now and then. See, I'm imagining Stefan is just in the gym staring at this guy.

21:40Maria McErlane:And he's flashing a smile.

21:41Graham Norton:Every time he looks, yeah, hi, yeah. I just, I play it cool, Stefan.

21:47Maria McErlane:Why, life is so short, Graham, to play it cool. How long is he going to be lusting after this man?

21:52Graham Norton:Well, here's the thing, gay or straight.

21:54Maria McErlane:Yes.

21:54Graham Norton:You can talk to him.

21:56Maria McErlane:Exactly, that's what I'm saying, have a coffee.

21:57Graham Norton:No, you were doing weird mimes, which were very confusing.

22:00Maria McErlane:Oh, okay, well then, you know, here's me being Stefan now. Hi, how are you doing today?

22:04Graham Norton:Back off, I'm not gay.

22:09Maria McErlane:I was just wondering where you got your shorts from.

22:11Graham Norton:Yeah, none of your business. You're so rude.

22:15Maria McErlane:No, I think gay or straight, you can say to somebody, do you want to fancy a coffee? And then when you have a coffee, you will find out. You will find out when he starts talking about Barbara Streisand or he starts talking about his wife.

22:26Graham Norton:Yeah, or it's things like, you know, what, are you busy this weekend? That kind of, that sort of chat. What are you up to? Got any plans for the weekend? Yeah, yeah. Because those can tell you a lot.

22:37Maria McErlane:Yes, of course.

22:38Graham Norton:You know, if I'm going to...

22:39Maria McErlane:You mean general conversation? Yeah, kind of, well, no, but like,

22:41Graham Norton:as in kind of a, well, I'm, you know, going to Heaven Nightclub on Saturday night and then I'm, you know, hopefully we'll end up fire. You're thinking, oh, probably gay. You know, fingers crossed. Or very upset wife at home. He hasn't texted for hours. Does he drive around the country once a week? Slashing a smile now and then. I think, Stefan, this isn't as hard as you think. Once you speak to this man... You will know. Well, there'll be clues. Yeah. I also think, Stefan, and I don't want to bring in your parade in any way, but because men are quite simple and quite straightforward, if he was interested, I think a conversation would have happened by now rather than just a kind of shebe smile.

23:27Graham Norton:Or he's gay and here's the thing, has a boyfriend. So, you know, it's like, oh, if he's gay, great. It's got to be, you know, all guns blazing. That's not enough.

23:38Maria McErlane:I feel Stefan is quite enjoying, though, the possibility. You know, sometimes the chase is more interesting. And so he quite likes this little flirtation in his head. We don't know what this other guy is feeling. But nobody's going to kind of rebuff you and say, no, you're not for me or whatever. Well, he might do. But if he's gay, good. But he might have a boyfriend. Also, in gyms, don't things happen in the changing rooms?

24:03Graham Norton:Not for poor old Stefan. No.

24:05Maria McErlane:Well, why don't you follow him? Why don't you lurk about in the changing rooms, Stefan? And, you know, keep your pants off for quite a long time.

24:13Graham Norton:Yeah, keep dropping your towel and see what happens.

24:15Maria McErlane:Oh, no, my towel again.

24:17Graham Norton:It's so heavy. I can't. After all that training, I'm too weak.

24:23Maria McErlane:I kind of feel that Stefan is possibly quite young. What do you think?

24:26Graham Norton:Also, I think, you know, Stefan's putting a lot on this, is he gay or is he straight? And actually, that's just one little step towards something. Because, as I say, he could be in a relationship, he could not fancy you, he could, you know, all sorts of things.

24:44Maria McErlane:Yeah, he could be straight, but even so, dropping your towel in the shower. Is a good idea. No, it's not. No, I don't know. I don't understand the world anymore.

24:54Graham Norton:I just feel like a conversation can happen here. Of course it can. Gay, straight, single, whatever. You can chat to this person. And if he is interested, which again, I fear probably isn't. Because, like I say. Because you're quite negative. Well, no, I think just men are quite straightforward. You know, he's not going to be, men are not enigmatic. If he wanted to have sex with Stefan, they'd be having sex right now.

25:20Maria McErlane:They might be. This letter is quite old. Exactly, you never know. This could be far too late. I'm invested in Stefan, and I want to know how this pans out. So, Stefan, can you get in touch and let us know? If you can. Do you know what? My gaydar is very good. Stefan, if you let me know which gym it is, I'll pop by. Because my gaydar is never, ever wrong.

25:40Graham Norton:Shall we find out what the wangers had to say?

25:42Maria McErlane:Yes, let's. Here we go. Roman. That's a nice name. Roman. Oh, love the name.

25:47Graham Norton:Oh, marvellous.

25:47Maria McErlane:Next time you make eye contact, wink at him. He'll either look flirtatious or be repelled. There's your answer.

25:55Graham Norton:I think even if he fancied you before, he'll be repelled.

25:59Maria McErlane:Winking is a bit over, isn't it?

26:01Graham Norton:Yeah. Someone called Stefan can't wink at you. No.

26:05Maria McErlane:Craig says, no matter how good your gaydar is, you can't always tell just from looking at a person. I think gay men can. And you have to start that conversation. Make small talk about the facilities or the weather. It could be anything. Then once you've established a rapport, ask if he has any nice plans for the weekend. He went to the same gay school as you did. Yes. And then listen out for any clues.

26:30Graham Norton:Very good. See, back in the olden days, it was so easy. Why? Because, you know, because gay men would go to gay bars and that would be the end of it. but now, you know, gay men go to just ordinary bars, regular bars, you know and so you kind of think, well, straight people go there too, now I don't know I want certainty

26:48Maria McErlane:What are you saying? We should segregate again? Yes, we should Have we got a voice note? We do, from Fleur Oh, Fleur, what do you say? As a lesbian myself, I know how hard it can be when you fancy someone

26:59Graham Norton:but you have no idea what their sexuality is but you need to start this conversation somewhere so why don't you ask him to spot you and then maybe compliment his clothes and then maybe ask him what his weekend plans are

27:11Maria McErlane:and then take it from there. Everyone wants to know about the weekend. Yes. It's a good idea though, Fleur.

27:17Graham Norton:The spotting thing is a good start, except then you've got to do it. Yeah. Then you've got to feign interest in their workouts. Yeah, great form.

27:26Maria McErlane:No, but if you get someone to spot you and then you lift the lightest weight there is so you look particularly pathetic. Ow! Oh! Your form's so great, can you show me how to do it? No, but that's good advice, Fleur, I think, in the gym, certainly. Oh, help with stretching.

27:44Graham Norton:That's very sexual.

27:46Maria McErlane:No, but I think that's a bit too out there.

27:48Graham Norton:Well, if he's interested, he'll be very keen.

27:50Maria McErlane:Do you want some help with stretching?

27:52Graham Norton:Yeah. Let me push your legs over your head.

28:03Graham Norton:That's done it.

28:04Maria McErlane:I think there are easier ways to find out. Josh says, the answer is music. If you see him with his headphones in, make innocent conversation, ask what he's listening to. If it's anything like my Ariana Grande gym playlist, you might be onto something.

28:21Graham Norton:That's not a bad shout, but again, again, metrosexuality has ruined all of this. Well, yeah, because we all listen, you know,

28:31Maria McErlane:heteronormative music.

28:32Graham Norton:Yeah, a straight guy could be listening to Dua Lipa.

28:34Maria McErlane:Yes, it's so true. Yeah. Piper says, do you both work out alone? I think when you're... If so, why don't you offer to spot him and vice versa? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great icebreaker. You'll easily get chat in. Plus, all that sweat and testosterone is a guaranteed turn-on, if he's gay, that is.

28:51Graham Norton:Stefan, thanks for getting in touch. We're very excited to hear about any developments, so do let us know. Just time before we finish up for an Am I Weird. What have we got?

29:01Maria McErlane:Yes. Hi, Graham and Maria. Am I weird that I say goodbye to my house when I go on holiday? I can't be the only one. I just nip into each room and say, love you, bye. That's from Grace. I think that's quite sweet. You don't when you go on holiday.

29:21Graham Norton:Don't do every room. That's when Grace lost me when she was going into every room. Into the loo. I just do it into the hall as I leave. And I don't say love you. I go, bye, house.

29:33Maria McErlane:Bye, house. I've known you a long time and I would never have said you do that.

29:37Graham Norton:Yeah, I do.

29:37Maria McErlane:And what about when you left your house that you had lived in for a long time?

29:42Graham Norton:That was, you know, see you never.

29:46Maria McErlane:I know, but when I had a house in Acton, I think you went there in London, and I left and it had been a horrible house and a split up relationship, I just left, got in the taxi and never looked back. Yeah. Perhaps if a house is a very happy house, then you do.

30:01Graham Norton:But also I think you're right. You do a kind of a, I feel like you, it's the end of something. And yes, there's a kind of a sadness because you have a lot of memories attached to that. But how exciting to be moving on.

30:15Maria McErlane:Yeah, a new adventure. I don't know if it's sadness. I think nostalgia for times that you've spent there and memories of that. But I think always keep moving forward.

30:24Graham Norton:Yes, I remember a friend of mine, his relationship broke down. and so they shared a lovely house in Clapham or whatever, the two of them and the movers came to take his stuff out and brought him to the flat that he was moving into and as they were going into the flat the movers said to him, what happened?

30:42Maria McErlane:Oh no!

30:46Graham Norton:It's hard to feel like new adventure when even the mover is going, dear God here, you're going to live here

30:55Maria McErlane:You don't need to pay us for this one it's on us mate That's very sad No, but I don't think you're weird I think it's very sweet Yes But holidays, yeah Yeah, no, Grace, you're adorable

31:08Graham Norton:Not weird at all Not weird at all We're going not weird We've reached the end of this week's podcast

31:13Maria McErlane:And not a moment too soon Do follow our Instagram page for lots of fun clips and things like that We're on at wangingon And that's where we've also put some information for proper support and advice because we're not experts.

31:28Graham Norton:I never said we were. No. By the way, if you want to reach out and share a dilemma with us, you can just email us wangingon at listen.co.uk.

31:36Maria McErlane:And Wanging On with Graham and Maria is a Listen production.

31:40Graham Norton:It's all true. See you next time. Bye.

31:42Maria McErlane:Bye.

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