You Want to Watch Ugly People Cop Off?!

4:21Graham Norton:When I'm so busy, busy, busy, that inbox won't read itself.

4:24Maria McErlane:What I quite like being by the coast is I've got one of those big dry robes everyone hates. I mean, it's a coat, for goodness sake. There's a whole Facebook page dedicated to dry robe. I think it's called Wankers. Dry robe Wankers. And I keep thinking, guys, it's a coat. You know, there are other things. There are other hills to die on. But how do dry robes become a thing? Because you're right. It is just a coat. Get a coat. Well, it started in Ireland, the whole dry road wanking. Is it? You know, there's that bit in Dublin where they all go to swim. Oh, yeah. The sea. Yeah. The sea, that's right.

4:57Maria McErlane:But there's a whole bay, which is like a trendy bay. It was in Sisters with Sharon Horgan, etc.

5:02Graham Norton:The 40 foot, I think it's called.

5:03Maria McErlane:They decided that they were taking, again, the dry robes. And so they had to do a separate area for dry robe wearers. And, I mean, it just is like there's wars going on in the world. but no, let's take it to the wire on the dry robe. So I think that's where it started. And then on these dry robe wanker groups, they spot dry robes in the wild, like as far away from the sea as possible.

5:26Graham Norton:Oh, and that'll be you.

5:26Maria McErlane:That'll be me today. I'm in London. Hey, everyone.

5:30Graham Norton:Come throw eggs at me. Actually, I hadn't even thought of that. I did because I saw you downstairs and you were wearing your dry robe. Yes, you're quite far from any form of pond or anything.

5:38Maria McErlane:But it is so, so comfortable and so warm and I like to think of it as my shoplifting coat. No, I don't. I was just joking. It's very big and voluminous, you see. There are quite a few things missing from here later on that I will be taking in all my pockets of my dry robe. And what about other things in life that we're adapting to as we go to? Because I seem to remember you once in your take that phase, you had sort of highlights in your hair.

6:08Graham Norton:I did go kind of frosted tip for a little while there.

6:11Maria McErlane:I like that notion.

6:12Graham Norton:I remember when I left college, I bleached my hair. True. Bleached my hair. And I remember I was in America, and I said something to someone about, you know, dyeing my hair. And she looked so shocked. And she went, you dye your hair? And I went, yeah. I mean, I thought it was obvious. And she went, no, no, I just thought you couldn't have chosen that color. she just thought nature had given me yellow hair

6:42Maria McErlane:well of course in the olden days you used to put sun in if you were on holiday or lemon juice or lemon juice but the sun bleached up sun in so you'd have lovely blonde tresses just you know beach babe hair but then after a week or two it went really orange oh it just didn't stay blonde once you were out of the sun back in England i.e.

7:02Graham Norton:no one talks about that

7:02Maria McErlane:no one talks about that

7:03Graham Norton:no one talks about it but no yes eventually, because the thing about dyeing your hair, it takes a long time if you're getting it done. You know, they have to put the bits of foil in and all that. Yeah, but that's for tips.

7:15Maria McErlane:If you had a full head done, it would be like...

7:17Graham Norton:I'll do it for you. No, but then you look weird, because no one's hair is just one colour.

7:22Maria McErlane:No, then you look like Paul McCartney.

7:24Graham Norton:Well, no, I think there's a lot of foil going on there.

7:27Maria McErlane:Oh, is there? Well, he did have a block colour and it wasn't good. So, yeah, that is a thing to avoid. And it just takes so long.

7:32Graham Norton:Well, I... So easier to be grey.

7:33Maria McErlane:I obviously don't know what my natural hair colour is. I'm going slightly darker blonde than I was. But I just use a box. I'm really... I started in lockdown because you couldn't go to a hairdresser. And it takes me 20 minutes. Are you running around the house? I'm of the Davina and Holly Willoughby. Do you have the gloves on? Gloves. Roots, roots, roots. Brush it through. Not brush it through. Rub it through for the last 10 minutes.

7:55Graham Norton:And it smells of old piss.

7:57Maria McErlane:No, it doesn't. That's just my natural odour.

8:00Graham Norton:Hey, listen. We must dawdle no longer. because there are dilemmas ahoy.

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9:08Maria McErlane:Abercrombie's new spring collection has every outfit you need for the season of long weekends.

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9:37Graham Norton:Maria, Maria, how do wangers get these episodes as soon as they drop?

9:41Maria McErlane:Oh, well, you see, Graham, you can tap follow on Spotify or subscribe on YouTube or your podcast app of choice. Totally free. Plus on Spotify, you can tap the little bell icon and then you get notified when a new episode drops.

9:57Graham Norton:They really have thought of everything. What a world, Maria.

10:00Maria McErlane:That's every Monday, by the way.

10:05Graham Norton:Maria, please open our first letter.

10:07Maria McErlane:I will, Graham, and it's right here. Woo-hoo! Okay, here we go. Dear Graham and Maria, I'm a 52-year-old divorced mother with a 17-year-old son. My partner and I have been together for four years, and everything has been going really well with him and my son. They get on so well. One evening recently, my son went off to play Paddle with friends. and was coming back late. Meanwhile, my partner and I enjoyed a couple of Negronis in front of the fire and watched a few episodes of heated rivalry. I think we know where this is going. One thing led to another, and soon we were in the throes of passionate relations.

10:45Maria McErlane:Mid-passionate ride, to my horror, I heard the front door being opened and my son came home. I shrieked and told him to wait. He quickly realised what was going on and disappeared into his bedroom. We hastily gathered our scattered clothes and retreated into the bedroom. This has not been mentioned since, and I'm after advice on how to deal with this. Should I just carry on as if nothing happened or apologise and discuss it? Please help. That's from Anonymous. I think this is an Irish one because it says, I'm after advice on how to deal with it.

11:18Graham Norton:And also, passionate ride, whispers Ireland. Yeah, yeah.

11:23Maria McErlane:You've given yourself away. Yay! It's Marion Keyes. No, thank you, Anonymous. I think that's a rather marvellous letter. And I think what you did was the right thing, is to shriek. Yes. Because your 17-year-old turn wasn't faced with the picture in his head, which he would never be able to unsee.

11:48Graham Norton:Yeah.

11:48Maria McErlane:I think that would have been far worse. So, you know, just hearing...

11:51Graham Norton:Made worse, I feel, by a freeze-framed heated rivalry sex scene in the background. Because whoever this new partner is, I mean, hats off to him for getting his kit off while heated rivalries on.

12:04Maria McErlane:I know, because aren't they all perfect?

12:05Graham Norton:I mean, you know what I mean? You will literally pale in comparison.

12:09Maria McErlane:But my gay friends are all, again, heated rivalry because everyone is so perfect. And they keep saying, oh, no, people aren't like that in real life.

12:17Graham Norton:Well, you want to watch ugly people cop off.

12:21Maria McErlane:Also in... It's television. In LA and New York, where people are obsessed by the gym and not eating carbs, all the gays do look like that.

12:28Graham Norton:But also they're ice scotty, ice hockey players. You know, they're athletes. They're supposed to look amazing. Yeah. Yeah, that's the point of them.

12:36Maria McErlane:But, you know... Like, literally, it's their full-time job. No, but what about Kip, who works in the coffee shop, all those pastries? Nom, nom, nom, nom. He takes his kid off his...

12:43Graham Norton:No, he just has a little smoothie, a little protein smoothie, and then he goes to the gym in between shifts. I mean, it is also the quietest coffee shop ever. They only have one customer, and he only comes in every few weeks. So there's a lot of time to work out.

13:00Maria McErlane:Oh, hello again.

13:01Graham Norton:I recognize you from three weeks ago. It's been very quiet. Yeah. Your usual from the last time.

13:10Maria McErlane:What was it? Blueberries with bananas? Is that what it was? Anyway, Anonymous, we're going back to you now. Yes, you stopped your son coming in and seeing the horror of his mother astride.

13:22Graham Norton:Being ridden passionately.

13:23Maria McErlane:Ooh, now then. Now then. So I don't think, he's 17. You know, it's good that you're still doing it because it's like, you know, this is, we're older, but it doesn't stop. Yeah. It carries on.

13:38Graham Norton:And it's a new relationship. They should be doing it.

13:40Maria McErlane:Well, four years. That's quite a long time.

13:42Graham Norton:Oh, not when you're 52. That's a blink of an eye. Here's the thing. If you wanted to say something, you had to say it the next morning. And you left it too late. It's too late. You can't talk about it again. Look, the thing is, he hasn't brought it up. Hopefully, he's not being weird around you or your new partner. So he's 17. He knows things happen. I mean, I agree with you. I think everyone's grateful that I's were not involved. He just heard a bit of, you know, whatever. Ice hockey. A bit of heated rivalry. And then he went to bed. The puck. Hitting the back of the net. No, do not make those analogies.

14:24Graham Norton:Look, it's ended happily. And the good thing is, I think, you did a foolish thing in that, presumably, you knew your son was going to come home. I know you'd had a couple of Negronis. How many? But, you know, getting your kiss off in the living room when your son was out, not very wise.

14:44Maria McErlane:But I like the spontaneity, because sometimes you go, I suppose we should have sex, let's go up to the bedroom. I quite like the spontaneity. You'd have a few drinks.

14:52Graham Norton:No, I need to look at heated rivalry if we're going to do this.

14:56Maria McErlane:Can we get it on your computer upstairs? I mean, I just think this is a good letter. It means you're having a nice time with your new partner. He gets on well with your son. Your son is cool about it. You know, he'll be doing the same in a minute.

15:10Graham Norton:And also, I think anonymous sounds like, you know, she's living her life, she's having a good time. So I think there'll be a moment when you can make a joke about this, you know, like when he's going out kind of going, oh, you know, be sure to text before you come home or, you know, don't forget to ring the bell. You know, there'll be, you can make a joke of it. Yeah.

15:31Maria McErlane:And then he'll go, mum, I live here. Yeah.

15:34Graham Norton:And then, and then it'll be just, it'll be addressed. Yes. It won't be. It'll go into Irish folklore. We're interested in what the Wangers have to say. So let's find out what they had to say.

15:43Maria McErlane:Shall we, shall we? Congratulations. This is from Richard in Bangkok.

15:48Graham Norton:Oh, he'll have an open mind.

15:49Maria McErlane:Bangkok. Congratulations. You have accidentally given your 17-year-old a live demonstration that adults over 50 are not, in fact, powered down at night like household appliances. Quite a sort of lengthy metaphor there. Yeah, we got there. Yeah, we got there. First, breathe. This is not a crisis. It's a rite of passage. Yours and his. Your son did the universal teenage move. immediate retreat. Door closed, memory suppressed. That tells us everything we need to know. He understands what happened. He understands it's normal. And most importantly, he does not want to discuss it ever. Proceed with what we call polite collective amnesia.

16:29Maria McErlane:Be normal, be kind, pass the serial, let time do its quiet healing work. And only if he raises it, a simple calm online works wonders. Sorry about the awkward timing. We'll be more careful.

16:44Graham Norton:Can I just say, your son is never going to raise this subject.

16:48Maria McErlane:No way.

16:50Graham Norton:Never.

16:51Maria McErlane:No way. But do you think he'll tell his friends about it at school? I mean...

16:55Graham Norton:I would. He would. I feel like the friends, the puzzling bit in telling your friends about it is that they're watching heated rivalry.

17:05Maria McErlane:Why is that puzzling? Well, because it's weird.

17:08Graham Norton:I understand how, you know, anonymous, you know, thought, well, let's. No, but it's hot.

17:15Maria McErlane:It's hot for both sexes. I mean, it's about gay sex. It's about two men. And yet.

17:19Graham Norton:I've seen it.

17:20Maria McErlane:Yeah, thank you. But all the girlfriends that I have, you know, told me to watch it said, oh, it's very good. It's very good for getting off. Really? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, because a hot body is a hot body. You know, it's not like, oh, I can't possibly watch them. They're gay. I need a straight man I mean look at the porn of the 1970s straight porn of the 1970s you had Ron Jeremy who was a little fat man of three foot with the same length penis Yeah But it wasn't for women though Who was it for?

17:51Graham Norton:It was for men So they liked seeing an ugly guy get all the beautiful women

17:55Maria McErlane:Is that right?

17:56Graham Norton:He made a lot of movies so someone was watching him Yeah he did

17:58Maria McErlane:But I mean surely that would make a man not want to watch him because he had a massive penis Yes. And so for men of average or, so we say, less than average girth, that was, you know, they would think, oh, I'm never going to get those birds because I don't have a big dick.

18:15Graham Norton:How did we get here?

18:20Graham Norton:Just a simple phrase, passionate ride, and now look. Shall we leave this for the moment?

18:24Maria McErlane:We'll come back to it, I'm sure.

18:26Graham Norton:Oh, yeah, we will. 70s porn. You've been on Mastermind with that subject.

18:30Maria McErlane:Well, I was amazed that I managed to conjure Ron Jeremy out of the mire. That is my frame.

18:36Graham Norton:He leaves in your head rent free.

18:40Maria McErlane:Oh, my God. I might start a Ron Jeremy fan club. OK. Lizzie from London says you should talk to him about it. He's 17, probably at it more than you. You should say, I'm sorry you caught us in the act. We'll be more careful in the future. I'm sure you're having sex too or will be soon. Do make sure you understand consent. Ask me questions if you have them. Don't learn from porn. And do have a good supply of condoms. This is a great chance to have a chat with him about it all. I love that, Lizzie from London. That's like...

19:09Graham Norton:No, Lizzie's like, every moment's a teachable moment.

19:14Maria McErlane:It's not about fun. It's about doing it right.

19:17Graham Norton:Hey, Lisa in Shropshire, she's given us a voice. Hooray! I think the important point is, were there any doors of separation? Did he immediately walk through the door and he's upon the scene of the crime? Or did he walk through the door and there's something blocking his view from something he would never, ever want to see? Definitely owed an apology. Assure him it will never, ever happen again.

19:36Maria McErlane:And hopefully at some point he will see the funny side. Obviously not right now. She's very worried about it.

19:42Graham Norton:It sounds very urgent. Yeah.

19:44Maria McErlane:There's a lot of concern in her voice.

19:46Graham Norton:Yeah.

19:47Maria McErlane:I think we've established that no doors were opened on this one.

19:50Graham Norton:Yeah, no. There was a shriek.

19:51Maria McErlane:Not even the back door. Oh, stop it. No. Oh, Graham.

19:56Graham Norton:Maria.

19:56Maria McErlane:We don't need to go there. No. Some viewers may find this offensive.

20:02Graham Norton:All viewers may find this offensive.

20:04Maria McErlane:Okay, Jamie from Cheltenham says, Absolutely do not bring this up with your son. As if catching you in the act wasn't bad enough, you want to put him through a birds and the bees talk after seeing a parental demonstration. Definitely a bad idea, especially if you were planning on using phrases like passionate ride. I can promise you that your son wants nothing more than to forget about this experience I'm lucky enough to have never experienced this myself but my friends have and I can promise none of them felt like they needed a post-match review That being said, I know the power of heated rivalry can be all-consuming Maybe just watch it in bed next time and wait until he's off to university before you make full use of the house

20:48Graham Norton:It is true and honest We had very mixed responses to this, but lots of wangers did mention that reading this letter has made them think, ooh, must get into heated rivalry.

20:58Maria McErlane:It's good. It's very good.

21:00Graham Norton:Well, heated rivalry too will be with us any moment. Yeah.

21:02Maria McErlane:I mean, the thing about heated rivalry, it's had so much press, a bit like a film where people say, it's amazing, you must go and see it, and then you go and see it and you go, meh. I mean, it's a rather lovely love story, eventually. The first two episodes I felt were just like gay porn. But, you know, good to get off on, because they're very beautiful. For some people. Not me, obviously.

21:21Graham Norton:No.

21:22Maria McErlane:No. No.

21:24Graham Norton:You're out and about. Yeah. You're working the seafront.

21:28Maria McErlane:In my dry robe. Picking up fish and folk. And there's semen.

21:34Graham Norton:You zip it off to reveal your pyjamas.

21:38Maria McErlane:That is my outfit for taking the dog for a walk on a rainy day. Pyjamas, dry robe, bubble hat. There we are.

21:44Graham Norton:Do remember, if you're watching this on YouTube, wade into the comments below. Oh, I use the word wait advisedly. What do you think Anonymous should do? Right, we'll be on the horns of another dilemma shortly. This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing, which honestly couldn't be more fitting because I've been watching so much telly. Do you know what I've really got into now? Antiques Roadshow. It's like wrapping yourself in a lovely hand quilted thing that might be worth a lot of money.

22:14Maria McErlane:I know, and you know what? In the olden days, I used to think, how much is this worth? I was really like everybody else, just wanted to know. But now I'm getting into the history of things. I quite like hearing the stories.

22:23Graham Norton:I like history and I also love the look of disappointment in their eye when they hear how much it's worth. That's a bit of Sparks joy.

22:30Maria McErlane:Especially when they've carted a grandfather clock.

22:34Graham Norton:And they're told, that was made in 1987.

22:37Maria McErlane:It's probably worth£19.

22:40Graham Norton:Oh, did you spend more of that on transport? Oh, I'm so sorry.

22:42Maria McErlane:Well, we have indeed hit that time of year when it's dark, it's cold and we're all feeling a bit lazy. But the good news, it's also the time of year when there's a lot of brilliant TV to dive into. And mine, my guilty pleasure, I have to say, is Coronation Street, Graham. It's back, isn't it? Back. What do you mean it's back? It's good again. Ah, yes, it goes through peaks and troughs, like most relationships and marriages and friendship. But you can actually not watch it for weeks and then you can tune in very quickly and find out what's going on. That is the nice thing about it. It is one of those things that I feel I've watched since time began.

23:20Graham Norton:Yeah, well, you probably have. Yeah. Yeah. I like the way, you know the way on some shows, there's a bit at the beginning, because, you know, previously on da-da-da.

23:28Maria McErlane:Not on Corrie.

23:28Graham Norton:No, on Corrie, they just tell each other in Rover's Return. You know what happened last night? So is he still in prison then for hitting that man over the head with a hammer? What he didn't do.

23:39Maria McErlane:Yeah, and then insert joke, and then everybody roars with laughter, and then another tragedy happens.

23:43Graham Norton:Do they still serve Betty's hot potters and off the menu? They do still. Oh, I'm so glad.

23:47Maria McErlane:And there's a picture still of Betty in The Rovers Return. Betty Turpin. Betty Turpin, yes.

23:52Graham Norton:Isn't it weird how we just know all that stuff?

23:54Maria McErlane:Characters come and go, but still, I like to tune into the cobbles.

23:58Graham Norton:And what's extraordinary is a TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk slash pod. Maria, it's time for another Grave Dilemma. What have you got? Have you got an envelope?

24:13Maria McErlane:OK, letter number two. I'm just going to tidy up my area, Graham.

24:20Graham Norton:If you could.

24:20Maria McErlane:Yeah. Dear Graham and Maria, I am 28, living in Cardiff with my 26-year-old boyfriend, and we share the same group of younger, much wilder friends. Every quiet pint turns into sunrise and regret. Oh, I know that feeling. And I'm starting to feel like the tired old sister of the group. We do nothing outside of drinking, and it's made me start to feel anxious every time we have plans with them. I love a martini as much as the next person, but the other stuff is just not for me and it makes me feel boring when I say no. It was fun going out all the time at first, but now I feel a bit lost. I miss my family and nephews who are growing up very quickly, but moving home feels like going backwards.

25:02Maria McErlane:It's also a very small town and there's nothing there for me. I'm scared to turn 30 and realise I've built a life that doesn't really fit me anymore. Everyone says just make new friends. I've tried this through exercise classes and work, but everyone has established friend groups and is not really interested. How do I create a life I love when I feel so lost? Oh, Holly, I feel you've gone from, you know, we're drinking too much. Every night is, you know, sunset and regret into, you know, my life is awful. I need to change it. You say, Holly, that you go out with your boyfriend. You're 28, he's 26.

25:39Maria McErlane:I mean, have you talked to him about it? Because it sounds like you're absolutely making plans without him. Like moving back home, seeing your nephews, etc.

25:48Graham Norton:Because I, as you were reading it, I thought, oh, the dilemma is going to be, how can I stay with this boyfriend? But actually, that doesn't seem to be the dilemma. I feel like she thinks she is going to stay with the boyfriend. and that's not going to work if he's still into the big party lifestyle.

26:06Maria McErlane:It sounds like you're sort of clinging to him when really you should be thinking, I don't want any of this life that he has. I mean, Holly, first things first, talk to him. He may be feeling similar. Yes, he's two years younger than you, but you have to kind of think, let's project ahead. Are we going to be doing this when we're 50? Still going out and drinking lots and taking drugs or whatever they do. It's not what you want to do And it may well be that he doesn't want to do that either, in which case you can think about maybe going somewhere else together. Think about what your needs are for your life.

26:39Maria McErlane:And I don't think you should move back. Yes. I think don't move back. It may well be, Holly, that this is not the man for you, but a conversation with him about the future will kind of reveal that. And if it's that he wants to carry on drinking and you don't, well, I'm afraid you have to suck that up. What do you think?

26:56Graham Norton:Well, I think, yes, sometimes relationships work in a room and they don't work in the world. That actually, one-on-one, Holly and her boyfriend might get on really well and they love each other and it's great. But if when they step out, he becomes this other person who loves partying and that's not who she is, then it's not enough that it's great when they're alone in a room. The other thing, Holly, I would say is that given that she feels like, oh, she's got to build this whole new life. Actually, you don't need much because what you want is you don't want the life you have, which is going out all the time.

27:40Graham Norton:You want kind of an inner life. You want quiet pleasures. You want those things. So a lot of that you can do by yourself. You don't have to cut these people out of your life 100%. It does sound all or nothing, doesn't it? Because I feel like, you know, see them once a month. You know, have a wild weekend once a month. The rest of the time, you know, stay home, cook, watch TV, read a book.

28:00Maria McErlane:Or meet people for a drink after work and do that thing of a two-pint limit or whatever. It's a school night, so I'm, you know, I'm going back. We've got beef bourguignon cooking away. Yeah, whatever.

28:12Graham Norton:But I feel like, you know, we all remember this bit where you feel like, ooh, actually, it lights up in the club time. You know, I know how this story ends.

28:24Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah.

28:25Graham Norton:Everyone gets to that point where you realize, why am I here in this club? Because actually, nothing good's going to happen. There's no more fun to be had. I should just be at home in my bed. And you don't need to cut out all these friends. Because actually, some of these friends, they will want to do it. You can, you know, slightly siphon off the friends you want, who are also looking a bit jaded. I've got to think, dear God, really? My head, ow. We're out again. What are we like?

28:53Maria McErlane:Sunrise and regret. Ow. But also don't move home because, you know, your nieces and nephews, you can move anywhere and go back at weekends and see them. It sounds like you're kind of going, I need to retreat. And retreating means moving back home. Don't do that. That's a backward move, literally. You need to go forward, meet new people, find new things to do, maybe a different town. It sounds like Cardiff has become a little small for you. Did you say Cardiff?

29:19Graham Norton:I just think it's interesting that Holly feels so much that she's got to start again. Like she's got to go back to, you know, back to the beginning of the board game.

29:29Maria McErlane:Yeah.

29:31Graham Norton:Do not pass go. Yeah, choose a different route. Because I feel like, you know, you're 28 now and you have built this life in Cardiff with this man. Do you need to get rid of all of it? I don't think you do. Unless she does feel she has to start again.

29:45Maria McErlane:I think the first thing, Holly, is to talk to your boyfriend. Yeah. Absolutely. Shall we see? Shall we? I'm sure the wangers will have something Wanger wisdom Here we go Very interesting to say That's that bit Amanda I've got a lot to do Amanda from Bristol says It doesn't have to be all or nothing I said that I know

30:05Graham Norton:I've been to Bristol It's very nice Amanda

30:08Maria McErlane:Try saying yes to fewer nights out Leaving early when it gets messy Irish exits are valid And making more time to visit your family You could also suggest daytime or low-key plans that don't revolve around drinking. But if you feel like you've really outgrown them, bin them off. Interesting, Amanda. Thank you.

30:26Graham Norton:But also, Amanda doesn't mention this boyfriend. I do feel like this whole problem, Holly, Holly's not talking about the boyfriend. Yeah. And actually... The elephant in the room. Yeah, I feel like he's key to either the problem or the solution.

30:42Maria McErlane:Indeed, Graham. You are wise indeed. Granny from Lelystad. Oh, my granny's written in. How nice. No, Granny from Lelestad in Holland. Lelestad, I'm sorry if I've said that wrong. In Holland, thank you, Holland. If you actually like these people you go out with, why don't you find alternative activities you could all do together? Bungee jumping, clay pigeon shooting, whatever takes your fancy. Take the initiative and who knows, you might be doing them a favour. And if they don't like the same things you do, then maybe you'll meet new friends doing the activities you enjoy. Be brave and be yourself.

31:16Maria McErlane:Life is too short to waste and you can always make time to visit your family. Again, no mention of the boyfriend. Louisa in San Diego, California.

31:25Graham Norton:This show's so international.

31:26Maria McErlane:I know, sure. We should probably explain what a passionate ride is. I think that's universal. Why don't you sign up for a class through the Cardiff Makers Guild for an upcoming Friday or Saturday night? And her in San Diego, knowing about the Cardiff Makers Guild. How does she know that? or go to a movie with the Cardiff Community Cinema Club. I think she's just making it up.

31:49Graham Norton:No, no, she's gone Google crazy.

31:52Maria McErlane:You could learn something new and possibly...

31:53Graham Norton:Somebody works in IT.

31:54Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah. Yeah. She's a tech billionaire. You could learn something new and possibly meet new people. Good luck. Okay, Kate says, Dear Lost at 30, the answer to all your dilemmas is in your question. You want to create a life you love, but you're basing your life on the lives of your boyfriend and his friends. It's your one and precious life. Don't waste it. Take whatever time and space you need to figure out who you are and what makes you happy all by yourself. Once you've done that, you'll find your own tribe who fit into your life rather than the other way around. First mention of the boyfriend, that's very wise advice from Kate.

32:33Graham Norton:Yes, and also it is interesting. I think, you know, Holly is at a particular time in your life, that late 20s, you're saying 28, but in your head you're hearing 30. And I think you are kind of thinking, oh, is this where I want to be at 30? I remember that. I remember feeling like that very much when I was 27. 27 was when I kind of thought, oh, God, this is not going to plan.

33:00Maria McErlane:Yeah. What should I do next?

33:03Graham Norton:Yeah, well, I mean, I wanted to be an actor, and by the time I was 27, I knew that wasn't happening. I was kind of, you know, doing a bit of stand-up. You know, life was not where I wanted it to be when I was 27.

33:15Maria McErlane:Did you have a five-year plan at 27?

33:17Graham Norton:No. You know, I was out of plans. I had no plan B. Which, as it happened, turned out to be a good thing because it made me keep going with my loser life till finally a corner was turned. But just that evaluating your life and kind of being unsatisfied with where you are in your life, I really recognise that.

33:38Maria McErlane:Alison in Chicago says, While I've never experienced this firsthand, I do have three sons about your age. Triplets. And this is how I would advise them. You deserve to create the life you want. There is no roadmap to this new life. No one can tell you how to find it. Will it be easy? No. Will anyone do it for you? No. Will you need to move back home for a bit? Maybe. be. But the bottom line is, you are allowed to make the life that has the most meaning for you. Well done for listening to that still small voice inside you that is saying, it's time to go and find that future. Now look your fear in the eye and find the life you want.

34:21Graham Norton:Em, isn't Alison great? Oh no, you hate Alison. Oh no, I really like Alison. I just thought Alison must be a great mom.

34:26Maria McErlane:I don't like having three sons about your age. What's wrong with that? She hasn't specified. Well, you know, they're mid-twenties. Okay, yeah, well done, Alison, in Chicago. Thank you.

34:37Graham Norton:I can only apologise, Alison, that Maria hates you because you have children.

34:42Maria McErlane:No, it's not that. It's the vague generalisation about your age. Three of them.

34:50Graham Norton:Three. Yeah, no, I heard it. About the age of 28. Yeah, you know, one's 23. Why can't she say that? You'd have to read it all out and then you'd be bitching. God, like we need to know their exact ages. Why did you just say around the same age? No, I really liked what she said. All right. I really liked what she said, you know, will it be easy? No. I think that's a good thing to hear because actually Holly, I feel like she wants to flick a switch and kind of, oh, look, they've redone the windows in Selfridges. Yeah, yeah. It's all different now. And that isn't how life works. It's little by little.

35:27Maria McErlane:It's true.

35:28Graham Norton:Yeah.

35:28Maria McErlane:Thanks, Alison in Chicago. Holly it is very

35:31Graham Norton:thanks never darken our door again I feel bad now

35:37Maria McErlane:I hope your sons about the same age are all happy

35:40Graham Norton:Holly it's a really relatable problem I think we've all felt that way at some stage in our lives and I would say things get better you know she will find her way

35:50Maria McErlane:yes of course of course but when you're

35:52Graham Norton:don't say no no no no don't look at me like that poor Holly going things will get better

35:58Maria McErlane:it might too Will they get better? No. Will it take a long time? No.

36:03Graham Norton:But thanks for writing in, and we hope some of that advice has helped you through it all. Remember, if you want your dilemma answered by myself, Maria, and the Wangers, you just email us. It is wangingon at listen.co.uk. We'd love to hear from you. We would, Graham. That's also where to send your Am I Weirds. Maria, do we want to wrap up the show today?

36:25Maria McErlane:Yes, we do, Graham. Today's Am I Weird comes from a wanger who wishes to remain anonymous. Let's find out why.

36:33Graham Norton:Ooh.

36:33Maria McErlane:Hi, Graham and Maria. I went to stay with a friend last summer and her wife had the most beautiful bar of soap in her guest bathroom. So I took it home. It was in a bathroom that I know for a fact they barely use, so I figured she'd never notice. Reading this back, I think that perhaps it was weird and illegal. Obviously, that is anonymous. Now, what you're saying is stealing, really, what you did and reading it back. And the very fact, anonymous, that you've written to us makes me realise that you know what you did was wrong. Is it that wrong? It's soap. No.

37:16Graham Norton:She'll have used it or they will have used the soap. I always feel communal soap is an odd thing.

37:22Maria McErlane:But it's not to put in your pocket.

37:24Graham Norton:What? I'm going to go into the guest room and kind of go, oh, that soap's being used. I don't know what person's been here before me. I don't know where they put that bar of soap.

37:35Maria McErlane:When this person goes to the bathroom that is rarely used, they go, oh, I'll just pop in that bathroom because it's still in the other one. Then they go, brr, I'm sure I put a bar of soap here. Beautiful soap. Yeah, beautiful soap, indeed. What you do, Anonymous, is you buy that soap and you send it to them.

37:54Graham Norton:Oh, don't, then it's weird. That is weird.

37:56Maria McErlane:Why is that weird? You stole some soap and now you're returning it.

38:00Graham Norton:She didn't steal soap. It was soap that left out for her to use. And she's continued to use it. Now she's left the house.

38:06Maria McErlane:Graham, if I came to your house and I thought, oh, I love.

38:10Graham Norton:No, if you put, hang on, here's my thing. If you took, you know, a dispenser, if there was a dispenser of hand soap from somewhere nice, and I went back into the door after you got, and it was gone, I'd go, Jesus Christ, that Maria, could she leave nothing? But if it was, you know, just a wet, greasy, kind of claggy bar of soap on the sink, I'd go, I'm glad she took that because I didn't want to touch it.

38:35Maria McErlane:No, I think you're splitting hairs here about a bar of soap or a dispenser of soap. I mean, you know. Bar, take, dispenser, no. No, don't take anything that isn't yours. But it was given to her. What do you mean it was given to her? Because it was in the guest bathroom. She was the guest. Not to take home. What about the next guest? What are they going to use?

38:56Graham Norton:It would go in the bin. It would go in the bin. It wasn't a sliver of soap. But you're not going to leave soap that's been used just claggy on the sink for the next guest.

39:06Maria McErlane:Stop saying claggy for a start.

39:08Graham Norton:But it's just, you know, that thing that happens to the bottom of soap. I know.

39:12Maria McErlane:Let's just say this was a relatively new bar of soap. It's a rarely used bathroom. It hadn't got claggy yet.

39:19Graham Norton:Then it'll dry out and crack, and no one wants that either.

39:23Maria McErlane:What I'm hearing...

39:23Graham Norton:You did that woman a favour.

39:25Maria McErlane:What I'm hearing here is you are, again, bars of soap, and you like dispensers.

39:29Graham Norton:I don't like bars of soap. I'm glad she took it.

39:31Maria McErlane:Can we put that to one side here and still admit that what she did was wrong?

39:36Graham Norton:What's this wrong?

39:37Maria McErlane:She wrote to us because she knows it's wrong. Buy a bar of that lovely soap and say, I'm really sorry, I took the... Just own it. Own it. I took it because it was so lovely and I wanted to... I knew I wouldn't remember, but I'm just replacing it. There. Done, done, done.

39:53Graham Norton:Do that if you like. I guess the thing she actually wants to know was, is she weird?

39:57Maria McErlane:Well, she's clearly weird for not having a dispenser and going for claggy soap bars.

40:06Graham Norton:Is that she wanted? Actually, you are weird for wanting soap. There, I would say it.

40:10Maria McErlane:I don't think you're weird. I think you've got kleptomaniac tendencies that need to be reined in. Yeah. Because, you know, yesterday a bar of soap, tomorrow a bottle of red wine.

40:21Graham Norton:The next day a sofa. The next day a sofa. I loved the sofa so much I took it to the... It's a rarely used living room. Do you think they'll notice? Then somebody's dog. And then I squatted their house. And just like that, we reach the end of wanging on Maria Words.

40:43Maria McErlane:Yeah, please don't mistake us for experts, especially about soap. We are anything but. If you need genuine help with any of life's problems, you should always seek it out from the proper channels. There's a link on our Instagram page with some pointers. We are at wangingon. And please give us a follow while you're at it. Thank you.

41:02Graham Norton:At Wanging On with Greg Maria is a Listen production and we are back next week. Goodbye.