Yuk! A Coughy Kathy in the Office. Plus Graham's underwhelming holiday...

6:47Graham Norton:Like a big cave? Yeah. It's big. Yeah, it's big. And the water's blue. And then all the guys in the rowing boat start singing Valare. Oh, my goodness. Like, it couldn't be more annoying. And it was.

6:59Maria McErlane:I'd love to have seen your face at that point. Valare. Seething. Seething.

7:04Graham Norton:And also, here's the really bad bit about going to the blue grotto, is one way in. Yeah. one way out. You've got to do it again to get back to your nice boat, to go on with your boring trip around the coast.

7:18Maria McErlane:All you were having to do was lean back.

7:19Graham Norton:No, no, no. No, Maria, you don't understand. I don't understand. No, seriously, the whole rowing boat with six people and a man rowing are going through a fireplace. Santa couldn't have made it through this hole. And it's all day, every day, every jurist that goes to Capri does it. How someone hasn't been killed, I do not know.

7:40Maria McErlane:Killed from leaning back? Well, just being hit on the head with a wall. Well, do they not say the Valare people don't get up while we're going through?

7:48Graham Norton:They do. But like, honestly, God, you know, I'm not the most flexible man. You know, yoga. Oh, come on. Yoga is not my friend. I could barely get into the position I needed to be in. Okay, I have a question.

7:58Maria McErlane:How long are you in the prone position while you go under the rock?

8:03Graham Norton:Too long.

8:04Maria McErlane:No, how long?

8:05Graham Norton:30 seconds? No, he makes you do it. And then, because as you get to the hole, suddenly the waves start coming up and everyone goes, oh! You can't go in now because you've definitely got to die. Because you're too high. Yeah, you've definitely got to die. So then they have to wait for the wave to come down and then he has to quickly go to, and he has to hang on to these chains and pull the boat in.

8:24Maria McErlane:For a wave worth. Yeah. You were having to lie down for a wave worth. No, no, no.

8:29Graham Norton:You're down for a lot longer because you've got to be ready for the wave. It's awful. I can't tell you. Does anybody think Graham is being a bit of a wuss? No, no. Honestly, if anyone's ever done this, they will be shouting at their device now going, yes, finally, someone has spoken for all the morons who paid good money to go into the Blue Grotto. Is it very expensive? Well, it's not free. No. I mean, really, they should be paying me. You are such a good tourist. They should throw euros at you as you go in.

9:00Maria McErlane:You are a very good tourist. Anything else that you did in Capri that was interesting? nice restaurants at least

9:05Graham Norton:oh actually there's a nice cable car okay that's good and there was a very nice restaurant where you kind of S in a kind of lemon grove it was gorgeous so no and overall can I just say we had the loveliest loveliest time how long were you away? a day you know we were

9:21Maria McErlane:most of that was lying down to get under yeah

9:25Graham Norton:I could have squeezed myself into a fireplace at home

9:31Maria McErlane:that's what you do most nights though isn't it yeah

9:33Graham Norton:Shall we? Shall we recreate the special magic of the new grotto? I'll just put a torch onto this cellophane and then we'll hide in the fireplace. Just awful. Maria. Yeah. Guess what? Is it time to do some things? It will be in a moment. For me to do some reading. Yeah, first dilemma coming.

9:54Maria McErlane:Transport your senses with Sol de Janeiro's limited edition perfume mist collection. At Sephora.

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10:58Graham Norton:Maria Maria I have such exciting news

11:00Maria McErlane:What is it Graham?

11:01Graham Norton:Well you know the way our show at the Edinburgh Festival at the King's Theatre is sold out Yes I know Well guess what What? We're putting another one on sale Yes it's going to be a matinee There's a new show announced the afternoon It's also the 7th of August It's at the King's Theatre So you know get on board That's very exciting Exactly that Head to gilderballoon.co.uk and book your tickets Maria, look alive! It's problem time. There we are. Oh, the first one. This is the great bit. This is the great bit. I love this bit when anything's possible.

11:34Maria McErlane:And also, it stopped you talking about the blue grotto.

11:37Graham Norton:Oh, you think.

11:38Maria McErlane:I fear it will come back. Dear Graham and Maria, I'm writing to you with the dilemma of a colleague who never makes any attempt to cover her mouth when she coughs. We work in a small office with windows that don't open, that's surely against the law, and are fully in-office culture, so there's no escape. She is frequently sick but sees coming into the office while in throes of a fever as a badge of honour and seems completely unaware that when she's sick, it tends to run through our office like wildfire. When I say she doesn't cover her mouth, I mean she will sit at her desk, both hands on the keyboard, and just hack away without a care in the world.

12:20Maria McErlane:She's also been known to wipe her runny nose with her bare hand. And since I started working here a year ago, I can count at least three times I've been knocked out by a virus that can be traced back to her, including a nasty case of COVID that had me housebound for two weeks. In other situations, my instinct would be to mention it in a lighthearted way that is half in joke, whole in earnest. but she's a prickly character at the best of times and absolutely would not respond well to that approach. She is more senior than me and has never particularly warmed to me. Before you suggest the inevitable, it's a small company of about 15 people so we don't have an HR department that I can rope in to do my dirty work.

13:07Maria McErlane:I'm at a loss. What is my next move? And this is from Maladide in Malta. Nice to hear from Malta.

13:18Graham Norton:See, you had to cover your hand then. Or cover your mouth.

13:21Maria McErlane:Yeah, I think it's a kind of instinct, isn't it, when you're coughing? Yes. I mean, it doesn't stop the germs from going everywhere, by the way.

13:28Graham Norton:Here's the thing, Maladie. It's like this letter has been written as a gotcha, you know.

13:34Maria McErlane:Oh, yeah, I remember gotchas.

13:35Graham Norton:But like, you know, but why don't you open the window? No, the windows don't open. Why not go to HR? No, you can't go to HR. Why don't you just make a joke about it? No, she's really prickly.

13:44Maria McErlane:And doesn't like me anyway. I think that is the key here, that she does not like Maladide. Yeah. And I think Maladide is quite cross about that. So is trying to find something because people cough. I mean, I don't particularly ever notice people coughing necessarily. Oh, don't you?

14:01Graham Norton:I do. Do you? Well, you've probably gone hear them over your coughing.

14:06Graham Norton:That's your problem.

14:09Maria McErlane:I live in a world of my own. Yes. Of coughing. What about Maladide? How many people? Ten in the office. Why don't you, Maladide, wear a mask, which are easily available now since the bad COVID? Oh, yeah. So wear a mask. And if people say, why are you wearing a mask? You can say, I've already had three viruses this year. And so I'm trying to protect myself against that.

14:35Graham Norton:Or a typhoid Mary over there at the keyboard.

14:39Maria McErlane:And then maybe you could encourage some other colleagues to join you in your mask wearing until the only person not wearing a mask in the office is Typhoid Mary. Excuse me.

14:51Graham Norton:Well, I think you say, oh, she doesn't cover her mouth. But as you say, really, that's just a thing of politeness, isn't it? I don't think covering your mouth stops any germs.

15:04Maria McErlane:I don't think it stops germs at all. Because what you do is go, then you throw them over there like that. A bit like flamenco. My gift to you. Pick the apple. Eat the apple.

15:14Graham Norton:Pick the germ. Throw it away. Eat the germ. Throw the germ away.

15:18Maria McErlane:So, you know, I feel that you're focusing an awful lot on this coughing situation. And I think it is more to do with the fact that she does not like you and she's more senior.

15:28Graham Norton:And I think the trouble is, Maladide, is you've let this get onto your skin now. So a bit like the disease you're going to get, it's going to be hard to shake. Yeah. Because you've allowed it to annoy you. So now, even if she was covering her mouth, you'd still be at your keyboard seething. Oh, listen to her. Listen to her. Because it's like when you're on a train or on a plane and you tune in to the coughing or you tune in to the crying, then it's all you can hear.

15:58Maria McErlane:Yeah, it's so true. But it doesn't, you know, she does, what did she do? Oh, she wipes her nose with her hand. And, you know, I don't think you can blame her for COVID, by the way. I think, you know, COVID was quite a big thing. I don't know if you noticed, Maladide, but the whole world shut down during COVID.

16:12Graham Norton:Well, patient zero was in Malta. There's a lot of fuss about that laboratory in China.

16:19Maria McErlane:It was Malta. Yeah. Shall we see if anybody has a solution for typhoid Mary?

16:25Graham Norton:Okay, let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

16:26Maria McErlane:I think we've been especially hopeless on this one, Graham.

16:30Graham Norton:Well, no, I feel like we said as much as you can, because I don't think there is a solution solution. like I think the wangers are either going to be you know jokey oh you must kill her or they're going to be just get on with your life

16:45Maria McErlane:ah interesting oh not what you said Dahlia says I'm sorry now I've just been talking about coughing I can't stop coughing

16:57Graham Norton:dear Graham and Maria

17:02Maria McErlane:oh my goodness I'm so suggestible that's you

17:06Graham Norton:I'm such a good actress. You've never coughed before.

17:09Maria McErlane:I know that's true.

17:11Graham Norton:If you're a new listener, please listen to some earlier episodes.

17:16Maria McErlane:Dahlia says, I'm so sorry, but I think the real problem person here might actually be you. It sounds like the fact that she doesn't like you has turned you into a full-time detective, analysing her every move like it's a crime scene. Honestly, who has the time to monitor someone else's sneezes and nose wiping habits? that closely. And viruses can be traced back to her. How exactly? You're in an office with 15 people and you're absolutely certain not a single one of them could be quietly spreading germs without symptoms. That's a bold level of confidence. Ask yourself this. Am I happy in this job?

17:56Maria McErlane:Or just needing someone or something to blame? Well, Dahlia.

18:02Graham Norton:She's not wrong.

18:03Maria McErlane:I don't know what you do for a living, Dahlia, but psychology should be up there somewhere.

18:06Graham Norton:But I think Maladide should ask herself that question. I love the name Maladide. It's good, isn't it? Yeah. Should we hire her and put her out of her misery?

18:15Maria McErlane:And then just cough a lot. Yeah. I don't need to drive.

18:19Graham Norton:Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the opposite of her dream job. She'd want to go back to the office. Send me back to Malta. I thought she coughed a lot, but it wasn't like this.

18:31Maria McErlane:John, from Amsterdam. We get a lot of traction in Amsterdam, Graham.

18:35Graham Norton:Well, he probably lives on the bar with George.

18:40Maria McErlane:John from Amsterdam says, introduce what I like to call the outbreak protocol. A light-hearted, entirely unofficial office initiative. A few printed signs in shared spaces. Cover your cough, your colleagues. Thank you. Tissues, tactical, not just decorative. Be a hero. Stay home if you're ill. No names, no accusations, just vibes. Let her slowly realise she is the plot. What do we think to that?

19:13Graham Norton:Well, John, you do know there's only like 10 to 15 people in this office. They might notice Maladide is the one sticking up the signs.

19:22Maria McErlane:Well, Maladide has to go in over the cover of Weekend when she's putting tissues around and face masks and puts the signs up then and say, Oh, look, these have just appeared on Monday morning.

19:33Graham Norton:If somebody put up a sign saying tissues, tactical, not just decorative, you go, what the fuck is that?

19:37Maria McErlane:Yeah, what does that mean?

19:39Graham Norton:What? All right. Yeah, fine. Hey, Jason, we don't know where Jason lives. No. Oh, my God, he's got a phone. There's no point confronting this lady directly if she's prickly, defensive and doesn't like you. This is a genuine health and safety issue and you need to escalate it to whoever runs your office. UK workplace guidance is quite clear that people with respiratory symptoms should stay home if unwell and that coughs and sneezes should be covered with tissues. Employers have a duty to maintain a safe workspace, including ventilation and infection control. I'd also keep a log of dates that she comes in ill and dates when others consequently become sick and also any time you've raised it with management.

20:16Graham Norton:In the meantime, take obvious precautions, hand sanitiser, masks and keep antibacterial wipes handy for shared surfaces. Alternatively, look for another job in an office with nicer people and ventilation.

20:27Maria McErlane:Thanks, Jason.

20:28Graham Norton:Well, someone's read the manual.

20:31Maria McErlane:Safety workplace initiatives. The thing is, we don't know. Do Malta have these things in place? I think what would be good to find who's in charge of this office or this building and say, can we get the motherfucking windows open? Yeah. Because in a minute it's going to be really hot.

20:49Graham Norton:Yeah, just get a brick and smash them. Sorry, I overreacted. I like that. Cough, cough, cough. Smash! Oh, me. What am I like? I lost the run of myself there for a moment. I broke all the windows. I'm a silly.

21:09Maria McErlane:I mean, don't you think? That would make me feel slightly culturophobic.

21:12Graham Norton:No, but again, I feel like that was part of the gotcha where Maladide wanted us not to be able to solve her problem. I see what you mean. I think she kind of likes, she's enjoying living in this hell of her own creation.

21:24Maria McErlane:I think Maladide worked in an office on her own.

21:27Graham Norton:I think Maladine nailed the window shut in order to tell us they couldn't be opened.

21:33Maria McErlane:This is part of Maladine's fantasy.

21:35Graham Norton:And she killed the head of HR just so she could point out there's no HR.

21:41Maria McErlane:They went out the windows before they were closed.

21:44Graham Norton:Yeah, that's why we had to lock them.

21:45Maria McErlane:I don't even think she's called Maladine. It was very dangerous.

21:48Graham Norton:It's an anagram.

21:51Maria McErlane:Of I am lying.

21:54Graham Norton:It's an anagram of know your mum. No, your mum.

22:00Maria McErlane:I love that saying. Luke in Wicklow. Oh, yes. You know Luke. He says, maybe start telling stories about a child in your life that does the same thing. Regularly come into work and talk about this kid that coughs without covering their mouth. How innocent it is when a child does it, but how ridiculous it is for an adult to do the same. Keep it up until she has a moment of introspection. That's more annoying than coughing.

22:24Graham Norton:Maladie's talking about her imaginary child again.

22:28Maria McErlane:I mean, it's a difficult one because it should be so easy to solve.

22:33Graham Norton:Yes. And listen, I think the wangers in their terrible advice, all they've done is highlight the fact there is no solution to this. So Maladide either needs to just zen, zone out, because whatever diseases are in the office are in the office. You know, everything's as dirty as everything else. Germs are germs. You know, you're going to get sick. You're not going to get sick. The coughing is annoying. This woman doesn't like you. So either you put up with all of that or you get another job.

23:01Maria McErlane:Also, if she doesn't like you and you say she's prickly, if you say to her, oh, I'm sorry, Barbara, do you mind covering your mouth when you cough because I've had three viruses? She doesn't like you already. How bad could it be? And then you've at least taken the bull by the horns and said something to her.

23:17Graham Norton:But you know what? What? If this woman tomorrow started covering her mouth when she coughed, Maladide is still going to hate her. That's true. They're still going to hate her every time she coughs, even if she coughs her mouth. It's in her now. The actual disease she's caught is loathing of this woman.

23:32Maria McErlane:Yeah, I think so. Bad case of loathing.

23:34Graham Norton:Bad case of loathing. Fear and loathing in Malta.

23:37Maria McErlane:No antibiotics are going to work that out, are they?

23:39Graham Norton:Oh, no, they are not. Wangers in the comments section below, have your say. What do you think maladied should or shouldn't do? More pressing problems next. This episode is brought to you by TV Licensing. And Maria, I have to say, on BBC iPlayer, have you been watching Young Offenders at all? Have you ever watched Young Offenders?

24:00Maria McErlane:I have, actually.

24:00Graham Norton:I love Young Offenders.

24:01Maria McErlane:I know, there's something very compelling about it, isn't there?

24:03Graham Norton:And also, what's so clever about it is, because, you know, not to cast aspersions, because God knows we aren't, but they're not really Young Offenders anymore. But they've managed to keep it going. You know, you kind of think, oh, come on, really? But they've done such a great job of moving the story forward. and between series they make these big brave jumps you know the way sometimes in American sitcoms they'll like kill off a character or they'll just like that or they won't be will they won't they they'll actually let them go out and stuff and I feel like often in British or Irish shows they don't do that and Young Offenders does I really like it

24:41Maria McErlane:I quite like to be in Young Offenders actually

24:43Graham Norton:what shall I do it's all filmed in Cork

24:46Maria McErlane:oh is it now yes

24:48Graham Norton:I didn't know that you could go to Cork and just shoplift.

24:52Maria McErlane:I don't think you even go to prison for shoplifting anymore.

24:55Graham Norton:But you'd still be an offender, wouldn't you?

24:56Maria McErlane:What about if I go to Cork and break into your house?

24:59Graham Norton:Oh, no, that would be ideal. Yeah, that would be perfect. And not for the first time. Maria, what are you watching?

25:06Maria McErlane:I'm very excited, Graeme, that Taskmaster is back. And I'm thinking that by saying it now on this multi-platform podcast, that they might get me onto it.

25:18Graham Norton:I think you'd be very good at it. I do too. Well, you'd be very funny at it. Oh.

25:24Maria McErlane:Yes, I think that's the aim, isn't it? I don't want to necessarily win it.

25:29Graham Norton:Well, I think some of those challenges, winning them is losing at life. Because you shouldn't be able to figure out how to move, you know, a thousand peas just using a straw. A spoon. Yeah, you just shouldn't. Yeah. Apparently they make you film loads of challenges that never get shown.

25:47Maria McErlane:Oh, no, that's annoying.

25:48Graham Norton:Yeah.

25:48Maria McErlane:I don't want to do it now.

25:51Graham Norton:Well, the great thing is, a TV license covers you to watch over 400 channels. Get out of here. And everything on BBC iPlayer. Oh my goodness. I know. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk slash pod.

26:02Maria McErlane:Very nicely done.

26:04Graham Norton:Thank you. Maria?

26:07Maria McErlane:Yeah.

26:07Graham Norton:Go on. Oh, yes. Letter number two. This is the one. We're going to solve this one.

26:13Maria McErlane:You've been a bit rubbish, Blake. No, but Maladine, she tricked us

26:17Graham Norton:by writing in with a very difficult one.

26:19Maria McErlane:I know.

26:21Graham Norton:Stupid malady, coughing person in the office. That was far too hard. No one could be expected to give a fight on that.

26:27Maria McErlane:I think she made the whole thing up.

26:29Graham Norton:Just to make us look like fools.

26:31Maria McErlane:Yeah, and she succeeded.

26:34Graham Norton:Okay, this is going to be there. This is the one. This is golden. We're going to ace this, Graham. Oh, yeah.

26:39Maria McErlane:Dear Graham and Maria, I need a sanity check. Oops, wrong people.

26:46Graham Norton:Why? Do you know my one?

26:49Maria McErlane:I need a sanity check. Am I being unreasonable? My husband, our two kids and I, are staying at my mother-in-law's holiday home in France for three weeks. The original plan was that she and her partner would cross over with us for the final week. Ferry booked, over£1 ,000 spent getting there, everything planned around that. Now, with zero discussion, she's decided she's coming for weeks two and three and bringing her bitey dog. This means we'll all be crammed into one room, that's me, my husband, our two-year-old and our three-month-old, while they have the other room. I'll also be on constant alert with the dog around the baby and there'll basically be no family-only time on what was meant to be our holiday.

27:35Maria McErlane:I suggested maybe booking somewhere else for the part of the trip, but my husband thinks that would be awkward. I'm honestly fuming, but trying not to cause a massive issue or put him in the middle. So tell me, am I overreacting and being an ungrateful so-and-so, or is this a bit much? And that's from Gwyneth in Rill, North Wales. I'm going to call it Gwyneth. I think you are being a bit unreasonable because let's be honest, you've got a two-year-old and a three-month-old child. You and your husband, Gwyneth, in real, might want to pop out for a little romantic meal, a little bit of downtime on your own, whilst your in-laws have the children.

28:20Graham Norton:With a very bitey dog.

28:22Maria McErlane:I think the bitey dog is a different issue. I mean, I think that she's sort of, Gwyneth is making more problems. What it is is that she doesn't want the mother-in-law to be there for two weeks rather than one.

28:33Graham Norton:Well, that's the thing. I don't know. You're going for three weeks. So I assumed without consultation, they were going to be of her the whole time. But she's only increased it by one week. So you're already going to be in a room with your two little kids for one of those weeks. So now it's just one extra week. You'll have the first week all by yourselves. Have a nice time.

28:57Maria McErlane:Realise how much you're looking forward to the mother-in-law coming so they can babysit. I think the bitey dog is an issue that is separate and it's doable. You know, you keep the children and the bitey dog separate. The bitey dog is on a lead. The bitey dog gets taken out for a walk. There are ways around bitey dogs.

29:15Graham Norton:Yes, and also, you know, you're not saying the mother-in-law is reckless. You're just saying they have a slightly snippy dog. Yeah. You know, it's a baby.

29:22Maria McErlane:And you're right to be worried with small children. It's a baby. Because small children do that with their hands and bitey dogs go num, num, num.

29:28Graham Norton:Yeah, it's a baby and a toddler. So, yeah, it is, you know, you do worry for a dog around those people. But I just think you're getting a free accommodation. And also, it's her house. So she can do what she wants, really. I mean, just be glad she's not coming for three weeks.

29:43Maria McErlane:I think you're just annoyed because you've planned on having only to deal with her for a week. And now you're having to deal with her for two weeks. But I think you have to just think of it. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. This is a free holiday. Yes, you've spent£1 ,000 on the ferry. But how much would it have cost if you were going and booking a holiday home in France?

30:01Graham Norton:The other thing I would say is, look, that middle week, the unexpected week, you know, just do a bit of Googling before you go. Find some nice day trips. Do trips away. There's probably a cave, some fucking blue grotto you go see.

30:18Maria McErlane:Oh, he's brought it back up.

30:20Graham Norton:See, I knew I would. And then you'll go home and like your mother-in-law because she's not singing Valarie and trying to kill you.

30:30Maria McErlane:Well, that's a bit about that story that I like the most because I can just imagine you and Jono's faces when you're in the middle of a blue thing and you're going, oh, what now? I thought this couldn't get any worse. I was wrong. Anyway, Gwyneth in North Wales. I do think that you might just have to suck this up. I know it's kind of annoyed you.

30:52Graham Norton:And also, I think the thing is families are different. So Gwyneth, you know, grew up in one sort of family. She's married a man who's a different sort of family where they think spending time together is a lovely idea. You know, this mother-in-law thinks, oh, great, we've got, actually, if I jig it around, I can do another week with my son and my grandkids.

31:16Maria McErlane:And that awful woman that he married.

31:19Graham Norton:That Gwyneth. Oh, such a misery. Can you bear another week with her? oh it's worth it for the grandkids we'll bring the savage dog to keep her away I just think that's the sort of family they are they think this is a lovely idea and that's not the sort of family you grew up into but you've married into that family and you kind of have to roll with the punches

31:42Maria McErlane:and I think your husband is right you can't book time away A, will cost you more money just think of this as a money saving exercise if you like and also free babysitting but I think you can do day trips Yeah, of course. You don't have to be in each other's pockets the whole time.

31:57Graham Norton:Yeah, unless mother-in-law hears you're going, oh, we'll come.

32:01Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah. No, there's clearly issues with Gwyneth and her mother-in-law, but that's, you know, plus a change. That is the way it's meant to be. I'm not saying my mother-in-law is, you know, fill in the blanks.

32:11Graham Norton:No, your mum. You could say that in France, plus a change.

32:14Maria McErlane:Plus a change.

32:15Graham Norton:People would go, oh my goodness, is Gwyneth French? You from round here, Gwynny?

32:20Maria McErlane:No, I'm from what? North Wales.

32:22Graham Norton:That's so good. There won't be letters or comments.

32:28Maria McErlane:I can say it in Welsh as well. Shall we see what the people have said?

32:32Graham Norton:Go on. I think we were very good with that problem because we said you don't have a problem.

32:37Maria McErlane:We said that last time as well, by the way.

32:39Graham Norton:Yeah. I think what we've done is we've now evolved to a different level where we don't see anything as a problem. Which may be the end of this podcast. People just keep writing in and we go, I don't know what you're complaining about.

32:55Maria McErlane:And people will start saying, I don't think those two care, you know. I'm feeling that they're not actually giving it any attention at all. You're like, so wild, it's a holiday. Okay, shall we... Yeah, it's a bitey dog. Owen says, what you've described is not a holiday. This is a hostage situation with better weather. Oh, Owen, stay for a week, be gracious about it, and then book somewhere nearby for the rest of the trip. Frame it as, we thought it would be nice to explore a bit, rather than, we're escaping your dog and your complete disregard for our plans. Everyone saves face, you get your holiday back, and the baby remains unbitten.

33:36Maria McErlane:Win, win, win. Thanks, Owen.

33:39Graham Norton:I feel like, I think the husband's right. If you do that, it's a real slap. It becomes a big deal. It's a slap in the face. And also, you then are spending all the money you saved. So what's the point? Alex is in Marlow. Let's hear from her.

33:54Maria McErlane:As a woman with two small children, what you just described is not a holiday. It sounds absolutely miserable. So whilst your mother-in-law's offer is generous to share her house, she hasn't really thought it through, but she's probably from the generation where she slept in a drawer as a baby, so doesn't see the problem. I absolutely would be putting my foot down and saying we're staying somewhere else because it's just not going to be enjoyable and you'll be resentful and miserable the entire time and come back way more stressed than when you left.

34:25Graham Norton:Now, see, I hope Alex's mother-in-law isn't listening to this because really what Alex is saying is she hates her mother.

34:32Maria McErlane:Yeah. Hates her. Well, for anybody who says she slept in a drawer as a baby. I mean, I could hear a small child speaking from a drawer in the chest of drawers. Let me in. Mummy, I won't do it again, mummy. I want to go to school. We don't have children. I think this is what's interesting.

34:50Graham Norton:But, you know, I have a mother-in-law and I'm thinking, wow, I am really lucky. I really get on with my mother-in-law. And clearly, people don't.

34:58Maria McErlane:Yeah, I think when children are involved and then people, mother-in-laws often want you to do things the way they did them and you have other ideas about your children. And I think that is a source of kind of conflict.

35:12Graham Norton:And also, you can pretend that this house is neutral. It's not. It belongs to your mother-in-law. She is letting you stay there. Yeah. Which is, you know, don't be ungrateful.

35:21Maria McErlane:I mean, I hear lots of people with children saying, you know, or the mother-in-laws actually saying, mothers saying, oh, of course we didn't do it like that in our day. But she won't have it. No, she lets them just sit in the high chair and throw food all over the kitchen. In my day, we had them in a straitjacket and we fed them.

35:40Graham Norton:Wasn't it better? Oh, it was great. Everybody liked it.

35:44Maria McErlane:Nobody grew up with a problem then, did they? Shall we see what, oh, anonymous mother-in-law says.

35:50Graham Norton:Oh, this is an actual mother-in-law.

35:52Maria McErlane:Yeah, she's a real thing. Yes, you are unreasonable, in capital letters, and an ungrateful so-and-so. She is a mother-in-law to say so-and-so. Speaking from the perspective of a mother-in-law, I would propose kindness. Be kind to your mother-in-law. All she wants is to spend time with you and all the family. She won't be around forever. Oh, that old chestnut.

36:18Graham Norton:None of us will.

36:19Maria McErlane:No, guess what?

36:20Graham Norton:Not with that dog.

36:22Maria McErlane:She won't be around forever. Establish ground rules. Read the dog to reduce any conflict. Try and grow a fertile relationship. Harmony, I promise you, is better than discord for all of you. I mean, that's true.

36:39Graham Norton:Yes, I think by trying to kind of book another holiday, you are declaring war. You are, you are. And it won't end well. So I think, you know, this is annoying. It's unplanned. It's only one extra week. And I think easier, and certainly in the long term, to just suck it up and be nice, smile, kind of go, thank you.

37:03Maria McErlane:Thank you for this lovely holiday.

37:04Graham Norton:Yeah, I never eat eggs done that way. But now you've made them, I will, of course, eat them. Raw. Thank you.

37:10Maria McErlane:With the slimy bits in.

37:11Graham Norton:Yes, I don't quite know how they're this wet.

37:14Maria McErlane:They are giving me the ick, but I will eat them.

37:19Graham Norton:This is so kind of you.

37:22Maria McErlane:I love seeing those videos of babies heaving when they get fed some food and they're like, I think he likes it.

37:33Maria McErlane:We've got another one. Tracy Krugersdorp. How would you pronounce that?

37:39Graham Norton:Hang on, Kruger. Oh, it's the Kruger National Park.

37:46Maria McErlane:Krugersdorp in South Africa says, I understand this is frustrating and you were looking forward to family time, but it is her holiday home and you are staying there for free. You will be in beautiful France and a bedroom is just for sleeping at the end of the day. With regards to the dog, definitely be up front with your mother-in-law about your concerns and ask her to leash him around the children. This is happening now and you need to try to make the most of it. Remember that most men never, ever really leave the teat. So you don't want to make it awkward. Alienate your husband and cause drama for years to come.

38:22Maria McErlane:I don't think we needed the bit about leaving the teat.

38:25Graham Norton:I must say, I didn't expect to hear the word teat today. But now we have. I might try and get it in. Teat. Teat. It's not nice, is it? No, it's very veterinarian. It is. Yeah.

38:40Maria McErlane:She's got an infected teat.

38:41Graham Norton:Oh, I'll have to put petroleum jelly on it.

38:48Maria McErlane:Nobody goes to the doctors and says, I've got an infected teat.

38:51Graham Norton:It's hard as a rock.

38:58Maria McErlane:But I'm very pleased that I've heard the word teat today. And so many times.

39:04Graham Norton:Gwyneth, whatever you decide, I hope you manage to have a nice holiday somewhere. Gwyneth got in touch with her dilemma by emailing us, wangingon at listen.co.uk. You could send your dilemma there too. It's also where to address your Am I Weirds. Here comes the jingle. Am I Weird? Love it more and more. Do you? It's Ireland's Eurovision entry for next year.

39:28Maria McErlane:I look forward to that. Today's Am I Weirds, Graham, comes from Jamie, who says, Hi, Graham and Maria. I met my partner seven years ago. He's Greek and I'm English. When we met, I realised that he loves to stand side by side whenever we're in the kitchen. If I'm cooking, he will stand close enough for us both to brush arms, tasting the food I am cooking for the duration. I would prefer not to have a clingy supervisor eating in my ear the entire time. Whenever I've said this to him, he says I'm the problem and that I'm rejecting him. Am I weird? P.S. When I visited his family in Greece, his dad does exactly this to his lovely mum at every single meal.

40:13Maria McErlane:Full stop in between those words. P.P.S. I've suggested he get a glass of wine and sit on a chair in the kitchen so we can still talk. And he said, I don't want to talk to your back. P.P.P.S. I do love him very much. I think that's not so much an am I weird as a problem.

40:30Graham Norton:Well, I think it's a, is he weird? I think really they've written in in order to say you've married a weird one or you're with a weird one.

40:40Maria McErlane:Look, his family do it in Greece, so it's clearly something that he's learnt. Growing up at his mother's knee, just holding on to her while she makes the meatballs or the soufflaki.

40:50Graham Norton:Listen to you. I think you've let this happen for seven years. Too late now. Yeah. I mean, the only thing I think is, you know, we don't know what your kitchen is like, but if there's a... It's very tiny. No, no, but... It's like the blue grotto. A chair in the kitchen. So sit in the chair. Yeah. Is there any way that you could, you know, angle yourself so your food prep can happen facing him? Yeah. If you know what I mean. Like essentially what I'm saying is like a kitchen island would do the trick.

41:21Maria McErlane:Yes, I hear you.

41:22Graham Norton:But you need quite a big kitchen for an island.

41:24Maria McErlane:I hear the geography of that. What about this?

41:26Graham Norton:I've come back to islands again.

41:27Maria McErlane:Yeah. I'm obsessed. and put a blue light in the middle of it. What about this? You do the cooking one night and he does the cooking the next night. And when he does the cooking, you don't stand next to him. You sit in the chair. You lead by example with a nice glass of wine, leaning back to get under the cave.

41:49Graham Norton:But also, can he? But that will annoy him as well. Why? Because he won't want to talk looking at some tiles. He'll want to talk looking at her. so he'll turn around and then he'll cut himself and bleed to death.

42:02Maria McErlane:Oh.

42:02Graham Norton:Oh dear.

42:03Maria McErlane:It's a win-win.

42:05Graham Norton:That's ended terribly. Poor Jamie.

42:09Maria McErlane:None of us knew that would happen.

42:11Graham Norton:I know.

42:12Maria McErlane:I don't think you're weird, Jamie. I do think that you can train your husband not to stand by you. I can feel that. It's kind of quite annoying to have someone on your shoulder and really too close, like invading your space.

42:26Graham Norton:It's wildly annoying, but I think it's old dog new tricks. I mean, he's been doing it for seven years now. He grew up with this was a thing. So I think, Jamie, you love him very much.

42:37Maria McErlane:PPS.

42:38Graham Norton:You love him very much.

42:39Maria McErlane:Just say you're not going to cook if he's going to stand by you.

42:41Graham Norton:And chew in your ear. Yeah. That's the bit that really...

42:43Maria McErlane:And then have a massive row and divorce. Which is better than killing him. Brushing your arm.

42:48Graham Norton:Brushing your arm.

42:49Maria McErlane:After seven years, if you still want to brush someone's arm, something is wrong. Yeah.

42:54Graham Norton:Back off, weirdo.

42:56Maria McErlane:and stop breathing I've got a knife I'm chopping the vegetables and you're too damey

43:05Graham Norton:yeah look I think you've got you aren't weird that's for sure Jamie your husband is possibly a bit weird but I think too late to do anything about it

43:14Maria McErlane:I like the fact that his dad does it with the mum as well so he's learnt it he's learnt behaviour and you're alright it may be too late

43:20Graham Norton:do you know what you could do Jamie you could learn a bit of the old Greek and ask the mother how she copes. Because she's been doing it for a lot longer than seven years.

43:28Maria McErlane:Maybe she doesn't mind it. Maybe she feels it's part of the family thing, family dynamic that daddy stands here and, you know, watches me.

43:36Graham Norton:I don't know.

43:37Maria McErlane:With no trousers on.

43:39Graham Norton:Like, does the father think she's trying to poison him?

43:43Maria McErlane:I think it's just a nice kind of affectionate, you know, cooking is love and all of that.

43:48Graham Norton:And also, if you grew up in a house, you know, like one of those galley kitchens. Yeah. You know.

43:53Maria McErlane:You're obsessed with the size of his kitchen. Well, because that's the problem. Right.

43:57Graham Norton:You know, because if he grew up in a small house with a small kitchen, then dad and mom would have to be kind of side by side by the thing. You know, they would. There's nowhere else to go. And just like in your assumption of they're in a small hut in the middle of Greece.

44:11Maria McErlane:They might live in a boat.

44:12Graham Norton:They might live in a boat.

44:12Maria McErlane:What about when you next do a barbecue, have that, and have a branding iron in the fire? When he gets too close, you just go...

44:22Graham Norton:well you've really solved that problem

44:24Maria McErlane:well you were going to kill him a minute ago no he's going to kill himself I'm just branding him accidentally accidentally

44:32Graham Norton:as Jamie very sort of rustle up something delicious we conclude this episode of wanging on

44:39Maria McErlane:and we also make it clear as if we need to that we are definitely not experts and if you do need experts and don't take us seriously at all if you need genuine help with any of life's problems please seek it out from the proper channels there's a link in our Instagram bio and we are at wanging on

44:56Graham Norton:wanging on with Graham and Maria is a platform media production and do you know what we'll be back next week to do it all again we'll see you then goodbye woohoo

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