Ashley Cain: “I’d Trade My Life to Hold My Daughter for One Second More”

28:03Yeah. I like that. That was a tactic. And then, you know, it was a case of then, the case of money. We've done this GoFundMe campaign and it was the fastest GoFundMe campaign ever, I think, to a million pounds. Literally, the day of, the consultant comes into the room and said, And Azalea's tumours have come back. She has now got tumours in her lungs, on her spleen, in her stomach, in her kidneys and in her brain. And she won't be able to fly. And this time, there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. The pressure of Azalea being that high in the plane would have caused havoc with the tumours.

29:04the radiotherapy was too harsh it would have killed her so at this point you know they were like there is absolutely nothing we can do anymore we've explored everything and I'll tell you something about hope yeah hope's weird you know I used to hope that my daughter could beat cancer i hope that we can have a couple more months or a couple more weeks and then i got to the point mate where my hope become the fact that i hope that when she passes away it's peaceful and she can be in our arms and then uh yeah we we made sure one thing that we pushed back on is we pushed back to keep going to the hospital to get transfusions so we kept getting transfusions to hold that together so that she would pass away peacefully and then one morning uh we just knew that that was the time and we made sure that she was lining our arms and i just counted the second the seconds between her breaths until the point that she didn't breathe anymore.

30:21And, um, yeah, that, um,

30:30I can't, I can't forget that moment. That moment will never, ever leave me. I used to, you know, like, and I have to, it's like, holding a little girl in your arms that for the first time began to look so poorly, man. That hurt me. It hurt me because when she went home for the final time, she started to look poorly. That hurt me. And I'm looking at her.

31:03I'm counting between her breaths. And when she didn't breathe again, you know, I feel so guilty that the biggest journey that my daughter ever had to make, I wasn't the other side to greet her. And I can never not feel guilty about that. No matter how much somebody wants to tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty, I'll never ever be able to not feel guilty about that. I even got to the point for where I thought it'd be okay for me to keep her at home. After she passed? Yeah, I thought, you know, it's okay. I'll keep her here and still look after her and still... How do you... I can't... I thought that was an okay thing to think.

32:00I thought, it's okay. We don't have to take the funeral directors. We can keep her here and look after her and still hold her and still, you know, love her and take care of her.

32:16At this point in the conversation, Ashley needed to take a break. What he just shared with us is something I hope no one listening to has to go through. If you have, my heart goes out to you and I encourage you to reach out for professional support. Now, I've reflected on this part of our discussion many times and I'm struck by how incredibly brave Ashley is to speak so openly about the passing of Azalea in an effort to help others who might be going through tough times. Traumatic experiences can fundamentally alter our brains, particularly in the areas related to stress response, emotional regulation, and memory.

32:56When trauma isn't processed or addressed, it could have significant and long-lasting effects on our mental, emotional, and physical health. Unaddressed trauma often manifests in a range of negative outcomes, such as anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and difficulties in forming or maintaining long-lasting relationships. Now, Ashley is clearly someone who has worked through a lot of his trauma. So I asked him what steps he's taken to reach the place he's at today. I mean there's there's two ways you know you can look at steps you can look at you know like mentally or you can look at like a routine that you would you know apply kind of around your day okay I think I think for all all forms of my trauma that I've had whether it was you know loss or whether it was you know racism or whether it was you know bad things in my career I think I think the important thing first and foremost is you have to face it.

34:02You can't run away from it. And when I say face it, I don't mean like pick your fists up and run into it and run out screaming. I mean, you have to really come to terms with what's happened. And you have to be honest. You know, the main way I think that I managed to overcome certain issues with Azalea is because not only did I have to be brutally and truthfully honest with myself. I chose to be brutally and truthfully honest with my family and everyone around me because that becomes very humbling. And when you're humbled, you are truly at the base of how you can feel, but only at the base of how you can feel will you really know the true steps to build yourself back up into the person that you need to be.

34:47So I guess it was facing the situation and being completely honest with how I felt. That was key. And I always say this, when I have something, it's not about moving on from it. Maybe you move on with it. And I think that's a very key component to this thing. I think a lot of people think that whatever they've had to face is something that they need to move on from and put in the back and they will never have to deal with it again. My trauma is ongoing, you know, and for me, I don't believe my trauma is ever going to leave me. And I wouldn't want it to leave me because the pain I feel is just the love that I have for my daughter.

35:25And I never, ever want that to leave. So I have to move on with my trauma and find coping mechanisms around it. I can't always say like trauma and loss, the circle will never get smaller. We just get stronger around it. We grow out from our trauma. We grow out from our grief. We grow out from our pain. The pain doesn't disappear and get smaller and shrink. And I think it's understanding these little key things. i would also say one thing that really helped me is the more we make excuses for things forever longer are we going to be in the same place i think you know if something bad happens or you feel a certain way or something happened to you which you didn't like or feel like you didn't deserve it's kind of irrelevant in the grand scheme of you moving forward because we can talk about that's why you feel how you feel we can blame that for why you've done what you've done but at the end of the day in this current situation right now you you still feel how you feel and you've still done what what you've done so if you want to move forward you need to understand that you need to accept it and you need to move on from it or with it and I think it's like very difficult for a lot of people to you know accept and take responsibility for their actions the reason why i told my family who i was in that time because like i spent a lot of time bro writing this eulogy you know in that eulogy not only was i talking about her but i was talking about who i wanted to be yeah so it took a lot you know i spoke it and then after that day when i spoke it i thought i thought like i knew who i wanted to be and what i wanted to do and i was just drinking i was drinking i was drinking and i wasn't being that person and i wasn't doing what I thought, you know, I needed to do.

37:15Yeah. I woke up one morning and, you know, I felt really embarrassed and ashamed that, you know, I keep talking about, I believe my daughter's in heaven, I believe that she's washing down on me and this is what she's seeing. This is how she's seeing her daddy. This is what impact she is seeing that she had on my life. I thought, nah, never again. And by thinking about what she can see was a true reflection of what I can see. Because guess what? I could sit here in front of you today and I could tell you anything about me and you would just have to believe it because you don't know any different.

37:49But I couldn't lie to her anymore because she can always see me. And I also couldn't lie to myself. And I thought, if I can't lie to her and I can't lie to myself, do you know what? I ain't going to lie to no one else around me. I'm going to tell everyone else around me. Because in order for me to know how many bricks I need to lay down to build this house, I need to see the empty plan first. You know what I mean? So I told everyone, you know, and I was open, I was honest about not only how I felt, but about what I was doing. You were opening up the demons, basically. Yeah, 100%. Okay. And then, you know what?

38:22Because when I've done that, yeah, I felt pretty embarrassed. I felt pretty ashamed. I felt like a loser. Yeah. But then it was great. You know what? It was great because I thought I really, really want the people around me to love me and respect me. I really not only want them to feel comfortable with me being on this earth, yeah, and not doing anything stupid, but I want them to feel comfortable enough and secure enough in me that if they've got problems, they can come to me. Always remember that you have people in this world that love you, that care about you, that enjoy you and that need you.

39:07that will always be the case that will never change no matter how shit you feel about yourself that is one thing you always need to know and believe another thing is that you know every single person that you walk past you know on this day is probably going to be in a moment of darkness at some point unfortunately you're not unique in how you feel. But, you know, we always have the strength to see the next day. And tomorrow will always be a new day. We don't need to feel 100 % today. Even if we feel 1%, it's enough to get us through. So one thing that you mentioned there is that we're all going through something.

39:49Yeah. So for many of us that are dealing with trauma, there are other people in our family, other friends in our circle who may not be aware that that person is suffering from trauma especially a man who may not emote yeah what should they be doing what should they be looking for with regard to the men in their lives and checking to see if they're dealing with trauma and how to support them do you know what helped me just someone always being there not always not having an answer but having an ear not judging but listening and being accepting I think for me it was more important for me to know that I have great people to offload to rather than seek advice from I think that was it I think for me it was like a pressure build up it was a massive pressure build up and not everything that I that was pressure I was proud about you know a lot of things I was embarrassed about, a lot of things I felt shameful about.

40:55But I think it's important in those situations not to feel judged. You know, there could have been a lot of things that I said that completely made people around me like, what? But they didn't. They let me release all the demons that I needed to release without judgment, without answers, just with ears and open hearts. And that was great for me because I feel like by them listening, they absorbed a lot of it for me to realize that you know that what that wasn't that bad saying that that wasn't actually that bad it wasn't that bad to say it but it felt twice as good releasing it and i think that's the important thing but you know this it's very difficult for men to be able to say things and not get judged yes and i think people will be surprised is how understanding others are and how accommodating are of how you feel.

41:51And you know what it is? What I've noticed is I'm on the train today. The guy that I signed the book for on the train. Yeah. Yeah, because there was two. You're supposed to bring two of these. Yeah, the guy that done the tickets on the train asked me for my ticket and he goes, do you mind if I sit down and talk to you? He sat down in front of me and he told me his whole story about his child being ill, about the situation he went through with his partner, about the effects that it had. for 55 minutes, my whole train journey. And then after he said, thank you, thank you, thank you. Can I give you a hug?

42:22And one thing I've noticed is because I've been, well, because I'm so well known and because I've been so vocal with my situation, people know I've been in pain. People know that I feel how I feel. So then when they see me, they know that I have the capacity to be able to, you know, relate to them. Yes. But there's so many people out there that can relate to you and your situation. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm a bit of a buffer now for people because they know they can have that conversation with me. And it's really strange. I've seen so many more men open up to me because they know that I've opened up, you know, probably.

42:58And do you feel like a lot of those men don't feel like they have people in their lives they could open up to so they come to you? I mean, potentially, yeah. So how do we change this? In particular, how do we change this with men? because you look at the suicide rates, you look at the mental health epidemic that we're in with men, especially young men. And then you see, okay, you are someone who so many men look up to and they feel like you are a source, but they all can't have access to you. Can I ask you a question? It's very interesting. And I feel like it's great being in your presence now.

43:38Do you think, you know, men talking has got better, you know, say from like 20 years ago. Absolutely. What is the suicide rate now? So we have right now in the UK, 75 % of suicides are men. I mean, numbers wise, is it still going up? Numbers, yeah, in the UK are going up. So my question to you is, right, and this is always an interesting thing because a lot of people ask me, I'm a person that has to look at me, if more people are talking now and there is more support for men and people, why is the suicide rate going up? So this is a great question. I'm curious. So this is also, I think, what we have to look at is there's a massive difference between the number of suicides in the West versus the East.

44:31So the percentage of men committing suicide is roughly the same around the world. It's between 70 and 80%. Yeah. However, if you look at a place like the UK, 11 ,000, roughly 11 ,000 men committed suicide last year. The same population, slightly larger, is Egypt. You know how many men committed suicide last year in Egypt? About 1 ,500. So you think here is Egypt, actually a larger population than the UK. Why does it have drastically lower male suicides? Why would you guess? I think it's because there's a huge attack on masculinity and men being able to be men. Because I think men being in their masculine energy is scrutinized.

45:20I think it's demonized. And I think that has a massive impact. Like, I've tried very hard to be in my masculine energy while being able to show how I feel. You know, and I would always fight for that. But I know how that is seen these days. And I think there's a massive fight at the minute. And I don't understand what the fight is really about. With the fight. So I think this is such a brilliant conversation because I'm with you. I'm on far off here. No, no, no, no. There's a massive battle happening right now. And I do think that it is around this idea of what is masculinity today? Because in our grandfather's day, there was no debate around what masculinity was.

46:04but today the question is okay well what is it because for some people they'll say okay masculinity is about uh protect provide ultra assertive strong uh you know all and any any word you can think of around tough but but i think that i do think i think that is in there i think i try to be one of those things i think i think you have to earn that okay you know you have to have to do those things if that's what you want to do okay but i wouldn't i wouldn't say that anything there is wrong all right so so you have that but then you have other definitions that say okay well you know masculinity is more so it's about respect masculinity is about maturity masculinity is about delivering on what you say promises promises right delivering on that and and and so you and so some people say, okay, these two can't coexist.

46:59Some people say they can. Some people say that it's in the middle. But to your point, I think largely, you know what the problem, in my opinion, what the problem is, is that when you say masculinity for so many people, they immediately enter the toxic conversation into the masculinity, which is ultimately disrespectful, which ultimately is hard not soft yeah which is automatically um tough not fair you know which is automatically um assertive not kind but but i think the whole point of being virtuous yeah is like say for example if i was going to be strong it's me being strong but not using have to use my strength it's me being courageous is it or it's me having the ability to be strong and brave and capable and, you know, I could be dominant in this situation, but you don't have to be.

47:53It's just like, you're just like it. And the virtue about it is just by, like you say, fairness, respect, and that side of it. So that's why I don't say that that's not essential. I think both of them merged into one are essential because I think the whole point is, it's like, I would prefer like people not to fear me, but to respect me. I prefer to, you know, if I was to make a decision, it would be a decision based on you actually wanting to agree with me and think that I was right. And that's why I say you have to earn that because if you earn that competency, people around you begin to trust you.

48:25Yes. I don't want that to be demonized because I think there's a lot of great masculine men out there and I don't think masculinity is a bad thing if it's handled the right way. Do you know what I mean? No, no, and I'm with you. I'm with you. I think there's also, I mean, and this is, maybe this is a whole part too, but I think also, you know, you have a reckoning of what's happening in society around a man's place in society. So for example, what happens to men in heterosexual relationships when you have women out-earning men? Where you have right now, under the age of 35 in the UK and the US, women are out-earning men.

49:05Women have higher levels of education under the age of 35 than men. So if you have a man who's always been told you're going to provide and now you can no longer provide where's your place you you are right what you're saying it's a difficult question but what do you believe like do you change the definition of where someone's place has to be yeah i mean right now society so so even to connect this back to the whole egypt conversation is that because in the East, that is most, that's happening at slower rates. In the West, it's accelerating. So under the age of 35, men are still out earning, out educating women in the East, but in the West, it's not happening.

49:52So I think we have to redefine what roles are in a relationship here, or we have, or like throw out the rules because the rules from 50 years ago cannot work today. And do you think subsequently as well, I was thinking about this a lot on my trip, it's actually defining what makes you happy. Yes. If no one else is looking, what would make you happy, in a sense? And the reason I say this is because, you know, being out on this challenge, I had a lot of time to think, you know, eight to 12 hours a day, just in my own head, just woof, woof. And I thought it's really crazy, Rob, because we live in a society now, this digital age, right?

50:42And we're always consuming information. So we watch podcasts. We listen to podcasts, sorry, of what other people say. We watch videos of what other people do. We read books on what other people have wrote to try and self-master. yeah and we spend less time actually sitting you know and realizing who we want to be and what we need to do to make ourselves happy there's all of these definitions of who we should be and what we do around us but like the only person that can decide you know your happiness is yourself not for me bro i know what makes me happy as a man yeah what makes you happy as a man might be slightly different but i live my life not based on what other people think or not what based on what someone else is doing i do it based on behind closed doors if no one else is looking and what makes me feel good.

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54:08Whether you prefer talking in person, on the phone, or using the award-winning app, it's nice knowing you have help finding coverage that best fits your needs. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Heard in many interviews, you say that you're not happy. Today, Ashley, are you happy? I don't believe there is such thing as happiness, for me anyway. I think like, you know, happiness is a very strange word with a very strange definition because I don't think there is something as total happiness. I think we have happy moments. I think we have happy memories. I think we have happy places. I don't think there's anything as I'm happy because there's so many things on a day-to-day basis that are willing to change that or come up as a sucker punch you in the face.

54:59I guess what I am at the minute is content. The reason why I say content is because currently, you know, I'm at a position where I've achieved something amazing for the cause I wanted to achieve it for. You know, I've got my son, which I get to see and have three days a week, you know, sometimes four days a week, which gives me incredibly happy moments. and I'm surrounded by a great family. I meet loads of great people and I believe that I now in my life have a positive impact in this world. So, you know, I'm kind of content, always want more. Am I totally happy? No, I can never be happy. How can I be happy?

55:36Because something's made me so sad and that's never ever going to change. So my form of like happiness comes from something different now. Like you say, it comes from like, someone said to me today, yeah, like on the train that same guy he said what do you see when you look in the mirror and he was like you need to ask like a couple of people a day what they see it's a good question yeah and i was like you know what i see i say when i get up in the morning i look in the mirror i see a person that you know has somebody who wants to be a certain things he needs to achieve and a pathway to getting there and i said at the end of the day i have a person that's either done that or hasn't.

56:16And that's how I see myself. And that's how I gauge, you know, my level of contentment or my happiness based on that day. You know, what's interesting is I'm with you. I think many of us use words in terms and we don't even know what they mean. Happy, I think amazing is a word that is just like abused. But wellbeing is a great word. Wellbeing is a great word. do you feel like you have strong well-being yes okay and you know what it what it is because i turned off that switch of looking for happiness people say to me you need to take a rest you need to do something for you they tell me all of these things be kind to yourself all of this yeah now for me personally you know me doing that challenge that i've done was unbelievable you know what i I made a really big promise, a really big commitment.

57:15And every single day, I had a feeling and a sensation of achieving something I didn't think was possible and doing it for the most divine and blessed cause that I know, helping kids survive. Like, God, I had a feeling that completely obliterates any night out, any holiday, any retail therapy, any spa day i had my feet ripped to shreds i had tears i had stress fractures i was bleeding i was throwing up i was ill and every single night i lay in the most peace that i have you know this whole year because i knew i'd done what i wanted to do yeah it's all well and good reading listening watching but it's even better to find out your own well-being it is and to the point of well-being i think so there's a woman named dr carol riff who is the og of well-being and she describes it she has a theory called the six dimensions of psychological well-being yeah i believe you have them what are those six what does it mean so one is that you have personal growth personal growth is that you're actively developing new skills.

58:38You are always actively, you set these challenges, you're developing new skills, you're pushing yourself, right? That's one part of it. Another part of it is to have goals. You have incredibly lofty goals, you know what I mean? Another part of it is to have strong relationships with people that you love. You have that. Another is called autonomy. You have control over your time. You decided to come down and see me today. You know what I mean? So you have autonomy. Another, a fifth is called environmental mastery. And that is that you feel like you are an asset to your community. You are an asset to your community.

59:17You know it in terms of how much money you fundraise, et cetera. And the last but not least is considered the most important by many. And that is that you have self-acceptance. Self-acceptance, in my opinion, is more powerful than self-love because self-acceptance is saying, I know my demons and I'm okay with them what you just said there is absolutely amazing I've worked tirelessly in the last three years to attain all of those things and in the way that you said it and explained it not only is it right but it's very poetic yeah but what what's what's the what's the no frills way of that it can come across as quite hard but yeah but there is that in a less poetic non-frills way which i think is very important yes we need to we need to understand we need to accept and then we need to move forward we can't we can't sit in this this area we need to move into that area and sometimes you know i always call it aggressive i mean aggressive and like you want to fight people sometimes it's good to be like aggressive in your pursuit finding that purpose and being aggressive in your pursuit to breaking out the other side rather than wallowing in it and like you know blaming this or blaming that i think sometimes like it's good to like action something going forward so you can feel confident so you can feel competent so you can have self-worth so you feel great so you said being an asset to a room how do you become an asset to a room unless you're an asset yes preach how do you agree i agree it's not about me walking into a room being the best it's about me knowing that i'm making gradual steps to making my situation better that gives me the self-confidence to walk in the room to feel like i'm an asset because number one i know that people can trust me because i keep to my work and if you can build on the others that's absolutely fantastic but you can't walk into a room every time knowing that you're the bottom of the point you're not doing anything about it i think it's having that instinct to be able to better your situation every day.

1:01:18It might be eating really well, so you become healthier. It might be doing a little bit of fitness every day. To become fitter, to look better, to become healthier, it might be upskilling, so you have more confidence to be able to help or affect different situations. I just started really small and doing little things every single day to make me feel better. And that enabled me to walk into a room and become an asset. And I think that's a great thing to say i don't think we should just sit back and just realize that life is really tough sometimes you know don't let life you know make you out to be the victim sometimes you've got to attack life and yeah and what i love too is this is going to stay with me is you cannot be an asset to your community unless you were an asset that was a strong line yeah i like that man because you're you're right and in order to become an asset an asset is a value something of value yeah you have to create that value.

1:02:09Yeah. I want to talk about relationships. Yeah. So you, you were in a relationship, you've mentioned Sophia. Yeah. And you, you, you both created a princess. Yeah. Right. When you think back upon that relationship, what, what did you learn about how as a partnership to manage trauma or to manage grief? I think, you know, the main thing is understanding, first and foremost, if you're a partnership, when you go through something like losing your child, you're the only people that really truly understand each other and how you feel knowing that, having trust in that. you know I think the one good thing you know with me and Saf was like no matter what we always knew that guess what like I know that person feels exactly the same as me because I think that can get rid of a lot of barriers that may be in place I think you know one thing that I always tried to make sure that I did is that I was there to listen I was there to help and also like I like to provide a layer of support so my family was always you know around for for Sophia as well it was just I knew how much the layers of support were beneficial to me so I wanted to have the layers of support for her as well because you know what as well what I was fully aware of mate is you're not always going to be at having the best day right you're not always going to have the best day I knew that sometimes if I spoke to Saf you know maybe something was really hurting that day and if she was a certain kind of way with me it wasn't because it was personal it's because of how she felt and I should know because I could be the same do you know what I mean so I think for me I never expected a relationship to be perfect at that point but what's more important than it being perfect is that you are present and you are there there's so many difficulties with that mate and i think you know with me as well i kind of gained a really strong purpose i wasn't okay a lot of people look at me and like oh i'm actually strong actually this enough mate i i feel but i gained like a really strong purpose that gave me direction of where I was going forward.

1:04:44When you look back upon your relationship, is there anything that you would have done differently?

1:04:55No. I mean, you could say, like, there could be little things. I mean, I don't think any of us are perfect. There's probably certain little things in relationship. You think, oh, probably I should have been a bit different then, or maybe I should have gone about that in a different way. But as in me as a person, who I was, what I stood for, what I did, no. You are very confident in who you are, right? You're very confident in who you are. If someone is listening and they are married to a you who's very confident, some people might say stubborn, right? What advice do you have for them? how do they manage a you?

1:05:41One thing that I would always say to anybody that's with someone like me is you have to have your life as well and we come together and make each other's lives better. Say for me, Paul, like I think whoever I'd be with, I want them to do great. If they had to go and work away, I'm like, how long you got to go for? Four weeks, smash it for four weeks. I wouldn't be where you're going, who's going to be there my instance is yeah i think sometimes and you might disagree being you know especially to relationships right i've always said to anyone that i'm with do not be dependent on me understand and know i will always be there for you i will always look after you do not be dependent on me build your own life build your own self-confidence so when it comes to the time And when you're not happy, you can walk out the door.

1:06:34But if you want to stay, there's always a place for you. That's what I would always say to somebody. I want to be in a relationship, yeah, where we're with each other because we love to be with each other. We're with each other, could we make each other's lives better? And I think that's why it's important, why. You have your going on, I have my going on. And when we come together, we have a whole heap of going on. So does that mean that Ashley Cain is single? Maybe. Okay. And do you know what he's put? I don't do stress, mate. Okay. I'm a simple man. Simple man. You know, for me, yeah, I think I believe my love language is acts of service, yeah?

1:07:08Okay. I've been told that many times. Because I don't like people, I don't need anyone to, I don't want people to buy me anything, I don't want anyone to do something big, you know? It's just little acts of service for each other and don't cause unnecessary problems. Right. I don't do stress. Because you're single. I have to do this. Because this is my zone right here. This is my zone, right? One, how you described a relationship, I love that. That's called an interdependent relationship. So that's lovely. I love that. It's so hard right now for people to connect, to find a partner. It sounds like that you're open to finding a partner.

1:07:45Are you dating right now? Can we talk about this? I'm out and about now and again. I mean, like, you know, I'm very busy, so it has to fit in with my schedule, you know, all my travels or wherever I am. But I mean, my priority is not dating, but that doesn't mean I don't date. Okay, so you're open to it. I would never look for anything. What I do is I make sure that my life is in order, right? Because then when I find somebody or if I find somebody, yeah, they will only come into my life because they're an asset to it, not because I need them. I think searching for a relationship in desperation of searching can make you accept things that are below part of what you deserve or somebody that isn't good for you.

1:08:29Whereas my life is that powerful that you're only getting these doors if you make it better rather than worse. So I know what I deserve. So let's talk about how you get in the doors. Okay. Let's talk about how you get in the doors. Now, this will be interesting. I don't know how you're going to answer this. is that you can see, I mean, you're, you're, you're, you are a traditional, you feel like you're a traditional guy, right? Would you be open to a woman approaching you? Yeah. Okay. How would you like to, well, because, because a lot, because, because you know what, most women, not even some, most women believe that men don't want a woman to approach them.

1:09:12that yeah that that men are not interested in having women approach them and i always say they believe that they believe that women believe that yeah and i think they're coughing out you think so 100 all right so you would you would love to have a woman it's not what love like i mean me being the kind of person if i seen somebody that i i was attracted to and had a good vibe i would just try and go up to them like a normal person you're like me like i always go for the approach of like if you're seeing someone in the supermarket it's just like how would you or how would you talk to anybody i just talk to everybody the same you know like in terms of approaching but how would you like them to approach you so let's say you're at the coffee shop no no you wouldn't be at the coffee shop you're at the protein shop yeah you get your protein shake on yeah and someone sees you what would you like them to say to you i think do you know what i think i think obviously you've got to be very careful at looking at somebody but i always try and like i always try and look yeah so like if i see you sitting today i see you got strong right so then i make a comment and that I'd see something I like about your shoes.

1:10:10I'd just find like something that I can relate to, that I have something to say about, and then just go and be confident and say it. Don't make it weird. Don't make it too much. You can make an observation about, you know, the fact that I look like I train, you know, or you could make an observation that you like my smile or that I'm drinking a protein shake or just say, hi, how are you? You know, what are you doing today? Anything. Because I think in this dating world and when we come to speaking to people, it's like if you seen somebody that you weren't attracted to you would have no problem speaking to them because you haven't got that that sense that heightened sense within you as soon as you see someone attractive i don't say wrong i don't know what to say right i'm not sure what to do so i just think like just make it normal if you want to come up and just just laugh or make me smile or whatever i'm not too picky i'm a simple person ball i'm so simple all right so here's here's where it gets technical, let's say they approach you and they talk about, hey, it looks like you train.

1:11:07Would it be too much of an ask if then they then ask you out? No. Because I think we all have a choice. I think, you know, I think, yeah, within the first, like, couple of seconds with interacting with somebody, you know if they're a potential suitor or not. You might not know whether they're the potential love of your life or whether they're going to make you laugh great or wreck your life. But you know instantly with the connection whether you could pursue this to another day or maybe two more days. I think you know. So I just think we shouldn't be too prude. I'm just not too prude. I flirt with the old checkout lady named June who's about 70.

1:11:54I try and make her feel good. So if somebody came up to me and we just normally try to make you feel good and ask me, you know, to go on a date, I don't think too much about it. But I think, you know, how we are and how we perceive certain situations today can scare a lot of people off. And I think that's, you know, like the old thing now when like people filming in gyms, you always see girls filming in gyms and the guy looks and then it's like, they're being this. I think we just need to take all of this kind of stuff out a little bit and just get used to like meeting people in public, being chatty, you know, being quite nice, have a little flirt and see how it goes.

1:12:26I haven't got no standards or not. If you come up to me and say hello and I'm attracted to you and I'll get on with you in the first couple of minutes of us talking, why would we not go on another date? So, is Ashley right? Should women approach men? Absolutely. I always say this. Absolutely. Here's why. Research has shown that 90 % of men would be happy if a woman made the first move. And here's something interesting. Women are catching on. According to one study, over 70 % of women today say they're open to approaching men first. Now, that's a big shift from a decade ago where traditional norms still dominated the dating scene.

1:13:04This change reflects cultural shifts towards gender equality in a more balanced relationship. Now, research from my good friend, Dr. Terry Orbach, shows that couples who feel equal in decision-making tend to be more successful and satisfied. So when a woman takes the initiative, it can actually set the stage for a healthier, more balanced relationship from the start. So ladies, please don't hesitate to make the first move. It's not just about breaking the ice. It's about building the foundation for a stronger and equal partnership. Now, at the start of this conversation, I asked Ashley how he was doing.

1:13:44He said he always has an overarching feeling of pain, trauma, and sadness. After our conversation, I was curious to see if he felt any better. So I asked him again how he was doing.

1:14:01I feel good right now. After our conversation, I think it was a very nice environment. I think we talked about some really amazing and powerful topics. and you know as the opposite yeah you know i'm glad i met you and i like you as a person so right now i feel good you know i feel a lot better now than when i first walked in here today all right that's good yeah that's good that's good it's an honor this has been an honor to have this conversation with you really has all right next is you think back to all of the incredible conversations you've had throughout your life what was the most memorable who was it with?

1:14:40What was the conversation? Hmm.

1:14:48It was probably a conversation that I had with my mom recently because I really didn't expect it. And, you know, because usually I would ring my mom just for somebody to mollycoddle me and just tell me everything's going to be all right. And my mom came with a level of motivation and a level of no-nonsense that I'd never seen or heard from anybody before, which made me not only understand that I could, but truly, truly, deep-rootedly believe in it because she told me that. and then it gave me a really strange reflection that I always thought that my mom was the loving and caring one of my dad gave my strength but then me not realizing that my mom is probably the strongest person that I know because she never faulted she may not be an in your face strong person and it know it taught me that I didn't have to be a certain person to be strong my level of compassion can be my strength.

1:16:02My level of love can be my strength. My level of loyalty can be my strength. And strength doesn't always need to be heard or seen. Sometimes it can just sit quiet and be felt, you know. And my mom gave me that. And it was an incredible conversation. Like I said, I was in a weak moment. And I reflected back on all that my mom's been through. And I reflected back on the person that she was during those times. And I thought, that's a kind of strength that's admirable and a kind of strength that I should adopt. You know, it was great. Yeah. That was so powerful. You know, I find what's so interesting about our conversation is that we ended exactly where we began.

1:16:45Yeah. Is that interesting? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it, man. Really enjoyed it. Yeah, man. I think I've learned a lot, man. If I'm on the back foot a bit, I was like, I don't know. Just like last time, I want to give you my top five key takeaways and advice from this conversation. It's my hope that each time I sit down and talk with a guest, you learn something that you can take away to help your own relationships. Number one takeaway, being honest with yourself and others is crucial for overcoming trauma rather than avoiding it. According to a study published in JAMA Psychiatry, individuals who confront and openly discuss their traumatic experiences show a 30 % greater improvement in mental health outcomes compared to those who avoid addressing trauma.

1:17:37This approach helps in processing emotions, reducing symptoms of PTSD, and improving overall well-being. Number two, evolving definitions of masculinity significantly impact men's mental health and well-being. Research by the American Psychological Association indicates that traditional masculine norms, such as emotional suppression and self-reliance, are linked to higher rates of mental health issues in men. Men who conform to these norms are 1.5 times more likely to experience depression and anxiety compared to those who embrace more flexible and expressive forms of masculinity. Number three, setting personal goals, developing new skills, and cultivating strong relationships are essential for psychological well-being.

1:18:30Individuals who set specific measurable goals and engage in continuous skill development report a 20 % higher level of life satisfaction. Additionally, strong social connections are linked to a 50 % increased likelihood of improved mental health. Number four, being an asset to one's community and making gradual improvements to oneself are key to personal growth and well-being. Individuals who actively report on balancing the two report a higher level of relationship satisfaction and an increase in personal self-confidence. Effective communication and self-care practices are vital components in achieving this balance.

1:19:16I want to thank you for listening to this conversation with Ashley today. Much love and respect.

1:19:28Thank you.