Dr Tara Swart - What Science Says About Non Monogamy

34:58Okay. But, and of course, this will vary around the world. So there are different ideals and different cultures, for example. I imagine there'll be something genetic. I always have this theory that you're either a gene pool expander or a gene pool solidifier. So you either go for someone that looks like they could be your sibling, or you go for someone that's completely opposite to you. Yes. And I haven't got the science to prove that, but I have a lot of anecdotal evidence of it. All right, fair. So I think there's so many factors involved here. It is obviously what people look like, what they sound like, what they smell like, what their values are, you know, common goals and interests, family situations.

35:43But it will probably be something partly genetic as well. Okay. And it will definitely be something that is an indicator to you of the other person's fertility. Even if you don't want to have kids, that is a factor in our choice of partner. So can we break that down? I've heard many people call it the golden mean. And I think, okay, is this really a thing? And ultimately what the golden mean stated was that if you look at a woman and look at the differential between her waist and hips, if the hips are – if the margin is 50 percentile or greater, it suggests that she is fertile and so therefore appears to be more attractive.

36:26So certain cultures have, women tend to fall into more of an apple shape or more of a pear shape. And so if that's the norm in your culture, then you as a man are going to find that attractive. So you're describing more the pear shape, which applies to many cultures around the world. But if you look at sort of like South Asia and Southeast Asia and the rest of Asia, the shape is quite different. But for people of that culture, there's a different indicator of what look makes you look fertile. That's fascinating. And that comes from, that's just evolution. Yeah. So basically, there's a theory about the monsoon diet for the sort of Asian diaspora, which is that it was advantageous to store a bit more belly fat for times when it was kind of feast or famine.

37:29And so if you think about the fact that Indian women wear saris and they show their belly, that's attractive to Indian men. Okay. Whereas in, you know, the Western world, it's attractive to have a flat belly, a small waist and, you know, a larger bottom. Look at that. Larger hips. Larger hips. Yeah. Yeah. It's all the same. All the same. Are there indicators for men that appear to be, I wouldn't necessarily, I actually, it would be still more fertile, right? For the men. So what are the indicators? Because I've always heard it's shoulder to waist ratio. Mm-hmm. The first one, which I'm sure you see on all of your data, is height.

38:12Yes. Yeah, that's just the absolute sort of given. And then, yes, broad shoulders, musculature. But again, that will vary from culture to culture. If someone is not physically pleasing or the sound is not pleasing or the smell is not pleasing from that first interaction with them, should you give them another chance? I think I'm going to say something you're not going to expect. If the smell, smell is the biggest detractor. So if the smell is not pleasing, I would say probably not. With the other two, I would say give people a chance. So what I hear a lot of my friends saying is something about the way he dresses or the state of his body.

39:00And I always say those things can change. But you can't change your smell. and you can't change your voice. You could change your accent if that was an issue. So I think because I'm just such an oxytocin person, so I just want everyone to be happy and give more chances and let things work out. So, yeah, I think as long as you've got your boundaries and your intentions right, there's no harm in giving people a few chances. Like I said, in moderation, go on two or three dates. right don't drag it out for 10 dates if you really don't find them visually pleasing but if it's something that could change like if they change their weight or they you know toned up in a different way or they dress differently or something then you know i think that could still be okay yeah you know that was shocking to hear from you but i'm with you i yeah i i agree with that i i absolutely agree i absolutely agree absolutely agree

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40:37It's about the journey. So take the pressure off, open your mind, and embrace the adventure. Wherever it takes you, it starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today and see where your next connection might lead. So now we want to dig into, you frame this as the source, right? The source. What is the source and why is the source so important to us? from my point of view the source is basically your brain firing on all cylinders so it's you at your best in a more kind of relational way but from the neuroscience and cognitive science it's about creating the conditions in your body in your environment and that includes relationships so that you can take some healthy risks and you know do feel more agency over your life.

41:30And don't feel like life is just happening to you and you feel a bit powerless to do anything about it. Don't have regrets. One of the ways I get people to think about whether they want to go on that journey is, has your life panned out as you always dreamt that it would? And if the answer to that is no, I just really want people to understand that there is so much potential in the brain to change that much more than people may think. Is this where manifesting and it comes in. All right. So this is an area that I have honestly struggled with. Oh, at its absolute simplest level. And this is why I really invite people not to be skeptical about it.

42:13It's setting a goal and doing what you need to do to make that goal become true. Okay. So you can't really argue with that as a, you know, something that people could or, you know might want to do the manifestation part of it is well prior to me writing the source the general consensus was that the universe or a higher power or certain types of energy could help you to get the things that you want in your life via a certain way of thinking or visualizing or creating a you know a visual image like a vision board of the things that you want but the way that that story was was told kind of made people feel like they didn't actually have to do anything but say I'd love to have a house in Hamptons and that there was some mysterious force that would make it happen which I actually feel is quite disempowering for people so over a summer I just decided to google what are the laws of attraction and see how much cognitive science I could pin to them.

43:24And so the first thing I found was that there wasn't even universal agreement about what they were or how many there were. So I kind of grouped them into six categories and immediately I could see there's so much cognitive science that can explain this. And what I like about that is that that is saying, you, Paul, with your brain power, your intelligence, your creativity, your motivation, your intuition um you can make things happen in the world that you really want but but you must be going out there and doing something to make it happen not sitting at home creating a fantasy and just waiting for it to fall out of the sky right right and that's very empowering very so so so how do we do this i mean how do we manifest because one part of this is it is so interesting because I would argue that most of us don't believe we have that power.

44:25So how do we do it? Let's put it like this, just to make it really tangible. It's to do with neuroplasticity, which is the fact that our brain is growing and changing throughout our lives. I think that one of the reasons people thought that they couldn't do it is because we believed for such a long time I mean until 20 30 years ago that not even 30 20 that by the time you physically stopped growing so usually around the age of 18 that your brain also completely stopped growing and changing and that you were stuck with the personality the IQ the EQ um the capability as it were you know to do new things then once we had sophisticated scanning technology because before that in neurology we really only understood how the brain worked when things went wrong so when someone had a stroke and certain parts of their speech or their body didn't work then we were like oh that's related to that part of the brain and equally if we did surgery and you know for a tumor or something and you touch certain parts of the brain and the person jerked their leg or spoke you know then you think oh that's to do with right yeah um once we could scan healthy brains we could see lots of things like what happens when you have an emotion or you know you make a good decision but also we could see how much the brain was changing in response to everything that it's experiencing um and we saw that that process was active till we were 25 and just to just to you know just remind people how amazing that process is think of your kids when they went from zero to two.

46:05They literally could do nothing for themselves at first and completely relied on you for survival. And by the age of two, they're telling you what to do. In up to five languages, they can learn up to five languages at the same time in the first two years of their life, as long as a different person speaks each one to them individually. They are walking independently. They can control their bladder and their bowels. and, you know, and of course more growth and learning from then. So people saying I don't have the power to manifest as an adult is literally like someone saying there is absolutely no way I could learn Spanish as an adult.

46:46So it's going to be harder than it was when you were at school, right? But most people could. Some people I know just don't like languages, but it's something like a language or a musical instrument. It's a difficult thing to learn. but if you gave up your day job and spent a year having lessons and practicing every day you would become fluent yes now of course we're not going to ask everyone to give up their day job and start manifesting full-time so it has to kind of start small um you have to kind of almost build up that trust muscle with it by doing things that are achievable like within your grasp that you feel you have more agency over.

47:27My favourite way of doing it is through a vision board. And I will purposely have things on my vision board that I know there's a lot I can do about kind of making that happen. And then the other ones, I'll allow them to just run kind of slightly under the radar for the whole year. And I'll do what I can, but that may be more limited. And I, so I sometimes do mine on Pinterest. So that means I can move things from the board to an area that says manifested. So I'm completely, I'm continually visually reminding myself, I did that one, did that one, got that one. And then that helps you to think of maybe new ways or opportunities to get the one, make the ones come true that might've been a bit, seemed a bit harder at the beginning of the year.

48:11Are there any limitations to what we should place on our vision board or what we should attempt to manifest? Because I'd imagine, I mean, so many people will relationship or would desire relationship, a home, maybe different job, could be children. Are these all fair? We can manifest all of these. Yeah. All of these. 10 million pounds. That one, if you're a hedge fund trader, yeah, sure, put that on. But I wouldn't put that on in the first year if you are currently earning 50 ,000. Okay. Because all you're going to do is show yourself that you can fail. Okay. So how do we determine what is within grasp and what is beyond when we're manifesting?

49:07The process of doing vision boards every year over several years has obviously really helped me to hone that. Okay. And with a couple of friends, when I was staying with them, they said, please, could you look at my board? and there were just some things that were obvious to me that should be moved or removed or replaced and both gave me amazing feedback afterwards so I think it's a skill that you build up over time but I will certainly say that when I did my first one I kept it very realistic so I did my first one when I had just changed career so given up medicine and started um my coaching career at the time and I can't remember everything that was on it but there was a certain amount of money on it and a coach who was kind of helping me with it challenged me about why I'd chosen that figure and I said well that's that's what I need to live for a year and she said I think you should double it and I remember thinking doubling it seems really unrealistic I mean maybe I could increase it so it's not just what I need but it's kind of you know a little bit more of a measure of success but she really pushed me so I did put the double figure on it and I did make that that year um and it wasn't it wasn't a huge figure um but it was double of what I said I needed to live for a year kind of thing um but if I had put you know a million dollars on there I would have got to the end of the year and thought I was a failure I'm not going to set myself up for that obviously the number has increased over time um and at one point I just stopped making it a number and just made it a symbol of abundance because mine are much more metaphorical now.

50:44And I feel like that gives me a bit of room for magic, if you know what I mean. Yes. Let's say that it's someone who's in a 20 year relationship and they feel as if their relationship is stagnant and they want more from, from, from their relationship. And they're flipping through a magazine and they see a couple laughing, giggling on the beach. Yeah. And it feels they have that, that reaction. so you're saying take that image place it on the board yeah okay then what's the next step place it somewhere prominent that you can see it regularly so my ideal place is next to my bed because you see it at least twice a day and there is an advantage to seeing it last thing at night as well did you ever play tetris on a game boy oh my gosh i still play tetris do you and when you close your eyes do you see the numbers dropping yes i do okay so that's called the tetris effect and you can get a bit of that by having your image image right next to your bed so you see it before you close your eyes okay because a lot of psychological work goes on overnight um and what you're doing is you're imprinting that image onto your subconscious and then you're taking advantage of three neurological processes that are that make it more likely that you will notice and grasp opportunities to move closer to your goal during your waking hours and they are selective filtering selective attention and value tagging okay we're bombarded with so much information our brain has to filter most of it out um so that's why you don't feel your clothes on your skin all day because it's data that you don't really require and the brain is doing that kind of just automatically all the time So a farm in Jamaica is a luxury.

52:37It's not crucial to your survival. So your brain isn't going to be spending a whole lot of time thinking about how do I get a farm in Jamaica? It's going to be thinking about who's my next podcast guest. Yes. Yeah. Yes. So by priming it with imagery, you're making it more likely that your brain isn't just filtering that out. Interesting. But if it was the relationship, if it was the happy, you know, the couple who's happy on the beach, let's say that in my current relationship, I wasn't happy. It seems like that's critical enough where I would constantly be thinking about that one. That's true.

53:15But maybe not doing anything about it. Okay. So, you know, even having that image there of a really happy couple laughing is going to start changing your mindset from relationship stale and, you know, this is what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life to maybe I watch, you know, a TED talk by a psychologist that says you can restart a marriage at any time. Okay. You know, or you start reading some books about it or you go to therapy when you wouldn't have done that before. Okay. So I think it's about changing your mind and then looking for opportunity. So in that one, the relationship one, it would go from feeling like you're stuck in this situation now to perhaps being more proactive about what you could do differently to reignite that relationship.

54:03And, you know, potentially, of course, the answer to that could be that you both go your separate ways and find new relationships with other people. And it's fresh and you're laughing on the beach. You know, sort of there's a variety of solutions that could be beneficial for both. All right. That's fair. Yeah. But that, so you mentioned that there was a value tagging. Selective filtering we talked about. Okay. So selective attention is the fact that you are, you know, they say when you buy a new car, you suddenly see the exact same car everywhere. Yes. So the fact that you've got this image so prominent for you means you're more likely to see a for sale advert or you're more likely to tell your friends that this is what your dream is.

54:43And then one of your friends in Jamaica says, hey, I saw a plot come up for sale. Interesting. If you don't tell anyone, then no one can help you. I see. So in the relationship context, you're probably seeing you're more aware of maybe other couples. You're perhaps more aware of the advertisement for counseling. you're more aware of the ted talk that pops up that talks about so so you're more aware of these things all right fair and probably because you notice i said you're more likely to notice and grasp opportunities so you're probably more likely to do something about it as well rather than interesting yeah interesting so so so this is the the first step though and having that image on the vision board is that's that's that's that's that's that's the the entry point but then is there anything else that we should be doing to manifest yeah so visualization so whether it's some people can't visualize it's called aphantasia um so vision boards are great for them because you can actually look at you know real image but whether it's looking at your board or closing your eyes and literally with all of your senses seeing yourself on that farm in jamaica like what it smells like what the earth's like underfoot um what you know sounds you're hearing really immersing yourself in that because for the brain there isn't that much of a difference between actually doing something and having visualized it so when you visualize it repeatedly it doesn't feel like such a new or scary thing because the brain doesn't like new things um doesn't like change so you You know, visualization is a great way of practicing going on a date, for example.

56:26You know, see yourself, what you're wearing, where you'll be, who you'll be meeting. See it going really well. See you both laughing and see at the end that he asks you for a second date. Like go in like that, you know, rather than nervous or thinking of another kind of, you know, blind date or whatever. But on that note of visualization and using that for your dates, do you feel like you set the expectation too high? So I wouldn't pin that to expectation. I would just do the visualization as a meditation and just be so grateful for that potential outcome. And maybe it's not going to be the next date, but that's the outcome that you want and you're visualizing it and you're going on these dates to make it more likely to come true.

57:08The year is up and I don't have the farm in Jamaica. or I'm not on the beach with my partner and we're laughing, then what do we do next? Some things do take a bit longer than a year. So like I said, building up the trust muscle, if you can look back and say, oh, well, those three or four things on my board have come true. I actually remember a year where it was 2015 and I had said to my friend, who's a professor of neuroscience at UCL, well, I'm going to find husband number two this year. And it was December. And he said, well, you didn't find husband number two, did you? But then for me, it happened the following February.

57:52So like two months later. Look at that. So some things just like are a bit going to the following year. Quite often, well, about 50 % of the time, I'll keep the board from last year because there are still things pending. And I'll just add new things over the top of things that I've already manifested. So it's not a hard and fast rule for a year. But I think if you're repeatedly in a pattern of things not working out, then there's probably a lot of deep work to do. And I suggest to people that if something bad keeps repeating or something good just never happens, then journaling is a great way to analyze your thoughts around your sense of deservingness of that thing, because that's often the root cause of not manifesting.

58:39With manifesting, I think there's a large group of people who, quite honestly, I hate to say it, but there's no action. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's my point. Yeah, yeah. There's just zero action. And this has become the narrative around law of attraction to a certain extent. Yeah. And I think that's why it's really helpful that people like me and Dr. James Doty, who's also a neuroscientist, are writing about it in a way that is based in some science that is really practical, can talk about cases of success. I mean, the number of DMs I get from people saying, I'm engaged, I'm pregnant, I started my own business, it's just wonderful.

59:22And I'm lucky that I get that all the time because it's just reminding me all the time how amazing manifestation is. Yes. And I like to share those stories when I get them as well. Absolutely. But I just want to finish off the process for you because I really want you to do this. Okay, done. I'm going to do it. So you get the images, get them right. I always say leave them in a pet-proof, child-proof, wind-proof place for overnight. Look at it again the next day. Once you're sure it's right, glue it on. Some people never glue it on because they don't feel they deserve it. That's another thing I found.

59:53So be sure that this is what I want. And if you feel okay to do this, then you could even put it somewhere that other people might see it. Because like I said, people want to help you when that happens. They don't judge you. So even in this case, would you recommend posting this on social media? Or is it too much? If people want to. So a lot of people send me their vision boards. Okay. And I always say, can I repost this anonymously? so then I take a screenshot and I remove their name and I repost it so that people can see examples of them okay um but I'm not going to you know send post something that someone gave me in confidence but I if I chose to post my own one obviously that would be fine um so it's the it's the visualizing but then also bringing your other senses in to really integrate it for you and then in that moment of believing that this is like here and now and I'm standing in my farm in Jamaica, just give gratitude for that being true.

1:00:51Because that's putting your brain away from the fear and shame states associated with cortisol into the love and trust and joy and excitement state associated with oxytocin. So it's kind of bringing some, you know, like we talked about before, it's bringing that love and oxytocin into your brain state, and you're much more likely to manifest from that state than a fear state. Yes, yes. And how often should I be doing this? the visualization piece? I would say place the board where you're seeing it at least once a day. Okay. And then with all these foundational practices like journaling and gratitude, for me, when I start them, I do them every day for a year till it's ingrained in my brain.

1:01:36You know, that's neuroplasticity. And then later, I just do them when I feel that I need to. When it comes to our relationships, new partners, a better you know the increased behavior positive behavior of a partner we can manifest these things we can manifest these things but there's a lot we can be doing in the real world to make these things be true yes um i think i'm just going to give a really extreme example here but when people are at an age where everyone's kind of getting married and starting to have babies and stuff there's you know a bit of a mismatch in the group there's usually a five-year period where that's happening for some people and it's not happening for others and so I've had a lot of examples of people saying well I want that too but and you know I definitely want to have a family like before I'm age whatever but rather than taking you know the multi-vitamins that are going to improve your fertility they're going out partying because they think that's the way that they might meet a partner.

1:02:37So, you know, your actions have to align with what you're saying. And also what you're saying really mustn't be just because that's what everybody else is doing. And you think that's what you want. It must be something I call it magnetic, magnetic desire, something that you genuinely truly want, like logically, emotionally and intuitively. Does this social contagion at all impact our ability to manifest? Yeah. So if you're surrounded by people who are into manifestation and visualization and they encourage you and they give you examples of what they've done, then of course you're much more likely to do that.

1:03:17But if you're the one person in your group that's trying to manifest and everyone else thinks it's woo-woo, then it's going to be harder. It's going to happen. And how do you define social contagion? it's about what's acceptable socially. And so what's in your group, your community, your tribe is going to have some impact on some of your choices. So it's very unusual, for example, that one person is the only smoker in a group. It's very unusual that there's only one married couple in a group. So it's kind of, it's what's normal for you. And that has a cascade effect. So, you know, you often see strings of divorces or you often see people putting on weight and then kind of like the whole group does.

1:04:01So let's say you had a group of friends that were all single. I'm not saying like if they're like really good old friends that you get rid of them and only hang out with marriage people, but maybe you could help each other and say, what is it about us and the way we think and the way we behave in the world that's keeping us all single? Let's manifest this together kind of thing. But if you want to be healthy with your partner and they want to sit on the couch and eat chips all day, then something, yeah, has to change. Yes. And it sounds like you're saying that if you are unhappy in your relationship, then there is a higher likelihood that there are other people in your social circle who are also unhappy.

1:04:47I don't think we can say that. But what we can say is that if you're unhappy in your relationship, but you're staying together because all of your friends are married and have been for a long time, then if one of those friends suddenly says, actually, we're getting divorced, you're more likely to then do so because you were already unhappy, but it didn't feel socially acceptable to divorce. Okay. Okay. And so let's put it like this. You talked about that couple, 20 years together, it's gone stale. It's very easy to stay in that situation. But if amongst your group of mostly married friends, someone cheats and that triggers a divorce, then even though you haven't had a trigger like that, it might make you think, oh, OK, well, he left the marriage and he's doing OK.

1:05:37And, you know, after a while, he met someone really nice. Maybe that could happen for me. But when you're all in staying in relationships, whether you're happy or not, you imagine, don't you, that you'll never meet someone else or that, you know, you'll have loads of bad experiences or you won't get something better than what you've got. So it definitely keeps you stuck. Yeah, it does. And another area that I love to talk about is cortisol. Because cortisol seems to be, I mean, devastating to our lives, or should I say the mismanagement of cortisol. So in particular, what is cortisol and how does it impact our relationships?

1:06:22cortisol is at the extreme other end from oxytocin so oxytocin is about love and trust as we've discussed and cortisol is about stress and it correlates with the basic human emotions fear anger disgust shame and sadness and basically when we feel any of those emotions our cortisol levels will be elevated and if we have cortisol levels elevated for some reason like we've got a really tight deadline or something then we will start to feel emotions like that rather than joy and excitement and love and trust yes so they correlate really you know completely cortisol is actually part of our 24-hour body clock so like melatonin helps us to fall asleep cortisol helps us to wake up and um so the the highest level of cortisol is just before we wake up and then during the day there's a normal range depending on your age and gender where it will fluctuate um and if you um were running late for for our meeting today you might get a little spike of cortisol on the way here but then once you got here and I said Paul it's fine I was late too you know it'll go back down again um but when we're under chronic stress that's the problem and it's been a problem for a long time I obviously changed careers during the financial crisis and was dealing with a lot of very stressed individuals then so that's like 16 years ago and then the pandemic put us under chronic stress again um you could argue that we've kind of probably been in it the whole time but highest levels of um and the mental health consequences of the pandemic of post-pandemic of relationship breakdowns loss of sense of self loss of you know sense of purpose loss through actual death you know a lot of people are really stressed at the moment and that means that your cortisol levels are at the highest level or even above it most of the time and we have receptors in the brain that monitor these levels you know for our survival and when they see that you know it's high all the time the brain thinks i'm about to die and so it goes in literally into survival mode and in your brain that pulls your blood supply away from your higher functions to just like the basic you know functions and in your body that cortisol is corrosive it's corroding your immune system it's making you sick um and i don't just mean colds and flus it leads all the way up to heart attacks and cancers and there are implications of those things for relationships too if your partner's always sick if your partner gets a really you know bad illness then that's going to change the dynamic of your relationship as well or if you do obviously um and as a as a survival mechanism it will encourage us to retain belly fat in case starvation is one of the reasons that we're about to die so you know again if somebody significantly changes shape or size in a relationship that can sometimes cause problems as well but mentally the parts of the brain that you need to attend to a relationship because it's hard work all the time that will go your ability to do that your ability to be emotionally intelligent to be flexible to solve problems to be creative to not to not you know fall back on your biases that will just all be gone you know this is why it's devastating yeah and to your point we're living in a day and age where where I feel like most of us are under chronic stress.

1:10:08So how do we manage our cortisol levels given the state of the world and the complexity of relationships? Yeah, it's very hard. It's almost like a full-time job. And I kind of feel a bit guilty saying that because speaking about that and living like that is my job. And I really have so much empathy for people at the moment at how hard this is. And that's why I do so many podcast appearances to try and give people nuggets of things that they can do. So the quickest fix, and this is up there with the oxytocin nasal spray. These are the two things that people Google after they hear me. I was going to say, these are the two things I will definitely do after this.

1:10:53So magnesium is a mineral that's very crucial to stress. It actually underpins 300 processes in our body, one of which is stress management. but it also gets very depleted by stress so it's a bit of a you know vicious circle and if you're chronically stressed and you're depleting your magnesium levels it's very hard to replace them naturally so naturally we would get it from nuts and seeds and leafy green vegetables um but i would say supplementation with magnesium is the easiest thing you can go out and do today if you're if you're feeling really stressed i'm doing that tonight um i actually bathe in it three to five times a week because it's best taken in through your skin okay um it's also good for your skin and your your joints um but some people like to take certain supplements because it can also have a slightly laxative effect and that can be helpful for some people if for example stress is causing constipation because cortisol causes inflammation throughout the whole body and it also causes is systemic dryness, so dryness of the whole system.

1:12:01So as long as you're drinking enough water, there is a potential usage of the laxative effect of it as well. And then, again, journaling, because it's getting these survival emotions a way out of your mind. Light physical exercise, enough to make you sweat, but not high intensity, because that can spike your cortisol levels. that can also help to sweat out excess cortisol levels. Talking therapies, again, is kind of like the, it's like journaling, but it's, you know, it's with somebody else and it's kind of in a safe space and everything. It could be speaking to a friend, but therapy, if you need to take it to the next level.

1:12:43How do people know if they're stressed? So basically, because cortisol is related to the sleep-wake cycle, sleep disturbance is a sign, and that could be difficulty falling asleep, sleep waking up in the middle of the night or waking up um early or even at the normal time and just not feeling refreshed okay um because of the gut brain connection which i mentioned right at the beginning when we're talking about love any um indigestion reflux bloating that can often be a sign of stress magnesium deficiency um shows up as like micro muscular twitches but often under the eyelid. That's a really good sign.

1:13:22Interesting. Yeah. Can I say this? This is something that, I mean, I've told you this, but I need to say this is that, so you have changed my life. Thank you. And you know how you've changed my life. And as you're talking about all of these ways that stress shows up, the signals, I was thinking, wow, I had all of those things. I would wonder why my eye would twitch. My eye would twitch all the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night. I was retaining more fat around my stomach. So this was almost a year ago. I was watching you on a podcast. Actually, my wife was watching you on a podcast.

1:14:04And you were talking about now I know it's not intermittent fasting, but it was restrictive eating. And I started doing that. My life has changed. It has changed. And I thank you for it. I thank you for it because no more eye twitch. I've got an eight pack under this shirt. I have, I sleep through the night, sleep through the night. I have no anxiety. I used to basically drink CBD like a milkshake. I have not used CBD whatsoever. Mentally, cognitively, I feel faster than I've ever felt in my life. And it's one of these where I specifically attribute it to restrictive eating. And so one is I want to thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.

1:14:56My life has changed. But do you think that that also is an antidote? Because I feel like that is something that I use. That was a mechanism that I use. People have to be a little bit careful about that because it does increase your resilience through the fact that it puts you through a little bit of stress because there's a long period of fasting. So I think you and I both do the same 12 to 8.

1:15:22There are a lot of benefits to that. I think probably what I would say is actual intermittent fasting, which is when you reduce your calorie intake drastically for two non-consecutive days of the week. I wouldn't do that if you're stressed. But the time-restricted eating can be helpful for people because it can be a way of getting rid of some of that belly fat, as long as you also address the causes of the stress. Unless you're kind of already eating really healthily and you're not sedentary and you're kind of like doing most of the right things, that should wait till you've got the basics under control.

1:15:59Okay. Okay. That's fair. Yeah. So also, uh, you mentioned earlier, is there cortisol bleeding in essence where your cortisol literally bleeds out to people around you? Well, it leaks out through your sweat. You're giving me images of blood spraying everywhere. But what was cortisol leaks out from sweat? Yeah. So like estrogen and progesterone do, And that's how women synchronize their periods. Okay. Okay. So in essence, someone who has high cortisol levels sweating nearby then increases your cortisol levels. Yes. But with that, unlike with the women in periods, it's regardless of gender, but it matters on status.

1:16:45So the silverback gorilla, his cortisol levels affect all the other gorillas more than they affect each other. So this has huge implications for leadership. Yes. And I've worked with a lot of stressed CEOs and CFOs, but it also, you know, you may be the leader of your family or maybe the leader of a sports team or something like that. So in the workplace, whatever the hierarchy is, it's causing stress downwards. Interesting. So the higher your status, whatever hierarchy, the more that you display the cortisol. So the cortisol leak, should I say. Yeah. Because you can have a high cortisol level but still hide it in essence.

1:17:28And actually that's worse because when you're repressing it, it makes it higher. Interesting. Yeah. So you should. Well, so the difficulty here is, especially when I worked with CFOs, that they're not going to go out and announce, so the numbers are doing terribly to make themselves feel better. They'll be, you know, trying to fix things behind the scenes. So that's a tough one. But that's why for an individual, that's why I suggest journaling and talking therapy, because that is a way of expelling what you're holding it. Wow, this is so fascinating. One other thing, and then we'll wrap up because I know we've hit time, is you mentioned in there that if we have high cortisol levels, we're under stress.

1:18:10If we're working out above a minimal sweat, then that can spike. That's counter to what I often hear. Everyone says, I'm stressed, go to the gym. Yeah. So you're saying don't do that. You can go to the gym, but don't lift like super heavy weights or like, you know, kind of sprint until you're passing out. Because that'll just spike our levels. Yeah. OK. I mean, I literally had I was at a lunch with with friends and there was a really nice lady there who was a law firm partner. But I immediately clocked her as one of my type A clients. And she was talking about how many hours she works and how stressed she is.

1:18:46and then talking about the high intensity classes that she does at the gym to try to relieve stress. And I just looked at her, hardly knew her. And I said, you are exactly the person that should not be doing that. And she went, I know, because it's part of that same drive and, you know, addiction, working excessive hours, traveling excessively, exercising, you know, to such a high intensity. We can't run away from ourselves forever. You know, there's that beautiful phrase, wherever I go, there I am. and I just think that people have suffered so much in the last few years particularly and the world is in such a difficult place at the moment that the more love that any of us can bring into the world and like the more healing that people are prepared to do you know and and not to have to have fear about that I think is really important because we do see after grief and divorce, a spike in testicular cancer for men and breast cancer for women after 18 months.

1:19:46And that's because of the cortisol levels. Yes. Yes. Is there anything that we did not discuss that you'd like to discuss today? There's actually so much that I think we need to come back on. um i've got two like quirky little things that i didn't get to say at the beginning which i'd love to be able to add please especially if it's quirky yeah so if you inject a rabbit with the urine of a woman that's pregnant the rabbit will get her period in a few days time

1:20:24that is the quirkiest stat that i've ever heard do you want me to explain that please yes so rabbits have a 12-day menstrual cycle and they're only infertile for four days so that's when they've got their period so basically being injected with the hormone beta hcg which is the one that's used for pregnancy tests when they get a little hit of that um hormone in their system they immediately release eggs and then a few days later they have their period if you if you liked that one i love that one i i don't know which one you're going to love more but this is my parting gift to you all right here we go my friend at mit has created an ai an artificial nose and he's created it so it can detect certain cancers but it can also detect pregnancy before any other existing pregnancy test and tell you who the father is.

1:21:30Really? Yeah. Really? That's next level. I know. Do you know there are many men who are going to try to destroy that? Destroy that tool by any means necessary. I mean, I guess I can't even go into the how, but that's incredible. Yeah, I've got a whole load of research on that if you ever want to interview me again. Yeah. But I just thought I couldn't leave this podcast with you without giving those two. Those are, I mean, the second one is my favorite. The second one I think we could spend an hour on. Yeah. I mean, do you know how that changes the world? Mm-hmm. That changes the world. Yeah. It's got a lot of implications.

1:22:14Let's just leave it at that. A lot. Let's hide his name because let's keep him safe. Wow. Okay, fair enough. Anything else? I'm not giving you more than that, Paul. Please, give us one more. Well, I then have the last one for you. Okay. Everyone gets this one. So I know you have had amazing conversations all throughout your life, right? If you could think back to the most memorable conversation you had, who was it with? What did you talk about? I mean, it's going to have to be if it was a bit one-sided, but was my husband proposing to me?

1:22:57That's all we need. That's all we need. Love it. Thank you. Thank you. We're definitely going to do a part two, a part three, a part four, a part five, six, seven, eight. But I'm also going to create a vision board. I can't wait to see it. And I'm going to send it to you. I think I'm going to do that on my holiday. That's a great time to do it, especially because of where you'll be. Yes. Yeah. All right, done. I'm going to do it. Because you could take photos, actually. Of me there with the breeze walking around. And then place it. If Jill can capture an image of you with just that look of bliss on your face, that would be so motivating for your brain.

1:23:35But thank you so much. Thank you. I absolutely adore Dr. Tara. Not only is it great to have her as a guest, but it is an honor to have her as a friend. And I want to share with you just three of the many takeaways that I'm bringing from this episode. The first, and this is one that I often tell my son, and that is that dreams without action are just fantasies. Now, while your creativity, intelligence, and intuition are powerful tools, they mean nothing without effort. You can envision life that you want, but you must step into the world and make it happen. One decision, one action at a time. Sitting at home, hoping for a success, that it just falls into your lap.

1:24:23It only leaves you waiting. The truth is nothing changes unless you move. So stop waiting for the perfect moment or the stars to align. The moment is now. And the stars will align when you do. Go out, show up, and make it real. The next takeaway is that true alignment happens when your actions reflect what you genuinely desire, not what others expect or what seems trendy. Dr. Tara calls this a magnetic desire, a goal that resonates with you logically, emotionally, and intuitively, following what everyone else wants, clouds our ability to know our own dreams. But manifestation starts with clarity.

1:25:08What do you truly want? When your words and actions align with your deepest intentions, you create momentum. The path becomes clear because it's yours. Stop chasing what's popular. Start pursuing what feels magnetic to you. And lastly, gratitude isn't just a mindset. It's neuroscience. When you shift your focus away from fear, shame, and stress, you reduce cortisol. the hormone linked to anger, sadness, and chronic stress. Elevated cortisol can make you feel sick, which impacts your mental and physical health. On the other hand, gratitude moves your brain into states of love, trust, and joy, powered by oxytocin, the feel-good hormone.

1:25:57This shift is more than emotional. It's biological. By practicing gratitude, you rewire your brain, lower stress, and cultivate well-being. Gratitude isn't just a nice idea. It's a science-backed pathway to a healthier, happier you. And last but not least, this is so important, journaling is more than just writing. It's a tool to process and release what Dr. Tara calls survival emotions, like fear, stress, and anxiety. These emotions can clutter your mind, keeping you stuck in reactive states. By putting your thoughts on paper, you're not just venting, you're freeing up mental space, bringing clarity and reducing overwhelm.

1:26:41You'll notice that I often suggest to guests on this show the importance of journaling, and I'm so glad to hear Dr. Tara endorse this practice as well. If you feel weighed down by survival emotions, journaling might just be the release your mind needs to thrive. As always, thanks for watching, and I can't wait to see you next time. And just remember, around 9 in 10 of you watching these videos aren't subscribed yet. Now, no pressure at all, but if you're enjoying the content, subscribing is a super simple way to stay connected with us, and it also helps a ton when growing the channel. We also look at every comment, so make sure you comment with your guest ideas below, and we'll get your favorite guest on our future episodes.

1:27:28We Need to Talk is quite literally brought to you by Adobe Express, the quick and easy create-anything app from Adobe. The team uses it to create materials for the show, from the cover art to the social posts. But I think you'll get a lot out of it too. What sets Adobe Express apart is how it puts content creation within reach for everyone, whether you're making a personal vision board, drafting a business manifesto, or creating social content on the go. With templates for everything from Instagram reels to presentations, you can easily make it your own without starting from scratch. It's intuitive and accessible, so you can bring your ideas to life effortlessly.

1:28:07And that's the beauty of it. Adobe Express makes sure that creativity isn't just for the professionals. It's for anyone with an idea. It levels the playing field, giving you the confidence to create something that truly stands out, no matter where you're starting from. Search Adobe Express to get started. Thank you.