Geordie Shore’s Holly Hagan Shares Final Hours Before Losing Sister Darci

46:56He is a very, very laid back person. So laid back, he'd fall over. And I need that. I'm a bit of a hothead. So I need that balance between somebody who's just going to be able to take my snappiness. And I do work on it. My mom's very snappy. And I try my best to not be as snappy. She'll listen to this as well. and be like holly and then i had to deal with his side like you know he's a footballer i learned a lot about his past like from his friends and stuff and because he had also had a past and experienced that he'd also cheated on partners and trapped them like shit and in his previous relationship he was in a very much similar relationship to me and kyle but on the opposite end so he'd learned from that he'd been with her three years broke up at the exact same time i'd been with him three years broke up at the exact same time randomly and I got an opportunity to get a flight out to Ibiza with these people I'd met once I got on the flight two days later I met Jacob who was a friend of the group I just thought he was funny like I'm not a flirty person really as much as I tried to in Geordie Shore I'm not a flirty person it's not my personality so I just thought he was dead funny and I'm friends with boys so it's not uncommon for me to just like wannabe your mate and it was only after that trip that we started texting and getting a bit flirty and now we're married look at that but how did you know because I think this is a question that so many people have is you're in a relationship and you're trying to figure out is this good for me is is this right how did you know it's hard to think back to that time because it was nine years ago now it was such a long time but I think just the way that he was like his personality his humor how we never every boy that I'd been with had always kind of had like sly digs and kind of tried to put me down and he was just like listen I'm not going anywhere like I'm gonna be here and you just you take as long as you need to bring your walls down but this is who I am it took me a long time to believe that he was probably six months to believe that he was actually like this good of a person I'd never met anyone like that before um but i think it was just through him showing me who he was and just holding space for me and who i was and just not being judgmental because every person i'd ever been with had had some kind of judgment towards me and he never had a single ounce which was great look at that yeah it's so beautiful yeah i think it's so beautiful when someone will hold space for you 100 and when they will do it consistently especially as a 24 year old boy like we're 24 at this point like that's young in today's day and age when you think about relationships and things he still could have been like i want to go out and get with more people i'm still in the football world and he was just like no i've had my fun like you're the one i want to give it up for and i was like same look at that so then he gave it up you gave it up you guys became a team yeah you know um so can we talk about motherhood now this is where it rips the relationship apart you're a relationship expert i would have said to you that mine and jacob's relationship was perfect i'd argue till i was blue in the face that our relationship was perfect until we had a child and you'd think we didn't have a child till six years into the relationship so we knew each other pretty well we'd live with each other all that time but when you have a child all of a sudden parts of you and parts of him that have never been seen before never been shown start to creep out and it's like whoa hang on a second this isn't what I thought you were and I thought you had more patience than this and him being the patient person that he was he started to be a bit more snappy when Alpha Jax was a newborn and I was like whoa you've changed I started to be a bit more relaxed I was the snappy one and I wasn't used to seeing it in him and honestly that first year was really tough really really tough because we had a difficult baby whinged all the time and nothing could make him happy and bear in mind jacob wasn't playing football because he was injured so he had no outlet me and him work from home so we're stuck together all day yes we have no help from family and friends and he's not at nursery so it's us the baby business no one else and that's it and when you think back to some of the more trying moments what were those I think it's just the tiredness the lack of sleep the point scoring it's always who's done more who's got up who's more tired and that goes on for like such a long time we were bickering all the time and like he was raising his voice and he never raised his voice and I'm shouting and he's matching my energy and I'm like oh I'm not used to this like this isn't this isn't right and I genuinely must have googled that first year am I too late to have postpartum depression like so many times because I heard that you had postpartum depression like in the early days and I was like I genuinely feel depressed it feels like groundhog day and I don't know how we're ever going to get out of this we went from being attached to each other's bodies all day and like being so cuddly and affectionate I used to call him baby and then it was like oh I can't even I feel like I can't even call you these words anymore these like little things that we used to do just felt weird to do and I was like oh my god I just don't know if we're ever going to be able to get back to how we were we did eventually you did but but but you felt so you felt that way how do you believe he felt during that time oh god I think he was really struggling just through not having an outlet men need an outlet men need men to speak to at points and he just didn't have that um didn't have his family there we didn't have any support and I think he was just like what have we got ourselves into it was just really hard like we were ready to have kids but no one can prepare you for the huge life change that it is to have a child when you've been on your own for so long and when all of a sudden everything is about this child and not about you and I think he felt quite um probably rejected and lonely at that point as well because all my energy was going to like loving alpha jacks and I was struggling to split my love.

53:08I felt like I had no affection left for him by the end of the day. So there was none for that whole first year. We just were not affectionate at all. And it was like, oh, God, I hope we can actually come out of this. And thankfully we did. Were there moments in that first year that you thought you may not come out of this? Honestly, like I hate to admit it, but yeah, I thought if we don't get out of this, we're going to end up splitting up. and that is the I chose a very good man for my child I was I made sure of it after everything that I went through of not having a father in my life I wanted to make damn sure that the man that I chose was going to be a fucking incredible father and if I don't do anything else in this life I know I chose a great father for my son but I wanted us to be together as a family and I feel like there was points in that where I was like oh my god we're married what happened I was thinking about what happens if we divorce who gets what do I live in the house where does he go like if he has the child when do I have the child I did think about all those things and I hate to admit that I did think those um and I'm glad that it didn't come to that but I can see why a lot of relationships fail in that first year yes after having a baby I feel like that is a fact isn't it oh it is it is I mean you're speaking all facts yeah quite honestly even that note about women knowing that they start to get over their breakup before.

54:28I was like, wow, she's on top of it. That could be a relationship. I'll be on celebscored dating next time. I'll be an expert. Pull up a chair, Holly. Pull up a chair. But absolutely, you see a large breakup rate. You see a heavy dissatisfaction rate in the relationship. And you're right. You're trying to split times. You're tired. Resources drain. You also mentioned a factor that ends up being one of the largest reasons why people break up. And that is that you don't have the support of your family and friends. 100%. So it sounds like you both didn't have community. We didn't have that village that everyone speaks about.

55:05It's our fault because we chose, you know, he lived in Nuneaton, I lived in Middlesbrough. We met in the middle, which is Manchester. And once we had nursery, we were able to get back into work, get our time back. But honestly, it took two years. What was the pivotal thing to happen to put you two back on course to be together stronger? I think as Alpha Jack started getting older and speaking and started to get a lot easier and started to actually give us back a lot, like in terms of lovingness and like just being what you expect a child to be. I know this is a weird thing to say, but it's like we felt robbed of the experience of the stage that everyone's like, oh, we love the six month old.

55:51Take them on holiday. They're amazing. I was moaned the whole time and screamed the plane down like we didn't have that experience. So when we actually started getting this amazing experience when he turned two, which is meant to be the terrible twos. I mean, there probably could be if you had an easy baby, but we our perspective of it is that it's amazing right now. and I think once he hit kind of 18 months to two years it started just we had more time together we started prioritizing each other a bit more we started making a point of saying I love you when I leave the house which we'd stop doing there you go but you have to make an actual point of doing this and not just let it slide and actually have the conversations about it because I was like we've stopped saying love you and when we leave the house now do you think we should start saying it again and it's just this awkward conversation that you probably need a therapist for to tell you like maybe you should start doing that again um and I think we've been quite good at communicating our needs and and what we do need he wasn't getting the intimacy that he wanted I as a woman my hormones are just that part of me I wish I could have a bit of that hypersexual girl back again because it Jacob would be pleased but for me I'm just like I couldn't think of anything worse like I just got so much stress on but we did come to an agreement and it's like from what I've read a lot of women need to kind of get into it to then be like at the end oh that was actually great why don't we do that more often but it's that saying yes to it that's painful and you're like oh I really don't want to but once you actually do and you just make a point of doing that you then have that intimacy again and it is great but you do have to make time for that and unfortunately it is unsexy to have to schedule time in your diary but as a parent and business honor you have to do that so wednesdays are great can i say can i say in that book behind you that i wrote called keep love i have a full chapter on scheduling sex really and this there's the there's a prevailing myth that scheduling sex is the least sexy thing that you can do yeah but yet Couples who schedule sex end up having higher satisfaction and you just succinctly describe the reason why.

58:02100%. Yeah. And then also I think what was happening between the two of you is that as you become emotionally closer, then there's a higher desire to want to even have any kind of physical connection with your partner. 100%. Yeah. Now, would you say that you land in a place where you're stronger than where you began with your marriage? 100%. and I think because you know in those early days you haven't gone through too much we've gone through so much now that it's like if we can get through that we can get through anything and I strongly believe now like yes we're going to have another baby yes it's going to be difficult but I know the things that we need to do now to make sure that we don't let it slip as much as we did last time and also I know that I'm not going to have the thoughts of are we going to split up because we've done it before we've got through it and if we've got through that first time of course we can get through it again and I used to say like oh relationships are dead easy like when when they're meant to be once you have a child they're not and you do have to fight to stay in them and you do have to do certain things and compromise and I think it is all about compromise in a relationship and just knowing that it does feel tough sometimes and it does feel crap to compromise on things you don't want to compromise on and especially when I think I'm in the right all the time and he lets me get away with it a lot but it's just you know now I don't ever think we will ever split up I know we'll be able to get through everything I have something really exciting to share with you today Paul yes okay cameras over here I know but this is just this This is the gift that you gave me, right?

59:44You and the team. This is my Carver Matt aura frame from our sponsor. And I love it. I can't help but look at it. I mean, it has thousands of photos, thousands of videos of all of my most fond memories. I've actually been loving it. Maybe a little too much. And I think our audience would love it too. That's so true. And there's a special deal that we have on right now. you can get 35 pounds off your Carver Matt Aura Frames simply by going to AuraFrames.co.uk and you use the code PAUL at checkout. That is A-U-R-A frames.co.uk. Terms and conditions apply. This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

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1:01:11Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, Limu? Is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera! They see us! Only pay for what you need at LibertyMutual.com. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Savings vary. underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates excludes Massachusetts. How is your relationship with social media today? Because it's interesting. You went from a place of basically you wanted to be. Oh, wanted everything. You wanted it all. You wanted the fame. So you definitely wanted a massive social media following. I was looking at the numbers and I was like, oh my gosh, Holly's out here.

1:01:50Four million people follow you on Instagram, half a million on TikTok, basically a million on Facebook over a million on on X so you're widely followed I see that many of the things that you do makes the news makes the press annoyingly if you sneeze it's in the news it's it's it's that I had a club I like club biscuits a bit too much and they said Holly Hagen's battling a 33 year addiction that was the headline oh really it was club biscuits Club biscuits. Yeah. See, look at this. So the attention is on you. Yeah. How do you manage your, and let's look at, you know, motherhood and your marriage.

1:02:30How do you manage that now, not wanting the attention? it's really hard because to get the brand deals and to get you know work you do have to be out there as a public figure so my aim is eventually to just have my business take off and be super successful and to not have to rely on you know kind of social media for that it's only really been in the past year that I've really started to open up again a little bit more in the beginning I didn't share my son on social media I was just really scared about like trolls and things and you know I've slowly got over that and I was just like now I do share him a little bit on social media and I'm happy with that and comfortable but it's hard like you know you don't know who's out there and you don't know what people are going to say and what affects me is that when I get one bad comment in like a hundred George.

1:03:20my whole day is ruined because now I'm like arguing back with this comment especially if it's something to do with my business that's untrue or about me being unqualified or about me being misleading I then feel like I have to argue my case because that's a public comment I don't want to delete the comment you have your right to an opinion but it doesn't mean your opinion is fact and then I feel like I have to spend the entire day defending myself yeah so it still gets to you negative comments oh 100 % I'd be lying if I said that it didn't 100 % I'm still everyone's like oh just ignore it and it's like I can't yeah do you look for them I don't tend to look for them although I am in reddit threads so you would say that I probably do but the reddit threads are actually quite nice nowadays which is nice since it's like an anonymous place to be um they are actually like pretty nice now to be honest um I don't tend to go looking for hate I don't go on that title life where you know that is a hate site I've never been on there I've never searched my name um I do look in the comments on the Daily Mail sometimes.

1:04:25Do you? Yeah. Do you? I want to really punch myself in the gut that day. Yeah, then you do. And I do. And it's like, you know, I was scared of coming on here today because none of my clothes fit me. It's the first time I'm being away from home since we've had something quite traumatic happen. And I haven't got a lot of makeup on. My skin's spotty and I'm just like, my hair extensions are falling out. And I'm like, I'm going to someone's going to pick up on something and they're going to say that I look awful or whatever. And I was like, do you know what? My words are more important than how I look.

1:04:57And me being here and speaking to you, like I am so grateful to be able to do that and how I look is and should be the least important thing about me. But unfortunately, as a woman, it does get picked up on quite a lot. Yeah. Well, I think it's important for everyone to know this from my perspective. This is the first time we've met. I think you look fabulous. Thank you. I'm not just saying that. I think you do. And I think it's one of those where I was so excited to talk to you for so many reasons. And I'm getting so much clarity on who you are, you know, and what your belief system is and what you value.

1:05:33And I can see that you stand for truth and that you have what you've done is you've now created a village of people around you who love and adore you. and on that note I have a surprise for you oh god go on what is it I'm a bit scared I would love for you to read this that's posh writing isn't it that is it's posh paper it's expensive this isn't it it is it is okay my amazing friend slash sister Holly Hager only we can understand the memories made and the life we had over these crazy 16 years i know your journey was never the easiest or simplest but you've navigated your journey like no other could your early days of geordie shore were tough but we always had each other's back and support we are a sisterhood no no others could be we have guided and been there for one another on all paths of life through loss heartbreak love and motherhood you've shown not only yourself but the whole nation how a girl who was so misunderstood can be exactly who she wants to be oh god why'd you do this to me beautiful letter and that my darling you have you have grown into the most loyal loving witty yet beautiful person i have ever met you make me proud to call you a friend a sister and an amazing therapist who always gives me the best advice because of course you're always right i did tell you that earlier in this you carry yourself with dignity and grace and the way you've fallen into being the best mother and loving wife with your beautiful family this year hasn't been the easiest

1:07:22this year hasn't been the easiest I know but again the way you show up and put a brave face on for your family oh god Sophie and take on the world when I know you're hurting inside too although I never thought it was possible it has made you look up to me even more I'm glad I wore my waterproof mascara to my beautiful girl inside and out thank you thank you for being the kindest human and showing me what true friendship is never stop being Holly Hagen as we know she is a true iconic queen Sophie that was a lot I didn't know you were gonna do that to me can I say a one is and I'll hold that and I'll make sure that I give that to you thank you so that's from Sophie it is what do you think about that letter oh honestly like I just would not be where I am today without those girls like if I didn't form that friendship in that shore I wouldn't have been able to get through it and I would have left there was so many times I wouldn't have come back but every single time I came back and I think they'll probably say the same as well every single time we made that decision to come back even if we didn't want to we did it for each other and we did it because we knew that when we went in that house we would have each other and honestly out of all of the friendships that you see on tv I genuinely believe ours is the most genuine and the most strong and I'm so grateful to have it yeah I could see it and and and I think that this letter speaks to every bit of you absolutely that I've seen uh show up yeah you It's almost like you were a budding butterfly at 18, but you didn't yet have your wings.

1:09:03Yeah. And you have your wings now. I do. And I think what happens in life is that we are tested. Yeah. And pressure is applied to us. And I think it's so interesting when you look at your life is that as you've matured, the tests became harder. Yeah. And harder and harder. and you've reached a point now where this point in your life is you've probably been tested more than at any point yeah in your life can we talk about your sister we can okay tell me about first growing up okay so we have a big age gap so i never really got that like sisterly-ness that you get from having like a close sibling we didn't get raised as sisters we were I was more like her auntie I would say in a way because I just had it was kind of like I was my mom's sister and I was like an extra mother to her yes yes so and also I would imagine you're 13 when she was born yeah but then just a few years later you're on I'm on Geordie Shore so I'm actually only living at home um I moved out when she was nine wow well and I was on Jordi Shaw from when she was five obviously I'd buy her everything she ever wanted and that's what I was I was I was the money the clothes and because I lived away as well it was difficult like I didn't get to see her very often but as soon as she turned 16 I was like this is my time now she's she's getting to the age where she's gonna think I'm like cool and she wants to like speak to me and hang out with me so as soon as she turned 16 like I started reaching out and asking her about boys and she started messaging me about like boys and girls and you know the experiences that she was having and she would come to me a hell of a lot with certain things that she couldn't tell my mom and i kept every single one of her secrets and i always will wow so it's almost like she had two moms in a way she had a cool mom and then she had a real mom yeah yeah which i which i would imagine was such a blessing for her i hope so you know to to have yeah and um as she got older before she went to secondary school my mom did sit her down and say like look dassey this is what holly does this is the things that the girls at school might say to you and they did um this is just what you need to be aware of so she didn't actually she lived with it and still wasn't aware of it until she was like 11 until we made her aware of it interesting she'd never watched the show and then it got to the point of her leaving secondary school and it was like right now i need to have the conversations that you have before they start going out on nights out and we live in an area that is very common to take drugs on a night out so as soon as she turned 16 I had the conversation with her because honestly in our area it is more uncommon to find someone who hasn't took a drug than it would be to find someone who has wow and what age would you say kids are beginning to to take 17 18 okay yeah and also too is when we talk about drugs i think what's what people often confuse is that the types of drugs that we are using as a society over the years are changing drastically 100 percent um so you had this conversation with her and what's her response she's just like yeah don't be don't be stupid i'm not i'm not even i'm not even thinking about anything like that at this age because she was 16 at the time as she did get older she did start letting me know when she'd had experiences with certain things and my mum had let me know once that she had taken an amount of a pill I'm not sure and she had a bit of a bad experience on it they rang an ambulance and it wasn't a good time but she was okay and I just want it to be known as well like we're not ashamed of her and we're not ashamed of the choice that she made because so many people do it this night she was going to warehouse project in Manchester which she loved she was going with her best friend who she's been best friends with since she was six years old and my stepdad the man that he is drove her from Middlesbrough to Manchester because that's the type of dad that he is and he wanted to see my son as well because my son Alpha Jax is obsessed with his granddad John for some reason that night and I don't know why I didn't and I wish I'd have messaged her because I know what Warehouse Project is and I just don't know why I didn't think to message her and say what are you doing tonight tell me what you're guide you because for some reason this night she decided to order not a pill but powdered mdma and as far as me speaking to her friends everyone she knows this is the first time she'd ever taken that okay so she'd went out this night and she had had like one alcoholic drink and then from what her friend said she poured an amount from the bag into her drink now that to me rings a red flag anyway because it's like you've poured it you poured crystals into your drink so we have no idea how much and obviously it was too much so she's poured an amount into a drink and she's dancing she's okay but then she throws off so she's threw up in the crowd and at this point she's like shaking a guy that she's seeing's there so he takes her outside with his friend and they sit outside with her they get two bottles of fresh water she throws her drink away the rest of it she's apologizing because she's worried that she's ruined everyone's night and they're like don't be daft it's fine it happens and they wait with her until she feels okay again and she does she makes a few dancing videos apparently she brushes her hair and she's okay and I've heard from the guy that she was seeing that he made sure that she was okay before you let her kind of go back into the crowd again she starts getting really paranoid so she's not recognising people she's screaming as if she's being attacked and the next thing you know she has collapsed at the bar there was 11 medical staff and two ambulances there waiting for her and they were with her within a minute so they did absolutely everything they could so her best friend has gone outside he has got the paramedics she's gone into cardiac arrest they've got her back within a minute got her straight in the ambulance and on the way to Manchester Royal infirmary she was there probably less than seven minutes like very quick she went into cardiac arrest again in A &E but they got her back with chest compressions and then at that point obviously they're realizing her temperature's sky high her muscle muscles are all spasming which releases potassium sodium all of the stuff her kidneys are being poisoned so all of that stuff's happening behind the scenes while they're just trying to keep her alive so they've cooled her they put her on dialysis she's got all the tubes and obviously at this point I don't know any of this so I'm at home in bed my phone's on silent my poor mother gets a phone call at two o 'clock in the morning you need to get to Manchester Royal Infirmary now she doesn't drive she has to get a taxi on her own none of us are answering our phones because they're on silent my stepdad's phone's dead and I eventually wake up to my stepdad knocking on my bedroom door and I thought oh my son must be awake and we've not heard him I check my phone I've got a million missed calls and my heart just drops I've got missed calls from the ambulance I've got texts from the ambulance I've got messages from my mom that I'm in my pajamas we jump in the car and we drive half an hour so I walk in I said you let me walk in first I'll let you know if if it's okay for you to come in oh wow you told this too to your parents yeah I said let me go first and I can let you know what can you let them know it's going to be the most traumatic thing they've ever seen in their life so I walk in and this is the first time that I let myself break because I was like oh my fucking god she had tubes hooked up everywhere it was honestly the most the scariest thing I've ever seen in my whole life hours and hours pass and god it gets to like 9 9 p.m that evening and we get took into a room

1:17:26and you can just see by their faces and he's like the the swelling in her brain is so severe we've never seen anyone come back from this and I said can you get a second opinion like I'm the one with the questions so you've got my mom screaming in the way that you would imagine a mother be screaming you'll have seen it on tv like it's the same it's so traumatic my stepdad's silent as men usually do and I'm asking all the questions and honestly Paul I hate to say that I'm kind of glad that it was so final because if there was degrees of brain damage and she would have had a terrible quality of life because of it my parents wouldn't have coped at that point that meant ringing around all the family and I'm talking family members who we out with family members who we haven't seen in 10 years all of them made the journey two hours in the dark to the hospital and we filled that relative's room at two o 'clock in the morning even in that moment i would imagine you're making calls you're yeah yeah i'm doing tours two at the time to our bedside being like right who's next like i'm just it feels so surreal to to even understand and comprehend what I was doing but just being like right who's next who wants to come next sitting our friends down grabbing our hand making her hold the hand saying you can stroke her hair tell her what you need to tell her and then leave the room and get the next person and I feel like that's the only way that I could cope at the time it was the only control that I had but the screams of my mother in that hospital I don't think I'll ever be able to wipe from my brain i had a conversation with the transplant nurse and they started to look at whether she would be able to but they had to keep us stable there was so many things that could happen and we eventually we decided to go ahead and see if there was anything that you know could possibly help someone else we were going to do that that that conversation is a conversation that is this whole ordeal is incredibly challenging.

1:19:46But then to have that particular conversation is one that is incredibly challenging. And we had Sam Vanderpump on talking about organ donation. And what I didn't realize was how few people, or I guess it's an opt-out system here in the UK. So most of the time, family members will opt their loved one out. Yes. I'll be really honest. it was a selfish decision we wanted her life to mean something we wanted to be able to say that she'd saved her life like that was for us that was to give us peace a lot of people like oh you're so selfless and brave we weren't we wanted her to have achieved this and for us to feel better because of it we found out by letter three weeks later that she did save her life and that she saved the life of a woman and it was just such an honour to have been able to be a part of that as awful as the situation was I'm so proud of her and she's achieved more in her short 19 years than many others will achieve and I'm so happy that you know the day that that woman got that call will have been the happiest day of her life and it was the worst day of ours but something good came of it and someone's children didn't have to lose their parent because of Darcy yes and you want to know the weirdest thing Darcy had a tattoo under her ribs here so on her heart and it said live where your heart finds life and that's such a strange tattoo for a 19 year old to get live where your heart finds life and that was the only organ that she was able to donate and now hopefully is she is living where our heart has found life wow that gives me chills oh wow honestly there's so many chills things I could tell you that have happened since like her passing I think it's been so difficult to comprehend death and I feel like it is isn't it for as human beings we find it so difficult to comprehend that people have gone and that they're not here yes and I think that maybe the reason that we feel that is because they're not gone that they are around we just can't see them because otherwise surely we'd be able to fathom it a bit more in our many years of evolution surely we'd be able to just accept death and it would be like an easy thing for us but I cannot accept that she's gone and maybe that is because she isn't and so many things have happened that have literally shown like spooky things it's like oh my god like I genuinely think she's still she's still around she's still somewhere yes and And the fact, though, that we can't argue that her heart is beating in this moment.

1:22:39I know. But I just want people to know, like, you know, you might have taken drugs in the past. You might have been sensible. She was not reckless. She just made a silly mistake. She poured an amount into her drink in a dark nightclub. And none of us, we haven't got the toxicology back. So listen, we don't know if it had anything else in it right now. It could have. We also don't know if there's a possibility someone put something in a drink. Yes. But I'm not going to sit here and work with facts that I don't know. You know, there's some statistics that I have here that I was not aware of. And this one may surprise you as well, is when you look at drug poisoning in particular, the stats are startling.

1:23:28So four in 10 Britons say they have taken recreational drugs. From 1998 to 2018, there was a 441 % increase in deaths from MDMA, right, ecstasy in England and Wales. And then this one blew me away. The number of people in the UK who die from drug poisoning has increased by 91 % in the last 30 years. Jesus. So it's at a place where many people would say it's epidemic levels. So when you reflect back, what advice do you have having had this experience with your sister? What advice do you have to, you know, the young teens, young adults? It's really, really difficult to give advice. Obviously, I would say don't take drugs.

1:24:26But I think drugs, from what you said there, it seems that drugs are getting stronger. They're more potent.

1:24:35And I can't even say go out and be sensible with them. Because for every person that I spoke to, all of her friends, she was. She was as sensible as she could be. But just know that every time you are taking a drug, you are risking your life. And that isn't a lie. It isn't blowing things out of proportion. and yes it is you know maybe one in 10 or 20 ,000 I'm not sure on the actual numbers I was obviously on chat GPT trying to work all that out but you are playing with fire every single time and it is not worth it you do not want to have to put your family and friends through what we went through because it affects so many people my parents are out of work now this they're worried about when they have to go back they're trying to figure out what they're going to do the the house that they once lived in that was busy and messy is silent and I promise you it is not worth it for that slight high that you're gonna get and you know people still won't listen people will still go out and they'll still do it but if it's happened to me it can happen to anyone if it's happened to my family it can happen to anyone I found out I was pregnant that was my last message to her and she was so excited and on the way down in the car she was like if it's a girl it's going to be my best friend because alpha jacks is obsessed with granddad john that's her dad and she was like if this is a girl this one's going to be my best friend and i'm going to be the best auntie she's alpha jacks is her screensaver on her phone like she was the best auntie and she was honestly the funniest best girl she was such a good friend and yes she may have been slightly naive but what a 19 year old isn't and it does make me feel guilty for getting everything I ever dreamed of and she didn't even get a bloody chance to go and pass a driving test she passed her theory though which she was so proud of and honestly all she wanted in life was to get a little car go to Starbucks get a matcha latte and just sing her songs in a car she wanted to get her teeth done and she wanted to go on love island so my mom said to me she went I hope she's finding and Caroline up there and they're making their own little love island and she really believes that she will she said she'll hunt her down when I talk to people who have not lost someone there almost seems to be this ignorance there is on the appreciation of life and not until you lose someone close do you just realize how precious life is and the decisions that you then make subsequently become different.

1:27:13And it's so different to losing like a grandparent because, you know, I hate to compare grief, but all types of grief are different for different people. Yes. And I think, you know, my nana's got stage four lung cancer. She is my nana. You know, one day she is going to pass. And the grief that I'll have for her is like, oh, I'm so sad for the memories and I miss her so much. But the grief that I have for my sister is guilt that she didn't get to live the life it is sadness at the way that she died and we weren't there it's all these different things of like and it just hits you every now and again like oh my god my sister's dead and that's the first time I've ever experienced loss every single day now I'm just so grateful because life is not promised and sometimes I don't know if I'm being strong or if I'm pretending to be strong it's that same feeling that I had in the beginning of Geordie Shaw I'm like am I actually a strong person or am I just pretending like am I masking or am I not like I struggle with it a little bit sometimes but actually I do think I'm strong I do think I'm a strong person and I do think if we can get through this we can get through absolutely anything because touch wood i won't go through anything this traumatic for a while hopefully the universe will give me a few years of like respite from it but it's just been horrific and now it's just watching my parents i think that's the hardest part journaling yes journaling has proven itself to be one of the most therapeutic um strategies if you will to helping to heal from traumatic experiences like the loss of a loved one.

1:28:59And that will also help in you not forgetting. A hundred percent. Right. You will be able to actually chronicle all of these memories, all these moments. And what I find to be really interesting about you is, is that you, uh, you should not doubt for one second that you are not strong. You should, you should never, ever, ever, ever doubt that because of the way that you've showed up in this moment. I think this is exactly what life does. is life, I think, doesn't deliver us things unless we can bear the things. Yeah. That's my opinion. Yeah. You would not have been able to bear this five years ago.

1:29:41No. Six, seven, eight, ten years ago. No. You wouldn't have been able to... You were able to show up in such a loving way to your parents, to your extended family, but also to your sister. Yeah. And you should be proud of that. You should give yourself grace. You should also know that healing is a continuum. It doesn't just, you don't just wake up three months from now and you're healed. I know, I wish I could. It doesn't happen often here on this pod. I talk about my best friend who passed away in 2017. I'm still navigating it today, reflecting on everything that you now have learned in life.

1:30:25How do you believe the new Holly as mom is going to show up? What is a new mom? How different will new mom be? I think for me, it's just about being a lot more relaxed and actually taken in the moments because it's so easy to just get lost in like the pressure of it all and the stress of it all. And it is hard work raising kids. Like it's not easy, but it's just finding those small moments to like cherish and hold on to and knowing that life isn't promised and that I can't just be like, oh, when you get to this age, because something might happen, God forbid. But I think now that I know that life is so precious, it's just about making the most of every minute.

1:31:05And whether that's us just sat on the sofa watching telly all day and cuddling, or whether that's us out and about doing things or flying on holiday, it doesn't really matter what it is as long as we're having that connection. All right, if you've made it this far, I know you're loving the conversation. So please do me one small favor. Hit that bell icon. Join our community. Thank you. Series one, Holly, on Geordie Shore. You want to be famous. Yeah. You want to be Katie Price. Yeah. In not only in attention, but in body. Yeah. So in terms of body image, what would you say your body image was at that time before Geordie Shore?

1:31:44Okay. So now we're getting into the surgeries. so I got a boob job the second I turned 18 I was in that office signing on the dotted line crying to my mom saying you need to be a guarantor for this loan because they won't give me a loan and I would imagine this is the first loan you've ever had in your life had in my life yeah it's for it's for boobs because I was desperate and I just said put the biggest you can put in me and we'll go with that didn't research it didn't know who the surgeon was really but I did get it done in the UK and it was from a reputable company also I thought so yeah body image not great I thought if I have these big boobs I'm gonna get so much more attention I'm gonna love the attention it's gonna make me look better because I was quite flat-chested at the time I didn't realize as well obviously when you get big boobs you look a bit bigger that's just a natural thing you're making something bigger you're gonna look bigger and I wasn't a super slim girl at the time neither I would always get called fat slag whatever but I thought at least I could have boobs and look great and they did look great for about two weeks until they dropped and my nipples were pointing to the floor and then I was just like oh I'm gonna have to get these done again now because they just don't look great and this is the terrible cycle of surgery that once you start you are never going to be able to stop so within two weeks of having that surgery you were thinking of another I was literally like I mean I'm probably being a bit dramatic with two weeks but let's say a couple a month um yeah within a couple of months once it settled and dropped and gone into position because i was like losing and gaining weight all the time and they were over the muscle it just didn't have that support for them so you've got this really heavy implant just essentially in skin so gravity is going to take hold at some point and i was just like oh they really don't look great and then it's like i'm not going to be able to afford another boob job so i'm just going to have to deal with them so again what i thought was going to solve my body image made it worse and what size because the size was is it a ff i went to a double f yeah yeah i've never heard of a ff i mean katie will be a lot bigger she'll be off the richter scale but yeah i was i was a double f at the time um and i just i loved it i thought i've got double f boobs all the boys are gonna fancy me yeah i mean double f is that's that's something i know that's something so did all the boys fancy you oh not really I mean they all wanted to have a touch of them but I certainly don't think that that meant that they fancied me but I did get a lot of attention from it and I did enjoy that attention at the time I thought that was the attention that I wanted and at the time I did enjoy that because that was what I was looking for from them and you know obviously I'd go home and like cry that nobody actually wanted to be with me but they they did give me attention when we were out they did want to have a kiss in the club and all that kind of stuff but no one actually ever wanted to be with me properly and I think that's what I wanted interesting how does that how do you reconcile that you know because it's interesting is that you have already described a life up until 18 where you're anxious yeah where you want not just attention you want to feel safe you want to feel yeah i think that was definitely what i wanted like behind the scenes absolutely you wanted that and then i went on to have multiple surgeries like i then obviously got money when i went in geordie shore and you know first series we didn't get paid so we did that for kebabs and jager bombs which was fine at the time um but after that from like series three we started getting paid and it's like oh i've got money i can get surgeries like turkey's so cheap all of these things and that's when it started to kind of snowball a bit more so i did get the boobs done again i went i think i went bigger i think i went even bigger you went bigger than double f i think double f actually was probably the biggest i was i think at that point i was maybe like i completely i've got double f no i had double f's then so i think what i did actually was i got them under the muscle so i got the implants replaced got them put under the muscle and then i had another surgery later on to uplift the skin because you wanted to do it in two stages and the second implants because they were under the muscle it still made me the same size but it just meant rather than starting at a natural place they were basically up to my collarbone wow so they were just like really big but like a bit flatter and up to like they covered a larger surface area if that makes sense okay okay so so you had So how many breast enlargement reduction procedures have you had in total?

1:36:18I then went for the second one when I was maybe 20. Then I got to an age where I was like, I don't like this attention. It's negative attention. I don't like the way that I look. This isn't me. So I went and had a reduction. I believe it was 2017. Went down to like a DDD and also had another uplift with that as well. and now I want to go after I've given birth I'm going to go and get them out fully fully fully because it's just not me and that's not even touching on the BBLs like we've got more to talk about with the surgery so so there's there's BBLs in there there's BBL plural BBLs plural but it just goes to shore when women are going and getting these surgeries very young and they're saving up all of their money that one surgery you might need correcting and again and again and you might not be happy and that is why I advise anyone to just not do it I mean boobs is a little bit different you can't grow your boobs but you can grow your glutes and obviously now being in fitness I know how to do all that I didn't know back then I just wanted the easy way out I wanted to look like a Kardashian I wanted to be desired and I thought that was the way to do it so yeah I've spent more than a house deposit to be able to look like a bag of jelly.

1:37:38In total, Holly, truly, how much do you think you've spent? Well, have you got to calculate it? Because that's probably like 24, 34, 38, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 56, 56. Oh God, I want to say near enough, 60, 70 ,000. 60, 70 ,000 pounds. And now I want a factory reset. Look at that. And then also not only the 60 ,000 to 70 ,000 pounds, but also the danger, right? Oh, God. So I didn't realize this, but BBLs carry the highest risk of all cosmetic surgeries. More than one death occurs per 4 ,000 procedures. Yeah. Also, in 2022, breast enlargement surgeries were the most popular type of cosmetic surgery in the UK.

1:38:27Mm-hmm. Also, a survey found that only 19 % of women in the UK were satisfied with their body image compared to 26 % of women who felt disgusted because of their body image. That's really interesting. So today, where do you stand on cosmetic surgery? Listen, I had my eyelids chopped off not so long ago last year, so I'm still getting things done. do you know what I mean and I will still get surgeries as I get older I want a facelift when I'm like you know when I need one I will still do things like that I'm not against surgery I'm really not um it's this weird line that it's like I don't really know where I sit on the kind of spectrum because I'm very much like I regret my BBL so much and it was so dangerous and I can't believe I ever risked my life in that way but not only that I spent the amount of money that really like could have paid off my parents mortgage like that makes me feel ashamed and a bit sick that I ever did that and you know I feel like now I want to get the boobs taken out I want to get the BBL removed as much as possible but again they all come with risks and I'm about to have two children and I went and had a conversation with my surgeon who the one who corrected me who I was happy with after and I was like listen like tell me what the risks are because if it's any higher than a boob job I don't want to do it because there is an artery that runs in the buttock that is the dangerous thing if anything happens to that you are dead in an instant there's nothing that can they can do um so I spoke to him and he was like listen we use ultrasound we can see where everything is like with me your risk because it's not a BBL because it's just removing that fat it's not actually putting the fat in the risk is a lot lower but there's still a risk there's a risk with every surgery there's there's a risk with every general general anesthetic but for me to actually be happy in my body I have to maintain quite a low body weight and I get to a point I'm like I'm happy at this point but I can't maintain that and I don't want to do the skinny jabs and I don't want to have to do all of that kind of stuff because somebody who is you know at the weight that I need to be which is like nine and a half stone that's not somebody who needs to be taking in a skinny pen but it's like how the hell do i maintain that long term and actually live a healthy sustainable life in the fitness realm that i live in right because as soon as i start gaining that weight it goes straight to my bum and hips and it makes me look silly and it's not my natural body shape and you can tell that and it's very bloody obvious and now that i'm pregnant this is my most kind of insecure time when i was last pregnant i got trolled so much for the size of my bum and I'd just wear like big baggy shirts to cover it up and it's like yes I do want to get to a point where I've had it taken out and I feel amazing and the boobs are out and I'm just back to normal or do I just live with the consequences of my actions what do you do and also too is I could see that you're reconciling now as a mom now as a wife yeah that it's not just just you putting yourself at risk yeah 100 but i also want to look in the mirror and feel good and not feel like i'm looking at the mistake that i made in my past constantly every single day and is that how you feel that's how i feel i mean i can't even barely look in the mirror now because i'm just like i just feel disgusted with it i think that we sometimes don't realize how much power and influence that public figures have.

1:42:08I know. Because even in this story, you know, we started with Katie Price. That's who you wanted to be. Then you wanted to be the Kardashians, right? Because they were more in vogue, more popular. And I would imagine that what ends up happening to so many, in particular, young women, is you'll see that Instagram photo or that TikTok photo and say, I want to look like that. And that's the issue because you don't look like your Instagram pictures. like if I was posting a picture especially when it looked really bad people could tell I had a BBL but I'm posing at the right angles with the right outfit on if they'd have seen me naked at that point they would not want to book for a surgery but I have to live with the fact that people have seen my journey and potentially gone and booked a surgery because of me like I have to live with that for the rest of my life and the way that I try and make up for that now is by being in the fitness industry is by putting the right message out there I've promoted all the shit I've done the skinny coffees, the teas, the booties, everything that people told me could make me lose weight.

1:43:08I've done them. I've promoted them. And there was simple lack of education was the reason that I did that because I'm not being funny. If they're being sold in Holland and Barrett, how can they not work? Like that was my thought process. And it's only as I got older that I was like, oh, so I was losing water weight, literally just water. It's not fat at all. Because now that I know more of your story, now I can see how you've ended up in this business. So what is the business and why is it so important to you? Okay. So long story short, I found a trainer back in 2019 and I was just training for my wedding.

1:43:42And he honestly taught me like just the simple science of everything, which is all it is. Doesn't mean it's easy, but it is simple. and once I knew that I was like god all of my years of diet culture surgery might not have happened if I'd have just met him at that time then did um nervous system regulation which honestly that's the one this I genuinely believe without me doing that course I did it for the fat loss aspect because I couldn't stay out of the fridge couldn't stop eating biscuits that was regulating me the crunch very regulating to me yes um if i didn't have that i don't know if i would have got through the last month of my life because i used those techniques in every aspect of what was going on with everything and it's not just for fat loss it is for life it is to not be as reactive with your children it's to not be as reactive with your partner it's also when you can't get out of bed and you feel really depressed like going from the opposite ends of the scale and going from you know fight and freeze yes going through those different motions and never actually being in that window of regulation and having more um just more patience yes and using the breathwork techniques to be able to do that and it sounds stupid you know breathwork whatever and i thought it was but honestly i wouldn't have got through the last month without that i utterly agree breath work emotional regulation is is some of the smartest work that we can do for ourselves it's the hidden secret it is and it's like all of these people that i coach and they're like i've never been able to stick at anything i just feel like it's so hard probably dysregulated yes more than likely you're a mother you're stressed you are working as well you've got you being the default parent you're trying to remember your kid's sports day you're trying to remember PE kit you've got gymnastics club you've got to put food on the table what we have in fatigue like all of these things busy busy busy busy busy all the time your mind does not get a chance to shut off and actually breathe so at the moment I'm creating a program which is called team fitty mama and it basically I've done like a little beta test last year with like a group coaching program I've done the one-to-ones and it's just kind of that middle ground between um like an app just where you go and do it on your own but having access to me twice a month on group coaching calls okay and listen i'm the type of person who'll sit there for three hours until everyone's answered like i i believe it get so much i get so much energy from it i get so much gratification from it i'm in that group every day it's not some random admin it's me you i believe it you know holly i can see this is your passion you can tell i've lit up can't you ever when i speak yeah i'm like it's like because when you're talking about fame it was down here yeah but this is yeah it lights you up and i can see because of your lived experience, because you have learned and you've dedicated yourself to becoming an expert in the category, right?

1:46:40And then on top of it, you see the benefit that it has. It's life-changing. It is. I can see throughout your stories that there are moments where you became self-aware, but the actions didn't match. Yeah. But you're at a point now where you are not only self-aware, but the actions perfectly match. A hundred percent. That's the epitome of maturity. And it's, I think it's, it's so great to see you in this spot. And I know that you're going through an incredibly challenging time and your family's going through an incredibly challenging time. But I believe what is going to happen is, is that you are going to be able to create more internal happiness as you were helping others.

1:47:24Yeah. And that seems to be your plight right now through your coaching work. Yeah. Through your willingness to come here and share not only about your life, but about your sister. You know, you're doing it to help others. Yeah. And I think the reward is going to be more joy. 100 % and I think thank you for that by the way because that's a really nice view of me but yeah I love helping people and I just I want to help as many people as I possibly can not only in my coaching business but also with Darcy's story as well and I do hope that it is able to save someone from thinking twice about what they're actually doing on nights outs and things because people are reckless when we were talking about managing post death that part was very therapeutic for me as well i resonate i mean i felt like we were offset somewhere i felt like that the whole time sharing but yeah but it was one of those where i i i that was just so you know that was very helpful for me so so i appreciate you it was very the whole thing has been helpful for me I think even my mom said before I came it'll help you just being able to talk about things and you know have another person's perspective and like you say you've been through grief yourself you know that feeling this is the first time I'm experiencing it and I think you know that conversation that we've just had where we were just speaking about that grief that is just things that people have to deal with day to day and you have to carry on living and there's so much to live for and i'm so excited i've got this little baby in my stomach right now yes which is like oh god what am i like 14 weeks god my bum is just gonna get so much bigger i'm dreading it i'm so upset about it that's how we're gonna end this i'm just dreading my bum getting bigger but yeah it's um we'll deal with it at the end because i will have a regulated nervous system that's right and i won't be relying on the biscuits in the same way that i was last time That is right.

1:49:29That's the biggest takeaway. That is right. Okay, that's how we're ending this? Yeah, I guess so. After all of that, that's how we're going to end this. No, you know what we're going to do? I'm going to end it by giving you this letter. Okay, thank you. But thank you so much for letting me share my story and Darcy's, and it's been really great. Thank you. Thank you. Excellent. Loved it. Loved speaking with her. She brought so many critical topics up that we are not talking about, that we need to talk about. And so I'm grateful that she was able to come discuss this with us. Death impacts every single person in this world.

1:50:11And I remember going through life and at a certain age saying, wow, I've never, I don't know anyone who has passed away. I remember, I distinctly remember that. And now to move to a place where I know many people who have passed, how the emotions that Holly described are all accurate. The natural inclination is, let's just not talk about it. This is the one thing that we haven't figured out how to grasp. And so, yes, it deserves more conversation. We will definitely include a link in the episode description about organ donation. This is a topic now that has come up again and again on this podcast, and it's such an important one.

1:50:56To me, that's what stands out the most, is her ability to reflect and realize the lessons. That's maturity. That is really someone who has evolved, because I could tell you, I feel like I'm fairly mature, but no, I would go back and change a million things about life, and she wouldn't change a thing.

1:51:22Thank you.