He Hit Me Then Took My Car! Safiyya Vorajee Opens Up About Toxic Ex, Losing Azaylia & Truth About Relationship With Ashley Cain

43:17I need to know what's going on. Sophia had gone. That's, that's a way to describe it. Sophia had left the building. This new woman is here and we're going to war. Yes. Yeah. Yes. There's lots of studies around how trauma can tear apart a relationship, but also bring a relationship closer together. What do you think that in that moment, that trauma what was it doing to your relationship i felt like it was bringing us closer and closer and closer together i felt like i got my ride or die next to me and i got my daughter and there ain't nothing and nobody that is gonna take this away from us yes yeah yes yeah that echoes exactly what Ashley said.

44:07Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. And, and so you, you, you were this tight unit, right? This tight unit. So then what then happens? Because I know that you were able to, to actually bring, bring Azalea home. I remember Ashley saying that he was able to ring that bell. Yeah. And by the way, for everyone that doesn't know the importance of ringing the bell. Yeah. So ringing the bell is really important because it means that you have beat cancer and it's such a special moment to ring that bell to know that you have overcome to the next step. So Azalea had engrafted to a donor that she'd got and she'd been doing so well and she was literally on the road to recovery.

44:47We'd actually got home and got ready and got our clothes on and we looked fresh and smart as a family to go and ring the bell. Ten minutes before we went to ring the bell, we got told that Azalea had relapsed. and that chokes me was the most horrific news at that point for us because we had fought so hard she had fought so hard we had come together and we had you know covered the whole of the UK trying to search for a donor I'm just putting myself back in that moment and there was no words we were broken we just looked at each other and we thought we've been defeated but we had a conversation together in that room and we decided that this battle is not coming like we're not letting it win us she had engrafted she had reached 100 % donor and she did so why are we taking that away from her like we're gonna go and ring that bell because she achieved that point so we're going to go back down there and we're going to ring that bell together as a family and we're going to celebrate the milestone that she achieved and we're not going to take that away from her so we did we literally you know I have chills thinking about that 10 minute cover that must have been one of the most challenging conversations you've ever had in in that moment to decide with everything that was placed on you because you just mentioned you had scoured the UK Okay, so at that point, there were, I think, hundreds of thousands of people who had rallied behind you all in trying to identify a donor.

46:32Yeah. Right? So there was public support. Yeah, she had over 80 ,000 donors on the register in one weekend. Like, phenomenal the amount of support we've had. So what does that mean exactly, a relapse? Yeah, so it means that the cancer's starting to come back through. She got cleared first with the chemotherapy. I'm just explaining it in terms of what people could understand. So the chemotherapy just wipes out your whole body. Then you put the donor in. It then engrafts to the body. And it's like a new head gasket going into the body, basically. And the engine's starting to run again with that new donor's engine.

47:13And as it's running, they're now taking tests. Great, we beat it. We've cleared it all out. We've got the new engine in. Great. what's happened is aml leukemia which is what she had okay and aml in particular is acute myeloid leukemia okay okay it then has a funny way of seeping back through the body and overcoming the head gasket comes back in and that's what happened i see i see okay um you know what that explanation helped me yeah i didn't realize that's that's what that is yeah So also in that conversation, what are you thinking about in terms of the ongoing fight? I had a really funny way of learning how to part mentalize things at this point.

48:07And I was living in the moment for that particular time. And that's how I learned how to get through my journey. I wasn't trying to think about what was going on 10 steps ahead. I was just facing each battle and each obstacle as it come. and that's what allowed me to fight so fearlessly alongside Azalea and Ashley of just taking each moment as it comes. Okay, okay. What a bittersweet moment with Azalea ringing the bell. Yeah, I rang that bell. We went down that corridor. We had all the nurses and the doctors. Everybody was out and nobody knew this news at that point and everybody was celebrating to the point where he rang the bell and then my voice wasn't as articulate as what it is today because I just never used to know how to put such big feelings into context and Ashley ended up speaking and telling everybody what had happened um which obviously again it was bittersweet again we had to go home so yeah then feelings and emotions I don't know it's just all a blur and then it was going home and telling our family that was the hardest thing to go back and tell our family that was so excited and so proud that we're going again but we're going again okay so we're going again we're going again and that was all we knew we all we knew all we kept getting told every step of the way is we could have lost azalea in a don't having a donor transplant we could have lost azalea after a third round of chemotherapy.

49:44We could have lost Azalea so many times throughout. When my oncologist sat in front of me, she was an amazing woman, she'd sit in front of me and Ashley and tell us we could lose Azalea at this next step prior to her ringing the bell. And I used to sit in front of her and I used to say, like, no, we're not. We ain't losing Azalea. That ain't going to happen. Every time they'd say this is the percentage, I'd say it's not. It's not. this is statistic, like everything in my head was statistics. And I was thinking, I'm speaking this into existence and I kept telling my lady, my oncologist in front of me, no, no, no, she's going to engraft.

50:23So every time she'd say she might engraft or this could happen, I'd say, no, no, no, no, we need to change the language. It is going to happen. She is going to graft. Very hard to graft to a donor. And they used to tell me because she's such a small baby and they used to say, we don't know. and I'd say mark my words every time she'd leave I'd say you're going to come in tomorrow and she's going to be a hundred percent donor I'm telling you on the next results yes and for her to probably witness that as me as a mother I used to change the language and everything even still to this day of Azalea not being here I changed the language because I would speak it into existence and she did she engrafted yes you know and she did hit all of these milestones that they was even surprised they'd walk into my room and be like after this treatment azalea is not going to be able to sit up and eat you know what that did to me i thought you're telling me my daughter's not going to sit up and eat i got my mom she got me a bumbo seat put azalea in this bumbo seat to build her strength up i would take food out i'd put my finger in it and just let her taste it even if she wanted to throw it at me yes play with the food taste the food and every milestone i'd put her on her front even though she had the wires coming out of her to crawl I am going to still give you your childhood whether you've got a wire on you whether you're on chemotherapy you are still gonna have your childhood and I gather that every step of the way to give her that strength and I believe that in these hospitals they are so incredible but you end up becoming a nurse rather than a mother and I didn't want to lose that yes yes you know two two things that I'm picking up from uh what you're saying and I know this also through experience having had loved ones uh in in hospital settings is that I think language is everything I think that is profound how you uh you you basically convince them to use empowering language instead of defeating language.

52:27And I understand they're quoting on statistics and, you know, they're trying to set expectation. But what is the expectation is, is that we're going to fight again tomorrow, right? So let's use that language. I think the second thing that you did is you became an advocate for Azalea. I've noticed many times this notion of, well, defeat on the part of staff. So it's like it's inevitable this person is going to pass away or this person is going to leave um and in those moments where we've had loved ones in those those moments i distinctly remember saying no that's not going to happen it's not going to happen on our watch and we can't put ourselves in that position so what is everything that we can control let's control it and let's do the thing yeah right and it feels like that's exactly what you did use the empowering language and everything that you can control, you did.

53:22Right? So what becomes then the objective once you feel like they've given up? Yeah, the objective then was getting Azalea treatment in Singapore. Basically, Azalea had this marker on her cancer cells, which was called CD33 and CD34. We don't have that target in the UK for stem cells, very complex, but we don't have it here. And they had it in Singapore, of where he could target that specific sal. Oh, my goodness. So now where everybody's introduced in and Zaley's not even got a passport, we need to get to see the pool. She is a few months. Yeah, yeah. We needed a passport. We needed to send the blood over.

54:05We needed everything to happen. But once that surgeon said, yes, he can do that, he can treat that, that was it. It was within a heartbeat. then we needed to raise a significant amount of money so we put a gofundme out there and azalea had raised over a million pound in three hours three hours three hours that's how much everybody would behind her and that allowed us then to have that financial burden off our shoulders to go and concentrate on the things that we needed to getting ready to go to singapore then we got told after more tests because they keep testing and um i think putting it the blood in the incubator or something to keep growing okay and then we got told that it was going to relapse too much that the treatment that he had over there it spiraled too quickly because that's how fast cancer can just spike so then we got sent home then on end of life they came in and gave us the news that Singapore can't treat her either.

55:11So you're in the hospital. So you can't go to Singapore. You have been fighting. Ash has been fighting. You have not allowed any defeat. Had you given up hope at that moment? Mm. At that moment, I was only asleep, which is crazy, because I never wanted her to feel any energy from myself or be around crying. and I never cried in front of her. I remember just dropping straight to the floor with my hands in my head, looked up at Ashley and it was like, you know, when you just, I can just see him now. I just looked straight at him and it was like, don't even look at me. One of them moments where you're like, you can't even look at each other to be like, we have been defeated.

56:06It's not real. Don't look at me. This is not real. And then it was like we went and had more conversations elsewhere. And then it was like we need to go and enjoy the last moments that we can as a family with her. and for her waking up out of that conversation to me then looking at her, I felt like I'd let her down.

56:47Like as a mother, as a mother, you're meant to protect your child. And I remember looking at her thinking I am the shittiest mum ever.

57:08And as I was looking at her, I just, I couldn't even imagine her not even being here. And it was the most heartbreaking thing to look your child in the eye and know that any moment, which is what they told us, she could go, any moment. Any moment. Any moment, it could just spiral and it could go. She could go. And that, for me, was, and is still now, the hardest pill to swallow. Yeah. You know, also, just to mention, there's some tissues around here. Thank you. Yeah. I um you blamed yourself though yeah I just felt like I made her

58:02because I made her it's like I'm responsible I thought and then like immediately these intrusive thoughts come in my head of like this is why you shouldn't have been a mum this is why you knew you shouldn't have had children this is why you knew that it wasn't just about finding the right dad it was because this this could happen so all these things started shooting through my head and made me feel horrible and responsible that I've done this to my daughter. This connects back to what you had mentioned when you said I delivered her safe. Yeah, yeah, exactly that. And then knowing that it's... you're now looking at your daughter's eyes while she's smiling and playing with her teddies, knowing that is this going to be the last time she plays with her little lion is this going to be the last time we're going to take a video where she's smiling and everything suddenly shifted in is this the last time is this the last time and they sent me and Ashley home and um in the moments of us being at home we'd be protecting Azalea from all the family from being in contact with her because she'd been um oh because of the medication because of the medication and her having to be in isolation to the point where now the family were allowed to come and touch and hold her from not touching her from eight weeks to eight months

59:46and it was like the hardest thing ever because i knew the fight had finished once i'd watched my family holding her and I should be happy that they're holding her and then I had family members that were crying while they were holding her and I remember coming to take Azalea off them because she hadn't seen crying she hadn't seen mommy cry she hadn't seen daddy cry she'd only seen a smiley face oh wow so even at them points i would take azalia away from any sort of energy that would make her feel sad wow that's incredible so she didn't see anyone cry No, no, no, never. No, when I wanted to cry the most, besides her, I would laugh and sing, If You're Happy and You Know It, clap your hands.

1:00:48And I'd sing it with that much passion and energy because I wanted to scream and cry. That ended up becoming her favourite song. Or sing, Ubi-Doo, I Want to Be Like You. So when she heard that, she would smile. Yeah, but that was me screaming and crying. yeah internally yeah yeah so azalea then passes away do you recall the moment yeah myself and ashley um i had um a monitor and end of life team always say don't don't have a monitor because you end up seeing the heartbeat go down or you're relying too much on the numbers rather than having that quality time. So I understand exactly why they do it.

1:01:40But for me, every second mattered. So I'd always do Azalea's checks. In the hospital, that's what they'd do anyway. Every four hours, they'd come in and do a check on her pulse and do all of her checks on how her heartbeat is and just all the general things. that when I got home I requested this machine because I wanted to do my observations at home just I was just used to that now at this point and I noticed it was going down I couldn't get a pulse and it was I was attaching it to a tie and a fingers and everywhere that I could try and get a pulse from and the night before Azalea passed I sang I used to sing Whitney Houston when you believe because I knew she were going to heaven

1:02:34and I didn't want her to stop believing

1:02:42I didn't want her to stop believing that even though she was going to heaven she's going to be the most beautiful angel and we're still going to be together

1:03:00And then it was crazy because we had night after night after night where she was still here with us. But on that particular night when I sang that song, the next morning we woke up, she was still here with us. But then it was early morning. That was it. She passed away in minor national slats. and then even at that point when she'd passed away

1:03:33Ashley had gone into a shock like really bad I don't even know if we spoke about this so I don't really want to speak about it too much but he'd gone into a really bad shock and obviously Azalea was between us and I picked Azalea up and I remember sitting on the top of the step with her as she passed away in my arms. And looking at her face, it was peace. It had just echoed through the whole of her body. She wasn't in pain anymore. Yeah. And she looked the most peaceful that she'd looked in such a long time. and at that point I felt like you've gone to heaven but I felt like her presence was still there with me.

1:04:25I felt like she was still with me. It's very good like in Islam as well to make sure that the body's clean so I made sure that that was all done. Me and Ashley both did that together and then we got her changed and dressed And, um, yeah. And then, yeah, that's the, I tell you, I, I, I mean, you know, it's so hard to hear this, but I can't fathom what it's like to live it, you know, and the strength that you have to have to be able to, to go through that. yeah you know um i know that you are at a state in life where you reflect quite a bit and you pull lessons what was azalea's lesson to you

1:05:26wow her lesson to me

1:05:32is to live without fear

1:05:39it's also

1:05:44it's a very good question Paul but I live without fear anymore her lesson to me is to shine that light that she so fearlessly gave to this world and continue her legacy and to help these children and families that's the biggest lesson she's given me to help others and be the voice for the voiceless. Yeah. Have you now gone back and reconsidered how you felt in that moment when you were told that she would have to return for end-of-life care and you thought you were a bad mother? Do you realize that? No, not yet. Not yet? Do you want to talk about that? Yeah. Because from my observation, you were the perfect mother perfect the perfect but when trauma comes when the storm comes into our lives we typically do one of three things we either retreat from the storm can't handle it and that's okay we shouldn't feel shame for not being able to handle the storm That's one.

1:07:00The second thing is that we just freeze. You say, you know what? I can be here. I can come to the hospital, but I won't be able to function when I'm here, right? But then the third thing that could happen, and it happens to a rare percentage of us, but this is what you did, and that is, you know what? I'm going to step through the storm, and I'm going to step up to the challenge that's being presented to me. and that to me is the testament of an exceptional parent that's an exceptional person is to say because you know what that is that's resilience that's saying that i'm going to step up to this and i'm going to meet it no matter what you throw at me i'm going to meet you and i'm going to see you one and that's what you did every step of the way i want you to be able to reflect back and be proud of what you did not just for azalea but for all the other mothers and fathers they can see and they can learn strength through you they really can they really can i mean do you see how you stepped up do you see that yeah that part i feel just firstly thank Thank you so much for that.

1:08:16It's really refreshing to hear because I think that I spend a lot of time in my own mind. And as much as I have an incredible following and an audience and great people around me that always reassure me and tell me that sometimes you can't get away from your own head and your own thoughts and your own demons that just sit there. And so, yeah, thank you for that. But you do see how you stepped up. Yeah, I do. I tell you the reason why I do is because it's gave other people strength. And that's where I see that I have stepped up because of other people telling me through me being an inspiration to them.

1:09:01And it's how them get back on their feet. I knew that I must have done something right. Yes, you did. Yeah. You did. You did. And every time I see, I'll remind you of that. Yeah, thank you. I'll remind you of that. Now, you just mentioned how your experience and how you lived this experience is helping others. But you went through a grieving period. And I would argue that that grieving period doesn't end. It just reshapes. Absolutely. But initially, how were you able to live through the grief? What help and support did you get? Yeah, my only thing I wanted to do was help children and families fighting against childhood cancer.

1:09:44I knew my purpose through my daughter of what I wanted to do. And we're going to start a charity. We're going to name it the Azalea Foundation. And I'm going to parent my daughter through a foundation and help other children and families fighting against childhood cancer. and that's the only thing that kept me here through the immediate stages of my grief after that was established and as that was going on I felt worthless and like I didn't want to be here anymore I started gaining weight and not recognising myself in the mirror I don't know who I am I don't want to live here anymore I don't want to be here Ashley can take care of the foundation I am now having the most intrusive thoughts do I go and drive my car into a wall do I go and jump off somewhere like how can I commit suicide in a way where it can be quick and it can be done and then my following started telling me how much I was helping them.

1:10:59I looked at my brother and he's literally been my backbone, my brother. He's been amazing. Tell me about him. He is, any moment through the whole of my journey, this guy has been at the drop of a hat for me and he was somebody that I looked at and thought, I need to stay here for you as well because you're in pain. I can't do this to you. Of how I feel. I looked at him one day when we was just chatting. And I thought, I could never do that to you as my brother and leave you in that pain. So it is your brother and the love that you have for him that prevented you from taking your own life. Yeah.

1:11:47I was in a really, really dark place. and I just couldn't. I just thought my family have gone through so much. I have a surprise for you. Oh. It's not Ashley, is it? No.

1:12:14This is your lifesaver. My lifesaver? Yeah. Take a look at this. What?

1:12:23Hey, good morning. Just want to leave a short message to my sister Sophia to say how proud I am, how great she is as a sister and how proud I am as a brother to have her in my life. It really is a blessing. And just seeing the journey that you've been through, not being able to get out of bed in the morning, to now standing on stage in front of thousands of people, delivering messages, inspiring others, it really is touching. Loving that you're sharing Azalea's legacy. It really is great work. Love you lots. See you soon.

1:13:03No way. What do you think about this? No way. What do you think about that? He hates the camera and Paul. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. What do you think about that? You know what? to hear him speak those words um means everything to me i think um that love uh is just i mean it's it's so powerful it's it's what kept you alive yeah yeah he did you know um so the azalea foundation yeah is a foundation that you and ashley created and you co-run the the the foundation shit um now what i find interesting is that you and ashley are no longer together no but yet you co-run this organization together right so it shows you that you were always friends yeah yeah yeah but you two did break up how did that happen because you know through this entire story at least from the moment you met him through to having azalea all the challenges you had with you two were close you were a team yeah so what do you believe happened and how did the relationship eventually end we navigated grief very differently um i'm kind of a let's go and ride through this together kind of person and i think for him it was he's in his own zone now he's probably got his own protective armour on around him and the feelings and the thoughts and the pain that he's in, I believe that he just couldn't navigate with me and that's even still to this day really gets me because I kind of felt like I waited for you

1:15:04to navigate through the pain but also showing you that I was an incredible partner to still be by your side for everything. He ended up drinking quite a lot and going down that road and when I'm somebody that don't really drink a lot, you know, it was difficult. It was very, very hard. I needed him. and for him I think he needed to be by himself and through a lot of therapy now I understand that there's no right and no wrong to grief and that's why I still respect him so much as an individual and as Azalea's dad because maybe God put us together for this reason of making a change and a difference in this world that we live in and now it's his time to go off and for me to go and find my next step in life your next step yeah yeah um that's a very respectful uh you know way to i would still be with him now paul i would yeah i feel that yeah i would i still love ashley to pieces and

1:16:24through his own journey of what he's decided to go on the path that he's decided to go on I've just had to sit on the side and absorb everything that's come my way and publicly as well um with the layers of strength that I thought I had I then had to put on a whole new load of farmer i was bullied and tormented online for my appearance i'd gained weight so i'd always been small probably how you see me now but probably a bit smaller i was always petite and through my grief i've even looked back on pictures the other day it was three months after azalea had passed of where i just skyrocketed and great gained so much weight and then i had online bullies a minority um but when you're feeling like you want to commit suicide and you've got a minority sometimes that can finish her and they bullied me and told me that Ashley had left me because I'd gained weight um look at yourself in the mirror your estate go and fix yourself like who do you think you are like it was horrific so not only were you getting that online hate but you you didn't even address it I anchored it for the day like today where I feel like my foundation and the children's voice is heard and still being heard and then I can talk about me I come secondary yes yes yeah so this was three months in you said people were already bullying you three months in to Azalea passing you know you think what sicko are you yeah to I mean, to A, do it anyway.

1:18:09Yeah. But to B, do that to a mother who has lost her child. Were these inbox messages as well? Yeah. They were coming through my inbox. They weren't anywhere publicly, you see. It was all in my DM. It was all in my DM. That's worse. And I was going through my requests so religiously because I wanted to help more children and families. So I was going through each case. It was like I was going through a case to keep my brain working. And that's why I'd come across them all and I'd see them all. And you would read them. And I'd read them. And then I'd look in the mirror and I'd think, yeah, what has happened to me?

1:18:47No wonder who don't want to be with me. And over the years, I've noticed now by my platform growing that I am making a change in people's lives. These people are relying on me to show them more of me. They want to see more. They want to see what it looks like to be a broken woman and to come back into this world again with your head held high. Yes, yes. You know, to be able to see someone go from, as you mentioned, broken. Yeah. Right. Although I never like to say broken. You were just in the storm. Yeah. You know, you're in the storm. To see someone in the storm come out of the storm, head held high.

1:19:31Right. That's confidence. How did you develop that confidence? The consistency and the boundaries and every day showing up. And I think what's rebuilt my confidence is truly showing up, not sitting in the background to everything and just making sure that I'm disciplined. You know, it's interesting. I had a conversation with Mel Robbins and she has different theories, very, very popular theories. kind of the first one I think that really boosted her into international stardom was this whole 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, where she would look at, she would recollect like a rocket taking off and the countdown, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and then the rocket has to take off no matter what.

1:20:16So she would lay in bed and she was in a depressed state and would count, okay, I have to get up, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I'm up, right? I also do this. That's crazy. You do that? I do 3, 2, 1. Of course you do. 3, 2, 1, and then you just launch into it. And it's a way to tell yourself, all right, we're going. And your blind's opening, the shower, right? That makes sense. Yeah, routine. Therapy, I also know, was a part of, I'll call it your evolution. Yeah. So can you talk about therapy? Because for a lot of people, people, I think that there's still this mixed feeling of, do I need therapy especially as an individual can I afford it how frequently do I need to go so what was your experience with therapy I think everybody could do with therapy so when I went into therapy the first conversation I had with a therapist it was face to face didn't quite get on with it left I thought nah I knew that this weren't for me okay I thought come on like let's just not like just like regard the therapy let's try and find somebody else found somebody else no didn't quite take to that person my third therapist and it was on zoom and i always thought that i needed face to face because i need to feel the in-person like energy yes boom straight away she got me look at that and i was locked in and i thought i'm very interested because you're starting at my childhood but I'm traumatized over here why are you starting from down here for like I'm all right with all of that as we unpicked the whole way through I was having three therapy sessions a week yeah it was it's not cheap right but what would I do go out there and buy go and get a holiday or go and I'm paying for my car insurance I'm paying for all these other things why am I not paying for my mental health that's going to keep me here I need to invest in myself so I started having the three sessions thinking okay this is going to keep me alive and as I was going through these therapy sessions she was then giving me tasks to do at one point Paul I couldn't even get out the car to go into a supermarket because I was tormented by the baby oils and the children in the supermarket I'd sit in my car and drive away Ashley's mum would go and pick up the milk and the and the bits and bobs that we needed to make food because I was terrified it would make me cry.

1:22:51Seeing baby milk or nappies, always a big trigger. So we walked through the steps of all of these things and had different measures. Instead of sitting in the car this time, let's see when you start feeling like this, walk to the door. If you can't get to the door, go back to the car, but at least you've got to walk to the door. That's how I started my journey, just even going into a supermarket. Look at that, look at that. And it was the therapist who was able to give you those tools. Yeah. Yeah. You know, what's so important about what you just said is that you tried one therapist, didn't work, tried another, didn't work, tried again, it worked.

1:23:27I think that there is a myth that exists and that is that I'm going to sit down in front of this therapist the first time, they're going to solve my every pain in my life and that's it. But when you look at the data, it shows us that most people, when they go to see their therapist, they don't like their therapist. And it's important to say, you know what? I don't like the therapist. It's not that I don't like therapy. And then just pivot because you're right. It's just like a partner, a romantic partner. You have to kiss some frogs to get to the prince. It's the same way with therapy. So I love that.

1:24:06I love that. There's one more topic I want to talk about before I get into the rebirth, the glow up. I'm going to call it the glow up. And that is happiness. Yeah. Because there's so many parts of this conversation I had with Ashley that stand out to me. But one in particular was one that I think we debated a bit on. And that was when I asked him if he was happy. I don't know of anyone as ambitious as Ashley Cain. I am. Oh, there you go. There you go. There you go. That was good. You've only just met me. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I already can see now. I can see. I get it. I get it. Coming for you.

1:24:47I see it. No, no, but I see it. I see it. And now I can see why you two were together. I could really see it. You know, well matched, well matched. But I see how ambitious he is, right? And he's in the pursuit of these goals. But when I said, are you happy? He said, no. And then I asked, do you foresee yourself ever being happy? He said, I don't. Saf, are you happy? I'm not happy yet. However, this year, January, promised myself I'm going to go on a journey of finding happiness. But you foresee happiness. Yeah, absolutely. So how much of this happiness is about romantic? new romantic relationships.

1:25:38And here's where I want to go with this. There's a viral video that was recently posted. Yes. Okay. Which I saw, I was like, this is very impressive. Matter of fact, I liked it. A lot of work coming to that. Oh, wow. So for a very long time, I've not entertained men or gone on dates or done anything because I am unhealed. I want to become to a point where I'm healed to a point where I can bring happiness to your life and share great memories and times together not for you to unpack all my traumas that's for me to do for myself and my therapist then I started looking out there I go to some great events and I'm like he's fit he's fit he's fit he's but someone will be like oh my god she's so good but there was a massive stigma around me being in a relationship with Ashley and although he's moved on and now got two children there was always my own identity that is always in the shadow of being Ashley Kane's ex-girlfriend yeah so I needed a mentor I needed you boy I needed somebody to help me navigate how to go back into this field again it was so scary I'm like do I do dating apps yes uh I'm terrified of dating apps and because my face is known I'm thinking you see me on a dating app you're going to think is this real or sure am i going to be vulnerable being put on a dating app right or okay i can go and date somebody but then am i too vulnerable i don't know how to do this field in this generation no more especially in the uk you know romance fraud is one of the fastest growing frauds yeah in in the uk and a lot of these groups because there's groups that are that are specifically looking for women who've gone through traumatic events like the loss of a child right or the loss of a partner and the idea is that they can figure out how they can they believe you're in a vulnerable state and they can more easily manipulate you so your reluctance to jump right into it was right so then how do you then end up doing this video in Dubai okay so this is insane Paul because I promise you now I didn't think that it was gonna blow off as crazy as what it did i was left thinking like but where it came from and what happened was this guy he's so lovely he's such a gentleman he's high profile and um he wanted to hang out so then okay we were hanging out the next minute i'm on a yacht having dinner and And my friend was like, come on, like, you're on holiday.

1:28:29Like, just go and enjoy it. Like, there's nobody around. Just, like, you don't have to feel any kind of way. And then he kissed me. And, yeah, I was just like, oh, my God. I was like, I felt like Bridget Jones.

1:28:46I was so geeking. Do you know, log inside, I was like, what the hell? And then we were just hanging out one evening. and it was like, not a date, but like we're chilling together. I like informal stuff. This is one evening. So you've been hanging out multiple evenings with this guy. Oh, she bad. And I noticed you said multiple evenings. Yeah. And I like things informal as well. So I don't like to just directly, you know, be like, oh, let's go on a date because that would scare me. So I'm like, let's hang out. let's just chill so I was like right have you got one of those um full emirati outfits yeah I said well I've got the scarf and I've got my shades and my hat I said how about if I disguise you would you do the video with me then and he was like nah because you can you'll probably see There'll be some kind of movement in it where you might see a tattoo or you might see something.

1:29:54So we fully disguised the whole outfit and we thought, let's just give it a try to see if it works. But he was reluctant, but yet he approved of the video going out. Yeah, because he had the edits would set up till, I think, half five in the morning. Yeah, we made sure that you couldn't even see anything. Do you think that is one of the reasons why? Because you can't identify who he is. Do you think that's one of the reasons why so many people have watched, shared, commented on this? I, yeah, I think there's that for identifying who he actually is. But, you know, my following and my audience, they are incredible women.

1:30:41and they want to see me happy and it's amazing to see who they're pairing me with as well like it's actually jokes I mean it wasn't a hard launch of a relationship however it is a hard launch that I am back out dating and that was like me breaking the ice to say I am ready to go back out I don't know what the hell I'm doing I need all the guidance yeah but I'm here but I am here like I I just want to break that chain of it. And that's what I felt like that video has now done for me. It's just allowed me to be like, if I want to do Get Ready With Me For A Date Night, I can do that. Yes. And not feel guilty of feeling like I can move on.

1:31:23Yeah. He is a gentleman. He has been really delicate with me. He's emotionally intelligent. he is um very emotionally aware of what I've gone through as well so he he's treating me with delicacy and I really really like that and I think I need to date more so I know what I really want and I don't think it's it's wise of me just jumping straight in the deep end And I feel like I need to go out and see what this world is. I mean, I might end up going back to him and revealing him in the future. I'm not going to press you on who it is. Okay. But can I get from you a category? So here's the category.

1:32:12Okay. There's sports as one category. Yeah. There is, I call it the professional category. Yeah. There's the music category. And then there's another category. What category is he in?

1:32:28because I like you. It's sports. It's sports. Okay. Then you know what? I'm going to stop right there. Yeah. I'm not going to go anywhere deeper. But can I say what I love is what you just said, and that is I'm going to go out here and date. And I believe that's exactly what you should be doing. When I look back at your life, you've only been in one healthy relationship. So if you've only been in one healthy relationship, then what you need to do is you need to explore more healthy relationships and see which one fits the best for you. How would you know, though, when you go on a date with somebody?

1:33:09Because that's what scares me, going on a date with somebody, and then it almost feels like an interview. So I think the first date, what's most important in a first date or first interaction is two things. One, did the person listen to you? And did you feel the need and desire to want to listen to them? That's so important is because if you don't have that right from the beginning, you won't be able to develop an emotional connection. The second is, is there physical attraction? And I will debate anybody on this. I think there needs to be at least a minimal level of physical attraction, mutual.

1:33:47So if you have mutual physical attraction, at least minimal, right, and you have mutual listening, that is chemistry. The other piece that I think you should own as you're dating, because you are coming from a vulnerable state, is the importance of you setting boundaries and watching to see if someone tries to push you, cross you on the boundaries. Because what manipulators do is they try to push, not they try, they do, they push you just ever so slightly out your boundary. And then once they're able to successfully do that, they push you further out the boundary, further out the boundary, further, and then they're bullying you.

1:34:28If they're respecting your boundaries right from the beginning, they actively listen to you, you're physically attracted to them, that's someone that you want to continue to see. So I think these are the three elements that are very important early on. And I want you to truly own each of those early on. Would you ever go on Slubs Go Dating? I would absolutely. If you're on that, would you be on that? I need you, Paul. I absolutely would love nothing more than to do a show like that. I feel like I'm at this point where I need that help and that support. and I'm because I'm so ready for it now I feel like a little kid that needs you I need a helping hand well you got we're cool we're friends now like so you've got yeah you got thank you that that's you you definitely have me yeah um but I would yeah I would absolutely love to I I've watched that show and the job that you do and that time that you dedicate would be great for you to navigate me in terms of what I'm doing wrong or what I do I like constructive criticism for myself I enjoy that and I feel like with that constructive criticism would help me start my journey all right yeah that's fair that's fair another quick subject is the future so if you just think about what your goals are professionally because you are I think one thing that as I read about you and I'm very proud of is that you are a businesswoman, you're an entrepreneur.

1:36:07So when you think about the next chapter of your career professionally, what does that look like for you? For me, I want to, obviously my heartbeat is always the Azalea Foundation and always making sure that we are making changes and statistic changes in how many children are passing a week and developing the PhD program that we're doing. So for me, in that field there with education is making sure that we are bringing new talent and new research to this country to really make it so parents and children don't have to go abroad for treatments like I and Ashley did with Azalea so that's always my heartbeat behind it on the other aspect of it I want to be that light in whatever direction I choose to go on now and I know there's so many things that are coming in to my manager at the minute which is all exciting things that I am gonna start saying yes to because I now have that confidence to say yes there you go the confidence is back yeah and that means that I'm just about to catapult but I wanna my main thing is making sure that I bring light into other people's lives and make sure that you really see the true value of who you are as a person and you don't need anybody else but yourself there you go I love it So then you get the final question that everyone gets.

1:37:28Okay. And it's my favorite question. And that is, is when you think through your life and all of the challenging conversations you've had, which one stands out as the most memorable? Who was it with? And what did you talk about? And it's difficult because my most memorable ones are all for Azalea. they are so one of my most memorable conversations are with Ashley and that was the moment we went into hospital and we were both falling apart we created this team called Club 100 and that was every time we went into that room to Azalea all she would see was smiley face all she would see with smiley faces and happy mommy and daddy and we never let her down and we always carried through them wishes of each other look at that club 100 yeah i think that's a good lesson for all of us to take is club 100 you know um when i was doing the research for this one something that absolutely blew me away was that there is not one word in the English language to represent a parent who's lost a child.

1:38:55It blew me away. If you think of a child who's lost a parent, what are they? An orphan. You think of a, if you've lost your partner, what are you? A widow or a widower. If you go to other languages, like Hebrew or Arabic, there are words to describe a parent who's lost a child, but not in the English language. And so I went back and I went down the rabbit trail and looked at these scholars, these academic scholars that were debating as to why. And the top reason that they came up with is they said, the pain is so unbearable that that is one reason why we don't have a word to describe this because of the pain and how unbearable the pain is.

1:39:41And what I find so interesting about that is that the English language, it tells us what we're thinking, but also the things that we try not to think about. And what I applaud you for doing is bringing light to what we should be talking about. We shouldn't have a loved one pass on and not bring their name up. Forget their memory. We should talk about them. We should celebrate them. We should honor them. And this is precisely what you continue to do every day. And because of that, you are one of the best mommies. Thank you. You are incredible. And I believe that your future is going to be next level because you've done the work.

1:40:35I can see that you've done the work. I can see the promise in your eyes, you know, of where you're going. and I'm so excited for you. I'm so excited for what's coming next. And anytime you need some insight, some advice, I'll give you my number. You just hit me. I'll even talk to whoever this mystery man is in Dubai. Let me talk to him first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me talk to him. But I'm so happy for you. Thank you. Thank you. And I appreciate it as well. And yeah, you are going to be my coach. Done. Done and done. Thank you for having me as well. honestly I appreciate it and I also appreciate you giving me this space to be able to talk and you know inviting me on to be able to be that voice for the voiceless and to give everybody hope around our country or the world whoever's listening to this because you know you do give that safe space to your guests and honestly I'm just honoured to be sat in this chair thank you so much we're all blessed by you really we are we are we are

1:41:45saf safia beautiful eloquent yeah inspiring for sure i think she's someone who as she mentioned has lived in the shadow of uh her ex you know of ashley cain and perhaps living in the shadow didn't allow her to realize her true identity. And she's reached a place now where she has. Yeah. And that's beautiful. Ashley mentioned this, as well as Safiya mentioned this, is that there were times where it was too much for him, where he would shut down. And this is where Safiya had to step up. And so we were able to get that level of detail and to know that they had the strength to ensure that Azalea rung the bell, go home, tell family, but then go right back to fighting.

1:42:38And that is something that is the epitome of resilience. I think resilience, courage, strength, these are words that sometimes are used too lightly, but they perfectly apply to Sophia. I also love this new romance man thing happening in Dubai. She's having fun. And we need to celebrate that. Not everything needs to be committed forever, get married, spend your life. It could be a nice fling, right? That's respectful. That's fun. And something tells me that's what she has. I think I know who it is, by the way. So if you think sports, Dubai, the build, I think you can, I mean, it's definitely not a footballer.