How To Not Be Alone In 2025 Real Advice For Real Singles - Is Sober Dating The Next Big Thing?

32:53Okay, that's fair. So, but you had a relationship with the father for a certain amount of time. So you'd say, okay, not a good guy. Yeah. Do you feel like the relationships you had prior to Dave were with men that you wouldn't put in the good guy category? Yes. Okay, so that was the common theme. Why do you believe that was a trend? Because I hadn't ever really got any attention. When I started to get it, good or bad, I followed up on it, or should I say? or maybe my lack of confidence is why I, you know, sort of getting into these relationships, my lack of, at the time maybe more, I don't think I've grown a little bit more, but the lack of kind of self-worth, how I felt about myself, maybe not good enough.

33:42I put up with things that, when I'm now 43, that I wouldn't dream of putting up with. And so it sounds like you had a series of relationships, Some good, but mostly not good with these guys that we're showing you the attention momentarily, but we're not great guys. So you go through many years of this. You have your son, Leo. So was Dave, did you feel like Dave was different? Very different. Very different than all these guys. He couldn't have been any more different. friendly, easygoing, laid back, looked different to my stereotypical guy that I probably would have gone for before. I found it really interesting to talk to and I like being around people like that that can encourage me, inspire me.

34:33So we became friends initially, which again, I've never done that before. So you were friends first? Yes. I like that. And then you felt so comfortable with Dave, you introduced Leo to Dave. Yeah. And that was very natural. Leo really took to Dave. Do you think he was, was he almost like a father? He was a father figure. And how did you feel to see Leo finally have a father in his life? he loved it and that's all I've ever wanted for Leo but you can't just get with a guy so he can be a father to a child that's not right either so it's it's got to be right hasn't it for me and then you've got to see how things go with your child yes you were dating each other you were committed to each other Were you talking about marriage in the future?

35:34I remember he was talking quite early on about sort of having children. He said, oh, I probably wouldn't, you know, wouldn't have any more children. I said, oh, I never dreamt of Leo being an early child of things. And then as time went on, it went the other way around, and he was like, yeah, we will eat. He's called me H. We will eat. We will eat. Dave was at a place where he wanted to have a child. Yeah, I'd said, oh, no, and then he was like, we will. And I would have, because I know he would have had my back. You're finally in a relationship. Yeah. Your son loves this man, Dave. You're talking about building a life together, a child, a home, right?

36:20What happens to Dave? It was a Friday morning, and I was at work. I could see his mum calling. They loved doing Sunday lunch and things together, so I thought, oh, she'll be calling to invite Leo and I if somebody didn't. Didn't answer because I couldn't finish work. Just getting in my car and I thought, I'll call his mum back while I'm driving. And as I got in the car, she was calling me again. And she said, it's Dave, he's died. And I guess you just can't believe that when someone tells you that. How did you tell your son? Oh, it's the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. Like breaking your child's heart.

37:00You never want to do that, and you never want to see them hurting like that. Yeah, bringing yourself to say it, and then that's also accepting that's actually happened. So, you know, you say something out loud, it's real then. Yes, yes. So not only did I have to say it out loud, I had to say it to my boy. Thank you for sharing that. I know how challenging it is to talk about someone you love passing. So a big question I'm sure on your mind is, are you ready to be dating now? If a relationship's ended, it's usually because there's one or two things. You've ended it because you've realized you don't want to be with that person.

37:45Or they've ended it. So when that person has been taken away, it's a very different experience. It is. There's various levels of trauma. What you have faced is severe trauma, to your point. It's another level. And severe trauma creates a more severe reaction. Because ultimately what you're doing is you now, as a result of the trauma, you are now seeing and operating in the world differently. You could have more or less emotion. I don't feel like I've got a lot of feeling or anything. We're in the holiday season. Does that weigh on you at all, being in a holiday season and not having Dave? Yeah, I think it does.

38:38And I think more, I haven't felt as great the last couple of weeks. So maybe subconsciously that could be why, because obviously it's family time. It's, you know, it's that special time, isn't it, for families and being together. Have you, because I know that one of the topics you wanted to talk about was, am I ready to date, right? Have you already tried to start dating? Yeah. You have. Okay. And how has that gone? So many feelings of guilt. Is it too soon? What a lovely guy this is. However, those feet wear my feelings. That isn't the right person. Or is that because I'm so numb? So the question is a powerful question.

39:29This is one that does come up quite a bit. And there is an exercise that I have put together that I would love to do with you if you're open. Of course. Are you open? Yeah, I'm open. See this? We have a green card. We have a red card. Then we have a yellow card. Okay. So I want you to hold on to these. Thank you. Okay. All right. So this is my green light readiness quiz. So the whole idea around this quiz is to help you determine if you're ready to date. If you date too soon, what could happen? You could be across from a great guy and you could push them away. Or the opposite could happen. You could be across from a terrible person, but your need and desire to be with someone allows them into your life.

40:22So you can end up pushing great partners away or pulling partners who are terrible for you as a result. So you have to be ready. I'm going to ask you a question. And if the answer is yes, that is going to be a green card. So you show me that green card. If the answer is on occasion or sometimes, that's a yellow card. If the answer is never, never, that's a red card. The first question is on emotional stability. Okay. The question is this. Can I think about Dave without overwhelming sadness or anger?

41:17Yeah. Yeah, it's not overwhelming anymore. Okay. All right. That's fair. That's fair. Second, do I feel like dating would be honoring Dave rather than betraying Dave? Okay. Let's talk about that for a second. So you feel like it would be? Like cheating. because none of us ended it. That's a good analysis. Okay, let's keep going. Number three. Do I have a sense of who I am as an individual outside of being a parent to Leo and a grieving partner to Dave? Okay. And give me your, because you were right on that. Probably since I had Leo, I probably lost myself. And I don't think I've ever got that back.

42:21Next question. Am I open to forming a meaningful emotional bond with someone new? Or does the idea still feel numb or forced? That's what I would have answered for you as well. And why do you say that? So the first part of your question, I am open to it, absolutely, and I want to. However, anonymous is very real. Yes. Yes. Okay. Do I have the emotional and physical energy to invest in getting to know someone without feeling drained or resentful? Okay. And why do you answer it that way? Probably even still six months ago, I was at the doctors having a blood test because I felt there was something wrong with me because I felt so drained.

43:20You know, so, Heather, I'm so glad that we did this. Yeah, that was really, yeah. Because without question, without question, the results of this are clear. You're not ready. Now, I want to unpack these questions a bit. The best gift I can give you is to give you some actions. Thank you. Because one thing I can already tell is that you don't need anyone. You want someone, but you don't need anyone. And the only way you get to that is by being someone who has worked hard, you know, in their life. and so I believe that when I give you these actions, you're going to be able to go out and do this.

44:08But before we even do that, let me ask you, how does it feel for me to tell you that I don't think you're ready? A little bit hard. Don't always want to hear it, do you? Even though it's, yeah, I totally agree. Right, and I think that's the beauty of this particular exercise is because I'm going to outline what you can do because what so many of us do is feel like, okay, I have to do something, so let me just go start dating. But dating, it turns out, might not be the best use of your time and energy for you because you were honest with those answers, which is the first step. Now we can actually get the work done, okay?

44:52So the emotional stability, you can't have a green. Green. All right, so we're good there. The second question when I said, do you feel like dating is honoring or betraying him? This is around guilt. This is guilt. And the issue here is that, and I wrote this down, is that we have to reframe guilt because it allows you to honor Dave's past, but at the same time embrace your future. Here are some exercises that I would suggest you do. A couple of things you could do. One is I always say, write a letter. Letters are so powerful. Write a letter to Dave explaining how dating aligns with your new desire to live fully.

45:41And at the same time, you're going to cherish his memory. And then whenever these feelings of guilt begin to creep in, because guilt will creep in, you know what you do? You just reflect on the letter. That's really good. I think I, because I felt so closed and probably maybe detached, I've almost stopped myself from doing anything like that. Because I will find it, because it's opening up, isn't it? It's opening up, it's feeling things that I know I need to feel to process. But I don't do it because it hurts, I suppose. Yes. But you know why I think that activity in particular will be so great for you is because you are so honest.

46:28Yeah. So you'll put all of those emotions and feelings into that letter. And when you reflect back on it, you know, it's like you're having a conversation with him. One other, I'll give you just a second on this, is that volunteering to a cause important to Dave. What better way to honor him? That's going to reduce your guilt because you're going to know, hey, you know what? I'm showing up for Dave every week at this. Think how beautiful that would be to volunteer. That's embracing him and honoring him. And that allows you to reduce the guilt and then be able to embrace the future. Okay. Okay.

47:19So those are two ways that I fully believe will help you to reduce the guilt. Next up, I asked you about, do you have a sense of who you are as an individual outside of being a parent to Leo and a partner to Dave? And you said, no. This is about self-identity. And the reason why this is so important is because when you're entering a relationship with someone, if you don't have your own identity, you will become dependent on the identity of the relationship or the partner. So you want to have your own identity. And oftentimes when we become parents, when we enter relationships, we lose that identity.

48:01You've admitted to this. Yeah, I kind of, you know, if someone says, what are your hobbies? I'm going to, because I go to work and I'm lucky. I enjoy my job. I'm lucky. But I did go to work and I'd be a mum. Now, it's so interesting that you said, I have no hobbies, because what do you think I'm going to suggest? Find a hobby. What is one thing right now that you can identify that you have a passion around, especially maybe that you had as a little girl that you haven't ever pursued? I've done lots of like boot camps and things over the years prior to Leo. And I did used to really, I do enjoy like things like that.

48:48Okay. Or I say do, did. Did. So how about we change it to do? so I need you to identify a hobby. This could be you're doing it every week, every two weeks, every month, but you're doing something that you can derive passion from and enjoyment. You're on this long journey, okay? The journey is actually never-ending. And opposed to, I think, a lot of information comes out, you need to be at the end of the journey. You need to be done. I want everything to be fixed and you go, Heather, you're fine. And we've done all the green cards. Here, Heather, have these vitamins that I take. It doesn't work.

49:31No, I know. We know it doesn't work that way. So instead, I want you to imagine this journey that you're on. And all we're doing today is we're talking about the first step. That's it. And my only promise is that if you make that first step by doing all of these, the next step is going to be a little bit easier. And then if you make two steps in, you know what? The third step is going to be easier. You could definitely do the third step. And then if you do three steps, you know what you get out there? The fourth step is easy. And by the time you're four, five, six steps in, you're going to look and say, oh my God, I think I'm halfway through this.

50:17That's how it works. So now that's one. And I'm going to give you a second one. The second one is I would like for you to, and we have a guest who truly compelled me. Do you know Dr. Tara Swart? Yeah. She's put me onto the vision. I fully believe in the vision board. What I want you to do is I want you to create a vision board of your dreams. Let's identify four or five dreams that you have. Just that exercise alone is phenomenal because you've been so focused on being a great mom, you know, being a great partner, that you probably haven't spent much time thinking about your own dreams. On the vision board, what I want you to do is I want you to think about the dreams.

51:09You'll cut out a depiction of the dreams from a magazine or you could print it off online and then hang that vision board up and just look at it every day. Walk by it every day. Remind yourself. And what Dr. Taro Swart has taught me is that by doing that, what we end up doing is we're programming our entire life, it's not just our mind, but to be more perceptive of all of the things that can guide us to that dream. By placing this out into the world, I'm closer to the path of closer to on the journey to getting to it next are you open to forming a meaningful connection with someone new or does the idea still feel a number for us you said you're open to the connection but you still feel numb yes all right so what I would love for you to do is start with low stakes social interactions like meeting friends for coffee joining a book club attending a fitness group.

52:12What these things do, and you can combine this with the hobby, but the idea is to reduce the anxiety around meeting people. When we are in relationships that are super, super, super loving, we can cocoon ourselves. and we stop having all the, or we slow down on the interactions that we normally have. And so this is your opportunity to just begin to flex your charm and your charisma and your small talk, which is a skill. I do feel like I can talk to anyone. I can. You probably can. I think you can too. Yeah, I can. However, I'm just friendly. But I don't, I can speak to guys like I probably can to females.

53:11Like I don't feel awkward. But I think sometimes that can come across as because some men think that if a woman speaks to them, they automatically want to jump into bed with them. Yep, yep. And I don't. So with this, where I would steer you is to look more so at emotional connection, period. So that could be platonic. That could be just simply talking to the other people in your swim group and meeting them for coffee. Because remember, here's the question. The question is, am I open to forming a meaningful emotional bond? You are. Does the idea still feel numb or forced? Right? So emotional connection is about your readiness and your willingness and your openness to form new connections with people.

54:07Doesn't have to be romantic. It could just be you're widening your social circle. You met Dave. He was not the person you would have selected. No. You know, not the person at all. And then you became friends first. That's the answer. It's that, you know, work on selecting great friends, establishing those emotional connections. That's the muscle I want you to build. Okay. Time and energy. Do you have the emotional and physical energy to invest in getting to know someone without feeling drained or resentful? So the best exercise here that I have for you is implement time blocking to schedule intentional me time for your hobbies, for your exercise, et cetera.

55:00So the whole idea here is, and one thing that I didn't realize, but you've said this a few times, is like you feel drained. because you're on the go, you're on the go, you're on the go. I often feel this way. But one thing that has helped me tremendously is blocking my schedule to literally block this is Paul self-care time. Now the question is when you do it, do you feel guilty? You deserve that time. And if you could begin to take that time and block it, and then you can take that time and block it and not feel any guilt, that is you protecting your time. That's you energizing yourself. And that's going to help you to feel more energized to be able to allocate to someone else.

55:57So that's my recommendation there. All right. So with all of these, you do all of these. you're one step on that journey. I want you to revisit the questions in the quiz. And once you are answering four to five of them, green, you're ready. You're ready. I'll leave you with this. Unless you have any other questions, I'll leave you with this. And that is the healing of loss. the best way I believe to honor those who we've lost is for us to reinvest in ourselves you know and I know for a fact I haven't met Dave but I already know he would want you to be doing these things because everything I've outlined you know what when you do it What happens to you?

56:57You become better. You become happier. You become healthier. You even become a better parent for Leo. You become a better example for him. Are these things that Dave would want? Absolutely. Is that honoring him? Absolutely. So you do those things, and what you'll do is you'll just realize, you know what, I actually feel really good. right now. I now feel ready. But that's the work that needs to be done. Thank you. Fair? Yeah. Very. Yeah, thank you. Alright, you got it. You got it. I have entire optimism for you. You know, you have the ability to do it. And I will do it. So, as we say in the States, the law is in your court.

57:48Thank you. Okay. Thank you, Heather. Thank you. I feel so grateful to Heather for sharing her story with us today and hope she quickly finds the peace and strength to move forward through these extremely difficult times using these new steps that she has taken from our conversation. Finally, I have the privilege of meeting Emily, a former Army sergeant who is adapting to life with a prosthetic leg after losing her own due to chronic pain. She is courageously navigating the complexities of dating and intimacy as she embarks on this new chapter of her life. And for this one, I brought in a special guest who many of my married at first sight family will know all too well.

58:35You don't want to miss this. So let's get to it. So what would you say that you most learned about relationships from the military? Dating wise, relationships in the military. I've had four relationships in my life. three have been with military men and I have been cheated on three times by them three military men you're in like a bubble and there's a lot of cheating that goes on if I'm honest that's put me off dating for a long time the military is a male dominant environment there's not obviously it's not equal females to males and you can't be friends with someone because the wives or husbands potentially could get jealous it like say I have quite a lot of male friends I just get on with males better than females, if I'm honest.

59:21But I used to have their wives or their girlfriends messaging me on social media, asking me what they're up to. And it was becoming very stressful. And sometimes they were doing bad things, but it wasn't my place to say. So not only did you experience this in terms of observations with other people, but then you experienced it as far as having boyfriends who were cheating on you. So did you have any healthy romantic relationship while you were in the military? No. Well, sorry, saying that, I was dating someone from when I was 16 until I was 18, and we got on well with the same age. And then our friends, so we were 18 at the time.

1:00:01They both got deployed to Afghanistan. My boyfriend's at the time, best friend, got killed. He was 18-year-old. And our relationship obviously just became rocky from that. No fault of his. So you were in the military, you said, For 12 years? Yeah, 12 years. Why did you leave the military? So I got medically discharged in August 2022 due to a leg injury I sustained in service. My life wasn't really worth living, if I'm honest. The limb, I felt like a burden to my friends and family. That's a profound statement. Yeah. My life wasn't worth living. Yeah. So at that moment, when you say your life wasn't worth living, you were consciously thinking this?

1:00:40Yeah, honestly, it was awful. That was a burden. I was stuck in, quite isolated. I didn't want to go out anywhere because I felt quite self-conscious of people looking at me like limping around. And I was only, well, I was like 29 then. And it was just awful. Everything was like, it was like, how I explain it, it was like a black cloud over me, if I'm honest. And I met a surgeon at James Cook Hospital in Middlesbrough, which is ex-military. I had my 10 years of medical documents with me from the full 10 years I was in chronic pain. and he said, he obviously knew my backstory and he said, look, Emily, I don't really need to look at this.

1:01:16You've brought the full evidence here. We've got two options. You carry on as you are or we amputate for a better quality of life. But there's a 50-50 % chance that you'll be still in the pain you're in now. With the procedure, with the amputation? With the amputation, so there was a risk. 50 % chance that I could still have the nerve damage, be in the same pain as I was. Oh, my goodness. But I took it. That 50 % chance was hope I never had. and I know it's still 50 % but luckily it worked out and I don't have any pain anymore so I told my friends and family and I had a lot of negative comments wow, would you want to chop your leg off?

1:01:53you're going to ruin your life my mum wasn't on board at first I'm very close to my mum they didn't think I was taking it seriously like you're having a limb chopped off at the end of the day which I understood it's my life, it's my body people can't feel the pain I was going through and I looked healthy that's the thing it looked fine but inside it wasn't um and that's why i had to try and convince people like i'm in agony here what was their concern with you being with with you uh having the amputation i think the concern was how i'd react after i lost my leg like if i was going to regret it like it's not going to grow back um or how i'm going to cope so i had the amputation on the 5th of May 2023.

1:02:37So I don't know how many months that is, maybe 17 months now post-op. So it's now at 30, I've got my life back. No pain. No pain. So 50 % worked out. Worked out. No regrets. No regrets. Just a few months before my amputation, I was like, there's no point to try to start a new relationship or talk to anyone and when, how am I going to explain in a couple of months I'm having my leg chopped off. It's hard when you first get to know someone anyway. So trying to say a look in a couple of months I'm having a leg amputated. You know, it's a big deal for anybody to accept. Sure. So I decided not to bother.

1:03:11And I haven't been on the dating scene since. Not talked to anyone at all. Not seen anyone. Not even been out on a date. Let's unpack that a little bit. Yeah. So you haven't talked to anyone. No. But have you been on the dating apps? I do have Tinder. But I just wanted to go on. And I put a picture of me on. Obviously, you can see my leg. I'm an amputated in a dress. A nice picture. And there's over a few. pictures of me on holiday, stood in the sea with my leg out so people can see through to look at my profile that I'm an amputee I just feel like do people want to date me because I'm disabled, do you know some guys say oh I want to date her or sleep with her because she's fat or I'm thinking in my own head do they just want to date me because of that, because there's something I don't know if you know of it but something called devotees, I learnt about it when I first became an amputee people seek out people that are disabled just because of the disability and it's big I get sleazy inboxes all the time do you yeah what do they say can you take your stump off and massage it for me so that happens quite a bit there's fake profiles do you know amputee lover or you get added and I'm quite um open on my social media I do have a YouTube channel but I haven't posted on there in a while to try and help other people that went through chronic pain and just talk about like the amputation process of having the staples removed and so that's the reason i created my youtube channel so you haven't dated no you currently live alone yeah but you'd like to be in a relationship yeah i feel like i want someone to create memories with since leaving the military i've been quite isolated as well like because in the military you're scattered everywhere i left home at 16 so i don't really have any many friends where i live so i've got quite a big family we all live in Whitby, which is great, but sometimes you want to spend time with other people.

1:05:03It would be good to have someone that pushes you to, like, achieve your goals and someone just to come home to or them to come home to you, you know, and just, like, spend time with and create memories. It's not all about the physical. It's just someone. Are you lonely? Well, yeah, I'd say I am. Do you believe that you were worthy to be loved? I think so. Like, I am a kind person. Romantically. Do you believe that you've ever had romantic love in your life? No, never. Ever? No, because they wouldn't cheat on me if they loved me, would they? Do you believe that love will happen for you? Since my amputation, I feel like me getting back out there is hard.

1:05:48In my head, I feel like I'm thinking, well, why would they want to date someone that's got a leg missing when they could date someone that's got two legs? This is a hard one. Yeah. This is very challenging. It is so challenging that not only do I want to give you some thoughts here, but I've brought in a special guest to give you some thoughts. Hi. Hi. You okay? Yeah. You? Yeah. I'm not going to talk to you. You're not? Yeah. Hi, guys. Hi. How are you? Good to see you. Good to see you. Hello, darling. How are you? You're not? No, no, thanks. I've got to make this one in there. I don't worry about that.

1:06:28Emily, do you know who this is? Yes. Emily! You know who this is. You've seen her before. Yeah, of course. I follow her on social media. So you are connected with Jay on social media? Yeah. What was it about Jay that gravitated you towards her? I just feel like Jay doesn't let it affect her. And I actually inboxed her when I first seen her on the TV saying, it's just so inspiring to see that. you don't let it like more like you embrace it kind of thing which is amazing and I need to do that and so that's why Jay it's so important for you to be here because I'd love for you to be able just to unpack I went on a show called Married at First Sire you get matched with a particular individual but you don't meet each other until you're at the end of the aisle and I specifically remember the feeling of if he turns around now and sees my arm and his face drops, I'm going to be gutted because that's the initial reaction that I don't want.

1:07:27You have all these different things that go on inside your head and even if I didn't have a disability, I probably still would have those feelings because it's not natural, is it, to marry somebody on the same day that you meet? But it surprisingly went really well when we hit it off, like I was on fire and, you know, we're not together now, but that's another story. But the experience in itself was amazing. I've learnt so much about myself. And I've been listening to your story, Emily, like behind the scenes, and everything that you've said I kind of resonate with because it has been the same for me as well within terms of, like, dating and things.

1:08:12Like, it is hard. But what I've learnt through that process is it's better to be vulnerable rather than having your walls up. I've learned to accept and love myself for who I am. And they always say, like, you've got to love yourself first, haven't you, before you can let anybody else love you. But how do you get to that point? Because I do see you, Jay, like, you show up confident, you know. Yeah. Like, you know, very confident, self-assured, knowing your self-worth. I would imagine it hasn't always been that way for you. No. So how did you get to that point? The way that you think about yourself and how you think that others perceive you.

1:08:48I used to think so negatively about myself I just might as well have just got rid of all that because that's not how people perceive you they look at you like as maybe an inspiration or you know in terms of they just look at you as you like everybody looks at me now and be like oh it's just Jay and people forget about it like my mum and my sister forget about it all the time they'll be like yeah we need you to solve these and I'm like wrong person to ask people and they're like oh yeah sorry I forgot just forget What about the fetishizing? Do whatever you want in your spare time, hon, do you know what I mean?

1:09:22If you like to do that, then that's entirely up to you. But some things, it's very inappropriate. So does that happen, you know, because I would imagine that sometimes you don't know because anyone who's fetishizing, you have lots of reasons why people fetishize. But do you think that's the majority on these dating apps or that's just the exception? No, it's not the majority. I won't say it's everyone. is it i don't know that's the thing how do you know if they really want to date you just for you perception i used to say like perception is 80 60 no perception is everything so we know fetishizing happens to all types of folks your concern is that you don't know whether or not someone is actually interested in you for you or interested in you because they're trying to objectify you based on your amputated leg.

1:10:14How do you distinguish between someone who's into you versus fetishizing? I think it's just asking the right questions. Okay. Like, I'm very to the point anyway, and I'm very straight up, but if I feel like something is... Maybe sometimes the way that they talk to you, like, they'll ask a specific question, you're like, hang on a minute, what do you mean by that? Personally, I would just ask it out as it is, and then you know that you've got your answer, do you know what I mean? Because I'd rather you be honest. How would you ask that question? I wouldn't necessarily ask the question until you've actually met them.

1:10:46Okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So I'm with this, right? I think that part of the challenge with dating apps for everyone is everyone has this question that you have, Emily. And that is, are you really into me for something real? Or is it because you just want sex tonight? Whatever it may be, we don't know. But that's the reason why going on the date is so important. But I think there's some vetting that you can do before you get on the date, right? One of them is how many open-ended questions am I getting from them opposed to just yes or no? Because an open-ended means that I actually have to think.

1:11:26But if I'm asking you specifically, you know, what do you enjoy doing the most? That's open-ended. That requires there to be some thought on my end given the information that you're giving me. So that's one kind of cue is you look for this. The other is how obsessed are they in terms of their questioning around whatever it is. Tell me about how do you get your foot amputated? Like send me, was the person send me a video of you massaging it, right? That is a clear indicator because you know there is a recession. Yeah. But then once you move to the date, and this is for everyone, is I always say you draw whatever boundary that you need to.

1:12:12And the moment that someone pushes to cross your boundary, that's the moment where you know they're not worthy of me. Because anyone who's truly into you, they'll respect the boundary. They'll say, oh, okay, Emily said, you know, don't ask me about this anymore or don't talk about this. Then I'm not going to do it. And if they keep trying to edge you and edge you and edge you to cross that boundary, that's how you know that's an issue. Right. But you don't know that until you are. On the day. It's not that just going on the day. It's a big problem for me. It's more like being vulnerable, like seeing me in the house when I have my leg off in my wheelchair downstairs.

1:12:52And on a night I'll crawl up my stairs or I'm hopping when I'm getting out of bed in the middle of the night because I don't want to put my leg on. and I haven't obviously done anything sexually with anyone since my amputation, so it's what can I do in the bedroom? And I think it's hard anyway when you're first out dating someone. It's awkward. Never mind having a leg missing. I'm not going to be able to do half the stuff I could do before. No one talks about it and it's awkward to talk about. I don't really talk about stuff like this ever and I feel like that's the main thing for me. The date's fine, but it's going past that.

1:13:27I like it. So let's talk about that because what you're talking now is you're in this, what I consider to be self-belief zone of I don't even believe this could happen. So therefore, it's not going to happen. So let's talk about like the practicality of it. What I believe with all of my heart is that there is a lot of ignorant people out here for what Carol DeWick in her book Mindset says is they're closed-minded. The closed-minded person, you're right. That poll that you talked about on Instagram, the closed-minded person is going to say, oh, I wouldn't want to do it. But the open-minded person, who, by the way, is the only person who's going to have a successful relationship is the open-minded person.

1:14:10That person is going to say, let's go on a date. Let me see what you're all about. Let me learn about this military career. Let me learn about you. and then as they learn about you and you learn about them what ends up happening is is that you then become emotionally intimate you then become safe and once you become safe and you're emotionally intimate you could talk about anything and you could talk about everything yeah and you could talk about we haven't had sex yet how are we going to make this happen what are we going to do right And Dr. Karen Gurney, who is a guest here, who is one of the top sex therapists in the world, said that the best sex comes as a result of what?

1:14:55Talking. The best communication. When you're asking these questions and things and you're meeting these people that you've never met before, like in past relationships, I used to think like that all the time. I'm like, they're not going to find me attractive at all. They're not even going to want to, you know, have sex with me. You know, they're just not going to find me attractive because they can get somebody that's got two limbs. However, that's not the case because you could have two different people, one that, you know, has got two arms, two legs and somebody that is in our position and they might get on with us a hell of a lot more with our personality and everything.

1:15:34They're more intrigued by us, you know, compared to the other person. So it's all difference, isn't it, about personal preference and things. And it's who you're going to get on with the most. Like people that I've been with previously, they just forget about it. And it doesn't bother them at all. You get to know the person first. And if they're not willing to be intimate with you or whatever, and it's all about looks for them, they're not worth it anyway. Not worth your time. You mentioned that you have a challenge around anxiety. Yeah. Now, you know what anxiety is when you break it down? Being uncomfortable.

1:16:08In the future. Okay. That's the key. Yeah, well, yeah. Because half the things I'm anxious about haven't even happened. It's what, like if, what if. Yeah. So you have a fear of being uncomfortable in a scenario that has not even happened yet. Get comfortable just with the idea of how you feel in the moment. Don't think about the conversation around sex. just think about I want to be able to meet someone who I can have a conversation with who I enjoy the conversation because I may not even enjoy their conversation yeah right that should be the first step and what I believe is that once you get to that step then the next step becomes okay now that we can trade conversation back and forth do we have the same values so once you start talking about values you have these conversations and now you've met each other you You know that he shows up on time.

1:17:03He means what he says. He's mature. All of a sudden, you feel safe with him. You are much less anxious about what is going to happen in the future because now you feel safe. And how you build the self-confidence muscle is you make small decisions. Like, okay, I have 6 ,000 people who swiped on me. What I'm going to do is I'm going to select three. In the next two months, I'm going to go out on a date with three of these people. Right? Small, simple, actionable step. And in the date, I'm not even thinking about a second date. I just want to go just to experience it because I haven't been on a date in two years.

1:17:39I don't even know if I've ever been on a date. Ever? No, because the guys that I was in a relationship with, I already knew them because we worked together. So that's a bit awkward. I don't drink either. Very rarely. Don't eat sober drink. You don't. I know, but I'm not like, go for a coffee. Exactly. That's a better date. Yeah. And sober dating actually is one of the hottest trends in dating right now. If you ask someone to go on a date and meet them for coffee, or you go on a date and you say, I don't drink, and they have a problem with it, what do you say to them? Well, there's no place to carry in this.

1:18:12Yeah. One thing definitely that's clear, I think, for you, Emily, is that you have to draw boundaries, and you have to be confident that you will uphold to your boundaries a coffee date. A lot of people will say no to the coffee date, but that's your boundary is a coffee date. if you hold to that don't you feel confident that you'll feel more comfortable if if they know ahead of time that you're not drinking yeah i suppose someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know you is going to say all right i'll deal with that that boundary because i want to get to know you what would be your your top concern once you're on the date everybody looking like knowing it was the first day or something i just care what people think okay and i hate it when someone doesn't like me because I know I'm a nice person.

1:19:00Okay. So now let's investigate those two things. So you said everyone looking. So you're talking about the people in the... Wherever, yeah. I always feel, and I know it's like an anxious thing again, they'll probably think, well, why is he with her? Because she's got a leg missing or something. And that's, it's just me. I used to think that. Well, why is he dating her when he dates someone with two legs? Do you know? How did you resolve that? Day by day, like little by little, just, you know, be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yes. And then the shift happens, and I don't know when it did happen for me, like it was quite a couple of years ago, but it's all about meeting the right person, and I know it takes time, and I'm not going to lie and sit here and say, like, it's all sunshine and rainbows, because it's not.

1:19:46Yeah. But there's a lot of admin involved, but you're not going to find that person if you don't do the admin. If you're on that date and that person makes you feel safe, which I always say there's two things that you should look for on a first date. You should look for someone who's actively listening to you, and then there should be mutual physical attraction. If there's that, they're actively listening, there's mutual physical attraction, then you'll go on another date with that person. Or you'll go on another first date with someone. The more that you're doing this, the more that you're going to realize, you know what?

1:20:28The question isn't whether or not people are looking at us to see why is he with her? The question is, why is she with him? Yeah. You know what I mean? And that's the shift. That's the shift. Yeah. But it will take you going through that several times because you build up your self-confidence and then you build up your self-belief. And your circle also helps tremendously. Yeah. And I think this even speaks to the loneliness that you said that you felt. Yeah. I don't have that. Sorry. I don't have that like circular friends. Mine are all online now. We've obviously been around for 12 years, different places.

1:21:10So it's hard. Like it's only my family where I live. And obviously everyone's scattered all around the UK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think this is a key piece because it's hard to get to any of that unless you have a strong circle of people who are inspiring you or you're aspiring to be like them. So let's talk about that piece for a little bit. Community-wise, because you do have a strong community, how did you build it, though, outside of your family? Outside of my family, it was mainly like growing up at school and things, but I've met friends along the way that I'm still really close to now that I didn't grow up with when I was a child, and I'm still really close with them now, but that's just meeting them, like, through my other friends, so it could be a friend of a friend, or it's just...

1:22:03I'm quite confident anyway, and I do like to go out, but not just to drink, but just to socialise as well. Like, there's quite a couple of people that I know that don't drink at all, but they still go out but they just don't they just don't drink it's just for the social side of it because now everything is online it is more difficult to actually meet these people like face to face I mean if you've got an online community I get it but it's not interacting like with a human do you know what I mean it's over an app it's over a phone and that's another thing with the dating situation as well but I found like the more that you go and push yourself that little bit.

1:22:45Even if you're talking to somebody that's within your area through on social media or whatever, go and meet them for a coffee. And that'll help you with the dating situation as well. So even if you did it from a friend's perspective, have a little bit of a community within your area, go meet that somebody for a coffee and see if you can create a friendship that way. But then that'll also give you the confidence to go out and meet men. Our circle, people say, I think it's a Jim Rohn quote where we're the average of the five people we spend the most time with. And if you're not spending time with people, then you end up just plateauing out.

1:23:25You know, there's no growth. But the stronger the people are that you surround yourself with, right? And that's why I always say, you know, and I always say this with dating too, is people are like, you know, Paul, I want you to meet this person that I'm dating. I said, no, no, introduce me to the person you're dating's friends. Because now I'll know who you really are based on the people that you surround, based on the people that you tolerate. Again, with the online, you've got a big following, haven't you, on social media as well? You've got your online community. But if it were me, and this is just me personally speaking, if that was my situation, I would speak to people online in terms of a friendship first and then go and push my boundaries and meet up with a friend for a coffee or if you've been speaking to somebody within your online community for quite a while meet them and then that will give you the confidence little by little it won't happen overnight but it will help for the future interactions that you've got with especially dating and then you never know along the way you might meet somebody in a coffee shop when you're sat there with a friend and then you start off a conversation and you've got the vibe there.

1:24:38It can happen that way. It doesn't all have to start with online. I love the fact that Jay is saying tap into this online community but do it offline. Because I'm with you. There's so much online interaction that we're missing just this, just the opportunity to sit across from one another. So that's one. Second thing is connecting to the fetishizing and a little bit around the belief is I think in setting boundaries is very important. And that'll help to reduce your anxiety. So to know ahead of time what your boundaries are and just know you're going to hold to it. We're not going to meet at a bar.

1:25:21There won't be, just so you know, I don't drink. You know, tell them ahead of time, right? and know that if someone can't hold to your boundary and they try to push you, that was not a person that was right for you anyway. When is the last time you had a conversation like this? I don't think I've ever had a conversation like this. That's what I was thinking. Think of how would your life change if you start having discussions like this often? I think it would help a lot of people as well as me. I feel like people don't talk about, like, touchy subjects or hard subjects. And the moment that we open up, as you did today, it creates what Jay has said that you need, and that is vulnerability.

1:26:05Yeah, definitely. Yeah. So this is such a large step for you in opening up you and being vulnerable and being willing to change, because that's ultimately what vulnerability does. Yeah. And you will change as a – specifically as a result of this conversation. The homework is going to be we want to know about this event. Yeah. Right. This is – that's one. Also, in creating boundaries, just select a handful that have swiped that you, you know, kind of like the photos. you know, you feel like the profile is decent and set your boundaries and reach out to them. Yeah, I'll do that. Okay. We're going to follow up on this homework.

1:26:56That's fine. Okay. Yeah. And I look forward to the update on all of those tasks. It's been lovely chatting to Emily and I'm so grateful to Jay for sharing her experiences and advice. I truly believe that consistently taking small, actionable steps to move outside of one's comfort zone is key to overcoming loneliness and finding meaningful connections in life. Now, I want to thank all of our guests for their true courage in coming into our studio to share their deeply personal stories. I can't wait to catch up with them in the future to see how they're getting on with their new steps to move forward into the new year.

1:27:37I, too, have learned from our conversations. And as always, here are my takeaways from today's show. First, being open to help and brave enough to ask for it. It's a strength, not a weakness. Each of our guests today demonstrated this by coming on the show, sharing their stories and seeking insight and guidance. It's a reminder that no one achieves growth or success alone. Asking for help creates connection, invites perspective, and opens doors to solutions you may not see on your own. If they can take that first step, so can you. It all starts with being open to saying, I need help. Next, true strength lies in allowing yourself to be seen, flaws, fears, and all.

1:28:21Being vulnerable isn't about a weakness. It's about honesty. It's how we create deeper connections, foster understanding, and open the door to personal growth. When you embrace vulnerability, you give others permission to do the same, building trust and authenticity in relationships. The guests on this show exemplify that by sharing their truths, showing that vulnerability isn't a risk. It's a gateway to transformation and resilience. Embrace it and watch how your world begins to shift. And last, feeling alone, whether in your struggles or in life in general, can be deeply overwhelming, but it's often not the full reality.

1:29:02Many people who watch We Need to Talk have reached out to me to share that they've experienced similar feelings of loneliness and isolation. This is a powerful reminder that even when life feels solitary, there are countless others who understand and relate. Connection begins when we acknowledge these shared experiences and take steps to reach out. If you're feeling this way, remember to follow the actions and steps I've discussed with each of the three guests today. They are practical ways to move forward and find your community. And that's it. I'd like to thank you all, our viewers, for coming to watch this today.

1:29:40And please, if you get a second, drop us a comment to let us know what you thought of the conversations and how you think this advice may help you in your own lives moving forward into the new year. Also, don't forget to keep an eye on our social pages linked below, where we will be inviting more of you to come into the studio to share your stories in future episodes. And one last thing, don't forget, 9 in 10 of you are not subscribed yet. So if you can, hit that subscribe button to get all of our latest content. I can't wait to see you all in the next one, and I wish you all peace and love for the new year.

1:30:39a new lifelong friend. Sometimes it's just about enjoying the moment and sharing an experience with someone new. Tinder is a place for all types of relationships, whether you're looking for love, friendship, or simply a great date. It's designed to help you explore every possibility. Dating isn't about success or failure. It's about the journey. So take the pressure off, open your mind, and embrace the adventure. Wherever it takes you, it starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today and see where your next connection might lead.