"I Didn't Think I'd Ever Be Ready to Love Again" ...We're Talking Love After Loss

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0:42Now, when I first sat down with her, she was in the very early stages of grief after losing her partner, Dave, so suddenly. She was trying to stay strong for her son, Leo, feeling numb, guilty about everything she was going through, including dating again, and unsure of who she was outside of being a mother. We're going to hear part of that conversation now. And then afterwards, we'll catch up with Heather one year on to see how she's been, what's changed and what she's learned.

1:24Why are you here? My partner passed away unexpectedly. I feel like mainly guilt about how do I move on with my life. I feel quite empty, quite detached from feelings. You're not experiencing any joy? Not really. My son, I adore my son. He's my life and world. But personally, no, not really. Can we go back to right before Dave? Yeah. So when you think about your relationship history, Yeah. Were they long relationships, short-term relationships? I haven't had any over three years since I had my son. He's been my main focus. My son doesn't see his dad. So to let somebody into our space is a real big thing today.

2:11To let somebody meet your child is a huge thing to me. That's massive. Yeah, yeah. So I, Leo, is and always will be my priority. Do you feel like the relationships you had prior to Dave were with men that you wouldn't put in the good guy category? Yeah. Okay, so that was the common theme. Why do you believe that was a trend? Because I hadn't ever really got any attention. When I started to get it, good or bad, I wanted up on it, or should I say? or maybe my lack of confidence is why I, you know, sort of getting into these relationships, my lack of, at the time, maybe more. I think I've grown a little bit more, but the lack of kind of self-worth, how I felt about myself, maybe not good enough.

2:58I put with things that, when I'm now 43, that I wouldn't dream of putting up with. So was Dave, did you feel like Dave was different than... Very different. Very different than all these guys. He couldn't have been any more different. friendly, easygoing, laid back, looked different to my stereotypical guy that I probably would have gone for before. I found it really interesting to talk to and I like being around people like that that can encourage me, inspire me. So we became friends initially, which again, I've never done that before. So you were friends first? Yes. I like that. And then you felt so comfortable with Dave you introduced Leo to Dave yeah and that that was very natural Leo really took to Dave do you think he was was he almost like a father he was a father figure and how did you feel to see Leo finally have a father in his life he loved he loved it and that's all I've ever want it for Leo but you can't just get with a guy because so he can be a father to a child you know that's not right either so it's it's knowing it's it's got to be right hasn't it for me and then then you've got to see how things go with your child yes you're finally in a relationship your son loves this this man Dave uh you're talking about building a life together a child a home, right?

4:37What happens to Dave? It was a Friday morning and I was at work. I could see his mum calling. They loved doing Sunday lunch and things together, so I thought, oh, she'll be calling to invite Leo and I to Sunday lunch. And she said, it's Dave, he's died. And I guess you just can't believe that when someone told you that. How did you tell your son? Oh, it's the worst. oh it's the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life like breaking your child's heart you never want to do that and you never want to see them hurting like that bringing yourself to say it and then that's also accepting that's actually happened so you know you say something out loud it's real then so not only did I have to say it out loud I had to say it to my boy thank you for sharing that I know how challenging it is to talk about someone you love passing so a big question I'm sure in your mind is are you ready to be dating now if you if a relationship's ended it's usually because like either there's one of two things you've ended it because you've realized you don't want to be with that person or they've ended it so when that person has been taken away it's a very different experience what you have faced is severe trauma to your point it's another level and severe trauma creates a more severe reaction because ultimately what you're doing is is you now as a result of the trauma you are now seeing and operating in the world differently have you because i know that one of the one of the topics she wanted to talk about was am I ready to date right have you already tried to start dating yeah you have okay and how is that going so many feelings of

6:40guilt is it to assume what a lovely guy this is however the fit those feet where are my feelings that isn't the right person? Or is that because I'm so numb? So the question is a powerful question. This is one that does come up quite a bit. And there is an exercise that I've put together that I would love to do with you if you're open. Of course. Are you open? Yeah, I'm open. See this? We have a green card. We have a red card. Then we have a yellow card. Okay, so I want you to hold on to these. Thank you. All right. So this is my green light readiness quiz. So the whole idea around this quiz is to help you determine if you're ready to date.

7:29If you date too soon, what could happen? You could be across from a great guy and you could push them away. Or the opposite could happen. You could be across from a terrible person, but your need and desire to be with someone allows them into your life. I'm going to ask you a question. And if the answer is yes, that is going to be a green card. So you show me that green card. If the answer is on occasion or sometimes, that's a yellow card. If the answer is never, never, that's a red card. The first question is, can I think about Dave without overwhelming sadness or anger?

8:29Yeah, it's not overwhelming anymore. Okay. All right. That's fair. That's fair. second do i feel like dating would be honoring dave rather than betraying dave

8:51okay let's talk about that for a second so you feel like it would be like like cheating because none of us ended it that's a good analysis okay let's keep going number three do I have a sense of who I am as an individual outside of being a parent to Leo and a grieving partner to Dave? Okay. And give me your, because you were right on that. Probably since I had Leo, I probably lost myself. And I don't think I've ever got that back. Next question. Am I open to forming a meaningful emotional bond with someone new, or does the idea still feel numb or forced? That's what I would have answered for you as well.

9:51And why do you say that? So the first part of your question, I am open to it, absolutely, and I want to. However, the numbness is very real. Yes. Yes. Okay. You know, so Heather, I'm so glad that we did this. Yeah, that was really, yeah. Because without question, without question, the results of this are clear. You're not ready. Okay, now, I want to unpack these questions a bit. The best gift I can give you is to give you some actions. Because one thing I can already tell is that you don't need anyone. You want someone, but you don't need anyone. And the only way you get to that is by being someone who has worked hard in their life.

10:45and so I believe that when I give you these actions you're going to be able to to go out and do this but before we even do that let me ask you how does it feel for me to tell you that I I don't think you're you're ready oh a little bit a little bit hard they always want to hear it do you even though it's you're right yeah I totally agree right and I think that's the beauty of this particular exercise is because I'm going to outline what you can do. Because what so many of us do is feel like, okay, I have to do something. So let me just go start dating. But dating, it turns out, might not be the best use of your time and energy for you.

11:29Because you were honest with those answers, which is the first step. Now we can actually get the work done. Okay. So the emotional stability gave a green, green. All right. So we're good there. The second question, when I said, do you feel like dating is honoring or betraying him? This is around guilt. A couple of things you could do. One is I always say, write a letter. Letters are so powerful. Write a letter to Dave explaining how dating allies with your new desire to live fully. And at the same time, you're going to cherish his memory. And then whenever these feelings of guilt begin to creep in, because guilt will creep in, you know what you do?

12:15You just reflect on the letter. That's really good. I think I, because I felt so closed and probably maybe detached, I've almost stopped myself from doing anything like that because I will find it because it's opening up, isn't it? It's opening up. It's feeling things that I know I need to feel to process, but I don't do it because it hurts, I suppose. Yes. But you know why I think that activity in particular will be so great for you is because you are so honest. Yeah. So you'll put all of those emotions and feelings into that letter and when you reflect back on it, it's like you're having a conversation with him.

12:59Next up, I asked you about, do you have a sense of who you are as an individual outside of being a parent to Leo and a partner to Dave? And you said, no. This is about self-identity. And the reason why this is so important is because when you're entering a relationship with someone, if you don't have your own identity, you will become dependent on the identity of the relationship or the partner so you want to have your own identity and oftentimes when we become parents when we enter relationships we lose that identity you've admitted to this yeah i i i come up like if someone says what are your hobbies I haven't got any because I go to work and I'm lucky I enjoy my job but I'm lucky but I did go to work and I'd be a mum now it's so interesting that you said I have no hobbies because what do you think I'm going to suggest to you?

14:01Find a hobby what is one thing right now that you can identify that you have a passion around especially maybe that you had as a little girl that you haven't ever pursued? I've done lots of boot camps and things over the years prior to Leo. And I did used to really, I do enjoy things like that. Okay. Or I say do, did. Did. So how about we change it to do. You're on this long journey, okay? The journey is actually never ending. And opposed to, I think, a lot of information comes out, you need to be at the end of the journey you need to be done now i want everything to be fixed and and you go heather you're fine we've we've done all the you know all the green cards here heather have these vitamins that i take that you know it doesn't work no i know we we know it doesn't work that way so instead i want you to imagine this journey that you're going that you're that you're on and all we're doing today is we're talking about the first step that's it and my only promise is that if you make that first step by doing all of these, the next step is going to be a little bit easier.

15:18And then if you make two steps in, you know what? The third step is going to be easier. You could definitely do the third step. And by the time you're four, five, six steps in, you're going to look and say, oh my God, I think I'm halfway through this. That's how it works. Next, are you open to forming a meaningful connection with someone new? Or does the idea still feel numb or forced? You said you're open to the connection, but you still feel numb. Yeah. All right. So what I would love for you to do is start with low stakes social interactions, like meeting friends for coffee, joining a book club, attending a fitness group.

16:03What these things do, and you can combine this with the hobby. But the idea is to reduce the anxiety around meeting people, right? When we are in relationships that are super, super, super loving, we can cocoon ourselves. And we stop having all the, or we slow down on the interactions that we normally have. and so this is your opportunity to just begin to flex your charm and your charisma and your small talk which is a skill i do feel like i can like talk to anyone like i do i can you probably i think you can too yeah i can however i'm just friendly but i don't i i can speak to guys i I probably can to the female.

17:01It's like I don't feel awkward. But I think sometimes that can come across as because some men think that if a woman speaks to them, they automatically want to jump into bed with them. Yep, yep. And I don't. So with this, where I would steer you is to look more so at emotional connection, period. So that could be platonic. That could be just simply talking to the other people in your swim group. You met Dave. He was not the person you would have selected. No. You know, not the person at all. And then you became friends first. That's the answer. It's that, you know, work on selecting great friends.

17:54establishing those emotional connections. That's the muscle I want you to build. Okay? So with all of these, you do all of these, you're one step on that journey. I want you to revisit the questions in the quiz. And once you are answering four to five of them, green, you're ready. You're ready. I'll leave you with this unless you have any other questions I'll leave you with this and that is the healing the loss the best way I believe to honor those who we've lost is for us to reinvest in ourselves you know and I know for a fact I haven't met Dave but I already know he would want you to be doing these things because everything I've outlined on you know what when you do it what happens to you you become better you become happier i now feel ready but that's the work that needs to be done thank you fair yeah very yeah thank you all right you got it you got it as we say in the states the ball is in your court thank you Thank you, Heather.

19:17Thank you. It's now been one year since that first conversation, and Heather is back. This message may be shocking to many millennials. If you are one, you might want to sit down. Right now, loads of people are searching the following on Depop. Low-rise jeans, halter top, velour tracksuit, puka shell necklace, disc belt. You likely placed these in the dark of your closet in 2004, never to be seen again. But if you can find it in yourself to dust them off, there are a lot of people who will give you money for them. Sell on Depop, where taste recognizes taste. Toast the holidays in a new way and raise a glass of rum chata.

20:01A delicious, creamy blend of horchata with rum. Enjoy it over ice or in your coffee. Rum chata. Your holiday cocktails just got sweeter. Tap or click the banner for more. Drink responsibly. Caribbean rum with real dairy cream, natural and artificial flavors. Alcohol 13.75 % by volume, 27.5 proof. Copyright 2025 Agave Loco Brands, Powaukee, Wisconsin. All rights reserved. I'm back. Hello. Hi. Hi, hi, hi. All right. So now, Heather, it has been one year since our last conversation, and I'm dying to know. I truly, truly, truly need to know. How are you doing when you're on? I would say I am I would use the word good I would say I am good and I never thought when I saw you last that I would be able to say that I am good a year later wow I didn't see that and the questions that you asked made me address things that I was probably keeping inside but hadn't said out loud and you don't realize how powerful it is to say those things out loud to somebody.

21:11These conversations, when you're able to sit and have someone, I think, hold space for you, you're able to just relinquish, as you're saying, that weight and leave lighter. And I think with that lightness, then you're able to do things that you weren't able to do previously. So I gave you a lot from those exercises. Which ones did you do and what were the results of doing them? so the first one I did was the letter I did delay it for quite a while because I thought it would initially bring up so much emotion I wasn't sure when the time would was right to do it and I I needed it to be the right time Leo and I went on holiday in the February went to Egypt and there was one day and Leo had gone back to the room for half an hour and there was a pool below the room and I just sat there and I just thought there's there's some paper and a pen in the hotel room that I'm oh I'm going to go and get it I'm going to do that letter and I went straight upstairs took it straight back down to the sun lounger and then I couldn't stop writing wow look at that look at that the weight of a lot of things that I carried that I shared with Dave were in that letter and it's just I felt lighter to put that down on paper and then it's out of your head a little bit and it leaves space for other things that's exactly it it allows you carrying my head for two and a half years now precisely Heather precisely also when we last spoke uh which was a year ago i can't believe it was a year ago um and heather by the way you're aging backwards you're aging backwards oh i hope so you are you are you're aging backwards you have to remember i was probably like quite a wreck last time so you know you you look fabulous you look fabulous right now sounds like you had a great holiday so it sounds like leo how's leo doing he's doing good thank you he's yeah he's he's doing really good how has the year been for you um not just personally but also heather how has it been for you romantically it's been good i'm not dating anyone currently okay however i have um i have dated i have dated somebody um and I have been on dates and I've I can say I've enjoyed I've enjoyed it and I never again I never thought I thought when I last spoke to you I think I was in a place where I would the whole comparison and they're not going to be dating and comparing and I couldn't get past that I couldn't see past that at really at all um and I probably was still maybe quite angry and so yeah I think I've yeah I've had I'm enjoying dating Paul can I say that this is good you can say that you can say that this is good and I know that's okay I I know that's okay to do I have I don't feel that guilt And yeah, I don't.

24:41You know, so there was a question that I also asked you previously where I said, do you feel like dating would be honoring Dave rather than betraying Dave? Yeah, I don't feel like I'm betraying him. Absolutely not. See, look at that. Look at that. I love it. What I believe happened when you came, just you accepting coming in to We Need to Talk last year, you were beginning to acknowledge that you needed to change things and you needed to put yourself first, which is very, very hard to do. I don't think, you might not believe this, but I don't think I would have listened to anyone but you. Oh, wow.

25:23Because of the mental health nursing and, you know, we've all tried counselling years ago and things like that. And no disrespect to anyone that works in counselling or mental health, but as a mental health nurse, you often, within reason, I've said a lot of those things to my patients that I've worked with over the years. because I've always like your approach and how you are and how you make people think differently because it was you say this is generally because it was you saying it well if it's Paul telling me then absolutely whereas because even if you said three out of five things that colleagues as our friends have said you know therapists have said it's almost like people in that field i know they're going to say that because i've said it to people you see what i don't know if that makes sense but you know so you're you're teaching me something right now and that is perhaps one of the first steps is to identify the person or the entity that you actually you're willing to listen to you know maybe maybe that's part of the first Yeah, sorry to interrupt.

26:40I think a lot of people, I, you don't, I think people who have been in this situation, they, you want, they almost need people that have been in similar situations to help support them because we're all in a club that we don't want to be in. I will say this is I can't imagine how challenging it was for you to come in and have that initial conversation with me a year ago. But I know in the difficulty that you've had just going back to watch it. And even when I went back to watch it, I thought, wow, look at the place that that that Heather is in. And it did to your point. It felt like you were trying to just survive the next day.

27:26but in a year's time what you've done is you've moved from a place of just survival to thriving and that and that needs to be applauded you've done the work uh and i'm so proud of you i'm so happy for leo and his future and i can't wait to see you know your next chapter i can't wait to see what happens in the next year you look at how good this year was the next year is going to be even more incredible. And thank you so much for like, you know, for your help. And I'll forever be grateful because honestly, I needed it so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So we might have to do this every year.

28:05Yeah, that's it. Same time next year. I'll see you. Same time next year. All right. Done. Thank you. Thank you so much, Heather. This was so great to catch up with Heather. what has really put a smile on my face is that she feels as if it was this conversation that we had one year ago that's changed her life, right? It's allowed her to open up and live in a more healthy way, but also allowed her to parent her son in a much better way. And so I am just, literally, I'm smiling from cheek to cheek, and I cannot wait to see Heather's next year, and I cannot wait to see her son Leo's next year. So a question that we get all of the time is if we're going to have more of you here in the studio.

28:48And the answer is yes, if you hit subscribe, if you like, if you comment. That way we'll know exactly that this is the type of conversation that you want to hear more of. So please like, comment, and subscribe.

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