“I Was Crying In The Shower!” | We're Talking Strictly Come Dancing

0:00Welcome to We're Talking, where we're exploring the world of ballroom. It's that time of year again where Strictly takes over our screens. And in honor of all the shimmies and the one-two steps, we've brought you the stories of three Strictly mainstays. Karen Hauer, Oti Mabuse, and Ashley Roberts. If you enjoy these conversations and want to keep in the loop about new episodes, make sure to follow the show. Without further ado, we're talking Strictly.

0:41everyone talks about the strictly curse yeah what is the strictly curse so usually it happens when when i think people come together and they spend a lot of time together and they just end up having a relationship but over the years it has definitely redefined what that looks like And I think people don't even bring it up anymore in a negative connotation because we have couples like Gemma and Gorka who now are married and they have two kids and they have a happy life together. We have Alias and Jeanette who are a couple. He left the show and now he's back together. And they portray what a family couple is on Strictly, Diane and Joe.

1:30So it's when two strangers come together in the room and have a relationship. But it's over the years, in my opinion, it has definitely redefined itself. Yeah, I think the examples of what you did, not really the curse. The curse is when you end up another relationship. Yeah. You start a new one, which is not very positive. I think it's a little bit more goes to the roots of that problem, which is if you're not stable enough in your own relationship. Obviously, like I said before, like for us, it happens through dancing. It happens faster, but it will eventually happen. So it's not going to be the strictly curse.

2:09It's going to be going to the library curse. Yes. Or going to the shop curse, which will take probably a few months, not a few dances. You know what I mean? Exactly. Because this is the highway. The dancing is the highway of the relationship. And the other one is the normal 20 miles per hour zone. It takes a bit longer, but the curse is there. If you want it, you get it. Yeah. I love it. Go into the grocery store curse. It's like, you're right. But you're right. If you spend a long time with someone, it could possibly happen. Yeah. I mean, in psychology, you know, we have what's called the mere exposure effect, the self-expansion, the law of propinquity.

2:48all of these essentially state that the longer that you're with someone, the more familiar you become with that person. The more familiar you become, the safer you become, the more you're willing to emotionally open up and trust. And if you have an unstable relationship somewhere else, and all of a sudden now you can trust someone, of course it moves over. So this is, I agree with you, this happens in all aspects of our life. And this is the reason why it's so important to focus or what's happening at home. Yeah. Yes. And that's why love is in the first place. That's why love is in the first place.

3:23Because that's closer to you. Career is a bit farther away from you. You asked us, why are we together? I think the question is, the answer is, we're so similar in the way we think, the way we approach situations, and how driven we are. And that is one thing that I loved about Morris is that he's not just a Latin dancer. You know, he's an entrepreneur. We have property companies. He's an investor. So he's not just, this is the only thing I'm going to do. He just opens his brain like that. And I'm the same. Morris was there for me a lot when I had the tough moments. I think I had a celeb who I just couldn't get to love the job as much as I wanted, you know, as much as I desired.

4:13I think the end goal for the two of us was not the same. And there was one moment where he found me in our apartment and I was in the shower and I was crying with my clothes still on. I just walked into the shower and then sat down, water on, crying on the floor. Because I was like, if I don't get this right,

4:38I think in my head it felt I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough in my job. All of this pressure that I have, I'm representing black women. I'm representing African women. And I'm like, all of that, I stand for so much. If I can't get this job done, I'm not good enough. I don't deserve to be here. That was like, for me, the lowest moment. And in that moment, he came in and he got in the shower, fully clothed, and he picked me up and he just hugged me and held me. And like he said, it's just a job. It's just a job. You have family. You have friends. You have me and you have food.

5:36Strictly began, was it 2000? Was it four? Probably. Yeah. So from the beginning of Strictly through to this day, I have tracked 18 people. 18 who have changed their relationship as a result you can tie it back to their time on strictly okay you can even technically put your ex in that category okay what is your take on the strictly curse?

6:19It is a very close proximity. You're, you know, in detail, being very gentle with someone else. You know, and understanding them, listening to them. I want to know how you learn. You know, a lot of people get to get, you know, be in that moment with someone that's actually going, you know me. Yes. I have to know you because I need you to be your true self. I need you to open your mind so we can, I need to learn how you learn so I can teach you better. I need to learn everything that you do, any things that you like that you don't like, things that you feel comfortable with that you don't feel comfortable with.

7:12So you're literally learning about this person inside out. Yes, which is an emotional connection. And it's the deepest level of emotional connection. And then, you know, you confuse things at times, I think. I think sometimes when you're moving sexy around someone, you know, it's movement. If I'm moving my hips from right to left, it's pendulum action. I'm not actually trying to be sexy with you. This is just the rhythm of my body that I'm creating. So whether you fall in love with the movement, seeing someone move so sexy, and obviously, you know, if there's problems at home, if there's, you know, you feel down, but when I come to you and I make you feel happy, it's all in a bubble.

8:04This is all make-believe. I am teaching you at the end of the day. Yes. This is for a show. This is acting. This is movement. This is a performance. So whether two people take that in a completely different way, and there's attractions. I mean, I've not experienced that. I take my job. I close everything up. Whether you're really good looking, I don't see your physique. I see your brain. How am I going to teach you how to dance? And then also when you start like learning about someone, you start getting to know someone, you're like, absolutely not. I would never. I would never, never. You know what?

8:51Because when you see someone like, oh, they're so good looking. And I'm like, no, this is different. Yeah. But it happens. Because, and you know what? It happens everywhere. And that's fine. But obviously because it's such a massive show, it's become so ingrained in everyone's brain well you're dancing with that one well be careful but you know what and and and it's life's part of being human it's part of being a part of life you know the attraction and um but as long as it doesn't hurt anybody and that's what's hard you know because you don't hear about this when it happens in you know in somebody else's company But when it happens on our show, I think you've just hit the trifecta of why it does happen.

9:45And that is, as you talked about, the emotional connection that's formed, which typically doesn't fully form in relationships. There's always a lower level of emotional connection. But in order to dance with someone, you need to have that deep, deep emotional connection. So that's one. Secondly is the physicality that you're talking about, just the physical proximity, the whole law of proximity and propinquity, that physicality being up close and experiencing new things together, I think drives people together. But then the third is the fact that you're under this pressure bubble together. So in essence, your partner is your only safe space or could be one of your few safe spaces where you can go to.

10:35And I think that trifecta, oh, my goodness, it's something else. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's something else. But you, I mean, you are the longest serving professional on Strictly, right? History, right? This year will be 14 years, correct? So what keeps you coming back?

11:02Every time it feels like a new year, like the first year. Wow, does it? 100%. Because, again, there's so many curveballs that can be thrown at you. but you're prepared for that you know what you're you're getting on a roller coaster you know what this roller coaster is going to go i'm strapped in i'm going i'm going in but i just love seeing people transform you know it's it's and it could be that much but that for me is massive yes getting someone that absolutely had no idea you know there are people that come in with dance experience you still have to take them at a completely different level you know but it's the people that started nothing that you're like all right that's the challenge interesting that's why i keep coming back and then when we go out there it's the unexpected like how thrilling is that that i'm like i have no idea what you're about to do and 10 million people are watching us and you might go wrong but i'm gonna i hang them right here for you you know how powerful that is well So that gives you a thrill.

12:12That is thrilling when you go, I have no idea what you're about to do because I can see it in your eyes. You have no idea what comes next. But it's thrilling. But you know what? It's when they do something wrong and then you pull them out. It's like pulling them out of the water and then you carry on. And then they go back into it. Okay. I love when they make a mistake. Not in a bad way, but it's almost like because nothing bad happens. The good thing of it is how you picked yourself back up. And you continued and you smiled. Yes. And you enjoyed it and it was thrilling. Once you get a 10, you ain't going to go anywhere else other than to get a 10.

12:53Then people are going to get bored of you. Yes. But you have to maintain perfection. I love imperfection. I can see it. I'm excited about it. Yeah, you'd be doing this if it was not on. Oh, baby, I love it. I love it. And that's why I keep coming back. How competitive is it truly? You have to be. You have to have that hunger. You know, I danced with my previous partner, Paul Merson, and he used to call me Pep. Pep Guardiola. Oh, yeah, Pep. Yeah, yeah. I know why. I know why. But because I love to train and I love to coach and I'm competitive in getting you on that dance floor ready. that's where my competition lies not against all the other couples because again there it's an uneven field not everyone not everybody starts in the same no there's a couple of people that count dance and there's a couple of people that can yes so how do you compare the two you know so i can only focus on the person that i have in front of me and what we can do together is is there a way and have there ever been people who play dirty because you know you could skirt the rules if you want to you know the people that wouldn't say dirty but i would say that they complain about i'm like oh stop complaining you know it is what it is it's a show it's a show it is you don't talk back to the judges they're doing their job right they're doing their job listen don't get me wrong there's times that i'm like would you just say that to me don't keep it in karen don't let the new yorker out just smile Just smile.

14:29But it's a show. It's entertainment. Don't take anything personally. Don't take it personal. Because then that's when it starts hurting. And that's when you become even more competitive and not in a good way. And then that's when the lights dim, everything becomes a bit like, because you start taking things personal. Yeah, yeah. But come on. You don't ever allow the New York to come out a little bit and give them a little taste? Oh, no. Why not? Oh, because it's not good. How do you think I got divorced three times?

15:04Oh, she wild. No. You're going to say, no, no, no, no. No, papi, no. Esa no sale. And in Spanish, too. You can give it to her multiple languages. That's even worse. When I start talking to you in Spanish, oh, forget about it. Okay. All right. Fair. Fair. All right. So what about, because, you know, I think what everyone loves is the inside. Like, what do you think is something that most people don't know about the show, about Strictly, that they would find interesting? Oh.

15:42What obviously is not shown is when you're in training and the breakdowns, emotional breakdowns. Hmm. And we all have them. And that's fine. It's natural because of the pressure and because there is not a lot of time. And how we pick up the pieces for these guys, these celebs, and even for us as professionals. Because nobody knows what's happening outside. You know, going through a divorce while you're trying to push someone and taking a couple of minutes to go into the bathroom to cry, to get it over with, to let it out, and then coming back in and freshen up and continue to teach. We have our moments that we go, I don't know if I can do this, and then you continue.

16:41And would people find that? They'd probably be like, stop. But it is, that is the toughest. Nobody knows anything about me. And that's fine. And that's fine. You know? But they think they know, oh, she's the lady with the dogs that dances. Yes. And gets married a lot. And has different hairstyles. You know? No, it's interesting. That's what you feel like the perception is of you. Yeah. So there's a balance. And it's hard. It's hard for the producers and for everything to balance the show out. Yes. But that's the beauty of it and why it's so successful. Because they've created such a beautiful balance of struggle, of happiness, of, oh, I don't know if I'm going to get through.

17:28Oh, but you are getting through. Oh, my God, you made the final. Oh, my God, you're leaving the show now. But it's part of our life. Yes, yes. And they've created that beautiful roller coaster that people, that's why people tune in. Let me ask you something. When was the last time you really thought about how you love? Not who, but how. Most of us don't. We're moving fast, doing life, hoping love just shows up and sticks. But that's not how real connection works. So I've created something different. It's called Love Better, and I'm taking it on tour. A live experience for anyone who wants to build deeper, more meaningful connection.

18:11We'll unpack the lessons from the couples you've seen me coach, I'll share stories I've never told on camera, and you'll walk away with tools you could use right away. This isn't a show you just sit back and watch. It's a night of honesty, insight, music, and connection designed to make you walk away with something real. Come solo, bring a partner, bring your crew everyone's welcome. But seats are limited, and they will go. Tickets are on sale right now at livenation.co.uk. I can't wait to see you there. The average viewership peaked in 2017 at 11.4 million viewers per episode. It's one of these where, to this day, basically half the country watches this thing.

19:03You know, so an enormous like juggernaut, right, of an entity that you then come on. I go in and it's like deer and headlights. Nobody tells you, nobody gives you a how to book, how to manage this. This is different. You know, I've done some TV work before, but that was just on me. This is dealing with other people, teaching, you know, doing camera work, interviews, you know, press. I was scared. I was like I don't know how I'm going to do this and I remember the first time I went on it was dancing with Nikki Byrne and they were like no lift and here I go Karen does a lift and I get a two from Craig and I was like okay welcome to the show Karen welcome to the show but I wouldn't have had it any other way there must have been a shift once he then because eventually he becomes a dancer a professional should I say professional on strictly so how does the relationship eventually end um i felt that he distanced himself from me but i was probably doing the same because i felt if you didn't want me then okay i'll retreat i'll give you your space it was one of those that we're both not talking about it so i'm like do you want a divorce do you want to split up i don't know what i want to do what do you want to do do you know what you want.

20:27I don't know what I want. Okay, so are we broken up? So it took a while actually. It took about a year behind the scenes. In front of the scenes, everything was normal. So you were pretending. Yeah. And then funny enough, I met someone and you know, we weren't together but we were together in the public eye. Wow. Makes it even more complicated. So when you meet someone, and it wasn't someone that I dated or something, it just happened to be someone that I just saw a couple of times and I got snapped up. Oh. And then all of a sudden, I was just walking with this person and then all of a sudden, you know, I'm portrayed as someone that I have cheated on him.

21:24And then obviously he saw the pictures and was like, So there was a big misunderstanding in all of that because I wasn't actually, I was literally waiting to be loved. How did you two continue to work together given the fact that you divorced? The respect we had for each other in the workplace. We respected one another. You know, I've never said any, we never said any bad word about one another. You know, I think that's because we hold each other to such a high regard. You know, there will always be love there. Okay. So we still danced together on the show and we were still working around each other.

22:11We would still applaud each other, support each other. We never lost that. And that was what was really sad. that we couldn't transfer that onto our relationship. Yeah. I find that incredible because I think there's so many people who are in a work environment, they'll break up with their partner. You know, they'll have a romantic relationship. They'll break up and they can no longer work at all. They can't even look in that person's direction. But here you two can still dance together. That's incredible. Yeah. It was tough at times as well when you had to do, there's one number that we did and it was right before we broke up and it was for Remembrance Day and he was playing a soldier and I was taking the jacket off at the table and dancing with it and then at the end, I mean throughout the dance he comes back and dances with me and goes in and out of my life until I again finished dancing with the jacket and placing it back on the table.

23:22And it was literally I had lost him. And it was the end. And I remember when we finished that, we looked at each other. And this was, you know, we record this in front of an audience as well. So they only give you like one or two takes. So you have to get it right, that sentiment. And the sentiment, it wasn't hard to get into that story because I was experiencing it because I was losing him. You know, it's so profound to think what is going on in your mind while you're performing. Yeah. You know, what you're either allowing or blocking out. I use a lot of my experiences to pull out the emotion.

24:06You know, and a lot of the experiences are from my love life, from my life, from everything. and that's what makes me open up, it cracks me up. It makes me more vulnerable for my audience. I find it healing in a way because it stops hurting as much. Yes. It stops. The wound starts creating a scar and then it becomes skin and it softens. It softens. Yeah, fair enough.

24:51Now that I understand how integral dance is to your life, how you would stop to dance, and then to go on to Strictly, where you have to dance, basically you probably practiced every day for it. When we got into it, yeah. The mere mortals would have to practice every day. You probably practiced too. Oh, no, no, no. But how did that begin to then shape your thoughts around dance again? Like, did you fall back in love with it? Yeah. So, okay, the year before I was on it, I got sort of whispers that, like, we might have, Ash, we might want you to be a part of the show this season. And I was like, oh, I don't know, I don't know.

25:36And my dad was like, you have to. like you like I will fly to London to see you dance like because my that was my dad loved watching me dance and he had this little whistle he would do every time before I hit stage so I knew where he was in the audience and um he was like you like you gotta do I want to see you dance I was like I don't know anyways it didn't end up working out that year um and cut to the next year unfortunately you know he was no he wasn't here any longer he wasn't here anymore um so when I got the call to do it, it was wrapped up in so many things because it was my dad wanting me to dance again and wanting to see me do that.

26:18And then also my, for myself to, to dance again, like, and then I was learning new styles that I had never learned before. Um, and also it was the first season ever in Strictly History where they brought in couple's choice. So couple's choice is where you're allowed them to do a style outside of Latin and ballroom. And when I grew up, my, what I loved the most was contemporary because it was very like self-expressive. And so I got to choreograph a dance in contemporary style dedicated to my dad, which also happened to fall on Remembrance. Wow. I mean, so... Look at that. The timing of everything was just, it was magical.

27:09Yes. And people that were watching, I wasn't just dancing for myself. I was dancing. And that's what's so beautiful about that art is it can connect you and use a piece of music to bring you in and have that human experience together through this beautiful piece of music and a beautiful piece of art. And it happened at that time. And I was like... Look at all that. Yeah. Nothing just happens. Right? It was wild. It was... Yeah. It was... It felt very special to me. So I really just blocked out, like, you know, the outside noise. And I was just like, I'm going to use this as a way to get back into an art form that I really love.

27:53And also, you know, do this for my dad. Look at that. Yeah. Look at that. Yeah. And then look at how well you did. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I was getting the votes on that one. But you say it because I got to the end. Yeah. But I was in the bottom several times. But you got to the end. Yeah. You got to the end. I was just happy being there. I was. I was like, thank you. It was hard. Though you say the dance is up. It is hard work. And I knew that. And I'm like, okay. And I train and I like to do my workouts and stuff. I was like, I feel like I'll be all right with this. Woo-wee. Yeah. But see, you're being, I think, too hard on yourself because as I look here at my notes, I see that you received none other than a perfect score.

28:50A 40 after dancing to Tom of my life. I know, Judy Dance. the lift like on that lift perfect score so come on yeah I mean you know it's the scores are nice but the experience and the timing of it all was just what was most important to me so did you fall back in love with dance? I made a promise to my mom that I would continue it I don't do it every single day but I still continue to get together with some friends and do little bits and stuff here and there just to keep the body moving and keep it going. Speaking as someone who many believe can't shimmy his way out of a paper bag, but trust me, I can, the dedication and talent it takes to be a professional dancer astounds me.

29:47All three of my guests showed resilience in the face of personal crises, media scrutiny and the pressure that comes with live TV. Incredible people with incredible stories. And if you'd like to watch more stories, simply search through our rich catalog of previous episodes. Don't forget to follow the show and give us a rating. I'll see you next week.

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