Jake Hall’s Ex On Sudden Death: “I Wish He Called Me” | Missé Beqiri

33:16Okay, Manchester. Manchester, yeah. Oh, such a gorgeous man. Yeah. Love him. It's crazy. Yeah, I can see it. Because you can't take your eyes off him. Yeah, I do love him. You know, what I can say about grief is the pain will remain, right? Yeah. But there will be moments of light. Yeah. Moments of, you know, when you were just looking at your brother, you initially, you smiled. Yeah. Because that's what we always did. He was like my person. and when he was taken from us, it was like I had this light here and it just shut off. It's not there anymore. And I've had to learn how to exist without that light and I never thought I would ever be able to survive without him.

34:25And I had to not judge myself that I was okay to suffer and I was okay to still talk about him. And I was okay to still post pictures of him because I didn't want to, like, I just didn't want to forget him. I just didn't want to forget him.

34:50It was... You know, you haven't... I believe that you have, you've continued to celebrate him. I'm just so tired. Yeah. Yeah, like he was the one I would call, you know. He was the one I would be like, I messed up, what do I do here? Or, like, what do you think I should do? Would you, like he was my person. Yes. And I lost my person. I can see how much he was to you. And I'll hold on to that. As much as you're open to talking about, is can we talk about his passing? Because from what I read, it was incredibly tragic. Yeah. But then there was lots of news coverage around it. with different thoughts.

35:55So just for you to clarify from your position, what happened to your brother? So, you know, like, my brother was a hustler. You know, he was social, he knew a lot of people, He was just that guy, you know, that guy that everyone knew. And he had music labels. He owned properties. He just did so many things in, you know, in our lives. Not our lives. In his life. You know, he got married. His wife is a lawyer. two kids so my brother was like a alchemist like we we never knew what he was where he was what he was doing he just did everything so when this happened it was a huge shock for the whole family because we like we knew that he knew people and everyone knew him but we didn't understand how that was even possible, that he had some relationship to all these people, other bad people and such.

37:17Right. You know, he used to come to Manchester. We used to go see games. We didn't know he had a whole different life. No one knew. So, you know, I just don't know. Yeah. I tell you, I mean, when anyone is when when anyone passes, that in itself is is is horrendous for us. I think when someone is taken from us. Yeah. That adds another level of pain. Yeah. But then when you begin to discover new things about the person that was taken from you, that in itself, that causes even more challenge. And I think that's why I shut down because I was like, all these articles are being printed and written and blowing up, which I understand it was a huge tragic thing, you know, being shot on the bright daylight in London.

38:27I mean, I've never heard that to happen. I've never. I've never heard that to happen. And for me, what I was seeing was like, my brother is dead. Like, my brother is not coming back. I wasn't thinking about that, the media. I was just thinking, how can you guys not understand? We've just lost someone. Like, please respect it. Please respect it. and I never understand either how people writes about someone that passed in a negative way which would never make sense to me ever and I will never stand by journalism who do that that they write when they write really ugly things about people that passes it's like Just let it go, man.

39:26Just stop. It's not fair to do that on a hurting family. It's just not okay. And stop me, because you mentioned he was shot in the daylight. And from what I understand, it was his child and his wife. Yeah. Yeah, because they were coming home from school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how has his family, have they begun the healing journey? Yeah, I mean, his wife, she's incredible, you know. She's an amazing lawyer and she's working. She's looking after those children and she's inspiring them to become better. And I think she's filled that void for them. And, you know, it's inspiring to see how hard she's worked to give those kids a better life.

40:33So I'm very proud of her for doing that. Yeah. Very proud of them. And also, too, is the, from what I understand, correct me if I'm wrong here, but the gentleman who did do that to your brother, that he has been locked away for life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he was, for what I understand is, he had been plotting that for six months. Yeah. That's not long, is it? No, no. No, no. I mean, that is, I think that is very meticulous. Yeah. To plot someone's murder for six months. He wasn't even from here. He's from Sweden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He flies over here. It's just. I just don't understand how something like that can even happen.

41:18Right. You know, like, is it even safe here? You know, how can someone just, like, travel, get a gun, shoot someone? Like, how is that even possible? Right. Yeah. You know, that's what really, like, fumbles me, too, that I'm like, how could that even be possible to be happening? Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm sure you still, because his children are your, those are your nephews and nieces. So I'm sure that you're seeing them all this time. No, they don't live here anymore. Okay. They've moved, yeah. But I still see them. I go visit them, and they come here, and yeah, I see them. I would love to see them more than I do, but I do see them when they hear, you know, we have sleepovers, and my daughter loves them, my kids love them.

42:14Yes. So they're very close, the children. All right, good, good. How do you go from, was it literally Copenhagen to Manchester? No, actually, I was at the time living in Milan for a period of time because I was getting jobs there and my agency wanted me to stay there to meet clients and castings. And while I was in Milan, my ex-husband approached me. Oh, in Milan? In Milan. Ah, okay. So we have to talk about this then. Because I thought you went to Manchester first. No, I was in Milan when we met. He was, it was an online thing. Oh my God. It's an online thing. It was a Facebook thing. Oh, it was a Facebook thing?

43:09Yeah. That's a back in the day thing. Yeah, that's what I mean. There was no Instagram. And I did an interview in a magazine. And he saw this magazine. Okay. And he buys this magazine each month. And they do always a page of a girl. Like they do shoot with her and interview with her. It's a men's magazine. Not like page three men's magazine. More like about sport, about fashion. It's a nice magazine. And he saw me on this page and he asked one of his friends in Copenhagen, do you know this girl? Who is she? And he's like, yeah, I know of her because we had some friends in common. He was like, you need to hook me up.

43:51Like, I need to meet her. And I was in Milan at this time. So his friend wrote me, hi, are you coming to Copenhagen? I'm hosting a dinner. Want to invite you. Trying to, like, put us together, the friend. But then Anders took his own creativity. How do you say in English? Yes. His own creativity. And he's like, he wrote me, I'm going to end up marrying you. That was the first message. Are you serious? I swear. Out the gate. Out the gate. That's strong. That's so strong. I'm not mad at that. He married me, though. He did marry me. So he dropped you on Facebook. On Facebook. He even said this on his speech at our wedding.

44:33My first message to her was, I'm going to marry you. And he did. Wow. You know, can I say, I respect that. Now, I think some people would say, that's wild. No, I love that. I love a man's man. Yes. A man who's a man, you know? I will say something similar, and I've never talked about this, something similar with my wife. No way. When you know, you know. When I saw her, in my mind, I said to myself, no matter how long it takes, I am going to be with her. Not for a night. Like, I'm going to be with her until eternity. Yeah, I was like, this is it. And if it takes me five years, ten years, this is it.

45:22So I'm not mad at it. He just went. No, he just knew. Yeah, he went straight. But it is funny that you do feel that connection. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And I don't know. I can't describe it. No, it's just a feeling. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So when you get this message, what are you thinking? I was just blown away. I think because he was so blunt and like honest and he didn't like try to like go around it. I respected it. And I was like, wow, OK. Sitting in my apartment in Milan like, oh, my God, someone wants to marry me. But what do you do, though? Because, I mean, you must have gone to check out his Facebook, though.

46:11Yeah. Yeah. So he's a really attractive guy. Yeah. Gorgeous guy, blonde, tall, you know, good looking. And he... and we started talking and we became friends. And, you know, because I was in one country, he was in another country. And we just kind of start talking as friends, kind of filling that lonely void for each other. And then we met. I had a job in Copenhagen and he flew in for the day just to take me out for dinner. Okay. And we never left each other since. That was it. That was it. That was it. When you think about that, was that the first long-term relationship that you had been in? Yeah.

46:59Yeah. Yeah. And I was like young also, you know, like. it was my first long relationship yeah yeah and you were held 23 yeah 23 yeah 23 yeah yeah how does it feel to be in a relationship at 23 right but to automatically feel seen you know by by someone where you had not felt seen previously. Yeah, that's where we go back to that, right? Yes. With Anders, what I felt with him, I felt really safe. He had some really way about him that made me feel very safe. and he saw me and he saw me in a different way. It just felt really good to be around him. Yes. How quickly were you two engaged and then married?

48:17Everything went really fast. So I was in Milan. He flew back to Manchester and he said, I think we were talking every single day on the phone. And he was like, you have to come here. come visit me here and I was like yeah okay we made the time and then I flew to Manchester and then he said I don't see why you have to go and do all these castings you know because kind of I kind of told him what my life was and um that I was like tired and you know there's been some situations this happened and he was like so you're not leaving until they book you for a job because I don't feel comfortable you doing, going on these.

49:02Oh, wow. So you had already told him that you felt uncomfortable. Yeah. So because we spoke all the time on the phones. I would go to work or go to a casting. I'd be like, oh, here we go again. These guys try and talk to me again. Oh, there's an email or, you know, whatever. Really? And I would tell him about everything. And then he was like, I just don't feel that you should go anywhere but to be with me. Wow, because he's looking at your safety. Yeah. He was playing football at the time. Yeah. Okay, for? Manchester United. Manchester United. Yeah. Okay. And he was the goalkeeper. Yeah, he was playing with Deguea at the same years.

49:50Okay. So at this time, I would imagine he's making decent income. So his point was, look, I'll take care. I'll literally take care of it. So what did you then do? Did you then stop modeling? No, so I still kind of, I was still a model. And if I got like direct bookings, then I would, like my agency Denmark will fly me out. And then obviously when I started dating him, no one in England knew who I was. So then everyone in England was like, who's Anders' new girlfriend? So then I started gaining publicity in England. Okay. Of like, who is this new football girlfriend? And then obviously the English model agencies was like, who is this girl?

50:44And why don't we have her here? So then I start signing with like agencies here. Okay. Okay. Now, how did you find the press here? Because I, you know, there's a stigma sometimes that comes with the girlfriend of a professional footballer. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. So how did you find that reception? What did it feel like to you? I mean, it was new to me, you know, like because I was never a famous girl. You know, I was doing my job as a model, but I wasn't a famous model. You know, I wasn't like on the cover of magazines. I was more like the hot girl. Then I became famous for being Ander's wife, well, girlfriend, and then we got married.

51:37And we obviously was living together very fast because he also didn't know anyone here because he just has moved here. And, you know, every event we had, everything, it always became like, who is Ander's girlfriend? I mean, we had a beautiful life together. Like, we really did have an amazing life. And he proposed to me when I was pregnant with my son. with our son, and he asked me to marry him, and we got married in Mauritius. Okay. All right. Not bad. Not bad. And it seems like it's a whirlwind. Yeah. So from the time you met him to you're pregnant and married, it was how long? Very short. Yeah.

52:21Yeah. I think we got pregnant the first, like, within a year. Okay. And then he asked to marry me while I was pregnant. So that was, like, the same kind of year. And then we had the wedding, I think after, Jillian was around six months. And then we separated. Okay. So now, before you separate, though, is this, you joined the Real Housewives? Yeah. Of Cheshire? Yeah. Okay. All right. That yell was like, Paul, don't bring that up. Yeah, exactly. No, it's okay. Yes. Okay. When they reach out to you, what do you think? I mean, is it something that you're excited about or reluctant? I was, to be honest with you, I was, I mean, I lived in a, I had a beautiful life with Anders and, you know, we loved each other very much and, and he was never at home.

53:24You know, he was always away. He was having games away. And at many times he felt like I was a single mom. And then when the show come, I was like, well, maybe this will make me a little bit busy. Okay. Fill a void. Fill a void. And we get busy as a family and we do something together because they wanted the whole family. So Andrews was also in it. Okay. Yeah. And I was like, maybe this makes us get busy together and, you know, we show our lives and maybe it'd be fun. Because I was, I remember the shows from America, like the Housewives of Beverly Hills. And I was like, maybe it's probably like that.

54:10And it's fun and it's nice to watch. Yes. So. Can I say this? So I went, in this research, I went and I watched some clips of you in The Real Housewives of Cheshire. I look different, right? I mean, I think you look pretty much the same. Yeah, you look very close. But I'll tell you what stood out to me the most. What stood out to me the most is you seem to be very reserved. Yeah, because I was insecure. Okay, okay. Almost as if it was... Everything was a problem. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So this is who this is who I was. Like, I was always in a sort of like paranoid or like I wasn't at ease. Yes.

55:02Yes. I agree. It didn't look like it was easy for you. Yeah. No, it wasn't easy because I wasn't at ease in myself at that time. OK. Now, why so, though? Because they approached you. And at first, so my, from everything I already know about you, I would have guessed you would have denied them. However, when you said, you know, I was alone for most of the time. Yeah, I was open. I understand. You wanted some activity, almost gained some purpose, right? Yeah, yeah. So here's a project. It forces your husband to be on the project. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. However, when did it go from you're excited, you think it's going to be of value and easy, and then you find out it's actually not?

55:57I actually think that the show was a bit of the riff of our family. Like, I think that kind of also ruined something in our marriage, to be honest with you. I've never said this before out loud. But I do think that the show did ruin our family. And, you know, I hold accountable and he holds accountable. We both hold accountable. But I think because we were on the show and I wasn't feeling really well and he was not feeling really well. And then we were in this public eye and I had to express what was going on in my household on the show. And obviously that's not fair either on him. And we just came to agreement that it was best that we separated.

56:53And that's what we did. And you know, he's a great man and we are very close. And I'm very close to his wife. We really get on now. Obviously, we haven't always got on, but we build a beautiful relationship. Yeah. You know, these shows can be the best of a career, but the worst of a career. Yeah. And I just distinctly remember, so the first project I ever did, television project, was in 2010. Oh. And on the back of that project, the production company offered both my wife and I a tag-along, a follow-on show where it would just be our family. At that time, our first child was born. Yeah, because it's great TV, right?

57:47It's great TV. You have this new family. Exactly. And my wife distinctly sat me down and said, this will be the demise of our relationship. Wow, she protected you. If we do this show. But I didn't see it. No, because you don't see it then. Yeah. Because when you're in, especially in our industry, when you're in the media and, you know, with our jobs, like you're modeling, film role, whatever, you're just used to cameras being there. But then someone like Anders, obviously, is also used to cameras, but he just wanted to play football. Right. So for him, it didn't make a difference for him. He just wanted me to be happy.

58:33So he was like, Missy, if he makes you happy, you know I don't need this. But if this makes you happy, I'll do it for you. But I don't agree with it. And he did tell me. He didn't agree with it. And then once we started filming, I was like, I felt that I started to change also towards him. And it's almost like my old life was back. you know I was like oh yeah you're working well I'm working too so I was the old Missy again I see it but what about that project felt uneasy for you where did the challenge come for you I think what was hard with filming was because I knew what was going on at home, but I wasn't fully exposing it on the show.

59:27And a lot of the time when we film, they film ahead. So we filmed six months prior and I've already moved out of the house and, you know, a lot was happening. And me and Anders was no longer together. and my show was showing on TV as if like I was still in a relationship. I see. And we wasn't. So that was really challenging for me when we separated. And obviously with my son, it was hard to do because we did one week, one week, one week, one week. Yes. Great dad, amazing dad. And we did one week, one week. And then obviously after we separated, he started playing less and less and less. And, you know, he's retired now.

1:00:20Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That whole period, when you think back, do you regret doing The Real Housewives of Cheshire? I just, I never regret anything in my life. It's crazy I say that. But I think everything that's happened in my life has led me to who I am today. And I think that's why I don't regret anything in my life, because everything happens for a reason. Because if I regretted Anders, I would never have my daughter. Yeah, that's a great point. I would never have met Jake. I would never know what unconditional love means. What me and Jake had was unconditional love. Maybe we was in together and we was in the match for each other, but we had a fire that no one can take away.

1:01:15We were like magnetic. Can we talk about Jake? Yeah. And also, if you can clarify something, because you just said that you faced a lot of judgment. Yeah. And one of the accusations is, okay, she left Anders for Jake. Yeah. Right? And maybe that comes because of how quickly. It went. It went very quick. It went. But if you can clarify what happened, when did you meet Jake? When did all those events happen? I mean, me and Jake met. I think this is just how my personality. Can you see the trades? Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, do you see them? Yes.

1:02:06I'm very like all in or nothing. And that's kind of just how I am. You know, either I'm fully in or I'm fully out. I'm never in the gray area. I'm not like, I don't know. This is just how I'm built. I'm not in this gray area. I'm like, okay, are we together? And are we jumping this? And we're in love. And that's me done. Are we together? Are we in love? All right. If not, no. Yeah. Like, I need passion. I need fire. I need, you know, and I feel with Anders and with Jake, I've had that. So then when did you meet Jake? How soon after your separation did you meet Jake? And how did you two meet? Me and him, we come across each other on social media.

1:03:01Okay. And then he had friends in Manchester, Jake. Okay. So he was visiting them, and then we would kind of show up in the same restaurant. We're like, what? Yes. Hello. And this is how it started. It was very, like, organic. Okay. Yeah. And when you saw Jake for the first time in person, did that fire set in? Yeah. You knew right away. Yeah. He was a beautiful man. You know, he was very attractive, very fun. And he, yeah, he was very electric. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And so, and I'm sure he felt the same towards you. Yeah. At what point, though, does he make it clear to you that he's into you? Very quick.

1:03:55Fairly quick. Yeah. Okay. Fairly quick. I think it was instant. Again, we were inseparable. So we started talking and we never stopped talking. Now, Jake at that time, he was on TOWIE, right? Yeah. The only way is at six. So he told me he's left it. Oh. Yeah. Okay. But he was still on it. I think he was still on it. It was an old film before, but I don't know. I never watched it. Because I understand that he was on somewhere in the notes maybe for 10 years. Yeah, a long time. A long time, yeah. And has he already launched his clothing brand? Because that's really when he came on my radar. Yeah, I think so.

1:04:392012. 12. He founded Preview. Okay, yeah. Yeah, so he had preview then, yeah. He did have preview. Okay. Yeah. So he found it in 2012. And what was interesting, too, is I didn't realize that he sold it to JD Sports. Yeah, but that was recently he sold it to JD Sports. Yeah. So he'd been building it up the whole way. So you saw the buildup, and it became quite popular. Yeah. It was everywhere. Everywhere. Yeah. Everyone loved it. You know, it was an amazing brand and he had so much to give. Like he could see things that no one could see. You know, this is, Jake was like that. He had this magic about him that he was just trouble how to articulate himself.

1:05:28And this was a big downfall for him, if I can say that. It was like he had the magic and he connected everyone. He was actually one of the most intelligent men I've ever been with and got to know in my life. And it's just his frustration to express it, you know, that sometimes he couldn't quite get across. but if you knew him you would know what he he means okay you know okay but but but but you'd have to know him you have to know him yeah because he couldn't sometimes get his he had so much in his head he had so many ideas so many things he wanted to do so so sometimes it just got a bit too too much for him okay all right i see yeah it got a bit too loud in there all right yeah all right So then how quickly after you started seeing Jake did you then give birth to River?

1:06:43Probably a year and a half after. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So when you found out that you were pregnant. Yeah. Right. What were you thinking? I was, my first thought was like, okay, this is too quick. and I was like, we don't know each other that, you know, we've not been together that long and I call my family. I've just, you know, not long been separated. I have, you know, my son and there's a lot because we were doing like one week Manchester, one week London. So there was a lot of traveling. And Jake was like, no, we're having this. He was insisting to keep her. Wow. And I was like, I called his mom, and I was like, we're pregnant.

1:07:36And I didn't know how people was going to react. And everyone was like, oh, my God, that's amazing. I'm so happy. And, you know, we had everyone's support. And, you know, thank God for that. Yes, yes. Yeah. So you see everything happens for a reason. Yeah, look at that. Look at that. And your family, your family support as well. Yeah. Yeah. So you have River, right? Now you were dating, but now you're not, I mean, you're in a committed relationship. I shouldn't say date. You're dating. Yeah, we were committed by then. You're committed. Yeah, yeah. I always like to bring up the marriage question because sometimes people say marriage is irrelevant.

1:08:19But here you were previously married. Mm-hmm. Was that a discussion for the two of you, marriage? no um he did propose twice jake okay he did yeah he did yeah and what did you you said no i said yes he proposed to me weirdly in mauritius okay i got married in mauritius he didn't know oh okay and then we went to the beach and and this is like violinist how you say yes yeah violinist violinist and um he was playing and i was like oh my god that's so beautiful so i stopped running i'm still not understanding it's for me oh i was like oh my god that's so beautiful so i grabbed my phone to go and like film it and he's just looking at me like because i'm really like that i like i really appreciate some more small things yes and he's laughing because he's like obviously is for her, but she's not understanding it.

1:09:19And then I run off, and then he's coming, like, on the other side, and it was a whole beautiful, like, you walk to the beach, and they put this, like, hut up with candles and, like, everything. And then above that, it says a sign, would you marry me? So I was like, oh, my God, you've done all of this for me? And it was, like, really cute. He's like, yes, baby, I love you. and then we're sitting down and he's looking at me and I'm looking at him. I'm thinking, oh my God, I love this. But he's thinking, can't she see the sign? He says, would you marry me on the sand? But I'm not seeing it. And he's trying to figure out like, what's wrong with her?

1:10:05You're ruining this poor man's surprise. Yes. And I'm really clumsy. I'm like, I really didn't see it. He looked at me. He gave me like a different look. And I was like, oh my God, he's going to do it. He just done this in his hand. I was like, I just knew instantly he's going to propose. And then he proposed to me. Okay. So the two of you become engaged. But now you two don't end up marrying each other. No. So what are the circumstances that led, you think, to you two eventually breaking up? I never thought we were actually going to break up because we were very, very much in love and everyone around us knew it was some crazy love we had.

1:10:56You know, it was really high and really low. We had a very... We had some really good moments, but we also had some very dark moments together. And I think just like from my experience of life, grown up, childhood, everything coming into one and he's experiencing his life. And I think like it was fire with fire, you know. And I think there was, you know, a lot of times that things were said and done that purposely wasn't meant to be said and done. and, you know, we were both growing and we were dealing with our own things too at the same time. So for me, you know, he was a big love of my life and, you know, he will forever be and we share River together and, yeah.

1:12:04Yeah. You know, one thing that he had acknowledged was struggling with mental health. And what I would love if you are open to talking about is that clearly you've mentioned you were struggling with your own self. You haven't said you're struggling with your mental health, but you were finding yourself. Yeah. Right? But when you have a partner who's struggling with mental health. Yeah, it's hard. It's incredibly hard. How do you manage that? Because there will be many people watching our conversation right now who will have a partner struggling with their mental health. Yeah. Wondering what they can do.

1:12:56Do to help. Yes. I think you should always go with your gut instinct and you know you should follow your gut instinct because and a lot of times they don't tell you the truth you know they withhold a lot of what they go through what they feel and maybe comes out other ways and because I believe all a man wants is to give his family everything that's a man's role right and And I believe that if I know Jake right, I think that's all he ever wanted was us to have everything. And as a partner, you know, sometimes it was really hard. And you just feel like you can't help them and you just want to help them.

1:13:48And you're in this like constant fight of am I doing the right decision? Am I not? What can I do to be there more? And then sometimes it just gets really bad and you just have to, you know, I've also been toxic where I'm like not maybe been the nicest because I had to pull, like I had to put boundaries. And is that haunting me now? Yes. because I'm like, it is haunting me now. I'm going to be honest with you. That I'm like, would this have ever happened if I didn't leave? Like, could I have stopped this to happen?

1:14:44because when you ask yourself if i would have made a different decision with the outcome with this outcome have been different yeah that's the first stage typically that we land in when it comes to grief and that's the bargaining it's called bargaining have you heard about this yeah where you begin to second guess your own decisions and wonder will that have or would that have impacted the outcome. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

1:15:15Sorry. No, no. You don't have to apologize. Definitely don't have to apologize. us.

1:15:24So this is something that obviously you think about is different decisions, different boundaries. I know that you and Jake had split up and you were living in the UK, right? Was he still in Spain? Yeah, so we moved to Spain together and we lived in Spain for a year and a half like he was coming and going but me and River was there full time for a year and a half and then things just wasn't working out and you know I had to exit the relationship and then I moved back to London with River full time. Okay, I see. I see. So you were here and he was in Spain. Yeah, so he grew up there. He grew up in Mallorca and, you know, he introduced me to Mallorca because I'd never been there before and we did all our summer holidays there, our winter holidays and really found up with it and he loves it.

1:16:43It's like his second home. You know, it's his childhood. it's his it's home there for him and that's his happy place okay and he always goes there and wants to spend time there and yeah okay so so you came back here uh and you're back here you have two children yeah and now you are working yeah and then i would imagine that at a certain point, this is when Ladies of London comes about. Yeah, exactly. Can I say, my wife is a fan of yours. No way. She is. And you know what? She tells me about you. Because she was telling me about you. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I didn't have to do any research. I just had to sit down and talk to my wife.

1:17:35What did she say? She was like, well, let me tell you. No, no, she didn't say that. She said that you have a very calm demeanor. Oh. And it is your calmness and how you're sweet, you know, and that wins people over. Thank you. And so, and what she told me, but you tell me if this is correct, is that it appeared as if when this show came about, this is a reboot. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So Ladies of London, the new reign. Yeah, because it used to be Ladies of London in the past, where we're a completely different cast now. Okay. Yeah. And so initially, did you get along with the cast members initially?

1:18:23I mean, we know one of them. We started very bad. Yeah. So who... It didn't start great. But you ended up. You ended up great. Yeah. So how would you describe... We did have 2 million views on our first episode. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. This is popular in the States as well, right? Yeah, yeah. So how would you... I think it's more popular in the States, right, than here. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. So how would you describe this show and who's on it and what's the show about? It's very... I mean, I absolutely love the show. It's very authentic to all of us. our lives and is not like so full on drama, drama, drama all the time.

1:19:14And it's very much about our lives and our friendships, our families, our stories. And I think every story is very authentic and we're not like showing up to be like, our lives are perfect. We live in this gorgeous mansion and which normally you'd have in these kind of shows, right? Like if you look at the housewives, they're all driving the best cars, the best houses. And like a lot of us are kind of at our age, but we're showing that we're rebuilding our lives. And, you know, you can have everything, that you can have nothing, that you can have everything again. It's a wave life, huh? Like it comes and it goes sometimes.

1:19:57Yes. And this is why I love the show so much, because it shows our authenticity around the real, real life. So it seems as if you all genuinely like each other. Yeah, we do. Yeah. Yeah. Which I think is kind of rare for a cast that large. Not all, but yeah, most of us, yeah.

1:20:26okay okay that's enough said enough said yeah no yeah um fair enough so uh it was kimmy who initially you all had a little thing yeah but then i was like that's my girl like i could really gone on to war with her but i knew she didn't know me you know because i was listen to her speak to other people and and I was like I really like her and like we will be good friends so but she didn't know me so she just thought oh this pretty girl coming into the show thinks she's going to be a victim now talking about her brother get air time you know that's what she thought right because she doesn't know me right so I was like oh my god I know what she's gonna think I know why she's done what she's done you know and I'm very like forgiven in person and under I kind of understand another person I'm actually not judgmental I can be a little bit but I'm I'm very not a judgmental person and this is about social media like I look so angry and like bitchy on my social media you think so yeah don't you think so what no no I don't maybe it's changed okay but why do you why do you think that that you look angry I think Because not angry, but more like I don't think because I never post videos of myself on Instagram.

1:21:51So I don't think a lot of people knows me as me. They just think like, oh, yeah, this girl pictures. Oh, she does. Like she's self-obsessed with herself. And they don't actually understand that I'm like quite clumsy and funny and, you know, like take the piss out of myself. and love my family and friends. And, you know, they don't actually know that. Yes. But I think this is something that people would be surprised at because here you are, a model. That is your profession, right? Yeah. You're a model your entire career. But that's my job, you know? It's like you show up to work. I don't think like, oh, my God, I'm a model.

1:22:36I'm so pretty. I'm prettier than every other girl. It doesn't work like that. Not that you are, but that you would be comfortable enough because you're a model who has been on two reality television shows who also has been heavily photographed with her partners. So I think my gut would be, oh, wow. So it would be easy for her to whip out the phone. No. But no, it's not. I wouldn't know. And why is that? That's just me being insecure again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because this can I say this has been the biggest surprise to me from meeting you, although from doing the research, I would have guessed it because I see the patterns.

1:23:21But now my interpretation is someone who's lived her life unsure and uncomfortable in who she was until now. Yeah. And that is one of the biggest reasons why we didn't see that in the past. No. Yeah. Yeah. Hey there. I just want to say thank you for choosing We Need to Talk. Doing this podcast is one of the greatest joys of my life, and I want to continue to share it with you. So hit follow and the bell icon. It takes just a second, and it helps us to continue to grow this podcast.

1:24:02If we can, as much as you're open to talking about it, is Jake's passing. Yeah. I choked up earlier when we talked about that. We'll take our time through it. And only as much as you'd like to say. Yeah. So where were you when you found out that Jake had passed? in Mallorca, which is so insane. So I got booked for a job in Ibiza. I'm shooting a cover for a magazine. Honestly, I've never lost my passport ever in like 40 years. Why do I keep saying I'm 40? I'm not 40 yet. I'm 39. In 39 years. In 39 years, I've never lost my passport. Anyway, the flight was booked. We're at the airport. I went to the police there, and they helped me to get this paper.

1:24:54But because I'm Swedish, and now with England, EU, citizenship, all this stuff, you can't actually fly in with a police saying that it's okay. You need it from the actual government. So they were like, I could fly anywhere in Europe but England. And then they were like, you, and now I'm panicking because I was picking River up from school. Oh, my goodness. That day. that day because we had an early flight back because I was going to have her. And Jake's parents had River and then I called them and it was still very early because I think my flight was like seven in the morning and they was going to drop her to school.

1:25:38And I called them, I was like, can you have her? And they were like, you know what, we just keep her. So don't stress. We have her for another two days. Anyway, so I had to fly. The police, in Ibiza said, you have to fly to Mallorca to go to the Swedish ambassador because it didn't have it in Ibiza. Otherwise, I couldn't fly into England. And so I flew into Mallorca and then I woke up in the morning. I think it was like eight in the morning and I had like 10 missed calls. And I was like, obviously, it was the dad. I'm thinking something's happened to River. So my heart dropped. I was like, why they called me this late?

1:26:28And I was like, hi, you've called me. Like, is everything OK? And the dad was like, no. I was like, is River OK? Is River OK? And he was like, it's not River, it's Jake. And the way he said Jake's name, I was like, he's in a hospital. He's in jail. Like, last thought for me was that he was gone. Right. And I was like, yes? What, Jake? And he was like, he's dead. I mean, I went into total panic mode. Like, first thing I did was I blamed everything on myself. I just went on... Like, everything was... I thought of Riva. I was like, no, no, she doesn't deserve this pain. Like, Riva Khan deserved this pain.

1:27:42You know, she's gone through a lot in her life and I'm not doing this to her. And I just wanted to, like, protect her. And I was like, no, how? There was everything came to my head in that split second. And his family and his mom and his dad and his brother, you know, because I've sat in their side. You know, I lost a brother. so I was in pain from so many angles because he has such a beautiful family you know Jake's mom and dad and brother they are insanely beautiful people and I was in so much pain for them and for Riva you know their relationship was you've never seen anything like that ever like their love was insanity insanity

1:28:41so I didn't even realize that he was in Mallorca and I was in Mallorca I was like what do I do here because I wasn't supposed to be in Mallorca but I kind of ended up in Mallorca so the night he died I was there I was there and I was like it's just it's like I don't know that is a lot that is surreal to know that you were there I did not know I was there I didn't know like I wish he called me or like I wish he just gave me a call to be like whatever like I need you like come help me I just wish he just called me I just wish he did something.

1:29:46But he didn't know I was there either. No. No. He didn't know I was there. You know, when I think about that day for him, what stands out to me is something that he had posted on Instagram that day. So hours before he died, he posted on Instagram, remember the good things. Yeah. I'm sure you've thought about that message countless times. What does that mean to you? I think Jake just wanted to be remembered for everything good that he's done, you know, and to be remembered to be an amazing father and how much he loved people and how much he connected people and how much he worked so hard and he really tried so hard to fight this voice that was always talking over him.

1:31:05And I know, like, all I can think about is he's at peace now. He's resting, you know, and...

1:31:18I just wish it never happened. I don't think I can ever get over it. It just hurts so bad to lose him. I think when you lose someone so close, what I've been reminded of countless times is that what is going to happen is every day, through moments like this, through looking at River's smile. I know, but it just hurts me to see her hurt. It's like it hurts me more. You know, like I'm hurt, but her hurt is really hurt. You know, like it's a different kind of hurt because like seeing her in pain pains me and obviously it pains everyone because the support we've had I have never seen anything like that in my entire life like the support river and the family and we've had is is I couldn't describe how much that means to us like how how support how much support that gives us and hope yes and it just it just feels like a big hug and I just never had that in the past you know because of how supportive everyone has been yeah And I feel like I know no one is perfect, but I just feel like it's so raw for me now to like I'm using my tools and, you know, like is with grief, it just hits you.

1:33:15Yes. I can't control it. Like some days it's very bad and some days it's like I'm fine, you know, I'm good now, I'm good. Yes. And then some days I'm like, I actually just need to lay in bed for like four days and not see anyone. But then you're a mom and she needs me and I need to be there for her too. And it's quite healing for me to be around his family. Okay. And like his childhood friends is very healing for me and healing for them to be with me. and us together because that's what we used to be together before. And I think it's healing something in all of us to just be together. And it's making us reflect on choices we make in life.

1:34:07And when you lose someone so suddenly, you just say thanks to God and you start being like rethinking your decisions in life. and gratitude is number one. And you're like, I'm so thankful my kids are healthy and I'm so thankful my mom is alive and my dad and my sister. You start really seeing people times 10, even though I see them, but something really changes and life is so short. Yes, I think that's what changes. Yeah, life is so short, you know. 35 years, had his whole life in front of him, and he's just gone. And he's breaking my heart because I know he had so much to give. To give, yes. And he was so loved.

1:35:04When was the last time you spoke with him? Like two days before, a day before maybe. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah, because we, he had a river every second weekend and we share our holidays. But, you know, he'd be on FaceTime all the time and we'd speak and, you know. Yeah. No. I know that the funeral was just about a week ago. Yeah. and it was a true celebration. Yeah, that's what he would want. Of his life. He feels like I want to be happy about him. Like I know I'm hurting and I'm crying and that's okay, but I also feel like it makes me laugh sometimes because I'm like, you fucking prick. You know, like what have you done?

1:36:10And it's like, it just, you go through those like happy low, happy low, happy. And I'm going through a lot of emotions, but I want to be happy when I speak about him because I know that's what he would want me to do. And he was the one who was supporting me through my grief with my brother. So I remember what he used to tell me to do.

1:36:49I probably look like crazy right now. Is my makeup everywhere? You know what? I'm so bipolar. You know what? You look incredibly human to me. You know what I mean? you look like you're going through a lot and the beauty is you're going through it. You're going through it. And to your point of you get hit with this emotion, I feel like what grief does is it hits you like a wave. It's intense and then the wave goes down and then it's intense and it goes down. And my commitment to you is that over time, I think the waves will continue but they won't be as intense. No. But it's for me what, because when I lost my brother, he was there for me and he was with me when I lost him.

1:37:47And he used to always say, you know, we used to listen to, for me, music is a big thing. Like I listen to a lot of music. And I know that that's what we did when we were grieving my brother together. Me and him, we were putting music on and crying together. So when my best friend passed, I didn't want to tell anyone this. I was so mad at him. Yeah. And I was pissed off at him. Yeah. And in my mind, I would curse him out. Yeah, I feel you. And I didn't want to tell anyone about it. No. Because I felt, because he, you know, he had passed. I know, you feel bad, but it's... I was angry. It's really natural to feel that.

1:38:29And, oh, okay. Yeah. I feel like you could. Look at that. Look at that. I tell you what. Yeah, it was one of those where I was, yeah, I was so, so mad. And I'm still mad. But it comes from love. It comes from love. Yes. Like the anger is not like, it's like I love you so much and I'm so angry at you that you did that to us, that you've hurt us this way. Like, the anger comes from a place of love. Like, what am I going to do with this love now? Like, where am I going to put all this love? It's love that, like, it's got nowhere to go with this love now. Right. Because they're gone. So what are you going to do with it?

1:39:17And you get angry because you're like, it's not fair. Like, where is my daughter going to tour all her love for her dad? Yeah, she can put it on everyone else. and I know the whole world can be there for her, but no one is her dad, and that's what she says. She's like, but that, I go, mommy loves you, but yeah, but you're not dad. Yeah, but you're not dad, and I really feel that for her because, and that's where I get the, oh, why, you know? Yes, yeah. Why? And she goes, mommy, why my dad? I mean, I feel like unwell when she, because she's honest with her feelings and it breaks me. How do you parent now?

1:40:14And I want to share a statistic with you that really blew me away going into this research. is so approximately one in 29 school-aged children have lost a parent or sibling. Wow. Children who experience the loss of a parent are at increased risk for developing depression, anxiety, or PTSD. So to your point is you are holding it together for your daughter. What lessons can you share? because one out of 29, that's many of us. We all know we are either that person or we know someone. Yeah. What have you learned that you can share with us? I've learned that it's okay to cry in front of your children.

1:41:08It's okay to be sad because I think it's healthy for the – because now it's me and River who's going to live this life together, right? So she knows I love her dad, and she's very sad about her dad. So it's okay for us to be sad, and I don't have to be strong all the time in front of her. And I think it's healthy that she sees mommy sad, and I see her sad. And, you know, she comes up to me. She watches my eyes, if they're watering or not. Oh, okay. Yeah, she comes really close to me. She's like, I'm like, I'm fine, baby. and then you know a little trigger and we both start crying so we're just kind of going through it together and I think there's no right way and there's no wrong way and I think there is so much help out there that you can get like the government can give you therapy for free there's school therapists there is um you know all these things you can do together and you can do drawings, you can remember them, you can talk about them, you can sing songs that they like.

1:42:22And I think the most important thing is that you don't neglect it and you don't try to bury it because it's not healthy at all. And that's what I did with my brother, honestly. I wasn't okay for a long time until I unpacked it. Okay. So this time with Jake, I straightaway unpacked it. And I'm really open with River and his family. And, you know, there's all just love. It's just love. Like when we have one thing in common is love. What do we all do? We all love Jake. So why don't we all just love each other? Why don't we all just share the beautiful memories of him? Why don't we all just forget the bullshit and the egos and all the bad stuff that's happened?

1:43:15And, you know, no one is perfect. And that's one thing we all have in common is love. What's your happiest memory? With him? Yes. Oh, we have so many happy memories. I love when he sings in the car. He used to, like, really get into character in the car. And he used to think he was, like, some really big singer. I think deep enough. He thought he was. I like how you shaded it right there. He thought he was. In the back of his mind, he really thought he could be a huge singer. Like somehow he thought like I'm going to be like a big singer. Yeah, okay. And because he just had that like, you know, that character.

1:43:56And we've had some crazy memories. You know, we traveled the world together. We've worked together. We had a child together. We lived together. We'd done a big life together. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. We had a big life together. I love it. What's something that perhaps she doesn't know that you want River to know about her dad? I mean, she knows everything about her dad because her and her dad was like, I mean, unseparable. They just share so, such a beautiful bond together. Like, even though me and Jake would be like, not this week, mate. Not this week. Do not even look at me. And like, each other's throats at time.

1:44:49But when he came to River, you know, I mean, it was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. He loved that kid so much. Is there anything that you want to address, clarify around any of the pressure, judgment, articles that have been written that you want to just lay to bed, lay to rest? About Jake. Or about the circumstances or anything? I mean, I think, like, it is what it is. It was an accident, you know? Like, he obviously, like, we all know the same thing. Like, it was an accident. That's for sure. Like, he would never have left River. Yeah. That's for sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's well said.

1:45:39Just add a look. That's well said. If you look at his social media, people say, ah, social media is sometimes just the image that we want to project. But when you look at the images, I think, of River and him, you can see how she was she doted on him. Yeah. She loved him, you know. And if it's OK, there's a photo of the two of them. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. That I think really depicts this.

1:46:13Oh, yeah. I love that. That was when we're living in Spain. That's in Spain there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She, I mean, yeah. Oh, maybe. Yeah. She loved him so much. I mean, she loves him. It was like, I don't know, like his first love, his child. Yeah. It's a special bond, a girl and a dad. Like, they had a very beautiful relationship. It was...I mean, my heart breaks for her so bad, you don't understand. I'll hold on to that one. And so, if I can ask about you, when you think about what you've lived through, And we have mentioned nothing just happens. Talked about that. What do you believe the next chapter of your life looks like, in particular as a result of everything that you have lived through?

1:47:27So what is that next chapter? What do you hope for it to look like? I just want to grow you know keep growing keep learning keep helping I want to use this as a strength as knowing my brother and him they're like Missy stop being lazy get your ass up like I know that there's two of them now and they were the only two who was like, get the fuck up. So I know that one thing they would want for me is to get up and get things going. And so from my perspective, I feel this responsibility of River now. Of course, always she has been a responsibility, but there's a big difference when a dad is in the picture and not.

1:48:28and losing that person, it's like I know that I have to, and I'm not trying to rush myself, but of course in the back of my mind, I do think ahead of life also, like my five-year plan, 10-year plan, and I really just want to work and give River a beautiful life. But so do you. Oh, thank you. That's going to make me cry. Thank you. You do. You do. You've been through. I just feel all I've done is cry on this podcast. No. I'm so sorry. I just keep crying. No, no, don't apologize for this because you've gone through more than many people will ever go through. And you're still here. Yeah. And you're a great mother.

1:49:36Thank you. To two beautiful children. I know because I have the photo right here. Which are... Aww. you know what i mean so i'd know here's the proof yeah that's my babies there's your babies right there i love them there there there's the proof you know they're just so perfect yes i'm so blessed to have them you don't understand like they're just so amazing like we've just been to sweden now for like 10 days and honestly i was sleeping and my son knows you know what we're going through he was also very sad because he grew up with Jake. And he was, like, making me coffee, coming into bed with coffee.

1:50:22Wow, look at that. Gentleman. He's a gentleman. He's like, Mom, don't do anything, okay? And him and River went in the kitchen. I was, like, listening. They were, like, making eggs, like, whisking the eggs. He's like, River, put the bread on the toaster, yeah? Put the bread on the toaster. He'd come out with, like, bread and scrambled eggs and coffees. I was like, have you made the scrambled eggs yourself? They're like, yeah. They tasted really nice. Yes. It's amazing what kids do, right? Like, how much they change your life. And isn't it amazing, too, how resilient they are as well? I know, yeah.

1:51:03I mean, Manchester United top there. I see it. That's why you're going to have to give it back. I'm going to have to tuck this away. All right. Although that's a good team. You just want us to wear that. That's right. You probably get him a T-shirt. Oh, yeah. I should get them both. River, too. Yeah. Yeah. I have really loved hearing your journey. And I feel like I've walked on the journey with you. And all the questions that I had in doing the research about you, you've answered. And you've given more on top of it. And I think I'm most excited about this next phase of your life because I think you can argue that you've never been more in love with who you are than today.

1:51:50Can I give you the final question? Yes. This is the question everybody gets. And that is you have had some incredible conversations in your life. When you think about the one that stands out the most. So the one that gave you the greatest lesson, who was it with and what did you learn? I think he's with my mom, to be honest. Like, she just was like, stop blaming yourself for everything. Like, like she really gave me like a bit of a tough love. She was like, enough is enough. like just again like think about yourself if you can't function your daughter can't function you're you know and I know there's a lot of time we think like you being selfish to think about yourself and put yourself first but actually if you don't do that nothing else around you functions so what I would advise people like from my perspective is put yourself first and it doesn't mean you don't love your husband you don't love your children it means like if you you are if you are your best self it means everyone around you is also happier because if you just give to everyone and you're like, oh, I'm lacking, I'm so unhappy, I hate my life, everyone else hate their lives too.

1:53:23Yes. So it's like a mirror. You're mirroring who you are. So if you become, like, grateful and happy and prioritize yourself, your well-being and your mind and your head and you listen to people you really trust and good people that got your back, I think the whole dynamic will change in your life and you're not a victim for it. You're the perfect example. You're the poster child for that. Yeah. Yeah. Well said. Thank you so much for joining us. Missy, perhaps the first person we've talked to who is so deeply sitting with such recent grief. Grief never leaves you. I think that we, as in a society, we have to do a better job in normalizing death.

1:54:24So we have to figure out how do we prevent those things, depression, from setting in PTSD. And part of how we do that, I think, is by normalizing death, by talking about it more, by accepting grief rather than trying to treat it as a fixable thing in our life. When you look at UK culture, you look at US culture, but UK in particular, there is a very conservative view around death to the point where the default is just don't talk about it. Perhaps the idea is I don't want to have to relive the pain, so therefore let's not bring the person's name up, let's not relive what happened, let's not discuss it at all.

1:55:17But Missy is doing, I think, a great job in demonstrating the importance of having these discussions because ultimately it allows you to reach a point where you can then bring the person's name up and smile. You can then talk about the experiences you've had, good, bad, and indifferent, and still appreciate that time. Missy is demonstrating how to deal with grief in a healthy way. I met Orlando when I became a Victoria's Secret angel. We ended up dating, and that's when a lot of, like, the paparazzi came into my life, and there's a picture of me. I'm... No, you're not. I am. I don't believe it.

1:56:07I was like, oh... Miranda Kerr. You are a supermodel of the modern era. When I was 13 and I won the Dolly Magazine model of the year competition, I felt like it was a fluke. I've had so much rejection, people would only see the success that I've had. And typically it is the fame and or the fortune that leads to some type of demise. How did modeling shape your thoughts? It happened so suddenly that it was hard for me to understand, but my whole world just stopped. My first boyfriend was in a car accident, and he died instantly. Oh, it completely changed me to never, ever take a day for granted.

1:56:50I've seen a couple things. One is, literally, you went viral for... Yeah. So can we talk about that?

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