Lauren Goodger: "I'm Finally Ready To Tell The Truth!" My Untold Story Of Heartbreak, Relationships & Loss

30:50Where it started is in the support and like the emotional. We were together. We were best friends. We spent a lot of time together. When that, that was my love. So when that started fading, like him going out, I felt it was too distant. It was too distant. So there was a lot of energy and effort initially. Yeah. And that's always happened to my relationships. I mean, that is the quintessential definition of love bombing. Yeah, I know. I know this now. Yeah, I've learned a lot. Yeah, that is when you get this massive amount of attention. Yeah, and then it drops. And then it drops. And normally what you see in the healthier relationships is that there is a certain level of effort and that level is sustained.

31:40And sometimes there's a little bit of ebb, there's a little bit of flow, or should I say ebb, a little bit of flow, a little bit of ebb, a little bit of flow. But that was us. But it normally stays, though, on an average like this, opposed to there's a lot of energy, a lot of, right? And then it just drops. Drops. But the fact that you recognize it, though, is good. I know now. I've learned a lot over this, these years. Okay. Believe me. From Jake? Yeah. We go to Joey. Yes, great. There is a place. So you know, can you tell me about how you met Joey? Joey's a guy from the area that everyone knew.

32:22Okay. Jake knew everyone knew. You only date guys from Essex, I see. Because I didn't really venture. But I wouldn't now. I'm not like that now. Do you know what I mean? I would venture and actually be interested in different. I don't want the same bad pattern. Joey come along. It was a very weird set up. I was friends with his family. Okay. So it was very old fashioned. He used to write letters. So it was a different type of love. I'd just finished with Jake. Okay. I used to hang around with his sister and everyone quite a lot. So he'd write letters and that's how we communicate and I'd go on visits.

33:07But when you say he would write letters, from where? Jail. It's awful, isn't it? So I understand. What is wrong with me? You were friends with his family and he would write letters. So I was friends with his sister-in-law and go out of her a lot. And then she's like, you should be with Joey. He was about to come out. He only had a few months, six months. It wasn't that ludicrous, even though it's crazy when I talk about it. Oh, my God. But at the time, it was exciting. he'd write letters he's very caring supportive of course he is yeah but just so i understand though he would he would write you the letters yeah so and and so what he found out that you were no longer yes with with jake i'm over the media okay so you're all over so he's writing these letters and these letters would be lovely lovely like it's mad isn't it oh my god then i I would go with his family to see him and stuff.

34:08Or don't. And I don't know how. And it's like, I'm coming out soon. Then there'll be another letter. Oh, you would go. And he's allowed out because he had days out as well because he was at the end. Oh, wow. So it wasn't just going to see him. You would go with his family to prison to go visit him. So the first time that you actually met Joey, he was in prison. Yeah. Okay. No, because I knew him from back in the day. But as you were dating, though, the first time as. Yeah, we were dating, but we wasn't really because he was in jail. Because he was in jail. God. What do you think it was? Because really, because you talked about Jake as the bad boy.

34:51Yeah. All right. Joey, if you're in, if you're locked up, you're a bad boy. No. But he was a lovely person. I will say it. And he's got a lovely family. and as much as people, whatever, he actually was quite softy and a really sweet guy and I have no bad blood with him even to this day. Okay. So what do you believe it was about bad boys that attracted you? I have no idea. Listen, I don't regret either of them and they're both great people and they're good looking and everything. But if I could rewind time, that was when I shouldn't have. I should have took time out, been on my own. Like I'm doing now.

35:32And made better decisions. I was young. I was doing great. I was busy. I was partying. I just didn't stop and think. I just went with it. Right. Do you know what I mean? Right. And it was exciting. Yeah. But was there anyone around you that was saying? Yes. There were. You can't tell me nothing. Okay. I'm strong-minded. When I want to do something, I just have to do what I want to do. But my friends, my family. Lauren what are you doing I'm like you don't know I know this is what I'm gonna do but I don't listen I don't listen okay because I follow my my that love feeling takes over let's keep this simple if all of your friends and all of your family are telling you that someone is bad for you they're bad for you so Joey he gets out and so then does he move in with you No.

36:28No. We broke up before he got out. We become friends. Okay. But we hung out for a bit after when he came out, but we wasn't together. It wasn't romantic. Okay. Why did you break up? I think the whole whirlwind of it, the excitement, sort of being best friends of his sister-in-law and stuff, and they were great people. And I still speak to him today. It wasn't for us. He had to venture to do his own thing. He's now settled down with a baby. Okay. He's moved out of Essex. Okay. All right. Good for him. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah. So while this is happening, your career is still taking off? Up and down.

37:06It's up and down now. Up and down. I sort of took a little bit of time out. I wasn't focusing. I should have focused more on my career and important things. I was letting things slip. I was getting into a bit of a mess of certain things. I was a bit here, there, and everywhere. Didn't have amazing management at the time. Really messed up my finances. People not being honest with me. I got robbed in business. Oh, wow. Lost a lot. I lost a lot of money, yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So at that point, what are you doing for income at that point? The odd bit here and there, but back then money was not as good as it was at the beginning.

37:48But doing a photo shoot is all right. Okay. All right. So if you do a photo shoot. Yeah. And this is a part of the business that I don't know. So photoshoot, you're saying from one of the magazines? Yeah, that's where my career was really, as much as I had brands, even though I got robbed with that and I still can't get over it to this day. And whatever happened, I don't know, I let it be. But my work is very heavily magazines and media and photoshoots. They would want to photoshoot me on this chair. It doesn't have any meaning to it. They just wanted me in the mag. And they would just pay you to take a photo of you in that chair.

38:32So I'd get paid for the day and would go to London and we'd have a photo shoot, different outfits, dresses, hair and makeup done. And that was my job done for the day. That was the job. Yeah. That was the job. Can I ask how much you get for something like that? So, well, at the beginning it varies from$25 ,000 to$5 ,000 a day. Yeah. Did you say$25 ,000? Yeah. $25 ,000? Yeah. To get photoshopped. I have to photoshop. Hold on for a second. So you just sitting here is$25 ,000. Not now. We'll be looking to get anywhere near that. But back at the beginning, yeah, I was getting paid well. Wow. Yeah.

39:15Lord, I had no idea. Yeah. But not everyone got the same money as me from that show. So it's not that now and it hasn't been. But at the beginning, I'm talking 10 years ago, the shoots were paid well. And I was doing a couple a week. I do them every day. You want to take a photo? Every day. But again, that's where me messing up because I was running away with love and silly things and not concentrating on the important things and who was powering me and if management was powering me and chasing it. And I messed up a lot with that, you know. You know, on the money front, you know, in the business front, you know, this is something that I heard.

40:02Correct me on this. I heard that when OnlyFans, which was created in Essex, it was created with you in mind. Is that true? Really? Well, I would believe that because they tried to get me years ago. Their account was contacting me quite a lot on Twitter and instantly I ignored it. I would never have done any fans. Then? No. So when they reached out, you said no? I blanked it. I ignored it. I think they got in touch with management. They really wanted me on board. It wasn't my thing and I didn't need to do it. I didn't need to do it. Things changed. Things changed. And when you are doing well and you're getting paid for different jobs, you get used to that as well.

40:55And obviously I was funding, helping family, helping boyfriends, and I wasn't sensible. And I thought I was quite a sensible person, but no. And I've learned a lot. Fair, fair. So at a certain point you then joined OnlyFans. Yeah, which was 2020. 2020. Okay. So tell me about that because you didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it and I thought, but speaking to people behind it, creators, everyone's like, you're mad. Why would you not do it? You'd make this much. You'd make that much. I got to a point where I was like oh my god I've got to pay this I've got to pay that I'm getting a bit stuck with finances now what am I going to do we're in lockdown I've just done a stepsco dating there's no shoots we can't work my rent everything is high my car everything my lifestyle whatever I've still got big bills to pay off blah blah blah I've got to join OnlyFans and I remember setting up my account, but I didn't do nude.

42:10I was a cowboy. Okay. I literally was my underwear stuff. I thought, listen, it's not going to affect me. I'm not going to look back one day and regret it because I'm just going to do the underwear stuff because I do that anyway in the magazines. Right, right. They all want me naked for whatever reason. They've always wanted, even close to a magazine, I was naked all the time. So I thought, let's just put it on OnlyFans and people can buy my pictures. So it was a business. Even though as much as I made a mistake, I'm still on the business brain. Yes. I signed up that night. Pull the money. I was up to half five.

42:48I made£32 ,000 the first two, two and a half weeks. Okay. I was like, oh, my God. I was addicted. I was like, this is the best I've ever done. It went absolutely everywhere, literally everywhere, all over the media. Everyone went crazy. But this was amazing for the first few months because I've seen she don't do anything. She's not naked. She's not – I don't do anything. Obviously, I have up my game a little bit because you have to. And obviously – but I don't do anything that I would have ever worried about to be seen. Interesting. I've kept that boundary. So would you rather not be on OnlyFans?

43:28Yes. But you feel like you have to be? I have to, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then how does Charles come into your life? So we spoke on Insta. Okay. He slid into the DMs? Yes. Okay. I ignored it the first time. Then it was like this lockdown in and out, in and out thing. We was on it, then we was off it. He ends up coming down to Essex. I spoke to him for five months on FaceTime before I met with him because I wasn't really like that. And I didn't really like meeting new people. so it was always anything like that don't come around I don't know you but I spoke to him for five months got to him as a friend didn't really like him at the beginning interesting but I got to like him he was lovely he was supportive similar they're all very similar and I don't know my previous partners family wasn't really interested because of their history and I sort of kept it a bit separate, even though me and my family aren't that close.

44:31My kid's dad had come very close with my dad. So I'm speeding up a bit here. And they all really loved him. And this is what I wanted from the beginning. So you wanted to have family and friends buy into your partner? I just wanted to be a big family. And they bought into Charles? They loved him. They got on. They had each other's numbers. They'd go out together and watch the football. I'd never had this before. I was always with my first boyfriend's family. They'd come and watch him play football, but they weren't really close. Charlie was close with my dad and my stepmom and that. And I know that's important to all of us.

45:08And it made me close to them, which I've craved for so long. You know what's interesting on this is that there's some really good research by a friend of mine, Dr. Terry Orbach out of the States, who shows that one of the top reasons why couples separate is when the woman, so this is in heterosexual relationships, when the woman's family is not supportive of the partner. In essence, we're all seeking safety. Yes. But there's a higher level of safety that women on average are seeking. Of course. And to have your family say, I like this person, it makes you feel safer. A hundred percent. With them.

45:43And closer. Yes. And because I've got a very weird relationship with my family, one minute I'm in the life the next minute I'm not this is going to give me that I've got to tell you I've fallen pregnant now okay so I need this family I might not like everybody I might not agree with everyone but I need I'm having this baby I wanted a baby for a long time but I'd never done it because it wasn't right I was pregnant with Jake a lot went on there was abortion and a loss. Okay. Okay. Yeah. All right. And that abortion was solely your decision. Um, at the time, because of career was, I was advised by management that it would ruin my career, which is so wrong because I was very high of my career.

46:35And actually, as years went on, the girls in the show shows out because they had kids that could have been me you know it's so painful though to hear this is that you i was fast you were you you were told to have an abortion you wanted to have a child when you were pregnant first you wanted to have a child with jake and then you were told it will ruin my career what were you gonna do you just you're You've got this deal now. You've got that deal come in. How can you have a baby? But life was different. Now we have careers because of kids. Right. You know? Right. Not me. I haven't done that yet.

47:15But you can. You can do baby brands. I haven't done any of it. But I, you know, it wasn't just that, obviously, but that played a part. Right. But obviously, again, I was like, no, I want to get married. I want to do it right. From what I've been told from a young girl, you get married first. Again, that didn't happen. But I look back now, but at the time I was 26, 25. I had loads of time. I had LaRose at 33. Yeah. And I see too is now that you're pregnant with Charles, how you've wanted to have a child. I needed that. I needed her. I've done everything. I've done so much career. I've done so much shows.

47:57I've done, I've earned money. I've lost money. I've wanted a baby now. Yeah, yeah. So you have your baby. Yeah. And you have a partner. I do. That your family likes? I did a home birth, naturally. Seven hours labor. Perfect. Wow. And I was at home in this bubble with my kid's dad. He was amazing. He'd feed me and I'd feed the baby. Yes. I've got pictures of it. And I can't get over that period of time. I hold on to that because that was beautiful. And I think, where did it go wrong? It was everything you wanted. Everything I wanted. Yeah. so what then happens in your relationship charlie's 10 years younger than me um it's a lot of pressure having a baby with somebody you've been with i fell pregnant after a month um we let we don't you don't know somebody for minimum six months to a year it takes a long time to get to know someone it takes a long time to get to know someone now lauren says it takes her from six months to a year.

49:02Is there any truth to this? Well, in the early stages of a relationship, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking you really know someone. But people often present the best version of themselves. Chris Rock calls this the representative. Now, it takes time to move beyond these initial impressions and see the more authentic everyday aspects of a person. Getting to know someone well involves observing how they react in all scenarios. That means the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's only over time that you see how they handle stress, conflict, and joy. It also takes time to build trust and emotional intimacy.

49:44These things don't develop overnight. It often takes months of consistent, meaningful interaction for these to grow, allowing you to understand the person on a deeper level. Now, I'm not telling you to be suspicious of your partner in the early stages, but be aware it takes time to build relationships. It's important to be vulnerable and open with your partner if you want a deeper connection. All right, let's get back to Lauren as she explains why her relationship with Charlie came to an end. Time went on and I just saw some changes. I saw he wasn't very happy. it was a lot I think he's thinking what have I done like he's never said that but I'm thinking it was a lot for him he wasn't happy with me but I felt pregnant um there was a lot of press stuff there was girls doing stories again like I said girls trying to get involved in our relationship I'm ignoring it I'm trying to be strong I've fallen pregnant again I thought I'm not going ahead I've just got to focus on the rose I can't do it on my own we're not really getting on And I thought, I put the abortion.

50:53I thought, I'm not going. I'm doing it on my own. I'm doing it on my own. He's left me. He's moved out. Wow. He left you? He's moved out. He's got, look, he had his own reasons, whatever. He moved in with my brother-in-law, who's like a brother to me. And I'm going ahead to this pregnancy. Okay. Against his wishes? He didn't really, at first he was like, well, don't be ridiculous. But then he, then he come home and he went, you're not getting rid of the baby. It's my baby. We're doing this. So I was like, okay, we're doing this. We got back together. Okay. He's moved home. Things were all right, but it just doesn't stay all right.

51:35And I don't really know what happens. And we wasn't getting on and I don't know why. I don't really have answers.

51:44But I was awful. I just wanted to be the best mum. And I was just the best mum. and that was all while he was meant to love me and I meant to love the baby. It was meant to be a circle. I just needed a bit more. But again, I just felt so alone. But no, I don't know what happened between us. I don't. But it got bad. What was the lowest moment in your relationship? Well, obviously, oh God. I don't really want to go into it, but obviously, yeah, like I lost the rent. I didn't know. and I lost a friend at the same time and there was the whole, my daughter's funeral and it just, it was a mess and anger got taken out of me and just, I don't know I actually have no answers I never will understand to this day what happened and why Running your own business?

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55:19we have to talk about lorena yeah we have to give her her proper space i know it's probably hard for because we're sensing she don't want to talk about this but it's fine so you were pregnant with lorenna you had it's interesting i didn't know that an abortion was booked it wasn't so so the you were excited going in yeah you had a partner who had come back to you yeah you thought okay this is now i have a bigger family this is going to be even better she's got a sibling two babies under one yes good help me but how beautiful yes so so talk to me about the day of her birth she was coming and pregnancy was fine my bloods were immaculate no issues at all i was breastfeeding very hard when you're heavily pregnant running the house can't work and you've got a baby on your boob and you're being sick at the same time it's tough it was the hardest moments of literally my life I was so exhausted that I would literally be playing with the rose and fall asleep on the floor well but I had no one to help me and when I had the rose I did a home birth naturally don't like the whole hospital scene that doesn't work for me so anyway my midwife's checked me as long as you've not got a temperature and your water's clear and baby heartbeats good you can start home the next day i put the rose on the boob my contraction started so i thought oh my god yes this is this is happening when i tell you the intense pain oh obviously it's bad but this is bad this is no there's no build-up like this is happening now i'm rolling around my like cinema my snug room thing in agony on my own, literally like this baby's coming out.

57:15And the midwife turns up and she can't hear a heartbeat.

57:24So I'm like, I don't know. She's like, why haven't you rung? I said, I did say that I've just had my contractions. She was fine last night. You was here last night. She's rung an ambulance. Paramedics come in. They've given me gas and air. and I'm now being wheeled out into an ambulance. I knew something wasn't right. I just knew, I just knew, and I'm screaming, and I'm in so much pain. I've got no drugs. I'm in absolute agony. From when that contraction started to when she was born, it was two hours, and she just flopped. They let her flop out on the bed. and I knew I knew and I thought she's not here she's just and she'd lost oxygen seven hours before so and if I had if I had gone in maybe things would have been different but I didn't know and I was on my own

58:39Sorry Yeah But yeah

58:50And I just remember, like, whatever reason this happened, how it happened, and nobody intentionally, from the midwives to my family to my partner to friends, nobody knew that that was going to happen. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was just a mess. It was just a mess. But, yeah, she had just passed. like not long really before um because of oxygen but she looked like she was asleep and i remember just doctors running in and 10 doctors had come in and i was giving her adrenaline after adrenaline and they said they had a low heartbeat but i think that was the adrenaline um and charlie was in a terrible state on the floor like screaming and i just i don't know i I was just in ups, I was shaking from head to toe.

59:46It was the most traumatic, awful experience I've had in my life.

59:52Like... You know, you never ever think that you're not going to have your baby, that perfect pregnancy. She was 40 weeks and she was nine pounds. She looked beautiful. Yeah, she was beautiful. She looked like the rose, but she was a little bit fairer. Yeah, I bet that is something that I'm not over and I'm not gonna get over.

1:00:21How do you get through it?

1:00:27LaRose, because she's all I've got.

1:00:33She's literally all I've got, she's the only person I love.

1:00:45Sorry. Oh, God. Do you know what? I never cry in front of people. I normally like hold it in and can talk about things, but it's just, yeah, I just not ever talk about it that deep. And I think it's good too, because I had to carry on life as if I think it's okay. Yeah. You know what's hit me the most in our conversation? It's how lonely you are.

1:01:17Yeah. I used to have a lot of people and I haven't got anyone.

1:01:24And I don't know why.

1:01:29my life has got like worse and worse and on top of it it's like life stresses as well like i haven't been left alone like not that i don't talk about this but a few months ago i got this email i'm getting charged and i'm like for this paid post and i'm like what is coming on what is going on it's not okay but they don't understand what's going on in my life it's just a pain post and things like that and I'm still carrying on, I'm still carrying on but how long am I going to carry on for? You know? How do I get through it? Because I have no choice Right and you have this beautiful daughter Yeah, and she don't know nothing and I wouldn't let her let her know i'm happy to play dates we go to the farm we we do stuff you know we we we meet up with friends but i don't have any i don't have any friends on the side of trauma yeah what you went through was a traumatic experience and there's different ways that we go through should should I say the recovery of trauma?

1:02:46Yeah. There's something called the Kubler-Ross model, right? Okay. But in essence, it says that there's five steps that we go through. Okay. And we don't always go through them one after another. Yeah. But we go through all five at a certain point. Okay. One is denial. Mm-hmm. Denial. Yeah. That this even happened. Yes. And I did do that. Another is. I thought LaRose was Lorena. It was like one. Wow. Yeah. Wow. And that's where my, at the beginning, I was so okay. Worryingly okay. And it was like Lorena LaRosa's that one, but that pregnancy was just one. It was just one. So I never lost her. There you go.

1:03:29That's what it is. That's the denial. Another is anger. Yeah. I'm very angry with everyone. That's why I cut everyone off as well. Yes. Another is bargaining. Bargaining is when you begin to ask yourself, what could I have done differently if I did this differently? If I did go there, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I did this. Another is depression. Which, do you know what? I've never had depression in my life, but I'm suffering, I think, 100%. You know what that last is? The last is so powerful. The last is acceptance. Yeah. And once you've received acceptance, that's the pathway to then moving forward.

1:04:18Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. Okay. So that... I've got a little way to go. Yeah. And I think just acknowledging that is so powerful. But I'm a one-man man, really, because I'm doing it all. Listen, I'm co-parenting. It's not easy. We do talk as friends. It's not always like that. My main focus is La Rose. And me being me, because I used to be such a good worker, that's why I've gone back to the show now. It's to slowly bring me back because I need to support us as well. Yes, yes. Well, you know what the other support that you do need, and this is coming from your friend, is there's three.

1:05:00Whenever we're going through traumatic experiences, there's three, what I say, groups that we need in our lives. One is that we need friends and family, but those that we truly love. Yeah. Because not all family is family. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so we need those that we love because we can emotionally go to them and get emotional support. I don't have that, no. Okay. So guess what? I'm your friend. Yeah. On the real. Yeah. So you have to then maybe create a new friendship circle, but it's important to have friends. I'm trying, but it's really hard to, there are friends there, but they're not.

1:05:41And I'm looking at the minute, and my daughter's friends, because she goes to a little preschool, I've started to talk to their mums. Yes. But I'm still loving it, and it's like, I don't know. They would, because they're really nice, but I'm different. Yeah. I'm just, I'm not a normal mum. I am, but do you know what I mean? But I've been inviting everyone over to my house, and having playdates. And I don't know the mums, but I'm trying to build a new life, basically. You need, we do, we all need connection. Yeah, I need some human, like I've just had this hernia and I've not had one person come round to see if I'm okay.

1:06:22I'm going to have a bad part, I don't know, but life is hard. But I'm going to be all right because this is me and I will get through it. Like I've done everything. You are. and on those three though, because this is important, I'm going to make sure that we have these three in your life, is friends, you're working on this. Yeah. Another is to have professionals. Yeah, I know. The reason why I think professionals, therapists, counselors, coaches are so important is because what they help us to do is to have coping behaviors that are good for us. And this is what I need to see. I start and I don't stick up to it.

1:07:03I do a few sessions and then I'm like, my life is busy, blah, blah, blah, not well. I need to have, my health is important. It's everything. Your well-being is the best gift you can give your daughter. You know, that third group though, that's important. People who are going through what we're going through. People who've suffered the loss of a child This is what I want to do. I want to help people because I feel like, see my DMs, how have you got through this? They look at my Insta. No one knows what's going on in my life. You can see me out. You can see me today. I could get packed. She's in London.

1:07:44She's sweet. Right. No one knows, right? People DM me, help me. I need to get to a place where I'm better, stronger, that I can mentor or do something for mums that haven't got anyone and they've got me to come in like I was. But you know where that begins though, Lauren, is just by listening, just by giving an ear and also by allowing others to be an ear for you. This is like therapy. In a way this is. I'm going to feel amazing when I leave here. I think because what I'm definitely going to give you is practical advice which is what I want when you walk up off of this chair you will be able to do these things and to become better so the three is if you have friends and family you're working on this that number two is professionals, number three is a support group, people who have gone through or are going through what you're going through if you have those three groups of your life three groups in your life it helps you to get through that trauma those stages faster I feel like I've rushed through it because of La Rose, but now I just want some normality.

1:08:59Yes. I want, I've not been with anyone because I'm not ready because I need, there's work I need to do it myself. It's got to be right for La Rose. But I also am Lauren that does need that. I need to be in love. If I can't get it from my own family and friends, I need to make a new home unit. Yes. That's why I'm sort of thinking I need to be ready to start dating. Yes. But before we get to dating though, is how have you, because you have been working on yourself. Yeah. That's something I'm very proud of. Thank you. What are the things that you've done now to change your life? I have a lot of boundaries.

1:09:38So I can be quite cutthroat to my boundaries. So I don't speak about work on a weekend. I don't talk on the phone after a certain time, even if it's just a friend about shopping. I literally say I have to tell and I don't answer the phone if they ring me at 10 o 'clock I don't I ignore it um I have very strong boundaries people know if they've come like if I do have anyone over or like I do have a friend from the show he's really good actually he leaves at seven because he knows I go to bed at half eight okay I don't drink alcohol I don't smoke i don't take painkillers unless i really really have to i'm very like people might think it's weird and boring i don't socialize and i do need to get back to that but i'm very strict with my own boundaries in my comfort zone that help my healing process that don't trigger anxiety that's why and how do you feel having done this now for several months i haven't drunk out next Next week is a year that I haven't had a sip of alcohol.

1:10:44A year? Yeah. But before that, I've probably been drunk four times in four years, five times in four years. Okay. So it was quite easy. It wasn't, I haven't done this, oh my God, I'm going to eat out. It just doesn't go in my lifestyle. It's not a choice of I'm not going to drink, it's going to help me. I just don't want to. Okay. It's a difference. Okay. But now that, so you haven't had a drink in a year. you're abstinent as well you haven't had sex no since last year with my kid's dad alright so a year no alcohol, a year no sex you have strict boundaries that you put in place around your time phone calls messages or anything I don't speak after a certain amount of time on the phone I'll be on the phone, I can scroll I can do whatever I can WhatsApp but I don't want to speak All right.

1:11:40So a year of doing this, emotionally, how do you feel compared to last year? It started last year. That's when it started. But I feel like them boundaries help with my panic attacks, my sleep pattern and my anxiety. That's why I do it. It's not because I don't want to speak to people. It's because I have to respect. I know when I cross over that line, I'm overwired. I have panic attack or I don't sleep. Even coming to London, I'm not, I can't do that on my own yet. But because I haven't done it for so long. I've been Lauren in this bubble and this, my own world. Beautiful is such a hard one because it's been such a happy, beautiful time having my baby.

1:12:28But it's also been the hardest, worst time of my life because I had a loss. And I'm in this bubble in Essex. My work was up here every day. This is where my shoots were. So to get to London, what do you need in order to go from Essex to London? A friend to come with me. And today I haven't got that, so I've got production with me from another job. Yeah. Yeah. Which I find, you know, fascinating. So right now we're in London. Yeah. And in order for you to come, you had to come with someone to help reduce your anxiety. And I didn't have anxiety because I don't trust anyone. I've got a really serious, I feel like people are not good and they're going to set me up.

1:13:12Wow. So I don't really enjoy life. This is so fascinating to see. 2010, Lauren Goodger by 2011 was on top of the world. Yeah. BAFTA, most successful reality TV show. Everyone knows you. You're getting booked$25 ,000 to sit in a chair. and you fast forward to today and you were unhappy very when you look back at your life because you're a young woman so this is just one chapter I think I'm scared because I'm getting older it's worrying how am I going to have I'm going to be 38 in September and I don't know what has happened but I think I'm 28 it's really weird it's like I've been put asleep and you've not told me you know what I'll say I'm very hopeful for your future I'm very optimistic and I believe you because I do feel something I feel something good's happening at the end of this and I believe that yes I know it and you know why I know it is because you have gone through the fire and you're still here Yeah.

1:14:33You have these experiences now and you're pulling lessons from the experiences. Yeah. You have more awareness around self. Definitely. You have boundaries. You're working on your well-being. These are all of the pieces that add up to success. 100%, yeah. So if you're going back to tell 12-year-old Lauren. Yeah. And give her some advice. Wow, what things I would change. What would you tell 12-year-old Lauren? Just be so grateful for the moment. Because you never know when that moment is a memory. And at the time, you take it for granted how amazing it was. The things that I've achieved, the love that I had in some relationships that are now memories that I so want.

1:15:25So it's to be grateful in the moment, definitely. Wow. Well, you must have talked to some incredible people in your life, some incredible people. When you think of the most impactful conversation that you've ever had. That's what I'm saying. Who was it with and what was the conversation? Okay. This is exactly what I mean. Because, yes, I've been around Simon Cowell in a very small group. So I've, even like rappers, I've walked in to clubs and been in there with their driver's car. I've been to Beyonce's perfume launch. I was in Drake's table. Not that they give me any advice, but they're amazing people to a lot of people.

1:16:15Yes. But you don't really learn anything from them. That's impressive, but it's not what matters. Like so much more that matters. This is what I was saying back to in the moment. There's been so many times and I've took so much for granted because it's so fast-paced and this job, that job and having beautiful friendships that I probably maybe should have looked after a bit better. And because we're busy, not that we don't mean it, and even like down to my own family, there's reasons why we're not that close and it's not because of me, but I had to make them boundaries. Yes. But again, I didn't listen.

1:16:58I didn't listen to a lot of people, a lot of things. And it's important to listen. So almost the most important conversations you feel, they were missed. When I was giving advice at the right time that we've previously spoke about on here, and I didn't listen, it was important to listen probably because things might have been different. But everything happens for a reason. and however hard my journey is and been, it's exactly where I'm meant to go to where I'm meant to be. Yes, yes. We've talked about a lot here today. Yeah, I can talk for hours. I think both of us, it's dangerous. But on that note, we've talked about a lot.

1:17:40Is there anything we have not talked about that you would like to? I think it's just sort of, I don't want to leave it on a sad, Yes, my story's sad. Yes, my life has been sad. But I'm so grateful to be who I am and have another opportunity. I've gone back on the show. I'm here with you. I'm just grateful that you have me because I don't always get given chances. And I've lost a lot of chances. And now I feel like I want people to know me for once. I really want people to know who I am. Yes. And hear my story and even my past. because when people look back at me and be like, what is wrong with her?

1:18:23Don't understand it. Don't just judge me because there's deeper reasons for certain things and it doesn't mean that I'm just a silly Essex girl with no plan, but I just went with what I went with and I'm still a good person and I continue to be a good person and that's important to me. Yeah. I think you're a great person. Thank you. I love you. I adore you. I am a fan. I'm a friend, you know, and I cheer for you. And I think that's a key piece of friendship is do you applaud, you know, your friend? Do you cheer for them? 100%. And every time I see you make a move, like you're back on Tally, I'm like, yeah.

1:19:05You do. And you're one of the, that's what I'm saying, in this job it's very, people move around a lot. But you don't keep connections with people and that's rare. Yes. And you reached out to me, one of very few people that reached out when I lost Lorena, and that meant a lot. And you actually found my psychiatrist therapist that I still talk to today. Yeah. So you're a good man. Yeah, I'm so happy for that. I'm so happy for that. And I'll tell you what, the next chapter, watch. You watch. The next chapter is going to be amazing. Oh, I really, really hope so. And this is why I've kept myself to myself.

1:19:39I've been locked in my house, just being a mom, doing the mom things. And now I feel like I'm ready to start a different life. Yes. Yes. I know you are. And I believe people will see how much light you have. Yeah, I hope so. Yes. Because I do believe that knocks my confidence. If I've ever done, like, I turn a lot of things down because I feel like, no, I can't do it. like live tv because i'm not people do like me and i am popular but you've also got lauren do you know what i mean so that okay i mean can i ask even on can i ask about that because that's interesting so so you feel as if you were kind of pushed to the side yeah i do and i've and it's a shame because for tv shows i'm i'm really good and even if I like to do opportunities to have my own show it would be amazing but people don't produce as much they work with me they book me they don't really give me the full credit but they I bring a lot yeah I bring a lot even though you're top on Daily Mail and your pack covers covers like you're always and 15 years later I'm still going strong and not everyone can do that Do you still have paparazzi following you?

1:21:02Outside my house, yes. To this day? Yes. Even yesterday, I take pictures because I get followed a lot. So they follow me and they're not legally allowed to sit outside your house, but they do. I've recently moved, so I'm all right for a minute. But I did get followed the other day and perhaps down my high road. Beautiful. Yeah. So if you're going to anything, to the grocers, can you go to the grocers? If they're there, they're there. It doesn't matter what you're doing. I've done doctors, anything. And I feel it. I know when they're there. I have a very strong instinct. And they're like, how do you know?

1:21:40I'm like, I know. I can feel it. I don't know why. It's like you can just sense they're sitting in a car. I see it a mile off all the time. But it brings you paranoia. And then they take those photos and then they sell them to… They blow them up. They pile them up. so they make you look white and which makes you look bigger which is not as flattering oh interesting and they grain them a little bit so you've got that brownie eye a bit of a wonky brow nothing's that bright and then they they sell them and then you think oh my god look at me and then they sell them but the fact and then there's an appetite there's a demand for lauren goodger photos yeah i've had this um a journalist outside and that or a press sorry we've been requested by whatever paper magazine they need some pictures of you because they want you in the paper today so yes they will be requested to have pictures of me because they haven't had anything for a couple weeks i don't know how you live like with this i mean you've got to work with it you have to work with it so i'm very friendly i don't know why but i'm very friendly to them and i say look please not today sometimes i listen sometimes i don't come back tomorrow i'm going to the park whatever and then they sometimes will do that and that's it's not set up but you can work with them you're gonna get it anyway okay yeah okay so at least they're getting it but on yours but it's not always like that obviously some are horrendous photos and you're like oh which used to affect me and now i'm just like i'm so used to it people think i'm fat and ugly so i just accept it yeah it's hard that's why i don't like fame you know on that note i swear this is the last question yeah but i have to ask this because so as a result because you just said they think i'm fat and ugly right a lot of people meet me in real life yeah say i didn't think you look like that really yeah i've put on weight now because a lot of trauma but i lost a lot i've been up and down up and down but since i was dating i wasn't fat um and over the years i wasn't fat being a size 10 back then and i thought i was big I'd do anything to look like that now.

1:23:49Do you know what I mean? But people have met me in real life and said, oh, I thought you was a lot bigger than what you are and you're actually really nice. You look better in real life. That's all I get. That is the line I get everywhere I go. You look better in real life. Everywhere like Tesco's, anywhere, just popping out in pajama bottoms. You look better in real life. That is the one line I hear. If I had a pound every time, I'd have a million. That you look better in real life? Yes. Oh my gosh. Which is great for real life, but it's not for the rest of the country. No, who are looking at these photos.

1:24:23Exactly. On me on screen. Yeah. But again, that's me working on everything. I'm up and down, but that's my life because I'm up and down emotionally. That's why my body's up and down. Okay. A reflection of what I'm going through. Of that. Do you feel pressure? Because, you know, a lot of people are getting sculpted, you know, with surgery. I've had it on, yeah. Do you, is, is, is that the pressure for surgery? Back in the day, a hundred percent. They created it. So they would make us look a type of way, talk about us as a type of way, and then we'd go, I'm getting my boobs done, or I'm going to go and get a BB on turkey.

1:25:01And then when you do it, she said, oh, this surgery, what's she going to stop? Hold a minute. Last week you were telling me that I look this type of way. You've made me insecure. So now I've got that because of this. I was fine before. I probably wouldn't have had nothing done. But they've given me a hard time over the years, which I haven't had anything done since 2017. Okay. And I actually want to reverse a lot, which is what I'm trying to get on the show at the minute because I want my boobs out. I want to go natural. Do you? Yeah. I want all the implants out. Okay. Just I don't need it. It's not healthy.

1:25:37So what do you want to have done? Right. So I just had a BBL, which is a 360 fat transfer in Turkey, which is the worst experience. Oh, my God. I was Googling helicopters, how to get high. How to get high. This is going to sound super ignorant because I hear BBL everywhere. But I don't technically know what a BBL is. So it is actually Brazilian bum lift, yeah. 360 lipo. So you're like a bit of meat on the table. They take it all the way from your knees, arms, back, stomach, back, everywhere. All the places they can, in the thighs, out of thigh. Take all that fat, they mix it, and then they inject it into your bum.

1:26:20Just straight to your butt? Yes. Okay. Which is very dangerous, and I would never recommend that to anyone. It's one of my biggest regrets of surgery. When I then felt pregnant, the bum got bigger because it's fat and fluid. It was massive. I absolutely hate it. And now it's still quite a big bum and I don't need it. So you want to reduce your butt. That's basically it. I want to reduce your butt. But the butt does. A month ago, I was training a lot. I looked a lot better than I did now. Not well, whatever. So I stopped. The bum actually got smaller and looked really good. So it's the diet and the training.

1:26:58Like your body, it goes with it. So I don't actually have to get that removed. I just need to lose weight. Okay, fair, fair. So you'd love to slim your butt down. Yes. What else do you want to do? I want the boobs out. Okay. I just want natural boobs. Anything else I feel like I don't, I've had lips done years ago. I haven't done for ages. I get a bit of Botox now and a bit of Skin Booster. I don't have filler in my face anymore. Okay. And I stop that. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And then once you do those, you're going to feel like, okay, you're back to long. I like natural. Yeah. I don't like big hair extensions, fake nails, fake lashes.

1:27:35as much as I still wear makeup I'm toned down now you're right you don't have any lashes and I don't have hair extensions those are your lashes those are long lashes that you have so I just and I don't want all filler in my cheeks we've all done it and it's not that and La Rose she's got no chance because I've been there and I've done it and I'm that strong mum listen to me I know she don't need it yeah fair sorry I know you gotta get out of here we've got filming haven't we now Yeah, we do. We do. Thank you. But no, no, but thank you. Yeah. Yep. Oh, God. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

1:28:12That was lovely. I hope you enjoyed this conversation, and I'd like to share some of my key takeaways. But first, I have to say thank you to Lauren. Thank you for being open, honest, and vulnerable with me. Okay, so my first takeaway is seek a partner who could provide the emotional support and stability that you crave. To avoid repeating past mistakes, it's important to focus on your personal growth and healing before entering a new relationship. A partner shouldn't fill a hole in your life. They should add to it. My second, surround yourself with a strong support system of friends and family who could provide a different, healthy perspective.

1:28:56Always put in the time and effort to maintain your support network, as you never know when you might need them. And third, when it comes to working through past traumas, consider seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling. This process can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms, opposed to unhealthy mechanisms that can lead to a lessened or destroyed well-being. The next one is set boundaries and prioritize self-care. This can help you maintain emotional stability and make better relationship choices. Lauren chose to not speak about work on the weekend, not speak on her phone after a certain time, and stop drinking.

1:29:39She says doing this has helped reduce her panic attacks, improve her sleeping pattern, and lessen her anxiety. Number five, be patient with yourself. Navigating the ups and downs of love life is hard. Remember to celebrate your progress and resilience. Journaling can be a great way to understand and express your feelings. and it's also a great tracking tool to see how far you've come. We can all learn something from what Lauren shared about her experiences. I certainly did, and this is why it's so important to talk.