Pete Wicks On Male Loneliness "I Don't Feel Like I’m Enough”

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0:38Pete opens up about being an outgoing loner and how losing his nan forced him to confront the pain he had spent years shutting down.

1:00You know, we're in a day and age, and I've heard you speak about this, write about this, where we are in a loneliness epidemic, in particular men. You know, in the research I was doing for this is you have 27 % of men say they have no close friends. You have many men saying that they have no one that they feel as if they can turn to to support them. And what's interesting is that you have those stats. Then you have Pete Wicks over here who has said that you are an outgoing loner. Is that it? An outgoing loner. Yeah. You know, but yet you still have the friendship circles. Yeah. And that's, that's critically important, I think, to our success and our mental health.

1:38Yeah. Massively. There's the Pete that is on TV, which is still Pete and it's still me. I've always done everything as me, right, wrong or whatever else. But then there's the very private me that my friends know and the people who know me not on a camera know. And that is, I mean, really the difference between those two people, just by the fact that they're kind of the same is that the one that is off screen is soft as shit but the impression that i gave across well i was you know pretty hard miserable it couldn't really affect me type thing because it became a lot easier for people to hate that person than it did for people to hate the kind of real me that was a bit more vulnerable so the real p is vulnerable fucker yeah yeah real peace vulnerable you know i wrote the book last year and and that was kind of a cathartic experience for me but it wasn't a self-help book and it wasn't giving advice to people because i don't know what i'm fucking talking about but it's my experiences that are maybe relatable to people and the amount of people that message me just saying it helped because someone else could explain how I feel.

2:47And all I did was explain how I feel. I tried to put... Because I think that's the biggest problem with men is that we feel things. And it's not just men. It's not gender-specific. But I think men probably struggle more with it. It's that we feel things, but we don't really understand why we feel it or how we can look past that. So we tend to just bury stuff. we don't want to talk to anyone about it we don't really want to do anything about it and just hope it goes away and when it doesn't go to the way it becomes a huge problem right actually if you dealt with it you know in bite-sized pieces we may not have got to a point where you know male suicide rates in the uk are astronomical right number one source of death for men under the age of 50 suicide and and what a horrific and sad statistic that is number one is people taking their own life right that's not through disease that's people taking their own life and you know with my mum and and everything else is a touchy subject for me and i i don't know what the answer to mental health is i don't think you know a lot of people do because there isn't one size fits all because we all think differently, we all feel differently, and mental health can be such a lonely place.

4:09Your head can become a prison. But there are so many different things out there. It's about finding the right thing for you. You know, people talk about therapy, and that is amazing. Therapy has helped so many people that I know. But it doesn't always work for everyone, right? But there are other different things that you can look at, and I think the one thing people need to do before they start working themselves is work out that they do need help and admit that they need help. And I never did that. I said, I'll do everything on my own. I'll do everything on my own. And when I lost my nan, I realized I needed help.

4:45And I still don't know what that is, but I've accepted the fact that I need something because otherwise things are going to get bad. And I think that's the first thing that people have to start doing. And, you know, the book wasn't about telling people what to do. it was about going take a minute and work out do you need help and if you do where can you get it yes you know yes i kind of have felt lost for years probably 20 years of doing this and doing my best at everything i can but not knowing really what i'm doing or where i'm doing it or why i'm doing it on not really understanding everything and being confused one thing i would really love to have is a bit of peace of mind and i think without peace of mind it's a struggle yes so that's what the horizon is for me is finding peace of mind whatever that looks like but doing it my way yes as long as you're you're doing the work and you're surrounding yourself with people who love you then it's going to happen for you it's no doubt it will it's just um it's a matter of time and everyone's time horizon is, is different on this.

5:53Um, one thing that, that's always struck me about you is that you are vulnerable, I think with people that you respect. Mm-hmm. And what I truly appreciate about this conversation, and it's interesting because I've seen you in so many different lights where you're super comical, like people don't realize how funny you are. Like, you're mad funny, you know, super comical. Sometimes you could be very, like, you're quick-witted as well. You're super sharp. So, uh, you're very good at, um, you know, like, back in the day, we, yeah, we were deflecting, right? Or we would call them, like, different jokes, right?

6:34But you're great at all these things. But what I have seen here today is I think, at least for me, the Pete that I want to see more of. And this is you being honest and open about all of these places of your life and saying, you know what? I don't have it all figured out. And I'm still going through the pain, right? But I do need help. But I want to go back because you just said something that I have not heard you say. Maybe you have heard this. You said this before, So you're saying that when your nanopast, that's when you realized, I do need help. And I'm going to connect it back to an early part of the conversation is, why did you realize you needed help?

7:26Because I have never felt so alone. And I think I've probably spent a lot of my life being surrounded by people. Being surrounded by people does not mean you're not lonely. But the one thing that I could rely on and the one thing that was a safety net for me was my nan. Right. And then when that's kind of, when you have kind of the rug pulled from underneath you, you're just laid on the bed floor. And it's, it just made me think that even the reliance that I had on her being a safety net, I have to be my own safety net at some point. but also I have to allow other people to help me because I think initially when she died I went straight into the shutdown and I don't think I've grieved or processed it still because I shut down because I needed to and even over the past couple of months I'm probably sadder than I ever have been about it but that's because I'm starting to open up rather than just shutting down and a lot of that has come down to me changing the way I look at things and becoming more vulnerable and actually the more vulnerable become the more you open yourself up to the feelings that you've repressed for quite some time and I, you know, it's tough because, you know, people lose grandparents you know, one thing I fucking hate is pity parties about anything it's it's not the worst thing in the world to happen to you know anyone but it's the worst thing in the world that's ever happened to me so you know there isn't one way of dealing with grief, grief is a completely unique experience for everyone and I don't think I've grieved or processed it properly but I am I'm starting to now you know three oddies on and that's a very weird feeling but I think that's because I'm in a better position now than I was three years ago to be able to deal with it in a way that is not going to be so detrimental as what it would have been three years ago I protected myself and now I'm stronger than I was then and I would argue you probably have more people around you now offering to help yeah I mean I've been so fortunate to have amazing people around me that have always offered help and I've always bowed them away.

10:01And that's a really selfish thing to do. But I think it was a way of defending myself from actually having emotions. Because without emotions and feeling numb seemed like a safer bet. And actually all you're doing is ostracising yourself from the people that love you and you're deflecting away people's love and how are you ever going to feel loved if you don't allow it in? If you don't allow it in. You know what's also interesting about not feeling enough or having low self-worth, which is not feeling enough, is that what we end up doing is we end up then becoming the perfectionist. We end up becoming the people pleaser.

10:46We end up doing all of these things. And you know why we do it? You know why we do it? Because we get the validation from the public. and it's a bit of a charade that we play with the public because we say, look how immaculately dressed I am. So therefore, don't look inside. Because what's outside is good. Look at me on all these television shows doing all this right. Look how I help. But don't look inside. Just don't look inside. And I think the beauty is, is you're saying, you know what? You can look inside now or you can begin to. Yeah. You can have a sneak peek. Have a sneak peek. Yeah. Have a sneak peek.

11:32Now, in the car actually coming over here, I was talking to my guys and I was like, what I find so, what I'm so sad about is that when you have someone who's always been your safety zone and they're no longer there for you, then who do you think you have? Think you have no one. So you become even more self-reliant. And if you're someone who's already started self-reliant, and this is you, right? Self-reliant. Then what does that do to your relationships? What does that do to your lifestyle? And I have some thoughts around this. but in throughout this Megan the press the press saying that he's you wrote it in your book all these things he's this this this that right it feels like your nan was that was the person who you would always go back to yeah 100 and she knew that you were enough she knew that you were enough this is the this is the part that I wanted to get to is that even at this point where you sit on the couch, do you feel like you're enough?

12:45No. Why?

12:58Um, I think I am, since I lost my nan, I have reflected a lot on all different parts of my life and I think part of the reason for doing that is because I felt like I was stagnated in a position where I was still lost and I was still confused and I've been with you know since I was probably 12 for all just sorts of different reasons which is why I've done so many different things and whatever else and actually it got to the point where I thought when I lost my nan I don't I have no one it's just going to be me and I don't want that and part and parcel of doing the book and kind of where I am now is the fact that I don't feel like I'm enough and it's about understanding why I don't feel like I'm enough and kind of understanding myself better and kind of trying to work that out and I still haven't managed to do that I still haven't managed to work out why I feel that way and I still haven't managed to work out what will make me feel like I ever am but it's a process it's a process that I'm kind of in the middle of but I've done so many things wrong and I've let so many people down but I don't know how to make that better so yeah I have something that I believe can help you.

14:36I don't know if I've ever written a letter to anyone outside of my wife. I have this letter, and the top part is for you to read on another occasion. But I want you to read this letter, the bottom piece of it. Okay. Let's read it now. Yes. this episode is brought to you by starbucks that is fire whoa that's good this might be the drink of the summer okay i like this one too i'm rocking with it okay try it for yourself starbucks refreshers concentrates are coming home find them in the coffee aisle and make it yours

15:34You want me to read that bottom, but yes. I honour her by being kind to myself when I fall short. Patient as I grow and accepting of who I am with all my flaws. In this way I keep her love alive. I am enough just as I am.

16:06There's more, but do you know what this is?

16:17The reason why I wrote this for you is because your nan loved you regardless. This is what you said. She loved you regardless. It didn't matter the success. It didn't matter the headline. It didn't matter what people said. She loved you because of you. And in particular, what I've noticed about you, and I think that we all need to, as just human beings, we need to talk more about how we feel about others. But in particular, when we talk about masculinity today, we have to talk more about men expressing their emotions to each other. And one thing that I do want to say, I want to make sure that this is loud and clear, is that I love you.

17:06I truly love you. And I've observed you for so many years. And I see that what you do for everyone else is that you are kind to everyone. You are supportive with everyone. and you are patient with everyone with the exception of one person.

17:32You are kind, you are supportive and you are patient with everyone but who?

17:44Hey, I see people, the crew, on some of these reality shows, right, that we've done together, And I remember we were in Dominican Republic, and I bought you like 50 shots. Yeah. Right. I think we drank half of them. Yeah, we did. We did. It was the one night that you said to me that you were going to drink. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. 50 shots. Yeah. Yeah. You did drink. Yeah. Yeah. We went for it. We did. And I remember looking around, because I'm, you know, super people watcher. I'm looking around. I'm like, I wonder what is it about this guy Pete? What is it? What do people love about him? And it is because that, you know, you are supportive, kind, and patient regardless of the person's class, of their race, of their ethnicity, of their gender.

18:37You are always that person. And that's what people love about you. That's what I love about you. And so when I think about your Nan, that's what she loved about you. And she saw that early. She saw that before everyone else. And so how could you honor her? One way is the route that you're talking about. And that is, I need to figure out why I didn't do all these things in the past. I say, screw that. I say, instead, just say every day, I'm going to be patient, supportive, and kind to myself. And if you do that, that's honoring her to the highest. And that is what is going to allow you to be able to move from a place of not feeling enough or worthy to a place of, you know what?

19:32I am enough. So this is an affirmation that I would ask for you to do every day for the next 30 days, minimum. and it's hard to do this. I've done this exact thing. It's very hard. You could do it because I know you're an overachiever, so you could do it all the way up to 90 days. But when you do this, what you do is you begin to literally reprogram yourself because a question I have, and this is hard for me to ask it because I believe I know the answer, but I think we need to start at this place, is that today, are you happy?

20:16No. Okay. I don't feel like you are either. Right? You're pleasant. Right? You come, you smile. Right? But are you happy? I don't know if, I don't believe you are. You're right. You're not. But where does happiness come from? There's all types of formulas around happiness, but most people say it's a 40, 10, 50 rule. Right? 40 of it is genetic. So I'm Jamaican. Jamaicans are not happy. So even though everyone, you always see the Jamaicans smiling, no, go to Kingston, you'll see we're not happy. So it's like, but so 40 % of it is genetic. 10 % of it is circumstantial. It's like, okay, do I have money in my account?

20:59You know, am I going home to sleep in a house? Like, you know, do I have those things? Do I relatively have health? That's the 10%. But the 50%, the greatest percentage is what we control. and how we control that is by doing the work and this is the work these exercises to help us to understand and appreciate who we are and why we are and so this for me is critically critically important for you critically important i am i've never done anything like that before never done affirmations or anything like that but I said to you at the start of this that I would be honest with you and do it 100 and for the first time in my life and I think you know if I say I'm going to do something I'll do it yes then I will do that yes I will do that yes I don't know what you know I'm quite skeptical about a lot of things as you know but um I would do that because because I trust you and um you know you said it to me and and you know without this becoming some sort of weird loving like I love you as a person as well you know over the over the past however many years that we've kind of known each other you've always been someone that I've always felt easy or found it easy to talk to for different reasons and people saw little bits on celebs go dating and then they're gonna see us sitting here and of course you've nearly made me cry because you're a fucking prick.

22:30But aside from that, we've spoken many times off camera. And so I will do that for you, but I will do that for myself. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. All right. I feel it. And if you want to hear the full unfiltered stories from today's guest, you can check them out on the We Need to Talk page. Drop a like, leave a comment, and hit subscribe. See you next week. Thank you.