Relationship Expert: “Onlyfans Is DESTROYING Modern Dating!”, Why He Is Cheating! And “Trying Open Relationships, Means You CANT Trust Again”?! - Sadia Khan

26:25I'm not saying they're wrong or bad women, but their perception of sex is it's a fun activity. It's not a sacred activity. Nothing wrong with that. But as a result of it being a fun activity, just like how you might play tennis with a couple of people, they might see sex in that same way. It's not that serious. If you want to know how monogamous a woman is, it's not how you treat her. It's how she sees sex. So you have to bear that in mind. This is fair. So now we're living in a day and age where there's a massive, I will call sex positivity movement. We had a guest talking about monogamish relationships, polyamorous relationships, polyandrous relationships.

27:00Do you believe that that non-monogamous relationships, is that helpful or hurtful to dating? Do you know, it's hard to tell because culturally people have always been polygamists and it's always worked. It's never been so much of a problem. In this day and age, I think because the exit plan is so easy when things are not working out, polygamy added to that doesn't actually help. I haven't actually seen too many polygamists and marriages work out. And the reason being is, in my personal experience, what I've noticed is when a man allows a woman to access another man on his watch, she can no longer trust and respect her original man ever again.

27:42Something happens to her. Maybe with women it's different. I don't know enough. But say, for example, if my husband says, hey, you can go sleep with this guy. No worries. Go have fun. Enjoy yourself. Just keep me in the loop. In the process of me doing that, what will happen is I don't feel like he's protective and providing. He's not a protective man anymore. I could be wrong, but that's what I've noticed. This is fair. And I like how you preface that from my experience. So what about the woman in that situation that would push back and say, well, I have complete agency over my body and I can protect and provide myself?

28:14In that case, then here's the thing. Marriage isn't for you then. It's as simple as that. I'll meet girls that say, I'm a complete free person. I have complete agency over my sex. I don't need someone telling me what to do. Marriage is an institution. It involves restrictions. It involves being answerable to somebody. The whole process is like checking yourself into prison and saying, I'm a free person. Marriage is an emotional prison in some ways. So when you have that mentality, by all means have that mentality, but don't try and squeeze it into marriage. Marriage isn't for you then because marriage involves compromising.

28:47Sometimes we have to let go of our agency and replace it with community, the two of us. We have to make communal decisions. if you are opposed to communal decisions and anybody stepping in and saying sometimes I know you're free to do whatever you want but that affects me that makes me feel uncomfortable when you're going out with that guy at this time and it makes me feel uncomfortable if your response is well I do what I want you're not fit to be a wife but if your response is I understand there's times where you do certain things that I also don't like I don't also like when you're talking to that that secretary I don't feel comfortable when both of you understand that there's sometimes you have to do what's best for the marriage rather than what's best for you you're built to be married.

29:25Wow. I tell you what, what you are saying right here and now is completely counter to what you hear pop media talking about right now. It's very bold. And I also mentioned that even if a man is like that, marriage is not for you. Yes. Even if a man, I promise you, even if you have a man who is like, I do whatever I want, you can't tell me what to do. If I'm going to go to the club, I'm going to go to the club. If I want to like pictures, I'm going to like pictures. Don't tell me. No worries. You're not a husband. Right. And the reason why, though, and I'm with you because you're not saying it's gender specific.

29:58But the reason why I think it's so interesting and why it's so bold for you to say this is because of what we talked about with the sexual revolution. And this whole idea of women now are out earning men, especially under the age of 35, out educating men, especially under the age of 35, and at a place where many women can protect themselves, provide for themselves, but yet are still interested in having a committed long-term relationship like a marriage. And you're saying marriage is not for you. That's bold. But what I just think, isn't that common sense? Because the whole purpose of a marriage is taking one person and deciding that you're the person that sometimes I might forego my personal desires to make our union work.

30:44And he should be doing the same thing. Now, if neither of us are prepared to do that, we can't be married. We can be friends. We can be living together. We can do something, but we can't be married. But from your perspective as somebody who is married, do you feel like sometimes you do have to forego what you truly want in order to make the marriage work? Or do you think it should just be two agencies? Yeah. So this is a great question. And this is where to a certain degree, I agree with you. But where I disagree with you is that it's dependent on the type of relationship that you want. Right.

31:13You know, I think that when you speak, and there's a reason why I think it is so confident is that you speak with a certain set of values. Yeah. Right. But the challenge, though, is that you can't take those values and apply them to everyone. Right. Because everyone has a different set of values. Absolutely. And so, but I think you and I share a lot of the same values. So when I hear you, I'm like, okay, I get it. I get what you're saying. Do you think that if two people wanted to be totally independent and do whatever they want and came together in a marriage, do you think they could still last a long time?

31:44Or do you think the lack of compromise would eventually lead them to break up? Depends what you want. You know, there's a massive movement around living apart, but together. Right. And I have friends actually who are in this zone. Yeah. So they sleep in different beds. A matter of fact, sometimes they sleep in different homes. Oh, wow. They have children, but they are not, they don't consider themselves intellectually equal. Right. They don't consider themselves best friends. You know, they have a loose relationship. They're completely satisfied with their relationship. I don't think they'll ever break up.

32:22Could I exist in that relationship? Hell no. Well, what I would say in those relationships, and I've witnessed this as well, particularly in Dubai, people live double lives. They're very, very affluent. So they can afford to kind of, you know, separate rooms. So they certainly have their nannies, all that stuff. So what I noticed in those scenarios is there's always one of those that's giving more to make that scenario work. So one of them is paying both bills. So one of them is cooking meals forever. So somebody's still investing more to keep that co-parenting environment alive. And that's the person that resents the other more.

32:55I think we're totally on the same page is that on a percentage basis, will those relationships, you know, on a higher percentage, will they fail? Absolutely. Yeah, they will. But I can see the logic in it because I've seen that work where they waited until the kids are old enough where they can actually speak to them about the divorce and they can, you know. And I'm like, you know, I understand that. If it's waiting until the kids get into a particular school where they can both co-parent, well, why not? Deal with that. Why not? I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm loving this conversation. All right.

33:24Let's talk about this too, is that 2020, the number of OnlyFans users was 85 million. But in 2023, that number had increased to 170 million. Is OnlyFans helping or hurting modern dating? It's destroying modern dating. What I hate about the OnlyFans conversation is how much the focus is on the girls that are ruining dating. There's 120 million users. There's not 120 million OnlyFans models. It's the men that are funding this that are the real problem. It's the men's obvious desire to kind of have interaction with a woman that they're sexually attracted to. That is fueling their poor self-destructive behavior.

34:08And there's men that are married that do this. And so it's a very ugly kind of coping mechanism. But I think something that is underreported is how many of the OnlyFans girls are actually not taking home the money and it's actually going to a boyfriend that's set it up for her and it's actually going to a trafficker. So the whole industry is very, it's just a very dirty environment. I can understand from the woman's perspective, she makes more money than she could ever make by herself. And I always say this, like as a woman who's an endless reach, endless reach, I don't make a quarter of an OnlyFans model considering how much I help men.

34:44It just shows you where I'm prioritizing in this day and age. I don't think it's their fault. I'm sure that the over-sexualization of women and the sexual movement has made them like that. And if it's anything towards a woman who doesn't love you, doesn't care about you, doesn't want you, and you're just paying to see her naked and you're just paying for her sexual attention, you naturally start to hate yourself. As a man, you naturally start to hate yourself because deep down you get 10 minutes of pleasure, but really you feel pathetic afterwards. You have to feel pathetic. And if you don't, you should.

35:16Because the self-esteem of a man is really measured by what he does in the dark. If secretly he's watching a lot of pornography and paying for OnlyFans girls, trying to see them nakedly, there's no way he can be proud of that behavior. And as a result, he slowly starts to dislike himself. And he engages in more and more self-destructive behavior. So I don't think it's a healthy environment. What do you think of it? Yeah, you're saying it's destroying it. Yeah. We had a guest on, Lauren Goodger. Do you know Lauren Goodger? from the only ways Essex oh yeah Lauren yes she was with Mark Bright yes we spoke a lot about Mark Bright um she said something that really struck me and that was so she's on OnlyFans okay but but she's on it reluctantly okay because it was the only thing that she could do to of course the bills and it makes total sense you can't make that kind of money in the real world so why wouldn't you like it makes total sense I'm a Muslim woman it would never crossed my mind but if i wasn't and if i didn't have this kind of hang up about sex or whatever it was and you can make thousands and thousands if you're lucky in one month and then retire after a couple of months or a year what it's a no-brainer for a woman in this day and age i just can't understand the male perspective in it i just can't whatever no matter how much i try and understand and this that and the other if curiosity is more important than you than self respect.

36:34There's problems. All right. We have to take a breath and say that OnlyFans is not for everyone, but it is for some people and it is a legal platform. What Sadi is talking about is her set of values. And it really shows that she has high self-respect because she's holding her values and her beliefs in high regard. That's what self-respect means. So if you want to have self-respect. If you want to nurture that, what it means is first you need to identify what it is that you believe in, what it is that you value, and you have to hold it in high regard, which means that you don't sneak around in private, you shout about it from the rooftop.

37:16So if OnlyFans is your thing and you're proud of that, so then talk about it. Talk to your partner about it. Share that with them. That is holding yourself in high respect. But if you feel like you can't share with your partner that you look at OnlyFans, that's absolutely not having high self-respect. There's a couple of ways to look at it. One is there's 170 million users. We know there's probably 4 billion men. So that's an infantile percentage of how many men. So it is some of some of some of some of some of some men, right? So that's one. Secondly is that I, So me personally, it's interesting.

37:56I was on a show. We were talking about OnlyFans. And the host said, well, Paul, what do you think of OnlyFans? And I said, you know, I've never been on it. And she said, that's a lie. I said, no, I've really never been on it. She said, that's a lie. All men have been on it. And I think that a massive challenge that men have, and this is something that I personally have. It's an issue that I have is that we're lopped into this one category of you are stupid. You are sex obsessed. You will never make anything of your life. And the fact is, is that that's not helpful. Yeah, it's not useful. And it's not factual.

38:38Yeah. You know? But do you think that's a generational thing? Do you think that like maybe you escaped it, but do you think if you were 28, do you think your mindset would be different? mindset to to only fans like all these things because the conditioning received from these young boys is to sexualize them from a very very young age to get them used to seeing nudity all the time we're paying for it so is is a gradual and easy step right no no so so to your point of uh can it can it be detrimental yeah i'm with you yeah it absolutely can in a variety of ways Do you think it could be healthy in any way?

39:14Yeah. And for a month? I do. And where I see it being helpful is especially if you're with a partner. So there's several people that are friends of mine who are advocates for ethical pornography. Yeah. And when you have a partner and when you're discussing what's happening, you're using it as an opportunity to experiment. You're using it as an opportunity to learn. I think it can be healthy. You know, another piece of it is that I know there's quite a, and I don't know how many couples, but there are some couples that I know, one in particular, who they use OnlyFans, they use pornography as the turn on, right?

39:55That's their availability or that's their opportunity to not physically interject a third person, but to have people using third people than actual pornography is because third people give you genuine reality check of what it's like to have an affair. It's a headache. It's a lot of work. These women come with their own baggage and issues. I've met so many men that have actually had the affair that never again. I'm going to be so monogamous to my wife because this girl that I had an affair with was an absolute nightmare. She drove me crazy, blah, blah. So the reason why I'm actually more of an advocate that you go sleep with 10 girls than watch one pornography, or you go have a mistress and get addicted to pornography is because real women will give you real problems and real problems will remind you how much you love your wife but but instead of like that either or yeah what about the gray which is the the the partnership yeah who says you know what we love each other we want to have yeah uh a third person in temporarily we had a guest on who uh they go to sex parties right i'm i'm assuming you are not pro-sex parties absolutely not you were not at a sex party last night where are you i'm so sorry i missed it that night but next week and actually they were saying that london has some wild really sex parties okay what was interesting is that they said that what they do is similar but it's it is better than than watching pornography.

41:25Okay. Because they don't have sex with other people, but they have sex in front of other people, watch other people get turned on by, it's the voyeurism. Okay, the voyeurism, yeah. Okay, so the feel of fantasy in that moment. Yes. Do you know what it is? I need to see long-term data on OnlyFans, pornography, and threesomes for me to then understand what the real reality is. Because it's been compact in our generation, we don't know what it's like in the long term. So because of that, I have to reserve judgment. But my general issue, it tends to be with just three cents and stuff like that in general, is the couple is using another human being as a toy.

42:05And I feel a bit like we as human beings shouldn't really start to degrade human beings into just stimulants to our pleasure. So when we're saying that that's empowering and their sexual freedom, what about that third girl? What about her? So whereas, you know, like, again, this is where my cultural bias is, where people always ask me, oh, but you're from a polygamous environment and, you know, you come from Muslim backgrounds where they have two wives. For me, I still see an element of respect to another woman that you're marrying, providing, having children for. You're forced to be, provide and protect in that environment as well.

42:38Whereas a threesome environment is like she can be in your house the next day. We don't even care. No, who she is, what she is. She could have a disease. We don't care. is a lack of, it's a psychopathy that we're breeding in human beings to use another human being as a device to stimulate your own pleasure that I take an objection to. And I hear it, but you know, I've talked to the third girl and the third boy. And typically what I hear is that they've detached themselves emotionally to what's happening and they are there because pleasure seeking themselves. Yeah. But I still think consensual pleasure seeking has a long-term negative impact on a human being.

43:15I don't know how much we are showing respect to people when we are just capitalizing on their vulnerability towards pleasure seeking in this moment in time and not thinking about in the long run, we're good. We've got each other. We're going to have a family. We're good. You're going to be still roaming around. I don't know how healthy that is for humans. No, I'm with you. I think I need to introduce you to my friend and you two need to go to a sex party together so you could watch. I could never. I can't even be on a beach without being a bit embarrassed. I'm a very, very conservative human being.

43:50Are you a one piece with a cover up at the beach? I'm women's only beaches. Women's only swimming pools. Women's only beaches. They have that in Dubai and pools as well. It's just how I was raised. It was just like a bikini scene as underwear. So you're like, it's haram. I know it's just stuck with you over the years yeah it's just stuck with me it's not so weird oh wow no no it's such a strange thing no no i mean it's it's interesting that's new and i live in dubai where it's just like this sun see everywhere uh but it's just what i was raised as and i think i just kind of maintained it throughout same with alcohol i've never touched it regardless of the environment i've just never touched it it's just certain things when i can internalize a value it sticks with me forever yes and so when i when i haven't internalized it i'll chop and change but once it's internalized, it's ingrained in it.

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46:37Tap the banner to learn more. All right. So now we have to move on to something that you have titled. You're the first person that I've heard say this statement, the narcissistic movement. Yes. Tell me about this. And, you know, I remember talking a lot about this, but I've never seen an environment where women are so encouraged to be narcissistic, yet play victim to narcissism. It's bizarre. And I think it stems from just how we view our bodies, first and foremost. And a lot of it, like I remember thinking this during the abortion debate. Children are not body parts. Children are human beings.

47:15Me having a baby is a mutual decision. It's two peoples. It's really, really two peoples. So when we hear slogans like my body, my choice, it implies that only a woman decides if a baby lives or dies. And I couldn't get on board with that. It's two human beings. I couldn't have got through life with just my mom. I couldn't have. There's times where she would upset me. I would have to run to my dad. In no way, shape, or form did I ever feel like I belonged to my mom simply because she birthed me. They loved me equally. So that was one time where I just thought it's narcissistic to assume a child is just your body part.

47:47and then it was just always just generally how we view pre-nups how we view marriage how we and even now i see a lot of things online saying oh if he's broke don't do this and he should pay for this and he should pay for this but there's no and yet if you say to the same women but you know are you prepared to like compromise and cook and clean why should i so it's wanting the man to still be a man while the woman remains a man and it's it doesn't seem fair and um even when i see like dating coaches for women the advice for women is very much like you need to love yourself he should love, love, love it.

48:18Be narcissistic. Be your own biggest fan. It's like my personal advice to everybody is be your own biggest critic. I don't allow others to disrespect me. I don't allow anybody else to criticize me. But me personally, I'm incredibly hard on myself because only then can I take accountability and improve. But I don't have this. I'm amazing. I'm amazing. Look at yourself. Love you. Absolutely not. Sometimes I fuck up. Sometimes I'm great. Sometimes I'm awful. So the narcissistic movement in relationships in particular, and especially motherhood. In motherhood in particular, I find like, you know, when they kind of deprive fathers of the access to the children or when they try and fight for custody only to get more child support or when they refuse to have any prenups, it's just teaching women to go into relationships with the mentality to get rather than give.

48:59And I don't think it's healthy. Well, do you think that the rate of narcissism is increasing faster for women or for men? For women by far, and yet they claim to be victims of it. I don't know how easy it would be to become narcissistic. You just post a beautiful picture, endless attention, endless attention, endless attention. So what ends up happening is your partner in particular becomes seen as disposable because you see comments as alternatives, but they're not. They're just not. But you start to see, well, I get a thousand likes, I get a thousand comments, I get so many guys trying to fly me out.

49:32Everybody in your life starts to become a bit disposable, particularly the man you select. And men do this too, where they don't actually become narcissistic. They become pathetic because they're the ones that are chasing the women that are narcissistic. They're the ones that are liking, commenting, trying to get better. So they become more pathetic. She becomes more narcissistic and the dynamic is off from the get-go. Wow. Again, this is not all. This is the 1%. Yeah, it's the 1%. But your thought is that for women, that narcissism is growing faster than men. It grows faster. Namely what? Because of social media.

50:03Social media. social media and just the zeitgeist of feeling like you're constantly the victim, you deserve better, you've been oppressed for so long. And one of the things that, you know, really drives narcissism is a victim mentality. And women have been instilled this victim mentality that men have oppressed you for so long. So now it's your time to get it back. We as women have not experienced it in our lifetime in excessive oppression. Even in back in the day, women were not more oppressed than say a black man or a black woman. It wasn't really like this, that women were just massively oppressed.

50:34But that narrative has sunk in so deeply that they are natural victims. And a victim in every scenario will never take accountability. And the person who doesn't take accountability will never contribute to the discussion. And therefore, it's breeding a mentality of narcissism. All right, let's unpack what Saudia just said a bit. One is, I agree that the number of narcissists are growing, yes, but we have to understand there's a difference between being a diagnosed narcissist, which a small percentage of us are, and having narcissistic traits, which all of us do. So this is very important. Secondly, it's important to understand that the rates of narcissism and narcissistic traits are growing in not just women, but men as well.

51:22Wait, wait. Did I hear you just say that women were not more oppressed? Absolutely not. I find that it's so offensive when women say that. And the reason I say that is when we hear about the suffragettes and the idea of feminism, we think about white women that fought for our right to work and white women that fought for equal rights between men and women. We're ignoring the fact that white women in those days owned black men as slaves. White women in those days would have a black man lynched for whistling at her. White women were not more oppressed than men. They were oppressed maybe comparatively to a white man for significantly better treatment to a black man or a black woman.

51:59Black women worked as slaves. So when they say they fought for women's rights, they fought for their rights. They didn't fight for our rights. They didn't fight for our rights. And I can say this because I'm a woman of color, and I don't really talk about that. But I'm a Muslim woman. I see the difference between my brother's treatment to a white woman when they go for it. he is not in any way, shape, or form privileged compared to her. So when I hear this claim, I'm like, oh, but you don't know what it's like to be a man of a color. You don't have the same privilege that you think you do. So I get offended when I think that I'm supposed to attribute my liberal kind of lifestyle and the fact that I work and I can do this to those women when I don't identify with what they fight for.

52:43I have not heard you talk about ethnicity or race, color, when it comes to dating. And I think this is a topic that consciously many of us think about, but we don't discuss. And we need to talk is about us talking about the tough topics. This is a tough topic. Tough topic, yeah. How do you believe that ethnicity impacts dating? It does a lot. It does a lot. If I'm being honest, it does a lot. Men and women differently. So I've spoken a little bit about this. I grew up in London, right? I grew up in all different races of men. And I would see a significant difference in the success rate of like black men, Latin men, compared to like European Indian men.

53:28Completely different. We'd say success rate just in terms of? Access to women. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Access to women is completely different. And when I was younger and I would get approached by all different types of men, there was such a difference in the way that black men handled rejection compared to a white guy and an Indian guy. And I always said the way they handle rejection is why they do so well. And sorry, this might sound a bit offensive. No, no, no. I mean, actually, I really want to hear this. What I would notice about being around Caribbean or African men is that they would not place their self-esteem on your response to their advances.

54:03So you might come up to me and be like, hey, you look great. Like, can I get your number? And I'll be like, I'm so sorry, I'm married. And you'd be like, okay, have a great day, beautiful girl. Keep walking when you're looking for. And that would be it. He would carry on with his day. She would feel great. He wouldn't even remember her. He'd move on to the next girl. And there's no problem. Yeah, it's just another day, another conversation. but what I would notice is that there's an intense anxiety amongst different cultures when speaking to a woman they would pedestalize women so when she would say no it's like oh now I'm not going to speak to another girl for months they're just so anxious around women's responses to what they have to say and I just thought if you start to remember that women are a dime a dozen it's being nice and if they reject you it doesn't reject you you are still you so I just remember they handled rejection so differently and your success rate is how you can handle rejection wow is any truth in that or am I making this up?

54:52I think there are many people that would say absolutely. I think there are people right now like this. I think you have to be a woman that's experienced men of different cultures approaching it. Me being my psychology nature would always analyze what made me stop and talk to him and not stop and talk to him when he might be more handsome. Why did I stop and talk to him? And it was the guys that I would stop and talk to and kind of give the time of day is their self-esteem did not depend on my response. Racial preference when it comes to dating is something that is rarely talked about. Yes. But when we ran our matchmaking agency, what I found to be so interesting is that that was typically the first thing that we were told.

55:30Wow. So before we would ask, and this is across all age, before we would talk about religion, before we would talk about anything, they would say, okay, I'm interested in someone who's white. I'm interested in someone who's black. So do you think that racial preference in dating makes you a racist? No, I don't think so. Because whether you admit it or not, you have it. Yeah, I think everybody has it to some extent. Now, I think for men, their racial preferences have been hijacked by pornography. So it's hard to tell. But I think the average person, when they say they prefer a particular race, usually what they really prefer is an element of being able to be themselves around that person.

56:09Sometimes it's the same race. Other times you'll meet some English girls that would be really attracted to black men, but they grew up with some similarity. Maybe it was some music. Maybe it was a culture. Maybe they grew up in that environment where they were called. So their preference is more their values, but values tend to have a color. And as a result, they navigate it through that. Of course, looks and preference does make a difference, but I do think there's a familiarity in values that comes with color that might be the driving force slightly more. But how do you feel about, let's say that I am a white man living in London.

56:42Yes. And I say, I only date women from Pakistan. That's it. You're in for a treat. Or I'm a black man doing that. Or I am a white woman who says, I only date black men. Yeah. Is that person, is that just a preference or is an element of racism in there? I wonder, I am curious about that myself. Now, if you say to me, I prefer Pakistani women because I like the fact that they've got a culture and I like the food that they cook and I like something about them that is humanized. But if it's just because, oh, because her hips are like this and they usually have boobs like this, then I just think then it's fetishizing.

57:22Over the years, have you seen the increase in desirability of the black man? No. You haven't? No. I've noticed it. No. You haven't noticed? No. I think that a successful any man, there is high desirability around. And when we talk about success, we typically point to what? We talk about income. We talk about high social status, et cetera. If you are anyone that doesn't have that, then there's less desirability, right? And if you look at the world and you look at the average salary for black men, for example, and there's also the rise of a strong middle class, which is phenomenal. But there's a significant percentage of men that are trapped in this system.

58:11And the desirability is, I don't think where it needs to be. Now, is there a fetishizing? Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Like, is there a fetish? Absolutely. I think black women in particular are fetishized to a high degree, to a high degree. Now, the reasons for this are many. For example, my grandfather was part of the Windrush generation. So he came from Jamaica, came to the UK in, say, the late 1940s. And what I've noticed is that for that group, that generation, the quickest way to fully integrate into society was to do what? Marry a white woman. Was to marry a white woman. Indian woman do this as well.

58:56Absolutely. It was every immigrant coming. This is some of the pieces of colonialism that is still baked into society today. And I'm glad we're touching on this because the reason why I believe I stand out as being brave is because for some reason there seems to be a colonialism on our psychology, especially when it comes to marriage and dating. And so when you have somebody like me who resists colonialism and doesn't allow the current dating scheme to infiltrate my thoughts, I'm seen as negative or backlash, particularly by particular types of women. But then a part of me thinks if I'm brave and outspoken, that means maybe some of you are thinking it, but you're not saying it.

59:36Let's focus on men for a second. Yes. Okay. We love men. My favorite topic. You have said there are two types of men. Okay. What are the two types of men that you believe exist? Was it in context of fidelity? Yes. Okay. Well, I said, and I'm happy to, I stand on this hill, by the way. So I would say is it's two types of men. There are some men that are completely monogamous and loyal to their wife. They pick one woman, regardless of the treatment, regardless of the sexual interaction, regardless of how the relationship is going. They are monogamous and faithful to her. They are committed to making it work.

1:00:15They will tolerate anything or not tolerate anything, but they will make it work regardless. those. If they pick well, fantastic. If they don't pick well, it's a bit of an uphill battle, but they'll stay loyal to that. And they might be 25 years in, except all sorts of misbehavior, but they'll stay loyal to their wife. There's other types of men who are loyal to the woman they fell in love with. What that man will do is he'll fall madly in love with this woman. And while he's in love with this woman, he is entirely monogamous. And because she's caring, loving, gives him sex, beautiful, whatever it is that made him fall in love, he's super loyal in that moment.

1:00:47As she no longer is the woman that he fell in love with, he's open to polygamy. He's open to cheating because he's searching for love, not just commitment. So when she changes, like if she's gained a lot of weight, if she's no longer giving sex, if she's no longer giving him attention, kids have come in the way and she no longer is the woman that he married, he's open to strain. He'll still be committed to her, but he's open to strain because he's still trying to find the woman that he fell in love with. As a married man, do you agree or disagree with what that two types of men thing is? I see everything as a scale.

1:01:17Yes. And I'm the opposite. I'm like, you're in general life. You're very binary. Yeah, very binary. Right. But I see it all on a scale. Yeah. And I see how we evolve. Yes. Right. Over time. Like, I am entirely different than that guy in that photo over there. With the pager. With the pager. You know what I mean? Yeah. With the fake gold chain. Fake gold Rolex watch. Right. Very different from that guy. But I didn't just go from one to two. Right. I went from one to 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, 1.4. So I see it as a scale. Yes. And I think that's probably a more logical way to see it. The thing is, it's so easy to be a guy that is just loyal to his wife when you pick wisely.

1:02:03I think selection will enable you to become the guy that's in the middle. You know what? Can I say? I think the number one reason for divorce is because we're with the wrong partners. That's that simple. That's it. Yeah, you pick wisely. And then being loyal to the cause is a fantastic trait. You pick terribly. Being loyal to the cause is pathetic. Yes. Yeah. And similarly, if you pick well, like if she changes, you're okay with it. Because you choose somebody that if they change 10%, 20%, it's not the end of the world. Right. But if you pick somebody, if they change even 1%, you're going to no longer love them.

1:02:31You're picking wrong. So right selection will lead you to become a man that's got the right values. We're on the same page. We're on the same page. Does your wife make it easy for you to be guy number one who's just loyal to the wife? Oh, my gosh. It's one of these where I feel like I lucked up. But then at the same time, what I realized is that, thank God, my parents and different people around me, like my uncle, et cetera, taught me. They showed me what healthy love looks like. Praise be to God. Very lucky. To be in a partnership. To be a man. Yeah. That's what it is. In a relationship to be a father.

1:03:10And so I saw that. So when I got into that relationship, well, one is I was able to, I think, understand that I need to have someone who does share my values. I need to have someone who I do have a level of physical attraction to. I need to have someone who we can manage conflict. Yes. Because I remember that's what we were doing early on when we were dating is we were figuring out can we resolve conflict. Yeah. Yeah. But most importantly, what I saw was that life was so much better with my then girlfriend. Yes. Everything was better. It's so much better, isn't it? It's just so much better. The predictability, the stability, the sounding board to all of your thoughts.

1:03:47It's a really wonderful experience. Again, I feel really bad saying it because I don't mean to be on a high horse or anything like that, because I know how difficult it is to find someone. But if you can find them, you don't want to go back on the market. Trust me, just because somebody else is a bit hotter or somebody else is a bit younger, you don't want to go back on the market. It's not that easy to find that. It's not. So if you're a young man, actually a man of any age watching this and you're single and you'd like to be in a relationship, like to be in a committed relationship, what do you advise him to do?

1:04:18Selection is the only thing that would determine whether or not you have a good relationship. And what predetermines your selection is your self-esteem. So if you have high self-esteem, your number one thing is you'll select women that want you. Where men get it wrong is that they forget that women just are very binary when it comes to this. They either like you or they don't. It's very, very simple. Where men get it wrong is they pick women in the woman that don't like you category and try and buy their love or try and convince her to want him. And then when she finally gets him, he thinks he's like the cat who got all the prizes.

1:04:54He thinks he's so proud of himself. When really having to convince and beg is poor selection in itself. So my number one advice to men is forget women who are not into you. Just they're a waste of your time. Focus on the women that are into you. Select wisely amongst those. Don't compromise on attraction. But the underlying thing is how much she's invested into you and how much she loves you. After you've chosen from women that like you, have a look at their moral compass before you. So what was the best predictor of future relationships, unfortunately, is past relationships. What was her relationship like before you?

1:05:28Were they very chaotic, very, very disruptive? Was there a lot of infidelity? Have a look at it. No one's going to be perfect. Absolutely no one's going to be perfect. But if she engaged in behaviors that you believe were non-negotiables, you believe that maybe she did some things or she had a pattern or something that you believe is a non-negotiable, maybe she was really disrespectful, whatever it was. If it's a non-negotiable and she really likes you, still it's not going to work. But if she likes you a lot. And her previous relationships and her previous patterns have shown that she has mistakes like everybody else, but it's not non-negotiable.

1:05:58She made a few mistakes, but it's not non-negotiable. It's not something that's going to break down the relationship. That's your woman. You believe men should be married. You believe there's strong benefits to having a wife. Absolutely. There's strong benefits to the values of marriage, not just being married. If you're a man that just enters marriage, but then behaves like an unmarried man, there's no point you being married but the values behind marriage which is a compromise understanding a woman understanding how to be a father understanding how to look after children setting boundaries is very very important in being a married man expressing your genuine feedback to your woman not being scared of what she has to say not being terrified of this woman and her reaction being a true married man in in a real marriage sense is incredibly beneficial As long as you are inauthentically yourself in that marriage, you are leading in the right direction and you have incredible self-control.

1:06:52Being a married man that's just a puppy to his wife, who's afraid to tell her what he really thinks, who just follows her around like a lost cause and then lives a separate life behind her back because he secretly resents her, there's no point in you being married. You're getting nothing from this. You're just getting a shared accommodation, but you're not getting anything else. So the true values of marriage, I think, benefit men more than they do anyone else. And the reason being is men have a lack of a circle where they can express themselves and be themselves. They don't really have intimate conversations with their fellow friends or this, they don't have that circle.

1:07:23So when they can create an environment in their home where they can express themselves, they can give honest feedback. Oh, I didn't like dinner today. Can you try it again next time with this? Or they can say, look, we haven't had sex in a while. Can you please, can we do something about this? when they can be their honest, true self, authentic self, it's an outlet like no other. Yeah, because they can't do it anywhere else. We as women have the luxury of doing it even on social media if we wanted to. We could just express ourselves or whatever we want. We're so lucky in that regard. Men just don't have that.

1:07:50So if they can create a safe space in their home, they'll never want to leave it. When if they're always trying to get out the house, always trying to leave, always trying to leave their wife, their home is not a safe space. So they really need to learn to cultivate that in order to have a good life. All right. What Sadia just said is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way, but it's the truth. And it doesn't just apply to men. It applies to women as well. And what I've learned in all of the coaching and counseling I've done is that the higher standards we have, in other words, the higher boundaries we have, the higher quality of life we have.

1:08:26And it's very important to put those boundaries in place because if you don't, you will turn even well-intentioned partners into bullies. What does that mean? That means understanding what your values are and making sure that you understand what is acceptable and unacceptable to you based on those values. And remember, if you can't speak that, if you can't be your own self-advocate, no one will. So it's important for you to know your values, use your values to create your boundaries and hold to those. Otherwise, I promise you, you will turn even well-intentioned partners into bullies. And you've actually suggested some of these already, but what do you believe if you're dating, okay, right now, what are men's biggest red flags?

1:09:18Yeah, I have spoken about this a lot before. But what I would say is, firstly, look at their relationship with their parents and look at their relationship with their father more than anything else. A lot of people will say, you just have to look at the relationship with his mother. As you treat his mother right, he's going to be amazing to you. Actually, no. It's their relationship with masculinity that is far more important in their marriage than anything else. Now, if they have a father figure, some men are unfortunately with fathers that they don't respect. but they didn't generalize that to masculinity overall they didn't generally be like you know men can be so cruel women are victims they just had a dislike to their father but they still remained relatively objective when it comes to men and women that's totally fine but if he has this really negative view of his father never accessed his father because mom never allowed it or whatever it is or just thinks really low of his father and just has a really negative relationship with it what happens is their introduction to masculinity is negative as a result they start to replicate what their mother taught them in the home in relationships.

1:10:17And usually mothers, what they want out of their sons is obedience, respect, follow orders, and they trust their mother blindly. They don't vet your mom when you're trusting your mom. You just accept what she has to say. That man, when he goes into relationships, he thinks women love obedience. They think women love somebody who just follows orders. They think women love a guy that just trusts them blindly. So what happens is he forgets what women are actually sexually attracted to because he learned what women like through the lens of his mom. He didn't watch mom and dad's interaction and learn anything from that.

1:10:48He just learned from mom. And as a result, he goes into relationships weaker. And you don't want that because eventually you will get frustrated with him. He'll be like an extra child. So look at his relationship with men and look at his relationship with his father first and foremost. This is actually one of the things I found most fascinating, is your positioning on attractive women. Yes. Okay. do you think that it's it's hard actually what is an attractive woman here's what i would say true attraction is is that their beauty can surpass their demographics and what i mean by that is some girls are only beautiful in their area some girls are only beautiful to men of the same race some girls are only beautiful to the men of the same age truly attractive is universal it's something that we can we can put on a billboard in every country gucci campaign across the world, everybody will stop and look when it's a particular supermodel.

1:11:41It's universal. So I think true, highly attractive, not everybody can be attractive, but hyper attractive is when it's universally appealing across demographics, age, race, gender. Most people can universally agree this person would cause me to stop scrolling and pay attention. That's what it's, it's not just your culture. It's not just your, you know, race or your age. Everybody can agree. Would you agree? That's true attraction. That's truly high level of attraction. Is that just physicality or are there behavioral traits in there too? You know, I would say, look, essentially when I first started social media, my motivator was, I'm so bored of seeing beautiful women who I don't know what their voice is like.

1:12:21I'm so bored of just seeing beautiful girls. I can't tell you what their voice sounds like because they don't talk, they just post pictures of them online in sexy outfits and yet they got a million followers. I was bored of that and I was just like oh god I really can't see this on my feed anymore so part of me was like let me I just want to know what they talk about what social what that taught me is you actually don't need a personality to be seen as attractive because there's girls with a million followers who have not released one thing about their personality online I've never seen them speak about anything and they make millions on brand deals so I do think we'd like to believe it's very much personality linked it helps of course elegance class speaking all that helps But just look at the average influencer.

1:13:05Sometimes they talk rubbish and they still have endless brand deals and endless followers. So I think it's idealistic to think that personality matters as much when it comes to attractive. Objective beauty is objective beauty. Wow, objective. So what is it specifically, do you think that men, sort of saying heterosexual men, what are they most attracted to in women? I think one thing that they're really attracted to is women being attracted to them. So all she has to be is an attractive woman. And if she gives them a glimmer of hope that she likes him, automatically she's a supermodel in their eyes.

1:13:38So I do think reciprocity is like that. But generally speaking, men have different types. Yeah, they come in different types. Blonde, blue eyes. It can be a curvy brunette. It can be all different types. So I don't want to speak on behalf of what all men find attractive. But I genuinely think all men generally find attractive is an element of beauty with sex appeal. too much beauty with no sex appeal is nice but they won't stay interested too much sex appeal with no beauty again nice but it's replaceable it's a combination of beauty with some element of sex appeal now that can come from their inner personality their aura so and so but they need that in equal measure in order for them to be truly mesmerized by a woman okay can you answer that for me what do men find attractive okay yeah i i think it's it's the sliding scale again It is.

1:14:20There's so many different elements to it. I like what you're talking about with regard to beauty and sex appeal, and there's a combination. I think also you have the sapiosexuals out there that want to be intellectually stimulated. You have others that double down on the physicality. It's interesting. When I first saw my wife, there were two things that truly pulled me in. One was I was just looking at her and it was a very hourglass shaped and I feel like I'm predispositioned to a nice butt. So I was like, okay, I like, I like what's happening here. But then immediately after we were in this, we were like in this pre-college program, but it was a program where everyone in the small group had to take a test and we walk in.

1:15:10So we had taken a test before we walk in and they're handing out the scores. She had scored the highest in the group. Oh, beautiful. I was like, oh my gosh, she was brilliant. Do men like intelligence? Because, I mean, I get lots of nice comments and stuff. But when I speak to men and actually see who they're madly in love with, it will be some bimbo that they met. And they're just madly. You know, I find that men with low self-esteem are just so excited to have a beautiful woman. Whether she has a brain cell or not is not relevant. Whereas with men with high self-esteem, they get beautiful women anyway.

1:15:41And I thank you for qualifying that. Because you were like, are men interested? I was like, of course men are interested in intelligence. But I think self-esteem makes a big difference. It is. It is. I mean, ultimately, I think this is the common theme, no matter what gender, et cetera, is self-esteem, our well-being. Yeah. You know, and the higher that well-being, the higher quality that enters our life. And also, it's interesting, like the higher well-being, it's the higher the fences. Yes. In order to jump into our life. The lower the well-being, the lower the fence. Everyone gets it. I would agree.

1:16:12I think it takes a level of high self-esteem to go for something beyond looks in a woman. And I would hope most men can see how important it is to do that. Yes. Yeah. But let's say looks are important. They are important. Absolutely. Looks are important. And so I put a lot, I know I talk a lot about this, but I do say, because sometimes people say to me, why do you wear makeup? And I say, because I respect myself. Why wouldn't I wear makeup? Why should I just be an intelligent woman and nothing else? You as a woman can be, you know, well put together. You can look after your hair and nails and all those things.

1:16:39It shouldn't be either or. For some reason, I felt like when I came online, they wanted me to either just be a plain Jane and then talk really like about these things or like not talk about these things and just stick to hair and makeup and all these things. As a woman, you can definitely have both if you prioritize both. I still take a lot of pride in my friends and I think you should never stop that because essentially as an element of self-respect, I do encourage women to get to the gym, look after yourself, put a bit of makeup on, look after yourself only because you will feel better about yourself.

1:17:10You will genuinely feel better. People will treat you nicer. It's just a nicer experience in general when you are fulfilling your potential. All right. Fair, fair. Can we say one more thing about attractive women? I know they're going to say, stop in a second, but I only have two more questions. Three more questions. On this attractive women front, you have said in the past that men react negatively to attractive women. Yes. Why is that? Men automatically go in two directions when they see a beautiful woman. They either go in awe or they go into hostility. It's one or the other. And when their self-esteem is super, super low and they're really low about themselves, they immediately want to reject her before she can reject him.

1:17:55They want to find reasons to kind of get rid of their attraction because they know they have this attraction. Chances are it's not going to be reciprocated. So they have to get rid of it. And the quickest way to get rid of it is pretend you're not interested, have to make fun of her appearance, tell her there's something about her age, tell her something about this. They have to somehow obliterate her self-esteem in order for them to make sense of why they're so attracted to her, but get rid of it because they don't want to face the rejection. So I think men can go in two directions and they definitely make negative assumptions about beautiful women when they have low self-esteem.

1:18:24The number one assumption is that she's going to be promiscuous. Another assumption is she's going to be dumb. Another assumption is she's going to be manipulative. They make more and more negative assumptions about beautiful women, mainly because they've never had access to them. When you have access to beautiful women all the time, you realize that there's no real difference between them and the average girl. They can be similar, they can be dissimilar. We're all human. But their negative perception shows that they haven't had enough access. And as a result, they feel the need to discourage her.

1:18:50Wow. How do women react to attractive women? They can go in, again, two directions. Very similar. They can either pedestal, want to look like her, want to be like her, want to be everything like her. It's kind of like the Kardashian effect. You've either become a woman that's invested in all the surgeries and looks exactly like her and stuff, or you absolutely hate them. And what I find with women when it comes to attractive women, even the women that say that they're girls' girls, women will always side with a woman that they find least threatening looks-wise. Yeah, that's it. So what I mean by this is, let's say, for example, I'll post a video and a girl might insult me endlessly in my comments.

1:19:26And then if I just say, well, answer back, they'll be like, oh, how can you answer her back? You're so rude. They side with the person they least threatened by. And as a result, any interaction you have as a beautiful woman with another woman, automatically women will side with the person that is least attractive because she's least of a threat. And so therefore they're more on her team. So they do this in general. They do this in general. They always side with women that they least threatened by. High self-esteem women are not threatened by attractive women. As a result, when they see an attractive woman online, they either scroll past because they're not interested or they support because they are not threatened.

1:19:59When they have low self-esteem, they have to somehow or another take something away from her have to and in my particular case what they've done in my particular case is if they can't take away um from anything what they'll do is they'll if they can't take away from the message because they're not intellectually apt enough or if they can't intellectually take away from my looks because that's too obviously a sign of being jealous they'll somehow go for my qualifications or my culture they'll go for something that is intangible something that we can't actually measure in some way shape or form just to kind and bring you down rather than just keep it scrolling if you don't agree with it.

1:20:35So I found women in particular to be the most difficult, but then also when I meet them in person, they're the nicest. So it's either or, it's either or. You know what's so interesting is because the last topic I wanted to talk about was jealousy among women. And I think you've just described that as well. Do men experience jealousy with other men or not as much? You know, yes. But ultimately it goes back, I believe it goes back to what you're talking about in terms of self-worth and self-esteem. You know, I've noticed, it's interesting. I feel like I have, some of my friends are very compelling for physically, you know, maybe professionally, et cetera.

1:21:19And I do see how people treat them. And I see some people just shrink in their presence. And I could see those would be the people online that may want to pick at them. Then others are just like, all right, whatever. That's a great way to put it. It's shrinking in somebody's presence that makes you create that. Because look, if you have high self-esteem, being around charismatic people just enhances your connection. But when you don't, you can shrink in your presence. And I think that breeds the resentment. But can I just ask, you know, from men. Do men get jealous of other men based on looks or based on money more and status more?

1:21:54What triggers their jealousy the most? Yeah, one is I haven't read research on this, but I think it would go back to esteem. Esteem. And it would go back to esteem. And then I would imagine it goes to esteem and then what you lack in. Yeah. So low esteem. Yeah. You don't feel fulfilled in how much money you're making. Then, of course, it's going to be the income that's going to make you feel a certain way. But I think jealousy is a great experience because it tells you what you want and tells you what you're lacking. So if you're jealous of somebody because of how well they're spoken, because a lot of people are like, they'll try and come at me for the way that my accent even.

1:22:29Interesting. What do they say about your accent? They're like, oh, she just thinks because she's got a British accent, she's so smart. Or she just thinks she's so smart. If that's triggering you, work on that in yourself. If that's triggering you, if it's triggering you to see a woman that's being well-spoken or whatever it is, work on that in yourself. If it's triggering your bad appearance, maybe work on that. But whatever you're jealous of, not me, just in general in life, whether it's people's cars or luxuries or whatever it is, firstly assess what you're jealous of. Like, is this worth being jealous of?

1:22:53Is it really worth being jealous of a girl that gets a Rolex from a man? Is that really something to be jealous of? But if it is, then work on achieving it rather than resenting those that access it. Yes. Can I ask you a very serious question? Yeah. In this conversation, which I have thoroughly. Myself as well. Thoroughly enjoyed. I always look for commonalities. Yes. I think that's the analyst in me, right? And one through line that I've seen is you've referenced how people have commented negatively, attacked you. How do you feel about that pressure? Do you, I mean, do you, do you feel hurt by the comments that you received?

1:23:33Weirdly, I'm always interested rather than hurt. I'm always intrigued more than I am hurt. I've always been somebody who is very well at taking insults more so than compliments. I think what happened is I worked in a boys school when I was 21 years old. So I was like 21 years old working with 18 year old boys and they would just harass like all day, every day. So what happened is I became numb to compliments. I started to dislike them because they were coming from students and kids. So I just hated compliments. But criticisms was something I could actually look into. Now, when they're constructive, I find that really useful.

1:24:05Like some people say, oh, you're generalizing, you're a bit binary. I'm like, oh yeah, I am. I like that. Maybe that's a good thing that I'm like, or maybe it's terrible, but at least I know that. But I find it interesting when they focus on something that is not constructive. So I wonder what I'm igniting in them. And that's one of the reasons why I talk a lot about psychological colonialism, that they're angry at me for not thinking the same way as them. And I do relate it to an underlying, I don't mean to use the word racist in a bad way, but it's an underlying of inability to see things from a different cultural perspective or a different human perspective because you're so used to one narrative.

1:24:41So I'm always, I like the insults and I like the trolls because it reveals something about the zeitgeist at the moment. And I use that to inform my future content and for my future understanding. And that's where some of my kind of understanding of human nature comes from. Sadi, I want to say that you are phenomenal. Your voice is important. I think your voice is needed now more than ever. As we've talked about today, we don't agree with all things, but it doesn't mean I don't agree with you and I don't support you and I don't cheerlead for you. I think you're in the first second of your five minutes.

1:25:15God willing. Yes. I think you're in the first second. And I think that what you are going to do is you're going to make a significant impact on this world. You already have, but I think that impact hasn't even begun to be felt yet. And so I thank Thank you. No, thank you so much for having me. I thank you. Can I ask just a final one? Because I saw just a moment, I felt the emotion. Only because sometimes what you were saying was making me a bit sad. Not sad, emotional. It was making me emotional. Because I don't take a minute to kind of absorb what was going on. And especially when it comes from somebody I really admire as well.

1:25:51And I get like shy when I hear compliments. But I think it's starting to sink in that maybe there is something in the message that I thought was just a bit of fun. but it's starting to sink in. I'm very, very grateful that you managed to capture that. All right, that's fair. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. You're super. Every episode, I'm going to give you my top takeaways from the conversation in an effort to make your life more fulfilling and your relationships stronger. So here are the three that stood out to me today. Number one, a strong partner communicates their needs clearly, offers love and support, and strikes a healthy balance.

1:26:29On the other hand, a lack of boundaries or overly rigid ones are red flags and can hinder a relationship's success. Number two, when choosing a partner, Sadia believes you should look for someone whose values truly align with yours, rather than simply focusing on the superficial looks of a person. She also suggests that the way someone sets and maintains their boundaries are elements you should look at closely when choosing a partner. Number three, developing healthy boundaries and self-control is crucial for lasting, fulfilling relationships. Sadia stresses the importance of practicing self-discipline, especially when it comes to managing finances and regulating one's emotions.

1:27:13Thanks so much for tuning in. I hope you got as much out of this conversation as I did. Much love and respect.

1:27:33The Limo Emu

1:27:56Only pay for what you need at LibertyMutual.com. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Savings vary. Underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts. Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change. Your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just$5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time. Prices and participation may vary.