The Dating App Match That Changed My Life!

0:00Welcome to We're Talking. This Valentine's Day, we're celebrating love in all its forms. Joining us are Perry Edwards and Nadia Hussein, sharing two very different and deeply personal stories of how they met the men they'd build a life with, from a dating app match that felt like fate, to an arranged marriage rooted in trust and courage. This episode explores what love really looks like. This week, we're talking love stories.

0:40where did you meet alex the girls made me go on a date and i'm not i'm not good at being a single gally like i was and it was fun and i went on dates but i just think because i wasn't ready everyone just gave me the egg and everyone just like I just didn't I don't think I wanted it I don't think I was ready but then I got to the point where I felt so alone and I was like I don't think I'm good at being single I think I'm a relationship person like I need that other person um but I felt like I yeah I loved it I felt independent I had a great time but then I was like I want to meet my person now okay I think it's time so it's dating app dating app so you're on there yeah and so you see alex okay and then you you message him or he messages you the girls recognized him because they went to a game years ago and he was at the game the girls were at the game and then the tv people were like oh it would be really cool if we had like a footballer and if you like a pop group do you want to do it and like obviously now i know he was like is the blonde one there is the blonde one there and they were like no and he said okay i'll do it because he had a bit of a crush on me at the time so the girls met him thought he was really funny they were having a bit of banter and then when he came up on rear jesse was like it's that guy and i'm like who and she was like oh well he's really nice you should match him and i was like what does he do who is he we had no idea who he was oh really because i don't come from a family of like football hooligan fans either I've never watched football in my life.

2:18So obviously it was him. And it wasn't until I was actually on a date with somebody else at the time, someone I was seeing for a little while, and his name popped up on my phone. He randomly texted me while I was out at dinner, and the guy I was with was like, Alex Oxley-Chamberlain just texted you. And I was like, hmm? And he was like, the Alex Oxley-Chamberlain plays for England in Arsenal. And I was like, is that good? I don't know. And I was like, anyway, we don't need to worry about him. Can I ask, though, how is he seeing what's on your phone? Yeah, that's what I thought. Bit weird, that one, red flag.

2:57But he probably wants you to answer it. But he probably was just a bit like, oh, my God, Sosie Chamberlain's messaging you. But at the time, I was like, is that a big deal? I don't know. And it wasn't until I started dating him that he kept getting asked for pictures when we were out. And I thought, what? And then I looked into him and went on YouTube and stuff. and I had a little stalk you know but I just remember meeting him thinking don't think anything of it Perry don't go into it thinking oh he's going to be the one just date him see what happens but I remember meeting up with him for the very first time at Cirque Nightclub

3:32and I got there with Leanne and some of her friends and I remember getting out the car and he was stood in the doorway waiting to like meet us to take us to the table and I remember like pinching Leanne and I was like I think I love him. Immediately. Immediately. I've gone from, don't expect anything. Don't even get into it. He's a footballer. Don't go there. And I seen him and I was like, uh-oh. And it's the first time I'd felt like that in such a long time. I was like, oh my God, I actually fancy him. I didn't fancy anybody. Like, I think because I went through so much, I was like, no, everyone gives me the ick.

4:05Don't even want to know it. And then he was just completely different. And he was really charming, really funny, so charismatic. really holds a room well he's confident but not cocky with it like he's just got every he was ticking every box like without even trying um and I fell for him pretty quick yes but how did you because you talked about those negative behaviors yes that you picked up yes so what were some of those that you exhibited early in your relationship with Alex probably like if something happened I'd be worried how he'd react to such thing okay and he'd be like I mean can you give an example like little things might happen and I'd think oh no he's gonna like kick off he's not gonna like this and I'd be like oh this happened and he'd be like all right and it would throw me it was he was like very he's he's very mature he's very laid back he's very level-headed he doesn't he's not the type to get mad or get angry or get funny about things very rarely we'll ever argue we're practically in reverse the pair of us like we're so chilled i see and i in my head was a bit like oh he's gonna be so annoyed about this or oh this is gonna really piss him off and it never did and he was so chilled and i'd be like oh okay okay yeah and it was refreshing it was nice so it seems and you're not saying this i'm saying this this is my interpretation okay that from the previous relationship yes you felt like you were walking on eggshells yes almost yes and then you enter this relationship thinking you have to walk on eggshells yep and you're like hold on for a second i'm like wait a minute this is weird i can yeah i can yeah yeah yeah we could talk about things yeah calmly yeah so uh did you feel like you were then pushing him away at all given these behaviors years I think so yeah I think I was just a bit like oh you don't care kind of thing but at the same time I'm like wait no this is this is good like he's so calm and he's so lovely and he's so approachable it's like it's a good thing if that makes sense yes and I remember there was one point my ex reached out and I didn't know how to handle the situation because I'd been with Alex for like a year and a half two years and I felt a bit uncomfortable about it and I remember sweating and like panicking thinking I've got to tell him that obviously I've spoke to him yes and I remember being terrified thinking oh no and then I sat down and I was like I need to tell you something he was like okay is everything all right I was like yes such and such reached out today and it was really weird and he was like same what so I told him everything and then he was like okay well I really appreciate you telling me like thank you for letting me know that's fine like hopefully he doesn't contact you again and I was thinking okay that's it and that's that that was it and it was like he he's always kind of been like that yeah and I think I needed that yeah it is it is um I'm you know I'm thinking about how to say this it's like I think from for many people right you hear about the importance of being in healthy, secure relationships.

7:32And I think what's very important for everyone to know is that you could be as secure as like you grew up. It sounds like you grew up with secure love with your mother and your father, right? But you could enter a relationship being a secure, what's called a secure attachment style. And if that person is not, you will then shift. You will then become unsecure. You could become avoidant, right? Or you could become something else. But once you move back to a relationship with a secure partner, you can then become secure again. And I think the beauty of that is, well, there's a beauty and a danger.

8:19The beauty and the danger is that who we choose as our partner is, in my opinion, the most important decision of our life because it dictates our health, our happiness, how much money we make, how long we live, right? And so that's why having a partner who is healthy is so, so important and it sounds like you have that with with alex yeah and so in in the early stages of that relationship did you begin to think about i may want to marry this guy yes you did yes okay i was thinking i hope he asks oh okay so so you had those conversations yeah yeah we did really early on but he didn't propose till six years later but you know we won't get into it but he proposed though yeah he made me wait but it was worth it but we always knew we were going to be together forever i think how well we hoped we had it how did you know i think we just get each other we understand each other we support each other there's no competition it's very much just i want to see him win he wants to see me win we want to build each other up we want to build an empire together and it's all very equal which is what I've not really had in a relationship before so I feel like we're even Stevens which is nice um and he's just so supportive of me like everything I do he's my biggest fan he knows my album probably better than my A &R better than my label better than anyone he will notice if someone's changed the production on something or the lyric changes or he's so just such a fan of mine if that makes sense and I love that and it's so nice having someone in my corner being like and he's also a very confident person with like business and in his career he's had to be very like outspoken in certain situations and that's not me either I hate confrontation I avoid confrontation I don't like arguments I just cry like as soon as someone starts arguing with me I don't like I can't do it I'm not good at arguing with people if I have a point to get across then yeah I'll sit and I'll hold it together and I'll get it across but I've learned a lot from Alex because I was a pushover for a very long time and he's like babe you don't need to be a pushover you need to stand up for yourself and you need to be heard in these situations and I'm like but I can't he's like yes you can and he's really helped me like come out of my shell with that kind of stuff so so when you think about your love for each other yeah because so many people have not experienced love yes I'm talking about pure blissful romantic love yes how would you describe the love that the two of you have safe it's calm it's positive it's not that horrible pit in your stomach that you need to like get the love it's it doesn't feel that way it's like you just accept it because it just comes if that makes sense so it's like it it's lovely it might sound boring to some but it's just so unproblematic and i love that we're not problematic people whatsoever in our relationships that's a very love it accurate description of what love is.

11:51Yeah. True. Everyone is like, yeah, people are like, it's kind of boring. It's unproblematic. Yeah. It's safe. Like, those are the descriptors for love. That's what you want when you have to deal with such a stressful world. Yeah. You want to be able to come back to a refuge. Yeah. And have that certainty and that safety. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

12:24Part of your culture is arranged marriages. Yes. Okay. Yeah. This is a topic I have studied. Yeah. Can I just say, like, I watch Married at First Sight, and I'm like, that's me. That's me. I get it. And Love is Blind. I watch Love is Blind, and I'm like, that's me. Yes. I get it. Yes. You fall in love with the voice. Yes. I get it. Yes. So could you describe it? Because for many people, it is foreign to them. Yeah.

13:00It was surreal. I can't believe I did it. I can't believe I did that at 19. It's insane. My father-in-law and my dad were friends. Okay. And then they said, oh, I've got a son and I've got a daughter. And we kind of connected and managed to get each other's numbers. Okay. At 19? Yeah. Okay. And then I had a conversation with him, and we ended up, we started with something, it was meant to be like a quick 15, 20-minute conversation, and it ended up being three hours. And I kind of walked away, and I was like, oh, I think I might have found my person. Like, everything aligned. Okay. And this was just over the phone?

13:42Yeah. So you had no idea what he looked like? Nope, no idea. He had no idea what you looked like? Okay. Okay. But the voice? Yeah, and he had a strong northern accent, and I love a northern accent. And he said something, and he was counting in tens. Don't ask me why he was counting in tens and what we were talking about. I can't even remember. But he said 20, 30, 40, and I was like, oh, my God, I like this. I just loved his accent. It was really cool. What were you determining in that conversation? Was it whether this would be a spouse or a – like, what were you determining? Well, my aim was not to build a family or any of that.

14:23My aim was to get out of the house. It was the only way I was going to get out and get freedom and be able to do whatever I wanted. It was by marrying someone. By marrying someone. So I was like, well, to be honest, he was my means to a way out, really. Like, I needed an exit, and he was my exit. Wow, he was your exit plan. Yeah. I just didn't know that he was going to be that good looking. Oh. Yeah, so I was like, okay. So we kind of spoke for a month, every day for a month. Okay. And we had lots of fun conversations. I could tell he was, and he loved, he loved movies. I love movies. He was really into fitness.

14:59He played squash and it was like, hated watching football. And I was like, yes, when I will not be a football widow. No, thank you. So I was like, yeah, he didn't watch football. So it was great for me. so in a month we kind of established that we we we had a connection okay there's no love it was just very much clearly there's a connection we we we kind of we were very it was a tick box exercise we're ticking ticking ticking um and then we decided to exchange photos and that that was back in the day when it was like jpegs you remember when it was like used to download my kids are like what i'm like yeah you know like pieces of it used to download it was so much fun because it was like a blind date when his photo came in.

15:42Yeah, it was like downloading. And I got his foot first for some reason. I was like, come on, give me the face. And it was like, and he was tall and he was just, he was just instant attraction, instant attraction. I just, I was like, he's hot, like straight away. And I was, it was my turn to send a picture. And I said, I'm just warning you, I've got dark skin. And he said, yeah, okay. He goes, I don't know if you realized, I'd never asked you once about your appearance in the last month. I didn't care about you. I really like who you are. And obviously it's important to be attracted to each other, but I did not ask about your skin color.

16:24And I said, and I'm not super, super skinny. And he said, yeah, I also did not ask about that. Like, I don't know why you're saying that. So I'm pre-warning him because that's kind of, colorism is rife in our culture. If you are dark, you are considered less marketable, less likely to get a husband. That's something that I think plays out in so many cultures of color. Yeah. Where you see this color spectrum. And the fairer you are, the more marketable, the smarter, the whatever you are. Yeah. And then the darker you are, it's almost the opposite of that. Yeah. And it plays out in every community.

17:07I'll never forget, I was in Jamaica with my boys, and we were in the Blue Mountains, actually. We were over here in the Blue Mountains. Oh, wow. And there was a Rasta, old Rastafarian, right? Dark, like beautiful, dark, like mahogany dark. Yeah. And he saw my youngest. So my youngest son, Liam, is a darker complexion. He's my complexion. Yeah. My oldest son, Kingston, is a lighter complexion, same complexion as my wife. And there was this conversation that was happening around complexion. Okay. And I think this gentleman, he thought that my youngest had overheard this. Okay. And he pulls my young boy, Liam, and he says, you see these berries?

17:59He says, the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Yes. Love that. He was like, that's how you get, that's the best berry right there. And you could see, you know, my son kind of light up, you know, on that. But it is, this is what happens in our community. So I can imagine, though, but your parents, though, applying that pressure. Yeah. One of the first things my dad said to my father-in-law was, I'm just letting you know that she has got dark skin. And, you know, my father-in-law was like, look, you know, never mind. We'll see what happens. And then we met. So his family came to my family home and we met.

18:41We didn't actually meet. Everyone sort of sat together. And I'm upstairs getting dressed. But I'm sure you're listening. I know and you know because my husband told me afterwards. Oh, okay. So I'm upstairs. Good man. Yeah, I'm upstairs getting dressed. And so there's this whole thing with an arranged marriage where you come down and you sit in front of everybody and everybody looks at you. Wow. It's really weird. Please break this down for me. I'm so fascinated by this. So who was in the room before you got there? His entire family. So brothers, brother's wife, nephews and nieces. And he's one of seven.

19:15So a few of them came, not all of them, just a few. And my father-in-law, my mother-in-law and an elder. So an elderly relative of theirs. And from our side of the family, it was my mom, dad, siblings and my brother-in-law at the time. So at the time, quite small, but all the necessary people are there. And before you get there, what are they doing? Are they, it's a discussion, but is it almost even a negotiation? Yes. So they're negotiating, you know, a dowry. They're negotiating, you know, dates. They're talking about dates and how much money will be spent on the wedding outfits and gold. They talk gold because they have to give me gold and they have to negotiate how many grams of gold I get.

20:03So they negotiate all of that amongst themselves, but not till they see me. They got to see me first. Okay. So, and I'm like shaking like a leaf because I like this guy and he's perfect for me. But his family might not think I'm perfect for him. So that could sway him or change his mind. it felt like a meat market it was odd and I'd seen my own cousins do these kinds of things and I've always I've always been really uncomfortable with them because I think it's just weird and and uncomfortable and feels really degrading my husband husband handed me a gold bracelet as a way of saying that he wants to proceed so he gave me this gold bracelet tried to put it on but couldn't fail he was shaking as well and then somebody else put it on and they asked me to leave and so I got up and left and then I got really brave and I said can I just have two minutes to talk to him by myself please and my dad was like no this is not the dumb thing we don't want to do this and and and then Abdal piped it up and he said look I'd like two minutes with her please because I've literally I haven't I haven't been able to really lay eyes on her because everybody's in the room and they're expecting him to be, they're expecting him not to like, oh, just look at me because it's rude and disrespectful, but also weird because they're all sat in the room looking at me as well.

21:33Oh, interesting. So he's in front of you, but he's not supposed to look at you. He's supposed to kind of like, in a kind of like a coy, shy, cute kind of way. Okay. But he goes, but I actually really want to see her properly. Can I just have a look at, can I just talk to her? And so I had to have chaperones in the room with me. So my brother, who was 10 at the time, and my sister, who was 15 or 16 at the time, they were both sat in the room playing on some sort of console. And I went upstairs and he came into the room and he just said, oh, my God, you're so beautiful. That was our first ever interaction.

22:10And then he said, I think we're getting married. And that was it. Those were the two sentences he said. and we were in the room for about three minutes and they just took him away. They took him away. And that was it. We met each other. That's the first time, three minutes. And they set the wedding date for 10 days after that. And so we got married in my mom and dad's house. So it's a very quick, an Islamic marriage is very quick. Goodness. Okay. And we're not actually in the same room. We say our vows separate. Do you? Yeah. You're not even in the same room because you're not allowed to really be together till you're married.

22:44So you're married. And then do you agree? Is that really your father's decision if he accepts? Is it yours or your father's? It's with all the conditions. It's the person who's getting married. It's their decision. So it's do you agree to the terms? Do you agree to the dowry? Do you agree to the money? Do you agree to look after this man's daughter? Do you agree? And then I said, well, we're married now, so please, can I be in a room with the man? and so we had or we everybody went downstairs and we had five minutes just five minutes so this is the first time that you were alone yeah was when you were married yeah we had five minutes they didn't give us five minutes five minutes yeah what did you can't do much in five minutes some people can do a lot in five minutes yeah I'm sure they can I'm sure they can we needed more than five minutes

23:45oh my gosh so you said you enjoyed the five minutes yeah we literally just he just said you look amazing i had this mint green sari on it was it was it was um so simple and so perfect and um he was wearing his attire and it was really cool and it was just literally five minutes and then um because we had the big wedding in bangladesh so we did that and i didn't move in with him we didn't move out or anything so he went away I stayed at home and then literally another 10 days later we went off to Bangladesh together yeah sorry so that day ends ends gone he's gone and he leaves yeah he's gone okay you're still at home I'm still home yeah but you're married now but I'm married now and I I did I said you know I could I could come up to Leeds or you could come down you know like we can just like we can actually like hang out we can be together and he's like, no, we couldn't.

24:40So then the main wedding though is in Bangladesh. Yeah, we wanted it to be in the UK but it's more expensive in the UK. But my father and my dad, they decided that they could get a nice little trip to Bangladesh out of our wedding and it would be cheaper. We got to feed 3 ,000 people at the wedding. Two and a half of them were probably, two and a half thousand were probably all people from nearby villages, people off the streets. Because that's the blessing. The blessing is to feed people who don't have anything. Okay. So when you say 3 ,000 people, was that the invites to the wedding? Yeah. 3 ,000 people?

25:223 ,000 people at your wedding? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know any of them. I didn't know any of them. Because what they do is they announce, every mosque will announce that so-and-so's son, daughter are getting married. If you need a meal, come and eat. Okay. So people off the streets, poor folk, people you don't, they just come off the streets and they come and eat because that's the blessing. You give back. And that was a blessing. I love that. I love that. I would love to do that with my own kids because, you know, for very little money, you can feed a lot of people in Bangladesh. Yes. That does sound beautiful.

25:58Yeah, it's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. I mean, of all of those, probably about 500 were our family. Four, 500 were probably our family, which is big enough as it is. But the best bit for me was when it was over and we were driving back to his village, which was two and a half hours away from ours, we were sat next to each other, bearing in mind this whole time, we've not been allowed to sit near each other, really talk to each other or anything. He was sat next to me and all he did was put his knee against my knee the whole time. and I was like stop being weird and I was like I was kind of doing this oh he's being weird um but he kept putting his legs just get wider and wider and he kept putting his and that's the only contact he could have with me without it anyone noticing um and then we stopped off he went to a mosque prayed and I was like oh he's a good one he's a good one I just I had a good feeling and then we we went back and I remember um they were kind of prepping for me to get into the house because there's some traditions that you have to kind of have something sweet before you get into the house.

27:04And so they were prepping for those traditions. And we were sat in the car alone, first time ever alone, no time restriction. We sat there and he goes, you are the most beautiful thing I've ever, ever seen. And I think I believed him in that moment. Did you? Yeah. It's interesting because it was a range. It was kind of a range, but not really. I would say kind of semi half and half. Yeah. I picked him because I knew he was right for me. not because my family because what they wanted for me was not what they wanted for me it was what they wanted for them great point so for me it i that's the first time i think i advocated for myself in marrying the person i wanted to marry and it's the best decision i ever made i see it i see it how how did you two make it work because early on you you're just i mean at that point by the time you're in bangladesh at the actual wedding you've only seen each other twice yeah in person yeah you know so then how do you then make a marriage work with someone who you've just met i think one of the things that makes an arranged marriage work is not to have this fixated idea or this kind of very rigid idea that everything's 50 50 because people say 50 50 in a marriage a lot they throw that around quite a lot they do i hate it because there's no such thing as 50 50 there's points where somebody is putting 99 in and somebody's putting one percent in and there's points where it is 50 50 and there's points if you stay rigid in the 50 50 then I don't think marriages work because there's points where one person puts in more and one person can put in less but you have to be there for that because there's times when we got married realized that me working is pointless because any money I make will go to child care and I'll not see my kid so there's no point in me working so I chose to be a housewife I was like no I'm going to stay at home i'm going to raise my children and i'm going to have a beautiful home and i'm going to be here so you can because he'd only fresh come out of his degree so he was only just getting into his sort of line of work um and he progressed in the 10 years that i was at home with the kids he progressed hugely in his career like and and um we were so lucky that he was able to financially we were able to financially not need me to work yes we were able to buy a house we were able to go on holidays.

29:22You know, we were able to do all of those things with his wage. So, and that was only because I, because I sacrificed my own need for a career to stay at home with the kids. But that didn't feel like a sacrifice. It wasn't a sacrifice because we were doing it for our family. Right. It was a team. Team effort. Team effort. Yeah. Just the same as when I won Bake Off, he was definitely putting in 80 % and I was doing 20 because I was traveling the world. I was filming I was on set I was hardly ever at home I cooked meals I put them in the freezer and I was out on the next plane so he definitely in those 10 years put in way more than I did but we did it as a team effort so I think um to make a marriage like that work is I I think any marriage I think just don't be fixated on the 50 50 yeah I could I think that's brilliant advice Do you two also do these daily huddles where you come together and discuss what's happened?

30:25What happens in this daily huddle? Because I find this very interesting. Yes, we give ourselves scores. We score each other. We score each other every day. Every day. We sit down or it's in bed or we lay in bed and be like, right, what's your score today? And it's basically your score as a husband or a wife and your score as a parent. So we'll be like, today you were definitely a 10 out of 10. it's like oh yay so he knows that he's done something right yeah he knows the things that he's done right during the day and he knows to repeat those things going forward and so we score ourselves as as as husband and wife and then score ourselves as parents and and we openly discuss what we think we should get so I'm like you were definitely a four today and he's like yeah I was a four but I think I was three actually so we discussed the score and that really helps us to kind of do better the next day.

31:16So we, every day, we four out of 10, five out of 10. So interesting. Yeah. What's the lowest score that you've ever received? Oh, zero. I've had zeros. You've had zeros? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, when you lose it a little bit, you just like, there's days when I'm, like, I've shouted at the kids and I'm like, oh, shouldn't have shouted. I shouldn't have had a go at them. We have those days. It's really okay to talk about those things as well. It's like, it's okay to have a zero, but it's about how you go from a zero to a one, to a two, to a three, and just keep building that up. But yeah, I think it really, really helps us to be honest without judgment.

31:52Yes, yes, I love it. I love it. And if you want to hear the full unfiltered stories from today's guest, you can check them out on the We Need to Talk page. Drop a like, leave a comment and hit subscribe. See you next week.

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