The Divorce Lawyer Reveals Why Marriages Really Fail

26:29And my answer to that is, you know, you're in the wrong country. Like, if you're in the UK or the USA, like, we have due process. Like, people have a right to an advocate. And my job is to be, and again, like, I take great comfort in the reality. Yes. that, you know, the truth has a way of coming out. Sometimes, despite my absolute best efforts to try to obfuscate the facts, reality is reality. Facts are facts. It's very rare that excellent advocacy can completely, you know, detract attention. Like, a lawyer is, at best, makeup. Like, what is makeup? Is makeup a lie? No, makeup is accentuating the positive, decentuating the negative.

27:13But you can't take a hideously ugly human being and put makeup on them and now they're gorgeous. Like, you do the best that you can with what you have. And by the way, I don't believe that there are just evil people walking around doing evil things. Like, I have spent a lot of time with the cheater and the cheated on, the victim of domestic violence and the perpetrator of domestic violence. And I wish, having spent time with each of those people, I could tell you, oh yeah, there's just evil people. And if we just could figure out who they are and segregate them, then we'd be fine. That's not how it works.

27:51Like human emotional complexity, the line of good and evil runs through the human heart and you have to cut out a piece of your heart if you want to get rid of evil. There is evil in me. There is darkness in me. There is selfishness in me. Just like there is in all of us. And part of marriage, I believe, the most beautiful part of marriage, at its best is you're not deluding yourself into thinking that I'm perfect and I'm good. You're looking at me and going, there's beauty in you and kindness in you and there's weakness in you and there's frailty in you and there's short-sightedness and selfishness in you and there's empathy and compassion in you.

28:34And I want all of that. However, we know because of the Gottmans, right? and these other researchers, that most of us are not happy, low satisfaction in our marriages. So if we are in a relationship and we feel as if there's low satisfaction, how do we determine if we should be divorced or just simply work on the satisfaction? Yeah. So I think the first step is always identifying what it is that you want and then identifying how you've been sharing that with your partner. And how do we do that? Like, I genuinely believe it's really easy. Like, it's really, really easy. Just keep checking in. Like, keep checking in.

29:16Make it a habit. Make it a practice, not a bug. Make it a feature that, you know, like, I mean, think about what would happen in a relationship if from the day you got married, you said, every Saturday, we're going to spend 10 minutes. And if we're apart, we'll do it via email. Right. I want you to tell me three things I did this week that made you feel loved. Three things. And if I'm brave, tell me three things that I could have done better in my connection with you this week. Or if we want to have fun, tell me three things I did this week that made you want to have sex with me. Tell me three things that turned you on.

29:58Three moments where you were like, I want some of this. This is nice. I'm liking him right now. Oh, my God, do I want to know. Yes. Like, do I want... and by the way, how much fun would it be? How much fun would it be to hear that? And I have to tell you, you'd be shocked sometimes at the answers. Like, because I know what I'm trying to do to make you feel loved. But the things that actually make someone feel loved, sometimes it's totally different than me. Absolutely. You could be 15 years in your relationship and be completely shocked. Completely shocked. And now here's the thing. People's pushback on that is, well, you know, like, it feels like that would be like a...

30:33Like, now it's another thing to do. You don't have 10 minutes a week to do that? Absolutely. I remember talking to someone. This is the Gottmans as well. They were saying how the six-minute. In essence, they were talking about how long a kiss should be. I remember talking to people and saying, hey, you know, they're saying that you should actually kiss for six minutes. You should kiss six times, et cetera. They said a lot of the guys would say, Paul, I just don't have the time. I don't have the time to do it. And this goes to that question of if you have a partner and you feel as if that has slipped, slippage, right?

31:07You feel that has slipped, that's going away. How do you determine if you should divorce versus work on? It's a great question. So what you're really asking is if I feel there's distance between my partner and I, we've lost the plot. That happens, right? That happens. Like I love to read at night. It's how I wind down. I don't like to be on a screen, so I like to read a little bit. And because I'm doing it at night, I'll be a few pages in. All of a sudden, I'll kind of realize I'm tired and I don't really know what I'm reading anymore. And then I'll try to stop and go, well, where did I lose it?

31:39And I'll go back and I'll, it's usually a couple pages. And then I'll recognize the last thing I remember and I'll go, okay, that's where I'm going to put the bookmark. And now I'm going to close my eyes. You lose the plot. It happens. What you're describing is a situation where my partner maybe doesn't recognize that we've lost the plot, or isn't committed to let's do some work to reverse this spiral that we're down. And the way to do that, I think, is little tiny things, like little gestures. I don't think it has to be grand gestures. I actually think if you think about love and when you feel loved by your partner, it's very rarely like these grand gestures.

32:23True. It's just these little things this person does that makes you feel seen and appreciated. What does it cost to just in the morning when you leave, like, hey, I married the prettiest girl in the world. Can't wait to see you tonight on the couch when I get home. What does that take? Three seconds? It's free? Who wouldn't want to get that note? Who wouldn't want to get a note in their briefcase that says, you're the handsomest guy I know. Thanks for this weekend. It was so fun. Yes. Like, who wouldn't get that and go, I want to meet that with the same kind of energy? And by the way, if you do that consistently and your partner still doesn't show up for you, now we might need to have a conversation that, okay, this thing might be irreparably broken.

33:15Because I agree, both people have to be invested in this. And sometimes people just are in different places and one of you is not going to get back where you need to be. But I think most people want to try and do their part. But that's not what we do. What we do instead is, you have failed me. And even just the way we parse things, we do it in this confrontational way. Like if I say to my partner, like I'm not satisfied with the frequency of our sex life, okay? And I say to my partner, why don't we have sex like we used to? Remember we used to keep our hands off each other and now we have sex once every two weeks.

33:55What is that going to instill in my partner? But defensiveness. Well, you're always at work and then when you get home you're tired and there's so many other things we have to talk about. Now we're just off to the races because we're defending our positions as opposed to saying, God, you know what I was thinking about today? I was thinking about, remember when we went, when we were first dating and we went on that little vacation, we didn't have any money, we rented that little, remember we like, we didn't leave the bedroom for like two days, you know? Like that was so, like God, I remember the scent of your skin, like it was so, and I have to tell you, like I still feel that way about you.

34:30Like, I don't know, I was at work the other day and I just, like I was thinking about you and I was just like, mm, you know? Dude, now we're going somewhere. Yeah, the delivery. Now we're going because I'm focusing on that positive piece, on the connection as opposed to the disconnection. Right, but as you said, most of us, we approach it because we're approaching it from a place of pain. Yeah. And we are the disconnection. Right. Have you ever noticed how many of your friends are sitting on great business ideas? It's usually nothing to do with thinking their idea isn't good enough and everything to do with the execution side feeling a bit too technical.

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36:28You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19 ,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs. So you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm.com. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. so if we have that perspective if we do that work and we feel as if the marriage cannot be repaired yeah is the best move to then have the conversation straight away and the reason why i bring that up is because i've read some research somewhere that stated that many women know one year prior to leaving their partner and these are in heterosexual relationships they know one year prior, and they spend a lot of that year plotting on how to get out.

37:23Yeah. Right? And so the question, though, is if you feel as if you can't repair the relationship or your partner won't be able to repair it, should you immediately have that conversation? No. Or should you approach it another way, given your experience as a divorce attorney? So this is where my human advice and my legal advice are discordant. Okay. Okay. So I wear two hats. One of them is a person who talks about how to stay married and how to not F up your marriage. And the other is I'm a tactician whose job is to facilitate the demise of unhappy marriages. So the tactician in me would say, if I'm going to punch you, I'm not telling you the punch is coming.

38:04So if you're going to divorce someone and there's going to be a fight, I want it to be that when you realize you're in a fight, the fight's over. Like General Patton said, if you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. Like my job is ideally to have all the pieces lined up so that when you know you're, the other side knows you're in a fight, the fight's over. Like they're in the valley and I've got high ground. Human advice, I think you owe it to yourself and to your partner to express where we're at and to say, look, I think we've reached the terminal stage of this, where if this doesn't get fixed, if we don't make changes, this is going to have to end.

38:52Right. Like the things you sometimes have to do to shore up defenses and create levers. Yes. Are antagonistic. Yes. To repair. So how, so let's, let's look at that. Yeah. Let's look at someone who's in a relationship and they know they want out. Perhaps they have kids. Maybe there's some assets. Yeah. tactically, then they should not have the conversation immediately. What should they do? I think it depends. See, I personally, I've represented extremely wealthy people for a really long time now. Before that, I represented, you know, regular mom and pop type people. I grew up poor and I didn't have any money.

39:29College, when I was in university, I worked as a waiter, as a server. Like, I had nothing. When I started my career as a lawyer, I borrowed$5 ,000 from friends and from my dad. and built it into the multi-million dollar thing that it is now. And now, thank God, after 25 years of doing this profession, I have economic security, I have success, I have all those wonderful things. I believe there are, and I say this representing, like I have a client who's worth$8 billion right now. There are two amounts of money, enough and not enough. So the first question you need to ask yourself is, tactically, if I reveal to this person that this marriage is ending and I'm going to need to have us move forward with the demise of this marriage, I need to protect myself.

40:18Maybe because this person is the type who's vindictive, is the type of, that's different than a situation where you're saying, like, because here's the thing, if the only thing I have to lose is some stuff, Okay, take some stuff. Like, it's stuff. It's not the end of the world. Like, what are you going to do? You're going to get tactical advantage and get a little more of my assets? Okay. Like, I'm losing something much more precious than some of my stuff. Like, prioritize. Because here's the thing, like, you don't win a divorce. You don't win a divorce. Like, you survive a divorce. You get out the other side of it with as much intact as you possibly can.

41:01But you don't win. Like nobody ever walks out of the door going, yeah, I won. Like you don't win. It's the end of something. It's a death. You grieve it. Like you follow Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of death and dying. You bargain. You're sad. You go through all of those things before acceptance. And that's totally understandable. You're grieving the death of this marriage. And so, you know, again, you have to ask yourself, like, what's the goal? Because I'll tell you the truth, like, not only can you not win a divorce, you can't win a fight with your spouse. You can't win. You will never win a fight with your spouse.

41:36If you win, you lost. You made them feel small. You won. Yay, victory. Great job. You made your spouse feel dumb. You made your spouse feel small. You made your spouse feel sad. Or you lose the argument and then you lost the argument. You can't win an argument with your spouse. Like, because the idea of this is connection, to stay connected to each other. Anything that is antagonistic to that connection is the enemy of marriage. But if you feel as if your partner would be vindictive, you know, so for example, I have a friend, this is a true story, I have a friend who wanted to ensure that he got custody of the children.

42:17Sure. And so I think of him almost in this situation. Yeah. Would it have been smart to not have the conversation and to put things in place so that he would - 100%. Yeah. So the best thing you could always do is go talk to a lawyer sooner rather than later. It's confidential. No one's ever going to find out. They're not allowed to tell anybody. I have people who come in a year, two years, three years before they're actually even going to file or when they're just thinking about it. Oh, I've had people who come in 10 years before. What? Listen, some people are super tactical. And some people it's that they're kind of, we call them tire kickers.

42:51Like they're like, well, the relationship's not going great. And I want to know like, what are my rights and obligations? And what are things I should be thinking about? Wait a minute. Look, I'm going to make the argument right now that you should see a divorce lawyer before you get married. I think you should understand before you get married, what a court would be looking at and thinking about in a divorce. In the event your marriage ends in the likely, statistically likely outcome. which is divorce. At first I said, this is wild and crazy, but you know, I like this. This should be part of the, it's hard to get into marriage.

43:25Why wouldn't it be? Why wouldn't you sit down with a divorce lawyer? I can explain to you legally what's about to happen when you get married. Yes. What changes to your rights and obligations are about to happen. And I can explain to you that, for example, your friend, your friend is married to someone who their relationship is tenuous, he's not sure. Maybe this is a combative person, a vindictive person. Yes. And by the way, you divorced the person you were married to. So, you know, if like people, one of the most astounding things still after so many years of doing this is people come in and they'll say to me like, I can't believe he's being so vindictive and cheap and angry.

43:59I'm like, oh, what was he like during the marriage? Vindictive and cheap and angry. I'm like, why would you think he'd be benevolent during the divorce? Like he was this way. So like, if anything, it's just gonna be this under extreme stress. So it's gonna be a little worse even than it normally would be. So if your friend came in and said, look, the wheels are still on this thing, but I'm worried that it might be unstable. What are the kinds of things that judge is going to look at when making decisions about custody? Now I can educate you. I can talk about joint custody, sole custody, shared custody.

44:34I can talk about different parenting access schedules. I can talk about what are the standards that a judge looks at when making decisions about custody. I can talk about what I call the negative case and the positive case, which is not just what's wrong with your co-parent, because you might be just as awful as them just in different ways. So what's the negative case is what's wrong with that co-parent or where are there areas that they could be better that they aren't versus where are areas where I'm strong as a co-parent. And I can talk to you about what are the evidentiary standards and what are some ways that you can shore up and prepare.

45:05So I would say, hey, make sure we go to parent-teacher night. Make sure we go to the pediatric appointments. Make sure that you're part of the day-to-day routine of your child and not just doing the fun stuff. Because, by the way, you might be a super great dad, but you trust your co-parent because they're good as a co-parent. They're a good parent. And you kind of don't like to be home because when you're home, you guys argue. So you want the kids to not be around that and you don't really feel like it. So you stay away. Okay, now you're setting up a terrible custody case because you're not home.

45:37She's the primary caregiver. to the children, she does most of the heavy lifting of day-to-day parenting, you have set up a bad custody case in the future. So now, again, do you think anybody, if they came into my office and I gave them that conversation, that primer on, look, I hope your marriage doesn't end, and if it ends, I hope you don't have a custody battle, but if you did, here's the kinds of things a judge might look at and here's some ways to do it. Do you think anybody would have that meeting with me and then go, you know, I was really happy in my marriage before this, but now I'm going to go home and just get divorced.

46:07Like, no, you just, like, I get a physical every year. Right. One of the lawyers who works for me for many years now, he doesn't get a physical. And when I said to him, hey, man, you're over 40. Why don't you get a physical? He goes, I don't want to know. I kind of hate doctors. I was like, okay, not having a physical is a guaranteed way to end up eventually seeing a whole bunch of doctors. So if you hate doctors, definitely go get a physical so that you don't have things going on that you don't know about. It's not going to save you. Your ignorance won't save you. Yeah, it's like your sister and the toothache.

46:40Right. Where you're saying the dentist. What are three things that you wish people knew or took into consideration before they got married? As a lawyer or as a relationship person? As a lawyer. OK, as a lawyer. As the number one divorce attorney in the world. Three things that people should know before they get married. One would be what did their parents' conflicts look like? Okay. So did their parents yell at each other? Did their parents ice each other out? Was there domestic violence and intimate partner abuse? And then also how does that translate to yours? Because people tend in my experience to either become like their parents or the opposite.

47:20Yes. So what does this look like and what was your reaction to it and what work if any have you done on that? Okay, that's fair. That's one. Number two, I would say assess very clearly what your priorities are. Like what's important to you? If custody and your children is the most important thing to you, if economic outcome is what's most important to you, like identify very honestly for yourself what your goals are in terms of what's important here. Because I will tell you an unfortunate reality is the person who cares less about the well-being of the children has tactical advantage in custody litigation.

48:02So if you don't care about your kids and screwing up your kids, you have tactical advantage in custody litigation. You can put them right in the middle of the situation. You can weaponize them. You can try to bribe them emotionally. You can create loyalty binds and engage in alienation and negative gatekeeping. Like there's all kinds of horrible things you could do. So identify kind of what's important to me, what's important to my partner, and who are they. Like have an honest conversation with yourself and your counsel about who is my partner. Because if you're against someone who's going to be villainous potentially, you've got to bring a different toolkit to the situation.

48:42Like it's better to have a trial lawyer and not need me than to need a trial lawyer and hire a mediator because you think maybe if I hire a really friendly person that it'll keep it friendly. It's not how it works. Like it's not how it works. Like the main levers in my experience as a litigator are fear and greed. It's not empathy. It's not empathy. It's not compassion. It's fear and greed. My job is to cultivate leverage and decide how and when to use it. So that is that almost number three. So two is having this frank, honest, open discussion. Mm-hmm. But three is really already identified counsel.

49:21Three is shore up the fences and get good lawyer and really trust your counsel if you found good counsel. Wow. And then trust the fact that sometimes the path to peace is war. There are so many people in New York City who hate me because I was a weapon pointed at them. And my job was to take them apart. And I did it. And I did it well. And I'm proud that I did it because it's my job. But I had no hate in my heart towards them. Nothing. I wish all of these people the best. I hope they have good lives. My job was to protect my client. And I did my job. And I'm not afraid to acknowledge that. And by the way, I would rather, I embrace their hatred.

50:06Because every bit of their hatred that they point at me is not pointed at their spouse. It's not pointed at their, like I don't have to go to their kid's wedding someday. You don't. But I would imagine though, these are a lot of powerful people that hate you. Yeah. Do you ever fear for your life? No, because I don't really cling to my life. Like I have a very, I have a very Buddhist approach to my life. I look at life, like life is finite, it's going to end if I think every day, like I try to wake up and go, today's a good day to die. Like today's a good day for this to go out. It's going to end someday.

50:40And if it ends like that, it will. Look, I practice Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for 20 years. I keep a shotgun under my desk, you know, and if somebody's going to come at me, you know, that's a lot to try to get through. But if you're that committed to it, you'll be able to do it. So and I'm real easy to find. Like I stay in like a four block radius in New York City. I'd be pretty easy to assassinate. Most of the time I think people who hate me, they know it's not me. They're mad I did my job the right way. Like they're not, you know, they're mad at their situation. But if it's easier to hate me, like it's okay to hate me.

51:16Then you cover for your client. Yeah, and I'd rather cover for my client. It's a dangerous business. Yeah, it can be. It can be. I get a lot of hate mail, I keep it. I have a whole folder of death threats. I have a whole folder of, you know, hate mail that people have sent me when I represented their spouse. There's a lot of people online. They write like reviews like they were my client, but I know that it's, you know, the other side. Like this is a profession where a lot of people hate you and that's okay. Like I don't, I am not, I have, you have to have a very defined sense of self to do what I do at the level I do it.

51:46Like you just have to have a sense of like, yeah, I'm, I'm a tool. At what point though, does the threat elevate enough to bring a shotgun into your office? I mean, again, I just, I'd rather have a shotgun and not need it than need a shotgun and not have it. Like, I just have it there. Because it's like, hey, listen, like, if it happens that somebody comes busting through the door, I've got protection in place. I don't embrace violence. I don't taunt people. Like if I taunt the other side, it's tactical. I'm trying to get them to lose their cool on the witness stand. I do that all the time. Like, I'll taunt the other side constantly.

52:20Like if someone's on the witness stand and I'm getting under their skin and I think I can get them to explode I will do that. I will I will push them I've even had it that like the judges looking away and I kind of wink at them like girl I'll kind of like blow them a kiss like something to amp them up Because I want them to blow up and I go your honor. You see you see what's happening right here This person is having such a hard time controlling themselves. Can you imagine how they are at home? Goodness, you know and and again, that's the job like I'm an advocate. I'm a weapon that's my job is to go in and to just, and again, I don't want to give the impression that like everything I do is go in and just terrorize.

52:56You have to have a full toolkit in this business. Right, these are extreme cases. They're extreme examples. Like what's funny about my professional life is I am one of the only professions that someone would come into your office the first time they meet you and say, I heard you were a ruthless, vicious son of a bitch. That's why I'm here. Like that's why I'm I was described as the sociopath you want on your side. I was described as a courtroom gunslinger. And I've also been described as a compassionate advocate, as a person. Like, if you read reviews of me, they are all over the place. Like, some clients will say, oh my god, Jim is such a calming presence.

53:39And he like, dialed down all the aggression that was in the room. And every time my spouse tried to like amp it up, he would sort of just bring it back. and slow at pace. And there are some people that are like, Jim Sexton cross-examined my spouse to the point where they almost died on the stand. And he just ate their lunch and he's brutal. And they're both right. They're both right. Absolutely, because I bring a full toolkit to it. I cannot wait to hear the answer to this one. What is the, from what you can share, what's the most memorable case you've ever had? Oh my gosh. There are some good ones in the book, by the way.

54:17Yeah, the case of the incredible shrinking penis would be up there. That's in the book. Gosh. I would say the ones that to me are the most meaningful is when I get to represent someone who's been a victim of intimate partner abuse and domestic violence. Because I get to feel heroic. There's something really beautiful about that. Like I get to be of service. Yes. And I had a case in the last few years where I was able to just very strategically, by the time this long-time abuser even knew, I mean, and it required a tremendous amount of planning. He would monitor her location on her phone, so we had to get another phone to her so she could leave that phone at home when he was at work and then come to us, because he would be tracking her location otherwise.

55:09And we had, like, by the time he knew a divorce had been commenced, she was on a plane to California from New York with their daughter. And we already had orders of protection and temporary orders of custody in effect before he even knew it was coming. And it was, like, over very quickly. He... I like dogs. Like, I'm a dog person. Stephen got me to cry on his show talking about my dogs. And this guy beat the crap out of their six-month-old puppy. I mean, he beat it terribly. And thank God it was captured on a ring doorbell, like a motion cam they had. Because this guy was like incredibly charismatic.

55:57Like he looked like just a nice guy. He looked like a nice guy. Like he was kind of dorky. And he was very likable. And he was very like, you would never believe that this guy was a vicious, villainous person until you watch him beating a six-month-old black lab puppy. And listen to him screaming at it. And watch this little puppy like cowering and trying to get away from him and its tail still wagging because it doesn't know what to do and it's trying to get in the door to just get away from him and its tail is still wagging because it's a dog it's innocent it didn't do it and he's just kicking it and throwing it and thank God it's fine by the way the dog is fine now but I I will tell you I'm human I'm human and I watched that video because I had to watch that video and I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry like it was horrible to watch like that anyone could be that cruel, that anyone could be that vicious, like this innocent.

57:00And by the way, like he was vicious to everyone in his life. He was just a vicious person. And I just remember taking the case and thinking, I'm going to destroy this guy. Like I'm going to just take him apart piece by piece. And I did exactly that. And it was one of the most gratifying experiences of my life. And she is now divorced. She has full custody of her daughter, sole custody of her daughter. The dog is very healthy and well. Look at that. And he will probably remain the miserable person that he is. I know he hates me. He's probably watching. I think you watched some of my other appearances where I've mentioned his case.

57:42And I hope he knows that, you know, I'm still here. Yes. I'm still here. And if he comes back and he tries to push it again, I'll be here. I'll be here. What's the number one reason why someone comes to your office to see you and seeking you out? Or should I say, what's the number one reason that you've seen for divorce? So the answer that most people want when they ask me that question is, is there a singular or are there identifiable things that you see in the terminal stage of a marriage? So the obvious and accurate answer is there's cheating is usually a massive, they're almost, I would say a good 85 % of divorces, there's some element of cheating in the situation or financial impropriety.

58:39Those are very real things, but I don't see those as the cause. I see those as the symptom of the underlying illness. The underlying illness is disconnection. The underlying illness is that these, because happy people don't cheat on each other. Satisfied people don't cheat on each other. Was it 84, 85 % of people who are seeking a divorce have cheated or have been a part of cheating? Yeah, have been. Infidelity is involved in the equation somehow. Either or both people have cheated. And again, how you define cheating is very subjective. So it's a question of like, is emotional infidelity infidelity or as purely as it's sexual?

59:17like for the purposes of divorce in fault-based states, adultery was defined as like genital contact, essentially. So, I think most of us would agree that your spouse could cheat without touching anybody's genitals or having anybody touch theirs. I think so. You know, just to go back to, you had mentioned, it was interesting, you talked about, and tell me if I heard this correctly, 85 % of people are remarried within five years of their divorce. Is that the metric? Oh, no, no, but is that? That's the stat that I, that when I throw that out, people swallow their teeth. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, that 56 % of marriages end in divorce.

59:57Yes. That roughly 10 to 20 % more, you're estimating, are unhappy but stay together for the kids. But 86 % of people are remarried within five years of their divorce. Within five years? Within five years. So these are people that catastrophically failed at marriage. Yes. And 86 % are remarried within five years. That's mind-blowing. Then from that cohort, is the divorce rate higher or lower? Higher? Yeah, I would imagine. But the marriage satisfaction rate is higher. Is it? Yes. So the ones who... So I think that teaches me, right? And again, we have to extrapolate lessons from the data. Yes. And again, that's all subjective stuff.

1:00:39I think what that says is there are some people that are just not good at marriage and they can do it a bunch of times and they're just not good at it. Okay. And then there are people that, like most people, aren't great at something the first time they do it. They screw it up. But they learn something from that. And then they're better at it and they enjoy it more. Look at that. And so for me, second marriages have a much higher satisfaction rate than first marriages. But they have a slightly higher failure rate. Something like 58 % of second marriages end in divorce. So it's a slightly higher failure rate.

1:01:16What I find beautiful about how quickly and consistently people get remarried is that it tells me something about how important this is to us. And that's not lawyer Jim talking now. That's relationship person. Like, I hesitate to say relationship expert. But relationship person. You know, because I really think that's beautiful. It means that this is really important to us. Like, this is something we want to be good at. It's something we need. It's something that, like I think it's something that's just beautiful to us. And we run to it. Like we just want it so bad. Like because something in us wants this thing.

1:02:03Yeah, we want it. Like we want this connection. I think it's the most lovely thing that we just keep trying. And we just, and we're so human. Like we're so human that we fail so consistently at this thing through our own weakness and short-sightedness. And I think there's something really beautiful about that. Like I just think there's something really beautiful about our desire to love and to be loved. Because I think our greatest fear is that we're not worthy of love. I think our greatest fear is that if someone knew us, they wouldn't love us. Do you project that marriage rates will increase, decrease, or stay the same?

1:02:48I think we are doing what we do as a culture, which is we overcorrect. Okay. So I think for a period of time the marriage rate was down, the divorce rate was up. Now I'm seeing a lot of resurgence of traditional religion and traditional gender roles. So I think we're going to roll in the other direction all of a sudden and there's going to be more people getting married, fewer people getting divorced, more rigidity of gender roles. and then I think once again we'll overcorrect in the other direction. Like I've lived through as a 53 year old man, I've watched this pendulum swing a few times. And for some reason we just can't get ourselves into the middle.

1:03:26What is the problem to which marriage is a solution? You tell me. Me? You're married, what do you want me to tell you? Listen, what is the problem? Here's what I'll tell you people would answer. Okay. With Plan B Emergency Contraception, we're in control of our future. It's backup birth control you take after unprotected sex that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. It works by temporarily delaying ovulation and it won't impact your future fertility. Plan B is available in all 50 U.S. states at all major retailers near you with no ID, prescription, or age requirement needed. Together, we've got this.

1:04:05Follow Plan B on Insta at Plan B One Step to learn more. Use as directed. I'm lonely. I don't want to be lonely. Guess what? You can be married and be lonely. Sure. There's a special loneliness when you're unhappily married. Because you've got sitting next to you a person who's supposed to be your person. Yes. And you feel so alone and by yourself and isolated. So it's not a cure for loneliness. No. I want a steady supply of sex. We have sex and this is a way to guarantee we're going to keep having sex. Can you even say that out loud and not laugh? The fact that you're married as a guarantee that you're gonna have a steady supply of sex is like saying I live near a restaurant.

1:04:48So that guarantees I'm gonna get to be well fed every single day. Buffets every night. Right, right. So what is it? My parents want me to get married. Okay, like that's a reason. That's a reason a lot of people would answer. God wants me to get married. Right. That's a big one. Yes. That's a big one. I can't argue with that. Okay. Okay. And again, if you say the reason I got married is because God wants me to, cool, then you also acknowledge that God also handed down these two rules. Doesn't that tell you this has been a problem for a really long time? Yes. Like, because personally, I don't know when infidelity was invented, but I feel like it was probably like 10 minutes after monogamy was invented.

1:05:33Right. So you think monogamy came first? I mean, I guess it had to be by definition, right? Like it had to be. Otherwise, like, otherwise there's nothing, there's no rule to break. It could have been a theory. Right. But I believe it was probably like a cave, you know, and the caveman and whatever was kind of grunted that he's gonna, you know, this is his woman or whatever. Yes. And they're by the fire and she's with the kid and holding onto it and he was like, all right, I'm gonna, you know, he didn't say it eloquently, but he was like, like, I'm gonna go get the elk. And he walked out to get the elk and saw another decent-looking loincloth, and he kind of went like, well, I'm out here getting an elk anyway, I might as well say hello over here, and that's it.

1:06:11And that's it. We're off to the races. Ten minutes later. We're off to the races, you know? And we've evolved this as we have most things, but the underlying thing, like, you know, technology offers us real solutions to imaginary problems and imaginary solutions to real problems. Okay. So, like, this has been a real problem for a real long time. And now we have much more complex ways to cheat and much more complex ways to figure out that someone's cheating and sort of punish them or, you know, identify it if they do. But the core problem is still the same. Exactly. And this gets to your point of looking at this as a job and how can I be the best at this job.

1:06:50Yes. Which to some people say, oh, that's not romantic. Well, you know what? That's not romantic. I mean, some people would argue. I think that's the most romantic thing. That's sexy. I think it's the sexiest thing. That you're worth it. Yes. Like, again, you're my favorite person. Right? So, you know, you have a spouse, right? Yes. What's your spouse's name? Jill. Okay. So, Jill. So, let me, if you don't mind, I want to ask you a question. I'm not going to cross-examine you. It might feel like it. If I told you, like, by the way, these are lovely sneakers that you're wearing. Thanks. Okay. Thank you.

1:07:29If I said to you, I'll give you$10 ,000 for those sneakers, would you give them to me? Absolutely. Okay, good. If I said to you, will you give me Jill for$10 ,000? The answer is no, right? Correct. Thank God. But for a million, we could talk now. Okay, no, that's my next question. No, no, that's my next question. Really? For$10 million. Yes. Would you get rid of Jill? You know what's so interesting about this is I've had this exact conversation with Jill and I reached a point where I said there is no amount of money. All right, so now wait, but I want to add an element to this. I want to add, because you're saying there's no amount of money.

1:08:08So if I said to you for$10 million, you're going to leave your wife, the answer is no. Hundred million dollars, the answer is no. Billion dollars, the answer is no, right? Correct. Okay, now here's the hard question and I apologize for it in advance. Please. You got 30 days left with her. I can see the future. Okay. 30 days left with her. I'll give you$100 million to give up those 30 days. Okay? So that's, she's going anyway. Right. She's going in 30 days. Right. No matter what you do. So you can have lifetime economic security. And all you're losing is 30 days with Jill. Yes. Would you do it?

1:08:48No. Okay. Because the value of the time goes up. that's love. Yeah. That's love. Ask that question of someone about their dog. You get the same answer. Yes. Ask someone that about their kids. You get the same answer. There's nothing else you own that you would answer that way. There's nothing else in your life other than a person or an animal you love. There's nothing else you would say that about. Fair. And that to me, that's the most beautiful thing, to find that in another person. Here's the other thing. You're going to lose Jill. Right. And Jill's going to lose you. You are playing a game you can't win.

1:09:35We're going to die, all of us. We are losing everything all the time, always. There is a finite number of times you will kiss Jill. There's a number. I don't know it yet. You don't either. Sure. I hope it's there. It's such a high number, but it could be five. Like there's a finite number of sunsets you're going to see. Yes. It could be a thousand. It could be four. Now, again, that is not to me at all pessimistic. That to me is not at all dark Because even knowing that, you wouldn't take$100 million to lose 30 days with her. Right. That to me, man, you won. You won. I don't care what you do from here.

1:10:22I don't care if you become the most successful podcaster, writer, relationship expert in the whole wide world. You won. You won. That's it. You won. And do you know how few people win? and you have this thing, isn't it the most important thing? Like how do we not make this a priority? How do we spend so much time in our petty grievances with each other and these little resentments that we have towards each other and these little like, you didn't meet my needs exactly when I wanted you to, you didn't hear what I didn't say and anticipate my needs. Like you love her. She loves you. Like, this is the most beautiful, wonderful, precious thing.

1:11:11Would you spend 10 minutes a week, 10 minutes a day to just cultivate it and water it and cherish it? To tell her every single day, I have you. I found you. 8 billion people. I found you. Like, this to me is the most beautiful thing in the world. And we treat it like it's disposable, like we have it. We take it for granted. We forget about it. We just don't do anything with it. That to me is baffling. It's baffling. But this is why your work is so important. You know, this is why we want to continue to have conversations like this. And we need to talk because I'm with you. Yeah. Yeah. I agree.

1:11:52You know, I often tell people, I say, you know, everything else in my life is icing because I have the cake. I already have the cake. So everything else is icing. Everything else is, you know, and this is the reason why I have that same perspective that you have. And I think how beautiful is it to be able to have that in your life? You know, you're talking about love and how you define it. I've struggled with that same topic. Where I've landed on is a place that you feel utterly safe. So to your point of intimacy, it's where you feel that you can be. Truly yourself. Truly yourself. Yeah. And seen.

1:12:36And seen. I think that, and I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this. Because I see in your writing, like you touch this and it is a contradiction. But I see you as like identifying it as a contradiction. I love it. people get married and they make two opposite mistakes that seem like contradictions. One is this will change this person. Like if we get married, things will change. Like right now, he doesn't really take our relationship seriously, but if we get married, he will. Right now he drinks too much, but if we get married, he won't. Or, you know, right now she doesn't really take our relationship seriously and she doesn't make it a priority, but if we get married she will okay so thinking that marriage will change the relationship is a mistake yes okay agree agreed and thinking nothing will change if we get married is also a mistake yes like thinking this is so great we have lots of sex we love each other it's so great we enjoy each other's company and it's going to stay just like that for one day ever right so it feels like a contradiction.

1:13:42Yes. Like don't make the mistake of thinking your marriage is gonna change somebody and don't make the mistake of thinking that your marriage won't change and that the people like well okay so you're saying it's not gonna change some things it's definitely gonna change other things but you can't really make a list of which is gonna be which and how it's gonna happen. Yes. How do we reconcile that? That's the question that to me is the million dollar question. Yes it is it is. Have you ever heard of the Michelangelo effect? No. So it's this notion within relationships at least where what your partner so with Michelangelo, right, he's looking at the stone.

1:14:13Yeah. And a lot of people will say, what I'm going to do is I'm going to create the most incredible statue from the stone. Right. But Michelangelo will look at the stone and say, I'm going to unleash the most incredible statue that's already within. Yeah, I'm going to remove everything that's not Michelangelo. Exactly. I'm going to remove everything that's not David. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. That's not David. Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful. Yeah. So I'm going to unleash it. The way that a lot of people, and I look at relationships, great relationships, is we are that to our partner. We are helping our partner to unleash.

1:14:49I love that. And as we are unleashing, what we're doing is we're re-falling in love with that person. We had Youngblood, who now is like, oh, my God, Youngblood is one of the biggest stars in the world. Isn't that crazy? It's amazing. The Aussie thing, I think, helped that. Yeah, exactly right, right? Yeah. Their relationship made me cry. It was such a sweet thing. It was beautiful. Such a deep connection. And yeah, I love that. Like, I mean, it's because I'm getting older. I love like that intergenerational thing where like, I idolize you and like the older person's like, well, you have youth and there's so much of you that, like there's so many lessons you haven't learned yet.

1:15:26Like, I just found that so beautiful. It's almost like Ozzy handed the baton, you know, to Youngblood. Yeah, it's so beautiful. But Youngblood said something that was so profound. He said, you know, you have to fall in love with the same person 12 times. Right. And he was talking about half year. This is what you have to continue to do. And I realized that in my relationship with Jill, this is in essence what's happened. We have almost reached the end of one marriage. Yeah. And then we would enter a second. And as we're entering the second, I'm falling in love with this new person that's been unleashed.

1:15:58Who you're becoming. Who you're becoming. And then the third person and then the fourth person. And so now I'm on the 20th person. But you're describing what I think we know to be true, which is love is a feeling and love is a verb. Yes. You know, love is how we feel and it's also what we do. We act with love. Like you love Jill, meaning you feel love to Jill. But you also love Jill. Like you make a point of loving her, engaging in behaviors that are loving to her and that support that love and shape that love. And again, that's why when I think about what, because I like to begin with the end in mind.

1:16:33I like to begin, like, if I don't know where I'm going, I find it very hard to get there. So I feel like you should at the start of a marriage say, and again, for me, the goal is someday I want you to be able to say, I helped you become the most authentic version of yourself and you helped me become the most authentic version of myself. and you're still my favorite person and I'm still your favorite person. Because that covers both bases. That covers the verb of love. Like I loved you, I helped you become who you are. Not who I want you to be. Who you are authentically. And I love you. Like the feeling of love is in me for you.

1:17:18I enjoy you, I embrace you. I still would pick you out of the room and the choice of people to choose from. So that covers the feeling and it covers the action. It does. It does. And that also connects to something you said earlier, which I completely agree with, and that is this notion of checking in. Yeah. I think that is something that I've seen. You know, this isn't any deep research, but I've just kind of seen the more successful, higher satisfaction couples. They have some type of... They build it in. Build-in check-in, whether it's every day, it's every week. And it's almost an assessment as to where are we right now?

1:17:56Look, you know, you're married, you understand. You sometimes have a disagreement with your spouse about something. Like, it's something innocent. Like, what's the best way to cook this particular type of broccoli, you know? And ten minutes later, it's like, you know, I never liked your mother and she never liked me. And you're like, what? How long have you had that in the chamber? Like, what did that come from? And what that really is, I believe, is like these little things built up over time and that you don't let the valve off. And then it blows up about something else. Like you're not mad at broccoli.

1:18:30You're mad at me. Exactly. You're mad at me. And by the way, rightly so. Like if I leave a bunch of dishes in the sink, you're not mad at me for leaving a bunch of dishes in the sink. Like if I had a stomach virus and it hit me as I was doing the dishes, you wouldn't go, why did you leave the dishes in the sink? You know, what it is is those dishes are a message. Yes. I don't really care about you. You like the house to be clean, but I can't be bothered. And also you do this. I don't feel like it. Like you clean up after me. I don't feel like cleaning up after myself. Like that's what you're mad at.

1:19:04You're mad at the disrespect of this. It's not about the dishes. It's about what the dishes symbolize. And so that to me, like, I often believe it's not about the sex. Like when people are like, oh, you know, our sex life is unsatisfying. It's not even the sex necessarily as the attention, the affection, the desire. Like you meet your partner and they're interested and they're interesting. And you're all hopped up on each other and you're all fascinated by each other. And you walk past each other and your skin touches each other and you feel it in your toes. Like it's the most intoxicating thing in the world.

1:19:39Like the intoxication of early romance is incredible. Yes, yes. But we'd never get anything done if you maintained that level, right? Of like just drunk with distraction of this person that you just can't stop thinking about them. Like God, if you said to me like, oh my God, I feel about Jill today, exactly as I did when we were three weeks into the relationship, I would be like, dude, are you okay? I mean, it's amazing. But it's how do you get anything done? Because again, I'm not suggesting that you don't still have the same depth of feeling, maybe even something better because it's been replaced by like all of that excitement and affection and love, but it also has like a depth of connection now.

1:20:20And it has like a familiarity that like, you know, just what to do and just how to touch each other and just how to turn each other on. Like what a great superpower that could be. Yes. But come on, like it's gonna shift. It's gonna move. And why don't we have built into our marriage the ability to go, hey, things are shifting and changing. Like, I've been in therapy for 15 years, 20 years. I've been in therapy. I go do therapy once a week. Sometimes it was because my life was on fire. My mom was dying. I was getting divorced. All the thousand natural shocks the flesh is heir to. And a lot of the time it was just that like, yeah, I want to figure this out.

1:20:58I want to be good at being me. I want to figure out what it means to be me. I want to understand my childhood stuff and how it still affects me. And I find tremendous value in being in therapy. But I have to tell you, as a man who's 53 years old and been in therapy for a good 20 years of it, I think I understand like 70 % of myself maybe. There you go. Maybe. By the way, I'm in here. Yes. I'm in here. And I kind of just get about 70. Some of it I'm still like, why did you do that? Like I'm a mystery to me. Right. What chance do I have of knowing you better than that? Yeah, that's a great point.

1:21:37That's a great point. That's a great point. It's like almost the older I get, the more I realize how little I know about myself. Right. What a mystery I have. And by the way, you can embrace that mystery. And you can even say to your partner, hey, I don't see my blind spots. That's where there are blind spots. Exactly. What do you think? But if it's loaded, if you have, again, that's why I said it's simplicity and complexity. If it starts from a place of, I know I'm your favorite person. I know you are cheering for me. So when you point out something I need to work on, or a blind spot that I'm not seeing, I know you are not doing it to hurt me.

1:22:18You are doing it to help me become the best and most authentic version of myself, to help me find happiness. Because I don't know about you, but I am constantly doing things that submarine my own happiness. All the time. All the time. Like a couple a day. And so I love the idea of having another person who will say to me, right, you sure you're doing the, like, hey, listen, you get to do what you want to do, but are you sure that's going to serve you? And I go, no, I think it's good. And they go, last time at this, and I go, shit, yeah, you're right. You were right. Hey there, we have conversations just like this one every week.

1:22:58So if you haven't already, hit follow and the bell icon, and I'll see you for the next one. What I want to do is I want us to talk about couples. Okay. And these are couples. Some of them have yet to be married. Some of them are married. And we believe they're happy. Some of them are broken up. And I want us to talk about the setup. Okay. Whether or not prenups would be better. How the divorce happened. Yeah. Let's do it. So let's just randomly grab these folks. I love it. Okay. This is a... I hope none of them I'm retained by at this point. I hope not. Hopefully they're not from New York. Actually, we could just edit it out.

1:23:36That's right, that's right. Okay, so first, let's talk about these couples. So you know about this couple here. Travis and Kelsey. Absolutely, Travis and Kelsey. Okay, so now, what do you think? Well, let's talk about what they've got going for them. Okay. And let's talk about what we've got against them. All right, let's do that. Because again, every relationship has some tailwinds and some headwinds, right? Okay. So let's look at the tailwinds and the headwinds, okay? So tailwinds, the things that are supporting them, moving them forward in a positive way, right? They're both very successful driven people.

1:24:09They're both, this is a first marriage, right? For them both. Like they are both people that are doing this for the first time and they're not super young, right? They're not like children. They've lived some life. Taylor's written some amazing albums about her breakups. Like her, I'm almost disappointed that we won't have more Taylor breakups because it creates such prolifically good music, right? They're both pragmatic. Okay. Because they're both very successful financially. Her, by an order of magnitude greater than him. Yes. But they're both very successful at their craft. They have both spent a tremendous, so they have a lot of these wonderful commonalities, right?

1:24:48And they also both are incredibly successful in their field and yet still say, hey, I'm really amazing as an athlete. I'm really amazing as a musician and an artist, but I need something. I need love. I need connection to another person. They have tremendous resources individually and between them. So when they have challenges, they're going to be able to have those resources. They want to have scarcity. They don't have to make very painful, difficult choices about like, hey, you know, we only have this amount of money and our child needs this, and so now you can't have this thing you needed, and which of us is gonna sacrifice?

1:25:24Like, either of them or both of them could quit working, and they'd never need to work again their whole life. So they have lots of great tailwinds. A lot of tailwind. A lot of tailwind. Yes. Uh-oh. A lot of headwind. Really? A lot? A lot of headwind. A lot. A lot of headwind. Okay. They're both very successful, wealthy people, who are celebrities and in the public eye. Everything they're doing will be scrutinized. Every gesture will be taken as something potentially controversial and interesting. Unless she came out today without her wedding ring on. What's that about? Is there trouble in their relationship?

1:25:57She's going to a yoga class. She didn't want to wear the ring. Like, good Lord, it's not a big deal. But there's going to be a Greek chorus of people talking about everything they do and scrutinizing everything they do. And you know, on the internet, someone's going to say you're doing it so good and someone's gonna say, you are doing it so wrong no matter what you do, right? And they're living under a microscope all the time. And by the way, they're surrounded by people that are just gonna yes them to death. They're surrounded by people that want some piece of something that they can give them.

1:26:27So they go, oh my God, yeah, no, absolutely. So when they go, I can't believe Travis did this. They go, I know, girl, how dare he? You're a girl boss and wonderful. You deserve better than that. And when he goes to his people, his team around him, the people who he's feeding, they're gonna go, yeah, man, you know, Taylor, you don't need that just because she thinks she's so great because you're the right one and this one. So they both have yes men around them and that's super dangerous, super, super dangerous. They both have the ability to walk away from each other and be completely fine. Yes.

1:26:59Like I've done a lot of high net... Financially. I've done a lot of high net worth divorces and I will tell you, when you have the ability to go, yeah, we'll just buy two new houses. Yeah, we'll just buy two new vacation houses. Like, you don't have that much incentive to not quit other than the emotional incentive to not quit. Right. Right? Like, because it's not like, oh no, if we split up, I'm not going to have the things I need. You'll have everything you need. These people have enough money, either one of them individually, they're going to have everything they need for the rest of their lives unless something catastrophic happens.

1:27:30Does that increase the need for a prenup between these two? I think both of these are people that are intelligent enough to know. They have both had teams of lawyers working on their contracts, their lives, their business ventures, suing and being sued. Like, you're nobody until somebody sues you. Trust me, every high net worth client I have has sued and been sued. And they look at lawyers like plumbers. Like, there's something you need. Like, they both have spent hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars on lawyers. because they are engaged in contracts, they're engaged in business, they both own businesses, they both own companies.

1:28:09Like, of course, they're around lawyers all the time. So there is, I think, a fully 0 % chance these people don't have a prenup. But if they have a prenup, would my wish be that they will admit it? They will come out of the closet with their prenup and normalize prenups? Yes, I wish they would. Because people see these two people and go, man, they really like each other. Listen to her album and tell me she doesn't feel very strongly about him. Watch how he engages her when the two of them are talking with each other in the public sphere and tell me that there's not a genuine bond of affection.

1:28:44And by the way, both of them have lots of options, which is both a headwind and a tailwind. Yeah, having a lot of options. Are you telling me this guy couldn't get some other girl? Are you telling me this girl couldn't get some other guy? They're good looking and rich and talented and amazing public figures. You're telling me that they have fame, celebrity, money, all this stuff. You're telling me they couldn't. And by the way, sometimes that's a headwind. Yes. Because it's so, why would I put it? You know how many, and by the way, here's the other thing they both have. And a lot of my clients have this too.

1:29:12And you and I have it just a little bit. Okay. They're famous. Hmm. They're famous. And let me tell you, that's dangerous. Being famous is dangerous. This level of famous is a whole nother level of famous. I'm this famous. And I have to tell you, it's bad for me. It's bad for me. I remember, like I live in an apartment and my office where I work is like three blocks from there. So I walk to work. I can take this one too. I walk to work all the time. Okay. And about a year and a half ago, it started that when I take that walk, invariably, one or two people will go, hey, the divorce lawyer! Or they'll go, Jim!

1:29:51Or James! And I'll turn around and they'll go, a big fan! You know, or whatever. People, can I take a picture with you? Yes. At first it was like once a week it happened. Then it became like once a day, twice a day it happened. Now, three, four, five times a day just in that walk. Okay. Then one day out of the blue, nobody stopped me. I don't know what it was, but nobody stopped me. And I went, huh, what's going on? Why didn't anybody, did I walk too fast? Like, am I falling off? Is there? And then thank God some voice in the back of my head went, dude, don't do that. Really? We're going to do this now?

1:30:33We need that dopamine hit now? Like, we need, like, this is not going to end well. Don't chase that dragon. Like, they are incredibly famous, which means they, the praise of others. Like, I have to tell you, I've represented celebrities for many years, and I've been like an E-list celebrity for like a year. And I see now why some of my celebrity clients are unbelievably awful people. Because I walk down the street and three or four people go, excuse me, I just wanna tell you you're awesome. How does that not go to your head? How do you not get drunk on that? So this is why I do a lot of celebrity divorces because celebrities get divorced a lot.

1:31:17Because they got a whole bunch of people all the time telling them how wonderful they are and yet their spouse can't possibly affirm them that broadly and constantly. It's interesting that you say that because I have someone else. Here we go. This is a fun game. Yeah, this is, let's go here. All right. All this was expensive. This is Bezos 1.0. This is before he got like all the testosterone going through his system. It looked like Superman. Before he became Superman. Before he became Bionic. So this is Jeffrey Bezos and Mackenzie Scott, right? Yeah. So they were married - Oh, there's so much to learn from these two.

1:31:57Before. Yeah. Before he found Amazon. That's why she got - She got a full-on half, baby. So she got, yeah, so she got half. Now she got half, but what became difficult about this case was not what was she entitled to. I don't think there was any argument over it. What this was is a great illustration, because I've done divorces not of this individual, but of this level. And what's interesting about that is because I've represented some C-suite executives and they have tremendous amounts of stock ownership, many of them. Founders, for example, have. Like I've done a few of those. What ends up happening is she's entitled to half of everything that was acquired during the marriage, including his ownership interest in Amazon, which is a controlling interest.

1:32:37Yes. The problem is if you cut this in half, he no longer has a controlling interest in the company. And there are shareholders who actually have a superior ownership interest to his. That is dangerous, not just to him, but to the company and to her if she wants that stock to be worth much of anything. So I've had clients, many very high net worth clients like this, who come in and say, figure out what I have and give her half. Like we don't hate each other. We're splitting up. Like figure out what I have and give her half. And it takes about a dozen lawyers, six months to figure out what you have, how to value it, and then how to divide it in half in a way that doesn't damage it.

1:33:21Like sometimes it's a math and accounting issue. And that's what this was, is this was not a situation where she had to take him to court and he had to take her to court and they were arguing. This had to do with how do we do this in a way that maximizes value, doesn't shirk his responsibility to his shareholders, and doesn't submarine what is arguably one of the most valuable companies in the world. But this also brought up a few questions I saw. So Mackenzie got$38 billion. With a B. With a B, the largest divorce settlement payout in the history at that time. Okay. But a question that was brought up by many people was, okay, if you are a founder, or you are founding something, or you believe that you're creating something incredible, Yeah.

1:34:01How do you protect that when you enter a marriage? I would assume it's a prenup. It's a prenup. This is it. It's a prenup. Period. It's a prenup. It's a prenup. Yeah, if he had a prenup, he'd been protected. He'd been fine. Okay. He'd been fine. All right. He turned out okay, though. They're both doing fine. I mean, actually, the funny PS of her story is, you know, she ended up marrying like a schoolteacher. Yes. And then they got divorced. They got divorced. Yeah. And I would imagine she had a prenup for the schoolteacher. I would bet. We don't know, but I would bet. All right. I have one more that I want to do.

1:34:29You have a bunch more you want to do, but we're only going to do one more. I've got seven more. We'll have to do it again sometime. This is a fun game. I love this. I love this game. Nobody plays games with me. This is great. I thought we'd do charades next. Okay, so now this one, many people, this is a controversial one. This is a picture of my ex-wife. We're going to have a stop. No, I'm kidding. She's like this. All right, take a look at this. Do you know these two? I am aware. I am aware of these non-royals. Okay. All right. So you have in your hand, you have Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

1:35:00Okay. Now, the reason why I wanted... I thought it was William's brother and the girl from Suits. But yes, now I see. So tell me how you really feel about them. Just kidding. All right. So the reason why I wanted to bring this up is because reportedly they do not have a prenuptial agreement. Yeah, that's not surprising to me. Why is it not surprising? I think it would get very complicated with royals. a lot of what the royals have isn't theirs. It's really owned by the country. Like, it's owned by the royal family as a family. It's akin to a trust. Like, there are a lot of ultra-wealthy individuals that own very little.

1:35:38That everything, like, generational wealth is still, like, the number one wealth. Like, that's, like, when I look at my life, like, I chose my parents poorly, in terms of, like, all I inherit from my father, He's alive still, but all I will inherit from him is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism and high blood pressure. Like I'm not inheriting any money from the guy. So a lot of what he owns is not owned by him. A lot of what she owned, obviously she was a kind of C-list actress who was like on, and again, that's not to be pejorative, it's a very difficult business. She was doing well in it, but she wasn't getting up for any Academy Awards.

1:36:18Like this was not someone who was an A-list celebrity in terms of their skills as an actor or their status as an actor. I shouldn't say their skills, their status as an actor. So they married and, you know, they seem to have now tried to leverage their fame into more money, right? Like I represent wealthy people. I represent famous people. I represent famous wealthy people. I represent wealthy, not famous people. I represent some famous, not wealthy people. So in terms of who you should probably want to be, wealthy and not famous is really good. Yes. Wealthy and famous is good. It's pretty good.

1:37:04It's a little irritating. You lose a lot of your privacy, but you get some access that maybe just a wealthy person wouldn't have. You get some status and ego boosts that you can buy a lot of status and ego boosts, but fame and wealth is a good combination. Famous and not wealthy sucks. I see. And they were to some degree famous and not wealthy. And that's challenging. Let's say that they split up. What do you suppose happens in that divorce? What goes where? Who gets what? Yeah, I mean, you know, they've got kids, so there would definitely be some custody-related issues. Their question of sort of where they want to be geographically would now be restricted by a function of the fact that they have children under the age of 18 and both have a right to be involved in the children's lives until the children at least reach the age of 18, so they would be geographically fixed.

1:37:58He is, as some, I'm not giving away any secrets to say that he has alienated himself from his family in many ways, and he has foregone certain opportunities that he previously had purportedly for the purpose of deepening his connection to his wife. She has tried a number of ventures that have been sort of hit or miss successful in terms of public sentiment and also success from a pecuniary perspective. So I think they have a lot of the same challenges that a lot of couples would have, except the part that I think is really difficult is it would be extraordinarily public. I mean, a divorce is at best a knife fight in the closet with your kids in the closet.

1:38:43And you could just start stabbing, but you're just going to hurt everybody. Now it's a public spectacle. Like there are, I will say this, these are two human beings. So they're as flawed as every human being and they have God in them the same way every human being does. They are struggling with a relationship probably the same way everyone struggles with relationship They want to be good at it. It's not always easy. It's challenging. But they are, and I've represented famous people, so I can tell you, like they are so under scrutiny. And that's really hard. I know people look at famous people and go, oh my God, it'd be so cool to be famous.

1:39:22And by the way, there are some parts of being famous that are amazing. Like you get access to things, you get praise constantly. It's good for your ego. But it's also like when you step on the rake, everybody's watching. And man, I got to tell you, there are more people cheering for these two, their demise, than there are cheering for their success. These are two young people trying to figure it out. They've made some really big moves. I think we can all agree they've made some bad moves here and there. I think they would say it if they were being honest. They would admit that this is not what they...

1:39:55It's not going exactly the way they meant it to necessarily. I'm cheering for them. I'm cheering for everybody in that sense. Like even earlier when I'm talking about the guy who hit the dog and stuff, I'm cheering for him, man. I hope he gets it together. I hope he sits down and spends a lot of time in therapy and figures out what's going on with him that could let him be that kind of person. I don't wish him ill. I don't wish him ill. I don't want any sentient beings to suffer. Yeah, we don't want to see a divorce happen here. And namely because of what you mentioned, because they don't have the prenup because of how famous they are.

1:40:30The structure. This would be a nasty one. That would be like a lawyer's dream. So there's a question that everyone gets. It's the final question. Yep. And that is, I can't wait to hear your answer on this is, you think of all the incredible conversations you've had throughout your life. Yeah. Which one is the most memorable? Who was it with and what did you learn?

1:40:57Wow. Gosh, I'm torn in F2.

1:41:06One, I was a hospice volunteer for a really long time. And when you're a hospice volunteer, you spend a tremendous amount of time with someone who's imminently dying. And I had a lot of conversations with people who were dying in the days and weeks immediately prior to their death. And I look at all of those conversations as one conversation. and what I will tell you is it was never about death. It was never about the fact that they were dying. It was always about their life. It was always about, and it was never about their stuff. It was always about the things that connected them. Like it was about love.

1:41:49It was about people. So all of those conversations were incredibly meaningful and important to me. If I had to pick a singular conversation that was the most resonant for me, my son and I, my younger son and I, he's 26 now. It was maybe about eight or nine years ago. He was in his late teens, early 20s, something like that. And we just weren't connecting. Like, we were just in a weird spot in our relationship. He was really hostile to me in some ways and, like, gave me very little grace. And I was very critical of him. He wasn't the person I wanted him to be. He didn't do things, though. Like, I loved him so much.

1:42:34I mean, he's my kid. But he just wasn't, come on, man, see it. Like, just do the thing. Like, come on, you know.

1:42:43And I suggested to him that we, like, sit down together with a therapist and try to figure it out. And he was open to that. And in that conversation, rightfully, he was criticizing me. He was saying, you know, here's where you were challenged. You didn't do this as a father. You didn't do that as a father. And you could have been better at this. And you could have been better at that. And I remember saying to him, are you comparing me to an actual person? Or your imagined idea of what a father should be? Because my imagined son is amazing, right? And your imagined dad, perfect dad, is amazing.

1:43:27But that's unfair. And learn this lesson now, because if you compare your spouse one day to your imagined perfect spouse, you're going to be very disappointed in a real person, right? And I remember in that conversation, I just kept saying, look, man, I don't know. I don't know how I could do better. I can't undo the past. I want to be better at this. And we were getting kind of frustrated with each other. And at some point I said to him, do you know I love you? Like, do you know how much I love you? Do you know I love you? Because I want you to feel my love. Do you not? Like, and if you don't, like, what am I getting wrong?

1:44:14Because, like, I want to be good at this. Like, I love you and I want you to feel my love. And if you don't feel my love, like, I don't know what to do. Like, help me. Help me. Like, help me love you in a way that you feel it. Because I want you to feel it. And it was a very powerful moment between the two of us because he sort of broke down too. And he said, like, no, I know you love me, Dad. And I was like, all right, well, how do you know? Like, what are some things that make you know I love you? And he started running down this list of like, well, you know, when I was a kid, you did this. And, you know, whenever I do this, you always sort of help me figure it out.

1:44:57And all of a sudden, we were coming from this place of recognition of all the things we were giving to each other and all the ways we were trying, even if we weren't successful. all the ways we were trying and we weren't so fixated on all of these perceived ways we were feeling like failing each other we were just hyper fixated on no you know you do it and all of a sudden he was defending me well all of a sudden i was going yeah and i could have done better and then he's like no come on like you look man you were trying your your dad never did that for you how would you have known and then i you know he was like well you know i could do a better job at this and i'm like hey when i was your age i didn't figure that out i didn't figure that out to tell I was in my 30s.

1:45:38And all of a sudden, the whole thing, the whole thing spun around. And we're both trying to like give each other grace and build each other up. And like, it was a turning point in our relationship. And we have since then been very deeply connected as father and son, because I think there was something about the like breaking in that conversation of just saying, like, what do I do? And I think what that was about was just being willing to just humble yourself at the beauty and awe of love. Yes. That also underscores to me the importance of what you've been talking about, and that is perspective.

1:46:25Yeah. You know, you had that perspective around your son. Your son had perspective around you. Yeah. And that was that created that inflection point for you. I genuinely believe get back to basics. And that's my favorite person. Yes. Because I will tell you, I can say to both of my sons, they're my favorite people. Yeah, 100%. 100%. And I'm among their favorite people. I mean, my older son just got married. I hope his wife's his favorite person. Right. But you're a close second, hopefully. Yeah. I'm in the running. You're in the running. And it's okay. That's okay. Like, that's where we're supposed to land in the world.

1:47:04If you can get back to first principles and the foundation of your connections, which is usually love and the desire to be connected, I think there's so much promise in that. So to have a divorce lawyer who undoes ties for a living say to you, lean in and love. Exactly, exactly. That's what I'm saying. And I think that's why your work is so important and your perspective is so important. And what you're saying, it seems quite simple, but it's profound. And I'm going to use this now. It really does resonate with me, this whole litmus test around you're my favorite person. It's a good way to go.

1:47:45I think that it's a concept that we can all apply. It's easy. Immediately. Immediately. It's the easiest thing in the world to say. And it's, again, it's so simple. and so resonant and so beautiful to be able to say that. Well, we need you to continue to speak. I'm still at it. You need to continue to write. I want to go on the record to say that you need a podcast. Okay. This is just what I need. I already have a full-time job. Yes. That was like, is already the harshest mistress. My ex-wife can tell you I canceled vacations constantly. I've canceled, how many times did I cancel our interview?

1:48:19Because some billionaire needed me in a courtroom. Like I already had a job. Now I've got a part-time media job on top of that. You're trying to give me another job? That's right. You're killing me, man. You're Jamaican. I've been 23 jobs, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. I do like jerk chicken, too. So, yeah, that works. You're official. Yeah, that works. Yeah, I'm in there. James Sexton. Yes. Or Jim. Our discussion around prenups, I found, to be very important. How James framed it was great. And that is just simply sit down with your partner and say, okay, what's mine, what is yours, and what is ours?

1:48:55And as we move forward, how are we going to place things in those categories? And when I think about that framing, the way that myself and Jill walked into our marriage is we said everything is going to be ours. So we literally walked in, bank account, ours. Home, ours. The business that we create, any businesses will be ours. Children, everything was ours. So in hindsight, I see that we actually had a conversation like that, but we just placed everything in the same bucket. What a fascinating guest for us to have. Someone who is undoubtedly one of, if not the most famous divorce attorney in the world.

1:49:46So just to have his perspective, I think is fascinating. Someone who himself has gone through the process of divorce, who is a romantic. You'd think that those two things can't coexist or that person can't have those beliefs, but he does. Yeah, fascinating. James Sexton is just figuring out that relationships are his passion.

1:50:38Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, leading experts in relationship research with over 50 years of experience. John is renowned for his groundbreaking work on marital stability, while Julie is an acclaimed clinical psychologist. Men who kiss their wives goodbye live an average of five years longer than men who don't. We've really started to understand what makes the difference between people who have a great sex life and people who say they have an awful sex life. Please tell us. Pick three times a year where you just go to a motel for an overnight. You know, it's magic. If it's a good relationship.

1:51:13Yeah, but I was somebody... Don't interrupt you. We went to a therapist. You too went to a therapist. Yeah, this therapist believed that what made relationships work was clear boundaries. She said to me, John, you can say no to Julie. And I said to Julie, do I sound like her? And she said, yeah, you do. But when you consider the divorce rate has been at 50 % for decades, you realize their faith in marriage has been broken. So I ask you, is marriage outdated?