The Lessons That Stuck With Me... We’re Talking Best Advice for 2026

0:00Hello, and welcome to We're Talking. We've had some incredible conversations, and as we look to the new year, I've been thinking about the lessons, insights, and advice that has stuck with me the most.

0:20First up is one of my favorite couples, the Gottmans and the power of the cool down. Julie, you mentioned contempt, and I know that often predicts the demise. of relationship. So what are the four horsemen in particular? Why is contempt so alarming, so disturbing? Well, let's start with the first one, which is criticism. Criticism means blaming a problem between you on a personality flaw of your partner. So that's, you're so lazy, you're so selfish, you're so thoughtless, what's the matter with you? You always or you never, those are also criticisms because they imply a personality flaw. Contempt, as you bring up, is the worst.

1:11It's sulfuric acid for a relationship. Incidentally, it also destroys the immune system. So the number of times, for example, in one of these conflict conversations in the lab, that a person hears contempt, predicts how many infectious illnesses they're going to have in the next four years. Goodness. Yep. Destroys the immune system. Isn't that incredible? That's incredible. And we know the mechanism because Ron Glazer and Jan Kilko Glazer actually took small bits of blood from newlywed couples who were arguing. and they're secreting cortisol and adrenaline, and that predicted divorce over a 10-year period.

1:56And Ron Glazer was an immunologist who studied the immune system in those drops of blood, and the immune system plummeted even in that half an hour. That half an hour. That's an incredible. So if you're in a relationship with a partner who is contemptuous, literally your physical health is being... Is in jeopardy. Is in jeopardy. Is being sapped. Is being sapped. Oh, my goodness. Isn't that incredible? That is incredible. You know, we could be talking just like this, you know, just looking just fine and relaxed. Yes. But in conflict, a heart rate is going up over 100 beats a minute. Ah, okay. Is this flooding?

2:38Yes. This is flooding. This is flooding. And, you know, another phrase for that is fight or flight. People are going into fight or flight. And when you're in that state, you receive less blood to the prefrontal cortex. And that area of the brain is what controls good decision making, creative thinking, being able to problem solve, being able to listen accurately and really take in what the other person is saying. Instead, your partner could be saying, honey, I really love you. and you're hearing you are ugly, you know? That's what's happening when you're flooded. I think this is controversial.

3:23Not everybody agrees with me, but I think men have more trouble self-soothing than women do. If they take a break from a conflict, they're really thinking about it and thinking about what they should say, and they stay aroused as a result of it. Okay. And I think it comes from evolutionary history as protectors of the tribe and cooperative hunters were good at maintaining vigilance and high arousal, whereas women really needed to have the milk letdown response to feed infants, and that requires being able to self-soothe. And relax. And relax. That's my take on the gender differences. So if we are flooded, how do we self-soothe?

4:09So here's what you do. Okay. So, first of all, the minute you sense that you're getting flooded or maybe there's flooding going on with the other person, you ask to take a break. And you say when you'll come back to discuss it again. Because if you don't do that, your partner may feel rejected, abandoned. Maybe they'll never get back to it and so on. So that doesn't work. You've got to say when you'll come back. I'll be back in an hour. Also, don't think about the fight. That is the secret. As John pointed out, as long as you keep thinking about it, you stay physiologically aroused. But the minute you pick up a magazine and read it, or you go to the gym and work out, or you meditate, or you read a book or you listen to music, you play music, anything that really takes your mind off the fight.

5:18Okay. Is play with the dog, play with the kids. That's what you need to do. And then you come back at the designated time and continue the conversation. Now, if you're not calm enough, ask for more time. I need another hour. And the minimum amount of time a break should last is 20 to 30 minutes. Minimum. Minimum. Takes that long for the body to start metabolizing the stress hormones that have, you know, flooded your blood system. The maximum is 24 hours. Okay. And what's the best way to tell that you're flooded? You're repeating yourself. Louder. You think you're more persuasive. You say the same thing over again, louder.

6:08I said no. I said no. Right. That's a play. You know what I love about this, too, is it destroys what I believe is one of the greatest myths that exist in arguing, and that is never go to bed angry. That's right. That's right. Isn't that rubbish? That is rubbish. Yeah, especially being in the UK. Isn't that... That's possible. This is, we always hear it. And I say, but it doesn't make sense. Go to bed and get a good night's sleep. And then approach it in the morning. And don't try and resolve it late at night. Because you're too tired. You can't do it. You don't have the brain power. Taking a break long enough from a disagreement for the nervous system to regulate, and then returning to the conversation with renewed energy.

6:55Simple, but transformative. Next up is Jordan Stevens and his own theory on emotional regulation and the masculinity crisis. Do you feel like there is actually a kind of crisis in terms of men being able to be honest about how they're feeling about life and society in the West? Oh, absolutely. I think all over the world. you know then we have a challenge around identifying what the emotion is yeah um and what i noticed and i do this with a lot of the television shows it's it's funny enough i was filming um uh i guess i can say it i was filming married at first sight uh yesterday and there was a gentleman that i was working with and i asked him i said so tell me what emotion do you have in this moment right now as you sit with your wife.

7:52What emotion is it? He had no words and he wasn't armed to be able to articulate the words. He doesn't know what an emotion is. So I said, if you cannot tell me what the emotion is, you can't tell me what the feeling is. Therefore, you definitely can't tell me what your partner's emotion is. yeah and you definitely can't tell me what your partner's feeling is if you can't tell me what your partner's is then you can't hold space for them no you that means you can't connect with them like the most important thing it is and you said it it is it it is like do we start like a heartbreak high or you know just some space where you where we can just in get like why at school is that not the utmost priority to be i think it's one hour a week in the uk psc personal social education one hour a week well when i went i'm thinking that all children and young people need to understand is how they feel how they engage with in people interpersonally every day of their lives yes and this would and i bet you you feel the same this will definitely get us both into trouble but i'll say it so it'll get me into trouble is um trigonometry yeah when i was in i used that today right yeah i was gonna say i have not used trigonometry oh well since i was but yeah cute angles though yeah no we i have no idea like they've not true yeah it's it's it's like it is it is almost pointless yeah if not pointless yeah right however being able to identify your emotion and feeling is everything yeah in life everything everything in life like i'm saying this is what spins me out then at the basis of these huge political social economic shifts is a human being yes like a human that is feeling something and that feeling is a part of the decision yes sometimes i look at like the house of commons yes and they're talking about this massive change of policy well someone's fucking asleep okay i definitely want them to be awake like when do you know i mean like how are we not like like if it's down to me they'll be having you know therapy is a is a no that you that is you're in therapy 100 if you're making decisions about my whole country yes i want to know what you're eating how many hours you're sleeping yes and who you're talking to yes like these are getting pissed at the bar and passing out in the yes so like we need to re-engage with that very fabric of our society of putting so much like how much better would decisions be if we were emotionally regulated when we made them that's all i'm asking yeah yeah and and this is the reason why i think these conversations are so important my mind also turns to the advice dr julie smith gave me about self-care yeah so when we talk about that idea of the kind of value system that there are lots of different areas of your life that might matter to you and they all take uh time effort and commitment to kind of keep them up and and when we talk about the the stuff you put in each box when you're writing out the values exercise it's the kind of person you want to be and the way you want to show up um but i think we've got a junk over there haven't we with uh we we do time we do so so for for everyone listening we have uh we have uh basically five cups the center cup is you and then we have another cup of new that represents new projects new stuff in our lives we have a one cup for family one cup for romantic.

11:29So all of our romance and then one cup for friends. So five cups. So if we kind of maybe fill this one and then that could represent the fact that you only have a limited amount of capacity. A limited amount of time and energy and effort to put into the different areas of your life. And you don't have enough to fill every cup. So you can't give all of yourself to everything and actually if you even if you give all of yourself to one thing there's going to be nothing left for you either so it when you look at the kind of the values stuff the reason it can't be a path to self-criticism is because you have to recognize there's only a limited amount of you to go around and lots of things can matter to you at the same time yes so it's this balancing act of where am I needed at the moment and what matters to me most at the moment and um where is my duty where is my responsibility and where do I want to be and that kind of thing okay so so what do we do so what do we get well let's say I mean we were looking at this before let's say um you know you've got a family so that oh god am I gonna be able to so let's say that you know that demands a certain amount of non-negotiable you yes you know effort and time as does your partner yes And you've got this kind of new project that you want to start up, which is, you know, a new health regime or, you know, exercise and stuff.

12:58Yeah. But already, though, I have I don't even have do I have enough for me? Yeah. And let's say your friends are going, we haven't seen you in months. Come out. You know, one of our friends. Oh, no, don't give any to the friends. Don't give any to the friends. You know, it's very quickly, visually easy to see that you can't do it all perfectly all of the time. No. And that's OK. That's not because there's anything wrong with you. You're human. You're the same as everybody else. There's only a limited amount of effort you can give to everything. And so, but it's changeable, right? So let's say, you know, one of your friends really, really needs you.

13:40So maybe you don't go out for that family dinner this week. You go and see your friend who's really in desperate need. So you give them a bit extra this time. And then actually that situation changes and you've got some time now to focus on that new health project you're going to do. But you can't stay empty for long. So maybe next week you say, oh, I'm going to go out with my friends. And your partner says, yeah, that's great. That's fine. But don't be gone long. Come back. and so or maybe you know someone says i'll take care of the kids tonight you go you guys go out together and so this whole it's just this constantly moving kind of fluid uh set of values that you're it's okay to be juggling them and i know we were saying earlier that that could generate so much anxiety because often well often it generates anxiety when you expect yourself to have every cup full all of the time yes but as soon as we acknowledge that it won't be that way then you can start playing around with balancing the balance what that's brilliant but i noticed you did something in this which is very intriguing to me is you maintained the u cup so you so once you've poured out from the u cup you didn't continue pouring no and i'd like to say i do that you know that was on purpose and i do that all the time but in reality we don't right we say oh we haven't got like a work thing but let's put work into new let's say like oh you've got a book going on you need a minute and that and actually but we need to focus on the kids so let's make sure it's just work and kids for now it's okay to do that some of the time isn't it right that for the minute there's just these couple of things that really matter yes and we haven't got capacity for anything else at the moment, as long as we know that that's temporary and we will rebalance when we can.

15:33That's why I do these values exercises for myself fairly often. And sometimes it's just to recalibrate and work out, okay, where am I at? And where do I want to be that might be different to that? Yes. You know what I love about this is it goes against this phrase that we hear all the time. And that is, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Yeah. And I think what that refers to is your cup. So clearly in this example, there's nothing left in the U cup. So you're right. I can't pour from that, but I can borrow from other cups. Yeah. And that, yeah. Brilliant exercise. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess sometimes that involves things like, you know, if it was the, you put loads of, you know, effort into your relationship, but you had no me time and you've been putting loads of stuff into, you know, effort into work.

16:18It's saying, I know you really want to, you know, spend every evening together. I really feel like I need some time to do something for myself or go and start exercising or whatever it might be. So sometimes it means asking for that, doesn't it? And saying or saying, I need to take a bit of time. But that gives me something else to bring back later on. Yes. So it's always that kind of negotiation. You're always, always back and forth, always back and forth. I'm a huge advocate for writing letters as it's one of the most profound ways to access emotion and express it to the people you love. Has your brother ever written you a letter?

17:01No. No. That's interesting. Why? Why? I got this for you.

17:13What is... This is a letter from Lewis. He didn't even write me a birthday card last year. Oh, really? What is this? If you could read that out loud for us.

17:29It says, Ty, my hero. Okay, deep breath before you read this. You know how emotional you get. See? Oh, jeez, pull, man.

17:41You know how emotional you get? And I'm already crying right in it. so we're both in danger here. Honestly, this whole moment feels wild. Not only am I writing you an actual letter, my first one I think, but you're reading it in front of Paul. Someone we've both admired for so many years. The universe is crazy. Thank you, bro, for creating these moments. Ty, let me start by saying thank you. Thank you for being the person who brightens up every room when you don't feel like your bright self. Thank you for your humour, your kindness, and for cracking us up at all the moments that make no sense.

18:15Thank you for being my little brother, big brother, you know, I'm totaling him. But also the person who's taught me more about strength and resilience than any book or quote ever could. Inspire me and so many others every single day in ways you probably don't even realise. I'm so grateful for you, your support, your laughter, your ability to make even the hardest days feel a little lighter, especially on those ice vanilla latte days. those link-ups for me are the truest form of therapy. Most people have no idea how much weight you carry day to day. I just want to remind you to go easy on yourself.

18:51You don't have to hold everything together all the time. It's completely okay to pause, breathe and take a step back. On the days where you question your worth or wonder if you're on the right path, please remember this, you are loved, respected and admired. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are. I love you bro keep dreaming I never stop being you P.S. Blake says my little nephew Blake oh man jeez whoa they just floated from the first line right there mm-mm that was a beautiful beautiful letter so that's from Lewis that's incredible um you know what it's growing up I always said to Lewis in every birthday card that I've ever written I've always said bro you're my idol you're my hero so then when he put you're my hero that's why immediately somebody was chopping onions in here and obviously a couple tears came out right there that is um that's amazing so you start every letter for him you're my hero yeah every birthday card christmas guy i'm like oh bro you're my i always mention in it like you're my idol man you're my hero because he also we we didn't have the easiest start growing up and i feel like he was going for it at a He was at a different age.

20:07He's five years older than me. He was at a different age and he would remember a lot more her and a lot more stuff. Whereas I was a lot younger at the time. So I couldn't process it. Yes. I have a surprise for you. All right. You ready for it? Yeah. What do you want to do? Read this for me.

20:30All right. This is very mysterious. It's not from the woman who doesn't like it. It's not from your friend, is it? It's not from her. Dear Scott, you are so full of shit the air around you is brown. Scott, you're not helping. So am I supposed to read this? Yes, please. Oh my gosh. Hey dad, I just want to write a little shout out to you since it's near Thanksgiving, you know. I was from my kids. I know what you're doing here. I thought I would say that I'm thankful to have you. I love how supportive you are to me and my hobbies, whether that's trying to start some online business,

21:06So I'm not comfortable reading it's out loud, but I appreciate this.

21:16So I appreciate it. I'm just not comfortable reading it out loud. You don't have to read this one the other, but I want you to. Oh, God. I can't handle another one. Come on, brother. This is unfair. This is from my other son. Yeah. Beautiful.

21:34I appreciate that. This is a touch uncomfortable for the wrong reasons, but I very much appreciate it. So I'm going to pivot and I'm going to give you, I got one of these for you. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. This is.

21:50Your turn. Fatherhood is something, isn't it?

21:57Wow. I tell you what, you know, I'm getting chills even opening this. What I think you're going to find as you get older, and there's research around this, that having people love you makes you happy. But the most rewarding thing is you know they know that you love them immensely. There's this great line in, I think it's a Wes Anderson or a Paul Thomas Anderson film, where this bartender who's alone is saying, you know, I've loved to give, I just don't know where to put it. The happiest people, and there's research on this, aren't the ones that are the most loved. They're the ones who have the most people that they can love.

22:34And that's what you'll get as your kids get older, is you realize the gift is if they're receptive to your love and you know they know they're loved. Yes. That's sort of the shooting match. Anyways, your letter. All right. Oh, boy. All right. Dear Dad, you've helped to shape my life in more ways than I've probably ever mentioned. growing up with you has taught me so much, not just about work or the world, but about how to think, how to carry myself, how to treat other people. I admire your profound curiosity, honesty, love for all that you do and the way you always make time for me and Liam and mom, despite the 100 other things that you always have to keep up with.

23:22I love the way you follow your own passions and encourage us to do the same, and I will always be grateful for it. The way you've represented what masculinity is to me, being empathetic, sharing, and showing emotions, being kind and grounded are lessons I'll take for the rest of my life. Thank you for being someone I can look up to and rely on. I'm proud to be your son, and I don't say that nearly enough either. Love, Kingston. Yeah, this is... You know, it's interesting. I was about to say something. I'm going to say it and then I'm going to take it back. Right. I was going to say, this feels so awkward, but it actually feels so right.

24:06One final thought from me is the biggest lesson I've taken from the podcast. Truly holding space for someone without fixing, rescuing or rushing. Holding space can be a very impactful relationship practice. Give it a try and see how it transforms your relationships in 2026. If you want to hear more from any of the guests I've featured, simply search for We Need to Talk on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

24:50Thank you.