What No One Tells You About Becoming A Mother

0:00Kraft Mac and Cheese is better than 90s hip-hop. We'll remind you of your childhood without making you feel incredibly old. Kraft Mac and Cheese. Best thing ever.

0:15Welcome to We're Talking. In this episode, we dive deep into the challenges and triumphs of motherhood with pop star Cher Lloyd, reality star Georgia Kousoulou, and podcaster Mel Robbins. Together, they share their personal journeys of balancing career dreams, self-doubt, and the mental load that comes with being a mother. This week, we're talking motherhood.

0:49how do you think that having children now and you have this wonderful partner how does that now impact the next phase of your career i'm stressed out all I keep thinking is how am I going to do this like honestly if it's just me and you talking yeah how am I going to do this because the mental load already for a mother is just it's through the roof the lists the constant lists the being needed all of the time by two small children but then at the same time i still have to chase my dream i have to because also my children need to see me fulfill my dreams yes that's important two girls watching their mother succeed yes but i would i would argue that the pursuit of your dream is succeeding in your dream yeah yeah you know it's not the destination it's the journey it is and just those two little girls watching their mom on the journey that's the win that's the win that truly is and the fact that if you would have asked me this question a year ago when i had a newborn i would have said i can't do it i can't do any of this anymore i just need to be at home with my children I was mentally not in a good place.

2:28And I don't think I would have ever had an ounce of confidence in myself to ever step back out on a stage. What was it about a year ago that put you in that space? So after I had my youngest daughter, Eliza, I'd heard about postnatal depression before, but I didn't understand what it meant for someone to go through it. Okay. So what I first started experiencing was real loneliness, but also I doubted myself in everything that I was doing. And I had this overwhelming fear that something was going to happen to my baby. And it started affecting my mental health severely. I had the shakes all the time.

3:25I felt sick all the time. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. It was the worst time of my life when it was supposed to be the happiness. I can't believe I made it through that time It was awful I even had situations where I'd be walking down the street with my baby in the pram And I had visions of cars driving into her They came out of nowhere postnatal depression shook me to my core and to be honest it's made me feel like I can't imagine having more children I can't I can't go through that again awful this is something that is not talked about enough no how did you come out the other side It took me a really long time.

4:31I felt like I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't know who I was anymore, to be honest. I really didn't. I completely lost myself. And that's why when you asked me what I was proud of, I say being a mother. because even though that was the hardest time of my life, my children were always safe. I protected them and they always came first, even though my mental health took the biggest blow ever. And I think the only way out of it was one time I needed time. I put too much pressure on myself after I had my baby. the pressure to bounce back, which I think is ridiculous. Women do not need to bounce back after pregnancy.

5:29That should not be a thing. And I hate that that's pushed on to women. What I feel new mothers need to do is to give themselves a break. Take time for you. and I wish someone could have told me that it was going to be all right and that being a mother is hard. It's really hard. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and whether that be picking up the phone and calling your GP. Call your GP. tell them that you need help and they will help you i did it they helped me and now i'm in such a better mental state yeah you know what you just said is profound because we have to remember especially in traumatic experiences we feel like we're alone totally in it we have to understand that we are never alone and help is a call away it is a message away it is expressing to your loved ones i don't feel okay yeah that is the beginning of you saving your life it really is thank you for for sharing that because postnatal depression does not get in enough dialogue but in particular that so many women go through this yeah right and so therefore you are not alone yeah you know

7:23having brody you become a mom yeah how does that change your life completely changed my whole life I was like what is this life to be honest I was like whoa this is a lot I was like this is hard and it just like threw me in I don't think I realised that when you're pregnant you're like oh I'm pregnant I love being pregnant you get so much attention everyone's really nice to you and I was filming for TOWIE when I was pregnant and you know I got to go in later and you know it was just grey and you know everyone was like oh you look lovely and I loved it I had so much confidence as well being pregnant I wore really tight dresses and I was like love the bump I couldn't believe it.

7:58I shocked myself. And then you think you're going to be pregnant forever. I didn't think I realized I actually had got to have a baby. And then Brody turned breech and I was like, oh no, I've got to have a C-section. And then that was petrifying. But I just, I don't think I even knew what to expect. I'm going to be honest. You leave the hospital. Yeah. Come home. Yeah. Right. Wild. What makes it wild? A whole house full of people. First grandchild on both sides. It was like, Jesus has been born. Yes. And I was really happy because I love people, but I was like, well, this is a lot. But I was kind of wanting the people there because I was like, help me, what am I doing?

8:39And I was a bit like, what now? Don't leave me. I was like, mum, do not leave me. Where are you going? She's like, I'm just going to... No, no, no, no. I think she stayed there for two weeks. Do not leave me. I was like, do not leave me. I'm petrified. Do not leave me. She's like, you're fine. I'm like, no, no, no, don't leave me. It was the weirdest thing. I definitely struggled, definitely mentally. Now looking back, I weren't right, really. I weren't right. I really, really struggled because I didn't know what to expect. And I never forget feeling really, really lonely in a house full of people.

9:13And I remember I used to take myself off to the bathroom and cry a lot. And I didn't realise that Tommy realised I kept crying and I would do the night feeds and I would cry and be like, this is scary, this is a really scary place. And I didn't realise I was in this place. But it was a dark place, to be honest, because I was a bit like, I was a bit like, what is this life? What have I done, really? So when you reflect back, do you feel like you were going through postpartum? 100%. Okay. Yeah. So, you know, I was looking at postpartum and here's what I didn't realise about it was how prevalent it is.

9:55So technically postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. Main symptoms include low mood, exhaustion, difficulty bonding with the baby, extreme anxiety or irritability. But here's what I didn't realize was how common. So it affects more than 10 % of women within a year of giving birth. Wow. And it could also affect fathers. Mad. Which I didn't realize. No. So when you think about those behaviors for you or the symptoms, should I say, what were your symptoms? Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney+. Let's go. Get ready for a new case. We're going to crack this case and prove we're the greatest partners of all time.

10:45New friends. You are... Gary the Snake. And your last name? The Snake. Dream Team. New habitats. Zootopia has a secret reptile population. You can watch the record-breaking phenomenon at home. You're clearly working at it. Zootopia 2, now available on Disney Plus Rated PG. I couldn't bond. I didn't know how to bond. and the hardest bit about parenthood for me was everybody said to me which they shouldn't have said to me which I don't blame them but I do when you have this baby you're going to get this overwhelming feeling of love and you're going to bond instantly it's this instant mother's instinct and this connection so when it didn't happen to me I thought oh my god I knew it there's something wrong with me there is something wrong with me I should have stuck with dogs I was so in my head I was like I know I love this thing like this human but also kind of like an alien because I don't actually know you I remember thinking I don't know you but I love you I know I love you and that was certain I knew I loved him but I thought how do I how come so I haven't got this bond and I was thinking maybe it's delayed it's delayed and then everyone said you're gonna know what to do and I kept thinking everyone said there's this mother instinct that kicks in and you know what to do but I didn't know what to do and I thought oh my god don't run with me again what's wrong with me and I was just I was so in my own head that I kept thinking why have I not got this mother's instinct that everyone told me I was going to get yes and when you reflect back Georgia what was the hardest day of that period for you day three and ten you remember I remember it day three and ten yeah I don't know why day three and ten um and it only got better when Tommy said it out loud in front of my mum, his mum and the midwife.

12:34Okay, so he had to say it. He said it. He said, she's not right, by the way. So day three, for example, what was going on for you day three? Just everything. I was like, I didn't even recognise myself in the mirror. I was like, what is this person? I didn't look like me. I had this person on me. I was like, this alien person. I was like, how am I going to keep this person alive? I kept worrying, how am I going to keep him alive? And I was like, I know I've got to feed him a bottle, but I was like how do I know I was like so everything I was picking up how do I know how am I going to do this I was always thinking is he okay is he okay is he okay and then I thought oh my god is this going to last forever this this this tiredness like all like I couldn't see past the the night feeds and the days and they all blurred into one and and it was I had so many so much love around me and everyone was so excited about this beautiful baby and this healthy baby and I thought why am I not as excited as everyone else?

13:29And you didn't tell anyone? No, not one person. I was ashamed because I thought they're judging me and I thought this makes me a bad person because I thought how am I not happy? How can I not be happy about a newborn baby? That's terrible. It wasn't obviously terrible but I couldn't get out of my own head. I thought this is terrible and everyone was like it's the best thing in the world and I was like no, I know it is and he's unbelievable and I love him but why am I not as happy as all of you? Like this is weird. If you could go back and be with you on day three or day 10, what would you have done or told yourself?

14:03And I've hugged myself and said, this is so normal. This is so normal. This is so normal. This is you. And you're fine. And this is just your emotions. You've got hormones raging through your body. This is totally normal. And you've been cut open multiple layers. You had a C-section. You are fine. You're doing amazing. You are fine. It's going to get better. It's going to get easier to give yourself a break. I'd have gave myself a cup of tea and gone, you're fine. Okay. Yeah. Is that what happened after Tommy saw what was going on with you and then told people out loud? Oh my God, instant change.

14:40He, I'll never forget, it was in the kitchen. I was on the sofa, had the baby in my arms. I had the midwife. The midwife, her name was Pat. She was unbelievable. And I had her a lot. And I'd hurt my mum and Bev all the time. They were there. And Tommy said to everybody, they were like, how are you? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, good, thanks. Yeah, yeah. That's just the way I do it. I'm good at it, right? and he said, no, she's not. She is not right. And all of a sudden, everyone looked at me, and I burst into tears, and everyone was so shocked because I think they just thought I was, like, tired and stuff, you know, and I burst into tears, and I was like, it all come out.

15:17I was like, I'm struggling. I don't know what I'm doing. And from that day, my whole experience changed. What do you think would have happened if he had not said that? I don't know. you know scary to think about it because it only would have got worse you know because them night feeds go on three months which was actually really quick for for some babies bro but it's three months is a long time to feel lonely you know and your thoughts go into place you lose yourself i was just so i didn't know what i was doing like just walking to the shop was a lot i think was a lot i'm so thankful to him to this day that he did that and at the time i was fuming by the way I looked to him and I remember thinking, how dare you?

15:56How dare you say that? I was fuming, but then when I cried, I was like, now I'm like, thank God, thank God. Yeah, you were able to race. It's one of these where this is, one is, thank you for sharing that, is I would imagine you think that the more of these conversations that we have, we normalize this. And we realize that because one is we have a significant number of women that are impacted by this, a significant number of men impacted by this. And having that conversation just to be aware that, you know what, this is normal. So normal. Yeah. And do you know what? Looking back now, there weren't a lot of people in the public eye saying that.

16:40There weren't anyone that I could, that admitted they struggled. and I really, really found that hard because I'd look on social media and it'd be like, these girls will be having babies and I'd be like, why have they got their life together? They're really like, and it would make me feel really bad about myself and it weren't their fault. But like, there was no one opening up and I was like, so I used to think it was just me. No one was talking about body image and how it affected them, how they lost themselves, how they didn't even look like themselves, how they didn't bond with their baby. No one was saying that because, and I get it, because everyone felt ashamed.

17:15I wasn't even saying it really. So I couldn't expect other people to. So I think it's so important because how many other women are sitting there thinking that, you know? Yes. You know, and it's like if I would have had that person to go, oh yeah, I'm not alone, you know? And I know that I definitely will help people like talking about it because it was a lonely time. Yes. But it's so normal. And it's so normal. And look, you know, look what's happened as a result is that you have now or as a result of Tommy you know outing you yeah is is that you were able to emotionally get it out of you yeah but then you said things got better oh my god unbelievable so did you feel like literally it was once you didn't feel the pressure of the shame yeah that's when it started to go away I was like instantly like wow this is normal okay cool if I want to cry today I'm gonna cry if I don't want to get my pajamas I'm not gonna it was all normal and I was filming my show as well so i was trying to juggle wait hang on a minute because i was so our show is very very raw like it is so fly on the wall it is so fly on the wall and i remember filming the whole series of my pajamas basically and i was like i'm not changing because so this this is not tyler this is the uh this is the solo show baby steps yeah multiple series of baby steps by away six series yeah congrats on that thank you that's not bad that's not bad yeah um so you're filming the show yeah while this is happening yeah you're probably hiding it from production yeah hiding it obviously from the audience yeah do you ever showcase it yeah showcased everything okay because what happened was tommy's out in me was we just started properly filming so So everything was, I was literally filmed the whole series looking back in my vaginas.

19:02Look at that. Basically, like, no one, everyone does it now, but back then, like, no one did that. Like, no one was on camera like that. Like, I mean, I even got my belly out. I think I was in a path of the days, sleep deprived, and just went with it, which was actually great now. But it was so raw. That footage of that series was so raw. I, like, look, like, if you look at my eyes, I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. I couldn't even tell you the day of the week it was, you know, like I was in it. Yes. I'm glad, actually. Why? Because I'm glad I didn't hide it because it's the first time in my life that I never hid how I felt, actually.

19:36Look at that. So you stopped deflecting. Yeah. That's why the show was good, I think. Because you were your true, authentic self. Because I couldn't hide it because I didn't know how to. That was the first time I didn't know how to because I was like, whoa, I'm weltering now. I'm like in the deep end and I don't like swimming. I'm like in the sea around me and I was like, oh, see. it was baby I couldn't deflect there was no hiding it do you know yes yes

20:11I have a surprise for you okay I've been waiting okay to hand the surprise for you I cannot wait what do you got you ready for this yeah hi mom oh hi sorry this is Sawyer here I'm Mel's oldest daughter. I have so many things to say, but I think that you guys have done such an amazing job at really showing your love for each other. Always kissing in the kitchen and telling each other how much you love each other. And I think that you guys also do a phenomenal job at communication and communication doesn't always translate when you're pissed off or you're drunk or you're annoyed but I think that you guys always come back together and have such good talks and I think it's really cool to see you guys implementing what you guys are learning in therapy and really growing from it.

21:18I think as me, Kendall and Oakley are in our 20s trying to seek out the love of our lives, I will say that it has made it very difficult because we are always comparing everyone else out there to the two of you. I just feel very, very very grateful to have been shown that example growing up so thank you so much love you all have

21:48Mel Robbins:an amazing interview goodbye that's freaking fantastic i loved this message this was beautiful in particular what i loved is you can see the gratitude that she has i mean you think about how special that is for her to say i just love being around you yeah i love being around here's the other thing that's important to recognize, and I'm not proud to share this. There were periods of our lives that she remembers where she would miss the bus and she'd have to wake me up in bed because I was so depressed I was not getting out of bed. You know you're failing a parenting when you're having to have your kids wake you up.

22:29Mel Robbins:There are mornings where they would come downstairs and both Chris and I were passed out in the living room because we had drunk too much and have been fighting. And so they have been there for the good and the bad. And she also mentioned that, you know, we talked to a marriage therapist and I think therapy gets a really bad rap. And I hate the word mental health because people immediately think something's wrong. Mental health is happiness. Mental health is managing stress. Mental health is having the clarity and the confidence to be able to communicate effectively. Mental health is your resilience in life.

23:04Mel Robbins:Mental health is the way you talk to yourself. Don't you want that? Of course you do. And so one of the things that have really helped us is we do talk to a marriage therapist, not because anything's wrong, but because I don't want anything to be wrong. And there is a million ways for small things to build up. And it just creates this moment for us to go. He literally opens our session, but he goes, so what do you guys want to talk about today? And I'm like, I don't know. What do you want to talk about? And then lo and behold, there's always something. Right. There is. You know, when you talked about quiet quitting a little while ago, that's this ambivalence in essence in the marriage.

23:4060-70 % of people who go to therapy, it's because of this ambivalence. It's not because there's a severe issue that they're fighting. So you're right. Just to go is helpful. Motherhood.

23:51Mel Robbins:Yes. Because motherhood right now, it looks good on you. Well, I'm a really good mom for adult kids. For adult kids. Well, I think it's important to give yourself some grace. Like there are periods where you're not going to like it. I like other people's babies. I didn't particularly like having. Well, actually, that's not true. I kind of liked having babies. I did not like toddlers. I did not like elementary school phase. Middle school, I started liking and feeling like I could connect with my kids more. High school, definitely interesting. College, now we're talking. Yes. Adult. Now motherhood gets interesting.

24:30Mel Robbins:And so I think it's important to understand that you don't have to be the best for every phase. Giving yourself grace is really important. And the other thing that I think is very important, especially for the women watching and listening, is every mom or dad wants their kids to pursue their dreams. Who the hell is going to show them how to do it? Your kids are watching. And for women who hold themselves back and feel guilty because they travel or they have to work too much or this and that, I'm here to tell you that if you have something in your heart that you want to pursue, you are both robbing yourself and more importantly, your kids of that opportunity.

25:19Mel Robbins:the example that I have given and that my husband has given that you can work together but the example that I have given as a woman that you can go out and create something at any age you can jump into something like podcasting and tech as a 50 year old woman and actually build something incredible or heck just build something that you're excited about that's yours it shows your kids that it's possible. It shows your daughters how to do it, and it shows your sons how to support their partner in doing it. Yes, yes. And if you want to hear the full unfiltered stories from today's guest, you can check them out on the We Need to Talk page.

26:01Drop a like, leave a comment, and hit subscribe. See you next week.

26:19Mel Robbins:Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you, and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic.