In short
“Best Mom Lies Ever,” a parenting podcast episode compiling examples of “lies” mothers tell kids to manage behavior, reduce tantrums, and navigate childhood magical thinking.
Guests
Margaret Ables and Amy Wilson (hosts). No additional guests are interviewed in the transcript.
Guest backgrounds
Margaret Ables and Amy Wilson are the co-hosts of What Fresh Hell? Laughing in the Face of Motherhood, sharing parenting dilemmas and listener-submitted stories.
Key claims
Kids naturally believe in magical explanations; lying can be age-appropriate and useful. Parents should “break news gently” and use boundaries/authority figures (“the lady”) rather than direct confrontation.
Notable examples
“Mrs. Jewell” discipline via names on the board but punishment is sending kids home early on the kindergarten bus; “ham comes from pigs” becomes “the pig drives the ham”; Bambi didn’t run away—she was given away; “ice cream truck is out”/only on certain days; “Chuck E. Cheese is closed on Fridays” or only for invited birthdays; “Play-Doh only outside”; “phone is tired/out of batteries”; “Broccoli Factory” threat; “grandpa’s beach” mislabeling.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOParenting Lies Discussion
0:01 to 0:21
The hosts discuss the lies mothers tell their children and their impact.
“That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's Name Your Price tool for years now.”
Parenting Lies Discussion
0:50 to 1:14
The hosts discuss the lies mothers tell their children and their impact.
“A podcast that solves today's parenting dilemmas.”
Mailbag Insights
1:14 to 2:21
Insights from listener Maggie about childhood discipline and perceptions.
“Maggie on Instagram wrote in to say, in the podcast about super awesome mom hacks, Amy mentions how Mrs.”
Fear and Detention
2:21 to 3:17
The hosts reflect on what children fear most and compare it to adult perspectives.
“And the truth is so much better than what I said on the show.”
Lies About Food
3:17 to 5:20
Discussion about misconceptions children have regarding food and animals.
“And chicken the animal and chicken the food are one and the same.”
The Magic of Childhood
5:20 to 6:38
Exploration of childhood magical thinking and its significance.
“who can't handle the truth, if you see what I'm saying.”
Personal Anecdotes about Lies
6:38 to 7:54
Sharing personal stories about lies told by their parents and their impacts.
“There's a sort of theory, which is only a theory is that has not all been proven and people disagree with it, that a biological theory called ontology recapitulates phylogeny?”
Bambi's Story
7:54 to 12:36
A humorous recount of the story about Bambi and the implications of parental lies.
“And sometimes it's useful to use it to, you know, get yourself out of trouble or keep your kids in line.”
The Importance of Gradual Truths
12:36 to 14:47
Discussion on how to convey difficult truths to children gently.
“It didn't even occur to me that that wasn't really what happened until years and years later.”
The Lies We Tell Our Kids
16:47 to 20:46
Discussion about funny lies parents tell their children.
“We went to our Facebook group, as we do, and said, what are some of the lies that you have told your kids or that your parents have told you?”
Show all 17 chapters
Ice Cream Truck Myths
20:46 to 24:29
Exploration of common myths surrounding ice cream trucks.
“So on hot days with my seventh grader, I say, you can't have ice cream except for on Tuesdays.”
Childhood Realizations
24:29 to 28:00
Discussing children's realizations about scarcity and expectations.
“There's a theme there of sort of forced scarcity, which I'm also all in favor of, right?”
The Struggles of Chuck E. Cheese
28:00 to 30:00
Discussion on the challenges of visiting Chuck E. Cheese with kids and the chaos it brings.
“Did you know that they apparently, I haven't been at Chuck E.”
Adjusting Expectations with Kids
30:34 to 36:33
A humorous take on parenting expectations when raising multiple children.
“built from last quarter's data and the competitive landscape.”
Creative Parenting Lies
36:33 to 42:00
Exploration of the imaginative lies parents tell their children to manage expectations.
“My phone is only has batteries when I'm using it, but it runs out of batteries for kids.”
The Magic of Parenting Lies
42:00 to 45:34
Explore the humorous lies parents tell their kids to ease parenting challenges.
“But unless you have Apple Pay, it can't be yours.”
Join Our Community
45:34 to 45:45
Learn about the Facebook group for parents to share advice and support.
“Thank you for being the liars that you are.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's Name Your Price tool for years now. With the Name Your Price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit Progressive.com. Find a rate that works for you with the Name Your Price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. The Roomba is like my favorite person in the house.
0:36What fresh hell. Laughing in the face of motherhood. Can I tell you what I was told happened to Bambi? With Margaret Ables and Amy Wilson. I never want my kids to find out about Play-Doh. A podcast that solves today's parenting dilemmas. So you don't have to. And glitter allergy. That's genius.
1:02Hello, everyone, and welcome to this episode of What Fresh Hell? Laughing in the Face of Motherhood. This is Margaret. And this is Amy. And today we're talking about the lies our mothers told us, and I suppose that we told our own kids. The lies. We're liars. We're lying liars that lie. Can we start with mailbag? Mailbag. Maggie on Instagram wrote in to say, in the podcast about super awesome mom hacks, Amy mentions how Mrs. Jewel in Sideway Stories from Wayside School, this is a kid's book, would write the kids' names on the board under the word discipline whenever they got in trouble, but that nothing would happen.
1:37It was just the act of writing the names down that kept everyone in line. I did say that. Maggie says, actually, if the kids got in trouble three times, the kids would be sent home early at noon on the kindergarten bus as their punishment. The worst thing that could ever happen to a second grader was to be sent home in the kindergarten bus. That is really shocking. Oh, but there's more. Please. The best part is Maggie says, I remember this because one time Mrs. Jewell had a bad day and she wrote her own name down three times and then she had to send herself home early on the noon bus. Something I sometimes wish I could do myself.
2:10I am Mrs. Jewell in my own soul. I really am. I'm having one of those days today. If I could send myself home on the noon bus, Amy, you know I would do it. Yes. Yes. So thanks for that, Maggie, because you're exactly right. And the truth is so much better than what I said on the show. It's funny because I have middle schoolers now. And I remember being this middle schooler, the thing they fear most on earth, I mean, they fear it like they fear the clown who lives in the sewer, Amy. They fear detention, getting detention. And I just as an adult, I kind of laugh and I'm like, I would love to get sent home from my day.
2:44And it just is funny to me. Like, why are they so frightened of it? I guess it's the shame factor associated with it. But right. I think it really does tie into what we're talking about. So we're working to some degree off the inspiration of a tweet from at Henpeck Hal, huge Twitter account. Simple facts. I'm terrified of my toddler discovering colon. Public parks don't randomly close. TVs don't run out of batteries. There is no actual world record for fastest at putting away the toys. And chicken the animal and chicken the food are one and the same. I have a really good story about that last one.
3:25I have a friend whose daughter was three and she said, wait, ham comes from pigs? And they were like, yeah. And she said, oh, I get it. the pig drives the ham to the store. I have a similar hilarious story about this. It's a more grown-up version of this. My brother, like all of our family, loves food and loves eating food and finds food delicious. And he had a friend, I want to say in like the seventh grade, it was a family friend and they came over and the family friend had just become a vegetarian. I believe he's a vegetarian to this day and has devoted his life to animal causes, It's a great animal lover.
4:05And my brother said, what's a vegetarian? And he said, well, I don't eat any meat. And he said, well, like the most appalling idea on earth had been introduced to his life. He said, why? And the kid gave him this like long and thoughtful lecture about like, do you know that they kill animals to make our food and factory farming? But whatever he said, you know, this long, like horrible description of how our meat is produced to which my brother famously responded. He took a long pause and he said, I guess sometimes we just have to do things we're uncomfortable with. Meaning he was going to continue eating meat.
4:41He was like, you make some good points and yet I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I think the story about, you know, the pig driving the ham to the store sort of underscores something about this because there are those who would say that we shouldn't lie to our children. We all lie to our children, but I guess we're all bad people for doing that, which I usually disagree with. But I would point at it's not never a bad idea. It's not always a good idea. But the kid, the three-year-old who presented with the truth that ham comes from pigs and decides to like cognitive dissonance it like she's in NXIVM to say, oh, I get it, right?
5:16The pig drives the ham to the store. That's evidence of a three-year-old who can't handle the truth, if you see what I'm saying. I mean, I do not have any qualms about this. Although on the thread where we asked for responses to this, people were like, I never lie to my children. It is not something I do. I mean, I'm okay with it, but I also think that there are ages and stages and that kids very naturally have a tremendous amount of magical thinking. Yes. My example of this is that my father's father, they lived where they could see what was then called the Tappan Sea Bridge. It's a bridge over the Hudson River.
5:52And his father knew that they turned the lights on at the bridge at, let's say, 6 p.m. every night. And so there was a switch on the wall of their house that didn't work. So he would walk over to it at six o 'clock at night and say, it's time to turn on my bridge's lights. And he would flick it and then the lights of the bridge would come on. And his kids believed he owned the Tappan Zee Bridge until they were like in eighth grade, at which point my father went to school and with great, you know, authority was like, oh, we let you drive on that bridge, but we own it, you know, about the Tappan Sea bridge.
6:24And like, he did not understand that. And I think his father was just doing it as a joke, you know, and he didn't do it every night, like he didn't even do it every night. But it's magical. There's magic to being a child. And I'm pro lean in. There's a totally nerd out on you. There's a sort of theory, which is only a theory is that has not all been proven and people disagree with it, that a biological theory called ontology recapitulates phylogeny? Oh, I mean, I think about that all the time, Amy, but explain it to me anyway. I totally understand it already, but go ahead. I think about it all the time because it's one of these, like some scientists say it's not, I don't really care.
7:00I just think it's a fascinating idea, which is the evolution of a single member of a species mirrors the evolution of the species as a whole, which means if you go by this theory, like an 18 month old that throws things and has tantrums and, you know, me want this. Right. It's like a caveman. And a four-year-old who thinks that the pig drives the ham to the store is equivalent to like, you know, Middle Ages. An ancient Greek. That's Plato's cave, right? Okay. Ancient Greek. Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna say Middle Ages. Maybe even a seven, eight-year-old is like Middle Ages. Like vampires could be real.
7:34I'm not sure. I'm gonna wear the garlic around my neck. Sure. Right. And that's when you reach adulthood that you're these, you know, jaded TikTok watching, you know, 18 year olds, but the kids are developmentally at that age where anything could be real and magic is possible. And there are giants in the sky and all that kind of thing. Yeah. And I think it's fun and magical to use that. And sometimes it's useful to use it to, you know, get yourself out of trouble or keep your kids in line. But I guess other people think it's wrong to take advantage of that. I mean, I think it's also just so natural.
8:08Like we recently had this with one of my kids who was mad at us because my dad lives near a beach, which we call Grandpa's Beach. But it's a large beach that is not owned by him. He lets everybody use. Got it. Yeah. He lets them use. He lets everyone use it. Much like the bridge of his youth, this is now his beach that he lets people use. And I don't know, fifth, sixth grade, maybe, he came over and he was so mad at me. And he said, Mom, this is not Grandpa's Beach. And I said, Well, I know it's not. He doesn't own it. But this is the beach near his house that we come to. And he's like, I told that kid over there that it was my Grandpa's Beach.
8:45And now I'm really embarrassed. And he was mad at us. And now he's like, we can't call it Grandpa's Beach anymore, because he's mad at us. But we were not even trying to be like, here's the magic. Your grandpa owns this beach. Like, kids misunderstand. This is like in the old days, right? I feel like, is this the same thing as old wives tales that people used to say, you know, if you cross your eyes and then you get slapped on the back, they would freeze that way forever. Did you ever hear that when you were a kid? No, I guess you did. Oh, that was like a big thing. My mom told us that like a billion times that if you crossed your eyes and then you got slapped on the back, your eyes would always stay that way.
9:24Are those two things that, yeah, I don't think I cross my eyes often as a youth or got slapped on the back often as a youth. I don't know, but it worked. I was terrified to cross my eyes because I was like, what if someone then slapped me on the back and I was frozen that way forever? And what's the point of that? You think people were like, I don't want them to cross their eyes all the time because what if they stay that way? Yeah, it would creep my mom out that we would cross our eyes. It's kind of step on a crack, break your mother's back. I just say to my kids, like, that's super gross. Stop doing it.
9:51Don't step on a crack. I mean, there's a million of those kind of things. And kids make them up too. That's got to be middle ages. I mean, kids invent all those things too. So there's got to be some imperative for this. All right. Let me give you a big lie that my mother told me. And this is sort of a classic example. We had a dog for a very, very short time when I was young. Her name was Bambi. Can I guess what happened to Bambi? Well, can I tell you what I was told happened to Bambi? Well, that's what I was going to guess. Go ahead. She ran away one day and didn't come back. Oh, I thought she moved to a farm upstate to live with the happy dogs.
10:24No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't that cliched. Bambi was a very high maintenance dog. We didn't have a fenced-in yard. And so I remember my parents used to, I mean, this was the 70s. Now somebody would call Peeta on them, but they had like a, you know, a chain thing in the ground, a chain in the ground. She had a very long chain and it had to be like, you know, 25 feet long and she could kind of go around in the backyard and do her thing. But she was, you know, chained to this pole in our backyard And she would consistently dig it up and run around the neighborhood. And we'd have to go looking for and like, listen for the sound of her chain, you know, jangling down Delaware Street to be able to find her.
10:58Anyway, one day, apparently she ran away and never came back. And it was, I accepted that hook, line and sinker for 10 years. After 10 years, I was like, wait, was that true? And it took me, I swear to God, like 25 more years. To face the reality? Not even face the reality to ask my parents. And even then I was like, I'm talking full grown up. I'm talking parent myself. Like, did Bambi run away? And they were like, what? Can I talk to you guys about something? I'm like, I don't want to know, but I need to know. Did Bambi run away? And they were like, no, she didn't. They gave her away. Okay. They didn't murder her.
11:34Right. They didn't drown her in the creek. No, no, no. I had a new baby brother coming and my parents were like, get rid of this dog. I mean, the Wilson parents were tough. I thought maybe they drowned her in the creek. No. God bless them. No, they just gave her away. Well, we had a little kid over at some point and she saw a cat and she was like, we also had a cat, but our cat fell in love with another cat in a different neighborhood and got married to that cat. That tracks. I was like, oh, okay. Sure. That tracks, kid. I like light my cigarette. I'm like, listen, kid, cats don't get married.
12:05That's not what happened to your cat. I mean, yeah, my parents didn't want to deal with, I guess, saying to us, like, this dog is a nightmare and we're about to have a third child and this just doesn't, you know, square with our way of doing things around here. My dad was working all the time at that point. Amy, I'm fine with it. And I'm fine with lying to your kids. I mean, I don't know. Maybe we need to have a fresh take where it's like, should we tell the truth to our kids? I mean, sometimes. I feel like you were more ready to know in college when you woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and were like, Bambi definitely didn't run away.
12:35Then you were ready to know when you were six. It didn't even occur to me that that wasn't really what happened until years and years later. You're right. When I was ready to know the truth. There's an old joke that we tell all the time in our family that I'm going to tell you the super brief version. A guy calls home. How is the cat? And the mom says, oh, the cat died. and the kid is like, I mean, a grown kid, but what are you talking about? Why would you just break it to me that you have to break news more slowly? You should have to be like, oh, the cat's wandering around. Oh, the cat got off on the roof.
13:06She's so funny. Oh, the cat fell. And then tell me it died. And she's like, okay, I'm sorry. I'll do that. And anyway, then the punchline of the joke is that the guy calls home a month later and he's like, oh, how's dad doing? And she's like, dad's good. He's walking around. He got out on the roof. And so, whatever we ask after someone who's died in our family, someone's like, they're on the roof, you know? It means like they're not doing well. But I do think like the truth is you got to break information gently. Yes. I'm fine with telling people the cat got married to a cat a couple of times away if they're little people.
13:40Yeah. And to be clear, right, this is easier for a kid in certain situations. And there are, of course, many, many more examples where this is just much, much easier for us, which I'm also 100 % in favor of telling lies to your kids that make your life easier as a parent. Let's talk about some of those when we come back. Fall is the perfect time for a back to one, new routines, and maybe a little more attention to the things you may have put off over the summer. If your hair could use an autumn reset, it's time for NutraFall. NutraFall is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand and the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists.
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16:48Let's start. We went to our Facebook group, as we do, and said, what are some of the lies that you have told your kids or that your parents have told you? I want to start with Kathy Radigan, who does My Dishwashers Possessed. You should follow her. She's hilariously funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Friend of mine, yeah. There really isn't a mom union that will kick you out if your kid doesn't wear a hat in the winter. This is your theory. My mother was never nuts about this. The hat in the winter. I mean, I want a coat. I don't care about a hat so much. But a mom, you're going to kick you out. I don't even care about a coat.
17:22I'm like, be cold. It's not my problem. But you're big on the mysterious authority figure. Oh, yeah. The lady. The lady. Yeah. This is the lady. It wasn't so much a union that would throw me out, but that the lady said that all the kids have to sit in their seats nicely for the entire flight. No, you can't get down from your seat and walk around in the aisle on the plane. The lady. The lady won't like that. Doesn't want you to do that. Of course, in a plane, that's useful because there is somebody like in a uniform who, you know, ostensibly is the lady. Sometimes it's a guy. Usually it's a lady.
17:51The lady said you can't do that. This is so effective for me. The faceless. The lady says you have to be, you know, eight years old to ride the Haunted Mansion at Disney World. The lady. Yeah, there's just a lady. It's like the man. I come for me. It's the lady. Yeah. Yeah. It makes it easier. You're like, you'll fight with me, but you won't fight with the lady. She's not scary. She has boundaries. The lady. Like she just, you know, she's just firm. Yeah, she's firm. How about Hannah? The vacuum cleaner will not really suck away your toys if you leave them out. I believe the vacuum cleaner will do that, frankly.
18:22Or break the vacuum cleaner, but it could happen. We have a Roomba. Let me tell you guys, I asked for one for Christmas a couple of years ago. It's a game changer. I finally just got one. They're amazing. Not a sponsor, guys, but they should be. No, not a sponsor. And I do hear that if you have a pet that poops, it can really result in some major problems. So just get a new Roomba. No, it's that the Roomba spreads it all over your house before you realize it's a problem. It's not the Roomba. Like the Roomba is definitely dead, but that's the least of your problems. It's your eight rugs that the Roomba has visited.
18:56I see. So is your rug. Yeah. So that you don't, you got to be careful. I don't have a pet who poops in the house. So at least I wish you guys could see Amy's face. She's like actually having a panic attack. You've got to consider it. I had not considered this until now. My kids know that the Roomba is like my favorite person in the house because it cleans without being asked. And so the kids always say, they're like, if we break mom's Roomba, we have to move away. Happy to do it. They know not to break the Roomba. Candace says, she tells her kids YouTube didn't pay their internet bill. And that's why there's no more YouTube app on her phone.
19:30Oh, YouTube. You should really pay your internet bill, YouTube. That is such a good one. It's amazing that didn't make the news that YouTube didn't pay their internet bill. Didn't pay the lady at the internet. I feel like I would have read about that in business wire. That is, I mean, oh, to go back to the days, right? We're like out of sight, out of mind. Oh, that app isn't here on my phone anymore. It must not exist. That's a, I mean, I am so heartily behind that, Candace. I'm sure that there were, I'm sure you were driven to this tale by. As you would be. Really annoying kids asking to watch YouTube and your phone all the time.
20:03Do what you need to do. I will hit our number one answer, you know, on Family Feud, number one answer on the board. Yes. Can you guess what our number one answer on the board was? Ice cream truck. Ice cream truck was the number one answer on the board. That's the song the ice cream man plays when he's out of ice cream. That's the ice cream man. That's just a song he plays. There were a lot of ice cream truck based lies. We have an ice cream truck that comes. And again, here's the thing, friends. I tell my seventh grader, we can get ice cream once a week after school. We have an ice cream truck that pulls up to the school parking lot at the end of school.
20:38I don't know how much longer it's going to last because like the Facebook moms are real mad about it and they may kick him out. Every day. Yeah, that stinks. Every single day he pulls up. So on hot days with my seventh grader, I say, you can't have ice cream except for on Tuesdays. But with the three-year-old, I have no problem being like, oh, I just talked to the ice cream man. And he says at the end of that line, there's no more ice cream going to be left. So I guess we'll just go home and have some fruit. Oh, well. I just talked to him. I have an app on my phone. Yeah, no, no. We're friends, me and the ice cream man.
21:10Meredith says she tells her kids the ice cream truck is actually run by the city to scare the raccoons out of the park so they don't bite kids. I mean, Meredith. Meredith, you're taking it all the way to the wall. That's plus. That's turned up. That's turned up for what? I mean, I think that to maintain the illusion that the ice cream truck does not have ice cream, that seems like a lot of work to me. But I'm a big fan of like, oh, I talked to him. You know, he said he's only got like four ice creams left. And look, there's 12 kids in that line. That's not going to work out. Some of that stuff in the ice cream truck, you know, like the SpongeBob thing with the black gumball eyes and your kid's teeth turn black.
21:48And it has like eight kinds of food coloring in it. It's like the actual worst food stuff known to humankind. And literally, rather than purchasing that item, may I suggest just dumping an entire thing of caro syrup over a child. Like you will never de-stickify that child. A SpongeBob Popsicle is the same as just coating a child in sweet Elmer's glue. I have at certain times told my kids, not even a lie, just up front, like you can get this one or this one or this one, not the Spider-Man, not the SpongeBob. That's a good one. You're like, I refuse. I can't do it. Well, there's a new thing on YouTube where, I mean, I don't know if you look at this, Amy, a lot in your life, the Popsicle Reveal channel.
22:31Popsicle Reveal? No. My kids are way into it. I mean, they clearly need to get out more because they're really into Popsicle Reveals. Last week, you told us they're like a slicing bread YouTube channel. They're almost out of YouTube. Yeah, they're into very satisfying videos. And then, I mean, I'm going to tell you, like, at least 60 % of the moms listening are nodding like, oh, yeah, the Popsicle Reveal channels. Yeah, yeah. Where it's just people show you the picture on the outside of the Popsicle wrapper, and then they reveal how busted the Popsicle looks. That's the whole channel, but my kids can watch it for like seven hours straight.
23:06Oh, like the disappointment of like, yeah, you have a Popsicle. Then it's just all like pieces inside. Yeah. So now my kids like to get only SpongeBob Popsicles so that they can do their own Popsicle reveal. It's a thing, Amy. me. My life is hell. Anyway, moving on. I have a second answer on the board and the third answer on the board. Second answer on the board, animals that go to the farm and fishes that take naps. Right. Yeah. The fish is not napping. Yep. And he doesn't like to nap in the toilet bowl while you flush it. I definitely told my kids that Swimmy went back to see his friends, you know, while they're out at the park.
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23:41Yeah, sure. He swam back to them through the toilet. The toilet went right to the Hudson River, which we could see from our apartment at the time and swimming was out there. Oh, and there went swimming. I'm so glad for him. Yeah. Yeah. There's no cat marriages going on. There's no farm upstate and there's no napping fish. Number three answer on the board, spicy. Coffee is spicy. Alcohol is spicy. The good cookies are spicy. Lucky charms are a grownup cereal. Y 'all are monsters. You're like, I'm not sharing these lucky charms. I like that anyone bought the lucky charms for themselves. Michelle says, Actually, she told her kids that.
24:16Then they went to public school that served free breakfast and my cover was blown. It was a good few years. But you're right, Michelle. So you had Lucky Charms at home and you wouldn't let your kids eat them because they're only for you? I mean, hats off to you, Michelle. You are my kind of dame. I like your style. There's a theme there of sort of forced scarcity, which I'm also all in favor of, right? Like the ice cream truck is out. The Lucky Charms are just for grownups. of you have in your town, do the like the pediatrician and the pediatric dentist, are they sort of wonderlands of toys and whimsy and trains and stuff?
24:51Yes. That's become a thing, right? And even since I've become a parent, like they've turned it up. And now when you go to our kids, pediatric dentists, there's a PlayStation and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, my friend brought her four-year-old over to our house. We had sort of a couple families over for a Sunday night dinner and they were having trouble getting the four-year-old to leave. He was having a little bit of a tantrum. And she said, like, it's been a tough night for him. He's just had the realization that there are PlayStations at places besides Dr. Rob's office that she had for the first four years.
25:19Like, yeah, we can never have this at home. There's only one. It's one of a kind. Yeah, you have to go to the dentist to get this. Yeah. She's like, now I have to, now I'm going to have to explain. I like this one. And it reminds me of many conversations that I've had. If you don't get dressed, you can't go to grandma and pop's house. One way or the other, the fact is I'm dropping them off butt naked or not. this is also highly correlated to I'm leaving without you, which like I have, I mean, the most famous story in my family is that my mother was once driving a carpool. We had a nine passenger wagon and the wagon had at the time, I believe eight children in it.
25:59It was packed to the rafters and she supposedly ran a stop sign and a young police officer pulled her over and was very aggressive and just screaming at her. And she was saying, you know, there was things overgrowing the stop sign. She hadn't seen it. And he was giving her a really hard time. And at some point in their altercation, he said, you know, I'm within my rights to confiscate this car, to which my mom responded, that is the best idea I've heard all day and stepped out of the car and slammed the door and started walking down the highway, leaving this officer, this young, like 23 year old police officer with a car full of eight of us who just were all screaming at the same time.
26:35And then he called. He was like, ma 'am, ma 'am, ma 'am, ma 'am, what are you doing? And we came home and we were like, dad, mom tried to leave us with the police. But I think that this idea of like, I'm leaving, I'm out of here. I can't take it anymore. We're not actually going to leave our kids places, but we're sorely attempted to do it. Yeah. The flip side of this is a friend of mine had a family who was visiting them. And I would say the kids were incredibly nightmarish, like breaking everything in the house, just like wild. She has four kids herself. There was like three kids there. And the mom said, if you can't find your shoes, I'm going to leave you here to her own kids.
27:11To which my friend was like, everyone look for the shoes. We have to get them out of here. We've all been there. It's like, we'll find your shoes or I will drop you off 100 % naked at your grandparents' house and I will have no shame about it. Another form of scarcity is, so we've sort of covered the like not open right now and that the invitation to have ice cream is actually its own opposite, that there is no more ice cream. I'm sorry, bad news. There's also the scarcity of like special invite is required. Jen says she tells her kids you can only go to Chuck E. Cheese if you are invited to a birthday party.
27:45Can't just go for no reason. As usual on any of our Facebook threads where we go out to the crowd to say, what do you got? Chuck E. Cheese takes a lot of hits. People just take a baseball bat to Chuck E. Cheese. They've got, everyone's got a problem with Chuck E. Cheese and they're not wrong. Did you know that they apparently, I haven't been at Chuck E. Cheese in a while now, guys, there are benefits to kids getting older. I have a friend with two little ones. She put on Facebook a picture of herself. She's like, this is what hell looks like. And she's walking into Chuck E. Cheese, like all sweaty with her two young children because apparently they take pictures of you on the way in and on the way out now so that you don't like leave with somebody else's kids.
28:25But I'm like, she said, it's a beautiful memento of a precious time in my life. And it's just the worst picture. Oh, God. We went to a water park yesterday with my family. And let me tell you, when that lady came over, I'm like bedraggled and wet. And the lady's like, do you want a picture? I was like, that's a no, lady. How big of a no can I possibly give you? I don't want a picture. I will say, controversially, I'm slightly team Chuck E. Cheese. When I had three kids under four, my husband's office in Los Angeles was near a Chuck E. Cheese. And about four o 'clock on Friday when I was dead, I would just put the kids in the car and I would just put my head down at Chuck E.
29:05Cheese and let them run wild. And then my husband would meet us there at six and that was the end of my weekend could begin. I was kind of team Chuck E. Cheese. Like y 'all can wild out with the rat and I'm going to just lay down here. It's like a casino floor in there, you know, the lights and the sound and stuff. But if you can withstand it. I mean, it's horrible, but my whole life was so horrible that at least the kids were busy and my life was horrible. I was team Chuck E. Cheese. I even ate the pizza. Rachel says just a couple of weeks ago, she told her nephew that Chuck E. Cheese was closed on Fridays.
29:35Presumably she told him that on a Friday. Yeah. I mean, I'm big on the pools closed. And I mean, this is the thing. this is a magical window you have until my kids are nine, 10, 12. I don't lie to them about anything. You know, I don't know. I think you only have until like six or seven for this, right? That's what I think. I think from the far side of this, use this to your full advantage. Let's take a break. When we come back, let's get some really good ones, some really useful ones here. We'll be right back. Hey, Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know, back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear?
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31:08Your second child is here, and it might be time to adjust your expectations. First child. We shall eat only organic foods which I will lovingly hand blend. Second child. Is a six-month-old too little to gnaw on a McDonald's french fry? First child. Screens. Are you insane? Don't you know Steve Jobs didn't let his own children have iPads until they were six? Second child. Okay, let me prop you up in the bumbo to watch Door of the Explorer, and then maybe I can grab my first shower of the week. First child. Oh, no. I could never leave my precious child. Second child. Honey, if you don't book me a sitter and get me out of here this week, I am going to lose my mind.
32:02First child We will maintain a rigorous nap schedule from which I shall never veer Second child The baby's asleep, everyone lie down Now, this could be our only chance Move people, move This has been your guide to adjusting your expectations after a second child from the What Fresh Hell podcast
32:32All right, here's one I like, Amy. Meg, awesome name, says, when the sale says two for$10, that means you're only allowed to buy two. Like cereal, like Lucky Charms we're talking about? Or like, you know what it is? It's like when you get to the front of the counter and you're exhausted and you've been shopping with kids and then it's like two for$10, you can have these like Pokemon figures that shoot, you know, candy. Like those are the kind of things that they get you at the aisle with those flash sales. It is true. It's a horrible aisle. Why did they invent that aisle? Eileen told her kids that the Kraft mac and cheese factory had a fire and weren't going to be able to make any more macaroni and cheese.
33:12Oh, that is really sad to hear. I hope no one was injured in the Kraft mac and cheese fire. You heard it here first on the What Fresh Health podcast. Annie's is next. The moment I love is having talked to you about it. The moment where like the kid is a sophomore in college and wakes up one night and is like, I bet there wasn't really a fire at the Kraft Mac and Cheese Factory. Wait a minute. They turned to their roommate at 3 a.m. It's like, are you awake? I have a quick question. Did you ever hear about a fire at the Kraft Mac and Cheese Factory? Roommate's like, no, no. Maureen says that the pacifier didn't go on a rocket ship to Pluto.
33:49Oh my gosh. Right. That the diapers, my mother, I'm calling out my mother on this one. But like I said, I am fully in favor of all of these lives. She was taking us to Disney World. There were five of us. And I was a freshman in high school and I have sisters who were two and three years old. And my mother had a great ability to sort of muse aloud about something in the presence of her children. I totally use this skill too. Like, oh, like Margaret, I really wish I could have taken them to Chuck E. Cheese. But the thing is, it's closed on Friday. She wouldn't say it to us. She'd muse aloud about it in our presence.
34:22I like that style. She's not lying. No. So as Disney World approached, I remember her musing aloud to me one night as I was like setting the table and my little sisters were around that she just wasn't sure we were going to be able to take diapers with us on the plane to Disney World. We just were going to have too much stuff. Oh, that's not allowed. Everyone knows that's not allowed. You can't also bring diapers. How am I going to do this? And you know, my almost three-year-old sister was in the corner like listening gravely. And she got it together. She got her act together. She's like, I really want to go.
34:51I really want to go. Yeah. God, now I know they don't allow diapers at Disney World. Right. It was like secondary. How am I going to handle this? Oh my God. That is my favorite thing I've ever heard in my life. This is what I want to say that's occurring to me. You're telling your kids the truth like 99 % of the time. And mostly what you're doing is, listen, when we go to the zoo, we're not having a treat today. We know how to actually parent, right? Like we understand that we set expectations, that we maintain our boundaries. We do all of those things because we're good parents. But there is going to be that time where you've got a three-year-old asking you for something you have not prepped them for.
35:31And you know that path A leads to a 20-minute tantrum. And path B is you saying, lucky charms are poisonous for kids under five. And like, those are your two options. I encourage you to take choice B. Yeah, we are in firm agreement on this one. I mean, it's rare. Maureen also informed her kids that there is a minimum age of entry for Disney World. Yeah, yeah. It's fine. Like, I don't want to take a three-year-old. We lived near Disneyland when I lived in LA. And I had a six-year-old, a five-year-old, and a three-year-old. And I just made the decision not to take the three-year-old because it was going to be a nightmare to handle three kids there.
36:08You never know. A three-year-old at Disney World, I've taken them. They can go either way, right? They can love it. They can hate it. Three kids, period. Yeah. It was mostly just three kids, period. you know, it was like, I'm going to just do myself a favor and take two of them because she was probably two and a half. She wasn't going to remember it anyway, but come on. Or she's not going to remember. I love this whole category. We haven't even gotten to it yet. Jackie said the lies that her mother told her were about inanimate objects that actually don't take naps or go nighty night. Yes. All the time.
36:39Yes. It's so Toy Story. They're all sleeping. It's time for them to sleep. My phone is tired. My phone is tired. My phone is out of batteries and tired. My phone is only has batteries when I'm using it, but it runs out of batteries for kids. I mean, here's the really weird part. Yeah. It's so weird how my phone works that way. I hate to tell you this, Amy, about Jamie, but she suffers from a glitter allergy. Oh, no. She's allergic to glitter. And so she and her kids cannot make any projects with it. I'm sorry to tell you. See, that's the kind of useful takeaway I was really looking for. and glitter allergy.
37:17That's genius. I mean, Jamie's a sufferer, Amy. We shouldn't be laughing. She is allergic to glitter. I mean, can you imagine? And you know what? Maybe someday she's going to have to go on Dr. Phil with her kids. Like, did you tell your children? And she'll be like, yes. And I would do it again. She does not at this time want us to fundraise for the cure. I don't think for her glitter allergy. I think she's okay with it. This is a big one. And I use this a lot. That has to live at grandma's house. In the inanimate object, like taking naps. It also lives places. Yeah. Yes. The buffalo that is the size of a five-year-old that lives at grandma's house.
37:53He would be really sad if he had to come to our house. And I will say, even with my grown kids, I still say like, that's going to live at grandma's house. You know, if you want to buy this, whatever, it's going to live at grandma's house. Certain things just have to live at grandma's house. My sister has four little boys. I've talked about that before and her youngest, and they will play, you know, we sometimes, you know, like got to get their wiggles out. So she loves the Wii because it gets them up and moving off in the games. Anyway, her youngest, who is four, has been using a controller without batteries in it for a year and a half now since he could hold it in his hand.
38:29And she's counting down on the days until it occurs to him that he doesn't actually have a character on the screen. So far, he's still very, very happy. He's invested in his play. Yes. And so heaven knows are his older brothers that don't have to deal with the four-year-old, meaning they never get out of village level or whatever, right? Because he's going to ruin things because he's going to drive the truck into the ravine or whatever it is he's doing on Wii. Like he'll ruin it for everybody else and he's happy thinking that he's playing. That's a good lie. And this is how kids' minds work. This is like, it's not like when you see a three-year-old pick up a plastic phone and say, oh, mommy, the phones for you that you say to them, that is not a real phone.
39:10I have to tell you the truth. Like, no, this is how kids minds work. You lean into the imagination. Melanie has told her children that Play-Doh is only allowed to be played with outside. I think the lady said that Play-Doh is only allowed to be played with outside. I spent the weekend with an absolutely adorable three-year-old who happens to be my niece. She had a lot of Play-Doh and I really was the mom who was like, Play-Doh does not exist. And my daughter, who's nine, and this three-year-old played and played with Play-Doh. They made food for the whole family. They opened a restaurant. My daughter was like, why have you denied me the gift of Play-Doh?
39:45My sister-in-law is some sort of angel who doesn't mind dealing with Play-Doh, but I just, the smell of it. Play-Doh does have a weird smell. I agree. I mean, I can like... No, it's sense memory. Like if I say smell Play-Doh, yeah, you've got it. Yeah, I got it. It's not good. Amy, did you know that vending machines require special money? No. Yeah, we don't have that kind of money, unfortunately. And I really don't usually. Don't you hate it? I was somewhere recently where we were so thirsty. All we needed was water. I had brought like one water bottle with us, whatever. It was gone. And this vending machine only took bills.
40:20It didn't take a credit card. And I'm like, cash? I was honestly, truly out of the kind of money that vending machines take, which is regular money, just cash. Who has that in their pocket anymore? I just had the opposite, which is when we flew into an airport, which is one of those ridiculous situations where everything was going wrong at the airport. And it was going to be another hour until we got to the rental car place and we'd flown. So everyone was hungry. Anyway, I managed with my phone to buy like$17 worth of things out of a binge. I would have just said, suck it up because I don't have 17 singles on me.
40:53But I just kept putting my phone up. And then later I totaled it all up and I had spent$17 on like three waters and three snacks. There's a special kind of evil that vending machines are. You can be anywhere, right? You can be in the most wonderful place in the world. And the vending machine that is by the restrooms is where all the children on that trip will gather and suddenly want nothing more. It's like Rapunzel's mom who wants the green stuff in the witch's garden. It's just all they've ever wanted. It's a siren call. And I will say that weirdly, I get it because I am also similarly drawn.
41:29I have twice bought, I don't even wear makeup. I bought makeup out of the vending machine at the airport. That pink bus, why does it call to me? Yeah, I have wondered who bought that stuff. It was you. It's me. It calls to me, Amy. And the ones with the headphones, I'm like, I should get some Bose headphones. I don't even need headphones. I don't want headphones. But that glimmering vending machine makes me extremely happy. LA used to have cupcake vending machines on the street. Oh my God. I love a vending machine. Why is food so much better out of a vending machine. It makes you want something.
42:00It's so close to you. That must be what it is. Like it's right there. But unless you have Apple Pay, it can't be yours. Yeah. And it's just magic that a machine will give me things. I had that when I was a little kid, they had a cocoa vending machine and the cup would pop down and they would fill with cocoa. I just thought it was magical. But Amy, when we're traveling together, it is your job to be like, I'm sorry, Meg, but we don't have... You do not need... We don't have the kind of money that fits in that vending machine, the cupcake vending machine or the makeup vending machine. The lady said that you can't buy makeup.
42:27The lady said you're not allowed to have any. I'm sorry. My bad. Ida has not yet revealed to her kids that she is not actually 23 years old. That's a funny one to me. I don't even, the one thing about little kids is I feel like they don't really know how old you are. That's true of big kids too. Yeah. They don't get it. Yeah. And old is old, right? Like 30 plus is. Well, my husband taught school when he first graduated from college. And he said that when the kids found out, he was like 23 years old. And when the kids found out he was single, they were always like, you should date, blah, blah, blah.
43:02And it was like a 57-year-old librarian who also worked in the school. And he was like, yeah, I don't think that's going to be a good match. But these were like middle school kids. And they still were like, you guys should get together, the two of you, because you're both teachers. See that? The kid's optimism, you know, it springs eternal. You don't have to worry about, you know, lying about the vending machine. They're still going to believe in the best for the next time. I really do think this is true. And I want to wrap up with Jessica's because this is just, I love everything about it. She says her kids can never find out that when they are misbehaving, they won't actually go to the broccoli factory.
43:40And I feel like this just takes us back to our overall point. If your kids think there's a broccoli factory, if they're that easily fooled, right? They are in the magical age where you can do some magical thinking. I'm going to tell you that we've been driving a ton. We're in Texas right now. And we've been driving a ton. And my kids are not good drivers. You know, people in Texas are like, oh, it's only nine hours away. Jump in the car. Let's go. Good passengers, you mean? They're not good passengers in the car, exactly. I mean, they're not good on driving trips. And I constantly, when they ask how much longer, if it's four and a half hours, I say it's four hours.
44:17If it's a half an hour, I say it's 10 minutes because they can't really tell time, even though they're grown now. I just, I shave off the time. And does that help? I feel like I would get, you said it was going to be 10 minutes and it's been 10 minutes. But if they, I guess if they can't tell time, then they don't know. I mean, they kind of get distracted. I'm careful with it because then I do, it's like, you're right. What do they call that? It's like half the distance of the call. Cause then if it's 10 minutes and I already said it was 10 minutes, 10 minutes ago, now I have to say if it's seven minutes and they're like, that was a long three minutes cause it was 23 minutes.
44:44So it's definitely Like I'm definitely doing a lot of fast, fast feet with these times. Yes. But I just feel like, I don't know, I'm team piece at any price at a certain point. Yeah. It's not even day trading. It's minute trading. And if it gets you out of trouble and gets you out of the museum without a temper tantrum and gets you home without the giant stuffed animal and, you know, saves the macaroni and cheese for another day. or even saves me one bout of four hours of that whining. I'm doing it. And you can judge me if you want. Judge me if you must, but I'm lying to my kids. The Broccoli Factory.
45:21My kids are a little old for that, but boy, oh boy, I'm going to back pocket that. I want you to try that with your senior in high school. Listen, if you keep this up, we're going to the Broccoli Factory. The Broccoli Factory. It's so great. I love it. I love you all. Great answers. Thank you for being the liars that you are. Respect from us. If you don't lie to your kids, awesome too. We like you also. Yeah, you're also cool. We want you to join our Facebook group, guys. If you go to facebook.com forward slash whatfreshhellcast, that's our page. And you can click a button there to join the group.
45:51We have like four or 5 ,000 members at this point that can talk to one another. And it's an awesome, so a warm bath of fun moms, wouldn't you say? And dads too. It is. So it's like if you're having a problem with your kid, you can come in and say, uh-oh, what should I say to my kid who's misbehaving? And Jessica will be right there to tell them, oh, just tell them you'll take them to the broccoli factory if you keep it up. I mean, yes. And it's free. I mean, this advice is free to you. So we absolutely recommend that you join. And until next time, thank you for listening. As always, talk to you next week.
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From the publisher
Some people say parents should never lie to their kids. We are not those people.
We asked our listeners to tell us all the lies that totally worked for their kids– or worked on them when they were kids. Whether it's the ice cream truck's jingle indicating they're fresh out, the goldfish who was "just sleeping," or the unfortunate catastrophic fire at the macaroni and cheese factory, these are all the mom fibs you want in your repertoire.
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