BEST OF: How to Make the Back-to-School Transition a Little Easier

21:41Amy Wilson:Have them included in the decisions. We have always, since my kids were little, our school routine is they get picked up from school. If they don't have a sport, they come home and they're allowed one hour of screens. Talk for a minute, Amy, for those who are just new to joining us about what it's called? It's after school restraint collapse. After school restraint collapse. You know what it is. And yes, there's a term for it. It is when you get the kid back in the car seat coming home from preschool. They're just, they fall apart because they've worked so hard to hold it together until 2.15. And yeah, come prepared for it.

22:14Bring that Z-bar or cheese stick, whatever they told you they were super excited to see after school. don't talk, hand them a cheese stick and, you know, let them have a snack first and kind of calm down. It's completely healthy and normal, but it's just them falling apart after working really hard for a long time and probably with not quite enough energy to get them through to the end of the day.

22:34Amy Wilson:Yeah. And from a neuro non-typical kids point of view, a lot of non-neurotypical kids are spending a lot of their day working really hard, like masking or just trying to control behaviors that they know don't fly at school and they may really come home and fall apart. And I think for all kids, routines, checklists, if you have a non-neurotypical kid, I love a visual schedule, which is just pictures of what the day is going to look like. Kids go from a day that is generally fairly unstructured. We're going to go to the beach or we're going to play all day or we're going to go to the museum and you're with mom the whole time or dad or caregiver or Nana, then they go into school, at which point things start to feel very overwhelming.

23:21Amy Wilson:So I really like a whiteboard, a visual schedule, something where it says, because you're going to start hearing a lot of like, I can't do the cat box. I have homework. I can't do the thing that I usually do the chores because of this. There's still time in the day for everything. But first of all, when you're starting to see the restraint collapse, you're starting to see the tantrums, or you're starting to hear the overwhelm helping them to say, because I tend to be a little bit like, suck it up, buttercup, you know, like it's school when it's not summer fun anymore. But I do think it's actually a better idea to sit down and say, okay, we're going to do the cat box every night at six o 'clock.

24:01Amy Wilson:It's just easy. You've just finished up, you know, if we do homework, then cat box, then dinner, we can fit everything in, but it's easier if you see it, I think. I just learned that about habit formation. The quickest way to make sure that you do something that you mean to start doing is to tie it to something you already do every single day. When you put your shoes on, you think of five things you're grateful for. I'm making that up, but whatever, that you tie the litter box, for example, to when dinner's over, you put your dish in the dishwasher and then you do the litter box that you attach it to something that already happens without having to be reminded.

24:35When you brush your teeth, you look at your times tables while you're brushing your teeth, whatever it is that you tie it to something that's already happening every day without protest.

24:42Amy Wilson:Yeah. And I know for myself as an adult, I often have the feeling I'm just coming back today from a nice seven day vacation and a break. I'm just panicked. I'm like can feel the panic in my body of I can't get this all done. And I had a, you know, my yearly physical happened to be this morning and we're getting back to recording. And I just had this feeling of. So I took a half an hour today, actually on the plane. And I texted Amy and I I was like, I actually have a doctor that's going to back off. Can we move stuff around? Like just sitting down and actually looking at the problem. It's like if I moved two things around, I wouldn't be like trying to prep the episode while I'm talking to the doctor about what medications I'm taking.

25:24Amy Wilson:You can solve a lot of problems if you just look at them, but you can't solve any problems if you don't look at them. It makes me think, though, because I felt the same way. We haven't recorded in, I guess it's been a week, it might be 10 days or something. We're kind of always thinking about the show. But yeah, I got on this morning and I did have this minute of like, do I know how to do this? Right. Episode 430, whatever. What do I do? Where does this plug in? And like, yeah, it felt a little heightened because we had had this time off. And it just makes me think, gosh, I guess they're not just giving us a hard time when they really don't want to get up when they're exhausted after a day.

25:58It is a lot. And they can't be like, you know what, can I just move the math test to next week? Because I really have no agency. This is too much. They have no agency and it's going from zero to 100. And yeah, they're not just being difficult when they're saying this is a lot.

26:13Amy Wilson:I think that's right. And so while I have a little bit of tweet tweet back to school, guess what? My parents put me on a bus. That was back to school. Right. I actually think there are things to make this easier for everybody. One of the PBS tips, which I liked, coordinating with friends before school. So like you're seeing some familiar faces. this can be all ages but I think especially for young kids if you've been traveling a lot for the summer or they have been at their camp friends just getting them used to their friends again if you are a new parent and I've done this and I've been on both sides of this call the teacher and say can you give me the names of two kids in the school and their parents email address and see if they will get together with you even if your kid has already started school This is a great thing to do this weekend, first week of school.

27:02Amy Wilson:Hey, can we set up a play date? I can think of one time where it's resulted in a lasting friendship. It's not so much I need to meet my best friend forever. It's just someone to wave to in the hallways. It just takes a lot of that. You're walking in cold pressure off. Yeah. Even if it's like you're starting third grade at the school where you also went to first grade and second grade, there is something about walking in the first day that would feel awkward if I stopped doing something for three months. I just have never really thought about this before. Yeah, it is hard. It is a big transition.

27:30Amy Wilson:And believe me, it's the kind of hard that we all survived. I just got put on a bus. Believe me, my parent did not listen to a podcast and was like, I should check in with them and make a visual schedule. We all survived. Also, I think kids could do tough things. And this isn't so tough that if you skip this, your kid will be fine either way. It's more to make it easier for you. Before we finish our part two, I'm going to run through a couple of checklist things. Okay. Health screening is usually tied to back to school. So you're doing your wellness checks, refilling prescriptions, checking in on chronic conditions, eye exam, hearing check, boosters and vaccines.

28:09Amy Wilson:And just a reminder that boosters and vaccines, three key points for your boosters and vaccines are kindergarten, sixth grade, and 11th grade. And those should be times where you're really saying, are we up to date? And take it as somebody who's moved three times. It's easier now with you youngs because you should have computer records that are following you around. But I had paper printouts and it was hard to keep track of vaccines. If you're overwhelmed in September with back to school, it's a lot. But it's just like what we were saying before about the times tables. Put them up so they see them while they're brushing your teeth.

28:44Just tie this to every September as the kids go back to school. That's when I check in to make sure they're on board with everything they need. It doesn't have to be September 2nd or August 18th. It's just back to school is also the time when you, the parent, check in on these things. You remember to do it. Absolutely. Can I add one more thing to this list for the doctor? If your kid gets any kind of, they're allowed to take this medication at school, they're allowed to go to the nurse for this reason, any kind of special accommodations from a doctor, from a pediatrician, those usually expire at the end of the school year.

29:12So if you haven't already been thinking about it, this is a good time to re-up that letter for the coming year. Set it back up.

29:17Amy Wilson:We will be right back with an even more 30 ,000-foot view on Back to School. Amy, you know that in our relationship, you have historically been the one to care about skincare. But let me tell you, Osea Skincare is an award-winning bestseller for a reason. Osea has been delivering results you can see and feel for 30 years. And after several months of using Osea's dream bioretinol body serum, I myself am a true believer, Ames. I also have the Dream Bioretinol Body Serum right there next to my sink so I can use it at night and right after getting out of the shower. Like everything Osea makes, it's deeply moisturizing, but also silky and non-greasy, absorbs fast and works fast.

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30:50Because agents are great, but they don't always know when a joke lands. She had one note. Tell listeners it only takes minutes to build an agent. So, minutes. Create your own AI agent today on Monday.com.

31:04Amy Wilson:And now, the What Fresh Hell podcast presents pretty much every letter you get home regarding your kids' school projects ever. Dear parents, Great news! It's time for one of our favorite take-home activities of the year, the Class Imagine Your Own Country project. Remember, this is meant to be a hands-on learning experience for your children, and there should be minimal parental involvement. Each student must create a full 3D relief map of their country that includes 10 separate landforms rendered realistically. Sand on the beach, water in the lakes. Don't forget to work to scale. And it goes without saying that a map key must be included.

31:48Amy Wilson:Are you finding this hard to picture? Don't worry. We've included some of our outstanding country projects from past years. Isn't it amazing how they look like they were crafted by a team of expertly skilled graphic designers and or people with advanced cartography and architecture degrees? Yours should look exactly like this. Whether or not your child has any artistic abilities or ideas about scale construction. Oh, check out this project from two years ago. Aren't the made-to-scale skyscrapers made from polymer clay just amazing? Right now, you're probably thinking, but wait, I don't have a polymer kiln in my house capable of firing at 1 ,200 degrees Fahrenheit.

32:26Amy Wilson:Well, I guess you'll just have to figure it out, won't you, Mom? Our expectations for this project are simple. You should have to make the impossible choice between letting your kid do this themselves and ending up with a hot mess that looks nothing like the examples. Or you and your spouse can make this thing for them. We sure hope at least one of you has a home art studio or wood shop to utilize. But the most important part of this project is have fun. Please note, this is mostly directed towards those who think listening to children complain and receiving hot glue gun burns is fun. That may not be you.

33:00Amy Wilson:This has been pretty much every letter you get home regarding your kids' school projects ever from the What Fresh Hell podcast. When I was thinking about back to school, a lot of the things were like, have these conversations with your kids, which I agree with. And I think the more kids are involved in choosing their food, the more they're going to eat it. You know, I think the more kids are involved in helping make the schedule, the more they're going to clean the cat box. Like these things work when you involve kids. But I thought it was also useful in a more we've been there done that way to talk a little bit about thinking about some big questions for back to school, because I think that school is a time where you emphasize.

33:46Amy Wilson:very specific things sometimes. And it's a good time to check in with yourself and your spouse about are your values matching the message as it relates to your kids and their schooling? Okay. We've talked to a lot of guests about defining our family values, especially as my kids have gotten older. I'm thinking a lot more about does the way that we approach school align with our family values? Because I think that school is a place where you can get pulled away from your stated family values quickly. And this is what I'm talking about. Let's say the number one thing on our family values chart is like we want our kids to be happy and well adjusted.

34:26Amy Wilson:It's a big family value. But the message sometimes that we're sending to our kids is you need to get A's and get into a good college. And those may not be compatible family values, at least for all of your children. This was Jennifer Wallace. She was talking to us about this. She writes about achievement culture. So we'll put a link to that in the show notes. And that's exactly the point she makes. You think you're just teaching your kids that they just need to be themselves, but they think that you're putting all this pressure on them to achieve instead of you're just happy to see them every morning and to really think about that.

34:59Amy Wilson:The longer I go in this game, the more I think about those issues. All of my friends now have high school kids. And listen, I'm not talking about my friends' kids. I'm not talking about my own kids. I'm talking about high school kids. Start running into mental health issues, issues about stress, issues about peer pressure. And the more I raise kids, the more I think the number one job is not to make sure they succeed in school. It's to make sure you are all on the same page about approaching these big problems. And I think that back to school can be a great time to go back to one on these things.

35:40Amy Wilson:How's school going for you? How are you finding it? What are you looking forward to? I'm talking about talking to a five-year-old. What are you most looking forward to at school? What are you least looking forward to at school? School and mental health and school and family health and school and family values are extremely aligned. I just today was driving, which is a great way to talk to your kids about stuff, right? You're in an enclosed environment with an end in sight and you're not making eye contact. And this kid was telling me, not apropos of this episode, but it's very relevant, that they feel like they are a different person with their summertime friends and in their summertime world than they are at school.

36:22And that somebody actually pointed out to them, you seem different at school than you seem here. And so I said, tell me more about that. And so we talked a lot about that and that difference. And does that difference have to exist? And what might you do about that? And just today, that came up for the first time. And I thought, yeah, I probably was a different kid at school than I was with my friends from camp, too. And how do you bring together? How do you become a confident enough kid to bring the best of you to all your environments? Something to talk about.

36:49Amy Wilson:Or how do you have a conversation about camp might be a place that attracts more of a niche group of people. Let's say theater kids or outdoorsy kids or kids who are all playing the same sort. And it may be a lot easier to feel like your best self when you're with kids who are interested in the same things. Now you're going back to middle school where a lot of kids care about fashion or having the right kind of cup to drink their water out of, which is not interesting to you or purchased by your parent, let's just say. Or they remember the time that you like pooped your pants in second grade and then they're not going to let that go.

37:30You think they're not going to let that go.

37:32Amy Wilson:Your summer friends don't know about that. And I don't I actually really don't think we are supposed to be solving these problems for our kids. It's just a good time to check in. Maybe your kid, they are a golf prodigy and everyone thinks you are going to PGA or whatever. Are you asking your kid come August, are you interested in doing golf? Sometime we are going with a flow that we don't realize we're going with. Even if your kid's just always done golf or always done lacrosse or always done football. Are you saying, how are you feeling about football this year? Are you looking forward to it?

38:10Amy Wilson:Just letting your kid know that you do not define them only by their ability to play football, or you do not define them only by their ability to be the most popular kid in class. I struggle with it, and everybody just has a default setting. You can't wake up every single day and reinvent your family. But I do, having just spent a lot of time with friends of mine and their teenagers, it really struck me that back to school is a great time. And if your answer is, it is the most important thing for our family to be close as a family, but we look at our schedule and the one kid has science Olympiad every day and the other kid has football every day and we're never going to see each other.

38:56Amy Wilson:It doesn't mean, okay, everybody quit your activities. We're going to go live in the trees and live up to our family value. But it might say like we really need for the winter break to be a time that we all spend together and put that stuff away for a while. Or as they did in my husband's family when he was younger and everyone had a lot of sports, we're going to make breakfast our family meal of the day so that we all do still sit down. And I just like the idea of approaching back to school as a much bigger back. Yeah. And I'm sitting here thinking about not assuming that your kid who always does a school play is going to do the school play this fall.

39:30And also not assuming that your kid who has never shown interest in sports, there's a new team. Now there's Ultimate Frisbee. Oh, who do you know is trying out for that? Do you ever think that might be fun? Like you don't lock them into the things that they've done before, the people they are before, because school does enough of that already. Kids assume that you can't be different in seventh grade than you were in sixth grade.

39:48Amy Wilson:Yeah. And I think this emphasis on mental health, it is actually the most important thing to watch when our kids go back to school, not their grades, not how good they are at lacrosse. Watch your story about what is the most important thing about your kid going back to school. And I would argue that in every situation, your child's mental health is the most important. It doesn't mean you snowplow stuff out of the way and you can't play football because it's too stressful for you. It just means this is a great time to be checking in about. I noticed that you don't feel that confident at school.

40:27Amy Wilson:Let's just have a conversation about it. Maybe it can't be fixed. Or maybe their time at football practice is their happiest time of the day and week. And in their highly pressured life, their sports team is their soft place to fall. I guess it's just make sure your kid has a soft place to fall, particularly in these first couple of weeks when it is a lot, it's harder. It doesn't mean, as you said, it doesn't mean it won't be okay. And then you have to make it not hard. It just means find ways to be the soft place to fall and have the cheese stick ready right after school. Definitely have a cheese stick right after school.

40:54Amy Wilson:As we always say, feed the bears as soon as they come off the bus, feed your kids because that's right. It will avoid a cavalcade of problems. And I think that back to school, it's like Valentine's Day. It's kind of a fake thing in its own way, but it can be a good time to like express love to people on Valentine's Day if that works for you. And I think using back to school to check in with how things are with your kids, how they're feeling about school and other things, and then using the whiteboard and the meals and the prep to structure that scaffolding so like they have the tools they need to succeed.

41:39Amy Wilson:That's the best you can do for back to school. No different than like you're getting back to your desk after a week away. It's like, OK, let me write down what I need to do. Exactly. Let me see it. You and I are alike in that way. Let me engage with the list and the totality of everything I hope to do. And let me figure out when I'm going to do it all. An eight year old is going to need some support in that. But it is comforting. So I'm sure it would be comforting for any kid, too. Yeah. And to press the metaphor, like I say to you, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm coming back. I've got the doctor.

42:03Amy Wilson:I don't want to be rushing around. Can we move this stuff around? I think making sure that your kid has room to come to you and say, how's it going first week? What are we struggling with? What could we do to make it easier? I'm really tired in the afternoon. Let's adjust the sleep schedule. Let's look at the whiteboard. I think I'm going to double your breakfast tomorrow. Let's see if that helps. Approach it as a problem to solve together. And I think you'll be off to the races. We've all gone back to school for years. It turns out fine. Right, right. It's already been solved, but we've solved it again for a new generation.

42:35We would absolutely love it if you would take this episode and you would share it right now with somebody you know who's going through it in the back to school. You know what parent is totally overwhelmed right now for whatever reason with the back to school thing. Send him or her or them this episode and just say, hey, I think you'd like this. We'd love if you would do that. Yeah.

42:55Amy Wilson:In any app you're listening to, there should be a share button and you just click it and then you can email it to them. You can airdrop it to them. You can message it to them. Just say, give me your phone. You should listen to this podcast. That would be nice, too. Love it. And with that, friends, happy back to school or happy you've already been back to school and we will talk to you next time. So long.

43:39Amy Wilson:Thank you to Osea for sponsoring the show. Go to OseaMalibu.com and get 10 % off your first order with code FRESH. That's O-S-E-A Malibu dot com code FRESH.