DEEP DIVE: Traveling as a Family

20:14And so I'm actually happier wheeling my wheelie bag through the airport because the bag is heavy because I'm carrying everything the whole world might need.

20:24Amy Wilson:My husband is a golfer and so he brings golf clubs. So once you've got golf clubs, you're like, we're checking everything. And I got a kid who likes fishing. He's bringing a fish and rod. I mean, we've already got so much stuff going on. We just accept our fate. Here's something that really helps me that I've learned along the way that everybody gets their own boarding passes because this is something that's new in the age of the phone. Either my husband or I will have everybody's boarding passes on the phone. I tend to print them out too if I have time because you just never know when somebody's phone is going to die or it's not working.

20:57In my case, there's one person in my family. See if you can guess who it is. It's when they say that we're about to begin boarding. You know what I mean? There's that pre pre boarding thing in the air and people are starting to move towards. That's about when a certain somebody in my family will say they need to go do something and we'll disappear into their time to get a cup of coffee. No, well, it's usually the restroom area of the airport. It takes as long as it takes, heaven knows, you know, and we got to get that taken care of for sure. But now we're boarding. Now it's like group three, group four, and the person who has our boarding passes is and adding to the stress because I'm the one who has to not check bags.

21:32Like we need to get on the plane when we're allowed to get on the plane. And exactly at that moment, because we have all these bags.

21:37Amy Wilson:That's what I like about not believe me, I favor the airlines that are not charging for bags because it is annoying when they suddenly want to charge you$200 to take your bag. Right, right. But yeah, I like not having the stress about what if there's no bin space. I see where you're going. So anyway, we all have our own boarding passes because there is somebody in my family who likes to play it that way. and even when the kids were little, I'd be like, see you later. And I would get on with all the kids. But you would get on without your spouse? They have a boarding pass and they're a grownup.

22:07So hope you make the flight because it was easier for me than like, now it's like, now it's final boarding call. We need all, and this person isn't there. Yeah, I get on. I would be too worried.

22:17Amy Wilson:We get on together. I would be like, you're going to miss the flight. I don't know, it would freak me out. Maybe they will. I just don't want to, I mean, now I don't care. Now my kids fly by themselves. My kids are now 13, 15, 16. They do everything by themselves. They fly by themselves. They pack themselves. I have basically no involvement in them, but we still get on the plane at the same time. I like to know all the chicks are together. Well, yeah, I have my chicks. That's just what it was. Like one too many stressful times. Like everybody has their own thing. And then if somebody needs to know what they need to do, good luck.

22:49Good luck, everybody.

22:50Amy Wilson:No, I am the mindy when we travel. My husband, we call him my body man. Like the president has a body man who just travels with him and like holds his notebooks and stuff. That's my husband. The minute I show my passport, I have to hand it back to him. I'm not allowed to handle my own documents, my own boarding pass because I can't be trusted. I think that's good. Like you guys have a system. It's like everybody has their own boarding pass. And then if you need to go do something and get on at the last second, because that makes you feel better than getting on. They would lose me. I would like forget to get on the plane and be like wandering around the Sbarro eating bad ziti.

23:21Amy Wilson:Like they know. They're like, mom needs constant minding. Let's go to our listeners. So we went to our Facebook group, facebook.com slash groups slash whatfreshhellcast. And we asked our listeners to tell us what are the things you do to make things easier or simpler or less stressful when you travel? Like, how do you work it down? And we have a bunch of categories. So let's start with packing. Laura says she packs her kids clothes by day, not person, in packing cubes. So it's like, I got it. like Carla's Monday clothes. I love packing cubes and I'm trying to get my kids to do their own packing at this point.

23:58I am so teen packing cubes now that I've gotten to use them because you can fit more. See, I'm the carry on at all cost person. You can fit more because it's like all your underwear and socks goes in a packing cube and then it becomes smaller because you can zip it shut. And then when you get to the hotel, it's like, here's the socks and underwear bag. Here's the t-shirts bag. And unpacking is super easy because it's just, you just pull out three or four bags and you're unpacked. So I'm team packing cubes.

24:22Amy Wilson:This is like, you're speaking a completely foreign language to me. And I just want to say you can do it the other way, which is just throw all the crap in a bag and figure it out when you get there. Another option. I'm not saying it's a good option, but if this doesn't appeal to you, I have gone on 400 trips in just my chaotic evil way of just throwing everything in. And I bring like four sweaters because I want to decide when I get there, not today, what I'm going to wear. And I bring a giant bag and I pack it. And it does depend too about being somewhere, like you were saying, like, oh, I forgot shoes, whatever.

25:00I'll run to the DSW and get shoes. You have to be somewhere where that can happen. And I have thought about that because we've talked about that in the past. I'm like, okay, I guess I can let go of open your suitcase and show me that you remembered toothpaste if we are somewhere we can get toothpaste?

25:15Amy Wilson:Well, one thing I think is important that we do do is we make a list of absolutes. These are the things when you get there, if you don't have, are going to kind of ruin the trip. So a bathing suit, if you're going somewhere water-based. I had a child once who got to vacation with no shoes. I mean, no shoes. Got in the car barefoot and hadn't packed any shoes. And I was like, this is special. We can't even go. We ended up stopping. we pulled off the highway and had to go in and buy them a pair of shoes. Got in the car with no shoes on. I mean, that was a special, special treat. So now you know.

25:51So now next time, right, as you depart for the airport, we have passports, chargers, and shoes.

25:55Amy Wilson:I'll tell you, it only happens once before I check now every time still, does everyone have shoes on their feet? Yeah, we couldn't even suffer lunch. You can't even go in a restaurant without shoes on. No, sir. But I would say iPads, computers, phones, And medication is the biggest one. We forgot it once. And man, is it a pain if you forget medication. I have many people in the family on medication that has like withdrawal symptoms if you don't take it. And I recently was on a trip with you where I forgot my medication. My husband had to FedEx it to me. It's a pain. Yeah. And I had set it out really carefully.

26:29Amy Wilson:And my husband said he found it like under the lip of the bed. I must have put it on the bed to put in the bag and it fell under the bed. And then I just assumed I'd put it in. So, you know, things happen. But list of absolutes to me, it also really cuts down my anxiety because like, yes, I can buy a six pack of underwear at Target most places, but I can't get the medication that my kid needs. Yes. And then a list. I have a list that's the same every time. And I just print it out for stuff like charger, this, and I give it to my kids. Like backpack should have your laptop in it and give your passport to mom, whatever.

27:06And most of them are annoyed and don't look at it. But I find it, I think if you are that kind of person, it's relaxing to me. Yes, medication crossed off because I just put it in the bag or the toiletries bag or whatever.

27:16Amy Wilson:I do think this is an area where like start early. We travel a ton and always have because we're away from family. And so we've always, since my kids were infants and three under four, traveled at least twice a year on an airplane. And the earlier you start your kids being responsible for their own packing, the better. And then you have a checklist where you're like, these are the things we absolutely, we have to make sure that everyone has two swimsuits because we're going for a week and we're going to spend the whole time at the pool. Yes. We have to make sure that everyone has their medication.

27:55Amy Wilson:We just make a list of the things we absolutely need and then basically pack yourselves. And I do have kids who get there and they're like, I have one t-shirt. And it's like, well, that's annoying. You're going to have to wash it every single night. That sounds annoying. I bet next time you're going to remember to pack four. Jeanette says when her kids were very small, she would ship stuff ahead going to a hotel, like diapers, baby snacks, and, she says, a new Hot Wheels set for the kids to play with in the hotel room, which is a secondary really good idea, isn't it? The new toy for the hotel room, I mean, it sounds tweet-tweet, but that's fantastic.

28:30Instead of a hotel room with nothing to do except jump on the bed, a hotel room with a new Hot Wheels set to play with is going to buy you all of this unpacking time, is going to buy you like, how about we take them back into the air conditioning for a while because we're melting down. It's a great idea. And then she says she could just take it apart and bring it home with them. And of course, the diapers and wipes were used up. That's a great idea. Yeah, that's smart. It's organized, but it's smart. Mary says, I tried to do this when the kids are little or when we're going to somewhere that's like a beachy thing.

28:59Everybody give me your outfit because, you know, you get to the hotel sometimes and it's like 1130 in the morning and then like we'll check in as 4 p.m and your room will be ready at 4 p.m and then there you are in the lobby like unzipping your giant suitcase and digging around for hopefully some flip-flops like if you can plan ahead and have a carry-on it's like I need everybody's flip-flops and bathing suit and like your book or your ipad or whatever and then that's your like go bag for

29:23Amy Wilson:when you get there it's smart and it's smart to have in case the luggage does get lost like the one outfit. Right. If you're going in February from New York to Florida, like, okay, everybody put in one, we'll have a carry on that has one outfit for everybody so that you don't get there. That's how I was in Aruba walking around in like a sweater and like furry boots. Not great. I have done that. The one outfit for everybody carry on thing. It's useful. Courtney, Courtney's hardcore. She says she travels with blackout curtains. So everybody sleeps in. I mean, that's bonkers. I love it for you, Courtney, if it works.

29:58I am such a light sleeper. I would do that. I mean, for like a baby, I might consider doing this.

30:03Amy Wilson:I definitely, when my kids were little, retrofitted my parents' house. I went and bought blackout curtains. They had a kind of modern-ish house that had those weird high triangular windows at the top and stuff. And I just basically went out and got blackout fabric and nailed it up over those windows. And it was funny because it, of course, was still there when my kids were like, you know, 12 years old. I was like, I think we can take this down now. But traveling with blackout curtains is intense. I mean, I love, I swear by eye shades. Like I sleep so much better with those now. Yeah. My sensitive people just wear masks.

30:40Although you take them off. See, my spouse says, I want to. He's being woken up by the early mornings these days. And he's like, just wear the eye shade. He says he does. But then And no matter what, he's taking it off in his sleep at some point. Oh. So now you need mittens too. It's a thing and a thing. He needs to wear a straight jacket and an eye mask. Yeah, just so he can sleep till eight instead of seven. Mary says, for those of you who are germaphobe leaning, I also pack a spray bottle of rubbing alcohol. And so when she gets to the hotel, she sprays the toilet and the bathtub surfaces, which I mean, now that I've heard that that's something you can do, I might consider it.

31:15You're like, I will add that to my list. I have seen people do that, get down on the airplane too and do that to the tray table, which again, like once you see it, it's like, that is, you're right. That is definitely an absolutely disgusting surface that I'm putting my food on.

31:28Amy Wilson:I just travel and I'm like, come on, immune system. We got this baby. We got a lot to face and we're going to do it. All right. We'll be back with even more travel tips. Who cares about your poops? Ollie does. That's why Ollie's Science Back to Gut Health lineup help support your family's regularity. From daily probiotics to fiber gummies your kiddos will love. Find it all on ollie.com. That's O-L-L-Y dot com. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Go further with the American Express Business Gold Card.

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32:38Amy Wilson:And now, things you don't want to hear from your kids while on vacation. This hotel room smells like pee. Mommy, there's something itchy in my hair. I have a song to sing up for you on our road trip. It's about diarrhea. Where's my suitcase? Swimming with me and it's swelling up real big. You were right about not packing those candy bars in my suitcase. Everything is so sticky. Are you telling me that there's no pool in this hotel? We forgot the iPad. Wait, was I supposed to bring underwear? Mommy, I feel hot and cold at the same time. Ew, what's that in the pool? He's touching my side of the seat.

33:23Amy Wilson:How much longer? I am definitely gonna hurl. I smell throw up.

33:34Amy Wilson:Amy, I want to revisit my recent fresh take with Anna Fader and Amelia Eigerman from Mommy Poppins. And they wrote a book called The Young Traveler's Journal and Activity Book. And this is one of those books that I was like, I wish I had had this when my kids were younger. I so recommend it. One of the things I really like about it is it's a lot of prep for travel. And it really acknowledges, Anna was talking about how she had a kid. She almost wrote a book called Travels with Grumpy about her child who really hated to travel. And this book, it's a journal that the kids fill out and it's an activity book for while they're traveling.

34:15Amy Wilson:But what I love about it is that a lot of it is acknowledging what are you looking forward to, but also what are you worried about? How do you feel about traveling? Are you excited to travel or are you dreading traveling or are you frightened of traveling. This is just like what I was saying to do with your spouse about like, I have this thing about I really need to like, or like, I think we have a problem around when it's dinnertime and we don't know where we're going to go for dinner. And then it takes us an hour to figure it out. Let's fix that to have a talk with your kid about it too. Talk with your kids about expectations and allow.

34:47Amy Wilson:I think the biggest, I will stand by this statement. The biggest problem with travel with kids is managing expectations. And it's the classic Disney World. We've invested thousands and thousands of dollars. We've saved for three years. We're going because it's going to be the most magical experience of our lives. And we're bringing the grandparents because they want to see the magic. And then you get there and the kids are miserable. And then everyone's miserable because we have not managed expectations well. It may be great or it may be bad, but it's almost certainly going to have moments of greatness and terribleness.

35:30Amy Wilson:And that if we don't allow for that, it's going to be much more terrible than it needs to be. It's continuing to work on your expectations once you're there. It's not just that your expectations ahead of time may have been like excessively gauzy, but then also once you're there, re-racking has to happen on the fly, don't you think? Absolutely. And there's a lot of sunken cost fallacy. We spent the money and now I will drag this screaming four-year-old who's terrified of people in costume through this experience come hell or high water. And I used the example on another podcast about going to Paris with my kids.

36:07Amy Wilson:I took them for our first overseas trip, our only time we've traveled overseas with the kids. And it's Paris and we're going to see the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower and all this stuff. And then at some point we're on the touristy bus that goes around and shows you the sites and we passed a Stranger Things pop-up store. This was like the height of Stranger Things. And my kids were dying to go. And we got off the bus and we went and they remember it as one of their favorite memories from the trip. And I needed my husband there with me and we had run into, oddly, another couple from our town and we all went.

36:41Amy Wilson:And it was the other adults who were really like, they really want to go. It's their trip too. And so my joyless need to check off the Arc de Triomphe was undercut by like, we're actually going to the Stranger Things store. But I think really letting kids have a voice of like, what do you want to see if we go to Paris? And what are you looking forward to? I had a kid the night before who ended up in tears, very worried. I'm really afraid that I won't be able to eat the food. I'm really, really afraid that I won't find anything to eat. And that came out cheerfully 12 hours before we were supposed to get on the plane.

37:17Amy Wilson:I don't want to go. And I could have really avoided some of that by sitting the kids down one night just at dinner and saying, what are we looking forward to? What I ended up saying to my kid is, I'll pack peanut butter and bread. And you can have a peanut butter sandwich all day, every day. I don't care that you eat the food. That's not part of the experience. Right. That's fixable. And then it was really funny because we got a cab from the airport. We pulled up to our hotel and directly across from our hotel was a McDonald's. And I was like, okay, go eat McDonald's. You can have a quarter pounder every single day.

37:49Amy Wilson:I don't care. He ended up, I think partly because we undercut that fear, really trying a lot of new foods and really enjoying the food. But he's not a kid who's like, oh, a fromage crepe sounds amazing. Two of my kids would love that. But allowing kids to have a voice, not like your child gets to pick the destination and you have to only go to, you know, Mary Romplan forever because that's where the kid wants to go. But letting them have a say, and I think using this book, The Young Traveler's Journal and Activity Book from Mommy Poppins, I really was such a fan of it. Like, oh, this is just a great way to have a conversation about all the things that are involved in travel and how it may go.

38:33I want to give one caveat for the peanut butter thing because I have done that. I've traveled with the bread and peanut butter and the picky eater. You can't check a bag. I had a small thing of peanut butter, but it was more than three ounces, right? And there I was. No, no, no. You got to check a bag for that. I was fighting with the TSA about whether peanut butter is liquid. They say it is.

38:55Amy Wilson:It is. It's liquid enough. Yeah, you can't travel. So you have to check a bag. Yeah. So that outwent the peanut butter. Same with your alcohol spray bottle though, Amy. You're going to have to check that thing. Oh, shoot. Tiny one. Yeah. So that was like even worse. So here it was like, don't worry, we'll bring peanut butter and bread and you and then my kid at the TSA had to watch like the precious life saving device being thrown out. Yeah. Like there's more peanut butter where we're going. Yeah, you can buy it most places. It's not as popular in some places. But yeah. But there were ways I mean, it just seems to me like, yes, this kid would be upset.

39:25We actually had a listener in the Facebook group just in the last couple of weeks say like, help everybody. I'm at Disney World with my five-year-old. They're melting down. I know that I have to like lower my expectations and it won't all be Wonderland, but seriously, what's going on? And everybody had such good advice. So I'll link to that in the show notes too. But it made me wonder reading it. The one thing that hadn't been suggested was when was the last time this kid pooped? And it really is something that I kind of clock, you know, And not just in the kids. When you travel, you are off your sleep.

39:59You're not eating. And a kid, a four or five-year-old who hasn't pooped right for a couple of days is going. Is not feeling good. Is not feeling right. And isn't going to be like, you know what? I haven't. I need more brand cereal. That's not going to occur to them. It might not occur to you. And yet like that bit of schedule. So I really do. And sometimes like people's bodies just shut down when they travel. Speaking from experience, like it just doesn't go that well when you travel. And so it's worth it to have an honest conversation with your kids about like, let's try to get back to one before we leave tomorrow morning.

40:29So at least everybody's leaving with a clean start instead of, you know, three or four days behind and then your body's going to stop working.

40:36Amy Wilson:Yeah, I think really leaving room for that was a disaster and we're not all stressed. Like kids can pick up on the fact that there are four adults staring at them at Merry Fun Land, waiting for them to have the time of their life. And it doesn't always go great. And so I think that finding ways, and I also think it's really fine to say, you want to go to Stranger Thing land, but I want to see the Venus de Milo. And so we're going to do both of those things. And I'm not going to complain at Stranger Things land, and you are not going to complain in the line to see the Venus de Milo. And just taking some of the stress out of expectations and realizing that yes, you spent a lot of money and you saved for a year and you brought your kids to Paris and it was supposed to be magical, but that don't let the pressure of those expectations junk the whole trip, you know?

41:37And sometimes with older kids, I think there can be this pressure to like, we have to make it super fun. They won't want to just sit around the hotel. So every day has to be some activity, some field trip, or we're going to go canoeing. And then the morning of canoeing comes and it's raining or you just got there yesterday and there's a time change and they're exhausted. And I think you can over plan for kids to thinking the kids need to be kept busy. And I think that I've had more success sort of pushing back against that, or at least there's one busy day followed by one super chill day followed by one busy day, or that just because you planned a family canoeing trip, if one of the kids hasn't pooped and needs a quiet afternoon with their storybooks, then not everybody has to go.

42:20Amy Wilson:That is really crucial, I think, in a family, is that we don't have to lock hands the whole time and do everything together. When we got off the bus to go to the Stranger Things store, the grandparents stayed on the bus because they would have rather seen the sights of Paris and then got back to the hotel and took a break. You know, like, good call. I also think, yeah, that feeling of, oh my gosh, we're only going to be here once, so we have to do every single thing and see everything is to be resisted at all costs. That like playing Frisbee in a park where you're looking at the Eiffel Tower is very magical and your kids are just playing Frisbee, you know, or they're just playing on the playground and the other kids are speaking French.

43:01Amy Wilson:That's incredible. It's a great experience. It doesn't always have to be like helicopter tour dipping over Notre Dame to see Paris, you know, or even to be in, we went to Boston at the end of the pandemic. It was like our first ability to travel. We drove there. And we spent a full day just in a park. And they were meeting kids and playing with them and being like, wow, you go to school in Boston. It seemed really cool to them to just be meeting kids from Boston. And one of the things that my kid talks the most about in traveling to Paris is just seeing little French kids and being like, remember that kid?

43:38Amy Wilson:We saw one kid who was actually British and he was playing at checkers with his mom. And he kept being like, good job, mommy. And it was adorable. Mara, one of our listeners has this tip that I thought was really good for planning the day. She says when they travel every day has three day parts after breakfast, after lunch, after dinner, each day, two of those blocks have an activity and the third is downtime. Love that, love that. Isn't that a good one? And that's something that kids could really understand. Like today after lunch is downtime, tomorrow after breakfast is downtime, we're going to swim at the hotel, we're going to go to the park after lunch tomorrow.

44:14Amy Wilson:The Traveler's Journal from Mommy Poppins has that too. And if you have kids on the spectrum, ADD, any other issues, sometimes if you're used to using a visual schedule at home, which is like pictures of what you're going to do all day, it helps all kids. It's my whiteboard. Like this is what we're going to eat every day. This is traveling makes everybody anxious and it really makes kids anxious. And often we're like, well, they're just along for the ride. What do they care? There are definitely kids who are like, tonight we're going to eat this and there's going to be these options. And if you don't like it, you can just eat bread.

44:52Amy Wilson:And I have the peanut butter in my bag because I checked it or whatever it is. This is what it's going to look like. This is how much. And I find I just was laughing because my kids still do this and it drives me crazy. How long until the plane is ready to go? I'm like, I don't know. Did I get a job as an airline mechanic before that I didn't tell you about. I don't know how long the plane is going to take to refuel when they told it's going to refuel, but your kids are looking to you because they're anxious and they need reassurance. So I don't know. Let's see if we can find out or, hey, let's set a timer for half an hour.

45:25Amy Wilson:And if it hasn't happened by then, let's ask somebody how long it usually takes or whatever that I get very dismissive of that with my kids of like, oh my God, I don't run France. How will I know how long this sandwich is going to take? But trying to be really patient with my kids when they're traveling and realizing that the behavior is communication. And usually what they're communicating is nervousness. Are we okay? Is this good? Is this going to be fun? Am I going to be bored? Right. And when they look at your face, will this be fun? They just said, we're going to refuel. or heading back to the gate to de-ice, they do.

46:04They look at you to be like, is our vacation ruined or are we good?

46:09Amy Wilson:Yeah, and I think you can give lots of language around like this is fun, this is learning, this is something for mom, this is the visit to mom's relatives who she's never met before. There are different categories of things we're doing in travel. And sometimes the expectation is like, this is gonna be fun. And it's like, well, it's not fun. I have to poop or I don't like the weird relative. or I'm scared to go on this high tower, or I don't know what I'm gonna eat. And I think lots of communication is the key to happiness when traveling. Okay, I like that. I like that. I'm gonna be even more pre-communicative.

46:45Thank you. About potential trouble spots. Love that. Love that for me.

46:50Amy Wilson:Well, we're gonna link to our episode of Mommy Poppins, the Young Traveler's Journal and Activity book. And you can find, did you know this? all the books we've ever recommended on this podcast at our bookshop.org. Go to bookshop.org and search What Fresh Hell Podcast for books from all of our guests throughout the years. One stop shopping. And plus, just books that you and I, like if we finish a book and we really love it, we add it to there. I just realized I have to put The God of the Woods on there, which I really enjoy. Oh, I have that on my list because you recommended it. See me love list.

47:21It's on that list.

47:22Amy Wilson:Check out our bookshop, friends. And with that, we will talk to you next time. So long.

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