Even More Husband Crimes (Part 2)

19:31Amy Wilson:They don't want it to taste better. They want it to taste the same. And this is the argument I have with my husband. Okay, calm down, Salt Bae. I'm glad that you once heard that adding cayenne pepper to spaghetti sauce, you know, gives it a kick. I don't want a kick. I just want it to taste like spaghetti sauce. cat says her husband is so fastidious at times more tidy than me but he never rinses the sink again on all caps never this is a weird blind spot but i'm going to say also happens in my house like cleaning the kitchen we have a white sink one of those that you kind of have to use barkeeper's friend you had to get in there i find it so sad it makes me sad it makes me sad to look at my sink and see weird old salad stuck to the side.

20:18That salad we were talking about before, that little bit, you do take it out two days later, that little morsel so you can like spackle it to the sides of the sink and then say, all done.

20:26Amy Wilson:All done. We have a sink that was designed, I can only imagine, by the minions of Satan himself because it is truly, it is a deep, they call it like a farm sink, I think, very deep. Yep. And then on the top built into the ceramic are grooves, each one big enough that you could like put your finger between the highly raised bumps. And it is a quote unquote drying area that you would put stuff in. What it really is, is a unbelievable trap for morsels of everything. Oh, yeah. Nasty. And it's extremely hard to clean because the grooves are narrow and it's just the worst. But I often say, let's clean until it's clean as opposed to cleaning until it's.

21:18Amy Wilson:And I'm the monster here, too. Like, oh, I did the dishes, but I didn't do the two bad pots and I left the thing and I didn't really clean up the counter. Or I just swept everything from the counter onto the floor. Right. It's clean when it's actually clean. That's right. I do know that feeling of being 80 % done and then sort of wandering away. Then all of a sudden your phone is calling you and so is the couch. I understand that feeling. I feel it too. And then I get out the barkeeper's friend and I clean my sink. I'm not like Joan Crawford. I'm not Mommy Dearest, right? I just don't want to like, if there's food in the sink, it's not clean yet.

21:52Amy Wilson:Yeah, you're cleaning, but like entropy. The idea that everything falls back is always waiting for you. So you kind of shove everything in the closet and you open it once and it's just jumping back out at you. There does have that feeling of if you don't get it all the way clean, it might as well not be clean at all. Right. There's still that wilting, gross piece of salad waiting in the corner of the sink to attack you. Feels unsafe. Amy, the same Amy, not me, whose husband assaults the food from too high of a height. She gets a second one because this is a truly horrible crime. When her husband misses a turn, as he is wont to do, by the way, he misses turns all the time.

22:28But here's the real crime. He will drive for miles looking for the just right place to turn around. So wrong turn further compounded by driving 10 or 15 more minutes because there hasn't been a good place to turn around yet.

22:41Amy Wilson:I have a similar husband crime, which is that my husband, who is a nutty professor type, always kind of half his head is solving some equation far away that we're not seeing. Often drives kind of on autopilot because we'll get out of the driveway going somewhere. I mean, we used to live in L.A. near the entrance to the freeway where he worked. So we would be going to the grocery store and he would get on the freeway for work. I would say two out of every three times because he's just on autopilot. And like every time he leaves the house, he's going to work. So he gets on the freeway there. But if we are in the car and I'm trying to give him directions, be like, remember, we're going to this store.

23:20Amy Wilson:He kind of acts like I'm being a backseat driver. But if I don't do it, the over under of us ending up on the highway seems too high. So I've been trying to develop a language. I had an ex once tell me, he's like, is there a way that I could tell you once you've started a story that I already know the story without getting in trouble? And that's what I've tried to develop with my husband. Like, is there a way that I can remind you of where we're going and make sure that you're going there before we get in a fight? because you're either on the highway or I have told you we're going to the store and you're like, I know.

23:54I have totally been that, right? Like the turn is coming up, the turn is coming up. You do remember, you do remember that this is where we turn. You do remember, right? And you don't want to be the wretched, harrid and backseat driver who won't stop doing that. And you also don't want to miss the turn and catching that window. Tough. It's unfair. It's unfair to us is what I'm going to say. It's not our problem. I mean, it is our problem, but it should be our problem. Here's one thing I know, Amy.

24:15Amy Wilson:It's not our fault. That's right. Can we talk about booking the holiday? This is again from an anonymous member, which I love. You know, these crimes have to be big when the wife comes in anonymous. Every year we go to visit his family for the holidays. He books the trip for eight days. We're always done by day five. The kids are exhausted. His mom is exhausted. And I say five days is right. At this point, it's just diminishing returns. He's signed written statements saying, yes, eight days was too long. He's made video testimonies. She has them on video saying, you're right. Eight days was too long.

24:51Five days is the right length for trips to see my family.

24:53Amy Wilson:Got it. But when it's time to book the holiday travel the next year, he's going to book eight days again, no matter how many ways I lay it out, because it's not worth the plane ticket for five days. This is so specific and so universal at the same time, isn't it? I love my husband, but he'll come home and be like, wow, I went for a run this morning and it really felt better than sleeping in. And the response is, you'll learn nothing from this experience. I'm the same way. Like, oh, I got my work done early so I could enjoy dinner rather than having it over my head. I'll learn nothing from this experience.

25:29Amy Wilson:And this is this husband. He will learn nothing from the experience. Yes, because always overweighing your loving wife's reminders to you that this is not what makes you happy. You're going to be, but like five days isn't worth it for a plane ticket. that is such a like a 1952 dad way to think isn't it father knows best so true and also car we're gonna stop at the national park that's that same thinking that you're gonna turn any trip into an educational sidebar because it's not worth getting in the car otherwise yeah and i do think in general shorter visits better leave them wanting more like a stand-up comic leave them wanting more getting out a day early is so much better than getting out one day late when you all hate each other's dumb faces.

26:14I saw a content creator recently who posted pictures of herself with several small children on an airplane. And it just was like, that's right. We left after two days. We were supposed to be there for a week and I couldn't take it anymore. And I think the correct or not, her point of view was that she was stuck watching the kids because once she got to her husband's family's house, her husband was supposed to be grilling. Her husband was supposed to be visiting with his brother. Her husband was supposed to be doing this. And she was taking care of all the kids by herself. So she blew it after two days.

26:41She said, we're leaving. And everybody was mad and you know i don't care because i live my life on fire or whatever but putting it on social media yeah is an interesting choice don't think it would have been my choice that's not what

26:51Amy Wilson:anonymous member is doing here that's why she went anonymous yeah i mean this this can be fixed you can just not do it every single year but i also understand that you're probably going to yeah and you're gonna on day five be like oh right right but i agree there's something so 1950s dad about it's not worth the plane ticket for five days. It's definitely worth it. Annie's husband crime is that he washes the laundry and puts only his clothes away. He leaves mine and the kids clothes in the dryer or even worse, the laundry basket. Annie, this just happened to me like two days ago. This is, again, I mean, punishable by public flogging.

27:33Amy Wilson:Hot poker. Oh, is this how it's going to be? Oh, are we all ever only going to wash and fold and put away our own laundry? Oh, is this the new rule now? Thanks for letting me know. My husband is a very good folder. I have started when I'm doing, there's five of us. I have started leaving his in like a nice pile by where he folds his clothes because I just get too tired to fold five people's clothes. But I'm not only folding my own. We have an intermediary thing, to be fair. It's my method. I don't know if others would do this. When it comes out of the laundry, I don't want it to get all like, you know, wrinkled sitting in the laundry basket, right?

28:09So if I don't have time to fold it, I just throw all the t-shirts over one chair, right? And all the shorts or the pants over another chair. So they're not balled up anymore. They're laid out flat. They might be inside out, they're not folded, they might belong to different people, but they're finishing drying in a semi flat state. So I will say my clothes, some people's clothes, namely their own were folded and put away. Mine were left in this hanging over the chair state, but it would have taken like another 45 seconds to fold my three t-shirts.

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29:25Amy Wilson:I've been Christ.

29:31Amy Wilson:What fresh hell brings you qualities you want in a boyfriend versus qualities you need in the father of your children. Boyfriend. OMG, he has to be a good dancer. Husband. Yeah, you are really not spending a lot of time dancing. Find a guy who's good at putting together IKEA furniture. Boyfriend. You know what I love? A tight butt. Husband. You know what I love? a guy who can make 20 pancakes in under three minutes. Boyfriend. I'm also really into abs, husband. It is imperative that you find a guy who can survive on less than six hours of sleep. Boyfriend. I am such a sucker for a cute smile. Husband.

30:23Amy Wilson:Very crucial to have a high tolerance for weird smells. Boyfriend. and for sure he has to have sexy eyes. Husband. For the love of God, do you realize how infrequently you'll be staring into those sexy eyes once the baby comes? I beg of you, go with the dude with some basic plumbing skills. This has been Qualities You Want in a Boyfriend versus Qualities You Need in the Father of Your Children from the What Fresh Hell podcast.

30:59Amy Wilson:My daughter and I just watched Chicago, The Cell Block Tango. If you haven't seen Chicago, it's such a fun movie. It's a musical movie. Rob Marshall directed it. Pause it. If you leave to go to the bathroom during that movie, pause it. Yeah, definitely pause it. But it's basically about female murderers in Chicago is the overall plot. But there's an amazing number in the show called The Cell Block Tango. And it's the five merry murderesses of Murderer's Row, and they're all talking about their crimes. And Lindsay could be on this row because she says, my husband loves a hot beverage, coffee in the morning, and herbal tea at night.

31:37Amy Wilson:He purposefully slurps it to cool it off because it's hot. When I murder him one day, the jury will find me not guilty because it was justified. I'm going to have a hard time even except I mean I know the purposeful slurping for sure but the idea that that somehow cools the beverage off faster I don't think that's even true it doesn't cool it off it just allows you access to it when it's still hot right because you're impatient that's your impatience I'm listening to not you're doing anything to make the world a better place you're just trying to get small tiny two hot sips I think in marriage I'm going to posit that over the course of a marriage you have 10 times where you're allowed to say you can't do that anymore it's too gross and I was on an early date with my husband and he it's so funny because he did it last night in friends and neighbors what we were just talking about John Hamm went one by one and like licked off his fingers like smackingly licking off his fingers part of a tv show geez right I think he's supposed to yeah it's like kind of a bit I don't know but anyway I laughed and I turned to my husband because I was like, see, I wouldn't date Jon Hamm because when we were dating, he did it.

32:48Amy Wilson:And the second time he did it, I was like, I really am into you, but I just cannot ever see that happen again. Licked off each finger one at a time. It's like more like a like a real attacking the fingers. And I think you get 10 opportunities over the long course of a marriage. Husbands get zero, by the way. Tens a lot over the course of, let's say, 40 years. 40. All right. All right. Like, yeah, every four years you get one. Sure. I think purposely slurping the coffee would be one of them. It's funny. I don't do this and neither does my spouse, but he had a co-worker once who did years ago when he was sitting in one of those like a trading floor of many people sitting in the same space, a big, long desks.

33:32You have your area, but you're sitting in a long table with four other people and the person he worked next to every day had many faults. but chief among them was a slurping of the hot coffee.

33:44Amy Wilson:Yeah. I am extremely averse to annoying noises. And I'm constantly like, can you stop doing that? If anybody in my family is like clicking, clicking, clicking, they'll just, you know, have something in their hands that they're clicking. I'm like, stop, stop, stop. Don't do that. Don't make that annoying noise. And now when I spend time with people who are not my family, who I do not know well enough to be like, could you stop making that annoying noise? I'm just like, how did I ever live like this around people who are just sitting here crinkling a water bottle constantly. Katie says her husband never puts his ice pack back in the freezer from his lunchbox and then takes the ice pack that she put in there and then she doesn't have any ice packs.

34:21He leaves her with no ice packs.

34:23Amy Wilson:Terrible crime. See also everyone in my family and bar chargers are like portable phone chargers. You're right. And then the constant use of the phrase, do we have any bar chargers when we're like on a plane. I don't know. Have you ever plugged one in? Have you ever recharged one? When you say a bar charger, what do you mean? Like it has a bar charger is like a secondary power pack. So it's like a little rectangle. Right. And you charge it up and then it has juice and then you plug your phone into it. Got it. Got it. But eventually those need to be recharged. Not eventually, pretty much every time, much like an ice pack.

35:00Amy Wilson:You use it and then it gets recharged. You put it part of the equation where we recharge the charger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Completely a mystery to every member of my household. Doesn't happen. Yeah. In our last episode, we talked about the sort of real weed. Have we remembered to send out thank you notes? This is the flip side of that. Does anyone have a bar charger? I mean, they're definitely talking to one person, you, but does anyone, does anyone know what's for dinner? Yeah. And my kids are now at the age where it really is like if you haven't done the laundry, then you don't have clean clothes.

35:36Amy Wilson:If you haven't charged a bar charger, then you don't have a bar charge. These are life lessons. Yeah. Yeah. They're tough ones. Katie says, many times I've gone to open what I thought was a new slash full container of something only to find out that my husband has lifted the plastic or foil seal halfway off and then replaced the seal to put the lid back on. Sometimes I plan a meal thinking I have a full container of sour cream, but discovered too late that I don't have enough for my recipe. Super annoying. Seems lazy to me. His justification is that it keeps it sealed better and will last longer.

36:12Amy Wilson:I disagree. Once the seal is broken, it's broken. Just remove the seal and use the plastic lid so that everyone knows the container has been open. Whose team are you on? I can see this. I can see both sides. I think this one the jury is going to have a little more trouble with because I can certainly see Katie's frustration. You can't make enchiladas if you don't have sour cream because somebody used half of it. But I do. It doesn't occur to me, I think, that that foil seal on the top of the yogurt is something to throw away. I think it's something to be carefully removed and then put back or else it's like the mattress tag.

36:43I don't know. I think that's like something you're supposed to put back. Do you put it back?

36:46Amy Wilson:I am 1000 % team Katie. It drives me crazy when people do this. When it's open, it's open. Let's not pretend we didn't open it. Let's not pretend And that we're somehow re-hermetically sealing it. The foil has no role once it's open. Get rid of it. And what about like in your bathroom? You know, when you have moisturizer and then inside there's often like a little plastic thing that almost has a little pull-up tab on it. You get rid of it the first time, Amy. What am I learning about you? It's like, oh, I'm allowed? I'm allowed to throw that out? This is what I mean. It's like you can tear the tag off the mattress.

37:17You can put that weird foil thing that's on top of the yogurt. It can just be thrown out. It's not that I like it better that way. It's like I didn't know we were, you know, free to dispose of it.

37:26Amy Wilson:You free yourself. Free your mind and the rest will follow us. On Vogue used to say. Free yourself from foil liners. They have no role. Once broken, they serve no purpose. They're not keeping it. And the only purpose is to shield the fact that it's been open. The other big fight I'm having with this is that chicken broth is something that I use about once every two weeks, let's say, in a recipe. And chicken broth does not last very long once it opens. And I need to lobby the chicken broth, big chicken broth, to start making very tiny containers of chicken broth. Because they make the huge quart size or gallon size.

38:06Amy Wilson:And then I use my little sploosh of it. Right. And then the rest of it, I'm like, I can't remember when I last used it. And I don't want to take the chance. And I throw it away. They do make, there is a company that makes Pacific, I think. They make like juice box size. And you can buy like a pack of four or six juice box sizes of chicken broth. size chicken broth. Yes. Or you write, here's the crime for everybody in the family except me. If you are going to open chicken broth or milk or whatever, just like right on it with a Sharpie when this is from that old, that little bit of salad, just get a little painter's tape and just right on.

38:36This is from Wednesday nights. We can throw it away if it's gotten a Saturday and nobody's eaten it, but nobody will ever do that.

38:41Amy Wilson:Amy, you're talking to people who leave the coffee spoons out in case they're going to have a second cup. They're not going to involve painter's tape in their lives. You're a dreamer, Wilson. Yeah. And so what happens is you end up with three open nasty containers of chicken broth in your refrigerator because you don't know how old it is. You better open a new one, but then nobody ever throws out the old one. That's how it goes in my house anyway. Nothing but problems. Nothing but problems. This is terrible. This is horrible. Amy's husband, not me, other Amy, he starts to tell her a story. And then right when he gets to the good part, he takes a bite of food or he sips his drink, leaving her hanging for a long time, like a couple of seconds while he chews.

39:16Amy Wilson:I believe that the general husband ability to tell a story needs to be studied. This is a free PhD thesis right here for you guys who are in school. It's so fascinating. You're focusing on all the wrong details. All the wrong details. You don't know which parts are crazy and which parts are normal. You stop before the ending. I'm like, and so what's the ending? And I was like, oh, I just, that's the last thing I have to say. Like, no, no, no. You don't remember the names of any of the players. Nope. It's like, oh, and this one came in. She was really mad. Who? I think you know her. I think maybe she was in the same second grade class as our youngest person.

39:56Amy Wilson:I'm like, she is the main character, the angry antagonist. And you don't know who you're talking about. You've done a terrible job from start to finish. It seems like something interesting happened of which you are not focusing on any of the correct parts. And none of the gossipy details are intact. Like if one of my girlfriends had seen this, they would have had the whole story for me. My husband and I have come to a sort of long term agreement about this. We'll sometimes say, and I'm going to try to remember every part of it now, even though I probably won't be sort of self apologizes when it gets to that part ahead of time.

40:29Or I'll say to him, okay, I'll pause. And he's like, so then the lady comes in and she starts screaming at her husband. I'm like, okay, stop right now. Dig down deep. Tell me every detail you can remember. Yeah.

40:40Amy Wilson:I'm going to get out the like hypnotist coin and be like you're going fast asleep right walk me through from the minute the angry lady got was she angry when she walked in not remembering is not okay right you need to know how this went down yeah so he'll sometimes apologize in advance now we've gotten to that point i'm about to disappoint you that i only have half the details for this very very important story i'm about to tell you the best i can usually do is what girlfriends of mine And we're there so I can call them and find out. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. Identify some other players in the room because you're useless.

41:13I'm going to train him like in a really important moment. Find out what female friend of Amy's is standing there. Yeah, I think. So I think the other Amy here, her husband might just be trying. He's not a good storyteller. He's trying to drum up some suspense by taking a bite to keep her waiting. That doesn't work. Just admit it. You're a bad storyteller and put the sandwich down.

41:31Amy Wilson:Yeah, I would argue he just doesn't even know where he is in the story. She knows it's the good part, but he doesn't know when he's hungry. Maybe. Maybe. You know, it's so useful to go through these and realize that in so many ways, we're all the same. We're just the same. We're married to the same bozos. That's for sure. That's right. That's right. That's good to know. It's good to know you're all out there. The jury convicts all of these husbands. They are all convicted and stand guilty as charged. Okay. The wives are all correct and the husbands are all wrong. Look, Lucky Lou, if Lucky Lou wants to reach back out and say like, you know, sometimes my wife leaves crumbs in the butter, we'll air some grievances too.

42:16But we're always here for more grievances.

42:17Amy Wilson:I don't know if I'm here for it. That might be an Amy Solo episode, but, you know, you can try it. Local Lou. We love hearing from our listeners. You can send us a message on Instagram. You can reach out to info at whatfarshallpodcast.com. You can leave us a voicemail. You can talk to us in the Facebook group. We love hearing from our listeners. Tell us what episodes you want to hear next, new topic ideas, new husband crimes. We're here for you. And if you liked this episode, post about it on social media, post it on social media, or share it with someone you know. We will talk to you next time.

42:53Amy Wilson:Thanks so much for listening. Thanks, everybody.

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