Fresh Take: Fran Hauser on How to Make Time for What Actually Matters

0:00Insurance isn't one-size-fits-all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's Name Your Price tool for years now. With the Name Your Price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So, whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit Progressive.com. Find a rate that works for you with the Name Your Price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.

0:33Hello, everyone, and welcome to Fresh Take from What Fresh Hell? Laughing in the face of motherhood.

0:38Heidi Hedquist:This is Margaret. And this is Amy. Today, we're talking to our friend, Fran Hauser. She is a leading career expert and vocal champion of women in the workplace. She's also the owner of Bedford Books in Bedford, New York, and the author of The Myth of the Nice Girl. Fran has spoken at organizations including Meta, Google, and the Conference for Women, and her new book is 20 Minutes is the New Hour. Welcome, Fran. Hi there. I'm so happy to be here with both of you. You say this book is a guide to help women develop a healthier relationship with time. So what's unhealthy about our relationship with time?

1:14Heidi Hedquist:I mean, I have some guesses, but Fran, you tell us. I know. Where do I begin? I mean, one of the things that I really wanted to do with this book was unpack those habits and behaviors that can be really harmful to our relationship with time. I came up with these four, so I call them the four Ps, and they're perfectionism, people pleasing, procrastination, and padding. And I'll explain padding because I feel like that's the one that not everyone is familiar with. Like perfectionism, I think you all can imagine, you know, when you're tweaking and polishing and you want it to be just perfect and all that extra time that you're spending, that you could be doing something else that's really meaningful and that really matters.

1:58People pleasing. Amy, you wrote a whole book about this. It's saying yes when you don't have the bandwidth. Procrastination is like putting off the hard things. And then padding is when we give ourselves too much time to get something done. And we end up filling it with unnecessary tasks. The book goes into like all four of those things, how to be aware when you're in each one of those modes and then how to course correct. And I think for women, you know, especially we've been conditioned to believe that in order to be successful, like it's all about output and it's all about being busy. that can obviously cause overwhelm and burnout and all of these things that are just really not good for our wellbeing.

2:43One of the reasons why I wanted to write this book is because I do a lot of speaking. You know, I travel around the country. I get to speak to so many amazing women and time is always like the universal pain point. It's always the thing that comes up. I don't have enough time. Like I'll hear like, Fran, you're telling me I should invest in my career and I should build my network and I should do all the things, but I don't have the time to do it. So I really wanted my next book to address this. We were just saying on a recent episode about kids leaving the home or transitions, that one of the things that is super important is maintaining something for yourself.

3:21Sometimes I worry about that kind of advice for moms who might have, I mean, I had three kids under four at one point, you kind of hear advice and write. It comes down to like, where am I doing that in a day where it feels like I'm five minutes late for everything from the minute my feet hit the floor in the morning until I fall into bed exhausted? Is it more important to be like specific about your time or general about your time, like looking at the big picture or kind of writing down your day to day? It's such a good question. I think it's really important to be intentional about your time.

4:03I think that's the most important thing because it's really easy to get into autopilot mode and to just be doing all the things. My kids are in high school now, but when they were much younger, I felt this need to be doing all of the things at school. I was volunteering for everything. I was running the annual fundraiser and maybe FOMO was a part of it. I don't know. Maybe I felt like if the more I did, the easier it would be for the kids. But then I realized that I was spending so much time on activities where I wasn't even seeing them, like the annual fundraiser. Right. And that was kind of a moment where I decided I needed to be more intentional.

4:43And I decided I would rather like do things that get me into the school, like the book fair and like the school store where I can actually see the kids and they see me and they're happy to see me and they're proud that their mom is there and present and volunteering. And I think that's just a really good example of being intentional and having clarity around what's meaningful to you and what really matters to you. Intentionality is really important. And then I think the specificity comes in for me when I'm looking at my calendar for the upcoming week. I do that every Friday. I look at my calendar.

5:21I go through each day. I make sure that everything that's on my calendar, like makes sense that it's stuff that I want to do. The people pleaser in me, you know, sometimes I say yes, especially to events. And then I'm like looking at my calendar and I'm like, why did I say yes to this again? You know?

5:39Heidi Hedquist:So then what do you do? I'm curious, Fran, have you gotten to the point now where like, I thought I was going to be able to come to that luncheon, but I'm afraid I can't. I do. I make changes. I make so many changes to my calendar. If it's a friend, I might say, you know what, I'm going to hop in for like five or 10 minutes. I just want to see you give you a hug, but I'm not going to be able to stay for the whole event. Sometimes I do back out. Sometimes it's about looking at meetings and saying, do I really need an hour for that meeting or can we shorten it? Can it be 20 minutes or 30 minutes?

6:08And just really being diligent about how can I free up space? How can I create more space on my calendar? That's my goal every Friday.

6:17Heidi Hedquist:What struck me about this planning the week ahead part of your book is that you start by reviewing your priorities. You start not by looking at how many appointments do I have this week, but you start always with your list of priorities, what you want to be doing, the person you want to be. I want to grow my brand. I want to get 10 more patients this quarter, whatever. Those are your priorities. Your calendar may or may not have much to do with those priorities. But when you start with the priorities, which I've never done, and then go to your calendar, then all of a sudden you realize this hour call could be an email, this hour workout could instead be a walk while you make that phone call.

6:55Heidi Hedquist:You can find your priorities in the calendar instead of, oh, well, I wish I had time for my dreams, but I have too much to do. That's right, Amy. And I think that's what I look for is alignment. There should be alignment between where I'm spending my time and my priorities, you know, and my goals. I also look at my to-don't list, I always keep a list of things that I've decided that I don't want to prioritize because those are the things that end up sneaking onto my calendar. I did startup investing for a really long time. I still get asks from founders to look at their business, to potentially invest in their business.

7:30That's not something I'm doing right now. I'm not taking on any new board seats. I'm not taking any leadership roles at school, like in the PTA or leading a committee. These are things that I've decided that I'm not going to be spending my time on. And it's so clarifying because when you get those asks in your email, it's pretty clear what the answer is. So I think having your priorities along with your to-don't list, the things that you're not going to be focusing your time on, and starting with those, just a quick review of each before you look at your calendar can be really helpful. I think it also has a great application to like the family calendar and family systems.

8:13Often we say things, the most important thing to us is to have happy kids and a peaceful home. But then we have two kids playing two different travel sports and a kid who's doing ballet in the city two days a week. And we're never spending time together as a family because we're actually running around to all these different activities. I love the idea of starting with priorities Because it doesn't mean that you have to blow up your whole life and pull all your kids out of travel sports so that you can sit around holding hands at the dinner table. It just means, are my actions meeting my goals?

8:52Are my actions meeting what I want my family to look like? Because we do get so busy with the day-to-day. And when those things don't line up, it gives us that underlying feeling of stress all the time. that we feel very out of control. And I love the idea of marrying priorities with time. That's the step so many of us skip as we're just being pulled along to like, gotta get to the meeting, gotta get these kids to where they've signed up for. Yeah, and I think it's like finding the moments in your day-to-day where you can be really present for your kids. Like the time that I always protect with my kids is I love driving them to school in the morning.

9:37that time in the car. I feel like they really, they open up to me more than they usually do. Because you're not making eye contact. They tend to open up much more. They tend to open up much more. And you might think, but that's only 15 minutes, but they're getting all of you for those 15 minutes. You know, like we feel like so, I know I've gone through this, especially when I was in corporate and I had a really demanding role and the kids were really young. I carried so much guilt. Oh gosh, I should be spending more time with them like every single day. And I really had to shift that thinking to, look, I could be spending hours with them where I'm completely distracted, or I could be spending 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes with them where I am there with them.

10:19I'm on the ground. I'm playing with them. I don't have my phone. What are those moments? What are those small pockets of time throughout the day where you can really be with them and where they do have all of you?

10:30Heidi Hedquist:What would you say to somebody who's in a very different position, which is like, I'm with my kids all the time. Like if there's anything they get, it's time with me. And I don't want to feel bad that I'm not self-actualizing, but I've got three kids under four. That's a different person. They can't look at their calendar and be like, well, taking the kids to preschool isn't a priority for me right now. Okay. But it's your job when you get up this morning, take care of your kids. Right. Like there's a lot of stuff on your calendar that's not for you. that's not optional and she needs to find an hour away from that.

11:02Heidi Hedquist:And it seems like there isn't one. How does that woman start to approach her calendar? It's a season. I mean, I might just say, like, give it a couple of years. Yeah, it's definitely a season. I mean, look, I think community is so important. And I often come back to like, who can you ask versus how can you do it? Like, is there someone that it could be a friend? It could be a partner. It could be who could give you that hour every day. Because you're right, you need that time. I just, I do remember those days. It was me. I was with the kids. I was like working from home. But I needed that time.

11:36I needed that time to just like go for a walk or stretch or watch Real Housewives or read a book or, you know. And I just found that I was such a better mom when I had that time versus when I didn't. So for me, it was always about like, who can I ask? Is my mom around? Could I drop the kids there for like an hour. She would say, Fran, I remember when they were like babies, like, just go take a shower. Go take a shower. I got it. Finding those people who can be there for you, I think it's really

12:04Heidi Hedquist:important. We're talking to Fran Hauser about her new book, 20 Minutes is the New Hour, and we'll be right back. Amy, you know that in our relationship, you have historically been the one to care about skincare. But let me tell you, Osea Skincare is an award-winning bestseller for a reason. Osea has been delivering results you can see and feel for 30 years. And after several months of using Osea's Dream Bioretinol Body Serum, I myself am a true believer, Ames. I also have the Dream Bioretinol Body Serum right there next to my sink so I can use it at night and right after getting out of the shower.

12:41Heidi Hedquist:Like everything Osea makes, it's deeply moisturizing, but also silky and non-greasy, absorbs fast and works fast. I'm really seeing the difference on my chest or, as we say, in the skincare world, on my décolletage. Also, the Dream Bio Retinol Body Serum smells like lavender just the right amount, which puts me in the space I need to go right before my sleepy times. Give your skin a little TLC. Go to oseamalibu.com and get 10 % off your first order with code FRESH. That's O-S-E-A Malibu dot com code FRESH. Okay, folks, for the first time ever, I have a kid who is truly out of the house. I can't wait up for a teenager to come home who doesn't even live at my home or answer my texts.

13:31I don't need an FBI surveillance fan. I just need signs of life, Amy. Is that fair?

13:37Heidi Hedquist:I know exactly what you mean. It's time for Hey Polo, a family safety app that keeps families connected and safe so you're not wearing where your kids are on top of everything else. And your family members get to share their data on their own terms. They can choose to share their exact location, general area, or put the app in private mode, which I think my kids would really appreciate. And your kids can always send out an emergency SOS if they need help, which instantly alerts trusted contacts and shares their exact location. That is the kind of thing that gives a mom away from her kid peace of mind.

14:12Heidi Hedquist:A single Hey Polo subscription covers your whole family or group with unlimited members and unlimited groups. Plus, there's a no questions asked 30 day money back guarantee. And importantly, Hey Polo never shares, sells or monetizes your family's location data. No ads, no data brokers, no hidden tradeoffs. Protect your loved ones without spying on them. Go to HeyPolo.com slash hell and use code hell and get 70 percent off your first year. That's code HELL at heypolo.com slash HELL. Quince makes elevated, everyday essentials using premium materials. Their pieces are made to be worn again and again and go with everything in your closet.

14:56Heidi Hedquist:Seriously, Quince's short sleeve, 100 % Mongolian cashmere sweaters are my daily basic. And at$50 a pop, I keep getting more colors. Everything in Quince is priced 50 to 80 % less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for quality, not brand markup. And it's not just apparel. Quince brings that same approach to everything they make, from hotel-quality bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and thoughtfully designed furniture. True story. My kid was setting up her dorm room and looking online for bedding that she would think was cool and I would think was appropriately priced.

15:32Heidi Hedquist:Not an easy task until she said, oh, I know, let's look on Quince. Bada-bing, bada-boom, her dorm looks amazing. Find the fall pieces you'll reach for most at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash fresh. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. Gonna spell it. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash fresh. so Fran the four Ps that you talked about they're the four behaviors that your research and you're talking to women show are the top time sucks so you went through them quickly but let's spend a little more time on each because as you kind of said you think you know what these are but it's really it's a little more complicated than just stop being such a dumb dumb stop being a perfectionist so let's start with padding which as you said is maybe less familiar to people tell us how padding plays out in our lives?

16:25You know, it's interesting. So padding wasn't in my original book proposal. My original book proposal had three Ps. And then what happened was I got the book deal in September of 2024. And then an opportunity presented itself for me to open Bedford Books the next month in October. And I decided that I wanted to do it because it was a lifelong dream. It was the perfect location. And I'm like, there's never the right time. There's never the perfect time, right, to do it. So what happened was, it was October. I wanted to be open for the holidays, December. So I basically gave myself eight weeks to open the bookstore.

17:02And it typically takes six to nine months to open a bookstore. And this is when padding came up for me. If I had six months to open the bookstore, I would have filled that time. I would have filled it.

17:13Heidi Hedquist:For sure. Like the logo, the Bedford Books logo, I probably would have asked for like 30 more iterations of it, Even though you guys have seen the logo, it's a great logo, right? Yeah. But just because I had the extra time, if I had the extra time, I know I would have spent so much more time on it. So having eight weeks to open the bookstore, it really forced clarity. It forced me to make decisions around, like, what am I not going to prioritize? E-commerce. When we opened, there was no e-commerce. No events. making all of these decisions because I wanted the brick and mortar, like the physical space, open by December 12th.

17:51When you give yourself too much time to do something, you are going to fill it with tasks that don't necessarily create value. So I ended up adding that as the fourth P. And I'm so happy that I did because opening the bookstore really kind of became like a hero story throughout the book. I think it really added this really interesting perspective.

18:10Heidi Hedquist:But it's also everyday. day. There's everyday applications. You have eight hours to pack for a trip. It'll take eight hours. You have 20 minutes to pack for a trip. It can take 20 minutes. Someone told me years ago, packing takes exactly as long as you have to pack. That's it. It really changed my life. Like, oh, this will take as long as I have. That's it. You give yourself a meeting or an hour for the meeting. You're going to take the hour. Maybe it could have been an email or a phone call, or it could have been a much shorter meeting. Really like being relentless about how much time are you allocating to things?

18:40Does it really make sense? Do you really need that much time? The whole padding thing is really, it's so critical. And it's a big part of that like week ahead planning that I do. Do I really need that much time? Or do I even need to be in that meeting? What value am I contributing? Maybe there's a different way that I can contribute. Maybe it's by weighing in ahead of the meeting or providing information that could be helpful during the meeting, but I don't really need to be there. Speaking about the other three Ps, because I only gave myself eight weeks to open the bookstore. There was no time for perfectionism.

19:13There was no time for people pleasing. And there was no time for procrastination because like I just had to get it done. The other big thing I would say about these four Ps, just knowing which one is your Achilles heel. Like I mentioned earlier, people pleasing is mine. It's always been. Like it's always been the thing.

19:34Heidi Hedquist:Let's talk about that because people pleasing means a million things to a million people. So how do you define people pleasing? It's really putting others' needs before your own needs. For me, it shows up as like just my default is saying yes, because I want to be helpful. I want to be the hero. It shows up as sweeping things under the rug because you don't want to make waves. It shows up at work. I'll tell you very early on in my career. I just wanted to like take care of it and not cause any problems for my boss. I just wanted to get it done. I didn't want to go back and bother her with questions or ask for early feedback, which now obviously with hindsight, it's so important to get early feedback on your work.

20:17That was people pleasing. I just wanted to get it done and I didn't want to be a bother. So for me, I know like whenever I get an ask, especially in my inbox and I get like you guys, like a million asks every single day, my default is always like, yes. And then I have to like reread my email and ask myself, am I saying yes for the right reasons? You know, am I saying yes, because this is aligned with my priorities? Or am I saying yes, because I feel bad saying no? 90 % of the time, I end up turning it into a no, a kind no, but a no. The part of this that I respond to is the to don't list. Like these are things I'm not doing.

20:53Making no your default answer, it staves off so many problems. I work in a space, I'm a teacher, and there's a million rules in that space that mean I don't have to make a million decisions. I know the answer is no. And I've been trying to kind of bring that out into my personal life more. And then having bigger rules makes it easier to say no. Unfortunately, until December, I can't take on any more roles at all. And I'll revisit this in January because people, especially when you are a doer and a person who kind of comes in and solves other people's problems, when you start saying no, the next answer is not like, oh, okay, I respect that answer.

21:40You must be busy. It's why not? You have the answer of until this time, I cannot take anything else on. It just gives you more of a defense, even if it's like I'm not contributing to the bake sale, even though my brown butter rice crispy treats are the huge hit every year. Unfortunately, until December, I cannot take on anything more than what's already on my plate. That's right. What I like about that, too, is that the way that that comes across to me is that you've put thought into this. You've been intentional about where you're going to be putting your time. So it's like nothing personal. Like this is a decision that you've made about where you're going to spend your time and where you're not going to spend it.