Mom Worsts

22:00Amy Wilson:We were living in L.A. I had three kids under six probably. we were going to move and we had done some renovations that were turning out to be like much more expensive and problematic in a million ways. We had garden beds that were up against the whole house. And the contractor was like, you should rip these out because basically they're collecting water and like rotting the foundation of your house. They were raised planting beds that were all around the house. Can you picture what I'm talking about? Yeah, I can. They didn't have proper drainage underneath. And so they were just filling with water and like the water was seeping into the walls.

22:34Amy Wilson:So we ripped them all out. And then we got rats in the house who had somehow been living in the planters. Sure, sure. And we could hear that like, we could hear them in the crawl space. I thought they were on the roof. I thought it was squirrels on the roof. And my husband did not have the heart to be like, those aren't squirrels. And they're not in the roof. And they're not raccoons. And they're not red pandas, something cute. God, they're definitely not red pandas. And I was just at the end of my rope. We were trying to fix the house up and sell it. We were kind of dying financially. These remodel was breaking us down.

23:06Amy Wilson:We were trying to find a house in New York. Our house fell through. Everything was going terribly wrong. And then one day I turned on the oven to make cookies and I had made cookies with the kids, which was already annoying. And then I opened the oven and a rat ran out of the oven and ran over my feet and then disappeared under the counter. And I was basically like, it's time for the all family cyanide pill now. Like I can never come back from this. We just have to burn the house down. No way. Hard way. It is. That is a particular that's disgusting and awful. But I'm going back to the slightly more universal experience of doing the renovations so you can leave like the renovations you have to do on the way out of a house just stink.

23:47And they always it takes twice as long and costs twice as much as it was supposed to. And you're doing this like for who? Right. So you get to leave. It's your cost of exiting your own house. It's a that sucks. And looking back,

24:00Amy Wilson:I'm no contractor, but but where are the renovations? Like, I don't know. I feel like when you sell a house, everybody says, oh, you need to fix these eight things. And yeah, maybe the next person could have fixed them for cheaper or just left them. I don't know. Yeah. It was a nightmare. Do not recommend attacked by a rat. I am unwell just thinking about it still, even though you said it a minute ago, I'm still thinking about it a little unwell. That's why I have cats now. People, you know, we've talked about pets and hating pets, but we got a cat to attack the rats. And yeah, I think that this goes back to my theory of I just live in a hermetically sealed environment as a suburban female.

24:46Amy Wilson:And then when you bring kids into the house, they bring in a level of grossness that I think my ancestors would have been fine with. But did your kids ever have hand, foot and mouth disease? Oh, for sure. Cock sacky. Yes, they did. And it's the one with the blisters in the mouth. And yes, my son had it and he loved his pacifier. He was a pacifier kid. So he was maximum miserable. Just like because he couldn't use his pacifier. Softly moaning. Right. But the only thing that would have soothed him was his pacifier, which he also couldn't use because it hurt. And he was. Yeah, that is bottom of the barrel.

25:24And then you might get it yourself. But I don't think it's as bad if we get it. I mean, it's bad to get it, but I think they feel it more than we do. I got it, Amy. It sucked. It was less severe. I thought it was like, I don't know, like we get a less worse version. But am I wrong?

25:38Amy Wilson:Again, like lice. It definitely has it. Sores have a very specific biblical plague quality where you're like, I have sores. Like festering wounds. Open sores on my hand. Yeah. It's so in your mouth. It's so gross. I know. I feel like the grossness threshold in my life is so low that I now cannot handle any gross. I mean, I say this and then my roommates in college would make fun of me because I'm like, I really hate food dishes. And they're like, yeah, everybody does. You just have to do the dishes. But I do feel like people have certain sensitivities. And to me, illness and oh, it just it really is my kryptonite.

26:23Amy Wilson:I think that some people like bugs don't bother me that much. But oh, my God, I have two out of my three kids. If a bee happens to buzz somewhere around where we're seated, two out of my three will get up and shriek and run away. And they're like, I have big kids now. Wow. They shriek and run away. Just run around. A spider, which I really have tried to implant in my kids for decades now, that a spider is to bugs like a cat is to a rat. If you don't like bugs, a spider is your friend. There you go. They're not buying this argument. No, not at all. Like Charlotte. Nope. They don't buy it at all.

26:58Amy Wilson:Yeah, I think sometimes you have to know your strengths and your weaknesses. And my weaknesses are gross things. You are so much more exposed to these things once you have a kid. Yes, that's it. Right? Like norovirus and hand, foot and mouth disease and lices are all things that you as a child free adult don't really have to worry about almost certainly. And then once you have a kid, it is almost certain that you will have to deal with all of these things before they're sex. That's exactly right. And I think because I had my first child at 37, I lived too much of my life free from other people's bodily fluids to start.

27:35Amy Wilson:I started too late and I never caught up. Amy, you have a particular hate of Flat Stanley, school projects. Yes, I do. And classroom mascots. I mean, are they as bad as lights? No, but they're pretty bad because the assignment that is ostensibly the kid's assignment, but is actually really your assignment. I've written about this. It's in my first book. When did I get like this about my kid was student of the week in kindergarten and and they had a class pet that was a stuffed animal, Penny the pig. And you were supposed to take the stuffed animal home for the weekend and then do like a photo essay.

28:14And again, this was before, I think, printing out photos and, you know, gluing them onto pieces of construction paper days. We had fingerprints, but we still had to print out photos.

28:25Amy Wilson:No DNA. Yeah. No printers. No Canva. Yes. You know, fingerprints. Right. No, no AI. We're catching up. Make a photo essay of this for me, please. I had to make the photo essay. Anyways, there was a scrapbook that all the families had used and we went last. So perhaps if I had gone first, I would have been like, oh, here's Penny with us. It was a great weekend. One pager. by the end the families outdoing each other in my kids kindergarten class there was one i swear to god it was a jewelry heist oh where the people dressed up and there was like a murder mystery that went on for five or six pages and then penny the pig solved the mystery of who stole the jewelry and then i get the book last and so the kid would go in on monday and you'd have to read you know what penny did over the weekend to the rest of the class at story time so yeah like i killed myself It was a rainy weekend.

29:11We had nothing going on. I had nothing. And I was desperate to give Penny the pig a good time. And I'm not sure we did. And in the end, the kicker of it all was we did. I scrabbled stuff together and printed all the stuff out and made cookies and all the stuff that I think I'm supposed to do so that Penny the pig is seen having a good time. And then they didn't even read it. They skipped sharing day that day. And nobody ever even saw what we did.

29:34Amy Wilson:I want to put in your path as a senior to the freshmen out there who are just starting this journey. Opting out of these things is a choice. Oh, yeah. Make at all times at all times. Like there are going to be people who do the Penny the Pig jewel heist story that does not obligate you to keep up with the Penny the Pigs. Right. You can, every year, my kids went to the same preschool and they brought home a bear. It was just a little paper bear. And it had a sticker on it that said, I am a bear and it's time for me to hibernate. Put me somewhere in your, to hibernate. And then there's going to be on hibernation day or whatever you call it when a bear comes out of hibernation and bring the bear back.

30:21Amy Wilson:Three for three, we lost the bears. We never remember where we put them. The bear never came out of hibernation. My children all survived. We killed three bears. I was like, some bears hibernate forever, as it turns out. I had a friend who had, these are also, as teachers, I think that teachers maybe have gotten a little bit more hip to this. Stop giving the mom's assignments as much as you can. Like my friend in L.A. whose kid went to like a very expensive school, you know, private school. Their project was make a pumpkin that looks like a historical figure. And they were assigned Richard Nixon.

31:01Amy Wilson:And they had to make a Richard Nixon pumpkin. And I just kept saying, don't do that. Just say no. It's OK to send your six. And I get it that all the other kids have pumpkins that look like Neil Armstrong. or you just do the least or you just let the kid do it themselves. And then, yes, you're going to go to back to school night and there's going to be a million Neil Armstrong pumpkins with like a full spaceship and everything. But you can say no. Yeah. And everyone else will secretly be very glad that you did. And next year's parents will be glad that you did. It's tough. It is tough to feel like, OK, I'm going to be the only one who doesn't show up.

31:40Yes, you can, because this probably never should have happened in the first place. And I do think, yes, that there's been finally a reckoning of the teachers were like, we thought you wanted to do this. And we're like, no, we didn't want to do this. And nobody wants to do this. We don't need to do this. Yeah. Yeah. I think we're finally getting somewhere with all of that.

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34:08Welcome to the final race of the Mom Worst Sturby. It's going to be a thrilling event which shall once and for all determine which is the most horrifying aspect of modern motherhood. They're at the gate. And they're off! Strong out of the gate is Diaper Blowout. With hand, foot, and mouth outbreak close behind, it's a diaper blowout and hand, foot, and mouth. But here comes, oh, for the love of Pete, I can't believe they need another snack. Followed by, where is your other shoe? Ooh, diaper blowout falling back as I've told you six times to put on a coat surges up the rail. And here comes the heavy favorite, unwavering constant anxiety taking over the field, followed closely by having had sex in two months.

34:44As we come down the stretch, it's unwavering constant anxiety with a clear lead, but here comes the unlikely leader, Flat Stanley, who is being chased down by it. It's your turn to take care of the class pet. Still, unwavering constant anxiety pulls ahead. It's anxiety's race to lose, but wait. As we come into the final turn, it's all family stomach flu, with vomiting offspring and an airliner right on its tail, Passing on the outside, all family stomach flu as they come out of the turn. Unexpected loss of hair and looks is making a late race show, but it's all family stomach flu. With vomiting offspring on an airliner challenging for the lead on the stretch.

35:13And at the finish, it is all family stomach flu. All family stomach flu is your mom worst champion, besting the time of last year's champion. I just call poo in my hand. What a day at the track.

35:29Amy Wilson:So we've talked a lot about the one offs. I mean, we could go into the Pinewood Derby. We could go into costume day, spirit day. All of the things that are like mom, waste time and spend money. Crazy hair day just came up in my house again. I mean, in high school, they're still doing crazy. And it was five minutes before she left for school. And oh, my God, I need a crazy hair day. And I found a wig that I wore to a 70s party in the back of my closet and we were saved. But yes, it was mom, mom, mom. It's your mom emergency. Yeah. It was a momergency. Momergency. Exactly. You just coined it. Yeah.

36:03Amy Wilson:All terrible. And yes, again, it's fine to opt out. I'm telling you from the future that my kids don't really remember. And then every once in a while was camouflage day once. And I said to my husband, can you get them some camo stuff? And the next day I came in and there was like 17 boxes from Amazon. I'll see. I should try to find this picture. These kids were in camo from head to toe. It was so funny how much camo stuff they had on. But my husband spent like a hundred bucks on Amazon. I said, okay, we're not doing this again. But it was kind of funny how much camo stuff they had. And guess what?

36:39Amy Wilson:Then it all went in the trash. I feel like the ones that I did sort of over deliver for the kids and you're going to have camo, you're going to be, you know, villain day. And then you show up and like nobody else has done it. Like I always miss which assignment the pumpkin like Richard Nixon. might totally matter and be the most important thing in this town that I just moved to, or it might not matter. And I can never tell. That's a great point. And you should probably clock that a little bit. Like we do a Halloween parade in our town. So Halloween's a big one, you know. And last year, there was a baby who was dressed as the president.

37:11Amy Wilson:It was a couple of years ago. So it wasn't Trump, but it was like a baby dressed as president with like the resolute desk and the seal. And then the parents were the secret service officers and they had on black and white suits and they were pushing him in the stroller that was the desk. I mean, I love it when people are super creative and go over the top and I'm not trying to yuck those people's yums because it is really funny when people go all out. Yeah. I'm going to argue that the true mom worsts, the one-off almost thrillingly bad disasters that you can tell the story forever of the rat, one thing.

37:45Amy Wilson:I think making three meals a day every day is a mom worst. The unceasing drumbeat of what's for dinner. There used to be a phrase back in our day that was called going postal. Oh, yeah. And it was because there was a rash of postal workers having breakdowns and committing violence at post office. I forgot about that. Now it's everywhere. Good news. Yeah, exactly. Not limited to the post office. But studies showed that postal work was particularly stressful because it was so endless that every bag of mail you sorted, you turned around and there were three mail bags waiting for you. That it's a unique stressor that the river never stops flowing no matter.

38:34Amy Wilson:Like you're just sitting there with a bucket trying to empty the river and it's just flowing at you all the time. Wow. Yeah. And I think of that because so much of mom worsts is in that category that like it's time to do homework again every day and I think the pinnacle of this is meals I just had this yesterday we had the day off from school and I had taken the kids to the mall and an escape room like we had my cousins came over and we did a big like this is our one day out and we're going to do it up and so we did And we had a fun day. And I got all this stuff done and I'm preparing for a birthday.

39:10Amy Wilson:And, you know, just super busy mom day. And then at 5 o 'clock, the kids are like, what's for dinner? I'm like, oh, my God. I haven't even thought about dinner. It's the worst. It is so unrelenting. It might be worse than lice. Yeah, because it's just every, it's that drumbeat. I hate it. I really don't mind if there's food. If somebody's decided what is for dinner and what needs to be made for dinner is in the refrigerator. I don't mind that half hour at all. But something about that, like I have to decide and go get it and make it. It feels insurmountable. Insurmountable and constant. Like, wait a minute.

39:44Amy Wilson:I just made that chicken pot pie last night and now they want more food the next morning, noon and night. and I don't think either one of us loves cooking I've gotten so much better at it and sometimes if I've got my music going and I've got my Beyonce blasting and I'm making something and then everybody eats it and it tastes good and then I'm tired and satisfied my husband does the dishes I don't mind that I just don't want it every day and the deciding I thought you're gonna say the deciding is the hard part but even the cooking every day is the hard part yeah it's just again I think starting at 37 has put me a little bit behind the eight ball.

40:25Amy Wilson:I think about this all the time that when I was single for, you know, 17 years of my life and living alone, I would occasionally be like, guess what I did today? I made muffins. That was my day. I made muffins. Now that is like 305 to 325. You know what I mean? Like, it's not a fun, whimsical project. It's like being the caterer at a party that never ends. Yes. Yes. The guests won't leave. No, they never leave. It's funny. In my house, I am the one, I'll just get pizza. I'll just do whatever. Like I am not picky about what I eat. And I have other family members who are much more convinced correctly, by the way, that cooking is much healthier, that the ingredients are better, that you can control what you eat.

41:13And it's really not that big a deal. And sometimes they don't even mind running to the store to get the stuff we need and they're just so darn agreeable about it. And I still I'm like, can't we just please get Chinese food? Why are we? Why are we starting this? What's for dinner? Yeah. I'm like the teenagers that can we just order Chinese food mom? I'm that I'm playing that part.

41:31Amy Wilson:I will say I feel that this does get better. And this is my argument. I used to do this. And then the mealtime was it usually two, sometimes one, sometimes all members of the child class of our family crying and being like, that looks like vomit. I hate it. That I don't deal with anymore, basically now. And I will say that is better. Like cooking, doing all of this and then having it end in tears and fights at the dinner table, an absolute nightmare. Right. Exactly. I want to say before we close, we have spaces and places and generalized rules. One of my new rules, I don't cook when it's hot out.

42:12Amy Wilson:And like, that's fine. It's gazpacho all summer. I mean, I won't say never, but basically in the summer, we have a pizza place people can walk to, like walk to town, get your stuff, yo-yo dinner, you're on your own, like figure it out. I'm much better at cooking when it's fall and it's cozy and I'm warm over the pots. When I'm like boiling pasta on a summer night, there's no living with me. I'm a monster. I'm a person, we've discussed this, I'm like your sister that like if I could just take like a capsule. If I could just have smoothies for the rest of my life, I'd be fine with that. You'd do it.

42:42Or just a pill twice a day. I would have like a couple handful of pretzels for dinner. It's good for me. So that's what's hard about it for me. It's like, I don't even want to eat. I'm not even really hungry. I don't even really want this. I definitely don't want to cook. I don't want to cook. But there you are.

42:55Amy Wilson:Amy, can we talk about what I think might be the pinnacle of mom worst? Okay. The top of the mountain. It's a phenomenon that we call oops, I'm old. Yes. I feel like I am the pinnacle sufferer of this because I had children when I was 37 years old. Yes. As I've mentioned several times on this podcast. But I had children at 37, meaning at 30, I got married at 36 in like a beautiful wedding gown with gorgeous thick hair that was piled around in a giant dew. Because like where would we even put all of this hair? Yes. A lot to work with. With like a general glow of youthful healthiness about me. And then I had three children in three years.

43:37Amy Wilson:And then like I woke up 10 years later and I was almost 50. Where did it go? I wasn't paying attention. In fact, I would argue, you know, like walking down the aisle at 36, it's like, phew, I just made it. Right. Like the gate is closing and I'm crawling underneath it before I'm too old for anybody to love me. Yeah. Indiana Jones my way under the closing grate. That's what I mean. And now you look back and it's like, wow, that was like peak youth. And it is. It is. It is. So if you're listening to this and you're 35, 36, enjoy it. Enjoy all that hair. Yeah. Pay attention. And this is the other thing from an oldie locks point of view.

44:16Amy Wilson:My sister-in-law says it all the time. You don't like the way you look in that picture. Here's what you're going to do. Put it in a drawer and look at it 10 years later. It is the truth. I'm going to be like, holy cow, I looked amazing. I have taken that advice my own life. Like, oh, my God, I hated that picture. And now that's me on my best day with the filter. Yeah. Yeah. And I do feel like this is something that when it first started to happen, I was kind of panicked by I was at a lunch probably two weeks ago with some younger former students of mine and we ordered drinks and the waitress said I need to see IDs and they didn't have them they were back in the car she was going to get the manager the manager came over and right away was like yes I do need to see IDs from everyone but you and pointed at me and I was like sir you don't have to be quite so sure about it I mean believe me I'm not looking 20 years old.

45:15Amy Wilson:I get it. But the way he said it was so condemning, like keep yours in your wallet, oldie. But this is something I will say I have tried to internalize in terms of at my age, when I talk to older people, they're like, I'd give anything to be your age again. And I think that we can get locked in the story of it's all downhill from here. And I used to be, you know this and the kids used to that right and the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter that much it's just being young is a season and then being middle-aged is a season and being old is a season but i do think it can be a little surprising when you lose that five or six years of or 10 years right right the reason years right just those like salt mine years of i'm not even looking up.

46:06Right. And then you look up. Yeah.

46:07Amy Wilson:And then you go to go to the wedding and you're like, whoa, I just had a family wedding. And it used to always be the girls. What are the girls doing? What are the girls wearing? Then the parents tables. And then there was the old people tables. So we, my nine girl cousins and I were the girls. Oh, look at them. What are they wearing? They're so beautiful. What are they doing? Oh, so much excitement around their lives. And then my parents and my aunts and uncles were at the parents table. And then grandma and her sisters were at the old people's table. And we just went to a family wedding. And my nephew is the groom.

46:39Amy Wilson:I am at the parents table. And my dad is the oldest person in the room and grandparents table. Yeah. And my oldest cousin was like, your dad has to hold on because if he goes, I am at the grandparents. Like she's suddenly the oldest person in the room. I'm like, oh, my God, it's it's moving fast out here, guys. This thing. Yeah. Life. That's right. That's right. I'm not like enjoy every moment and savor every moment, but I will say, boom, it starts to move fast once those kids come in. Yeah. So treasure every moment of that lice and norovirus. Don't treasure the lice. That's not what we're saying.

47:13Amy Wilson:Don't cuddle the rat when it runs out of the oven because it's going too fast. But just know that you might want to just clock it if you're 35 with five kids. Right. Get in the pictures. As they say in New York City stands, it's clear the closing doors. Get in the pictures. Center yourself. Well said. And I'm going to say being older is not that bad. It's fine. The water out here is fine, too. No. Yeah. Just, you know, you look in the mirror, it's a little bit surprising. I like who I am. I just wish that some parts of me were where they were 20 years ago. That's all. Fair, fair, fair. Friends, we want to know what your mom worsts are.

47:53Amy Wilson:Come to our Facebook group, facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash what fresh hell cast and tell us your opinion on mom worst. And if you liked this episode, share it, share it on social media, share it with a friend right from the app you're listening on. You can text it, email it to anyone you know and say, give these ladies a listen. That's how we find new listeners, guys. That would be great. And with that, we'll talk to you next week. Thanks so much for listening.

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