More Husband Crimes (Part One)

21:05Amy Wilson:You wouldn't like me when I'm warm. No, no. Caitlin says, how about griping over lights left on, but then running the AC with the windows open to cool down the house before bed? Caitlin, I might be, because I've fought with my husband about this. Like if it's 82 degrees in a room that's been closed off all day and it's 68 outside and I want to be in this room, I might have the windows open and the AC on to get us down to 68 faster. I might be. You might be the criminal. Because it'll get us to 68 faster or 72 or whatever. But I see the inconsistent application of electric bill concerns being applied here.

21:39Amy Wilson:Yeah, I get it. I just I am currently in a phase of life where warmness is not good for me. The Hulk is the perfect metaphor. The minute I reach a certain stage of warmness, I am unreasonable and just screaming. I cannot stand. So why summer is my fourth favorite season, Amy. I just cannot stand to be hot. I have a very fit spouse. And the problem is you're cold all the time, but that is a lifestyle choice. And there are sweaters available. Put on a sweater. I agree. And also like being pregnant, picture having a cat sitting on your lap. What does it do? It warms you up. You know, you've got a permanent thing sitting inside you, warming you up.

22:21Amy Wilson:Get a cat. Stay away from me when I'm hot. I tell you what. Amy, we now move on to a category that could take, I mean, we could start its own podcast based on the number of responses. I call this category messiness slash why are you putting that there? Okay. So a lot of overlap in those two things. We have an anonymous member. I mean, I like that people are coming in anonymously to report husband crimes. No trace when they murder these people. Anonymous says cups on the counter right above the dishwasher. Oh, anonymous. There's a few others of us that will go on record saying that that's a crime.

22:59Yeah.

22:59Amy Wilson:Like why is there a staging area? Why? And this is now going to start overlapping for me with child crimes because now I have three children doing that. And the number of times I have shouted in my household, if it turns into a glue-like substance, it needs to be washed immediately. Oh my gosh. That's mac and cheese. That's oatmeal. Yes. That's even peanut butter. It's quinoa, like salads with quinoa in them and like the dressing. It's like an epoxy to the side of the bowl. Yes. Just give it a quick rinse. It's 10 seconds of work if you do it right away and it's five minutes of work if I do it tomorrow.

23:41Amy Wilson:Any glue-like item needs to be rinsed immediately. Maybe we should make a sign and sell it, like an Etsy-looking sign, like glue-ish substance, rinse it out now. Like there needs to be, we need to market this because I don't know why this is a surprise. It probably should rhyme, Amy. Yeah. I'll get back to you guys. Yeah, I agree. Because this happens in my house all the time. Hannah's got baby formula all over the counters. Protein powder baby formula. Yeah, protein powder adjacent. And it doesn't happen. I wonder, Hannah, do you not get the baby formula all over the counters when you make the bottles?

24:13Or do you just do a quick sweep into the sink when you're done of any formula that probably both probably you spill less and you give it a quick, I'm gonna say it's Yeah, it's both.

24:21Amy Wilson:It's definitely it's not and or it's both. And this is a place where I admit that I am the criminal. But I just sometimes watch my offspring eating something that involves a wrapper. And I just think that wrapper will be there when I come back. I just, I know it. A lot of the cockroaches. Yep. Yep. But if I say to the young person while they are enjoying their item with a wrapper, I'm talking about like, let's imagine it's a popsicle. A Weight Watchers popsicle. A Weight Watchers popsicle. God forbid. I just see the wrapper go next to them as they're eating it. I mean, I'm no psychic, but I can predict that the wrapper will be right where you just put it on the counter.

25:01Amy Wilson:And then sometimes I'll say, take that wrapper into the kitchen. Amy, where does that wrapper end up when they take it into the kitchen? On the counter, on top of where you pull out the garbage can. Like what? The phrase, is that what you thought I meant? There's somebody in my house, see if you can guess who it is, who is very virtuous about what they eat. So they will, and I'm talking like, let's say a bite-sized Snickers. It's their name. It's a bite-sized. It's one bite. I will eat one half of the bite-sized Snicker. And then I will leave the rest of it in the wrapper on the counter for the rest of eternity to show the world that I have the willpower to only eat half of this.

25:41Amy Wilson:That is, what do they call it? Like sentence concurrently. That is two crimes. Eating only half of a bite-sized snicker. Amazingly huge crime. We're calling it a snicker because when it's that small, it's not even a snicker. It's only one. Eating half of a bite-sized snicker is a crime in and of itself. and then leaving the wrapper is a secondary offense. It's like pooping on the doormat. Yeah. It's like, look what I did. Who would do this? Who would do this? Holly's got a husband who's a late night snacker and she'll find crumbs on the counter and the couch in the morning. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I mean, I can't imagine people cleaning up.

26:19Amy Wilson:Jenna says shoes right in front of the shoebox by the door. I know you have to deal with this. you have a shoebox by your door. Yeah. She says, I'm going to say in all caps, there are multiple easy places to put shoes that require minimal effort and it's somehow too hard. I think these are tiny acts of resistance. I mean, maybe I'm reading into it, but it's like, I want to put the shoes next to the shoe bin, but don't just throw them in. Like we have a giant bin to make it so easy and irresistible. You could hit it from 10 feet away and still like the shoes are next to it on the ground because it's like, I'll do what you want to, but not really.

26:55Amy Wilson:I'm going to say the first five years of my marriage were suffused with exactly the fight that you point to. You must be doing this to send me a message. Like I have come to believe for the most part that there is no agenda behind it, but I became almost obsessed with the topic of you can't just be doing like, there must be something you're trying to communicate with me with this behavior, because it is so outrageous. There's a secondary game when you start to figure out what it is. I guess it is. I'll be like, you only ate half a Snickers and then throw it away for you. That's the secondary gain.

27:31I'm not sure.

27:32Amy Wilson:I don't know. I'm not. I mean, having gone very deep on this question with my own spouse, I'm not totally sure there's a secondary gain. I think sometimes it's like I just pop my shoes off and then they're on the floor. I don't want to reach down and put them in the bin. That seems hard. I don't know. Right. I don't know. And I'm also such a criminal in these areas that I don't know anymore. Catherine says it's socks shoved under the counters, literally wherever he's standing after work. Again, this for me, I have an offspring criminal who just, I find socks. I'm talking on the kitchen counter.

28:05Amy Wilson:I guess you were eating, you took your socks off and you put them where your plate was. Like who, what's wrong with socks? Who thinks that socks belong on a counter? Who thinks that socks that are on your feet, like, need to get off you as soon as possible? I don't have that feeling. You know, some people say, like, I take my bra off the second I get home from work. Like, I don't do that either. But why are the socks so bad? You have to take them off whenever you're standing. You have to take them off the second you get home. Shoes, maybe. Socks? Maggie ups the ante. Not just socks. A pile of clothes by his side of the bed he refers to as running the gauntlet.

28:39And then Melanie says, I have that same pile in my house too. Running the gauntlet.

28:45Amy Wilson:It's like the like, I might not be done. I might wear that again. Well, I also think it's like now I have to leap over this pile every morning. I have to say, this is my crime. I do get in bed at night. I once did it. I'll see if I can find it and repost the picture because it really was funny. I had on black jeans and cowboy boots. And I pulled my feet out of the cowboy boots. and then slid the jeans off and the jeans stayed over the cowboy boots. And then I left them there by the bed. So it looked like there was a dead body sticking out from under the bed because there was pants wearing cowboy boots sticking out from under the bed.

29:22Amy Wilson:Right, right. Like filling out the jeans. Okay. Yeah. And almost gave my husband a heart attack. So this is definitely a crime I'm guilty of. I like to stay dressed. As you know, I'm a never nude. I like to stay dressed until I'm in bed. And I like to sit in my bed, take off my pants and shirt and I sleep in the t-shirt. Yeah, just the top. And then I'm like, and my bra under the t-shirt. And then in my t-shirt, I'm in bed. And then all of the things I've taken off are by the side of the bed. And I do not in the morning jump up with a merry grin and put all those things where they actually belong.

29:54Sometimes I put them back on.

29:56Amy Wilson:Like nobody saw me in this, who cares? I'm not above that. I often put them back on, but I don't always, mostly, and then sometimes the next night, I'm just back to my old, back on my BS, as the kids say, and I get back in a bed, and now there's a second set of clothes on the floor by the bed. I feel you. I'm guilty. All right, we'll be back. Let's stop talking about my crimes and get back to husband crimes. It's them. They're the problem. Amy, I'm soaking in it. You know I hate packing to go places, which is why I'm so grateful that Quince's mix and match pieces make throwing together a vacation wardrobe so much easier.

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33:23Amy Wilson:Honey, where are my glasses? Seriously? On the desk in the kitchen. The desk in the kitchen. Are you hearing the words my mouth is forming? You'll dive in to long conversations on topics you'd otherwise never wish to explore. Babe, I was just playing the West Course. I had a total career round going. We're getting to number 17 I hit my best drive of my life there Kind of a slight draw down that right side Uh huh So now I'm at 18 I can still save it It's that short par 3, you know Oh yeah, right I hit an 8 iron 7 feet from the hole Wow So then I get over there And it turns out I've been playing with the wrong ball And with marriage You'll be transformed From the reasonable and caring human being you are Into a shrieking harpy Seriously?

34:08Amy Wilson:Who leaves socks on the dining room table? A phone call to tell me you'll be late would kill you, I suppose. Try marriage, because somehow you thought it would be better than dying alone. Honey, did I remember to tell you we're hosting my mom's birthday dinner tonight?

34:33Amy Wilson:Our friend Lillian, who we met in New Orleans, says, This is not a crime, but it is clueless. How do I know every pore in my face, but this man can't see that he needs to clip his nose hair? I do think it's funny. Well, I do think it's funny that women are like, I might have one eyebrow that is one inch longer. Like I need to go see my eyebrow person. And then at some point you'll look over at your male spouse and there's like an inch of nose hair coming out. And you're like, how different could our standards possibly be that I am freaking out about like one rogue chin hair that I can feel and no one can see?

35:15Amy Wilson:And at what point will this set of hair growing out of both your nostrils start alarming you enough to do something about it? I think it's the freedom that's really getting to you there. It's just, oh, to be so free. I always say the best vacation I could ever take is switching heads with my husband for a week. He just doesn't worry about these things. It must be very relaxing in there. Lillian also says that her husband was a Navy electrician for two decades, that he can wire anything. He can do anything. So when the light bulb needs to be changed in her closet and in the laundry room, it only took him six months to get that done.

35:53Amy Wilson:Yeah. I mean, this is a classic. She says, as they say, the cobbler's child goes shoeless. My husband is a very, very advanced math mind and went to MIT to study math. And sometimes when it's time to do some like home math, as he tries to calculate some very basic thing, like how many slices of pizza we need for the five kids who happen to be over, he somehow lost it when it's time to calculate pizza slices. Okay, Jillian has a hilarious one. It's going to take a minute, but it's quite a tale. It's worth it. And I think we should get there because it really made me laugh. Her husband is an exerciser.

36:34Amy Wilson:He does Ironmans. Okay, wow. They're on vacation in the mountains. There's no cell service and there's a storm coming in. Great, but you have to still go out for a long run with the storm coming. I mean, why wouldn't you still go? Right, right. But he leaves before everyone's up to do this training. and he leaves a poorly labeled map provided by the campground, which he marked up and on the back written directions on where he was going so she could go find him if it started to storm. Great. She hears the thunder rolling in about an hour after he's left. She takes the instructions, follows them, takes a right at the bottom of the hill, which takes you over the mountain, drives 30 minutes over and back, narrow, mounting roads, looking for him, lightning striking, pouring rain, thunder clapping.

37:22Amy Wilson:Eventually, after over an hour of searching, goes back to the campground, ready to call the forest rangers. And there he is. He's made it back. He still tells people she almost let him die because she didn't read the map correctly. She should have taken a left at the bottom of the hill and should have known he would not go over the mountain. So his directions were wrong. They said take a right. Correct. But he's saying you should have known you shouldn't have gone over the mountain. So that meant you should have read my mind that I actually meant left. She should have known that he would never go over a mountain in a thunderstorm.

37:57Amy Wilson:Now, he would leave the house and go out onto the mountain in a thunderstorm. But what kind of crazy wife would think he would go right when it's so clear he would have gone left? Wow. And he tells the story as if she's the criminal. Can you believe she did this? What is the charge? I'm trying to decide what I'm charging here. Probably just execution. Let's just go straight to it. Make him like Sisyphus, make him run up and down the mountain all day in a thunderstorm forever. Okay. I like that. Yeah, that's a bad one. Joanna, this is a good one. The crime she's submitting is when her husband says, we never talked about these plans.

38:33I didn't know anything about that. Insert largest eye roll of all time. That's her kryptonite. You did tell him about those plans, Joanna. Yes, he's gaslighting you. Not on purpose, but he's gaslighting you. You definitely mentioned your sister's party.

38:46Amy Wilson:The reverse of this husband crime, which I have multiple times been subjected to, is showing up on a family vacation and learning, oh, we're having a baby shower for cousin Jane tomorrow when I told your husband about this weeks ago. So then I'm showing up with nothing to wear to it. No gift, no card, because my spouse never mentioned that this is happening. I've definitely had to explain to family members that telling only my spouse about something I need to know about is the same as not telling me. It's the same as telling no one. You might as well whisper it into the wind on a sunny day and hope that the message arrives to me.

39:32Amy Wilson:Right. Shout it at the moon and hope the moon tells me. A group text in order for the information to be successfully transmuted. The flip side of we never talked about these plans is I didn't tell you that. I'm pretty sure I did. So I know I told you and I also know you did not tell me. Let's be very clear. I love this one from Gretchen. She says they both laugh about it now, which is good because if you can't laugh about it, you have to commit violence. She says we were married in January 2009. In late 2009, we visited some friends and went to Tex Wasabi, a Guy Fieri restaurant with barbecue and sushi and some sushi with barbecue in them.

40:16Amy Wilson:Sounds good. My husband exclaimed, this is the best thing that's happened to me this year. I just looked at him and said, excuse me? It may have been the best thing. Barbecue and sushi, right? I mean, that does sound amazing. But I think in the same year as the wedding, probably not what you want to say out loud. My husband is the worst at this crime. When we were dating, we had seen each other on Friday night. And then on Saturday night, I realized the Indigo girls who I love were playing on the Santa Monica Pier, which was very, very close to where my husband lived. And I lived across town. So I texted him on a Saturday.

40:55Amy Wilson:On Saturday morning, having just seen him Friday night. We were pretty new to dating. And I said, turns out I'm going to come to the pier tonight for this Indigo Girls concert. Do you want to grab a drink beforehand or maybe even come to the show? And he texted back this response, Amy. I am not editing this response. The text read, that might be too much Meg for one weekend. That's what he texted me back. And I was like, okay, I guess I'm never seeing this guy again. What an absolute monster. I totally despise him now. Then Monday comes along and he calls and he's like, hey, I miss you. I'd love to see you, blah, blah, blah, as if that text never existed.

41:30Amy Wilson:And I think it was after we were engaged where I sat him down and said, what the heck was that text message? And he's like, oh, I don't remember sending it. What did it say? That would be too much mag for one weekend. And he's like, I think I was trying to make a joke. I think I was busy, but I thought instead of just saying I was busy, I would make this funny joke. And I was like, wow, first of all, not funny. Second of all, completely deranged and third of all like very mean he was gobsmacked by the fact that he's like i think my joke didn't come through i meant it in this funny funny way and i was like you're insane and i can't believe i'm marrying you i have two thoughts about this one is knowing your husband like acerbic wit cutting jokes are not in his not his forte not at all no not his forte If I had to name like 100 people I know who do that ever, he wouldn't be on that list.

42:23But the other thing is he was dating like a funny woman. Yes. You're a comedian. So he's like, let me try to be funny right now. And that's probably why he said something that really wasn't funny because he was trying to be funny. It went horrendously off the rails.

42:37Amy Wilson:I mean, we're here, but wow. I think his mouth just works faster than his brain and his texting fingers. Because the other huge crime that he committed similar to Gretchen's crime is that when I had my first baby, I went into labor very, very fast, woke up almost really deep in labor, took a shower. And by the end of the shower, I could barely walk. And we got out to the car and I was in the car. I couldn't even sit. I couldn't put my seatbelt on. I had to ride like kneeling on the seat and holding the back seat. Walked in. Laughing because it sounds familiar. Yep. And the doctor, I mean, we lived three minutes from the hospital.

43:12Amy Wilson:got there, walked in, started like throwing up in a garbage can that they had. And they were like, can you give us a urine sample? I was like, I need to lay down. Like I was screaming. I had my first baby. I didn't know what was going on. I laid down, the doctor came in and she was like, oh, there's the head. Like the head was out. Like I had a baby basically in the car and then somehow walked in, but I was in labor for like 45 minutes, but it was extremely frightening, overwhelming, painful, never got an epidural, which I was planning on. It was a wild, crazy birth, but it was 45 minutes and it was probably 20 minutes from the time I left my house to the time I was holding the baby.

43:48Amy Wilson:It was very, very fast. And I later heard my husband on the phone describing the birth to a friend of his as quote unquote, quick and easy. And I'm sure for him, it was pretty quick and easy. He was parking the car while I was giving birth, but he will literally never live that down. I mean, people in my family will still say to him like, was it quick and easy, David, when he does anything. And it's true. Watch what you say, gentlemen. This was, the sushi barbecue was not the best thing that happened to you this year. My birth was not quick and easy. And you do not ever make a joke that there is too much me.

44:22Okay. These things can and will be held against you in our court of law forever. For the length of your marriage. Amy,

44:30Amy Wilson:we have to close part one because we have to do a part two. We have 900 left to go and they're all so funny. Can't wait. But we just have to finish with the one that I know sticks in your craw. I just need to do one thing real quick. This has become a game for me. Like, are we ready to go? Like, yeah, I'm ready. And it's like, we're waiting. We're waiting for each other. I'm sure this happens in everybody else. Like, I'm ready. No, I'm ready. I've been ready. Right. And everybody's like off looking at their phones or using the bathroom or whatever. And nobody's by the door. Then everybody's like, I've been ready.

45:00But yes, my spouse has to be the last one. He doesn't want to be kept waiting. So if he's waiting while you grab your shoes, then all of a sudden he's going to take the garbage out or something. I don't know. So, and then when you are ready, is everybody ready? Yes. Let me just grab my other glasses. Like there's one more thing I have to do before I leave. Yes.

45:18Amy Wilson:Well, your support group about the protein powder, you can have a second support group with Sivanji who says rushing to get ready, rushing me to get ready. He's rushing her, rushing me to get ready and out the door. And then when I'm ready at the door, wait, I need to use the restroom. Why? With four exclamation points. I feel that why could have had 12 exclamation points. There's been some stuff I've been reading recently. I don't have the backup for those, but I'll see if I can find it for the show notes that you're not supposed to do a just-in-case bathroom try, which is definitely like family practice in my house.

45:55Like everybody has to go do a must-try. Like with kids, you're not supposed to. Just like before we leave for the airport, it might be an hour and 10 minutes to the airport. So let's all do must-tries. everybody has to go try to use the bathroom because I don't want to hear 15 minutes into our hour trip to the airport that you have to use the bathroom. Everybody go try. That you're not supposed to do that. That's not good for your bladder to like go try to use the bathroom preemptively before you leave the house.

46:14Amy Wilson:You've just rocked the universe with that statement. I mean, we better find backup for it because that is literally how we've all lived our lives forever. But yeah, Chevenger, I get it. And it's something about like, I can't quite leave yet. I need to do one more thing, which might be use the restroom. I mean, they might be like changing the hand towels on there, but they're just delaying departure a little longer. Friends, that's husband crimes. You're all guilty husbands. You're all convicted in our court of law. And we will be back with another episode of husband crimes because we have barely even scratched the surface of what you maniacs are out there doing.

46:50There's so much.

46:51Amy Wilson:Do you know that you could be watching us right now on YouTube? Come see many of our most favorite episodes streamed on YouTube. You can see us. Amy and I both have all white backgrounds today. You could be seeing that. Doesn't that sound thrilling? Come see us on YouTube. Search for What Fresh Health Podcast on YouTube and you will find us there. And with that, friends, thank you so much for listening. Thanks, everybody. Talk to you next time. Bye.

47:28Thank you.