Our Moms Were Totally Right About This

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18:06Amy Wilson:That's O-S-E-A Malibu dot com. Okay, we're back. Bethany says, and this is very similar to what I was just talking about, my mom was always right about which friends of mine could really be trusted. She didn't discourage me from being friends with anyone, but darn if she didn't have excellent intuition about who ended up not being great for me.

18:34Margaret Ables:Oh, my God. This is my mother with several of my boyfriends. And she would my mother was not a critical person like to the contrary. So if she said anything that was maybe not entirely positive, I would be in high dudgeon about that. But she was right. I love your use of high dudgeon. It's such a great expression. I had a boyfriend I brought home from college or came to visit over a break or whatever. And he just slept all the time. And And he was sleeping in our, you know, my family home. He was sleeping in my room. I, of course, was not. I was sleeping in the couch. Our guest was in my room.

19:05Margaret Ables:He was sleeping until like one, two o 'clock in the afternoon. Oh, that's mad. I would be outraged. And my mother was like, I just think that's a little strange to be doing in somebody else's house. It's rude. Doesn't matter. Right. And now I'm like, he's tired. It's bonkers. It's bonkers. Right. And she was right to gently point it out, perhaps. Yeah.

19:24Amy Wilson:Yeah. Yeah, this is it's so tricky because I do think as a reactive young person, my mom was so much smarter than I got. She and I fought like crazy. And our teenage years got a little out of control for both of us. And both of us would admit that my mom died eight years ago. So I forgot to say that the finale to my story is that once I left the house, my mom and I became incredibly, incredibly close. she was my like number one person in my life probably my confidant I just talked all my problems through with her she was amazing and we we were besties basically for the rest of my life after I graduated from college but she was very I had one boyfriend who I liked the drama you know I liked the crazy ride and so I tended to be in like volatile relationships because I thought that was fun and exciting.

20:18Amy Wilson:And at one point she said about a guy I was dating, she said, Oh, on again, off again is on again now. And it's just like a little. And then she said to me, I was talking to her and I said, yeah, you know, we're so in love and we're, you know, but there's these issues, but this and that I was talking it through with her. And she was like, yeah, I mean, And those are really hard things to decide. I guess what you just have to keep in mind is that today is the best day of your relationship ever. It's not ever going to get better than it is today. It truly was like a fall from the horse on the road to Damascus moment, which is a Catholic thing to say, but like a conversion experience.

21:01Amy Wilson:The minute she said it, I was like, this relationship is all when it gets better, I'm going to be happy. if today is the best day I'm done I can't do this and it was just the right line at the right time and it didn't say like you have to get away from this person it's bad for you this is not going to make you happy it just I mean it's really hard to sit and watch your kids make bad choices that you know are bad choices and not intervene I have a story on the other side of this which was I had

21:35Margaret Ables:a boyfriend in high school who was a perfectly nice guy, but I had gotten into school. I was going to go away to college. My thoughts were turning to the horizon beyond my hometown. I was kind of done with him, but it was a slow end because we had dated through most of high school. And he was picking me up so we could go out and talk. And I came down to the kitchen with wet hair, just sort of like it was combed, but which wet. I mean, it's just, we're just going to go for a drive and talk. I don't need. And my mom was like, why haven't you dried your hair? Now, this is the 80s. Okay. So there would usually be for a date, which I wasn't considering this a date, I guess, much more preparation.

22:12Margaret Ables:And I came down with wet hair. And my mother, who I said almost never had a hard time with anything I said or did, was like, dry your hair before he gets here. Don't go with him with wet hair. I think she just felt so bad for him that my indifferent... You were like, I don't even care enough to do the 80s updo for you. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. She felt so bad for this person that she intervened. I'm like, it doesn't matter. And I went out with wet hair and it didn't matter because we broke up. But anyway, I think in that case, it was like, you owe this person more than wet hair.

22:44Amy Wilson:My mother always told the story about a guy and it stuck with me so much that she had been out on a couple of dates. I mean, this was the like 50s. They would go out on dates.

22:56Margaret Ables:Yeah.

22:56Amy Wilson:Four or five dates with a guy. And then he stopped calling her. And she called him. And she was like, if we're breaking up, you have to take me out and tell me that to my face. And he did. And they were breaking up. And she was like, thank you very much. And then she went home. But I was so impressed by that story. Like, she just had a very strong core of, I will not be disrespected. And that's what got us in so much trouble. But I feel like in the end, that lesson really stayed with me. Now it's manifesting in my own problems with my own teenagers. But I think it has served me generally very well in life that I don't take a lot of nonsense from people.

23:38Amy Wilson:And it's like my mom would not let someone ghost her. She called him and was like, if you want to break up with me, let's make a plan. And you can say that to my face. Wow.

23:47Margaret Ables:Good for her. She was she was a bad one. Lisa has a good non-relationship related one. And Lisa says her mother told her, don't get drawer pulls in a bar style because your clothes will constantly get stuck on them. I rolled my eyes when she told me this, when I put them on all my cabinets eight years ago. And every day since, my sleeves and jackets and sweaters and robes and shirts get stuck on these drawer pulls. And I'm reminded that my mother was right. Oh, God, those are so funny, those ones.

24:15Amy Wilson:Like, you just do it to spite them. And you're like, now I have spited myself. Spote? spiting i have i have spidey myself for the rest of time but you know what she's talking about it's like the drawer pulls rather than being like a rounded drawer pull it's a bar that sticks out

24:36Margaret Ables:on either yeah a little extra on the end little extra on the end don't do it guys yeah yeah oh my gosh the desk i'm sitting at right now has these so now now that i know that things can get stuck on them lisa for better or worse i'm gonna hate these door pulls as well my mother was always

24:50Amy Wilson:big on like, and I think this is right. And I have now come around to this as an older person, buy a few good things versus a closet full of junk. You know, she, this is my mom. That sweater is going to pill. That was her. And then the sweater would start pilling. I'd be like, it's mom's fault. It's pilling. It's like, no, it's not her fault that it's pilling. It's your fault that you ignored her.

25:15Margaret Ables:Tracy says that her mother was right about making a decision and moving forward. Once a decision is made, don't look back. Focus on solving the problem or achieving the goal. Don't waste energy on wondering what if or did I make the right decision because it just slows down your progress and burns up mental bandwidth. Tracy says, in my teens, early 20s, this was very hard for me to do and it drove me nuts when she would say it, but boy, was she ever right. This is your advice.

25:41Amy Wilson:We talked about on an episode about best advice. One of the pieces of best advice that you were given was make the choice you made the right choice.

25:51Margaret Ables:Yeah, make the decision. I was trying to decide as a young actor whether I should spend a second year doing like national touring stuff or like move to New York and, you know, go for it. Yeah. And I was talking to an actor, a working actor, who was just always smoking a cigarette and sort of bitter. So not an uplifting personality, but he was like... Not making amazing choices. Yeah, yeah. Maybe not making amazing choices himself, but was a working actor. And he said, you just make a decision And then you make that decision, the right decision to have made.

26:19Amy Wilson:That is really good advice, though, because I find my father has an expression, never judge a crossroads. Like you don't know when anything happens to you that's good or bad. I will say some of this advice, very hard to hear at the moment. You know, I remember kind of as my writing career was falling apart and the wheels were really falling off the wagon. And I took two years out and I wrote a screenplay that I worked on for like 30 hours a week. I mean, it was a full time job for me for two years. And I then submitted it to this kind of lab thing that I knew the people involved with. And I was like, this is the next step for me.

27:00Amy Wilson:And I was just so sure that this was going to be it. And then it didn't happen. I got rejected and then like nothing ever happened with it. And then a very similar movie came out pretty quickly. And like that whole project died. And I do look back at that as a crossroads that really changed my life for the better. In some ways, let me to do the podcast. Like, yeah, but the day it happens is not when you're ready to hear. Like, that's true. Like, if I could go back now, I honestly say if I could press a button and that screenplay got made and I would not press that button, like I would not actually do it.

27:38Amy Wilson:I couldn't have seen it at the time and I wasn't ready for the advice.

27:41Margaret Ables:Right. Well, that was a decision that was made for you. But even so, you made that decision a good decision by going in another direction. It's funny. This podcast was that for me, too. Like, I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm going to do this instead. Yeah. Because I thought it would be what has turned out to be at all. It just seemed like it was time to lean into something new.

27:58Amy Wilson:I mean, it's facile because then also together professionally and in other parts of my personal life, you know, I've made decisions that I was like, oh, this will be good. And it turned out kind of disastrously like it. There's no guarantee that the path you take is the right path. You know, it's just that you got to keep going and kind of try to make it the right path, no matter what happens. Tiffany says that her mom's advice was that she shouldn't have married her first husband. So many parallels to my first marriage and my mom's first marriage. But when you're young and you assume, you know, I felt like mine was different.

28:35Amy Wilson:My mom saw all the signs. I learned a lot. But looking back, she totally saw the writing on the wall. This is such a hard one as a parent. I mean, right. Right. Think about the mom in this. And I've seen it happen. I mean, it's what's her face, Harry and Meghan, right? Like that family was like, don't marry this actress lady for whatever crazy reasons they had. And they obviously just bombed the whole family by doing that. You know, I know a lot of people who have been in marriages where the parents thought this is a really, really bad choice. advice and if you say something it's going to go terribly and if you don't say something you're going to wonder if you should have said something but love is a many splendor thing but love is a tricky game you know i don't know even what i would advise someone to do in this situation

29:26Margaret Ables:i'm thinking about the advice i have heard you give over the years that you get sort of three tough conversations with your in-laws and then this is another one too like if you really think your kid is maybe about to marry the wrong person, you can have that conversation, maybe. Once. It's a weighty conversation, but if they do get married, then you don't get to be like, so sit down. Let's have another sit down. I don't think you should rush into having kids. This is a break glass in case of emergency thing that you can't be casual about. And if you're the kind of person who disagrees with every decision they make, it's too late.

30:02Margaret Ables:You can't have this conversation.

30:04Amy Wilson:Yeah. And I unfortunately think sometimes this is a this can't be fixed, you know? I mean, it's just love is so hard because when you're feeling it and then you're feeling defensive, I mean, the conversation of like, OK, I'm dating this troubled guy. Everyone around me is like, that guy is trouble. And I'm like, no, no, he's troubled. And I am solving that problem. and I am the one to fix it, it just, I don't know what to say. I will say my mom did a great job with that one line. This is the best day you'll ever have. Just remember that. Don't think of potential. Just say to yourself, if today was what it looks like forever, is that what you want in a partner?

30:48Amy Wilson:That was good advice.

30:50Margaret Ables:Joss's mom, this is good advice. The first five years with little kids, Joss's mom said, we'll be the hardest on your marriage. Be kind to each other. Work as a team, prioritize that primary relationship, and everyone will benefit. I like this advice, and I feel like I did it a little differently, which is just like, no harm, no foul, see you in a couple years. Our relationship is not the priority right now, and you're not a bad person, neither am I. We're just feeling water here.

31:12Amy Wilson:I feel like my in-laws gave me this advice, and it was helpful that the primary relationship in the household is between the mother and the father, or the mother and the mother, or the father and the father. The primary relationship is between the parents, and that anything that gets in the way of that makes everything worse in the household. And I think sometimes we lose sight and it's like, well, we have to be jerks to each other because the kids need us so much. And that reframing that, that the most important relationship, the thing that will affect your children's lives the most is the relationship between their parents.

31:52Amy Wilson:And just thinking about that framing, I think, could be helpful. but easier said than done.

31:57Margaret Ables:Yeah.

31:58Amy Wilson:All right. We have even more answers to things our moms were right about when we get back. Okay.

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33:10Amy Wilson:You know, every parent can relate to being out of some crucial item and facing the horrible prospect of getting all the kids into the car to the grocery store to pick up more. And it's like, how badly, Amy, do I actually really need or want that milk?

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33:48Amy Wilson:Or here's another one. Toddler's got a cough and you realize you're out of Motrin. Or maybe you had a diaper blowout. Uh-oh, used the last one this morning. I mean, I'm not saying it's happened to me, Amy, but DoorDash.

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34:34Amy Wilson:And now, things you say in your 20s versus things you say in midlife.

34:39Margaret Ables:From the What Fresh Help podcast. Twenties. I drank too many shots of Goldschlager and it is the worst decision I've ever made. Midlife. I drink a cup of coffee after 2 p.m. and it's the worst decision I've ever made. Twenties. I hope this boy likes me. I wonder how I could adapt every part of who I am. Midlife. I'm going to the grocery store in my pajamas. If folks don't like it, they don't like get too bad.

35:07Amy Wilson:20s.

35:08Margaret Ables:I have a headache. I should drink some water. Midlife. I have a headache. I have Googled headache. I will surely be dead within the year. 20s. How can I get people to notice me? Midlife. How can I get literally everyone on earth never to speak to me again? 20s. Oh, I hurt myself running that half marathon. Midlife.

35:29Amy Wilson:Oh, I hurt myself folding laundry. This has been Things You Say in Your 20s versus Things You Say in Midlife. from the What Fresh Hell podcast.

35:41Amy Wilson:Michelle has a good one. She says, maybe not the answer you're looking for, but she always knew which note I was playing wrong on the piano and how to fix it. She was a professional musician and I have vivid memories of hearing her yell across the house, it's a flat, which I grumbled and rolled my eyes and told her she couldn't know without looking at the music. Spoiler alert, it was indeed a flat.

36:04Margaret Ables:Wow that'd be hard to be learning to play the piano with a parent who's a professional musician For both this mom was probably like I didn't yell half of the things I wanted to yell but I had to

36:13Amy Wilson:yell when she was actually playing a wrong note yeah this is another tricky thing when you're the parent I was determined that my life only had one outcome Madonna part two that was what I wanted to be a pop star I wanted to be was this before or after the clown college idea this was before during and after. Clown college was a step on my way to becoming Madonna. I mean, sure. I would be on the world stage as a clown and then I would be discovered. The only problem with my other eyes miraculous plan. I was funny. I could have, I could have thrived at clown college. Sure. I could have thrived as a clown.

36:50Amy Wilson:I could not sing a note and I would constantly make my parents sit down and be like, let me sing this song for you. And my mother was so funny. I can picture her face And she's like, have you thought about a song that has a little bit more patter in it? Patter being like, oh, I know you're getting married and someone's getting married. Like a song that basically isn't singing. And it was such a funny thing to say. Have you thought about a song with more patter? Like you cannot hit any of these notes and you sound like a cat being tortured.

37:19Margaret Ables:Patter is like, I am the very model of a modern major general. Right. I could have nailed that song.

37:24Amy Wilson:That's right. That's exactly. It's basically talking. I was like, oh, no, no, no. This one is great for me. memory like I mean and she was like oh geez it can be tough can be a really tough thing

37:37Margaret Ables:Dina's mother was right when she said eat something you'll feel better I love this advice

37:43Amy Wilson:my mother when I would get hysterical and my mother used to say one thing about you you'll never know the simple joy of an unexpressed emotion because it's true I would be like I'm great. I'm terrible. I'm angry. I mean, I was, you know, all over the place. And she would always, when I would call with crazy nonsense that I was, you know, mad about for the 400th time, she would always say, I think a bath, go take a hot bath. That was her answer. You know what? It wasn't bad advice.

38:11Margaret Ables:I was really cranky yesterday. It was a cold day. I'd been stuck inside. I looked at the weather and it was going to get like worse still over the next couple of days. And I made myself go for a walk. I mean, no percent of me wanted to go for a long walk.

38:23Amy Wilson:You were like that eagle, you know, that eagle meme who's like, here I am taking my stupid walk for my stupid mental health.

38:30Margaret Ables:Or like Bernie Sanders with the mittens on. Yeah, that was me. Like, this will not fix my mood, I thought. And I totally was different. I had a perfectly fine day when I got back. Yeah, that sun on your face does it every time. Yes, it's true.

38:44Amy Wilson:Danielle says that she definitely did not need to wear tiny shorts, push-up bras, etc. in middle school as a mom of a preteen. I understand now. Man, do I understand.

38:57Margaret Ables:Yeah, I know.

38:59Amy Wilson:They rush it. I mean, believe me, seen and heard. I struggle with this one, too. I definitely do not like to police what young women wear. I think that they should be able to dress to express themselves. but I've landed kind of at spaces and places that if you're going out with like a bunch of girlfriends to a local place you know to the diner for lunch you can wear a bikini top and hot pants if you want to because you're in town it's fine but when you're going to the mall and it's not fair I don't want to be like you have to dress so that you don't attract male attention but when a teen of mine is going to the mall in an outfit that is just so revealing and the biggest problem I think is like it makes sometimes a 13 year old look like a 21 year old and it's just like you are going to attract problematic attention which is not really your fault and you kind of should be able to wear what you want, but you can't wear that bra to the mall.

40:12Margaret Ables:Yeah. And the other spaces and places for me is like the homecoming dress thing. I don't know if you've gotten to that yet, but there's preposterous. They're just, they're so, they're just shirts. They're tops. They're wearing tops as dresses. It's so hard to hold your tongue and not say anything. But I do take heart in, okay, you're with 10 other girls who are also wearing shirts as dresses.

40:33Amy Wilson:Yeah. I think if you're in a safe space, I think you should be able to wear whatever you want with a group expectations are there but yes I mean and also for our point of view I still go into a store and I'm like look at how cute this is and it's got like bows and like you know it's like a sailor suit kind of thing I mean it's not quite that bad but you know what I mean it's like adorable and then my teen is like in the strippers rs section with like a you know velvet thing that comes down to the belly button and up and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I did hear, I was looking at something last night and somebody was like, it was a Reddit thread.

41:14Amy Wilson:It's almost like, should I wear this for a first date? And it was like a bikini top and a skirt with a very, very high slit. And somebody was like cleavage, belly button or slit. You have to choose one, not all three. I try to maybe go with that rule a little bit, Like choose one, maybe not all three at the same time. I'm going to say we are totally right about this. And it doesn't mean we're going to get away. And I do think you have to. I don't want my I don't want to give my daughters the idea that like I only have one daughter, but I don't want to give our daughters the idea that like you have to dress in baggy clothes because men can't control themselves.

41:52Amy Wilson:It's a tricky one. It's a tricky one. Heather says her mom was right about making lists. Used to make fun of her. Lists everywhere. the counter, the bedroom, paper tape to the front door. Now, as an adult, I realized I would remember absolutely nothing without making lists. They are on my phone, not handwritten, but still essential. Oh, boy. She's singing your song right here. That's right.

42:15Margaret Ables:Write it down. Just put it down somewhere and then you don't have to worry about remembering it in your head. Heather's mom is right about this. Yeah.

42:22Amy Wilson:This is a good one, too. Mariana, I now have nieces and nephews who are going through job searches. She said, I finally learned through the years what my mom tried to teach me when I was looking for my very first job. Job searching or anything worth pursuing takes consistency. It's not enough to simply fill out an application and just expect an employer to reach out. You need to be annoying. Call back. Show them you're dedicated. Show up. Call. Follow up. Try explaining that to my awkward, shy teenage self with phone anxiety. Oh, how far I've come. Thanks, mom, for putting up with me through that one.

42:58Margaret Ables:Oh, my God. I am Mariana's mom in this situation. I am in it. And it is so hard. Our kids are so dishabituated from making phone calls, especially to strangers, right? The following up. They don't read etiquette of things. And one of my kids just got looped in on an email for something they had applied to, got looped in by another adult who's trying to help them out. And the way this kid was reading it is like, so now the employer is supposed to reach out. I'm like, no, you were supposed to say thanks so much for looping. It's like I really had to script what was supposed to happen because it's like it's like a Japanese tea ritual or something.

43:33Margaret Ables:Like my kid is just completely at sea as to what is going to happen next. And also because I'm suggesting it's a bad idea, whatever. But it is. Yeah, I'm in it. I'm in it, Mariana. Deep in it. All right.

43:42Amy Wilson:Are you ready for speed round? Yeah, sure. If it cries, hug it. I'm glad you love your husband, but keep your own money stashed away. Screw the PTA moms. love is a choice initially it's something wild and crazy but then life happens day-to-day monotony you gotta choose to love the person still and finally and i should just have a button on my forehead that you can press that says this 400 times a day wear sunscreen these young girls come to my they i take them shopping they want to go to you know sephora ulta and buy lotions and potions. And I'm like, girls, here's what you need. First of all, you're 13 years old.

44:24Amy Wilson:Like, is your anti-aging stuff supposed to make you look 11? Like, what are we doing? Right. And I have told them and I tell the checkout people, don't sell them stuff with acid and other stuff. They're not supposed to be using it. Sunscreen is the only beauty product you need at 13. And let me tell you, I am that person who comes home, just had, you can't see it because I put makeup on it, a big thing burned off my face right there, have a big scar right here on my arm where I had a cancer removed. And believe me, I come marching home and I'm like, you see this? Yes. Sunscreen. I'm a sunscreen maniac.

45:02Amy Wilson:It's really pleasant being one of my kids, as you can tell.

45:05Margaret Ables:I wish that kids were OK with listening to other people's moms, although they kind of are. They are more so because the lady says it is more so than you say it. Yeah. Tell them that the lady said, I just read and I wish that my mom had told me this. I'm going to be my own mom telling me this. And my kid, as far as skincare, if it goes on your face, it goes on your hands. Like that's how you keep the backs of your hands looking pretty good. I miss that memo, guys. Too late for me.

45:33Amy Wilson:But yeah, maybe some other people. I mean, at least these girls are not sitting out with a giant. I wonder if they still sell these things. Do you think they still sell? Yeah, like a science fair trifold. Yeah, a science fair trifold with a cutout for your chest. And you would hold it and reflect the sun directly onto your face. And then you would put baby oil on your face to get even more sun. So at least the kids are not doing that anymore. But still, sunscreen people. And this other one, I just saw a really funny tweet. that said, I called my grandma with my husband on the phone to brag that I got a big job.

46:15Amy Wilson:And she was so excited on the phone. And then we hung up and five minutes later, she called me back and was like, open your own bank account and start saving that money. And I just I think that a lot of moms and a lot of grandmas have been like, you know what? Love is great, but have your own bank account. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't do it, I have to say. But I love grandma who's like, oh, my God, wonderful, honey. You two must be so happy. And then calls back and is like, don't tell your husband and open a secret bank account.

46:48Margaret Ables:Amazing. Amazing job, grandma. I loved this one. We love getting suggestions from our listeners about what you want to hear us do episodes about next. We love that. And we often take your advice. There's a bunch of ways you can tell us. You can send us an email, info at whatfreshhealthpodcast.com. You can DM us on Instagram. You can post it in our Facebook group, facebook.com slash groups slash whatfreshhealthcast. You can leave us a comment on Spotify. I mean, there's a lot of ways you can reach us. Carry or Pigeon, we'll listen to all of them. We love feedback from all of you.

47:21Amy Wilson:Sit very quietly in a room and mentally send us the idea. You could try that.

47:26Margaret Ables:You never know, guys. You never know. Never know.

47:29Amy Wilson:With that, thanks for responding. Thanks for listening. You can find the thread with all of these answers, including the ones we didn't get to, at our Facebook group. And we will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening. Thanks, everybody.

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