Overfunctioning

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1:01Hello, everyone, and welcome to What Fresh Hell? Laughing in the face of motherhood. This is Margaret. And this is Amy. Today we're talking about over-functioning, what that actually means, how it shows up. Is it because of anxiety? Is it the same thing as anxiety? Or is there a little daylight between the two? I'm ready to talk about that. But first, mailbag. This was from an anonymous person in our Facebook group. It says, love Margaret and Amy, love the podcast. I honestly think it helped me to stay sane-ish in my motherhood journey. I feel like there are a lot of efforts made to be inclusive when talking about parents, i.e.

1:36acknowledging that not all couples are male-female. But as a single mom, basically solo parent, I often feel like there's a general assumption that everyone has a partner. I feel like a lot of parenting advice in general is basically just have your partner help you more. There are a lot of us out here doing it alone, and it would be nice to feel more acknowledged of this group's existence and plight sometimes. Saying this with all the moral neutrality and love and sincere gratitude for this show. We haven't talked about this until now. I thought that this was really useful. Thanks for noticing.

2:08We do try to be inclusive with our language because we think it matters and we do try to get it right most of the time. And yet I feel like there's a difference between, yes, we can assume that not everybody is married to their partner or has a partner of the opposite sex, but the lived experience of you and me is still parenting with a partner. And so I think sometimes it's hard. It's easier to remember that not everybody's parenting partner is the opposite gender than to remember that not everybody has a parenting partner because that's just outside my lived experience. Do you know what I'm saying?

2:36Absolutely. And I think that when we talk about what works for us, that often does involve our partners, but it's a really good reminder that as we're researching and coming up with solutions in the third part of our show, as we like to do, to be aware that if all of those solutions are predicated on someone having a partner in the house, we have to keep looking. Because our default is having a partner. And it's like, oh, right, I could just go on Tuesday and have my partner watch the kids. everybody has a default in their operating system. And our default is being partnered. It's your water. Yeah.

3:17The reason we started these Fresh Take interviews, 300 plus interviews ago is you and I, we were getting like, you should do a show about this, you should do a show about that. And we're like, I don't know how to talk about raising kids while you have breast cancer, to use an example. So let's start to bring on guests that can speak specifically to experiences that we don't have. And I think sometimes our guests do that. And sometimes they're just a topic we find really interesting. But we have tried to do that. We have had some episodes with single parents. And I do think this is something we can continue to do in our Fresh Take episodes and really think about how can we bring to the table lived experiences that are not like our own.

3:54Yeah. First of all, we're going to link to a bunch of our solo parenting episodes. Second of all, please keep giving us feedback because we do have a lot of resources to find people to address things that people want to hear about. It's true. I like that anonymous was so kind. I really love the podcast and I'm giving this feedback, but we accept feedback. Don't ever be shy about saying, Hey, I haven't heard this addressed and it would be meaningful to me to hear an address. Cause first of all, we can make an effort to address things more as we're recording the podcast, as we're doing research for solutions.

4:29And also we can find people on our fresh takes to speak to experiences that are helpful to our audience. So thank you, Anonymous. We appreciate you. So today I want to talk about over-functioning and anxiety and whether they are two sides of the same coin, you over-function because you're anxious and you're anxious because you over-function, or if it's not that simple. And I got this idea from reading Kate Mann's Substack, which is called More to Hate. It's amazing. She's a feminist philosopher. And she wrote a substat called In Defense of Mom Anxiety, which we'll talk about. But even in the comments for that, talk about good feedback.

5:08A lot of people in the comments were like, are you talking about anxiety or are you just talking about functioning as the default parent? I'm going to need a definition of overfunctioning because I've actually never heard that term before. So I'm very interested. I tried to sell it as the subtitle for my book, Happy to Help. But they were like, yeah, that's not really a word, though. I Overfunctioner, the most basic definition is somebody who does a lot, as in too much. They take on too much responsibility for other people's tasks, feelings, and problems. That's the definition of an overfunctioner.

5:42It's usually defined as you're taking on your colleague's work or double-checking your colleague's work to prevent mistakes in the workplace. You're doing things you don't really have to do. My son is an overfunctioning pickleball player. He hits every ball that comes over the net when playing doubles. And I'm like, sir, that was not your ball to hit. It was coming right to me and you jumped in the way. Like he's running in front of me where I'm standing to hit the ball. Is that what an overfunctioner is doing? I think it's a judgy McJudge a lot thing that is said about women and not about men.

6:14Like you're doing too much. You're just like you're too busy. You think you have to sign up for everything. You think you have to do everything. And yes, you are sometimes doing too much for the people around you and you should do less. And the over-functioning is a function of your anxiety, that you're such a perfectionist and you're such a high performer that you think everything has to be perfect all the time. And so therefore you have to do it all. And so you over-function. Well, I definitely suffer from any problem I hear. I am the solution to. And I recently had somebody in my life who was having some cramping and we realized it was due to dehydration.

6:52And my first reaction is to ship that person like this Amish anti-cramp cream that's supposed to be good. This thing that you drink, electrolytes, bottles of water. Like I do go crazy being like I am the solution to that person's dehydration. And I do think in those situations I am over the line in pickleball. Like I am hitting a ball that is coming to someone else. And maybe it's like, because I certainly do this with people I love too. like, oh, you have trouble driving at night. So there's these cool night driving glasses that if you send them the right thing from Amazon, then you won't have to worry about it at three in the morning anymore.

7:30I very much in the case that I'm talking about, I'm extremely clear for myself on the connection between my anxiety and my shipping anti dehydration items, because I feel a strong need to do something and perhaps there's not much to do. So in that sense, I can really identify with over-functioning. I cannot hear somebody say, no matter how disconnected they are from me, my lease is up at the end of the month and I don't know where I'm going to move next. I'm like, I'll put it on Facebook. It's hard for me to hear somebody express a problem and not put myself in the center. And I recently knew somebody in my life who was having a problem.

8:15And I reached out to some people who I thought could help with the problem. And I was kind of shocked that they were like, yeah, that's a sticky problem. Huh? Yeah. And you're like, you get to do that? I just could not imagine that there was a person that I would reach out to and say, here's a problem. And they wouldn't be like, let me stop everything and dedicate myself to this person you're telling me about who I don't know is problem. Right. And that was a huge revelation to me that that option is available to some people's brains. But I think that, okay, this is all true. And yet I think that when it comes to parenting, to being the default parent, no matter what your gender is, or whether you have a parenting partner or not, if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably the default parent.

8:57And if you're the default parent, there are seasons in which you are over-functioning because you have no choice. And before we were recording, You gave me a perfect example of like, you were over functioning this weekend. You did more than any person should do in a weekend. And I feel like I have been doing the same. And we were like, oh, my God, I had to do this. And then this other thing happened. And this broke. And then the phone rang. And that sort of level of like, this is objectively insane and too much for one person to do. But I did it. And then I went to bed at nine o 'clock. That those seasons are not you being a nosy neighbor that thinks you have to fix everybody's problems, but you having just a bunch of stuff dumped on your doorstep at the same time.

9:34I think we all have seasons of that as default parents. Oh, absolutely. When you have even one child, multiple children, there are times where three kids are graduating the same weekend as someone else's soccer tournament, as your parents' 80th birthday celebration. And there are always going to be times when having children means you have to overfunction to survive. Right. So Kate Mann, her essay was called In Defense of Mom Anxiety. We'll link it in the show notes like we always do. And she felt like that she does have this, she called it mom anxiety. Then was sort of like, well, maybe it's more over-functioning.

10:12But she argued that the pandemic made us all more vigilant, especially parents. For me, definitely, absolutely, like it did. I had a very sick kid. And so for all of us, that vigilance was required. It was useful. It protected our family members from worse outcomes. We were all taking on more than we could handle, right? We were all over-functioning as teacher, chief cook and bottle washer and for everybody around us while making it seem like everything was going to be fine. It was an intense time that a lot of us parented through. And so she was like, did we all maybe stay a tick more over-functioning because of that experience?

10:50Like, have we really settled back to where we need to be? She says, now my over-functioning is more every day. And she says, do I wish I devoted a little less brain space to ensuring that my family members don't experience even small inconveniences? Yes. But do they benefit immensely from my anxious labor? Also, yes. This is a super good point because I think there are periods where we do a lot of overfunctioning, but then it carves out a groove where everyone else's water starts to flow. Yes. And then it's a little bit hard to be like, this tributary is now dammed up and not available anymore.

11:26Like we do clear pathways, but then everyone starts walking on the pathways. And then it's like, I guess I got to keep this pathway clear now because people are using it. It is a little bit cyclical and difficult. And she's exactly right. Yes, you're doing too much. and yes, everyone has gotten really used to how much you're doing. And if you stop doing it, it's going to have effects. Yes. Now over-functioning, the reason that we do it is to like assuage a little bit of anxiety that we have. Like I'm going to pack extra sunscreen in case you run out so you don't get a burn like you got two years ago when we didn't bring any, right?

12:08That over-functioning, we do little bits of it to reduce our family members' inconveniences, but also to keep them safe in small ways. Take a bar because soccer practice is going to run late tonight. I want you to be okay. And that assuages anxiety in the moment. But then the more you take on, the more you've taken on, which increases anxiety. Yeah. And I can definitely agree that a lot of this is the way that modern women function for reasons. I think putting a big check next to that. Women are so annoying with the way they do everything, but we're also benefiting from women's labor. Agree. But I think the part of it that we can control is continuing to connect anxiety to behavior and make sure that it's working for us.

12:54Because I do think that when I am anxious, I flip on, I can solve everything for everybody, and then I don't have to be anxious. And that way madness lies. I have a related corollary to that, which is that I am hyper rational and overachieving. And that can make other people feel anxious. You know, when it's like, you just need to do these 36 things right now, and then you're gonna be ready to go to college. This is easy. I've done all the work. We're just gonna do this. We're gonna pack these five things in this box, and we're gonna go. And then it's like, slow down. You're making me so anxious.

13:29I'm like, I'm not feeling anxious, but I've made you feel anxious by insisting that this is the most efficient way. and we should just get to it without any further delay, that that is not something that makes other people feel less anxious either, as it turns out. That's super interesting. And I have yet another example of that that I will share when we get back from this break. Okay, folks, for the first time ever, I have a kid who is truly out of the house. I can't wait up for a teenager to come home who doesn't even live at my home or answer my texts. I don't need an FBI surveillance fan. I just need signs of life, Amy.

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17:55Oh, Chris Fleming. Chris Fleming. We'll link to the sketch that I'm talking. It's called Companies Coming, but he just is playing the mom being like, get rid of these pillows. There's a dent in the couch. We can't let people know we sit. He just captures so perfectly basically what would start happening in my house at one or two o 'clock in the afternoon on Sundays. It used to drive me crazy. I remember just looking at my mom's anxiety around this clean that would happen before people would show up on Sunday and thinking, and she would be baking the roast and then this had to go in at the right time.

18:31And I remember thinking when I'm older, I'm never doing this. I'm just going to serve pizza when people come over. It's not worth this level of anxiety to put on this dinner and being really judgmental of it and very dismissive of it and being like, this will never be me. Cut to 2026, when I am now the host of the Sunday dinner to which various and sundry members of the family come. And I don't serve pizza. And I am anxious about it and running around and being like, I need help. Here I am living out my destiny. I do have people over to a much less clean house than my mother did. You know, my standard of Sometimes I'm like, listen, people are getting ready for camp or whatever.

19:18There's suitcases in the hallway. Like you're going to just have to deal with that. I have changed the level, but the anxiety is real. Like people come over expecting to eat a good meal. It's very interesting to see it from the other side because people do expect me to overfunction to get a meal on the table every Sunday night for whoever happens to need a meal. And also you're annoying. And also I'm annoying. Yes, exactly. Sorry, mom. I get it now. This is it. And then we've all been that kid and now we are all that parent. But the things you're worrying about aren't arbitrary. Like dinners in half an hour and the oven isn't even preheated yet is not like made up.

19:57At the end of the day, at any given Sunday, I am putting a dinner on for at least seven and up to 12 people every single Sunday. And that is good for everybody. It's kin keeping work that everybody benefits. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so joyous to do it. Even if it's just taking Chinese food on paper plates, there has to be somewhere for everyone's butt to go. It has to be clean enough for people to feel safe and comfortable. And there has to be enough food for five to 12 people, which is a lot of people. That's right. Instead of like, oh, I guess I better really help. She seems stressed, it turns into, here she goes again.

20:38To use Kate Mann's terms, it's pathologized as a female psychological flaw. You're doing too much. I guess somebody else could have dinner this Sunday. Anyone? Anyone? Hello? It's your Martha and Mary story from the Bible. Martha is keeping the fires and feeding the people, and Mary is sitting and actually listening to Jesus's testimony. And the idea is like, what a drag Martha is. Anyway, is there any more of that stew, Martha? And it's like, wait a minute. Exactly. Martha and stop being so annoying. Martha, you annoying hag. Try to relax and just listen to the word. And also my wine jug is empty.

21:18Martha, you fool. Yeah. And I do think a lot of what we do like is having people over for dinner on Sundays. Is that optional? I guess yes, it is. But it's important. And it's something that everybody benefits from or at night being like, shoot, the family wedding in two weeks, who needs new shoes? I think this one needs new shoes. This one definitely needs new shoes. Maybe this one can wear that one's shoes. That's definitely over functioning to be thinking of that in the middle of the night because that's when you have time to do it. But it doesn't mean it doesn't need to happen. No, it does need to happen.

21:49And it needs to be you. Now, I could stop doing family dinners at any time. Nobody would blame me. But I like doing family dinners. I moved close to family because my neurons are lit up by connection to family. I like that. I would have a dinner party every night if I could. You know, I mean, to me, a loud long table is the greatest gift of being a human being. But it does take some work. So it's like you chose this. I chose it. I acknowledge that I chose it. There's always the thing of like, what if you just stopped doing it? Okay. What if you just stopped doing it? Your kid would probably show up in dirty sneakers to the wedding, which would not be the end of the world.

22:35But people would be like, is something wrong with Amy? All of her kids are in weird, dirty sneakers. I'll give you another example, which is the gift giving for the in-laws. I feel like most women go through this. You realize that your spouse has not bought a gift for their mother's birthday in the last five years. And you're like, wait, this is insane. I can't buy something for my own mother. And then your mom just doesn't get anything. So I'm going to remind you to get a gift for your mother. And then you're not going to get a gift for your mother. So I'm going to buy a gift for your mother and wrap it and send it.

23:07And then like 10 years in, you start looking at your life, what can I do less of? Why am I buying a grown man's gift for his mother? I'm going to stop doing that. But then what happens? Your husband isn't going to start doing it. So now what? Well, your kid isn't going to write a thank you to the soccer coach that was amazing and had four years of a really wonderful experience, unless you remind them to do it seven times. And then maybe you need to write a thank you note, lest this person's very hard work go completely unacknowledged. You're the backstop. Yeah. Cape Man says it's the anxiety of being the backstop.

23:41Like you are the backstop. And everybody thinks so. That's not imaginary. You are going to be judged if there's no presence for certain people, if things go unacknowledged, if dirty sneakers get worn to the wedding, like you are the backstop. The buck does stop with you. And so that's where this comes from. In fairness, it is a vicious just cycle. You are playing a part in it. You know what I mean? Our inability to let go of things we have created can get in our own way. This is like your law of holiday attrition. All this digital stuff, how are we not getting more efficient? If AI is taking over everything, why don't I have more time in the day?

24:21There are a million things that are sending you the message you're not doing enough for everybody all the time. You could have an elf on the shelf, which is a magical thing in the holidays. And you could make burlap, newspaper-wrapped oldie timey that all match under your tree. There's a million new tributaries being carved out every second by other people saying, you could be doing so much more. And I do think the buck also stops with us saying, for the month that I'm having my foot surgery, I will not be able to host Sunday dinner. What plan can we make? We do have to stop the tributaries as well, whether or not that's fair.

25:03I have this month, we just moved my youngest child to college and it was right after I finished a big job of my own. So we really only had like, my last show was on a Sunday night and we left like Friday at dawn. So that's all the time we had. And this kid had not really started. And so I, you know, cleared the schedule. And it was true. Like whenever anything else tried to come in, maybe we should think about this. Maybe we should clean up this closet. I was definitely able to be like, no, no, we're doing one thing. One thing. Don't talk to me about that. Don't talk to me about Christmas. Don't talk to me about November.