Tween and Teen Crimes

21:52Anyway, you'll just take an Uber home from this. It's about 20 minutes. Well, it's not 20 minutes. It's like 70 minutes. And there's no ubers because it's in a more rural part of the northeast more rural than i'd realize anyway like somebody else's mom that i didn't even know had to drive her like all the way back way further than it was supposed to be and i made her write an old-fashioned handwritten thank you note to this stranger somebody else's mom who had made her like surprise you're driving somebody home

22:18Amy Wilson:65 minutes each way because she doesn't have a ride i know i'm not supposed to be fair to the teens during teen crimes. I do think this is a developing skill. Like they really don't think they're like bowling. I'm going to jump in your mouth. We once got the most trouble I ever got in my entire life. My grandmother used to live on the water on the Long Island Sound and we would go to her house for the summers. And at one point, my brother and sister and I were on the beach and friends of ours pulled up in a boat and we ran in the water and swam out to their boat. And then they like took us away and we were like this is the best thing that's ever happened and of course my parents 20 minutes later were like where are our children and we had just I mean it was way before cell phones no location track right we just were like this will be fun let's go on a boat and we were gone for like four hours and when that boat came into the harbor my mother and father were waiting for us with my uncle my godfather who was not one to be messed with and he said I hope you enjoyed that outing, guys, because that's your last one for a long time.

23:27Amy Wilson:And we but the thing is, we did not think that we had done anything wrong. We were like, yo, a boat. Let's swim out to it. And I do think the kids are like, yeah, let's go bowling. And then five of them get there and they look at each other and say, whose mom's picking us up? Yeah. My kid goes, not my mom. That's all I know. Right. Like that whole like their frontal lobes aren't formed. I'm like, oh, I can really see it. I've heard that hundreds of times. Whatever. But it's really true in moments like that. I mean, you can literally see it. And I do think, I definitely remember. Because it is crazy that I will say to one of my kids, okay, but if you take that package of cookies out of the kitchen, just don't leave the wrapper on the couch.

24:10Amy Wilson:And they're like, got it. And five minutes later, I walk out and they're gone and the wrapper's on the couch. And I'm like, ah! And you can feel like a monster and a lunatic at the same time. But it is funny how they really are not that functional, these kids. No, they're not functional in weird ways. All right, let's move on to paradoxes. There's so many paradox style teen and tween crimes. Gemma's tween has an entire closet of clothes, rejects it all because they have nothing to wear, and then wears the same thing to school multiple days, including sleeping in it, and just rolls through. I have made my peace after a couple of dark nights of the soul that I don't care if my kids go to school in pajamas.

24:54Amy Wilson:And I mean, I do think it's a big trend right now. And I remember when my kids were even younger, I would just be like, was it pajama day at school? Oh, was it pajama day at school? It's just always pajama day. Yeah. Like flannel pants. Yeah. But I'm talking about like with Cookie Monster on them. Like they're not they don't pass for plaid pants. They're pajama bottoms, you know. Like big, fluffy Cookie Monster pajama bottoms and sometimes tops. I think it's just what they're doing now. And I've decided I'm not fighting it. It's not my fight. It is definitely noticeable to me, like for the holidays.

25:29OK, Christmas Eve, you have to put on something decent for Christmas Eve. Like that's a challenge. Like that's a challenge to find something they own that is not pajama pants with Cookie Monster on them. Like there's a definite casualization of the wardrobe.

25:42Amy Wilson:we were with in-laws over the holidays and they suggested like oh let's go out to so-and-so for dinner like a fairly nice place and I said to my kids okay great we're gonna go out to a nice early dinner we were maybe gonna go to the movies whatever our plans were so just put on something nice my kids had packed themselves blank stares all around Amy something nice was a complete I mean we had left for Christmas I don't check my kids bags anymore they pack themselves no one had anything with a collar. I mean, no one had anything that was not fundamentally pajamas. Fundamentally. Right. Right. And they weren't even like, listen, have I ever gone out in like nice pajama pants and like put on a choker and called it a day?

26:22Amy Wilson:I have. But at least have disguisable pajamas. Right. Right. Right. I literally cannot take you to this outing in fuzzy, smiley faced pajamas. It's not going to fly. Yeah. It's surprising. Bring something nice. That seems shocking to them that they would have to bring something that was not ratty pajamas for Christmas. And I do realize like my mother is laughing at me from somewhere because definitely she'd be like, what are you bringing as your hang up outfit? And I'd be like, whatever square. I don't hang up my clothes, loser, you know. I like that term, though. Now it's coming around a hang up outfit.

26:56I'm going to start using that. Like you need two hang up outfits for this, guys. Yeah.

27:00Amy Wilson:It does feel like the layer is going lower and lower. And then I don't know if you saw that the head of transportation at some point was like, people, we need to be better. We need to stop wearing pajamas at the airport. My kids were like, how dare you? They're like, not that dialed in politically. And they were like, did you see that guy say we can't wear pajamas at the airport? They're taking to the streets. They're taking the streets. Don't tread on me. They're ready to join. Here's a paradox. Megan says the paradox of her teen and tween is that you must respond instantly to each request, especially if delivered via text.

27:35And yes, even when they're 20 feet away and they could just walk over to you and talk to you. But the same does not imply when you text your teen. You must have no expectation of response. 100 % no.

27:45Amy Wilson:I think with texting, one of the things that we've been working on a bit is texting is not speaking. and you have to speak to me in a specific way. And I think the texting, like, hey, I need a ride in 20 minutes. You're not going anywhere. I don't know who you think you're talking to, but I do not respond to the command, hey, I need a ride in 20 minutes. But I think the casualness of the texting, and I have friends because I'm an oldie locks now, who are professors and they say when they were in school, they'd be like, dear Professor Johnson, I am so sorry. You know, my grandmother's sick. I will have to.

28:22Amy Wilson:And they get emails that are like, or text on their phone. They're like, hey, I missed class today. Can you send me the notes? And they're like, I mean, in my wildest dreams, I would never do this. But I think the texting of like, here's my demand has spillover that must be controlled at all times. That's right. Megan says, which this is my current worst teen crime, the teens either desperately need to take a shower or are coated in Axe body spray slash teen girl perfume and there is no in between. There's not clean without the Axe over the top. I would much rather you smell like Olympic athlete who hasn't showered in seven days after running the marathon than Axe Bounty Spray or Teen Girl perfume.

29:06Amy Wilson:And I have told several of my kids' friends, I'm sure to my kids' heart, because I do a lot of driving. I live in the suburbs. So like I do pickup or I drop people off or I drive to the mall. And I'm like, I will give you a ride, but you cannot wear cologne in my car. It's not allowed because I am very, very smell sensitive. You're a super sniffer. We've covered this. I'm a super sniffer. A super sniffer is a gift. It's a superpower. But like all superpowers it has a downside it's my kryptonite is axe body spray and that like really sweet baby powder section and stuff yeah girl perfume it's the middle of winter i'll have all the windows down they're like we're cold i'm like i told you not to wear that stuff in my car boys i'm sorry i will literally start vomiting out the side of the car if i have to drive with i don't mind even bad natural smells i'm like gross but i can handle it but i cannot synthetic cologne smell monstrous every time i get in the car with one of my kids and his best friend i'm like y 'all smell you're putting on too much so my friends they walk home now to avoid me my friend's kid uh walked into the house you know recently with like a pig pen cloud of you know male cologne around him and she was like whoa like you like i i'm smelling some cologne did you put some cologne and he said yes mom i'm gonna let you in on something we call the unbeatable strat and she's like okay tell me more he said you can if you're gonna go out with your friends you go to sephora first and you can just walk in and you can put as much cologne on as you want you can you try all the different kinds before you go out and so she's like that's the unbeatable strategy that's the unbeatable strat took me a minute it's the unbeatable strategy for living I guess.

30:54Amy Wilson:Yeah, yeah. That's the number one strategy. Hits the floor first and you can try it. Don't ask me for a ride, kid. That's my advice. All right. We'll be back with even more teen and tween crimes. If you want to wake up with skin that looks even better than before you went to bed, reach for Osea Skin Care. I mean seconded. Osea's clinically tested formulas are designed to deliver visible results. And with a full lineup of body care products, they have something for everyone. Osea's anti-aging body balm is a liquid silk body balm that combines the lasting hydration of a lotion with the firming power of a serum, leaving skin smoother, firmer, and beautifully supple.

31:36I apply the anti-aging body balm right before bed. I've been doing it for about a month. It makes my skin feel silky soft. It's really great. And I have to say, my skin definitely looks and feels smoother and more hydrated. Get a spring worthy glow with clean,

31:52Amy Wilson:clinically tested skincare from Osea. And right now we have a special discount just for our listeners. Get 10 % off your first order sitewide with code FRESH at OseaMalibu.com. That's 10 % off your first order with code FRESH at, I'm going to spell it, O-S-E-A-M-A-L-I-B-U. Osea, malibu.com. These days, Hellions, I'm all about quality over quantity, especially in my closet. That's why I love Quince. They make high-quality wardrobe staples using premium fabrics like 100 % European linen, 100 % silk, and organic cotton poplin. Their lightweight cotton cashmere sweaters are perfect for the changing seasons.

32:37I love my Quince short-sleeved cashmere crew neck so much, I got it in two more colors. Dress them up, dress them down, I'm out the door. Quince works directly with safe, ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. You're not paying for brand markup or fancy retail stores, just quality clothing. Right now, go to quince.com slash fresh for free shipping and 365-day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it, and you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince.com slash fresh for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash fresh.

33:21Is your self-esteem too high?

33:24Amy Wilson:It's so nice to be at an age where I just finally accept myself for who I am. Getting to bed too early every night? I'm in the mood to tuck in at 9.30 and then read for a little while and get eight blissful hours of sleep. Do you find yourself burdened by having too much money and food in your life? Try teenagers. Are you kidding me? There's nothing to eat. I thought you were going to the store. With teenagers, you'll never have to worry about free evenings again. Instead, you'll be arguing with your offspring about whether or not a bikini top is proper attire for Grandma's 83rd birthday dinner.

34:05It's fine. Why are you so uptight, Mom? Still not convinced? Well, consider the exercise you'll get pacing the floor while waiting for the kid you used to buckle into his car seat to drive himself home at 1 a.m. My God, what time is it? Shouldn't he be home? Oh God, it's only 10 p.m. Three more hours of terrified waiting. Did someone say self-esteem? With teenagers, you'll be back to levels you haven't seen since walking around the middle school cafeteria looking for a place to sit.

34:34Amy Wilson:God of War and God of Thunder have nothing to do with each other. How dumb can you be? Sorry, I was just trying to make conversation. Well, please stop. It's cringe. I think I'll go talk to the cat. Try teenagers. I need some money. Can you hurry up?

34:55Dana says this is a paradox, too, that the teens have to hoard their own money. But at the same time, the use of your money is free flow and super generous.

35:04Amy Wilson:Again, I mean, it's all just clear that I'm transferring into my parents at an alarming rate. But my dad, whenever I used to say, do you have any money? He would say, I'm all set. Thanks. And I started saying it to my kids. And it annoys them just as much as it used to annoy me with my dad. Because I'm saying, can I have some money? I'm like, hey, do you have any money? Yeah, I'm great. I'm all set. Thanks. I don't need any. Thanks for asking. I'm like, no, no. I mean, I need some. But yes, the what's your money and what's our money is there's a comedian, maybe Chris Rock, who has a joke about this, who's like the kids like we have money.

35:43Amy Wilson:And he's like, no, no, I have money. You don't have money. And yeah, the distinction between money and money gets quite confusing. It gets hard. And my kids have been, we have this thing called Bank of Mom, which is, I mean, we're talking like first communion money. Like it's been around forever. And I say, I keep it in the Bank of Mom. And I do. I just keep a little spreadsheet for each of them. And they have money saved in it. And you'll use this someday for your semester abroad, whatever. But it's not tangible, right? So recently, my teenager, her coat was dirty because she didn't let the dog out before bed and the dog peed on her coat.

36:15So the coat needed to be cleaned. Okay. So that's, maybe that's a crime. Maybe that's a dog crime. I don't know. That's somebody's crime. It's a crime. Two perpetrators. Yeah. Yeah. So this teenager borrowed my coat, my winter coat. And I was like, that didn't ask me. I just see her wearing it. I'm like, okay, that is an expensive coat. So just letting you know, like, don't lose that coat. That's an expensive coat. I won't. I won't. The next week, I noticed that she's leaving for school without a coat on. It's kind of cold. I'm like, put a coat on. It's really cold. I'm fine. I'm fine. Next day, no coat.

36:45And I'm like, did you lose my coat? You just don't want me to notice? Yes. yes the code had been lost and but then she was like get a new it's i'm sorry just get a new one just bank of mom but then my spouse and i are both like but bank of my just like no problem just hit the magic time for bank of you right right so we're like you have to babysit to make the money back for that code because yeah but when money just feels imaginary it doesn't know well we once

37:13Amy Wilson:went on vacation this was our first like family vacation family friends had like a villa i think was in Puerto Rico and we went and we were tweens and teens I'm sure had never been to a place like this where I feel like now this is everywhere but like at the time I feel like it was very revolutionary and they gave you like a little card or a chip or something and my dad heard us on like day three being like do you know saying to some other kids like do you know if you have this chip everything here is free and he was like family meeting emergency alert and that is the thing like do you know that with this book of look of yeah the bank of mom with this bank of mom everything is free right right you can get out of trouble get out of jail free problems with that and it i think when you have younger kids like i have kids who are pre-babysitting age they haven't worked they actually don't have money they have an allowance of like 30 a week which i guess they could save and like kind of do something but like they don't really have a so it's a little bit hard to be like, you have to earn this money by doing what?

38:16Amy Wilson:Like I tell you to bring logs up, I guess, whatever. But I think it can be complicated. But yeah, getting to I think now with the apps and, you know, other things, it's really smart to get your kids. And we have a couple of episodes about it. We can link to money smart earlier, earlier, earlier. Right. Let's talk about some snack crimes. Sure. Can I start before snack crimes with dinner crimes or just food crimes? Yeah. Anything food related. That's good here. I'm going to just say that the amount of food my three teenagers eat is wild. Like it is Fred Flintstonian levels. All deluxe alert. Back in my day.

38:57Amy Wilson:I mean, I used to buy like, I'd like to make a pot roast, but then we have to kind of eat it all week because it's like the locusts have come through like a full pot roast. It's gone. No, they have six servings each. Right, right. It's just wild. And then and if you made two pot roasts, they just would eat two. It is locusts. And I have started making different like breads for the side, just finding like quick bread mix and stuff. I'm not making bread. I'm not a sourdough mom. Don't worry about it. But let me give you a tip. Free tip. They don't advertise with us. King Arthur flatbread mix. I bought it from the store.

39:33Amy Wilson:So good. It makes these like little crunchy flatbreads that you just like a non so good wow but i'm like you have to have four pieces of flatbread because i cannot afford to feed your mouth with the meat so like you gotta eat the bread first a serving the palm of your hand right we're talking like a deck of cards a deck of cards is the right amount of meat for you but yeah you got to like and i have a kid who's you know he's a real carnivore and he's like Can I have another piece of steak? I'm like, no, you can have three more flatbreads before you have one more. We got to use up some of that stomach real estate with cheaper items.

40:14Laura has a very specific teen crime, the late night snack of corn dogs. I mean, first of all, can I come over? That sounds amazing. He puts a little mustard ketchup on the plate, just a small amount. Plate goes to the kitchen counter, left on the counter and doesn't rinse it off. this crime I am fighting with all my skills right now.

40:35Amy Wilson:And then the next morning, it's so gross. If you make something sticky, you have to wash it right away. I mean, my kids like the Kraft mac and cheese. And if you let that stuff sit in the bowl, just throw the bowl away. It's basically like an epoxy that ends up in there. It cannot be cleaned. This cannot be fixed. Either you're going to get banned from eating mac and cheese, or you're going to figure out to rinse the bowl yourself. What about earbuds? Aileen says that her kid constantly has earbuds in when he's in the house, including the bathroom, so that if you're calling him, he can never hear you because he's always listening to something in his AirPods.

41:12Amy Wilson:Are you people living in my home? This is my nightmare. We have an upstairs, a downstairs in a basement. I finally installed cheap Amazon speakers in their rooms because I was going to bed with a headache every night from screaming like dinner and then sometimes they unplug them because they're tired of listening to me i'm like no no no the crime of unplugging your speaker is like you're not going anywhere wait is this like an intercom that you're like dinner it's an intercom i'm like beep come up for dinner you can get really cheap ones on amazon i'm talking like under 20 bucks i think you should link to this because that sounds amazing because what always would get to me is like, don't you hear me?

41:54And then 20 minutes later, they wander downstairs and like, dinner's like halfway over. I heard you yelling, but I didn't know what you were saying. Like, if you hear me yelling and it's 615.

42:04Amy Wilson:Oh, my God, Amy, I need to get that tattooed on my face. If you hear me yelling, step out. That's the thing. Like, finally, I'm like, kid number two. And they're like, yeah. I'm like, no, no, no. Not yeah. Like, what do you think that I'm just screaming your name. I'm done cooking for you. Right. Oh my gosh. It is so crazy. We grew up in a house, very, very old house that had been built actually in the 18th century, like the main part of it. And then added on basically by every family that lived in it. So it wasn't a huge house, but it had like kind of wings that came off of it. So it was everybody was very spread out, basically.

42:41Amy Wilson:Like people could live in a completely different life in like the part that came off the kitchen. And if I lived off the living room, like you could never hear each other. So my parents put in a phone thing in like the eighties. You could make it a speaker. Basically, it was a genius thing to do because otherwise my mother would have just spent her whole life like running around the whole house in a circle screaming. And then, yes, there is again, I've said this three times already. There is no worse crime than after I've screamed at the top of my lungs 18 times. And then someone goes yeah from their room from where they're lying in their bed relaxing while you made dinner i'm like get out here and then they're like wow my mom's a real trip yeah exactly you'll see a real what are you yelling about oh god this is true yelling now i did i did tell my teenager i was working on this episode and she of course thought it was the other way around that it was like crimes that parents commit toward their teens okay so i did want to give give you this one My parent of teen crime, per my teenager, is that I don't remember the names of the friends and how my daughter knows them.

43:49That I will say, I was out with Rachel. I'm like, oh, Rachel, I don't think I've heard about Rachel. You've heard about Rachel. Rachel is it. And I know her from the swim meet. I'm like, right. Oh, oh, Rachel. And then a week later, she's like, so Rachel said, I'm like, oh, who's Rachel? And I guess that's my crime.

44:05Amy Wilson:So guilty as charged. I have to say, though, behind the scenes, if your child's listening, have them turn this podcast off now. That is like the greatest sign about your parenting that could possibly be. Like you're just not overinvested in every little thing. Like it's actually such a win. And she will at some point realize what a win it is that you're not like, oh my God, Rachel. How's she doing with Ben? How did they get back together? Like you're just, you're living your own life, which is a good thing. Like if you were able to name them all. I'm trying to think of what my kids would say is my greatest crime against them.

44:39Amy Wilson:Hold on. My kid just walked by. I'm going to call them and see. Hold on. here are the two biggest crimes should i go from serious to less serious or less serious to wow i don't even know i'm so curious to hear i'm gonna go from serious to less serious the first one she says is being dismissive of children's mental health not taking their mental health seriously enough she said some parents i'm hoping she was not talking about me but she said some parents i feel like are very dismissive of their children's feelings when they try to talk about their mental health. Okay. And that when it comes to mental health, parents should always take their teenagers seriously.

45:15Amy Wilson:And I'm going to say right now, cosign. All right. Good advice. That's the granddaughter of a therapist right there. Now, she said the other big crime that parents commit is, quote unquote, rolling up to school and thinking it's funny when they do things like roll down the window and yell, yo, skibbity toiletries. That is not funny. It's not for you to say and I believe my daughter at this point would say it's not for anyone to say oh do not roll up and jokingly scream skibbity toilet risk out of have you seen the tiktok I'm going to try to find it and link it of it's just a girl and she's she literally looks like the melting wicked witch like her hands are on her face and she's falling to the ground and then she gets off the ground and starts running away as fast as she can and then you pan over and her dad is picking her up dressed as buddy the elf and it's just the physicality i don't even know if there's any sound but the physical reaction of this girl is truly like let the ground swallow rather than have to admit that buddy the elf over there is related to somebody that i know so the teens do not want you rolling up as buddy the elf and they do not want you screaming out skibbity toilet riz out we're not powerless this is what i'm learning from we can all learn now i didn't mention that there's still a bunch of mcdonald's trash and ornaments to be wrapped to the other room but maybe if i scream skibbity toilet riz right that will get done start calling their friends and saying it i'm going to call one of your friends every 10 minutes and like skibbity toilet riz phone is ringing there's like a call it seems to be that mom just yelling skibbity toilet rinse for no discernible reason.

47:02Yes, this is a parenting advice podcast, people. That sounds awesome. Thank you, as always, for listening. Our Facebook group, facebook.com slash group slash whatfreshhealthcast has about 7 ,000 members now, I think. And people talk about everything, funny stuff, serious stuff, everything in between. It is a super kind, useful, fun place to be. So if you're not in it, go check it out.

47:25Amy Wilson:Absolutely. I love the group. I get so much good advice and information there myself. Definitely check it out. And with that, we will talk to you next time and good luck surviving those tween and teen crimes. So long.

47:55Amy Wilson:ready. These handheld wraps pack bold flavor and 40 plus grams of protein into something hearty, satisfying, and built for life on the go. From craveable sauces to satisfying textures, they're designed to keep you going without slowing you down. So put that fork down. Try the new wraps today in app or at order.sweetgreen.com. Available at participating locations only.