In short
Parenting and “adulting” moments when you’re the only authority figure in the room, and the emotional whiplash of having to handle injuries, emergencies, bureaucracy, and logistics.
Guests
Margaret and Amy Wilson (hosts). They discuss listener-submitted stories from a Facebook group.
Guest/host backgrounds (from episode context): Margaret and Amy are mothers; Margaret describes being a waitress at 20 and repeatedly being treated as the authority figure for her kids’ needs. Amy shares stories about medical/decision stress and everyday “adult” tasks.
Key claims
Being the “adult” often feels like waiting for someone else (“where’s my mommy?”), even when you’re capable. Different people have different strengths; you shouldn’t be expected to do everything.
Notable examples
Tennis camp arm injury where she almost passes out; bathtub “wiener hole” moment; car breakdown on the 101 calling her dad to call police; moving day vomit cleanup; funeral arrangements after father-in-law’s death; tornado sheltering for Boy Scouts; ER support during husband’s cyclocross crash; taxes and paperwork overwhelm; dead mouse in a pool filter handled by a sister-in-law.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOThe Struggles of Adulthood
0:45 to 2:00
Discussion on the feeling of being the only adult and its absurdities.
“This week, we are talking about the fresh hell of being the only adult in the room.”
Injury and Authority
2:00 to 4:05
A personal story about being expected to assess a child's injury.
“And I wasn't the only adult in the room, but I was assumed by everybody to be the authority figure in the room.”
Humorous Bath Time Incident
4:05 to 6:00
A funny story about a child's language concerning body parts.
“And he yells, I watched my wiener and my wiener hole.”
Facing Adult Responsibilities
6:00 to 7:40
Reflecting on adult responsibilities during family emergencies.
“and I'm in the lane and cars are whizzing by me.”
Car Trouble and Seeking Help
7:40 to 10:00
A story about car troubles and the instinct to call a parent for help.
“It'd be like the worst thing in the world happened to me.”
Listener Stories of Authority
10:00 to 10:40
Sharing listener experiences of wishing they weren't the grown-up.
“I don't want to be gross about the details, but I cut my foot on like a door.”
Listener Stories of Authority
11:54 to 13:03
Sharing listener experiences of wishing they weren't the grown-up.
“Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand, and it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists.”
The Burden of Adult Responsibilities
14:33 to 22:06
Exploring the challenges and absurdities of adulthood responsibilities.
“Adulthood, says Emily, is wishing the weird sound was a ghost and not a faulty water pump.”
The Complexities of Decision Making
22:06 to 27:06
Discussing the exhausting nature of making everyday decisions as adults.
“but I was so put out by having to be the authority figure in charge of what was for dinner.”
The Complexities of Decision Making
27:10 to 28:12
Discussing the exhausting nature of making everyday decisions as adults.
“Summer is definitely a time when you want to be able to throw something on just before running out the door while also somehow looking like you definitely didn't just do that.”
Show all 16 chapters
The Complexities of Decision Making
28:19 to 28:32
Discussing the exhausting nature of making everyday decisions as adults.
“That's Q-U-I-N-C-E, Quince.com slash fresh for free shipping and 365 day returns.”
Dumb Things Moms Believe
28:32 to 29:42
Explore humorous misconceptions that moms often have about parenting.
“And we're live on Match Day as Doug reaches for a buffalo wing.”
Experiences of Being the Only Grownup
29:42 to 37:10
Moms share their stories about the challenges of being the sole adult in stressful situations.
“She says she had instant regret after about three minutes when she volunteered to take all the eager early rising kids and their cousins to the beach while the other grownups stayed home and got ready.”
The Burden of Adult Responsibilities
37:10 to 42:01
Discussing the overwhelming nature of adulting and the need for support.
“old or young, the idea that there's no adults coming to help you deal with the hardest moments in your life is mind boggling and really, really hard.”
Navigating Strengths and Emotional Regulation
42:01 to 43:08
Discussing the importance of recognizing individual strengths and emotional challenges.
“Different people have different strengths.”
Navigating Strengths and Emotional Regulation
43:23 to 43:43
Discussing the importance of recognizing individual strengths and emotional challenges.
“That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's Name Your Price tool for years now.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Megan M. O'Neill:This Monday.com ad was created by a team of people and AI agents. The agents wrote the copy and managed the timelines, while our human creative director made sure it all made sense. Easy. Create your own AI agent today on Monday.com. That is a job for Superman. What fresh hell. Laughing in the face of motherhood. I was just like, oh, that's a nice rug. With Margaret Aples. And Amy Wilson. We just were both like, where's my mommy? A podcast that solves today's parenting dilemmas so you don't have to. Wait a minute.
0:36Heidi R. Smith:None of us will survive this experience.
0:42Heidi R. Smith:Hello, everyone, and welcome to What Fresh Hell. This is Margaret.
0:45Megan M. O'Neill:And this is Amy. This week, we are talking about the fresh hell of being the only adult in the room.
0:51Heidi R. Smith:I was just discussing this with someone I know who has a very adult job. They were just talking about when they're doing this extremely adult job, they're often like, when does someone come help me? And I was saying I felt that way sometimes being a waitress. Like when I was 20 and carrying a tray around, I just felt like I was playing a waitress in a movie. Like, how could I be a waitress? It just seemed absurd to me.
1:18Megan M. O'Neill:Yeah. Terry Pratchett is an author who once said, inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened. This is the version of inside every person in charge is a person wondering when the person is going to come who's actually in charge. Like this is a very universal feeling. It's just like, I'm just a little girl. What do you mean I have to decide what to do?
1:39Heidi R. Smith:My dad just turned 91 and he's like, you just don't feel 91. My dad at 91 still wants an adult to come and help him figure things out. Yes. When I say adult, I really mean authority figure.
1:51Megan M. O'Neill:These are stories of being the authority figure in the room. Got it. Because sometimes some of these stories, I have a story for you. I'm going to kick off with my own story of this. And I wasn't the only adult in the room, but I was assumed by everybody to be the authority figure in the room. In the space, which in this case was an outdoor area at a tennis court where my kid was taking a tennis camp with several other kids and a tennis instructor. And I'm sitting on the side looking at my phone waiting for the lesson to be over. Right. Hear this like this particular pitch. Right. That register.
2:23Megan M. O'Neill:That register that your amygdala is like, that's my kid, not somebody else's kid. And something is really wrong. They're not just calling me. They're calling me in pain. In distress. And I look up and my kid is in the corner of the tennis court holding his arm saying, I think I brought my arm. And everybody's like, what to do? People come running out. Everybody hears the commotion. They lead him over to a chair and he's like, the tennis person is there and the person who's running the camp is there. They're like, OK, mom, we're going to let you take a look. Oh, no, thank you. And I was like, what?
2:55Megan M. O'Neill:I have to be the one? I mean, I would rather not. I am so squeamish about blood injuries. One of my kids had stitches four times before his fourth birthday. I've dealt with broken bones. I've had to be this person. And every time I'm like, you must be kidding me. I can't watch the pit, even though people keep telling me it's good because I won't be able to handle it. And then here I was in this moment with several other adults around, some of whom are in positions of authority and holding clipboards saying, OK, mom, you're going to take a look at this injury and see how bad it is. So, of course, I did because everybody seemed to think that I somehow should be the one in charge.
3:26Megan M. O'Neill:Thank goodness there was nothing like sticking out. I made it. I almost passed out, but there was nothing there's nothing to see. Okay, that's that's helpful. It was helpful. But it didn't matter that there were other authority figures around. I was the mother. And I guess looking back on it objectively, yeah, I probably should be the one to assess my own kid's injury. But I felt in no way capable of doing that. Exactly. When is the adult going to come? When is the adult going to come? And sometimes I'll give you a funny one, too. Same kid, much younger. Sometimes you wish you weren't the only adult around because what's happening is so hilarious.
3:55Megan M. O'Neill:You want there to be another adult around. So this kid, five years old in the bathtub, old enough to be like bathing himself in the bathtub. And he yells down the hall to me, Mom, I'm ready to get out. And he yells, I watched my wiener and my wiener hole. And I said, what? Excuse me? And he's like, I watched my wiener and my wiener hole. I'm like, that's not nice to say. And he's like, yes, it is. Yes. I'm like, that is not an appropriate word. Do you? No, it is. It's what you call them. I'm like, wiener is another word for hot dog. And then, of course, I should never have explained why it was inappropriate.
4:23Megan M. O'Neill:The whole evening was lost. But I remember in that moment biting the inside of my mouth and being like, where did you learn those words for your body parts? So that was another time I wished I was in the only adult in the room, but it was a happy time, not a terrible time.
4:35Heidi R. Smith:I definitely think of the example when my husband's father died, we went to Texas and really arranged, because my husband is the oldest son, everything, basically. Just dealing with like a funeral home. I was 37. I felt like I was 10. I was like, I'm talking to a funeral director? This is crazy. When will my mom or dad come and do this? Because how can this be my job? My husband and I spoke a lot about it afterwards, how it was the first thing that we really had to do that was, it was an adult's job in a very specific way. Like you're going to go and figure this out and make arrangements and talk about all these very upsetting things with people.
5:30Heidi R. Smith:It was our job and we did it, but I could not get that feeling out of my mind of almost looking for the door. More funny example is I was driving on the 101 freeway. It was before I met my husband. I was mid thirties and my car broke down in the fast lane in the all the way left lane of the 101, which is an eight lane freeway. And my car died. and what did I do? I called my dad in New York and I was like, Daddy, my car's broken down and I'm in the lane and cars are whizzing by me. I'm about to get just hit. And he said, why are you calling me? Call the police. Like someone should be able to do something about this, but it's definitely not me.
6:16Heidi R. Smith:I am very far away. Yeah, I got to get dad to come save me.
6:20Megan M. O'Neill:We went to our Facebook group, facebook.com slash groups slash what fresh health cast. And we asked our listeners to tell us all the times that they really wish they weren't the authority figure or the adult in the room. And we've got a ton, but I wanted to relate this one in particular because it's a side of the road story like yours. Amanda says she's moving six hour move to a different state. So she's in a car with her five year old in the back. Her husband's in a U-Haul, you know, points unknown. They're not trying to stay with each other. We'll see you at the new house. Five year old gets sick in the back seat.
6:49Megan M. O'Neill:Amanda says I had to pull over on the side of the freeway and change a crying and confused kid and do my best to clean up the car seat with wipes because the trunk was full of plants. I don't do well with vomit and it was horrible having to be calm while scrambling to find what I needed, hiding my own gagging and trying not to think about a distracted driver taking us out.
7:08Heidi R. Smith:I've talked about it before of a friend of mine being a young kid and the dog having some sort of digestional attack in the car, things coming out of every possible side of the dog. And then they got home and he realized his mom was going to have to deal with the car. He was like, get me out of the car. And then he just said he looked out from the window and he saw his mom starting to clean out the car. And he was like, I never want to be a grown up. Like, it just made such an impression on him that like, my only job is to run screaming from the car. It'd be like the worst thing in the world happened to me.
7:45Heidi R. Smith:My dog pooped on me in the car. But my mom, the story doesn't end at the house for her.
7:53Megan M. O'Neill:The story begins at the house for her. Yeah, right. And being that woman cleaning out the car, why am I doing this by myself? But do I want to spend the next half hour yelling at Jeremy to come help me and getting in a fight with him about it? Or do I just want to clean this dog problem up already? The kids love the dogs until, you know, something unpleasant that needs to happen.
8:10Heidi R. Smith:I still, whenever our cats kill anything, which I want to defend my cats because don't write me angry letters. My cats are outdoor cats. They rarely kill anything, but they do maybe twice a year. My cats kill small rodents. They bring them to the door. And the minute I see the cat at the door with something in its mouth, my husband has to come from work. I just can't.
8:34Megan M. O'Neill:Where's my daddy?
8:36Heidi R. Smith:Where he is? Yeah, he's the dad in that situation. I'm like, honey, you got to come home. The cat killed something. I'm with you. I just can't. I don't know what I would do. I guess if I was alone. Well, I will say my middle son now. He's like, who's the guy who got killed by a stingray? Crocodile Dundee? No. Steve Irwin. Yes. My middle guy's kind of a Steve Irwin type. And so he can deal with animal stuff. So he's the authority figure.
9:01Megan M. O'Neill:This happened to me. I was on vacation with my brothers and sisters and all our kids, like a cousins gathering with the pool. There was a mouse in the filter. I forget how we discovered it, but there was a dead mouse in the filter. And I was like, oh, oh, oh, I'm not going to touch it. Right. I can't be the grown up here. Try to get my husband to do it. And he's like, oh, my God. But so does we just both were like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And of course, the kids were screaming. Finally, my sister-in-law was like, oh, my God, fine. And she did it. I admired that. I admired her grim, okay, I guess I can't pass this cop any further.
9:35Megan M. O'Neill:I guess it's me.
9:36Heidi R. Smith:Yeah, I'm a cup passer on those, let me tell you.
9:39Megan M. O'Neill:Michelle says, if I never had to take care of another bug or dead animal again, it would be too soon. I mean, yes, if there's another adult to look and see if the arm's broken instead of me, you can bet. I remember one time I had my mom assess the severity of a playground injury because she was there. And I'm like, I might pass out. Can you look? Yeah. Yeah. One time I injured myself and I asked my daughter to look at it. I cut my foot. I don't want to be gross about the details, but I cut my foot on like a door. We were showing up for her ballet class and it was pretty bad. Oh my God, look, is it bad?
10:09Megan M. O'Neill:And she's like, it's bad. And I could feel myself starting to faint. I'm like, I'm going to lie down on the floor now. I'm probably going to pass out. If I do just say it's my mom, it's okay. She passes out when she sees blood. I laid down on the floor. She was the adult in the room. How about that? She was the authority figure.
10:21Heidi R. Smith:Yeah. I had no shame in that game. There are just certain things I cannot deal with.
10:24Megan M. O'Neill:Oh, my gosh.
10:26Heidi R. Smith:Yeah. If there's a bat in the house, that's a problem for someone else. That is a job for Superman. That's a job for an adult who's not me. Who's not named me.
10:34Megan M. O'Neill:All right. We'll be back with many more times we wish we weren't the grown-up in the room. After a long day in the summer sun, my skin needs a hydration reset. That's why I love Osea's Hyaluronic Body Serum. It's super lightweight to put on, no waiting 10 minutes before you can even get dressed. And even though I'm just starting to use it, the hyaluronic acid is really helping my skin retain more moisture.
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13:07Megan M. O'Neill:That's Nutrafol.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com, promo code laughing. So I wore my new Zenni glasses the other night. My husband and my kids were immediately like, new glasses? Cute. Considering how much attention they usually pay to literally anything I wear, I knew my Zenni glasses are, as the kids no longer say, on fleek.
13:33Heidi R. Smith:The kids definitely no longer say the thing. Zenni is an online eyewear shop with prescription glasses, blue light lenses, and if you're like me and don't need a prescription, even sunglasses, all starting at under$30. You go to zenni.com, you pick a frame, you upload your prescription, and they ship it to your door. No appointment, no store, no upsell at the counter.
13:56Megan M. O'Neill:I even used Zenni's virtual try-on feature to make sure my new frames would look good on my face. Took 10 seconds. And I was like, heck yeah, statement tortoise shell. And when they showed up, they were exactly what I wanted.
14:08Heidi R. Smith:Same. I look like a movie star in mine. If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is the time. Go to zenni.com slash podcast and use code podcast 15 for 15 % off your first order.
14:21Megan M. O'Neill:The styles sell out, so don't sit on it. That's Z-E-N-N-I dot com slash podcast promo code podcast one five. Emily says she wishes she was not the adult in the room every time something breaks in my house. Adulthood, says Emily, is wishing the weird sound was a ghost and not a faulty water pump. I love that. That is so true. I just flushed our toilet this morning and I heard something like crack and then the handle felt a little funny. And I was like, huh, I wonder when the authority figure is going to come and figure out. I immediately was like, who am I going to fix that? And then it's like, what's me?
14:57Megan M. O'Neill:I got to look at that and see if the toilet handle's broken now because I broke it, but I'm probably going to still try to get out of it.
15:03Heidi R. Smith:It's funny because I think what you're touching on is there are categories for different pupils.
15:08Megan M. O'Neill:Yeah.
15:09Heidi R. Smith:My son had nursemaid's elbow when he was young, so he dislocated his elbow. It's something that happens a lot in little kids. They call it nursemaid's elbow because it usually happens when you tug the child by the arm or you do the thing where you hold them with their arms. You swing them. You swing them. there are certain kids who have loose ligaments or whatever the heck it is and their elbow gets dislocated so it happened when my son was two we took him to the emergency room in texas by his grandparents house i was like still paying bills for it three years later it was one of those situations where they tried to bill us like 75 000 it was like a three-year fight so then he did it again and i had this very annoying memory that oh they charged me like 75 000 and i knew it was fairly common.
15:55Heidi R. Smith:And I went on YouTube and I looked up how to put a dislocated elbow back in place. And I followed the YouTube video and I did it. And then he did it again. And I did it again. Like I fixed it like three times by myself. I'm ready to pass out right now hearing this. That's incredible. Yeah, but I was like, that's no big deal for me. But a half dead bird that one of the cats killed, like, I just have to burn the whole house down. Like I could never finish off a bird. You know, I just that's not that's way outside of my comfort zone. I could change a tire. There's certain things that I'm like, no adult needed.
16:30Heidi R. Smith:I got this.
16:31Megan M. O'Neill:We had baby birds once we had a nest like outside our back door one summer. Oh, my gosh, that's so cute. There's a nest like try not to use that door, whatever. But then the nest eventually like fell to the ground with no very small baby birds inside. I mean, they were probably each the size of like the pencil erasers you used at school, you know, like they're about that big. And me now I can't. And my kids were like, we're going to take care of them, you know, because I think what seemed to happen is as soon as the best fell, mom was like, I'm out of here. Parent birds were like, oh, well, try again next year.
17:01Megan M. O'Neill:Goodbye. And so my kids were trying to feel like, yeah, clearly the right thing to do would probably have been to mercifully. I don't know what, you know, we were like, let's try to take care of them. And instead they died one at a time. So my kids greatly because I wasn't able to, you know what I mean? I was waiting for the animal expert to show up. Right. Who knows how to do this, certainly not me. Maggie says bureaucratic government paperwork is the time she wishes she wasn't the grown up. Yes. Tax time. Every time I have to do taxes.
17:30Heidi R. Smith:It's funny because I think of you as like really smart with numbers. I'm like, I'm not an accountant.
17:36Megan M. O'Neill:Every time I get to this, here's the 32 step thing and make sure you don't mess anything up and make sure you sign the check to this and make sure you postmark it by that. I always feel like I am not authorized to do this thing I've been authorized to do. Shouldn't there be a lawyer here?
17:51Heidi R. Smith:Yes. I think that's very true. And I also think that this feeling of like, when is the adult coming can make things so much heavier than they are. Yes. And it's funny that like you and I just had a thing with taxes where we couldn't make numbers match up. And it was months of like, well, I guess we'll get arrested. Like there's no way we could possibly get the numbers to match up. and we literally sat down for, I believe it was less than four minutes. And we were like, okay, it's this number and this number. Oh, I see what happened. It got miscategorized here and there. Yeah. But it's like somehow the idea that like your tax numbers don't match up feels like, well, I guess we're just going to jail.
18:32Heidi R. Smith:I have to lie on the floor.
18:33Megan M. O'Neill:Right. This is a way above my pay grade. This can't be fixed. I don't know. I won't be able to help you. No. Right. It's like you have to do your own brain surgery. Like, okay, then I guess this is where it ends. This is where it ends. You're right. And then I was like, oh, we put in the number from January instead of the number from 1231. That's all it was. But yeah, we just were both like, where's my mommy? I find packing that way to this day.
18:53Heidi R. Smith:Put my things in a bag and have them shipped somewhere and then I'll use them in that place. I don't know. The mystery of packing just, it feels so overwhelming to me. Maybe it's because my mom used to pack my bags for me. Yeah.
19:08Megan M. O'Neill:All right. Charity has a great one. Charity says, when I was a camp counselor, there was a bathroom policy in place. If a camper needed to use the restroom in the middle of the night, they had to wake up their counselor and one other camper to go. I mean, they have their liability policies mailed down. We call this too deep leadership at the scouts. Two people at all times. Wow. So one night, Charity gets woken up to go to the bathroom. And she looks and she sees, you know, three girls standing around her bunk in the dark. She says, wow, we have a party tonight. night. And then as we were exiting the cabin, Charity says, I turn around and see it's only two girls coming with me.
19:41Megan M. O'Neill:I asked them where the other girl was and they said, it's just us two. I said, oh, OK, as chipperly as I could, trying to disguise the fact that I was so creeped out that I definitely had seen three silhouettes instead of two. I felt like peeing myself before
19:54Heidi R. Smith:we made it to the bathrooms. I have my niece staying with me. She was listing all the things she's scared of in my room. And she was like, well, that curtain and that bookshelf, like at night, Basically, they look scary to her because the shapes are unusual to her. This is my four-year-old niece. I'm babysitting. And she's like, I don't like, I don't yank the curtain. And I don't yank the chair. I was like, yeah, when you're four, you're scared of everything, basically. Then when you're older, you're like, yeah, being scared feels weird as an adult in a way. You're like, who's coming to rescue me from the scared?
20:30Megan M. O'Neill:Exactly. Like, we're not scared, kids. What was that show? Oh, Station Eleven. That show was on HBO. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So good. And he has a kid. He somehow picked up a kid and like, it's all going to be fine. You're fine. This is awesome. Yeah, and it's not awesome. It is, in fact, not awesome. Nicole, taking it back to the more mundane, Nicole says she hates being the only grown up when we are literally walking in the door from softball and my kids are asking what's for dinner.
20:55Heidi R. Smith:Oof.
20:56Megan M. O'Neill:That's the worst. That might be, that's one of my least favorite things about having children is having to know what's for dinner for somebody else. Well, it's just every meal.
21:04Heidi R. Smith:Like every time. And I will say my kids are older now, but I do have my four and eight year old niece and nephew with me this week. And I forget the relentlessness of the food schedule. Like, oh, it's breakfast time. Oh, it's lunchtime. Oh, it's dinnertime. And they're not, you know, the most adventurous eaters. So it's like, do I have something that they will eat in the house? The endless feeding. It's exhausting. And I guess I would like another adult, preferably one who's a chef.
21:32Megan M. O'Neill:My kids would laugh if they were listening to this episode right now. They'd be like, you decide what's for dinner. I mean, I have bigger kids. We also live in New York City. I'm pretty much done making dinner. What's for dinner? I don't know. I have very successfully turned this over because I'll go get a piece of pizza or eat a bar from the cabinet. And I'm definitely good till tomorrow. If anybody wants something different, we can talk about it. We're having people over for dinner tonight. And I had to like shop and plan. Somebody has this dietary restriction. and somebody is at dietary restriction.
22:03Megan M. O'Neill:And I just was like, I can't do this. And you're right. It took me five minutes, but I was so put out by having to be the authority figure in charge of what was for dinner.
22:11Heidi R. Smith:Yeah, I think anything. I mean, we're now in summer, but like looking back to the June and May of it all, even that is like, I have to figure out where grandma's staying for the graduation. And then for the Eagle Scout, are we having bagels in the morning or are we going to do an afternoon thing? And then what's that? The amount of decisions you have to make in a day is exhausting.
22:31Megan M. O'Neill:One of my kids just plan B-ables me about something and I was like,
22:35Heidi R. Smith:not plan B-ables. We hate to hear it.
22:37Megan M. O'Neill:Plan B-ables, just to remind everybody is Margaret's husband loves to, once the plan is made, be like, oh, we could do this. And she said, I don't plan B. So I have a kid who's graduating, visiting grandparents. This is in New York City, right? Like this is where they're going to park. This is what we're going to do. We're going to have taxi A leaving at this time and taxi B going directly to the restaurant. I have everything worked out. And the graduate like two days ago was like, what if it was this? Oh, yeah. And I short circuited. But then I realized it was a parenting opportunity. Like, OK, we can do that if you call the hotel, if you call the restaurant.
23:10Megan M. O'Neill:And of course, I had to lay out all the steps. But this kid did do it because I just was like, I was the authority figure. I planned it. Now you want to do something else. Now you're the authority figure.
23:20Heidi R. Smith:Yeah, it kind of worked. I used to always say when I had little kids, anyone who wakes up a toddler my house wins that toddler for the rest of the day. It's like, right. You'd make him already won. You mess up the plan. You've won the plan.
23:32Megan M. O'Neill:Lauren says buying a car. It takes too long after you've decided on the car. There's too much paperwork and too much selling to try to get you to buy extra stuff, especially if you have kids with you. Buying a car does suck. A dealership, they should be like, you will be out of here in five minutes. And I'm so gendered.
23:49Heidi R. Smith:I'm just like buying a car is my husband's job. I don't know what they're talking about. I've never bought a car in my life. But it does remind me, we went on our honeymoon to Istanbul. This is also being very gendered, like women don't excel at this place. But also like a lot of people are not great at this. We went to Istanbul, my roommate from college lived there, we stayed with her, we went to the market the first day, you know, the big Istanbul market. And we walk in and every vendor is like, you like that jacket, you should buy it. It's$63. And my friend would be like, oh my gosh, you scumbag.
24:25Heidi R. Smith:I will never pay more than$32. And he'd be like, please, my child has a rare eye disease,$40,$54. And she'd be like, I don't care about your stupid child,$41. And I'm like, I can't do any of this. I don't want any of this. We just kept laughing about her being this like insane market negotiator and the coldest person. But it's like, that's the culture. It's like, they would be insulted if you gave them$62 almost, you know, it's like the haggling is part of it.
24:54Megan M. O'Neill:Yeah, you're not playing. Wait, but did you I think you said it was on your honeymoon. And then this friend is with you. We did stay with my friend on my honeymoon.
25:01Heidi R. Smith:I know it's we'll talk about that another time. We were old. We were 37. It wasn't like we wanted to go to Istanbul and my friend she was there. And so we stayed with her and she traveled with us to the market.
25:12Megan M. O'Neill:All right.
25:12Heidi R. Smith:So yes.
25:13Megan M. O'Neill:And she was doing the thing. I feel this way about and I think I'm kind of right about contractors. If contractors come in to fix the toilet I apparently just broke this morning, then I'm like the dumb little lady who doesn't understand anything. I'm like, talk to my husband. And then my husband will be like, you don't just take the price. You have to negotiate. Oh, not interested. Not interested when there's negotiation. I know. I just want to hide when it's buying or selling a house or an apartment or whatever, like the contingency paperwork. I all of a sudden have a second grade reading level and I don't understand what we're talking about.
25:46Heidi R. Smith:When we left Istanbul, we went down to the south just by ourselves no friend on this part of the honeymoon that's good because we would have issues with we got like off the plane and we were going to ephesus which is this famous ruins in southern turkey yes and like the minute we got there someone was like do you want to ride to the top of the hill and we had heard like you should start at the top and walk down we were like sure and they were like first we stopped with the rug merchants and they were like here's a rug for five thousand dollars and we were just like we need our safe adults to come down and help us like we've been kidnapped by rug merchants at this point because we clearly have no skill.
26:21Heidi R. Smith:Like my friend would have been like, get me out of the car before I call the authorities and kill your family, you know? And I was just like, oh, that's a nice rug. Okay, I guess I'll buy it.
26:31Megan M. O'Neill:We were there for like seven hours. I have been to Istanbul and yet they really want you to buy a carpet. And then it's like, but you're going up against the other grown up. Now I'm the grown up who has to figure out how to get a rug back to the United States. No, I don't want a rug. I don't want to get up. Literally,
26:44Heidi R. Smith:I don't want to run there for like three hours and they kept bringing out smaller and smaller rugs until they brought out a rug that was truly like a mouse pad. And we were like, we'll take it. We'll take it. Here's$17. Just let us go.
26:55Megan M. O'Neill:I guess that's why there's all those.
26:57Heidi R. Smith:I've seen those nice rug mouse pads before. This was my ticket out. Yeah. I bought one to free myself from a rug merchant once. All right. We will be back with even more times you wish there was an adult around.
27:10Megan M. O'Neill:Summer is definitely a time when you want to be able to throw something on just before running out the door while also somehow looking like you definitely didn't just do that.
27:20Heidi R. Smith:Oh, that's why we are so in love with Quince. Quince makes elevated essentials using premium materials like European linen, organic cotton and washable silk without the traditional retail markup.
27:33Megan M. O'Neill:Quince's 100 % European linen pants, dresses, and tops are the pieces you'll reach for all summer long. They're lightweight, soft, comfortable, and perfect for layering. I already told you about my summer linen striped pajamas from Quince. Between us, they're just a summer outfit now. An actual, I go out in them because they're so cute.
27:53Heidi R. Smith:I am also living in Quince summer linen. Everything at Quince is priced 50 % to 80 % less than similar brands. And it's not just apparel. Quince also offers elevated essentials for your home, from bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and furniture.
28:09Megan M. O'Neill:Make your summer wardrobe feel easier. Go to Quince.com slash fresh for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too.
28:20Heidi R. Smith:That's Q-U-I-N-C-E, Quince.com slash fresh for free shipping and 365 day returns.
28:29Megan M. O'Neill:Quince.com slash fresh. And we're live on Match Day as Doug reaches for a buffalo wing. He's got it! Oh, and he's gone for a can of Pepsi, too! What a finish! There's no doubt about it. It just tastes better. Match Days deserve Pepsi.
28:50Heidi R. Smith:And now, dumb things moms believe. From the Wet Fresh Hell podcast. Food eaten off of kids' plates while standing up doesn't actually count as eating food.
29:02Megan M. O'Neill:What is that teacher talking about?
29:04Heidi R. Smith:My child is an angel. What is that teacher talking about? My child is a legit nightmare.
29:11Megan M. O'Neill:If I just close my eyes and stomp on this invisible brake while sitting in the passenger seat while my teen is driving, it will surely stop the car.
29:19Heidi R. Smith:You know, I bet the kids are old enough that I can get that white couch I've been dreaming about without them ruining it. I've got it all covered.
29:28Megan M. O'Neill:I'm not even tired. Definitely not. Not eye-bleedingly exhausted. Nope.
29:34Heidi R. Smith:I am totally fine. This has been Dumb Things That Moms Believe. From the What Fresh All podcast.
29:48Megan M. O'Neill:Anna's got a good one. She says she had instant regret after about three minutes when she volunteered to take all the eager early rising kids and their cousins to the beach while the other grownups stayed home and got ready. You know that got ready. They got an extra cup of coffee in, right? They were reading the New York Times cover to cover, Anna. Yeah, I'll wash my hair first. Here's Anna hauling a million sandy things, wildly spraying sunscreen, and keeping the youngest from toddling directly into the ocean. Mistakes were made. Yeah, you should not have been the only, on the beach is a really bad place to be the only authority figure.
30:24Heidi R. Smith:I feel like nature and toddlers have the same quality where you can get in over your head so fast and you're just dying and you didn't see it coming. Like I once went on a hike in L.A. There's a movie about this, but I lived it. Went on a hike with a friend and we got really lost on a hike in L.A. But we were at a point where we could not find our way down. We were out of water. It was like 100 degrees outside. and it was crazy. I had a moment where I thought we could literally die out here. I could see the 101 freeway from where I was, but it was five miles away, but we couldn't find our way out of where we were.
31:06Heidi R. Smith:And we were out of food and out of water. And like the sun was setting. And I'm like, at the very least, we're going to end up here overnight. And we ended up, which was probably stupid, like leaving the trail and walking to a road that we could see that was like five miles away. But All of a sudden there were grasses, there was water, there were snakes at our feet. I thought, we're going to be killed. We've done the stupidest thing that people do, which is you make rash decisions. Did you read that book, Wild Briar or something? Anyway, it's about a woman who gets lost hiking the Appalachian Trail.
31:36Heidi R. Smith:They talk about it. You step off the path and then you get super turned around and lost really fast. Similarly, you're like, I can take the six kids down to the beach for the morning. And you're like, wait a minute. it. None of us will survive this experience.
31:50Megan M. O'Neill:Renee's got a really high stakes one. She was the only adult in charge of her son's Boy Scouts group. Renee says, I'm not an outdoor kind of gal. I thought this would be an easy way to help out. There was a tornado that was touching down. Renee was in charge of 20 campers, ages seven and eight, and they all needed to find shelter in the middle of the woods. They were two miles from base camp, which, as you say, like you're off the path, you're in the middle of nowhere. There's a tornado coming. Renee says, I honestly had to ask the boys what the best thing to do was in that moment. I thought it was to lie down in a field as far away from trees as possible, but the Boy Scouts needed to confirm that for me.
32:24Megan M. O'Neill:We were fine, covered in dirt and grass and corn husks from laying in the field, but fine, thank the Lord.
32:30Heidi R. Smith:I have definitely had this experience, even as an adult, of being on a road trip. I mean, when you're used to your own climate, you're used to your own climate. And I have been, like when I was traveling and doing comedy in a van, And you'd find yourself like in Nebraska driving along the freeway. And suddenly it's like hailing. And there's a tornado siren going off. And you think, I don't know what to do. I'm from New York. Like, I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to go to a store? Am I supposed to just lay down in the car and pray? Like, I don't know what to do. I need an adult to help me.
33:13Megan M. O'Neill:I was in an earthquake only once in California. I was in college at the time. I was traveling with my comedy group that I was in with Margaret's sister and this boarding school. We're performing for kids at a boarding school. And I think they probably wanted to make sure that we, the visiting college students, weren't going to like carouse and make trouble. So they had us all like room in with a kid. Oh, that's a strange choice. Yeah, not definitely wouldn't happen now. The opposite choice of what you should do. They had me rooming with like some teenager that I hadn't even really spoken to. Anyway, it's California.
33:45Megan M. O'Neill:It's the middle of the night. I'm in a strange place. And in the middle of the night, I feel like boom, like it woke me out of a deep sleep. Holy cow. What was that? I am in California. Was that an earthquake? The roommate didn't even move. And I'm like lying there in the dark, hearing silence. And again, you're right. Like, am I supposed to alert the authorities? Am I supposed to find a helmet, go back to sleep? I went back to sleep. And in the morning, you know, a few people were like, how about that earthquake? And everybody else was like, what earthquake? It had been like a 2.3.
34:13Heidi R. Smith:But yeah, I felt it. Well, we lived in LA for a long time. We had three young kids and we had a very carefully because they told us to at the hospital and other places, make your earthquake plan. So my husband and I sat down and we were like, our earthquake plan is that I will get the girl and you will get both boys. And we will head to this spot that we know is like structural to the home. and we will go there and crouch until the earthquake ends. And that is our earthquake plan. We might have even rehearsed it. And then there was a fairly large earthquake. And it turns out our earthquake plan was I jump up and scream curses in my underwear very loudly and run around in circles.
34:55Heidi R. Smith:And my husband sleeps through it. Like that is our actual earthquake plan. I was like, okay, good to know. Good to test out the theory.
35:02Megan M. O'Neill:Oh my gosh.
35:03Heidi R. Smith:Courtney has one that hits me right where I'm living. Okay. Being the only adult in the medical field with aging parents and in-laws, the adult children keep asking me for advice on their parents while I'm actively trying to parent as well. It's too much adulting. And I do think, I mean, Amy and I have both been through the death of a parent now after medical needs. Courtney is in the medical field. I'm not in the medical field, but I think it's kind of same, which is, do you want this? Do you want that? Do you have a power of attorney? What is your DNR plan? What is your, you know, who is your healthcare proxy?
35:44Heidi R. Smith:Like it combines all the worst of emotionality, bureaucracy, and then the kind of tax feeling that you have. Like, should I be filling out a DNR paperwork? Like I feel like this should be done by a grown-up. Should we intubate? I don't know. Why are you asking me? Intubate me, please. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.
36:04Megan M. O'Neill:In our own case, I think this is often the case, you do go to the person you know with medical experience and you are asking them to give you the straight truth or to opine on things that they maybe aren't directly related to because you aren't getting it from the people who are actually taking care of the patient. You know what I mean? You are leaning on the sister who went to medical school, like how bad is this or the cousin or whatever. You need to tell us what's really going on. And I can imagine that's a burden, but it's so hard to be in that situation and be asked to make decisions that you never heard of this, whatever they're talking about until 18 hours ago.
36:40Megan M. O'Neill:And now you're deciding if there's surgery or not. It's terrible.
36:43Heidi R. Smith:Yeah. I mean, everything around health, life and death, the huge issues. Catherine says, this is a heavy one. When our oldest son died, who deemed me worthy of planning every detail while being the default parent of eight other kids while four months postpartum and nursing. It's one thing I'll carry for the rest of my dang life. And first of all, Catherine, we're so sorry. I think that's right, that these huge issues, whether it's a health emergency that your child is dealing with, or the death of a loved one, old or young, the idea that there's no adults coming to help you deal with the hardest moments in your life is mind boggling and really, really hard.
37:31Megan M. O'Neill:That you're also dealing with, where should I put this casserole? There's no more room in the refrigerator. Yeah. Should we get more ice? Right. Somebody else. And I think you do default to, well, it's her house, right? Well, it's her kids in a moment like that, like with the person who is being thrust into who the role they didn't want really needs is for somebody else to make one freaking decision,
37:54Heidi R. Smith:right? And just execute. We've talked about this on like how to help people. When there is a tragedy and someone dies or someone is sick, people often are like, tell me anything I can do. And it's better to go in with like, here are four suggestions. Could I babysit the kids while you just sleep? Could I be in charge of all the food that comes in and making sure it's preserved and put away correctly. Could I do everything with the doctor's funeral home? Could I type the program, create the program? Can I be the adult to you in this moment is more meaningful than how can I help? Right.
38:35Megan M. O'Neill:Making sure all of your kids have dress shoes that actually fit them and that we know where they are for Thursday is a great way to help. Well, Emily has a good story that brings this in when you do hit the wall of being the adult in the room and what happens next. She says, in 2021, my husband crashed during a cyclocross race, shattered his collarbone. I was at home, but both kids were with him. I was able to get a ride to get him. Kids go home with a friend who drove her up. And then there was a nurse who was also on the ride that day. She saw that I could not stop shaking. She jumped into action.
39:07Megan M. O'Neill:She drove Emily and the husband to the ER. Emily says she spent her entire afternoon settling my nerves. It was the height of a COVID wave. He was on a gurney in the hallway. Only one person could be with him at a time. So that woman rotated with Emily through sitting with her husband and walking off nerves. Emily says I literally could not have been the only adult around then. And I'm very glad that I was forced to ask for as much help as I did.
39:31Heidi R. Smith:Yeah, I think that's extremely helpful. And it's a useful context because my husband and I famously were in a very bad motorcycle crash. when we were early in our relationship. I was the person who was fine of the three people involved. And it was, you know, not a nonviolent scene. Like my husband was fairly badly injured and something took over in me that was like, stop the cars from running him over. Okay, get this. Okay, stabilize this. Okay, figure out who to call. Like I did all of the emergency services work right away. and then once the shock wore off a little bit my sister showed up and she was like okay here's where we need to be and here's who we need to call and this is the doctor and I she started writing down everyone's names she like came in and was the new adult and that let me crash which is what I really really needed to do she kind of came in and then people were visiting and people were coming and they're like that nurse or that advocate you have with you is incredible she's so kind and she's so invested.
40:36Heidi R. Smith:Everyone thought she worked for the hospital because she was so like large and in charge, taking over, being like, hi, thanks so much for coming. Here's the update on how David's doing. You know, she kind of took on the literal role of I will be the adult and the authority. And I'm telling you, it saved my butt. Saved my butt.
40:55Megan M. O'Neill:Thank goodness. Well, she is an oldest sister. And that feeds into the last one I wanted to read. Molly says she too is an oldest daughter of four siblings. I'm prepared for it all, says Molly. I've administered the Heimlich maneuver, mitigated kitchen fires, multiple sheltered children safely during severe weather, fished choking hazards out of the mouths of babies and invented a delicious dinner when the cupboards were bare. So she's not afraid of it. Molly can do it. Doesn't mean you should always
41:24Heidi R. Smith:do it. She says, I've been the default grown-up since I was eight years old. Feel that. Amy's like, I gotcha. I feel it. I wrote a whole book about it. Happy to help. This is a great way to think about the help you might need. I need a grown-up. I need a safe adult. Like, I need somebody to come and be the grown-up so I don't have to. Might be a really helpful way to think about, like, what you actually need.
41:48Megan M. O'Neill:The point you made about all of us have different areas, Right. You're not going to pick up a mouse, but you'll hold the injury together till we can get it stitches. And I might be the other way or I will have a difficult conversation or whatever. Different people have different strengths. We shouldn't be expected to have all the strengths. And we shouldn't have to wait until a nurse notices us shaking to get some help. But when you seem perfectly capable of always being the authority figure, people do look to you to buy the car, to pay the taxes. Well said. Amy solved it. And you know, we didn't solve the mailbag, but I'm going to get to it at the end.
42:24Megan M. O'Neill:Better late than never. Wow. Late mailbag. Mailbag. The latest ever mailbag. Melinda wrote in on Spotify. You can leave comments on any or all episodes on Spotify. So she listened to the episode when you're the one who's dysregulated and said, oh, man, I needed this episode. I'm soaking in it. As a mom who received an ADHD diagnosis last year, I am working a lot on emotional regulation. Thanks for the tips and the compassion. Thank you, Melinda. Love it.
42:52Heidi R. Smith:And please, if you have feedback, you can write it wherever you're listening to this podcast, especially if it's nice. If it's mean, think twice.
43:02Megan M. O'Neill:Exactly. Share this with a friend who might like it. We love finding new listeners. And with that, thanks so much for listening. And we will talk to you next time. Thanks, everybody.
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43:50Heidi R. Smith:Price and coverage match limited by state law.
From the publisher
You know how sometimes when you're in charge, in a really hard moment, you keep watching the door for an actual grownup to show up? Because it can't possibly be 42-year-old YOU who's in charge at this moment?
In this episode we discuss the strange experience of being the person in charge while also feeling wildly underqualified. From broken bones and dinner logistics to taxes, travel mishaps, and medical decision-making, here are the times when we— and our listeners— were hoping for an authorit figure besides ourselves to show up and fix everything.
Join our Facebook group to see all of our listeners' hilarious responses!
What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.
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