Ask about this episode

Ask anything about it. ChatGPT or Claude reads this page and answers with the times it was said.

Connect VO and ask about every podcast you hear, including the moments you saved. Add to ChatGPT · Add to Claude

In short

Podcast Summary: What Fresh Hell - Episode: Why Are Some Kids Shy?

Overview

In this episode of "What Fresh Hell

Laughing in the Face of Motherhood," co-hosts Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables delve into the complexities of child shyness. They explore the distinctions between shyness, introversion, and behavioral inhibition, discussing how fear often underpins shy behavior. They also provide practical strategies for parents to support shy children without forcing them to change.

Key Concepts Discussed

Definitions

  • Shyness: A sense of awkwardness or apprehension when approaching or being approached by others, often linked to fear.
  • Introversion: A preference for quieter, low-stimulation environments, differing from shyness which is rooted in anxiety.
  • Behavioral Inhibition: A personality trait marked by a fearful and withdrawn response to unfamiliar people, places, or things, often indicating a risk for developing social anxiety disorders.

Nature vs. Nurture

  • Shyness is influenced by both genetic and environmental factors.
  • The hosts emphasize the importance of understanding that shyness can stem from biological predispositions as well as parenting styles.

Shyness vs. Social Anxiety

  • While shyness can be normal, persistent shyness that leads to avoidance of social situations may indicate social anxiety disorder (SAD).
  • The hosts provide criteria for when to seek support, emphasizing the importance of recognizing when shyness affects daily life.

Labeling Children

  • The problematic nature of labels is discussed. Calling a child “shy” can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and impact their self-esteem.
  • The importance of using neutral language and avoiding labels in front of the child is highlighted.

Practical Strategies for Parents

  1. Prepare Children: Prepare kids for social situations in advance to reduce anxiety.
  2. Respect Pace: Allow children to engage at their own pace without forcing participation.
  3. Praise Efforts: Focus on praising effort rather than performance to build confidence.
  4. Teach Coping Skills: Introduce relaxation techniques and scripts for social interactions.
  5. Encourage Buddy Systems: Help shy kids find friends in social situations to ease their anxiety.
  6. Adjust Expectations: Understand that every child is different, and their way of having fun might not align with traditional expectations.

Conclusion The episode wraps up by reminding parents that shyness is a variation in temperament that requires management rather than a cure. The hosts encourage listeners to embrace their children’s unique personalities, advocating for a supportive and understanding approach to parenting.

Resources Mentioned

  • Various articles and studies on shyness, introversion, and behavioral inhibition.
  • Links to helpful parenting resources for dealing with shy or anxious children.

Final Thoughts As mothers, Amy and Margaret emphasize the importance of community and support among parents. Listeners are encouraged to share their experiences and seek guidance when needed, reinforcing that they are not alone in their parenting journey.

Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.

Chapters

Tap a time to open that second in VO

Exploring Shyness in Kids

0:45 to 1:11

Discussion on the nature of shyness in children and its implications.

“A podcast that solves today's parenting dilemmas so you don't have to.”

Nature vs. Nurture in Shyness

1:11 to 1:54

Analyzing the balance of genetics and parenting in child shyness.

“I feel like more than one of my kids in my day and age would be like a kid shy.”

Understanding the Neurobiology of Shyness

1:54 to 2:51

Insight into the neurobiological factors contributing to shyness.

“We're not going to be solving like why do kids turn out the way they are.”

Differences Between Shyness and Introversion

2:51 to 4:06

Clarifying the distinctions between shyness and introversion in kids.

“Anybody who has the kid who always clung to their skirts or their pants at school, the kid who cried till Thanksgiving at preschool drop off.”

The Role of Labels in Childhood Behavior

4:06 to 6:41

Discussing the impact of labels like 'shy' on children's development.

“There's also more of a character trait that is introversion.”

Managing Shyness and Anxiety

6:41 to 8:10

Strategies for managing shyness and understanding its nuances.

“Because shyness is weakness in people's mind, right?”

Characteristics of Behavioral Inhibition

8:10 to 11:15

Exploring key characteristics associated with behavioral inhibition in children.

“Which I think is a very important distinction, right?”

Real-Life Examples of Shyness in Action

11:15 to 12:54

Sharing personal anecdotes illustrating shyness and behavioral inhibition.

“So let's talk about key characteristics of behavioral inhibition.”

Understanding Behavioral Inhibition

16:32 to 17:40

Explore the concept of behavioral inhibition and its implications for children.

“It's considered an early emerging temperament, sometimes seen from infancy as a strong negative reaction to novel stimuli.”

The Role of Parenting Styles

17:40 to 18:48

Examine how different parenting approaches can influence children's anxiety levels.

“But something to just note, variability.”
Show all 22 chapters

Encouraging Social Interaction

18:48 to 19:42

Discuss strategies for gently encouraging children with social anxiety.

“don't want to skip over that parenting styles do have effects on children.”

The Impact of Overprotective Parenting

19:42 to 21:04

Analyze the potential negative effects of overprotective parenting on children.

“One of my kids had a kid in their class who was selectively mute at school.”

Understanding Temperament Variability

21:04 to 22:24

Learn about temperament characteristics and how they affect children's behaviors.

“And we can take out the part where we're like, Amy, you really screwed up that kid.”

Nine Characteristics of Temperament

22:24 to 26:22

Discover nine key characteristics that define children's temperament.

“Here's something I thought was really interesting that goes into my why are some kids category.”

Parenting Strategies for Shy Children

26:22 to 28:00

Explore effective parenting strategies for supporting shy and hesitant children.

“of, now they define a bunch of temperaments, and this is the shy or slow to warm up, hesitant, or shy child.”

Understanding Child Shyness

28:00 to 29:08

Learn about the interplay of shyness and mood in children and how to recognize signs of distress.

“dive and just launching themselves off and not even looking at who's in the water beforehand.”

Cultural Perspectives on Introversion

31:44 to 36:11

Explore how different cultures perceive introversion and communication styles.

“Answer the phone even when it's an unknown caller.”

When Shyness Becomes a Problem

36:11 to 38:48

Identify signs of problematic shyness and learn how to support children effectively.

“Because shyness, if it's fear-based, you wanna try to address that fear.”

Practical Strategies for Helping Shy Kids

38:48 to 42:01

Get actionable tips on preparing and supporting shy children in social settings.

“it might be time to talk to a professional about this and not just use this checklist that we're presenting you.”

Strategies for Supporting Shy Kids

42:01 to 43:55

Learn practical strategies to help shy children feel more comfortable in social situations.

“You can Google breathing GIF, and it's like a little window that opens and closes.”

Reframing Shyness as a Strength

43:56 to 45:29

Discover the perspective that shyness can be a positive trait and how to nurture it.

“So you may need to reform your own ideas about quietness.”

Encouraging Sharing and Connection

45:30 to 46:14

Find out how to promote sharing the podcast and connecting with others in the parenting community.

“If you know someone who has a shy kid and you found this episode useful, or just someone who has a kid and you found that the why are some kids aspect of this episode was helpful, please share it.”
Hear the part that matters, and keep it.Open this episode in VO. Double tap your headphones to save a moment as you listen.
Get VO free

Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:00Heidi Rodriguez:You know that thing where you get an amazing pair of shoes at a really great price and want to tell everyone about it? Yeah, so do we. Here at Designer Shoe Warehouse, we'll give you something to brag about. Like the latest styles from brands you love, or the trends everyone's obsessing over, or shoes that make you feel like, well, you.

0:19Angela Santomero:So go ahead, show off a little. Find shoes that get you at prices that get your budget. Head to your DSW store or DSW.com today. DSW, let us surprise you.

0:32Heidi Rodriguez:Are we going home now? What fresh hell. Laughing in the face of motherhood. What is with this kid not enjoying Disney World?

0:39Angela Santomero:With Margaret Ables and Amy Wilson. And I have a kid who we would have 25 hours on. I slam my finger in the door.

0:46Heidi Rodriguez:A podcast that solves today's parenting dilemmas

0:49Angela Santomero:so you don't have to.

0:51Heidi Rodriguez:We annoy people with how we make a lot of noise and take a fall out of space and won't stop talking.

1:01Heidi Rodriguez:Hey, everybody. Welcome to What Fresh Hell? Laughing in the Face of Motherhood. This is Amy. And this is Margaret. And today we are talking about why are some kids shy? I love this topic. What's shy? I feel like more than one of my kids in my day and age would be like a kid shy. Maybe it's something else entirely. Does it matter? Is it something you're supposed to think about? I'm looking forward to learning more. Yeah.

1:25Angela Santomero:I mean, I was definitely thinking we could have just called this episode, why are some kids? Because we're really talking about where do our kids come from? Like, how do they come out like this? You know, this extroverted mom have a very introverted kid or, you know, theatrical mom has a shy kid. Like, how do these things happen? And the strongest answer is we have no idea. So we're not going to get that answer. We like to solve things. We're not going to be solving like why do kids turn out the way they are. But let's focus for a moment on shyness. What do we mean, Amy, by shyness from Psychology Today?

2:06Angela Santomero:Shyness is a sense of awkwardness or apprehension that some people consistently feel when approaching or being approached by others. Shyness is a response to fear and research suggests that although there is a neurobiology of shyness. The behavioral repertoire is orchestrated by a specific circuit of neurons in the brain. It is also strongly influenced by parenting practices and life experience. So it's just saying shyness is nature and nurture. Exactly. It's all the things. But I think it's interesting that they are getting into the neurobiology of personality, that some of this is truly, as you would say, baked in the cake, like literally baked.

2:51Angela Santomero:in the cake.

2:52Heidi Rodriguez:Anybody who has the kid who always clung to their skirts or their pants at school, the kid who cried till Thanksgiving at preschool drop off. I'm speaking from experience. It's just there. The buried face steeply in the neck whenever anyone tries to talk to them while

3:07Angela Santomero:you're holding them.

3:08Heidi Rodriguez:The kids who don't. I wonder if this is a tell because it's occurring to me that my kid who some people would call shy, which I think is kind of even an old fashioned thing to call a kid, was also the kid who was the most afraid of characters at Disney World. Interesting. It's like another kind of shyness. Like, I don't really want to talk to grownups and I definitely don't want to talk to Captain Hook. Same kid.

3:27Angela Santomero:And also, I think it changes over time. Like, there is a biological imperative for stranger danger from like 18 months to I don't know exactly what it is.

3:39Heidi Rodriguez:When they can start to move at all. I think it's around 10 months. Kids start to have a little bit of what I want my mommy and that's to keep them alive.

3:44Angela Santomero:Stranger aversion. So that part is like biologically imperative by age, right? that their instincts tell them, like, stay close to the person whose smell I recognize. Don't go near the person whose smell I don't recognize. Especially if that person happens to have a hook hand at Disneyland. That seems like a very reasonable. There's a lot wrapped up in the word shyness.

4:06Heidi Rodriguez:Okay.

4:06Angela Santomero:Right. There's also more of a character trait that is introversion. Being an introvert. Shyness and introversion are often mistaken for each other, but introversion reflects a preference for quiet and low stimulation environment. This is from Dartmouth Health, by the way. Shyness stems from social anxiety and understanding the difference is key to effectively supporting children based on their needs.

4:35Heidi Rodriguez:Okay. I got it. Yeah. Introversion is I prefer quiet. I prefer, I like things a little simpler and quieter and shyness is please don't make me talk to that person. I have a stomachache. It's different. Yeah. I'm an introverted extrovert or I'm an extroverted introvert or whatever. So this is all your mileage may vary. But shyness is anxiety is what I'm hearing this saying.

4:55Angela Santomero:That's what I am finding from reading about it is that shyness has a basis in fear and introversion is like a preference.

5:05Heidi Rodriguez:It's just a preference.

5:06Angela Santomero:Also, you have to think about like kids on the spectrum for human communication is difficult. They may not be feeling fear or shyness, but they may not be able to express themselves well in social situations. So this is kind of, I think, an exercise in trying to like peel apart what's going on with these different expressions of self, but that some of that peeling apart is an intellectual exercise. Do you understand what I mean?

5:35Heidi Rodriguez:Yeah, but I never really thought about not being able to make eye contact or preferring not to make eye contact. That's another thing that I think 20 years ago we would have pinned to shyness. That kid's shy. And now it's like that kid might be neurodivergent and it's not coming from fear. It's coming from I actually can't communicate if you force me to make eye contact. That's something else.

5:54Angela Santomero:Like with a lot of labels that we talk about on the podcast, the purpose of the label is dangerous, right? That kid's a picky eater. Don't even give him pickles. He'll never eat them. He takes them off every time. Don't give them to him. He's a picky eater. That kid is shy. Oh, they don't like to be around people. Oh, don't even talk to them. They're shy. Labels can be very helpful and very dangerous, often in equal amounts.

6:19Heidi Rodriguez:Yes. I used to sort of get irked when somebody would call my, what I think might have been a socially anxious kid, shy in front of them. Because again, it's a label and it's a pejorative one. Nobody's like, I really hope I get a shy kid. It's not seen as being awesome. And I think it has been seen as something that needed to be sort of toughened out of them. And I think that's dated and not fair, but I think it's true.

6:43Angela Santomero:Yes, that's right. Because shyness is weakness in people's mind, right? That being socially connected is good and being socially awkward is bad and something to be fixed. And this is where I really want our starting point to be. I just did one of my favorite fresh takes ever with Meredith Elkins talking about anxiety. And she used this incredible metaphor that you're in a pool and the anxiety is a beach ball and it keeps bumping you and it's bothering you. You're trying to enjoy the pool, but the beach ball keeps bothering you. So what you try to do is shove the beach ball under the water to get it out of your way, but that it takes so much effort to shove it down and that eventually it's going to pop back up.

7:24Angela Santomero:And so really your aim is to coexist with the beach ball of anxiety, not shove it under the water and put all this effort to being like, I'm pushing this away from me when it's so much easier to just be like, there's a beach ball here. It bumps me sometimes, but that's okay. Right.

7:42Heidi Rodriguez:And then on the other hand, it is easier to be comfortable in social situations than to be somebody who's not comfortable in social situations. It's easier to be somebody who can move through the world without anxiety about each interaction as it comes up. And so you want to help your kid feel more safe in the world, but not feel bad about themselves that they don't yet feel safe in the world?

8:03Angela Santomero:This is the trick that like anxiety, shyness is not something to be fixed. It is something to be managed. Okay. Which I think is a very important distinction, right? Like I am an anxious person who has OCD. I will always be an anxious person who has OCD. So me trying to be like, I got to stop feeling anxious ever. That's me pushing the beach ball down. But me saying like, okay, when my OCD symptoms get really bad and I'm like picking at my fingers, for example, and hurting myself, that's time for me to find another outlet for my anxiety, like carrying a pencil with me or whatever it is. I need to manage this experience, not rid myself of it.

8:43Angela Santomero:And I think shyness exists very much on the same plane.

8:47Heidi Rodriguez:Yeah.

8:48Angela Santomero:Okay. Another term for shyness, behavioral

8:52Heidi Rodriguez:inhibition. All right. I'm going to read this to you. This is the APA Dictionary of Psychology says behavioral inhibition is a personality trait, especially in children, marked by a fearful shy, and withdrawn response to unfamiliar people, places, or things. See, like every two-year-old, right? Yes. Often involving vigilance and distress. That's the part that's maybe less typical. And it's linked to a higher risk for developing social anxiety disorder later in life. Behavioral inhibition is a temperamental tendency to be cautious and avoid novelty stemming from a heightened sensitivity to potential threats.

9:29Heidi Rodriguez:So as you were saying before, a completely evolutionary advantage to have a two-year-old be a little wary of wandering too far away from the person who takes care of them, that maybe it's the vigilance and distress that maybe leads to social anxiety?

9:45Angela Santomero:Yeah. And this is to the part where it's baked in the cake. And we'll go through some characteristics. But I think of, I have many nephews, but my two nephews who are brothers, when they were little, we called them, and this is a bit of an oldie Lux alert, back in my day, Niles Crane, who was Frasier's brother on the sitcom Frasier. He was very nervous and very shy, but in a socially nervous way. And then Bam Bam, which was the Flintstones kid with the bat who just ran everywhere. It was like, I beat everything. And they were just so funny together because they were just the most opposite little personalities.

10:24Angela Santomero:And so, yeah, we saw that in these kids when they were four and five, let's say. So both of them probably had turning away from strangers when they were 18 months to three. But as they're little kids, their personalities very much diverge.

10:37Heidi Rodriguez:I have a much younger brother who, when he was little, my mother's brother, he still calls him Uncle No-No because my uncle and aunt took care of my little brother for the weekend and my parents were away and I was like out in the world. I was an adult. living on my own. Anyway, he kept his eyes closed for the entire weekend and would just say, no, no, no. And he made it to the weekend and he's uncle no, no. And we laugh about that. My brother is now a father himself and is able to freely move through the world. So I do want to say, if you do have the kid, the kid who closes their eyes every time a stranger comes in the room is something to support them through.

11:12Heidi Rodriguez:It is not something to worry about. It is a typical spectrum of childhood behavior.

11:17Angela Santomero:So let's talk about key characteristics of behavioral inhibition. Okay. Fear slash distress, feeling anxious or uncomfortable in new situations,

Read the full transcript

11:26Heidi Rodriguez:which literally everybody does, right? This is it. It's just some kids really feel this. True for everybody, really true for some people. Really true for some.

11:32Angela Santomero:And also really true for 18-month-olds through three-year-olds universally. So we're talking about probably a little bit older than that. Withdrawal, stopping play and pulling back from unfamiliar people or objects.

11:45Heidi Rodriguez:I saw this in my shy kid, quote unquote, shy kid, that they would enter a preschool classroom and choose the area of the classroom where nobody else was playing. Didn't matter what it was, as long as it was empty.

11:57Angela Santomero:Vigilance, being highly observant of surroundings for potential threats. Sensitivity to novelty, strong reaction to new stimuli. Something new happens that they're not used to. Some of this is biological, right? As we've said, some kids have more sensitive nervous systems. Yes. And they react more strongly than other kids to new people or new environments, right? Right. I had a kid recently that I took to the zoo and after every animal, look at the giraffe. Oh, that's great. Are we going home now? They just were not feeling the zoo. They were like, yeah, I'm going to play along. Not at the giraffe.

12:34Angela Santomero:Is it time to go? I'm like, no, next up zebras. Then they'd see the zebras. Oh, zebras.

12:39Heidi Rodriguez:Are we going yet? This is the same. Right. My kid who seemed strangely unaffected by Disney World, like underreacted to everything and was terrified of the characters. Like, oh, this was a new people and environment overwhelm situation. And I was like, what is with this kid not enjoying Disney World? It's a no thanks.

12:55Angela Santomero:Let's take a break. We're going to talk, Amy, about whether or not shyness is a nature or a nurture. Hellions, if you're like me, you have a phone that is full of some adorable pictures of your family, but also pictures of recipe that past you thought they were going to make someday and pictures of your parking spot so you can find your car. You want just your good photos, but who has the time to organize that?

13:20Heidi Rodriguez:Journey Print. It designs a beautiful and organized photo album for you in minutes. Journey's smart algorithm organizes photos automatically by date, and you drag and drop for quick and easy editing, and you can choose from lots of customizable themes to tell the story of your vacation, your year, or your kids' accomplishments.

13:38Angela Santomero:I just made my first JourneyPrint book, and I cannot tell you how easy it is. I did a look back at 2025 pictures, just grabbed all of the good ones, threw them in the app, and as Amy would say, bada bing, bada boom, I had a beautiful retrospective of my year in book form. The JourneyPrint app made it so easy. I have a fantastic looking book, and I sent a copy to both grandparents winning.

14:03Heidi Rodriguez:Go to journeyapp.com slash podcast slash fresh and use the code fresh to get 30 % off your next purchase. Gonna spell it.

14:11Angela Santomero:That's J-O-U-R-N-I app.com slash podcast slash fresh and use code fresh at checkout. Parents, if you see your kids struggling with reading and wonder what you can do to support them, you're not alone. And there is a way forward that doesn't involve yet another night of tear-filled homework battles.

14:31Heidi Rodriguez:That way forward is the Reading Guru. The Reading Guru offers live one-on-one online reading tutoring with Orton-Gillingham certified teachers. Orton-Gillingham Reading Tutoring is backed by research and is the gold standard for helping kids with dyslexia and other reading challenges.

14:48Angela Santomero:The Reading Guru's tutors are master literacy specialists who tailor every lesson to your child's strengths, challenges, and interests. and they don't move on until your child gets it. And because sessions are online, finding time is easy.

15:02Heidi Rodriguez:Extra support through the Reading Guru might be just what your child needs to bridge their skills gap and start to love reading. I've seen the methods the Reading Guru uses really help.

15:12Angela Santomero:Whether your kid has been frustrated with reading for years or you're just beginning to notice challenges, this could be the moment that changes everything. With the right help, your kid can become a great reader.

15:23Heidi Rodriguez:Visit readingguru.com to sign up for a free consultation because every child deserves to crack the reading code. These days, Hellions, I'm all about quality over quantity, especially in my closet. That's why I love Quince. They make high-quality wardrobe staples using premium fabrics like 100 % European linen, 100 % silk, and organic cotton poplin. Their lightweight cotton cashmere sweaters are perfect for the changing seasons. I love my Quince short-sleeve cashmere crew neck so much I got it in two more colors. Dress them up, dress them down, I'm out the door. Quince works directly with safe, ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen.

16:00Heidi Rodriguez:You're not paying for brand markup or fancy retail stores, just quality clothing. Right now, go to quince.com slash fresh for free shipping and 365-day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it, and you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince.com slash fresh for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash fresh.

16:31Angela Santomero:Okay, so we're still talking about the APA, American Pediatrics Association, Dictionary of Behavioral Inhibition. Okay. Temperamental basis. It's considered an early emerging temperament, sometimes seen from infancy as a strong negative reaction to novel stimuli.

16:49Heidi Rodriguez:Oh, that's interesting. So a baby that might cry a loud noise might be more likely. It's interesting that doesn't track with my own kids, but I could see that that would be true.

16:57Angela Santomero:And I think this is where we're going to spend the meat of talking about this. It is a risk factor for anxiety. While not all behaviorally inhibited children develop anxiety, stable behavioral inhibition significantly increases the risk for social anxiety and other anxiety disorders.

17:17Heidi Rodriguez:Consistent and persistent, like your kid is seven years old and still doesn't really want to meet anybody new. Yeah.

17:23Angela Santomero:I'm always wary about putting these things in front of parents in terms of like, well, if you see this, they're doomed. It's not that. Right. It's saying like all kids have something. And if you're seeing this, your kid may be on the more anxious end of the spectrum. We can deal with that when we get there. It's going to be okay. But something to just note, variability. The expression of behavioral inhibition can change over time, as you said, right? Like my kid was this, now they're that. Some children grow out of it. Others persist and will develop clinical anxiety.

17:57Heidi Rodriguez:Okay. And then here's the reasons why that it might persist. Yes. Stressful or overwhelming environments. Right.

18:03Angela Santomero:Like a kid who is being raised in a war zone is going to be more fearful than someone raised in an environment with no meaningful trauma.

18:15Heidi Rodriguez:Parenting styles, I'm wary of this one, but it's saying an overprotective parent versus a gently encouraging parent might mean that the expression of behavioral inhibition can persist. I don't know. Isn't that just like an anxious parent is going to have an anxious child because anxiety is inherited?

18:32Angela Santomero:I don't think so. And Meredith Elkins made this point really well. And it really stuck with me that in our effort, which is noble and right to say like, we are not blaming moms ever for the outcome of their kids. And this is not your fault that we don't want to skip over that parenting styles do have effects on children. We have to find the balance between like, well, if they have autism, it's because their mom was a refrigerator mother and they stunk and being like the way you parent has no outcome on your kids and every choice is equally valid. And I think that that's a place where you and I as moms sometimes overcorrect a little bit to be like, we're not here to blame moms.

19:16Angela Santomero:We are not here to blame moms. But what we're saying is for things like shyness and shyness that leads to anxiety, there are ways that you can adapt your parenting for better outcomes. And that's fair.

19:31Heidi Rodriguez:Yes, point taken. And I'm thinking about this gently encouraging thing. I did not have a kid with selective mutism, which is when a kid can speak but chooses not to. But chooses not to. One of my kids had a kid in their class who was selectively mute at school. I knew this. We had a birthday party in our home. Kids were little. I think it was a fifth birthday party. And they were all going around the circle and saying something they want. And I knew that this kid was selectively mute. And when it was their turn, I said, I'm going to make up a name, Jessica. What do you think? What do you think we should sing about next?

20:01Heidi Rodriguez:And I thought I was doing the right thing in the moment. I'm just being gently encouraging. But here I was like a stranger. She was in a strange place and a stranger was having everybody look at her. Now it's Jessica's turn. What should we sing about next? And I remember just the look of fear in her eyes. And she eventually said something. And it's okay. The world continued to revolve on its axis and all. But I wonder if my well-meaning efforts, I'm just going to really help her in this moment speak when she doesn't want to was really the right response.

20:30Angela Santomero:Yeah, it wasn't probably. And it doesn't mean you're a bad person, a bad parent. You should never be allowed to throw birthday parties again. And we all hate you. Right. But to say that being an extremely protective parent for whatever reasons you have, you have very good reasons to feel that you need to be extremely protective of your child. That came with you in your baggage, right? Right. But to acknowledge that children who have less free play and live in an extremely protective environment often have higher anxiety than children who do not is worthwhile information for parents. And we can take out the part where we're like, Amy, you really screwed up that kid.

21:15Angela Santomero:it's all your fault. But you can say a restrictive and overprotected environment, conversely, because it kind of goes against what we're keeping our children safe by walking with them to the store, even though they're 13 years old, you know, and clearing a path of obstacles for them. We're doing what we think is best. But what if we're actually think about nutrition, right? That like, oh, I was told that eating 19 bananas a day is the way to go. You're actually making your potassium too high and that's bad for your heart. Like you're trying to do the right thing, but let experts come in and guide the choices that you're making because they have more information than you.

21:57Angela Santomero:Right. We skipped the part where we're like, what kind of idiot eats nine bananas a day? Your heart attack is your own fault.

22:04Heidi Rodriguez:Yeah. What kind of idiot has a kid who's shy and you should do whatever you need to do to make them not shy? But it's just if you or someone you know experiences behavioral inhibition and it is something that can become very stable over time, you want to help that person gently push against it, not make sure your kid never has to talk to a stranger because they don't want to.

22:24Angela Santomero:Here's something I thought was really interesting that goes into my why are some kids category. I'd never heard this before. I thought it was super, super interesting from healthychildren.org. It breaks up nine characteristics that make up temperament. Are you ready for them? Sure. Number one, activity level, the level of physical activity, motion, restlessness, fidgety behavior that a child shows daily. Okay. Rhythmicity or regularity, the presence or absence of regular patterns for basic physical functions, appetite, sleep, bowel habits.

22:58Heidi Rodriguez:That's really interesting. Rhythmicity, your kid has a Arrhythmicity. Okay.

23:02Angela Santomero:Approach and withdrawal. The way a child first responds to new stimulus. People, situations, places, food, changes in routine, other transitions. Okay. Adaptability. How easily a child adjusts to change or a new situation. How well they modify their reaction. I would just say how they modify their reaction, not how well they modify their reaction, because it's just information. I wouldn't say like one is better than the other.

23:26Heidi Rodriguez:Right. And you could have a kid who's supremely adaptable and who doesn't seem to care about anything and goes with the flow.

23:33Angela Santomero:Intensity, the energy level with which a child responds to a situation, positive or negative. So that's like, I slam my finger in the door. God knows I have a kid who would be like, ow, what's for dinner? And I have a kid who we would have 25 hours on. I slam my finger in the door. That's intensity. Mood, how positive or negative a child's words and behavior tend to be. Okay, there's that point. Yeah. Attention span, the ability to concentrate and stay with the task. Obviously, distractibility is kind of the flip side of that. How easily they are distracted and sensory threshold, the amount of stimulation required for a child to respond.

24:10Heidi Rodriguez:This is so interesting because in my own family, the kid who other people would call shy most often, let me say it that way, like we get that feedback from other people, had an extremely high sensory threshold. So you would think that it would be like the kid who doesn't like loud noises or the kid who the baby who really cried when their diaper needed changing, whatever. That was not true for this kid. So it seems like these sliding scales can interact in many, many different ways.

24:35Angela Santomero:We'll put a link to this so that you can review it when you're not driving or doing laundry. But this is, and this is one person's opinion, this is not fact, but it is a theory that there is a way to kind of figure out your kid's starting point and temperament by judging these nine areas. And I thought it was super interesting. And it is really important, I think, to approach these things as what we call morally neutral. That like being active or not active is not good or bad. Being reactive to sensory or not reactive is not good or bad. Having a positive or negative mood is not even good or bad.

25:16Angela Santomero:It's just saying, I definitely know we're going to the amusement park. Hooray, we're going. We've got our outfits on. We've got our sunscreen on. Here we go. we pull up to the gate. The amusement park is closed today. I could tell you before which of my three kids are going to respond which way, who I'm going to have to work with, who's going to be like, I guess we could go to Burger King instead and go to the playground. I have kids who are more adaptable or less, more reactive or less, tend to see things more positively or more negatively. It's just information for me to have. And it helps to take out the thing of like, well you were in the day by reacting badly to the fact that the amusement park was closed like of

25:58Heidi Rodriguez:course they did that's their temperament and it also helps when you have a kid who is really a hair trigger or a kid who is extremely has great behavioral inhibition that they do kind of come out this way and you can support them where they need support right every kid needs support somewhere and you can support them when they need support you don't have to feel bad about yourself that you got a kid who cries easily. Parent the child you have.

26:21Angela Santomero:Here is healthy children's description of, now they define a bunch of temperaments, and this is the shy or slow to warm up, hesitant, or shy child. These children tend to have moods of mild intensity, usually but not always negative. They adapt more slowly to unfamiliar surroundings of people. They are often hesitant and shy when making new friends tend to withdraw when first meeting new people in circumstances. They typically become more accepting of new people and situations once they become more familiar.

26:52Heidi Rodriguez:This is very familiar and I love slow to warm up. It's a slightly more neutral way of putting it.

26:58Angela Santomero:Yeah, I think it's super interesting as you look at these temperaments, they're like dials, right? And we're always talking about like working the dials and like you're trying to, you know, maybe move the dials a little bit, you're not like shy is bad. You need to be outgoing. You're just saying, okay, if you know that shyness tends to have moods of mild intensity that are more than often negative, that's something we're working on as a mindset. I mean, I look at this and I think it would be an interesting exercise that my kids maybe are formed already and not as useful, but to like really go through this list and do it for each child and be like, that's right.

27:37Angela Santomero:they're very reactive, but they don't have strong reaction to stimuli. Like, it's really just figuring out who your kid is so that you can figure out how to help them. And like, when you talk about overprotective parenting being the problem, it's not that we're putting it on moms that they're the problem. It's that we're saying like, okay, Bam Bam is running up to the high dive and just launching themselves off and not even looking at who's in the water beforehand. I need to rein him in a little bit. Yeah, you're not going to let that kid do that. That's right. But Niles Crane might need a little bit of a push to go off the low diving board.

28:15Angela Santomero:Because the more they do things, the more self-esteem they'll have. And so it's not about saying your parenting stinks. It's about saying, do you know what the dials are? And you know how to adjust them. Saying this, by the way, for myself and you and everyone.

28:31Heidi Rodriguez:They do interplay. Yeah. They interplay because this little warm-up child's like, oh they're shy and then they also have these moods of mild intensity usually but not always when they experience unfamiliar surroundings or people like those aren't separate those are they're all wrapped up together it's wrapped up and it helps you be i think a little more when a kid is having a hard time they're having a hard time and they might throw a tantrum to tell you they really don't want to go into this birthday party where they don't know anybody they might turn up the dials their own noise to show you how much distress they're in i think just getting it just witnessing that something else is happening.

29:06Angela Santomero:We are going to take a break and then I want to come back with this thing that I know is going to blow your mind. Don't look forward in the notes, Amy. Okay, I'm going to just lay it on you. We'll be right back.

29:15Heidi Rodriguez:Nutrafol supports hair health from within, working over time to deliver results you can see and feel. So your hair becomes something you enjoy, not something you stress about. Okay, take it from me. Hair loss is normal as you age, but Nutrafol helps. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand, and it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists. You can order Nutrafol online, no prescription needed, with automated deliveries and free shipping to keep you on track. Plus, with a Nutrafol subscription, you can save up to 20 % and get added perks to support your hair health journey.

29:54Heidi Rodriguez:Let your hair be one less thing to worry about. See visibly thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair in three to six months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners$10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you visit Nutrafol.com and enter promo code laughing. That's Nutrafol.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com, promo code laughing.

30:23Angela Santomero:Who doesn't want to wake up with skin that looks better than before you went to sleep? Enter Osea's Dream Night Serum and Dream Night Cream, clinically tested formulas powered by bioretinol and designed to reduce the visible effects of stress on skin while you sleep.

30:39Heidi Rodriguez:We have been getting to try this whole Osea Dream collection, and I am really seeing a difference, especially with Osea's Dream Bioretinol Body Serum. I'm going to talk you through it. full body restorative treatment that de-stresses the skin with a holistic blend of bioretinol, red seaweed, magnesium, and lavender. It's a serum for your body. So I kind of hit my knees, my elbows, my décolletage, and then you smell good before bed too.

31:08Angela Santomero:Love it. Osea's Dream Bioretinol Body Serum reduces visible effects of stress on skin, improves elasticity, and delivers softer, smoother, and more radiant skin by morning. Give your skin a rest with clean, clinically tested skincare from Osea.

31:26Heidi Rodriguez:Right now, we have a special discount just for our listeners. Get 10 % off your first order site-wide with the code FRESH at oseamalibu.com. That's O-S-E-A Malibu dot com.

31:44Angela Santomero:And now, extroverts versus introverts. From the Webfresh Health Podcast. Extroverts. Go hard and then go home. Introverts.

31:54Heidi Rodriguez:Go home, stay home, repeat. Extroverts. Answer the phone even when it's an unknown caller. Introverts. Mute calls from their husband and their mom several times a day. Extroverts. Worry that unforeseen events will cancel plans.

32:12Angela Santomero:Introverts. Worry that fully foreseen plans will happen and they will actually have to go. Extroverts.

32:19Heidi Rodriguez:Energized by social situations. Introverts. Energized by going to parties and interacting solely with the host's pet. This has been Extroverts vs. Introverts. From the What Fresh Hell podcast.

32:36Angela Santomero:So, this is another thing that came up when I wasn't thinking about it, is how cultures value quietness and restraint. So this is a medium article, another theory. This is not a factual basis, and people could argue this from different ways, but it's just another way to think, which I think is so interesting. The West, influenced by Greek philosophy on debate and oratory, talking is evidence of thinking. In a lot of Asian cultures, influenced by Buddhism, talking is downplayed. enlightenment is achieved through introspection and reflection. Got it. Isn't that interesting that we value somebody who's talking and explaining?

33:20Angela Santomero:And it's funny because I teach communication and I often ask people to think of celebrities and how they communicate. And one of the metrics that we use, which is sort of random, is called 8-5-3. 8 being like your most outgoing, confident self, five being true neutral, and three, it's not like you're shyest. It's nothing negative. It's just your quietest, most introspective. And so eight might be like Steve Harvey, right? Or Kevin Hart, like a comedian, right? They're big. They're expressive.

33:53Heidi Rodriguez:Marcelo Hernandez from Saturday Night Live.

33:56Angela Santomero:That's right, right? And then five, I often use like Obama as an example. He's a true neutral to me. He's a very good orator and a very good speaker, but it doesn't have like showmanship along with it. And three, I often use religious figures like a Jesus or a Buddha who just is, they're more silent, you know, they're more quiet leaders. And that the most important part of teaching these communication styles, which is just, again, like this is information about how you communicate, is that three, eight, and five have no good or bad attached to them. They're just different ways of communicating.

34:33Angela Santomero:You're not better if you're Kevin Hart and worse if you're Buddha. They're just different, very strong ways of communicating.

34:41Heidi Rodriguez:And within this idea that Western society values talking more than maybe some other parts in the world, and then America is its own thing. I mean, ask anybody from another Western country, say in Europe, to imitate how Americans talk. It is loud. It is fast. It is incessant. We annoy people with how we make a lot of noise and take up a lot of space and won't stop talking.

35:04Angela Santomero:We had a dinner once a long time ago in Prague in the Czech Republic, and it was probably 12 of us, family cousins. We had gone over to run the marathon. It was a huge group. We just had a classic family dinner, like, oh, my God, talking. And somebody on the way out dropped a note on our table, and it was like, you rude American monsters. Other people are trying to enjoy their dinner. To us, like, it was just the most typical dinner. Like just the way you behave at a restaurant, laughing and talking and cheers and oh, my gosh. And I mean, we were taken. I was very embarrassed. But I was like, wow, this really is just a cultural difference.

35:41Angela Santomero:I think it's like we actually it's not like we were like breaking plates. We were just having to us a fairly normal conversation. Right. We value assuming that most people listening are American.

35:53Heidi Rodriguez:We do value being loud, being forthcoming. and so then we devalue an introverted presentation even more maybe than other cultures.

36:02Angela Santomero:Correct, I believe that's absolutely true. So I like the moral neutrality of it, but we should address when does shyness become a problem? Because it can. Because shyness, if it's fear-based, you wanna try to address that fear. You don't want fear to be ruling your child's or your own actions. And we've also established that shyness can lead to anxiety problems and social anxiety disorder, which has the very awful acronym of SAD as to seasonal affective disorder. SAD. SAD. When is shyness a concern? asks the National Institute of Mental Health. Here are three signs that they want us to look for.

36:46Angela Santomero:Number one, avoiding school or peers. So I know some people dealing with it and we dealt with it in my own family. the person in my family who had school refusal, one of the least shy people I have ever met. They have a profession that involves public speaking. They're like very funny, like they hit at every party. But the school refusal was weirdly connected to like shyness. You want to look, as Meredith Elkin said about anxiety, where is it impacting your daily life, right? How is it affecting you? So when my OCD is like, okay, I'm going to rearrange the desk before I stand up, no big deal. When my OCD is I'm picking the skin off my fingers and or touching 9 ,000 things and late for meetings because I can't stop touching things, it's a problem.

37:36Angela Santomero:So you have to just look for areas where it's affecting you. So one of the things to look at is this, where is it affecting you. Another great gauge for when this is a problem is intensity. If you're seeing an intensity of distress or panic, you've got a problem. So avoidance, interference, and intensity are like three goalposts you should use to say, is this a temperament that is one of the many temperaments and is morally neutral? Or are we moving into an area where this has become a problem.

38:12Heidi Rodriguez:Right. And it is also morally neutral to need support, to parent a kid with social anxiety, to get support. It is not a sign that you failed or that your kid is failing. It is a sign of your loving parenting that you recognize that this kid needs more support in this area.

38:30Angela Santomero:So we can give that support ourselves and we'll run through this list from ChildMind about helping shy kids, but also if this is becoming a problem that is bigger than something you can handle, there's lots of professionals who can help you with this. Lots of books you can read. So if this is something that is at that point of avoidance, high intensity or high interference, it might be time to talk to a professional about this and not just use this checklist that we're presenting you. But here are some ways we're going to help shy kids. Number one, as we've talked about, avoid labels like shy in front of the child.

39:07Angela Santomero:You're so shy. Stop being so shy. Oh, he's shy. He doesn't like to give hugs. Like with anything, picky eating, whatever it is, when you label a child, that label becomes heavy very quickly. Yeah.

39:19Heidi Rodriguez:And maybe share this episode if you have somebody in your family who doesn't get that they're not supposed to do that.

39:26Angela Santomero:Yeah. It's a good idea. Prepare kids for situations in advance. Again, why are kids? This is not just shy kids. This is kids with food aversions. This is kids who are on the spectrum. We're going to go there. There's going to be 12 people there. You can talk to one or none. You know, here's how, why this might be difficult, why this might not be difficult. Again, we're trying not to add difficulties, but preparation helps kids with anxiety, with all sorts of different things. There's going to be pizza there. I know you don't always like to eat pizza. If you feel ready to try it? Great. If not, I brought a ham sandwich in my bag, whatever it happens to me.

40:07Angela Santomero:Right, right. You got to find your own balance and not, you know, not solving problems that don't exist, but helping to prepare.

40:14Heidi Rodriguez:This next one goes back to what I was saying before. Respect this kid's pace and don't force participation. I'm thinking about this kid who was selectively mute. And just as I was about to be like, OK, this is in the millisecond. I'm like, this is a mistake and I shouldn't make this kid talk. She did. She did talk. She did say something. And then we went on but I learned from that yeah like thinking you're going to help this kid by forcing them to talk is

40:36Angela Santomero:not the best approach no and it this is something you're gonna have to figure we can't actually tell you how to parent your child right but it might look like do you want to share today right head nod okay we'll move on so you don't skip her because you're like oh this kid doesn't talk I'll skip her you just always put it in their path here we're having eggplant parmesan for dinner put on your plate. If you don't like it, there's a role there, but we're not going to stop offering you. Right. Praise effort, not performance. This one is again, why are kids? This is a great thing. I love how you went to the end of the board and you looked in the water.

41:12Angela Santomero:That was a big step for you. Normally you don't even go past the steps. I saw that you got all the way to the edge. Like, wow, you're really trying. You're really challenging yourself. That's so impressive to me. We're praising the effort, not you didn't jump in the water. So you failed. Right, right.

41:28Heidi Rodriguez:No ice cream for you today. And then you can talk about coping skills, deep breathing, scripts for introductions. There's great books out there aimed at kids like this that that have scripts that you can read with your kids, talk to your kids about, you know, what should you say if somebody at the Boy Scout meeting asks you what you like to do? I wonder what you would say. Talk about it on the way.

41:48Angela Santomero:So helpful. You've also talked about practicing meditation and other breathing exercises. There's a GIF. You can find it anywhere. Some people say GIF, but I've used it with all my kids. You can Google breathing GIF, and it's like a little window that opens and closes. It's like match your breathing to this. And I have some kids who, when they feel out of control, saying calm down is not helpful. But if I pull that gif out and I'm like, I just want you to breathe along with this breathe in breathe out with the picture Simple things that can really help before you find yourself in the situation Sometimes things like finding a buddy, right?

42:29Angela Santomero:And this you've said that you've had people reach out. I've reached out Hey at the birthday party your kid is the only other kid my kid knows Can you have your kid look out for my kid a little bit in this situation? I wouldn't do this all the time. I think kids have to figure this out on their own, but like it's okay you can also for yourself find a tribe hey we're still we're all struggling this is what is working for your kid what's working for my kid and then i think also adjusting expectations right all right i got a bam bam who just will fling himself off of the high dive or the lake swing but i have found looking back at my parenting that the times where i was the most misguided was when i was like the lake swing is fun.

43:14Angela Santomero:Therefore, my kid cannot have fun at the lake unless they go off the lake swing. That is a me problem. My kid might be having fun at the lake by making a pile of rocks away from the water. And I'm so busy. Like the story of the lake is we go off the lake swing. And if my kid doesn't do that, then they're not having fun. That's my bad parenting. That's interesting.

43:38Heidi Rodriguez:Yeah. Yeah. In my case, I think it's like if I get all these things set up, if I make sure that the mom knows that her kid is going to wave to my kid and you said and it still doesn't go well. Right. What am I even saying? Even saying doesn't go well, doesn't go well as in like your kid is still shy that day. It doesn't mean that anything anything wrong happened. I'm going to lay these takeaways on you before we go.

43:57Angela Santomero:Number one, quietness can be strength. So you may need to reform your own ideas about quietness. We talked about this with the Prague table. We talked about this with the loud Americans. You can think like this shyness is introspective, like Buddhism, and that many cultures think that looking within is more valuable than speaking out loud. What is the famous quote that people use at their wedding? Like, love is not a clanging gong. It's like a quiet reflection, you know? Reframe your thinking about it. Many shy kids grow into thoughtful, empathetic adults. That's my Uncle No-No story. Uncle No-No is a wonderful, empathetic adult.

44:39Angela Santomero:Yes. And the final thing I want to say is that shyness, like any other personality trait, although people would argue whether or not it's a personality trait, is a variation. It is like anxiety. It needs to be managed, not cured.

44:54Heidi Rodriguez:Yeah. This was very, very helpful to me. And I'm going to be, you know, rethinking this and looking into this some more because I think there's work to be done here for me. For me.

45:04Angela Santomero:Yeah, I thought it was super interesting. And we're going to list those nine characteristics that make up temperament because I'm going to go through it and do it with my own kids and be like, OK, what am I dealing with here? And my kids are one of them is heading to college like the cake is baked at this point. But I'm still interested in doing this.

45:23Heidi Rodriguez:the ways that you help your kids as they grow can still be informed by your understanding of their internal temperaments, for sure. Absolutely. If you know someone who has a shy kid and you found

45:34Angela Santomero:this episode useful, or just someone who has a kid and you found that the why are some kids aspect of this episode was helpful, please share it. You could do that right from your screen. Anywhere you're listening, there's a little share button. And you can also find us on Instagram.

45:51Heidi Rodriguez:Instagram at WhatFreshHellCast. We've got about, we're getting close to 10 ,000 followers now, which I want to do. And we share all our episodes in there. We share shorts from our episodes in there. That is another great way to share our content with people. If you like it, you can take one of our reels and you can share it to your story and the more people will see it and maybe find our show. So help us out. That would be great. We love it for us. We love it for you. And thanks so much for listening. Thanks, everybody.

46:25Angela Santomero:This podcast is supported by Midi Health.

46:28Heidi Rodriguez:Are you in midlife feeling dismissed, unheard, or just plain tired of the old health care system? You're not alone. In fact, even today, 75 % of women seeking care for menopause and perimenopause issues are left entirely untreated. But it's time for a change.

46:48Angela Santomero:It's time for Midi. Midi's not just a health care provider. It's a women's telehealth clinic founded and supported by world-class leaders in women's health.

46:58Heidi Rodriguez:Their clinicians provide one-on-one, face-to-face consultations where they truly listen to your unique needs. They offer a full range of holistic, data-driven solutions that isn't one-size-fits-all care. This is care uniquely tailored for you. At Midi, you will find that their mission is clear, to help all women thrive in midlife, giving them access to the health care they deserve. Because they believe midlife isn't the middle at all. It is the beginning of your second act. Ready to feel your best and write your second act script? Visit JoinMidi.com today to book your personalized, insurance-covered virtual visit.

47:36Heidi Rodriguez:That's JoinMidi.com. Midi, the care women deserve.

From the publisher

Why are some kids shy? Is there harm in giving a kid's personality that label? In this episode, we explore the differences between shyness, introversion, and behavioral inhibition, and why fear—not preference—is often at the heart of shy behavior.

We also discuss when shyness becomes a concern, and when it’s time to seek extra support.

Finally, we share practical strategies for helping shy or slow-to-warm-up kids feel safe without forcing them to change.

Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode:

Psychology Today: Shyness

Dartmouth Health Children's Blog: The Difference Between Shy and Introvert
APA Dictionary of Psychology: Behavioral Inhibition

Healthychildren.org: Understanding Your Child's Temperament: Why It's Important

Katherine Martinelli for Child Mind Institute: Helping Young Children Who Are Socially Anxious

Arlin Cuncic for Verywell Mind: Differences Between Shyness and Social Anxiety Disorder

Deborah Ko for Medium: Redefining Extraversion: How Cultural Differences Shape Our Understanding of Leadership

APA on YouTube: Why are some kids shy? With Koraly Pérez-Edgar, PhD

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Margaret Ables and Amy Wilson.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/⁠

mom friends, funny moms, parenting advice, parenting experts, parenting tips, mothers, families, parenting skills, parenting strategies, parenting styles, busy moms, self-help for moms, manage kid’s behavior, teenager, tween, child development, family activities, family fun, parent child relationship, decluttering, kid-friendly, invisible workload, default parent, shy children, why are some kids shy, behavioral inhibition, child temperament, introversion vs shyness, social anxiety in kids, slow to warm up child, parenting shy kids, anxious children, child social anxiety, labels and kids, supporting shy kids, child development psychology, fear-based behavior, parenting podcast shyness
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

More from What Fresh Hell: Parenting, Relationships, and Making Life Better, with Two Funny Moms

All 197 episodes
Why Are Some Kids Shy?What Fresh Hell: Parenting, Relationships, and Making Life Better, with Two Funny Moms · 43 min
Listen in VO