Dulce Sloan: Will You Be My Valentine?

25:08Abso-fucking-lutely. Then abso-fucking-lutely. But we also didn't ask what men are you going to be stuck with in the forest instead of a bear? Ah, touche. No, any man's a problem. Any man's a problem. Listen, are we going to spend a tiny man? You send me a tiny man. Peter Dinklage in this bitch. Yeah, spin Peter Dinklage. I might have him. But if he catch me in the shins, it's over. You see what I'm saying? Like, I don't know his moves. I don't know he got a weapon on him. You just sent one man. I don't know what's on him. Okay, maybe I should ask. A bear? Grizzly? A black bear? Let's start there first.

25:43And what kind of man would you choose to be, not to be stuck with in the forest? Here's the thing. I exist and I'll tell you why I'm asking you this I exist in I exist in a body where a lot of men aren't paying attention to me anyway hmm so hmm that's crazy this man got Foley your boys over here doing sound effects did you call it Foley yeah that is one of the deepest cuts that's amazing most people would say sound effects that's when you know someone's in the movie industry she said she called it Foley Foley artist over here Oh yeah, no, no, Eugene's got hella foley. Outside. Crazy. Man, nuts.

26:27He's thirsty. I don't... Here's the thing. I thought it was such a silly question that I didn't really think about it. So I started a newsletter because you have to always constantly be talking to people. And I put a silly thought at the end of it. And the one I put in it this week was, is an acai bowl fruit soup?

26:50Huh. so that's the level so when i saw that bear man versus bear thing or a hundred men versus a gorilla wait wait don't just move on that's is an acai bowl just fruit soup right what makes a super soup is it a fruit stew you see what i'm saying so it's it's silly shit like that so like i used to tell one of my friends that i think a doctor is a body mechanic i think that's correct right so just goofy shit like it's just a dumb like it's just a silly thing i think of so like is a doctor a body mechanic? Is that fruit soup? They don't put, you know, there's numbers in math, but there are no, there's letters in math, but there's no numbers in words.

27:30Had a full blown argument with my brother for 20 minutes about this until my mom was like, just say there's no numbers in words, damn. But yeah, there's numbers in math. How long has your brain been like this? I don't have a husband or children to take up space. So I get to think about goofy shit. You think your brain would stop if you had them around? I think I would have other things to think about other than acai bowl with fruit soup. When was the first time you noticed that your brain wasn't working like most people's brains were working? Because you're an interesting combination of things.

28:06You have what I call the leaky brain of a comedian. But then you also are one of the most genius people I know when it comes to learning, retaining information. expanding on that information. I mean, even in school, you were in... I was in gifted classes. Yeah, you were in all the gifted classes. You were solving the puzzles. Yeah, which is so funny because physics has never clicked for me. But I think that the thing that always bothered me about physics was it was like, they wanted us to calculate the... You had to learn about vectors. And they're like, okay, somebody's throwing this ball off a cliff and calculate.

28:41I remember going to class going, but he can't get the ball back. So why am I doing this? that's where your brain went i went to my teacher i said excuse me why are we calculating this he can't get the ball back my teacher went what i said what if he threw the ball off the cliff he ain't going to get it so why do i need to know how fast it took to get down what was he acceleration of this he's it's gone forever why do i need to know this information so i need things that make that's why like geometry made sense for me uh chemistry made sense for me because there was too much as much as i was a theater kid i could suspend a disbelief yeah yeah okay some stuff is this is busy work.

29:17This is real middle management bullshit. You're not trying to get I'm not getting it. I'm never there's a difference between I'm never going to use this and this man needs a job. I didn't like being participating and just keeping some white man employed. I did not like that because I need I need certain things to make sense even if they're ridiculous. I love science fiction but sometimes it has to be like that's why every joke they're like well every joke has a bit of truth to it. Some of it doesn't. Some of it's just purely goofy. Some of it is purely funny. Some of it just It's just words put together that makes a person laugh.

29:46It's a usable fruit soup. Goofy shit. Like that I understand. But it's like, I think the first time I was like, I remember never believing in Santa Claus because the logistics didn't make sense. That was your big gripe as a child. Like not even from the beginning. There was no point where you believed in it. They explained it to you once and you immediately went. What part of the logistics didn't make sense? One, I knew my mom wasn't going to let some random man in our house. Okay. That was first. Two, I knew some random... But you don't have to let him in the house. That's the first thing. Well, I knew like when we first, like the first place we lived didn't have a chimney and I was like, well, are we out?

30:20That's true. I thought that in South Africa because we basically, no one had chimneys essentially. And then when we lived somewhere with a chimney, I was like, this definitely isn't going to work. Also, my mother never told us he was real, but my mother never told us he wasn't real. Wait, how did you account for the magic though? Because remember there's magic as well. Right. Santa Claus makes sense because of the magic. The logistics bugged me. Yeah, but the magic, the magic covers the logistics. It's like, you got to think of Santa, Like, okay, think of Amazon. Right. Let's say we told somebody about Amazon 2 ,000 years ago.

30:49They would go, this doesn't make sense. No, they wouldn't. What do you mean in one day something can get to you? From where? And you'd be like, yeah, so I think of something that I would like or need. And then a day later, it is here. And they would say to you, so you can just dream of Odysseus' brush and it shall appear. And you're like, yes, it will appear. Yeah. But home delivery. But we were but things were getting delivered to homes forever. So even in Rome, somebody was like, hey, I bought some bread. Oh, boy, from the bakery is bringing bread. You know, when the shadow hits this part. Yeah.

31:24So then Santa Claus is home delivery. But I think it never made sense to me because nobody was because everybody was depending on the fact that I was a child. And I just like, oh, you can tell kids. OK, OK, OK. OK. So you didn't like that. Well, it was like, once you start asking questions and you realize they have no answers. That's what gets you. That's when I'm just like, well, what the fuck? I was like, well, how's he get here? On a sleigh with reindeer. Fine. I can accept the magic of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. But I'm just like, well, what kids did he know to come to? Because I was sitting there going, I was like, well, not every kid is a Christian.

31:55So I'm like, there's whole countries he ain't got to go to there. So that gives him more time because not every country got Christians in it. Isn't he going to India? Right. There's Christians in India. Right. He's going to 17 Christians in India going on about his business. I don't know the logistics that are information behind that. But I'm like, okay, he's not going to the whole world because there's not Christians that live everywhere. Fine. And then the news in Georgia, they would have, you ever see in America, they would do the Santa Tracker. So they would be like, okay. Oh, yeah, and then they'd show you where he is in the world right now.

32:21Right, and I'm like, yeah. On Christmas Eve, they would have the Santa Tracker. Yeah, and you could see where he is, and they'd be like, oh, he's crossing over Iowa right now. Right, and I'm like, wow. Kids would have to go to bed. Yeah, you'd have to go to bed. It's like they just knew where he was because it was, I guess, midnight day or something. That's where Santa was now. But he was never, but you would never be like, it wasn't like, he's in Georgia, go to sleep. You're like, you're not going to bed. It's like, oh, he's over, like, oh, he's flying over Kenya. He's going to be in America soon.

32:49And you're like, all right, maybe. But we need to go to sleep. So, but as soon as you - Did you go to sleep distrustingly? Okay, maybe. All right. Why did you go to sleep? Sure. Why did you go to sleep without so much distrust? Okay, wait, wait, wait. But sort of to Eugene's point is like, did you I'm trying to understand young Dulce that's what I'm trying to understand so I see like I see this little girl who is very logical wants things to make sense but like what part of your imagination did you go crazy were there things that you did believe in or did think about that you know what I mean weren't logical in that way well like I remember like finding out about like imaginary friends and I was like oh I should get one of those But then I kept forgetting about it.

33:39Because I'd give myself one and be like, oh, fuck, I had an imaginary friend. Oops. You were basically like, these are like Tamagotchis that you were killing. Yeah, like a Tamagotchis. So I'd be like, Duse forgot to water her imaginary friend. And I'd be like. You know there's a Pixar movie in this somewhere. A kid who keeps forgetting their imaginary friend. Yes. And then their imaginary friends are like dying because they aren't remembered. Because if you're not imagined, you can't live. Right. But if you were a better imaginary friend. Yes. You might not have gotten forgotten. Wow. You're blaming the imaginary friend for not being imagined.

34:09But I'm also six. So it's like how much, how can I maintain? Like, you know, if you watch like DW for Arthur, she's had an imaginary friend for at least 15 years. Nadine's doing a lot of work. I, on the other hand, had human friends. So I would also have cousins and stuff. So I had people taking up my time. I had a little brother. I didn't have time for an imaginary friend. I had a little brother I had to keep alive. When you don't have siblings, an imaginary friend, eyes. So how many of these imaginary friends did you have and let go? I don't know. I had one for like 30 minutes. It just seemed like too much work for me.

34:43I love that you imagined somebody who was annoying. That's a special way to see the world is that you get to make up your own person and you make them annoying. You're like, man, get the hell out of here. This is too much because I'm like, how much I got to play with you? Why couldn't you imagine a person who was self-sufficient? and just chill. Because it's like there's still no one here. It's like every time I think about like like it's the idea of me wanting to get married. The idea of my husband is an imaginary fucking friend. Yes. Like every day I'm just like I hope he's like please God. I've been losing eggs.

35:17You want to get married? Absolutely. What do you like about the idea of getting married? I want to make people and I don't want to do it by myself. Okay. Okay. Yes. So that's why I got my eggs for you. I like this. So you don't want to get married. You just want to make people and you don't want to do it by yourself. I absolutely want to get married but it's also So it's like, I think we have, I think Western culture has sold us so much of the love of a thing. Oh my God, now I sound like a booker. But it's, it makes sense for a long time that like marriage was a contract between people. Yeah. And then we made it a love thing, right?

35:49And so now we've kind of lost the idea of this is two people. Because once like the emotions can fall out of a thing. So it's like, we're not doing the work anymore. Right, right. So it's like as much as a friendship is work as opposed to any relationship with a person is work. It's like, for instance, I had a friend breakup last week. Right. As opposed to I can't be friends with this person. The real friend. Mm hmm. And so because of just things going on in our friendship that I was like, this isn't working for me. Right. And it was. But you we don't talk about friend breakups as much as we talk about relationship breakups.

36:23Yeah. Because a friend breakup is like this was never supposed to happen. It was we are forever, which also doesn't make any sense. so like I what I've always wanted like the last time I had a boyfriend was I was 30 I'm 42 and so 12 years yeah but last boyfriend I had cheated on me and so but then like I started so like around so I was like 30 but around like 33 I started being on the road like full time and then I moved here and then I was in so it was just like it was things and then that's when I found out oh men don't like it when you're gone all the time you're on the road because my homeboy said to me one day he was like listen he said you might not have had a boyfriend but you weren't alone and I was like well that's true there was some negro wasted my time or white don't worry um somebody would pop up a gentleman you talked to for a little bit right but it's I want to be I want to be in a long-term relationship right and one of my friends I was talking to her about that and she said she asked me she's like do you think you're ready to be a wife.

37:25No one asked you that question. No one ever asked you that question, but no one asked men if they're ready to be a husband. No one asked anybody if they're ready to do these things. You just think, you fall in love and you find somebody and you don't think about the fact whether you're ready. And I, but one of the issues that I've had is that I have been asked repeatedly and I don't know if what, and I was talking about one of my friends about this last night. I don't know if this is something we just do to black women or all women, but because I am in the position that I am in, right? And because I have the career that I have, it's sometimes frustrating for me, right?

37:59Because it's like, I have an Emmy at my house. They can count all the people that have Emmys. You can't really count all the people that are married, right? So I am doing well at a very hard thing. But I'm failing at something people do every day. And so that in my brain is where I get upset because I can't shake the feeling that I'm failing. But also, I had to think, is there anything I want in my life that I couldn't get on my own? And this is the only thing that I truly want, that I have to be like… Need someone else. I need someone else. And then I was like, well, that's not true because I was doing standup and I'm acting, but you have to get agents.

38:53You have to get a manager. Someone has to see you and go, I want to help. So it's like, and especially as comics, because this doesn't happen with actors, as comics, some of your first opportunities as a comedian is someone going, hey, you're funny, come do a thing. Hey, come, you're funny, come get on this show, come do this. And I don't think, and so it's funny for like as, as lonely, quote unquote, as much as like comedy is like you're doing a lot of work on your own, you're all your opportunities come from other people, especially when you first start out. And so it's like, oh, so I need the opportunity to be like, please, sir, make me a mother.

39:35Cause, cause then there's also the thing where people go, why don't you do it on your own I was like I don't want to be a statistic that's why and I watched my mother do this on her own it didn't seem like it was fucking fun and so now I was just like because I'm either being I'm either trying oh I can do it on my own or or I can be with a man who is not who cannot pay the bills in my house so pause there but hold on wait wait don't don't I'll tell you why wait pause because I don't want us to lose the beginning part, which I think is really insightful and important. And then we're going to go through it.

40:12So we'll put a pin in that part. Pay the bills. Listen, you don't break down. No, no, pay the bills. Because you have to remember, most people get divorced in America because of finances. Not because somebody cheated. Not because somebody fell out of love. Most people in America get divorced because of finances. That's the number one reason America people get divorced. So I'll go backwards. One of the first things you said when talking about this was about getting married. And you said, it's something that you have to do with somebody else. It's something that you have. I think you've tapped into something that a lot of people are experiencing across the board.

40:50But I love that you brought it up the way you did. Because I do feel like the weight is felt differently between men and women. Absolutely. Right? But men are definitely feeling it. Just at a way less Male loneliness No, no, no, no On a way less level But it is Let me tell you something You say goofy Goofy is what starts militias And crazy armies Listen I said to my homeboy That I was incel one day And he was like That's not true I said of course it is I said I am celibate And it is very involuntary These are This is what incel means Involuntary celibate Yes I would love to be having sex time There's nothing better than having your legs in the air And yet Trevor do you agree?

41:35Get up Can I tell you what's funny? Tell me Having your legs in the air Is that you made me You made me picture my legs in the air That's what I hate about what you did to me there That's what good friends are for That's what you did to me there Sure You made me Anytime Because you asked it My first instinct My first instinct was to defend myself But the first thought I had Anytime The first thought I had Was me with my own legs in the air Whenever I hear something enjoyable, I think of who could enjoy this more? And my friend comes to mind and I'm thinking, look, there's an opportunity for someone's legs.

42:08Who would enjoy? He's an idiot. Who would enjoy this? Stop talking. Who would enjoy this more? So, okay. No, no, no. Wait. And I appreciate that about you. You a fool. So let's go back. Your friend is a dumb-dumb. So let's go back. Let's go back. He's an idiot, bro. So Also that is also The biggest form of respect From an American black person If they run away Because of something you said So just know You did well today So there was no bit They go If you go There's snacks in my purse So no If you If you go back to what you said Like You long for a time When it wasn't about love I actually think That's probably One of the biggest things We're grappling with now In society And we didn't understand it As a second system effect Right Right We In the same way that people Didn't understand What would happen when the globe Became connected via trade There were many things That would improve Oh money's gonna cross borders People will become wealthy But then it's like Oh poverty's also gonna speed up And white people Will spread illness Okay But like Second families Infigilitude Listen But all of these things These are second system Yes disease These are second system effects My uncle did have two families There you go So In the same city It was crazy So now we gotta but pin in that as well.

43:24Please remember this. He paid two bills. Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin. I don't know about all that. These are all pins. He's dead now, so it's fine. But I think that's what we haven't fully grappled with, right? Is the curse of choice is that it increases the amount of time that you need to choose. I don't think there's any human being out there who is not trying to find the perfect person for them. But that's, I think that, but that's the problem. No, no, wait, wait. It's the perfect person. No, but listen to what I'm saying. Right. It is a lot easier to assume that you have made the perfect choice once you've exhausted your choices.

43:59So when we grew up in a village where there were 20 people like in our age range, at some point you assumed that you had made the best choice because you had exhausted your choices. You went, okay, number 17. The hottest person around, yeah. Or the one for me, the personality and heart or the combination. But you were done. Then you made it a town. Then you made it a city. Then you made it a country. now you've made it infinite literally infinite dating apps social media etc like we talked about this with esther perel on the podcast but like the fact that people have a constant deluge of other human beings being put into their head and the option of them by the way because remember you'd walk in the streets before and you didn't know whether people were or weren't single so it's not it's not necessarily the same thing but a dating app is an infinite scroll you know for a of people.

44:49No, you don't. No, no, no, no. That's funny. I know what you're saying, but I'm saying still it is advertised as their single. Yes. Here's an app. It's what they're selling. It is advertised. It is advertised. Now, I think we haven't fully grappled with the price that society has paid for that infinite choice to your point, because I'll tell you now. Because people think they have better choices than they do. They think they have more options than they have. Yeah. So for instance, I got off of date naps because I was tired of my phone hurting my feelings oh so every time i would log in i'd be like man city doesn't want to fuck me that's crazy and then i put my phone down do you were you at the daily show when we did no you weren't uh we did a piece on this early on in the in the daily show when i was when i was hosting was um we did a thing on how and we actually had one of the guys funny enough who released a study they showed that black women and asian men have the worst results on dating like terrible oh yeah terrible terrible terrible terrible that's why i used to do a bit about the fact that uh because I think I sometimes do it and sometimes don't.

45:45I said we should come up with our own app and call it Black and Yellow. You know what it is. Right. And make the smartest basketball players the world has ever seen. You see what I'm saying? Well, we should just date each other, right? Because we get the worst. We truly do. Black women. So, for instance, my friend was like, somebody get on Match. I was living here. I got on Match. Match costs money, right? and so I was watching people pick every single ethnicity but black women like really Pacific Islander you don't know no fucking Pacific Islander when are you gonna meet this bitch you're telling me that you would rather meet Moana than me get the fuck out of here you are not gonna meet her bro Moana's never home though she's on a seat she's out here with grandma being a manta ray so if I'm looking on my because like one of my friends, same thing.

46:36Or people like, oh, just get on Raya, just get on Raya. Stop talking to me. I was on Raya, right? I was on Raya, saw you on Raya. And tried to take a screenshot and Raya goes, hey. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Oh, because like somebody doesn't have another phone. Don't do that. Listen. Yeah, but Raya was just trying to stop the people who weren't thinking far enough in advance. Right. They're just trying to stop impulse people. Don't do that. Don't do that. Hey. So then my homegirl took a picture of my phone and I texted you and was like, ah, you outside. So, you hurt your wrist.

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48:48In the same way there was like an industrial revolution, I think we're now entering into a new phase of sort of like a relationship revolution. And what I mean by that is we are still grappling with the effects that we don't know are going to start to affect the changes that we've made in society. Right. Right? So if you look back, as you said, to a time when marriages weren't about love, a lot of the people who were in that time did not like it. Yes. Because the thing they said was, I hated that I didn't have a choice. Right. I hated that I couldn't choose who I was going to be with. You would listen to grandparents You'd go Now don't get confused I wanted to be I don't want that time either No, no, no I'm not saying you do I wanted to be a combo No, no I'm not saying you do I'm just saying People would say You know You talk to your grandparents And they go Do you love my grandfather?

49:37And they'd be like I never loved He's not dead I never loved that man But I mean He's here Yeah We just had to do a thing We had to do a thing Right And then you move forward A generation You move forward another generation And I find it interesting It's really poignant that you brought it up that now we're searching for the opposite. It's like before the people had ultimate certainty. And so all they yearned for was a little bit of opportunity for something, you know, to pop up, just something that wasn't predictable. Don't define my path for me. And then now it almost feels like we've gone so far down the world of you have choice, whatever choice you want that now people yearn for the certainty i wish i knew i wish i could get with somebody i wish i knew when i i've had more conversations with friends in every walk of life women who are going i'm freezing my eggs but like in a way now it's becoming just ubiquitous oh yeah your insurance better be right because that shit cost me 35 000 i end up with two eggs but what i'm saying is there's no but this is a real conversation it's like eggs is like but But it's a thing.

50:42But for the first time in history, there's more women in their 40s than women that are teenagers in their 20s. For the first time in history, there are women who are financially stable having kids. Now, yes, that's the point. So now this is what I'm trying to get to. I want to go to something you said. And I know some things you say is a joke. Some things you say being real. So I actually want to get to it. You never knew. That's what I was about to say. No, but like. And I knew you. Which one? When you said, because I don't want to be with a man who doesn't pay the bills. This is like what I mean about that.

51:16Not doesn't, can't. Can't, fine. Can't pay the bills. That's fine. Can't. That's fine. Can't. Calm down. Can't. Can't. He loves trying to get an American accent right. Well, I have a Southern accent. We're good to go. We're good to go.

51:35I don't know why that was my first reaction. so that's what the pilot said um so so if we so if we if we look let's let's break the time you go like i don't want to be with a man who can't pay the bills let's start with this the the wise entry like why do you say that because he will you will end up with your enemy in your own bed because you have to think about this men have been told and this is not to the benefit of men or society at all right so men are told that they have to operate in a certain way by other men the confines of society because we're like i'm not even talking about toxic masculinity i'm talking about what a man is supposed to be doing he's supposed to be providing he's supposed to be taking he's supposed to be doing these things right if he cannot do these things he is either going to find fault in himself yeah or fault in you so if my mortgage is x amount of money and you cannot pay this mortgage, you're either going to find fault in yourself or find fault in me.

52:41And usually speaking to my friends who have been through this and women who have been through this, they find fault in you. And so now you're dealing with someone who resents you because I've dealt, because people are like, well, what if he's a nice guy? I've dealt with men who weren't as successful as me. And it always ends up with them being hurtful towards me because they resent me for the fact that they can't do the thing that society's told them they're supposed to be doing. In the same way, they're just like, it's, you talk about white privilege and there are white people that get upset because they're like, well, I grew up poor.

53:16I didn't have white privilege. But they don't understand the full scope of what white privilege is because all they knew is, is they grew up poor. So I can't have a privilege of being white because my white experience is that I grew up poor. You can't tell them, but you can inherently fix this thing, which is by the bootstrapping myth makes sense for them. Right. In the same way that I know that also when I have children, I want to be able to take time off of work. I'm not going to let love make me homeless. So if I'm not working, someone has to pay the mortgage. Someone has to, if I at least have savings, fine, I can pay half the mortgage, but I'm not working.

53:58Someone has to keep us indoors. So if I'm dealing with somebody who can't keep the lights on in here, then I have another dependent in my house. Then I can't do the things that I need to do as a mother. I can't do the things I need to do as a person. I can't do the things I need to do as an adult because there's a fucking man in my house who cannot pay my light bill. He cannot pay half the mortgage. He cannot do the trade. He can't do. So what is he here for? Because I already have people in my, my mother's retired. My mother's got a job for fun. So just like I have people in my house that I'm already taking care of.

54:33I need a partner. I don't need another dependent because if that's the case, I'm putting you on my taxes, bro. Give me your social. Because here's the thing. There's not an, I have never made a dick that, I've never met a dick that would make me send my mother to work. You see what I'm saying? My mother works because she wants to. Trevor. She has to. Dulce. Dulce. Trevor. I can't. I can't. Welcome to my life. What is... I remember the number of times some random girl would be like, oh my God, I can't. How can you... Trevor's so handsome. How can you work? I said, first of all, he's my boss. First of all.

55:11So I don't see him like that. Where were you when these conversations were happening? At the stand, at the cellar. There's always some girl that's like, oh my God, do you have Trevor's number? No, we're getting distracted though. No, we get distracted because I want to be distracted because I have to make sure I don't cry on your podcast. So my brain just needs to kick somewhere else. And then we have to come back. And so, but I'm being told repeatedly, it's, well, what if he has potential? And da, da, da, da, da, da. And I was like, I want to know if other groups of women are being asked to go, well, what if this man has potential?

55:46Because one, it's the only men I've ever seen worried about gold diggers are the men that don't have gold. I have never manned a man. Onto my new American phrase. God damn. Well, we're good to go. Oh, God. That's a combo. Oh, okay. Somebody watched BET yesterday Oh man God damn Because you have to think about it I'll tell you what Yeah but You're telling men they have to provide Right but You know There is something that I think It's painful because it's true But in the same way The sugar lobbies got us to hate fat And tricked us into not focusing on What was actually happening in food I do find it really sad That we talk about relationships and most of the things that we're bringing up about relationships have nothing to do with the dynamics of a relationship.

56:42They have to do with the dynamics of late stage capitalism. Yes. You know? Because everything you said is true. Yes. But everything you said isn't really supposed to be the real, real, real crux of a relationship. You know? Right. Can you pay the bill? When I'm a mother, I don't want to be homeless because that's a very true and real thing. Because I have to keep my children inside. I have to be able to take care of my children. But that's why when you go to Scandinavian countries, no, but that's why when you go to Scandinavian countries, for instance, they don't really have that issue. And I know there they have, I'm not saying it's like a perfect place, but you realize that the issue is minimized because there's a certain contract that people have with the state where the state goes, no, if you're a mom, if you're a parent, in fact, man or woman, you'll get a certain amount of paid leave.

57:30Your child will be able to go to school. Your healthcare is not dependent on whether or not you have a job because the state has an interest in keeping you healthy. Right, but you have to remember that the reason we do not have universal health care is because of racism. If you look at a lot of the practices of the state of Mississippi, a lot of things that they do is to oppress black people. The problem is white people also live in that state. So if you don't want to have universal health care in a country because you don't want black people, how are you punishing 87 % of the people for something that because you don't want 13 % also I've never believed that was really part of the population but we won't answer the census so you don't want 13 % of your population to have something right so you won't give it to the other 87 % of your population tipping and here is comes from there's a racist history of tipping because you weren't paying black people correctly when we started getting like it's a whole thing with when we started working on railroads and stuff like that, it was they didn't pay them a livable wage.

58:36They started tipping them. That's why service to this day do not get a livable wage because you can survive on tips, right? And so this is a thing that's still hurting people today, but because of a racist start of it, and then we lose the history of things. And so, but the problem is, is that if I let love carry me in certain places, I would be divorced from a broke man. if I let love dictate and if I let the thing, if I let, because I'm already, we know I make bad decisions. Let me ask you a question though before you move on from there. If, I mean, by the, you know, last reported wherever numbers, if they say 50 % of all marriages end in divorce anyways, then doesn't it mean that even if you get into a marriage, and not you, but as a person, there's a 50 % chance that you're already getting divorced regardless of what the other person's income is or isn't.

59:27And like even brokenness, people can become broke. Do you know what I mean? Like people can come in with money And then end up broke People can Do you think I make the same amount of money I did when I worked at Daily Show? I'm assuming not Because I don't Listen So Listen I got to start paying attention In the store now It's crazy Oh my god Yeah but I had to look at the price of something Oh I was so mad Whenever I think of Conversations about relationships And I think Relationships only Permanent ones Long term ones Only make sense It's based on a stage of life that you are at. So, for example, I've told you this story before.

1:00:04My daughter's turning 17 now and we've been together alone since she was five turning six. Right now, my brain is going, I would love to have someone around because I've had her and I didn't feel like there was room for someone else. But now I feel like if I had made that decision 10 years ago, I would have had to accommodate the both of them in my life. Absolutely. And some of the things that I wanted to do in the last 11 years that I got to do anyway. Right. But right now, I'm thinking about it differently. Because I would want someone, more than anything, to tolerate me. Right. And so I'm having to ask someone to...

1:00:36So you have to also look at the dynamics of things, right? Yeah. I remember being at a show and I was talking to a comic. I was talking to Nick Geta about this. Wait, before you go into the story, I want to respond to something because I don't want to forget it. And I think it's important for you to hear this. Right. I have heard from many women who do have the same story. In fact, you go like, I wonder if it's just me or women like me. I remember speaking to a woman... This was in Sweden. And she was a very wealthy businesswoman. And I mean, has done a phenomenal job and helps people start businesses.

1:01:07I mean, by all metrics, great kids, living the life, you name it, you name it. And the biggest thing that plagued her was she said, I feel like my life is a failure. And I said, why? And she said, well, I never got remarried and now I can't find a man. And I said, what do you mean, can't find a man? just elaborate on that and she said well if i meet some some of the men i meet we get along well with but they're also in a high-powered position and they're not flexible and i'm not flexible because they can't leave what they do and i can't leave what i do and so it just ends up fizzling and then she and then i said okay but what about men who aren't successful and she said i'll be honest with you i'm not attracted to them i'm not i just can't be with a man who's not like doing something and not you know what I mean yes and and so no just I just want you to know that like not not to shift anything or to shape but you asked a question and I don't have the answer for everyone but I do know and I think it's important for us to know this in life Because we generally don't post how we are actually doing and feeling on Instagram and social media, we don't really know how anyone is or isn't.

1:02:17We know what the advertisements of people's lives are. We know what the highlights are. Right. We very seldom know the lowlights. Well, that's why I posted the other day and I was just like, how is everybody doing? Because I'm having a hard time right now. And I don't like the fact that sometimes if I get on Instagram, I realize Instagram will sometimes make me feel bad. Yeah. because I'm just like, now it's just like, here's the good, everybody's doing great, everybody's doing fine, these are the things you aren't doing. Yeah. And then I get on TikTok and it's just like, hey, so my coloring book, so like I see a bunch of craft stuff and then I see the Maori doing hakas and it's like, so a little good, little Middle Eastern song, right?

1:02:54So now I know a little bit of Aramaic, the whole boy, woman, she's singing the Chinese. So TikTok is still fun because it hasn't figured me out yet. Instagram, it's like you're, I don't like the fact that I'll get on TikTok and Instagram and be like, this is why our industry is dying? Because you want to see somebody make a cake for six episodes as opposed to a well-written thing? So it's like we don't see the real, we don't see people's real lives. And it's to everybody's detriment. It's like a dating app, right? Yes, it is. You go through, you see a man holding a fish, you see another man holding a fish.

1:03:28So you see a white man holding fish and a black man sitting in the passenger side of a car. or the pictures that you see on dating apps, if you're wondering. It's white dudes holding fish, black man on the wrong side of a car. I was like, I don't know if this is flipped because he's in the driver's seat. All I know is I never see a driver's seat. Dude says he's just a white man holding a fish, white man holding a fish. But here's my thing. Maybe you can help me with this, Losa. I'm trying to figure out. Isn't being in a meaningful relationship about someone else tolerating you? Absolutely. Meaning the other person and you tolerating them.

1:03:58Right, but the thing is, I'm not trying to be inflexible. What I'm trying to do is because here's the thing you have to understand. It's I have to get past meeting a man. I have to get past him one being insecure about what I do. Oh, you at award shows. Are you doing all of this? Yes, sir, I am. So do you want to put on a suit or do you want to talk shit? What are we doing? Because if you can't, if you don't figure out how to hold a fort, because I can't be sitting somewhere nice and you sitting up eating like a convict. So let's do that first. Second, oh, you're making all this money. Are you doing big things?

1:04:35If I hear you're doing big things, I'm blocking your number. Because what that lets me know is you're not doing. I don't need you to do big things. But what I need you to do is not talk shit about what I'm doing. But Dulce, what if that was just a question? It's not a question. The thing is you're not. So because I am a person who listens to people, I know what all of these things, I know what all of these things mean because there have been in enough conversations where, oh, you're doing big things. Fast forward to a week later. Oh, you think you're better than me? No, nigga, you think I'm better than you.

1:05:09Anybody who's ever asked me that question, you think you're better than me? I don't know you. So no, I'm not thinking about you in the way you're thinking about me because I don't know you. I'm not excited to meet you. I'm not doing any of these things. You're excited to meet me because I'm on television, but you don't know who I am as a real person because you saw me in Daily Show. You saw me in a clip. So people like, oh my god you're so much nicer in person you are on stage you think i'm doing this you think i'm performing at all times are you paying me in this conversation so i go on a date so god was like and i've had men go to me oh man i'm having such a good time it's like so you're acting right now bitch are you paying me i don't perform for free also a pussy costs more than appetizers so let's go so get that out the way god damn see when you walk you want to sit over walking in a room so Right There's a question I'd love to ask here And I'll maybe ask it by sharing something from my life One of the hardest things I learned From therapy Was that It's expensive Yeah, it's expensive But I also learned That there's a filter that we can apply on the world Because we are constantly moving towards or partially creating the reality that we do exist within so i would find myself having one idea of women because i was going they're all like this all women do this all women and then i i would talk to a friend who's in a healthy happy relationship married whatever and they would go I don't actually know what you're talking about and I'll be like oh no that's because you you're an outlier man let me tell you how it really is and then I would meet somebody else at some point and I'll get to know them and I'll go you know how and they go like actually I don't know what you're talking about and it took me a while and I think it takes all of us a while to then ask ourselves because of where we are from how we're raised like we had Roy on the podcast and one of the conversations that we had with Roy, like, you know, he gets into it in his book is you realize how many of the cycles and patterns we've inherited and don't even know we're in.

1:07:27Right. And then we ask ourselves why they keep repeating. What's the difference between that and a generational curse? No, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. But I'm coming back to what you're saying. Like, I notice just when I'm listening to you, you go, you have an assumption that the man you're meeting you've already met. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's the thing. It's I take everyone at face value. I'm not going to have an issue until you give it to me. I'm with you. I'm with you. Forgive me. So let me put it this way. This is what I'm saying. This is exactly what I mean in therapy. Because I remember I was so defensive about it.

1:08:05When my therapist was saying, I was like, no, no. I was like, no. I start from scratch. Then she's like, no one's starting from scratch. It's impossible. We all think we're starting from scratch. We're starting from our scratch. Yeah, but the best way to think of it is, if I was to use an analogy, think of it like food. A lot of us in life will say, man, why do I keep getting fast food? Why do I keep getting greasy food? Why do I keep getting this type of food? Why don't I get wholesome meals? But what we never ask ourselves is, why is our eye attracted to that bright pink logo? why is our nose attracted to the smell of of that you know crispy you know fried chicken flesh why is that we don't ask that question of ourselves as people oh i always ask all right no and so what i mean is if we end up with the same outcome that we don't want the hardest thing for us to like try and figure out is which part of it is us participating in the story and which part of it is the story existing on its own so i'll tell you what i found in the therapy so my therapist said to me she's like you're very self-aware you're supremely self-aware i'm very self-aware she said and she said honestly and it makes it a lot easier to have these sessions with you because you're very self-aware yeah she said but because you're so self-aware you analyze everything also you're hyper self-aware then right you're too self-aware so i'm always going so my thing is like i remember saying to my ex one time because i you know talk about him in the book yeah mechanic and all of that right and so i said to him one day so i was talking about because it was like years into this back and forth because i couldn't see better for myself in this situation right and i said to him one day i said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result right i said so from you i don't i expect you to do the things that you are doing because i would be crazy to think that you're going to do something else based on the information and the years that I've spent going back and forth with you, right?

1:10:03So for me, it's never, why don't I have this thing? My issue is, my thing is always, what is wrong with me? I'm rarely ever thinking, when things start going slightly, I'm always looking for a pattern because it's like, I'm going to catch you before you catch me, right? Because I know I make bad decisions. so now I have to go now I have to be extra vigilant asking these questions and getting to know some man because I know I can't always trust the decisions that I make I can't always trust the fact that I've picked this I'm talking to this person also a lot of like because my friends I was saying all my friends I said if you line up all the guys that I've dated they don't make sense I have one of my homeboys I can't tell these girls apart he's got a new girlfriend I didn't know it wasn't the other light-skinned bitch he had been dealing with a year ago.

1:10:53I didn't know it was a new girl because my ex is the same way. He had a picture of a girl. I would look down. I was like, when did I take this picture? It wasn't me. Damn. But I was like, okay, then I am the fucking archetype. If you look at all the dudes I've messed with, all of them don't make sense. But the thing was, it's more instances in my life where a man is like me than a man I've liked is like me back. So it's now I'm just dealing with the men who like me. So then I'm dealing with that part of it. You're dealing with yourself? Are you dealing with yourself? What do you mean? Like you're saying, if you're saying you're dealing with the men that are...

1:11:29I'm so the men that are attracted to me and more times as opposed to, oh I like a man I think he's attractive. Nine times out of ten that man doesn't think I'm attractive. So he doesn't talk to me. So a lot of times I'm dealing with men who come to me first. Okay. And then it's just like, okay, well, this is where I'm at. These are the men that are attracted to me. So you're their option. They're not your option. Right. Got it. So it's just like, well, and then I had to go, well, you can't keep entertaining these dummies because there is the consistency of the men that are coming to you. Versus what?

1:12:01Versus the men that I want to be with. So there are the men I just want to talk to. So the men that are coming to me are the men that aren't, the men that aren't, they just have jobs. They don't have careers, right? It's just they're just doing a thing. And so they're just surviving every day. And so you see me, you're like, well, at least there's food at the house. I know that much, right? So she's got a place to stay. She got food at the house. I'm going to deal with her. So I seem to catch men that are in their struggle. And so you came to me because you need a head to lie on or you need a place to stay.

1:12:36You can't stay with me like that. I'm not going to feed you like that. because the thing is, so we always think about this because I always remember this from like growing up. It's like always the term equally yoked, right? Yeah. And so I think about that in a lot of different ways as in like if you can't understand, if you can't understand where I'm coming from on a regular basis as in you don't understand the words that I'm saying. So in my book, I talk about an ex that I had, best boyfriend I ever had, but he grew up very poor. And so I remember telling him about like we had gone on vacation one time as a kid.

1:13:12And I was like a teenage or something. My mom, I brought a friend. You know, we were all hanging out. And so he was like, oh, you're trying to shine on me. I was like, I'm not trying to shine on you. Basically trying to say I'm trying to brag. Right. And I was like, I'm not shining on you. You asked me about something about me being a kid. He asked me about something that was an experience as a kid. And I was like, oh, my mom took us on vacation. And so he thought I was bragging. About going on vacation. And I was just like, we were staying at a Days Inn in Savannah. we didn't go to Europe. We weren't still in the same state.

1:13:43What are you talking about? But, and he also asked me one day what an aquarium was because I went to the aquarium for my birthday and he asked me what an aquarium was and I went, what? And he's like, is it a museum? And I was like, yeah, for fish. Let me call you back. Because he was inherently not wrong. An aquarium is a museum. But I still had to call him back. More like a zoo. But what I'm saying, so I had to go, I have sex with this man Wait And that's why I had to stop So it's like Wait wait wait I want to know Wait wait You go ask your question first I don't want to disturb But my thing Because I found what you said Very interesting So if the men Correct me if I'm wrong It's a zoo

1:14:23If the men that are attracted to you Look at you as a soft place to land Right Yes If you are flailing Ugh Right So if you want a very successful man And you're an artist Do you think sometimes they think that of you? Like if there's a banker or a successful lawyer goes, you're a comedian. What if your things are not popping and I'm doing very well? Are you looking at me as a way out of your situation? They need to Google me. No, but that's, you know, that's an interesting, it's an interesting point because it brings up the conundrum of life, right? And that conundrum is that the arrows are often pointing.

1:15:00You know, I remember once seeing a motivational speaker, you know, and you know, sometimes they're like very cheesy gimmicks they play on the audience, but sometimes it really sticks with you and there's this one motivational speaker and we're in an audience and he was talking about love and he went and he said what his teeth look like his teeth were perfect of course they were go ahead so he was talking about love and then um talking about being chosen and then he said you know what i want i want everyone to turn to the person on their left and notice something about their face and so everyone in the audience turned to their left and then he's like okay now everyone face the front and he's like raise your hand if you you know the details of their face and then no one could raise their hand because everyone was looking at the back of somebody else's head and he said that's like the paradox and the conundrum of life and being chosen sometimes is that everyone is trying to see this person's face the person behind them is trying to see their face the person behind them is trying to see their face the person do you know what i mean and so now like what eugene is saying is interesting because it's like i know that i've experienced that now way less obviously but i remember when I was starting in comedy, I would be on a date and someone would go, so what do you do?

1:16:11And I'd go like, oh, I'm a comedian. And they're like, no, no, but what are you like, like, what are you going to like do? But what you're listening - Like, what are you going to, no, no, I'm just saying like, it was interesting. We'd be like, what are you going to like do-do? No, like for like, but like, like, like when you, you could, they almost wanted to say, what are you going to do when you grow up though? Right. Like when you become an adult, what are you going to do? But you have to remember, I'm a woman. So no one is looking for me to do that thing. no one asks women that's the thing and this is so you have no he's not saying no no he's not saying that so no no no i'm saying what so he's talking about like a banker or something worried about that but you have to also remember is that men inherently aren't they do not have to men aren't running around looking for i need a successful woman i think that's where you may be wrong i'll tell you i'm not saying let me finish let me speak for some men okay i'll speak for some wait wait let me say this i'll speak for some men i think there's a misconception that is often spread amongst people where they go men don't care men don't look at that that's the biggest lie that we've been told is that men don't care yeah but what i'm saying is i think this is what eugene is saying it is it is if you listen to the kernel of it's really interesting is like it's we take for granted that we ourselves are the most stable thing in our lives often and then we are presented with somebody who we feel brings instability into our lives But then we are still thrown By somebody else When they treat us Like we are the instability That could potentially Come into their life That's what he's saying No, no, no I understand that But what I'm saying is I've never had I've never been in a situation Yeah Where a man has been worried About what I do for a living That he's worried That I'm going to bring him Financial instability Might not be financial He's been worried about That I would bring him Emotional instability that's been the biggest where it's just like well i need a woman to be my piece but you terrorizing bitches on a daily basis you ain't nobody's piece there's always some i need a woman to be my piece i need a woman to be ride or die first of all i just met you i'm not going nowhere i'm certainly not going to perish for your needs so it's because and so that's when i think about the fact the old because like i said i've met more men worried about a gold digger yes then i've met worried about where because I've met men's like oh I don't worry about a woman does I'm like once you find out what I do because the man in Atlanta trying to holler at me when my mom are out and he was like well you know I'm doing this I'm doing that and I was like great and my mother's like oh well he's like well my mother was trying to talk to him he's like oh I don't care what she does and I was like you will when you find out what I do because I am I travel a lot for work I'm successful because a lot of the issues that I've had it's the traveling for work and I'm in a male-dominated industry.

1:18:57And so, and I said to one of my friends the other day, if you're a dirtbag individual, you think other people are doing dirtbag shit. Yes. Right? Okay. So, since I'm not a dirtbag... Or if you've been dirtbagged. Or if you've been dirtbagged. I think we always have to include that. So if you've been, like, it's like, so one of my friends, like, you know... Because if you are a dirtbag, you will constantly think that people are doing the same thing as you. But also, if you've been dirtbagged... Yes. People also, because, like, you've been dirtbagged, so you're like, so we should also always include that, I think.

1:19:23I've been dirtbagged, I've been sandbagged, I've been fucking quick sanding all of that tea bagged let's I'm a Christian so for me let me just calm down so I have but it's like traveling for work or it's yes if I tell a man what I do you're either challenged because he's like oh you're funny but I'm saying do you hear even in your you're making a like a full on I'm not saying I'm only talking about my experiences I don't expect but that's what I'm saying but that's all I can do is go off and experience So I'm not saying that I haven't met men who weren't interested. It's like, oh, that's really great.

1:19:59Yeah, yeah, right, right. So I'm not saying that I haven't met men who haven't been intrigued by it or haven't been impressed by it or haven't thought that was interesting. I have. But things did not progress with that person. Right, right, right. And sometimes, and so it's like, oh, this is great. And it's like, oh, but you're gone a lot. Well, yeah, that's how I, but I work. So now it's like I'm not trying to be inflexible. I'm just trying to understand. In the same way of just like I need Santa because here's my thing. What's the fix? I travel a lot. So doesn't it make sense if we're trying to be together?

1:20:39What if you, okay, I'm going to be in, I'm gone twice a month, right? I'm going to Iowa and I'm going to Seattle. What if you came to Iowa or Seattle, right? I'm not trying to be inflexible I'm trying to help I said this to Eugene the other day Do you remember we were in the car? We were in Johannesburg And I said to you I don't even know what brought it up But I said to you I said Oh also I didn't forget You told me you were going to take me to South Africa I didn't forget You changed the subject You can do what you want This is your podcast I said I said to Eugene As much as I love what I do Said And as much as we love comedy and all these things I said man Do you ever think about how wonderful it is for some people That their jobs don't require them to leave constantly right and we're speaking about this and i'm talking to roy about it and i remember saying one day someone was shocked they said to me and i'm glad that this has diminished over time but i remember someone once being shocked saying like man a lot of comedians commit suicide right they'd be like no there's like an outsized number of comedians who commit suicide if you look at like per industry i can't say in the summer of 2022 it was like a lot at the same time yeah i don't know what happened but it was but this is like constant or just dying but then i said to a friend i was like yeah i get what you mean about like you know a lot of comedians commit suicide and i think there's many factors that probably contribute to that but one of the glaring parts that sticks out to me is how and where is like everyone would focus on that the fact that they committed suicide i would focus on the fact that they're always alone in a hotel room it was always like alone in a hotel room in a random place and very seldom not never obviously But very seldom did I read a story of a comedian committing suicide at home with their friends, with their family.

1:22:23And in that one moment, I realized how insidious isolation is. Yes. And I think what you're talking about, which I think many people can relate to, is the isolation that we might experience for a variety of reasons. Because I'll tell you now As somebody who's experienced it Fame is one of the most isolating Experiences a human can have And I didn't think of it as isolating Because you go People go Everyone knows you You're like yes That is isolating in a strange way Everyone knows of you They don't know you Exactly But that's what I mean is isolating Because everyone else gets to walk into a room And not be known And write their story You walk into a room People have an assumption of you That's isolating Exactly And I'm not saying it like as a woe is me thing i'm just saying isolation is an interesting concept to understand because every because now every interaction because one of my friends she was saying to me she's like well when you when i first met you i didn't like you and i was like okay i don't know why people tell me these things we're friends now why are you telling me this she's like well when you first met me you know you weren't excited to meet me i said why would i be excited to meet you i don't know you i don't know you you she's like my mom had the essence magazine with you in it i I said, yeah, you know me.

1:23:38I don't know you. You're excited to meet me. Of course I wasn't excited to meet you. I don't know you. I'm not excited to meet strangers even before this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're like, you're a stranger. I don't know you, right? So it's, and I had this conversation when you left the show and they were looking for new hosts, right? And you don't notice, but as soon as this came out, I went and planned this off as I was like, not me. No, thank you. I know I'm probably not in the running. Don't even ask me. I don't want this. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. And if I said that to any, well, do you want to do that?

1:24:16I was like, no. Every comic I'm talking about would argue me down. I can't believe you don't want this. And I was like, this is like, it's a great opportunity. And I said, for you, because you don't know the logistics of this thing. You don't understand how this works. I don't want to, one of my friends asked me, one of them was really pushing me and I had to go, I don't want to spend my career asking other people what they're doing with their careers. Damn. That's why I don't want that job. I don't want to sit at a desk every day and go, so what are you doing? Because that's, because I told you when we got to, my first hosting week, when we went to, when I did that camera turn going from act two to act three, I said, never, fuck it, never, never.

1:25:00But that's the part of it that you felt the most? I mean, that's like five minutes in the show. No, no, no. What I'm saying is that it was just, it was confirmation. Okay, so for you, that was the confirmation that it's not for you. That wasn't for me. Completely with you. Right. And I'm just like, oh, this is, because that's why I couldn't do factory work because it's a repetitive thing. And so I was like, I'm going to be sitting here forever asking people, all right, Orlando Bloom, what's this next movie? All right, Lupita, what's this new book? Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question.

1:25:28Because I'm noticing something about, you know, Like reading the stories in your book You read the whole book? When you'd fight with the teachers Yeah Reading the stories about like You know your mom joining the school And then having to like Discipline you from inside the school Yeah she went my ass at that school Yeah and then And then you fighting in like The jobs that you would go and have afterwards And like It find I found myself asking the question I was like Because now even when you're saying Like at the Daily Show It wasn't your piece I'd love to know like Where has your piece been? Where do you find you've like Is this Is there even a moment or a slither where you go like, this is it.

1:26:03This thing that I tap into is my piece. So I have a craft room. Crafts. You had a, that was like your first Facebook post ever was selling crafts. I, oh, you was digging deep. I, so I've been working since I was nine years old, right? You've been working since you were nine years old. So you read that in a book. So I've been working since I was nine. and I, everything had to become a business, right? So like the craft thing was like, I enjoy this because my mom would always get me little crafty things. And so it was like making little paper beads or making little hair bows and stuff like that.

1:26:45I've always been like a maker. Cause I like, like that was like, I was talking about my friends about like British baking show. And I like, I think, and I like that show because it's, you know, sometimes you watch cooking shows that makes you hungry. That's my mama that doesn't watch them. I never, first of all, I don't get hungry watching those shows, but especially that show because it's literally about the technicality of making a thing as opposed to, there's a finished product, but it's about the technicality of everything, right? And so when it comes to crafting, it's like I, so for instance, coloring talk hopped up on my TikTok and so now I got like coloring books, right?

1:27:20And I say adult coloring books and then people think I'm coloring adult stuff. No, no, no, no, no. there's a bear going to get coffee. You see what I mean? From a man. No. That's an industry that is waiting to be tapped. Oh, no, no, no. They've got those books too. That's an industry. Wait, they are? Oh, there's all kind of nasty little books. Oh, adult coloring books. Yeah. Like adult coloring books. Yes, there's one you can color in curse words. You can color in titties. But you only need like what? Four colored crayons and then you're done? Four. How many colors do you need? I didn't know. I was asking.

1:27:49Okay. I mean, listen, that's why I don't like porn with white people because everything's pink. So I don't know who starts or finishes. I don't know who's where. Everything's pink. I don't want it. So I have like my craft room, right? And so my house in LA, there's three bedrooms upstairs. And one of those, me and my mom share a craft room, right? And so this place of like, it's, I need to be able to have a thing that makes sense. And then the other place of peace I think I sometimes have is on stage, depending on the show. But it's where I understand everything that's happening right now. I understand what I'm saying.

1:28:35I understand what the reactions are. I understand how people are going to take me in. I understand that no one's going to misunderstand me. No one's going to judge me. I know what I'm doing and I know what the reactions are going to be. So while I'm performing, great. After a show, sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's like, what did you hear? Why are you asking me these things? I'm not the chick and Maurice. So I have these moments where it's like I have my peace in that or it's like just sometimes being at shows sometimes because it's like I understand how this works. I understand how this goes.

1:29:15Like if I'm on set, I understand. Because this is like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Because when it comes to like, because one of the hardest things for me about relationships, like romantic relationships, is like with work, I knew the steps to get to what I'm wanting to do. If I need to do something, it's like, okay, I had to sell more tickets. All right, fuck, we got to do this promo because these clubs aren't promoting us like they used to. But you're still charging me for marketing. So it's just like, okay, I have to do this. I can do this. I know it's some things, even in this industry, isn't input in and input out.

1:29:49I can still understand the steps of this. When it comes to relationships, I feel like somebody gave me dipsy cups and string and we're like, okay, now go to the moon. Because I don't have enough experience with successful relationships that a lot of times I don't know what I'm doing. And so sometimes I have to be quiet because I also have to stop because I've been in so many bad relationships that i know what the trigger is so sometimes i have to stop myself and go hey that might not be what he's doing that might not be what he's doing you need to calm down but you need to calm i'm so familiar with but i'm so familiar with the because i see the pattern now right oh i haven't heard from this man in five days what usually happens is this is like oh you've disappeared you've done this da da da yeah but if i'm dealing with someone who's communicative like the last guy i was talking to he had a family issue that's why we're not talking anymore you had wife?

1:30:42No, he had something happen with his mom. And so I hit him up and I said, hey,

1:30:52I haven't heard from you in a while. So I just want to make sure is everything okay with your family? That was my first thing because something did happen. And I said, is everything okay with your family or is life just lifing? And if so, if you need space or time, just let me know because I've been in this situation too many times and somebody didn't tell me what happened, right? And he texted me back and goes, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to ignore you or trigger you. And then he was like, but there's stuff going on with my life right now with my family. I need space and time. Thank you so much.

1:31:25There's so many times I've been in relationships with people where I said, hey, I can fully understand that you need space. Just tell me you need space. And they wouldn't give me that. because and so then i'm just in a spiral because now i'm sitting up trying to go what did i do what happened what did i do what happened and a lot of times i have to go but i also have to be aware of the fact sometimes this isn't me yeah but the only thing i have control of is what i did and what i said so sometimes people happen but but since i have a lack of information yeah and the only input of information i have is things that i did you told me nothing so now i just had to go okay well did I do this and I do this and then you just have to go wait you do the fuck you get to the end I was like I didn't do shit there's a common thread I see coming from that and it's

1:32:14it's predictability and control which I don't have no no I'm saying in stand up and in crafts two worlds where you have direct control and immediate feedback like if you're a comedian and you say something that the audience does not agree with or like they will instantly let you know. It's either information or confirmation. Yeah. This joke's either works or it doesn't. They let you know. So you then know immediately. There's almost no audience out there. Maybe in Japan. That's the only time it happened to me where what they were doing didn't relate to how they were feeling. Oh, you've never performed for black lesbians.

1:32:49They are the hardest audience to perform for. Yeah, I cannot say that I've done a show solely for black lesbians. In Atlanta there was a place called My Sister's Room and they would do shows there and every comic would get off stage going, you can't crack them. So wait, so let me go back to what I was saying. And then they get off stage and you go, you had a great set. And we were like, tell your face, ma 'am. Don't press anything. We've got more What Now after this.

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1:34:47Trevor and I have had this conversation so many times before and we were talking about hobbies. and one day he was saying to me he was asking me why I have so many hobbies and I've just recently discovered hobbies I used to think were just things of interest and I said one thing I discovered about hobbies and the people that are hobbyists is they're usually good at one thing that they do for a living the surgeons police whatever but a hobby humbles you constantly because something that you try you love it but you keep failing at it and you come back again You dedicate time to it Apart from the thing That you're already good at So the more time You dedicate to a hobby The better it becomes And the better you become And as soon as you master it You start another hobby Right So if you're coloring Or making beads Once you're done with this bracelet You'll start another bracelet Yeah You never go This is my ultimate bracelet Well the conundrum is When you're talented That's the only bracelet That you'll ever make Right Standing on stage Making people laugh You get better at it But it's not like You're gonna go Become a famous well the afterwards so there's this thing that you can that you can always go back to and my thing is and why i said earlier on my mission now is to be with someone who can tolerate me it's because i've realized that the best version of me is the intolerable version of me right so when i'm doing hobbies i don't judge myself i don't criticize myself as much and i'm not seeking perfection and why wouldn't i be that version to someone else and they accept that and then they can also see that sometimes I'm a comedian who does comedy and stands on stage and over analyzes.

1:36:24So my thing was, when you present yourself to the partner that you would like to have, are you presenting Dulce, who does arts and crafts, or are you presenting Dulce, who over analyzes and stands on stage and tries to find the punchline to life? All of it. Because if you're going to be with me, that's why it's like there's no, anything less than that is a performance. so it doesn't behoove or benefit me to be performing for people in my personal life because then I never get to be myself right like you know I told you I went to that friend breakup and the thing that was so hard about that was like being with him I got to be a woman so I didn't get to be and I got to be soft and I got to get taken care of and I got to kind of like just, you see what I'm saying?

1:37:22Because like other openers I would bring with me, I'm taking care of this person while I'm taking care. So it's like, okay, now we're doing this. Now I'm going this. Okay. We got to get a rental car. We got to do that. And the benefit of him was I didn't have to, it's okay. What's the itinerary? It's like, oh, you're, cause I don't have a tour manager. Right. So it's like, it's the benefit of us as a person. It's someone is making sure we're doing this and making sure we're doing that. Oh, you're hungry. Let's find something to eat. Let's do all of these things. And so I said to him, I was like, I get to be a woman around you.

1:37:56I get to be soft. Because if you talk to especially older women and it's just every day before her husband, she had to go do this and do that. You were constantly performing. You constantly were doing things for this person's benefit and it wasn't mutual. It wasn't it wasn't y 'all taking care of each other. Because when I've dated men, it's just like, what do you want? It's like, why does someone take care of me? Oh, well, you want to try and take all my money. That's the only care that you know is financial. You're not thinking about emotional. You're not thinking about, that's the only thing.

1:38:32So I've said this to people. It's like, oh, you only think money. And a lot of times people only think about care. They think about money. But if we've taught men that most of our situation, it's transactional with people. That's what we teach men, that love is transactional. We teach women that love is emotional. We treat men that love is transactional. You have to give things to be loved. Women, it's like you have to be quiet and let this man do these things. You have to accept whatever he does. Even if you don't like it, I didn't like this ring. I didn't like what he said to me. I didn't do any of these things.

1:39:03But if you want to be with somebody, you have to accept these things. And so I don't want to be in a situation where I can't tell you how I feel, where I can't tell you what's going on with me, that I can't pray with you. Because people ask me, well, do you have to be a Christian? I just did the Daniel fast. I just did a religious fast for 21 days from the Old Testament. If my husband does not understand what I am doing, if my husband cannot do it with me, my mom is also fasting at the same time. My house is fasting. If he does not understand my faith, he doesn't understand me as a person. He doesn't understand what I do, He doesn't understand me as a person.

1:39:37So I don't understand if this person I'm trying to build a life with, because that's the thing. You're always going to, like, because I had changes in my face. I didn't do the fast last year because I was mad at God. So I was like, I can't be in this place anymore because if I'm mad at God, I'm mad at everything that exists in the world. So I have to then, but I was mad at God because I was mad at myself. And so I had to find forgiveness for myself in a crazy way. It's like I had to forgive God in my mind for me being in the position that I'm in. Because for some reason I'm here. And I don't know what that is because I don't know what God does.

1:40:08I don't know where they are at. But I at least have to accept as a person of faith, all I can do is go out and do stand-up, leave my house, and just hope that the work that I'm doing benefits in the way that I want it to. Because you don't know what God's plan is. All you know is you go outside your house, hope you don't die, and maybe what you want and what God's plan is matches up somehow. But I can't lie. I don't lie to my friends. I'm who I am with my friends. I don't know why I wouldn't be that with my... I'm going to spend more time with it. He's going to be in my bed every night. I can't lie to this man.

1:40:42That's exhausting. I'm already tired. I was in six cities in a week and I'm supposed to come home and be like, all right, let me go lie to this nigga. Who wants to do that? That's... And so I don't want to... Also, it's like, I'm not trying to change nobody. You can't change a person. Because I've heard people say that, when I met him, but I can just change him. Bitch. do you know how successful you can be in your life if you didn't spend all your time trying to change somebody else? Do you know what you could possibly be doing? That's why I was talking about like truly crazy people are never successful.

1:41:12They're too busy being crazy. People who are obsessed, because I realized one point I was like, oh, I think I'm addicted to people. When I was younger, my twin, I was addicted to people because I don't want to think about myself. So it was always thinking about what my friends were doing and were they okay and how were they and da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Because when you stop thinking about other people, you can think about yourself. But we've been told as women thinking about yourself is selfish. So I had to figure out, oh, it's okay for me to think about me. Oh, it's okay for me to worry about me.

1:41:37I had to learn about self-care because we grew up, you get your nails done, you get your hair done. Bitch, I self-care. No one's talking about my emotional whole affair at all. My hair is done and my nails are done. Bitch, you're fine. So all of these things you have to learn as a person because I realized if I had gotten married before I went to therapy, I would be divorced. Definitely. Because anybody I would have married before I went to therapy would not have been a healthy relationship no matter who it was. because I was not in a good place and I didn't care about myself the right way and I didn't think about myself the right way.

1:42:08So I would have married somebody who was at the point of where I was in my life and that was not a good place. So he was either going to treat me the way I treated me, which isn't good, because I had a friend tell me one day, if somebody spoke to you the way you spoke to you, I would fight that person. So let me ask you this then. As we leave you, I've heard you talk about happiness. I've heard you talk about peace your vision for your life etc if someone was to wave a magic wand and give you exactly what you wanted what do you think that would look like tomorrow that's the first part of the question what would that look like tomorrow first of all I'm a bad bitch I'm playing I'm already a bad bitch one

1:43:04One, I don't know why my first time was my mom. If you wait in a run tomorrow, I am married, happily married with someone who understands me. I have children. Three.

1:43:28My brother is better. My mom is married.

1:43:37I'm in a house that accommodates everybody.

1:43:46And I have... Because I don't think this... It's not that the situation gives me peace. is that I have a place of,

1:43:59I don't have that sadness in me anymore. I think that's the wand. It's like I have the things, it's because this is what I think about all day is what I don't have. And it's so, and me taking care of everyone else. And so I think if a wand is waved, It's I have a partner who can help me take care of everyone else and someone that takes care of me and someone that I can take care of. But it's also it's like I need help.

1:44:38And I'm past a part of my life where I'm afraid for asking for help. I'm afraid of my life where I don't feel ashamed asking for help. but I think if a wand is wave I get the help that I need because I'm not because the goal is to stop feeling like I'm failing it's really the goal to be like you did enough just because things didn't work out because no one's ever told me that I'm failing my manager tells me all the time you're not failing but I can't don't go far sorry to interrupt but I can't shake the feeling so that's the wand wave is that feeling of because someone asked me like well how do you know that you made it i was like i don't i've never felt like i've made it right i've never felt like i've made it because like oh you got daily show you made it i'm like this is one job this is your career is your whole life yeah so it's for me it's like i the wand is i don't feel like i'm failing anymore and i have the things that i want to make me feel like i'm not failing what's the next question so no no no the second part of it isn't necessarily a question it's more it's more an idea that i hope to leave you with when when my production team was asking me they're like so like why like why dulce they asked me about everyone to try and understand they're like why do you want this person on and why do you want that person on and say why dulce and i said because i've met few people who embody the real idea of heroism than dulce me oftentimes we are sold heroes as people who have overcome an idea oftentimes i get frustrated because we're sold people who have overcome voluntary ideas i climbed mount everest i ran a hundred marathons and i'm like yeah this is my hero i'm like no no they they chose a thing to do in my opinion heroes are the people who are not choosing the thing but have to climb the mountain anyways.

1:46:42Heroes are people who have to run 100 marathons but there's no ribbon on the other end. And I won't change it overnight for you emotionally but I genuinely hope you know and it's something that somebody said to me that man, it stuck with me and it hit me hard because I think I've experienced it. I think everyone who's going to listen to this or watch this can at some point acknowledge feeling what you're feeling and sharing with us. it was the feeling of want, the want, and I don't have, and I don't. And they said something really, really, really impactful and beautiful. And at the time, I just, I resisted it.

1:47:18I was like, no. And they said, my one wish for you in life is that you realize everything you want is everything you already have. Where is he?

1:47:33And, and I, you know, I took it as trite. I took it as like, ah, whatever, whatever. And you know, you and I have spoken about these things But I've gone

1:47:44You're not wrong Whoever you are in life You're not wrong to go, I don't have Because you don't

1:47:53But you're also wrong if you only think you don't have Right Because we all don't I've talked to people who have found the love of their life And then they died That's so And let me tell you something You think you're lonely because you haven't met the love of your life. Meet the love of your life and have them leave this earth permanently. Oh, I think about that all the time. No, no, no. And then you'll understand a different type of loneliness and a different type of pain. And I'm not saying this minimizes because I'm not one of those people who goes, other people have it worse. I do think perspective is a wonderful thing because it allows us to see parts of ourselves and our lives that we are otherwise unable to see.

1:48:33And the simplest analogy I'll give is, Eugene and I have laughed about this for years. we'd always go, nothing would make you appreciate your car more than the guy at the car wash driving it away. You know that feeling we'd always talk about? You'd have your car, you used to have this car and it's annoying. I got to fix this and I got to. And then there's a moment where the guy at the car wash would drive it and you'd look at him in your car and you'd go, that's my car. And there'd be this, and we used to literally laugh about this feeling. And yeah, the one thing I say to you as we wrap up here is, I think it's like broken down into parts One is thank you Because I think you don't realize sometimes That you doing is helping others It's like even on like the smallest level Which I think is a big level Like comedy Man let me tell you something The amount of times people have told me What they came into a comedy show with And how they left a comedy show changed like my perspective on it you know i think about it with good food i think about it with with anything you name it and you doing for your family you'd like i hope i hope you don't i hope you don't take for granted that part of it because i know the burden is intensely upon you

1:50:02and I hope genuinely I just I hope that the feeling you just felt now is a feeling that you'll constantly be able to dip into regardless of what does or doesn't come into your life because the feeling is all that we're pursuing that's the thing I've learned and it's taken me years and years and I'm not perfect at it by the way I still slip but the feeling is the only thing we're pursuing we feel like we want to be married with kids we feel like we want to have kids we feel like we want this job we feel like we want to do that we feel like we when we're not wrong but the thing is to your point we don't know you've never met that man i've never met my wife i've never the person might never exist but you know what does exist the feeling that we have when we think of them and so i think that's like one part of you that i think you might not be able to to see all the time is how optimistic you are, is how much of like the lining you're seeing because you want it.

1:51:00To want it is to believe that it can even possibly exist. I know what happens when I don't. And so that's the thing. It's like, I don't know if you saw this clip when I was hosting the show, the lady asked me what was the hardest part of your career and the hardest thing you had to do and all this other stuff. And I said, oh, hope. Yeah. People never talk about how hard hope is. Hope is the hardest thing to have. Patience is easier than hope. Because at least when you're waiting for a thing, it's... It's coming. And that's the thing. You're only patient for things that you know are coming. Hope is you waiting for a thing that you don't know is coming.

1:51:43And so there's a lot of faith that you have to have in that. And I can offer you this. if you think seeing somebody drive off with your car at a car wash is a feeling. Your car in a tow truck?

1:52:01That's a worse feeling. Because the tow truck... No, I said the car thing is a good feeling. When someone's taking... He's like, man, the car wash taking the car? No, I was saying it's a good feeling. You get to appreciate it. Yeah, I was saying it's a good feeling. Oh, no, no, no. I appreciate my car more. every time I had a car in the back of a tow truck I had to appreciate the fact that it is going to be fixed that's the moment you have to go when you see a car in a tow truck you have two options either you never see this car again because she gone because I told you I dated a malignant for a long time because I could only afford to use cars and sometimes you got to go to some man's house to pay for oil change that's not the point you love him but real hope is seeing your car in a tow truck and going and I'm gonna drive the car again.

1:52:46Yeah. No matter what's wrong with it. Also, car to car. Somebody else, I've never been to a car wash where somebody had to drive my car off. So I just hope, just one day to get like you. Oh no, it's quite common in South Africa. Don't get interested. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, they have them here. I just haven't gone. Oh, it's like pouring gas. You know, like in America, people are like, they pour your gas for you and you're like, oh no, no, this is not, this is not the way it seems. No, in New Jersey, they pump the gas for you and I don't know why. It's one of those funny things with people, you know.

1:53:09But Jose, this was, I know we're going to. Yeah, we have to wrap up. But yeah, it's, listen, this is the longest I've ever spoken to you. So. Don't lie. We've never talked for two hours straight before? Yeah, but I don't talk to anyone for two hours straight. I'm fully aware. That's what I'm saying. This is the longest I've ever talked to you. I was going to be like, in our lives, we've spoken for way more than two hours. Yeah, if you put it all together, it was three hours and 15 minutes. In fact, I'm going to challenge you. When we were backstage in Atlanta, I had the fried chicken and we were sitting, Remember I had the Nashville spicy hot chicken And we were backstage And you came to the show in Atlanta We stayed backstage until they kicked us out of the backstage Yeah, because that's the only time I leave somewhere Yeah, yeah, yeah But that was hours And I'm happy But that was hours It was How dare you forget me I did not How dare you erase me from history See, look at this man You see what happened?

1:53:54He had what? Now mind you That's the longest we've ever talked How long I learned this man? How many presidents did I have known you for? Trevor, Ezekiel, Noah Only one real president. Yeah. Because the other one stole the election. Listen, I... Now everyone who's watching is like, I know who he memes. Biden. Stolen. But no, I'm glad I was worried you were going to... I'm proud of myself for not crying. I'm glad I got to... I'm glad I got to do this because I do... I do like your perspective on things because you weren't born here. And so there is a certain amount of optimism and perspective that you have that especially Black people born here don't have.

1:54:50Because one, most Americans don't leave America. Um, but also too, there is a, there is a.

1:55:09When you come from a place that was colonized and stolen from you, but the majority of the people in your country still look like you, then you're watching a minority run your country, right? Yeah. And so you can see the theft. You can see that y 'all shouldn't be running this shit. We just didn't have guns. It's the only reason y 'all are here. It's because you caught us slipping. How dare we not have weapons, right? But here it's you took over and brought us with you and stripped us of who we are. And every time we try to create who we are, you tell us we're not. You try to convince us this whole time that we're lesser than what we are.

1:55:54And we've accepted that to a certain point. But we spend all this time, because if you notice what black people do all day is look at white people and go, that's not us. How do you not know who we are? We know who y 'all are. We've been with y 'all the whole time. So black people spend all this time going, no, that's not us. That's not us. That's not us. That's not us. And you're coming from a place where, oh, I know who I am. And so there's a certain fight that you don't have to have mentally, that we have to have. because not only are we fighting the population at large, we're also fighting for each other.

1:56:27Be like, no, no, no, no, no, we're in this together, but I don't know you niggas. But we're in this together, but I can't. And so you're always trying to figure out friend or foe because sometimes it's like skin folk and kin folk. So there's a perspective that you have because it's like you have the basis of I know where I'm from. And I know where I'm from. I'm from here. But everyone's telling me I have no part in this. And then I know where I'm from as a continent. But I have multiple tribes in me who could have been at war. I'm just the descendants of these people. So I'm walking around with nations in me, but everyone's telling me that I'm lesser than I am.

1:57:07So I spent all this time going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm big. I'm big. I'm big. Look, I'm big. See me. And so that's a perspective. So I think that's why you get to see people the way that you see them. And I think sometimes that's why I see people the way that I see them. Because like, oh, I can see that you're hurt. you're mad at me because you're hurt. That has nothing to do with me. And I think you can see the hurt, but sometimes I only see the hurt because that's the only thing I'm trained to see. And you get to see the happiness and the hurt. And I'm sometimes, I always, a lot of times I miss the happiness, but I always see the hurt.

1:57:38You always see both. So that's why I always appreciate talking to you because you can see all of the thing. But I'm descended from people who were constantly in pain. And if you think of, So we spent all this time trying to be happy because the default is, well, fuck. I didn't die. Because you can't be upset because it's like we can't be depressed. Because my ancestors were slaves. Oh, you niggas can read? Why are you sad? Oh, y 'all can buy houses and earn money? They used to beat us to death. You can't be sad. So I just always appreciate talking to you because I feel like you see people as a whole.

1:58:18while I was like, I'm just like, this nigga's sad. Let me go help him. Sitting in his makeup chair looking like that. I would give you my left hand, but I don't have one. Friend. What happened? Are you playing tennis or some shit? Yeah. Don't start. Dulce, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me. I'm sorry I took up all your tape. You can take up any tape. There's no tape. It's the future. That's Descartes. It's the future. There's Dr. Wayne Dyer. I don't know if it's better than him. Who? Dr. Wayne Dyer. Dr. Wayne? Now I'm no Dr. Wang. He said, he quoted from the Tao Te Ching, the book.

1:58:52He said, you don't have to do anything because you're already being done. Who doing it? That quote relieved me from a lot of stress and anguish from thinking I need to do something because everything is already happening. Say it again? You don't need to do anything because you're already being done. That sounds like a translation issue. Well, it was Chinese. Don't say Sloan, everyone. She already done had herses. What Now with Trevor Noah is produced by Day Zero Productions in partnership with SiriusXM. The show is executive produced by Trevor Noah, Sanaz Yamin, and Jess Hackle. Rebecca Chain is our producer.

1:59:33Our development researcher is Marcia Robiu. Music, mixing, and mastering by Hannes Brown. Random Other Stuff by Ryan Harduth. Thank you so much for listening. Join me next week for another episode of What Now.

2:00:10We'll be right back.

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