INTRODUCING: Hidden Brain on Finding Your Purpose

0:00Hey there, What Now listeners. This is Shankar Vedantam, host of the podcast Hidden Brain. Each week, Hidden Brain explores the types of questions you've probably pondered in your own life. Questions like, how can I build better habits? What can I do to make my work more fulfilling? Why do my best friend and I always seem to talk past each other? In other words, we talk about what it means to be human and share science-backed insights about your mind and those of the people around you. One of the topics that we talk a lot about on Hidden Brain is purpose and meaning. We all want to feel like we matter and that we're spending our lives in ways that reflect who we are and what we value.

0:45We talked about this recently with Victor Strecker. He researches the topic of purpose at the University of Michigan. His interest in purpose has been profoundly shaped by events in his own life, including his daughter Julia's health struggles. Julia's heart was damaged by a virus when she was an infant, and she ended up having two heart transplants before passing away at the age of 19. In a recent conversation with me, Vic shared how he struggled with his grief after Julia's death and how the experience has shaped his thoughts on how we can all cultivate purpose and meaning in our own lives. Today, we bring you a portion of that conversation, as Vic recalls the days he spent in a family cabin on Lake Michigan after Julia's death.

1:31He spent much of his time numbing himself with TV, but he also had brought some books with him. Now and then, he would dip into them. One book was a book of poetry by the Persian poet Rumi, a 13th century poet, an amazing poet. And I wasn't into poetry, I'll be real honest. I didn't read poetry. but I just started paging through it and it seemed like there were letters Rumi was writing to me and before I went to bed I read this amazing poem and if it's alright I'd like to read just the first piece of this poem The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you don't go back to sleep you must ask for what you really want don't go back to sleep People are going back and forth across the door sill where the two worlds touch.

2:27The door is round and open. Don't go back to sleep.

2:36That night I went to sleep and I had a dream that I was with Julia. We were rollerblading in the Netherlands in this small, beautiful medieval town called Maastricht. and we were rollerblading together. She was only nine years old and we looked out and we saw this beautiful, what looked like a place of worship. It could have been a mosque. It could have been a synagogue. It could have been a church. Whatever it was, it was beautiful and marble stone. It was huge and it was glowing.

3:13And we rollerbladed there. and then we went into the entrance and right in the entrance was a spiral staircase that went down infinitely and she said, we need to go down there and I said, Julia, we can't, we have rollerblades on and we started floating down this spiral staircase it was a very vivid dream and we ended up in this large marble hall room a giant room with a big hallway and as we entered the room there are these three beautiful women and they're all wearing exactly the same dress. They came up and I turned to look at Julia and suddenly she was wearing exactly that dress. And she was 19 suddenly.

4:01And she said, I have to go. And she turned from me and she walked with these three people and they all disappeared.

4:20I woke up. It was 5 o 'clock in the morning, and my pillowcase was just soaked with tears. And I thought, I want to go back to sleep. I want to see her again. It was such a vivid dream. I was talking with her. I think I might be able to go back to sleep and talk to Julia. And I remembered the Rumi poem that said, don't go back to sleep. So I looked out right onto Lake Michigan, and it was still dark, but I could tell that Lake Michigan was exceedingly calm. Usually there are big waves. It looks like an ocean usually, but it was glassy smooth. And I was just sleeping in a boxers and a t-shirt, but I decided to pop out of bed, and I hopped in my kayak.

5:13It was still dark. It was still spring, and I started paddling out into the middle of Lake Michigan. I just thought, I'm just going to keep paddling. This is so beautiful out here. The water was so cold, I knew if I'd fallen in, I would probably drown. I didn't care. I just kept paddling and paddling straight out toward Wisconsin. And Wisconsin is 86 miles away, by the way. but I was thinking, I was about two miles out as far as I could tell and I was thinking maybe I'll just keep going. This is so beautiful and I really don't have anything to live for right now. Suddenly the sun came up. It was 5.15 in the morning and I saw all the water shimmering around me.

6:06I don't know how to explain this but water will shimmer when it's very, very smooth and the sun was just coming up, and everywhere around me it felt like it was glowing. But then suddenly I felt my daughter, Julia, inside me. I don't know how else to put it. She was in me. And I felt her say, Dad, you've got to get over this. And it wasn't like she was looking at me going, you have to get over this. It was more, you have to get over yourself. You have to get over your ego. You have to get over your grief and think about things bigger than yourself. But you have a choice right now. You can decide to continue on to Wisconsin, and you'll never make that, of course.

6:54Or you can turn back, but if you do turn back, you're going to have to change your life.

7:02I stayed out there for quite a few minutes thinking about this. And the sun was coming up. It was beautiful. and I decided to turn around. I went back. I was cold, kind of damp. I went right to our kitchen. I pulled a sheet of paper out and said, Vic, you have to help yourself. And I don't know how to explain this either, but it was almost as if I was looking down on myself from the ceiling and just looking at my head, looking at the piece of paper and pen and saying, what are you going to do to help yourself, Vic? Almost like I was my own therapist. And I said, maybe the first thing I need to do is write down what matters most in my life.

7:51And so I literally just started writing my family. Jerry, my wife. Rachel, my daughter. I started writing down my mom, my dad, my siblings. Then I wrote down my friends. Then I started asking myself, what matters at work? they've given you this semester off from teaching. They even gave you the next semester if you need it off from teaching. They said you lost your daughter. It's one of the hardest things you can go through. But I started asking myself what matters most. I do a lot of research, but I said everything my students matter most. And then it dawned on me, I need to get back to teaching.

8:32so that morning I called the school and said I know you gave me this semester and even next semester off if I need it but quite honestly it's not the advice I need I really need to teach and I want to teach every one of my students as if they're my own daughter Julia and that changed my life

9:01Thank you.

9:31or find us online at hiddenbrain.org. I'm Shankar Vedantam. Thanks for listening.