Bert Kreischer

29:14And the room's like, what? Wait, what? And I told a story of how I found out at the Anne Frank house that they're not. And I got off stage. And, you know, Rogan has, like, many faces. But his best face he has is when he's confused by you.

29:33It's almost like if you ever watch him listen to stories about aliens, it's the same face. Okay, no, I know that face. Yes. He goes, what? Is that true? Is that real? I went, yeah. And he goes, is that a bit? And I went, no. And he goes, you got to talk about this on stage. You guys, you got to get back up. You got to go into another room and explore the story. And I was like, what's so funny, that's the same day I went to a live sex club and they had this flying dildo show. And he was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And that became a big bit. But it's like, you don't know. The pajama story was a story I told right before I was about to do Secret Time, which I, by the way, shot here in Philly at the truck.

30:08I was and I and Adam Eget I just did it like I just told it on stage like in the OR not thinking getting ready for my special but not thinking it would fit and Adam Eget who now runs Joe's Club the company mothership came up to me goes that is hysterical and I was like yeah but it's story in my head I was like it's a story about people laughing it's not really like and he was like I I don't give a shit. No, because it's so relatable. She's in pajamas, so I got her seven. So I got her, I nailed it. I have a story I'm working on that I can't, that when I tell on the bus, like if I tell friends, it's so funny, but I can't get to work on stage about Isla for like a year spoke with a French accent.

30:51And it was all to piss Leigh-Anne off. And it used to make me laugh so hard. And then she just stopped. Isla's just such an interesting, She sent 95 pictures of our dog last night. She just kept texting, texting, texting. So our kids are very emotionally grown up. My children are. I was not. I was angry all day. I was angry this morning. I was angry. I just, I get angry when, instead of her. It's your initial response. Yeah. Yeah. And Isla was like, Isla talked me off a ledge. Georgia was like, hey, you got a show to do. Like, they're just really, really wise children. Valentine's Day is coming up And the best gift you can give is showing up confident, energized And performing your best where it matters most Game Day Men's Health specializes in helping men optimize testosterone, energy And sexual performance with real testing, face-to-face visits, and personalized treatment plans No long waits, no online guesswork Do you think they test the sexual performance?

31:54Yes Wow If you've noticed lower energy, reduced drive, or performance issues, don't ignore it. Book your free in-clinic consultation at gamedaymenshealth.com and feel like your best self this Valentine's Day. Do you have Mastiffs or Bull Mastiffs? Bull Mastiffs. Bull Mastiffs. I think that's the end. I grew up with Bull Mastiffs. They're the fucking best. Yeah, and now we have Mastiffs. Oh, maybe we'll go Mastiffs. Yeah, and I have some pictures to show you. This is Mac and Izzy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I know. I just put it on there today. Oh, that is so awesome. Mac passed while we were in Hawaii, oddly enough.

32:38We were on a hike or a walk, me and Leanne, and the vet was like, we got to put him down. And we had to put him down on Zoom. Oh, I'm so sorry. And then it's interesting because I was thinking about our two dogs, right? So we knew Mac had cancer, but we got to spend like a solid six months extra with him of just giving him love. And then, you know, obviously, luckily, because of that, we knew how precious Izzy was to us. So this six months, Mac passed in August, so whatever the, you know, four months it's been, we've been loving on Izzy like crazy because we miss Mac. but I don't know which is better to go within two minutes and you don't see it coming and you feel it like a ton of bricks or to draw it out well you got to give her all that extra love though anyway yeah so I have a similar story this is Andre he was 240 he's a big big big boy that is a gorgeous dog he He was my boy, and we found out he had an osteosarcoma in his leg.

33:57Found out because we thought he needed knee surgery, and he did, but then when they were in there, they found that he had bone cancer. So that's how Mac went, and you can't cut their leg off. No, they're too big. Like it was a small dog, they just cut their leg off. They're too big, you can't do it. It's heartbreaking, and then you watch that leg tremble, and you're just like, oh, buddy. so this dog like he had such a personality and i tried to gate him in right and i slept downstairs with him and all this stuff he would get out still even with the bum leg and on the last day so we got to love on him right for for two to three months we got to just love on him and the last day was so hard because we watched our kids say goodbye oh that's the and it was really really really, really hard.

34:46Um, but also so beautiful, you know, to have the gift of getting to say goodbye. Um, yeah, that was, that was a rough one. The first one, the first ones I talked about that in, um, in my last special lucky. Um, it's so funny, you know, I, not to get in the weeds on like the creative process or production or netflix you know but it's it's interesting i i when you shoot a special sometimes people shoot one show which i think is ill-advised sometimes they shoot two which once again i think is not the best idea four is probably the magic number but unlucky i decided to shoot six and if i hadn't shot six on the last night we had gotten it clearly we'd gotten it in four but on that last night um my one of my best friends and the guy who does all my shows he does free bird as well like he Tony Hernandez I grew up with him and Leanne's a producer on everything I do they're like yo tell the story about putting down Mac and it's such an emotional story but it's very funny and um and by the way it was probably the standout bit in Lucky that everyone passed around because if you've lost a dog you identify it's a lot of things that happen that only if you've put a dog down are you familiar with like when they go they come and they go i'm gonna give them a shot to make them feel a little better and you watch this dog who struggled for the last day and a half just get a like go that was a close call huh guys and you're like oh your heart breaks you're like oh baby girl but um i talked about putting priscilla was our first bull mastiff and um we were we were all oh i mean oh it's like it's but it's watching your kids go through it is the hardest that's the hardest we had them we were on our way to go to new hampshire for like a break it's where my husband's family's from and so we had everybody say goodbye and then the kids left and then Paul and I had the vet come to the house.

36:54Oh wow, the kids weren't. We didn't have them there for his final moments. I didn't think that that was we gave them the option but I encouraged them. I didn't think that that was the best. I didn't know that was an option.

37:11Yeah, I just they got to say their goodbyes and then But when they gave Andre the muscle relaxer, he looked at me like desperate and made eye contact like, is this okay? And I was like, it's okay, buddy. You're going to be just fine. And then he closed his eyes. But now we have Gus. And we have Attila. I love Attila. Attila was the girl that we loved on. and you can see her here with Gus. Oh my God. Yeah, that's Attila and that's a puppy. They look almost identical. But so you had a reverse brindle. Reverse brindle. Yeah. She came up, I was on tour, I was doing the Celebrity Theater in Phoenix and Leanne said, I want a dog.

38:02And I said, great. She goes, there's one 30 miles from here. And I went, hold on. Now I'm a little bit of a meathead. So I'm like, I go, what? She goes, it's their very last one. I go, that's the one no one wanted. She goes, I don't give a shit. She's like, it's a good dog. It's a beautiful dog. Let's go meet it. I go, baby, if it's like going to get a car, if you go look at cars, you're buying a car. If we look at this puppy, we're going to get a puppy. And we walked in to this house. And this Izzy came up. And I did not want Izzy. Oh. And she climbed up in my lap. and she laid back with her feet out and her paws like this and went to sleep on my belly as they're talking about what and I went I go we're getting this fucking dog and Leanne was like for real no she was beautiful reverse brindle beautiful dog and she was an apocalypse dog like when if you had to live through an apocalypse this is the dog you want walking by your side everywhere you go.

39:13If you woke up and walked outside, she walked with you and just stood next to you. And when I went to the gym, she'd walk to the gym with me. And then if you were in the gym and she couldn't find you in the house, she'd go to the gym window and just stare at you and wait until you open the door. And you could tell what the best thing about this dog is you could go, Izzy, go lay down. And she'd go lay down. Like that's the best, I mean just the best dog. Mac was a whore. Mac was the one. He was Because he wanted to be inside you. He was 160 pounds, and he wanted to be on you, in you, at any moment.

39:48He could not any space, and he was Leanne's dog. I mean, everyone always claims a dog. I always get the crap dog, you know? But, like, Mac was the prettiest dog you've ever seen in your life. I mean, you would take pictures of this dog, and just like every beautiful person, dumb as shit, and just you'd get the greatest pictures of Mac. And then Pris was the one before. Pris was like the five. Pris was. Priscilla was our first bull mastiff. Okay. And she was. That's a great name for a bull mastiff. Man. I said this in the special. I got her when I was doing the road a lot. And I wanted a bull mastiff because I wanted someone to protect the house.

40:32Yeah. And I remember when she was a puppy, she was nervous and scared. I said this in the special or whatever, but it's true. She was nervous and scared, and I had a drink, and I got down on the floor with her with a cocktail, and I was a little buzzed. And I was like, hey. She was nervous. She was a puppy. I go, you're about to have the greatest life in the world. I go, these little girls are going to love the shit out of you. They're going to play dress up. You're going to have the greatest time of your life. And I go, that woman there, she's going to take care of every need you ever need in your entire life.

40:58I go, here's the deal, though. I go, I'm going to be in and out of here. You're not going to see me much. You've got to take care of them. You've got to be the one. I need you to be a terrorist. Anyone comes through that door, you die first. And I swear to God, this dog got comfortable, looked at me like, I can do that. And no one, I mean, no one came near that house because of that dog. And we lived in an alley. Like people would like, homeless people lived on. That dog would protect that house. And Izzy, if you broke into our house with a ball, it was your house. She would play with you. Mac was beautiful.

41:34He was like a men's journal model. He wasn't going to protect you. But God, and now can I tell you the thing that's really breaking my heart? Is I'm afraid we'll never get another dog. You have to. Yeah, but the girls are in college. And Leanne has spent her whole life raising girls and raising dogs and having dogs.

42:05and part of her, I'm afraid she's just going to be like, let's spend some time without a dog and travel and I'll come on the road with you. We're going to go into production on this movie that we're shooting and it shoots on a desert island, so I don't know how. It's like all these things are happening where I know, and she's always a producer on everything I do. We're doing another special. I'm on tour. You are a busy man. I am very busy. I am very busy. I should not have a dog. I really shouldn't. Maybe I'll get. And I don't want a little. I was going to say, what about a little dog? No, no, no.

42:39When you showed me your dog, I was like, can you tell me where you got your dog? Yes. Beowulf Mastiffs. Yeah. I'm going to name the first one Grendel. Oh, yeah. There's some great. Mastiffs are the best. Mastiffs. I mean, I'm partial. Mastiffs are the Bentley. You know? They are the Bentley. They are enormous. So Gus right now is a 180-pound puppy. And he tears the house up. He gets the zoomies. And he's like... He really does. He wrecks everything. He takes everybody out. Clips you right at the knees. I mean, he's brutal. And wakes me up at least twice in the night to go outside. For real? For real.

43:24He's a baby. Do you sleep in bed with them? They are not allowed in our beds. They're too big. We were sleeping with all the dogs in bed at one point. Three dogs and a cat. That must be fun. Oh, I loved it. I loved it. But you'd roll over and you'd grab onto anything. I can't imagine a life without a dog. Yeah. I can't imagine not having a dog. Not having. They're so. Because it's just pure unconditional love. pure love like you come home and you have a crappy day and they're like and they're like hello and their eyes their eyes will be like what's up like heart heart eyes yeah our little puppy has like cartoon heart eyes when he looks at you like the greatest thing in the world every woman in my house got a cat everyone got cats everyone isla isla's therapist says get her a cat we get her a cat this cat i hope isla's not watching is a piece of shit i mean it is Frankie is one person's cat.

44:29It is one person's cat. It is Isla's cat. It doesn't like anyone else. And it gives you bitch eyes any time it sees you. I don't love cats. I don't either. And then Georgia has a rescue cat that like I gotta be honest with you, I think Leanne kidnapped a cat. We had a cat A rescue cat. A missing cat. Can I tell you the poster of that cat? So there's a cat that's coming into our into our uh into our neighborhood in our house in our yard and it's always coming in uh and and and it's got like a chip on it like a like a right right tag air tag so uh it's coming in all the time and there's coyotes in la and it's just living in our front yard it's not going home it's just living in our front yard so leanne's like well i'll open the garage door so it has a place to hide so then it's living in our garage so then leanne leaves out food i go don't give it food it's never gonna leave yeah so then i go you gotta find out whose cat this is so leanne takes the cat over to the neighbors and is like hey uh i think this is your cat and you know they're not from this country so they're not like they're like it's a street cat and they're like what because it is everyone's cat not our cat it's street cat and she's like so it's a street cat And he's like, yeah, it's Street Cat.

45:47Leanne's like, no, it's not. It's our cat. So the cat now lives with us. Well, there you go. You got rid of that air tag. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Leanne took off the air tag. I was like, welcome home. By the way, I'm changing your name. It's like if it's your cat and you have an air tag on it, you're looking for it. You would think. He was like, no, it's Street Cat. So do you do accents other than Russian? No. That's it. I do that and I do a very confusing European guy. Wait. it's so bad that you can't even tell where it's from I go I can't even do it now I'm really bad at accents I can do Kermit the Frog but everyone thinks it's Patrick Mahomes it's in the middle of it I can only grab it in a bit in a bit I can go to voices that I do in the bit like

46:39which I don't think means hey you're okay stay there but I can only run it in the bit I can't just do it out of nowhere I hate when people say do that accent I'm not good at accents I'm not either apparently I can do Leanne's accent but it's so bad she gets angry I'm like hi y 'all she's like that don't sound like that she says things like I need an ink pen and where is she from? small town in Georgia because your daughter was named after George was named after Leanne State, and then Isla was named after a drunk aunt she had, Aunt Isla, who was like an artist and an alcoholic. And I'm painting my picture of it, but a lunatic, like back in the 50s.

47:24In the best way. In the 50s when you're not supposed to be like a fried green tomatoes lunatic. Right, right. Like Shirley MacLaine and fried green tomatoes. And so, man, we got that paid out in dozens. And so I didn't name any of our kids. we were gonna have a third but then Isla just took the soul out of Leanne second one Isla was like you know both our kids are interesting in different ways like Georgia is I had a really smart British comic I forget his name but I did a podcast with him and he was like you know I've watched a lot of your stuff I've watched a lot of your stuff yeah you are bad at it I'm really bad at it I'm trying to do it right now.

48:08Okay. Okay. I washed a lot of your stove. Okay, Davey. And he was like, he was like, Georgia is your Jiminy Cricket. I never understood what that meant. But like Georgia my entire life with that child has been like, she's almost like your teammate. like she just like ponies up to you like like uh like for fun and like and but almost to like witness the world with you you know like she was the one like she was the one i would laugh at like we taught i had to ride a bike i taught george how to ride a bike george was very emotional and so it was it was a day it was like a it was a full day i took the pedals off we went to the park we found a very subtle downhill she didn't get it at first and then she gave up and threw melted down and then I got her back and then she learned how to ride a bike and then she was so proud of herself and then the day we were going to teach Isla to ride a bike, Georgia comes in like my assistant coach Dad, we got this, we're going to teach her and I was like, that's right and so I said, I'm going to take the pedals off your bike and Isla goes, no, I got it and I was like, you don't have it Isla, like trust me she goes, I got it dad, just give me a push and so I was like, okay so I give her a push and the kid gets it and then within 50 feet hits the front of a BMW and goes over the handlebars onto the hood.

49:36And Isla in Georgia looks at me and goes, did you see that? I go, yeah. And so then I go, Isla. She goes, I'm good, I'm good, do it again. I'm great, Dad. So we put her on and then she, somehow it's a higher fire hydrant and goes over a fire hydrant and we're like, oh my God. So we put her on again and she hits a trash can. And then Georgia looks at me and goes, do you think she needs glasses? I mean, Georgia, that's who Georgia is. Like your assistant. Do you remember the TV show Coach? She's like dauber. And so like Georgia would be the one that goes, hey, have you seen your youngest daughter?

50:17And I'm like, I haven't. She goes, because she's stuck in a tree. And then you go out and I was at the top of the tree going, how do I get down? Where's the door? Yeah, I mean, the two of them, I remember Isla and Leanne got into a fight one morning. Georgia was the, I don't mean to slight one kid and prop up, but Georgia was the ideal child. Hey, you'd open the door to wake her up and she'd already be awake going, I'm already up. I've been reading. And you're like, oh, awesome. I mean, Leanne would get everyone ready for school. And I'm sure this is in therapy. They'll figure out what this did to Georgia.

50:53But everyone ready for school. and Georgia would be backpack on, socks pulled up over calves, shoes on, ready to go, packed her own lunchbox. Hairbrushed. Hairbrushed, braided her own hair, and Isla would not have clothes on yet. Would be naked in front of the shoes, putting on socks, and going, I don't like the way they feel. I don't like the way they feel. And so one time they're fighting so bad. Isla and Leanne. Isla will not put on shoes. none of her shoes feel right which by the way is me that's entirely me i have tactile issues see she's a lot like you her yes her and leanne get into a crazy fight and then georgia pulls me aside she's like you you gotta stop this like i go what she goes i mean we're not going anywhere mom's not talking to her she's not talking to mom i need to get to school you gotta be a referee somehow so i go to i said you need to apologize to your mom and she goes absolutely not and i went And she goes, she can come to me.

51:55And I was like, and by the way, Isla had to be, this had to be 2010 at least. So Isla had to be six or four. She's probably six years old. Maybe seven. And I go, Isla, we're going to go into the room. Your mom's in the closet. You're going to say you're sorry and that we found a pair of shoes. We found a pair of shoes for her. So she puts on her shoes. She walks into the closet. Leanne is facing her clothes in the closet, knows we're in there, and will not turn around. Oh. Isla's standing behind her looks at me and I said, Isla, is there something you want to say to your mom? And she goes, I don't know.

52:31Does she want to say something first? And Leanne goes, well, what did you want to say to me? And Isla goes, turn around. And Leanne goes, what did you want to say? And Isla goes, Dad, I'm afraid if I apologize she wins. I'm out. And walked out and I went...

52:48I'm afraid if she... One time, one time George and I got into a fight fight, right? And I bring them into the kitchen. This is our old house. Yellow kitchen. Standing right in front of our 1950s stove. I mean, the old stove where you could lift up this part and cook bacon and then close it. Oh, yes. And then that was a flat top old stove. And I go, hey, this ends right now. I go, you girls are sisters. You're teammates. You don't realize that. You're all you have. One day, mom and I will be gone. And it will just be you. and you have to appreciate the person you are looking at right now and they're staring at each other.

53:24I go, there's only one thing to say to each other right now and I think you know what that is. Georgia, she goes, Isla, you're my sister and I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry. And I go, that is beautiful, Georgia. I said, Isla, what are you going to say to your sister? And she goes, I accept your apology. So good. And we're like, what the fuck? Yeah, my daughter would have said, I don't accept your apology. after all that. Like getting right, and then it escalates right away again. I'm bummed that it's, it doesn't, this is what's upsetting me about the dog, but I'm bummed that it's over.

53:59Yeah. I'm bummed that the dogs. But maybe it's not totally over. But the dogs that they knew, the dogs that they had, the dogs that they grew up with, they're all gone. And then. It's a new chapter. It's a new chapter, and I don't like new chapters. And then they're going to come home and they'll meet the new, maybe they'll meet the new dogs. But like, you know, Georgia came back for her first week of college. And like first semester of college, she came back for Thanksgiving. And our dogs had never experienced separation before. Right. And they lost their minds. When she came home. And they were like, Mac almost was trying to throw out his back.

54:36He was like, oh, I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead. God, you're back. Your hair's in your color, but I don't care. And Izzy was like, ah. and now these new dogs if we get new dogs they'll be like who are you and then you know it's like i don't know i just it's different and the girls are in college and the girl you know but that's life i don't like it i don't like it either i don't like it i'm not saying it like oh it's just life you got my oldest is a sophomore in college and my middle is getting ready to go and i'm not okay i still haven't gotten over my oldest being gone and she's not even that far and my middle is going and I'm not okay.

55:13And my youngest is going to turn 16 in August. And the second she gets her car, she's going to be out. Or not car, but license. WWE World returns to Las Vegas this April 16th through the 20th. And it's the can't miss destination during WrestleMania week. WWE World brings the WWE universe closer than ever to the superstars, legends, and iconic moments that define WWE. With immersive exhibits, exclusive merchandise, and experiences you won't find anywhere else. See superstars like Drew McIntyre, Liv Morgan, Jey Uso, Dominic Mysterio, Tiffany Stratton, and many more with even more appearances still to come.

55:59Tickets are on sale now at wweworld.com. Save 10 % with promo code YOURSTORY10. You know, can I tell you, this is how, like, so doing this series has been, it was very therapeutic. It was very fun because we're writing off of our real life and we're writing off our real personalities. And so people always say, is Isla like that in real life? Yeah. Yeah. In part, yeah. She was a lunatic. And she was crazy. And she lived, you know, but Isla was a little different in that because I stole her anonymity, she was a little self-aware at a certain age. At that age, she was a lunatic. and Georgia was very emotional and like our stories in life were always on the shoulder of whatever was going on in Georgia's life at the time you know and Georgia was very uh bullheaded and she wanted to do things her way and and and then you know but can I tell you this is like as I've you know been thinking about you know shows doing pretty well and people like would you do season two this is how much I miss my family is I wanted this was my pitch for season two and Netflix has not heard this yet.

57:11I want it to open on me and Leanne's funeral. And young Georgia and Isla are in the front pew and they're really upset. And as people are eulogizing us, a 25 and 27 year old version of Island Georgia come in with veils on and sit down next to them as time travelers and go, hey cheer up. We can fix this. You just got to trust us. and then it's them time traveling back to save our lives because i just if i could do anything i'd time travel back to say to live in those lives to cherish the moments that were frustrating me so much as a parent the times that it was like how many times would you go back to the time when they didn't want the seat belt on just to put the seat belt on them one more time to be that close to the baby that smells like Cheerios and just be like, hey, hey, calm down.

58:07It's okay. We're together. Like so many times teaching them how to swim, how to ride a bike. I mean like all the times are gone and I get so morose. I talk to my dad about it. My dad gets really sad sometimes when he thinks about all the stuff we've done and he'll reminisce and he can get emotional. He can go like, we had such a great time because he's 77 now. What's his advice? None. None. Don't listen to that, man. Okay, don't. He's, his, I mean, my dad's a little bit old school, so, you know. Yeah. His advice. Stoic. I took from what my, and I hope my dad would hear this kindly, but I took, my dad was very much like, he didn't go out, didn't party, didn't really, I mean, didn't really, like, have friends until we left.

58:55When it was the family, it was us every night at our house. Now, I think this develops the man I am today, is that I am a guy that always wants to party. I always want to be out. I always want to have friends. I want to go to other people's houses. I want to have big grill-outs and cook-outs. I want all of that because we didn't have that as kids. My dad just wanted family together. That was it. We were this nuclear family. Now, when my dad's visiting L.A., we are a wild nuclear family. At Christmas, my parents come out. It is me. We call it big team is like what we are.

59:25but what I drew from that is the guy I am today is I'm a little different so like I kind of go out of my way to fly everyone to LA so that we can all go to like I took everyone to Hawaii recently so I want to create memories like I'm doing a South Beach Food and Wine Festival and I said to my dad let me get you a hotel room mom's going to be in LA why don't I fly you into South Beach and you'll have some great meals and I can get you some, have some great wine. I can't drink with you, but we'll hang out and just go to the festival. My dad's like, okay. So I think the one takeaway I've seen from him is like, I want to make sure that like we spend as much time together as a family as we can.

1:00:08And, but I would go back to like the first time I introduced the girls to chocolate. We were at the mall in LA. That was like my move as a dad is that Leanne was working. I just take the girls to the mall. yeah oh i love it three stories family center yeah are you kidding me and uh i took the girls and the food court oh the i go to the food court i get they have hot chocolate chip cookies just came out otis bunkemeyer no uh i think it was nestle's oh the nestle store oh wow and so toll house yeah toll house oh yeah so i look at the girls and i go have you guys ever had a cookie like a chocolate chip cookie?

1:00:48And George is like, I don't think so. George is older than Isla at the time. Isla's not speaking. And even when she could speak, couldn't understand her. And I go, oh, can I get... But she could walk. She learned how to walk before she did anything. She learned how to walk at like 10 months. You were 10 months according to your mom, I think. Yes, yes. It causes dyslexia. Just so you know, if your kid's walking, ankle them and get them on the ground. They're supposed to crawl before they walk. If they're walking, they're not going to read.

1:01:20So I get a dozen hot chocolate chip cookies. I give one to Georgia. Georgia Chrysler. Oh, no, not too hot. Not too hot. Not too hot. Okay. She takes a bite of a warm chocolate chip cookie. First taste ever. She looks at me and she goes, does mom know about these? we used to go we used to go we used to go to ralph's i might i would always do events with the girls like i always take them places because i wasn't like a sit-at-home dad so i remember taking them to ralph's on the corner of la brea and west third and i would take them to ralph's now at a certain hour in the night usually around like four or five o 'clock la brea bakery would deliver hot bread.

1:02:08And I would get a loaf of hot bread right when it got delivered. I would rip it open and I'd just shove butter, half a stick of butter in each in the grocery store. And I'd watch my girls fist warm bread out of two loaves. Warm buttered bread. Warm buttered bread. And I would and then just sitting in the cart just sitting crisscross applesauce in the cart. Oh, just having the greatest time. I didn't know this was an option. I'm going to start doing this with my kids. I mean those those moments are like my favorite moments like teaching my girls how to hit softballs was like they had beautiful swings they had beautiful swings like I'm very like I want them to have grandkids right away that's where I'm going that's what I'm hoping for people like oh like they can't believe they outlawed abortion in Georgia I go thank god I want a grandbaby stay in Georgia I want that baby don't you kill that baby I want that baby Your mom's going to raise them.

1:03:07I'm going to play with them. I can teach them how you're talking about Chip and Cookie. Mine are still young enough where it's not really, I don't want that just yet. But I do. I was 19. I'll take one right now. But I swear, yeah, that's my oldest is 19. She'll be 20 in July. But that's where I'm going because I'm having all these moments too. And I'm going through all the pictures and I'm putting together the yearbook ad. And I'm like reliving all these moments. And it's like, where did it go? Where did it go? It went so fast. You know, Brian, I want to say this. If you're listening, and I know there's this weird thing that's happening in society where people look at – when I was a kid, if I saw someone that had money, I kind of fantasized about money.

1:03:50I thought it was cool. And I know people get shamed for money, kill all the billionaires or whatever. But I always want to say something. Sometimes when I was growing up, I was in a rush to make money because I wanted the big house. and the whole time I felt inadequate because my house was like 1 ,100 square feet and I wanted the big house for my girls. I wanted the big yard for my girls. Not realizing what that little house gave us. Yeah. And I'm only saying this if you're a dad or a mom and like Leanne grew up in a trailer and so every house was big to her. Yeah. My dad grew up in a trailer.

1:04:27Yeah. Did he really? Yeah. Yeah. and so uh so i remember one time brian regan's one of the best comedians that's ever lived he's one of the most talented comedians ever and i was i brought him into my house to a podcast and he said um he said this is your house and i went yeah but i'm getting we're about to get like a big i was really embarrassed yeah i'm just i'm just trying to be as honest and as vulnerable as possible of course and he went out if i were you i wouldn't leave i said what he goes this feels like a house like this feels like a family like a home and i was like really and he goes yeah He was like, this is like, he goes, trust me, you're going to get the big house and everyone will be in the rooms.

1:05:04And you're going to have to scream to get anyone to hear you or call them, God forbid. And it won't feel like this. And then he goes, this smells like a house. And I was like, she's making dinner. He goes, yeah, but I can smell it when I walked in the door. Yeah. And he was like, and it feels like a house. And then he goes, and it sounds like a house. And as he says that, George and Isla run in the house from the pool. And George is like, mom, Isla kicked me in the vagina. and he's like see this is a house but I always say like you know like I had a hard time when we got our nice house and we still own our old house and I go to that house and I'm like this house just this was right built like 1930 it never never got it was just perfect it's the perfect house in my opinion and you know I was talking to I was talking to um Shannon Sharp about like you know when you get money and I said you know what's the difference between like the money you have now and the money you had I don't think this made the interview because it was pretty gross conversation but I go what's the difference like you make a lot of money now I go when your first contract how much you make and he was like four hundred thousand dollar signing bonus seven hundred thousand dollars a year and I was like what was the difference and he thought about it and he went you know back then when I wanted to watch I had to wait for it and save for it and I really thought about that watch and I go now and he goes just buy it and I go which one mattered more and he goes oh the first one.

1:06:31The one you had to earn. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like so what I don't know what I was in a race for I wish that meaning like when we talk about our kids. Yeah you were always putting pressure on yourself. I'm putting pressure on myself. Yeah about what it means to provide for them. I could never sit with the girls and read a book out loud because I felt like I was doing them a disservice by not working, by not writing. I would go on the road for so long because I thought that's what you're supposed to do as a dad is you got to work. You got to, like I'm letting them down. And so I missed out on a lot, on a lot.

1:07:05I don't need to tell you in this business, everyone misses out on a lot and you find different things to make up for it. And it becomes your norm and it becomes my daughters don't know any different. It's like, you know, That's true. They don't know any different. And they appreciate those moments that they do have with you that much more because it means that much more to them. You're not just around all the time and they can take it for granted. It's that much more special to them, those moments that they have with you. And I guarantee if you ask them that, they'll tell you. I hope so it's true don't feel guilty and you can't change the past but you were doing everything for them but the moments that you were with them you seem like such a wonderful family man, you really do and you love your wife and your kids and your dogs and maybe even the cats you'll give some grace but I bet those moments that you did have you were letting them paint your nails you were taking them to the grocery store with hot bread and butter like you gave them their first chocolate chip cookie with the ooey gooey chocolate like they will forever remember those moments with you so don't ever, don't feel badly don't regret that you may have wanted more time and hopefully you'll get that on the other side with your grandkids but you didn't short change them yeah, I feel like I did you know, I'll tell you what I'd feel worse if I wasn't able to get them to let them go to college.

1:08:38I'd feel worse if like, you know, like, so I'm glad I did what I did. You know, I'm happy. You know, I've achieved everything I've ever wanted to achieve in life. In all honesty, I never thought I'd get what I got. I never thought that I'd do a theater, let alone arenas, let alone the arena we're in right now where my mom grew up, like in Philly. I was walking here and one of the security guards was like, what's up, Bert? because I did I did but I never thought I never thought I have a tv show ever I never thought I never thought I had of a movie I never look as a child growing up you know wrestling as growing up in Florida wrestling is um was like it was almost like something you didn't realize you were being ingrained in it almost was like fishing or like or like baseball like in Florida that was wrestling because in Tampa, that is, we had just a thick upbringing of it.

1:09:37Yeah, that's where a lot of people live too. I mean, to see Paul Orndorff wasn't like crazy. It was like, oh shit, look who's there. And I'm good friends with Cody. And when I met Cody for the first time, we were drinking a glass of whiskey and we were living together in a hotel in quarantine for a TV show. And I said to him, he said, do you follow wrestling? I said, no. I'm not a wrestling fan. I said, I gotta say that because I don't want to disrespect you and tell you I am when I'm not. And then he was like, okay, that's cool. And I said, I just want to be up front. And then he was like, and then we started talking wrestling.

1:10:18Right. As wrestling fans do. And then all of a sudden he's like, you are actually wrestling fans. You just recounted the Ric Flair, Carrie Von Erich match in great detail. In great detail. You remember that? Are you fucking kidding? Who doesn't remember that? Then I started quoting some of his dad's promos to him. He was like, did you ever see my dad wrestle? I said, yeah, 100%. We used to go to the Tampa Armory and watch matches every Saturday night. He was like, wait, hold on. I said, dude, one of my favorite moments was with the Yahoo McDaniels. He's like, hold on, wait. He's like, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, Bert.

1:10:52I don't want to freak you out, but you're a wrestling fan. I hate to break it to you. And then I was like, well, I know, but I don't like. And then I was just trying to defend it because I understand how deep a fan really is. But wrestling is as important to me as football is. I couldn't tell you the name of Donald. Sam Donald is quarterback playing. Darnold, whatever. But I love football. I'm never going to be. The one who has the encyclopedia of knowledge. Yeah, but let me tell you something. when Paul Hammond came over and shook my hand over there in the commissary, I was like, and I was like, I didn't want to bother you.

1:11:29I can't believe you know who I am. Are you freaking kidding me? And, and, and, and I love, I mean, I've always said this, but like, you know, Tom was not a wrestling fan. He made fun of it and noticeably. And I told him, I said, you gotta go to, you gotta go to an event because that's the only way I said at its best, at its best. It's as good as any two minutes left in any game. It is. just magical it is you disappear you get involved and i was like i was like it's the greatest it's it's it's my favorite thing and i know you know i'm so happy that team you guys were working with netflix because it's it's in my gym all i watch is netflix you know that's all i really that's the only thing i know a password to and um you don't even need it anymore series is phenomenal the fucking the series on on vince was fucking incredible like i mean that was like oh everything's fucking incredible.

1:12:23And then to get to you know, I mean like CM Punk gave me a hug and he's like, I'm sorry to hear about your dog. And he just lost his dog. God damn it, I should have known that. Yeah, Larry. I was like, thanks man. And then he was like, what about my dog? No, I'm sure he wouldn't say it that way. But he knows what it feels like. But you know, WWE, wrestling it is storytelling. It is exactly what you do on stage or in your shows. There's so many correlations to stand-up comedy and wrestling, especially right now. There's so many. I remember Cody said to me, he goes, you're the most professional wrestler I've ever met that doesn't wrestle.

1:13:06And I said, really? He said, you know, you remind me of everyone I grew up with because you sell yourself, you pitch yourself. He goes, I knew who you were within two minutes of meeting you. I knew everything about you. He goes, that's wrestling. And I was like, really? And then I look at my promos, and my best promos are just great wrestling promos. And I think in wrestling promo terms. Yeah. I think, like, one of my most famous speeches is I'll never quit drinking. That's wrestling. Oh, yeah. No, it's great. I love that one. Tom, okay, best moment of my life, right? So best moment of my life, Florida State reaches out and says, can you do the pregame speech to the stadium before the Alabama game?

1:13:5190 ,000 people. And I said, I'd love to. And they go, all you really need to do, technically, say God bless the troops, God bless America, and a version of ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. And I was like, okay. I go, didn't Kevin James do that? They're like, yeah, that's what we want. That's what we do. That's what we do here. And I was like, okay. So I go to Fatal Asia, me and Tom, we bring Porosos, we do a big, that's our vodka, we do a big bottle signing and a big event and we're drunk at 10 o 'clock in the morning Saturday game day the game is at 1 30 and I'm like and I and Tom goes what are you going to say today and I go I don't know and he goes can I just give you some advice I said what and he goes your promos are incredible he was just kind of promo he goes don't he goes every time you get fired up about something it rolls off your tongue and it sounds perfect so just think about florida state what it means to you and then talk to the people not at them talk to them in the in the in the arena in the stadium the athletic director everyone was sitting 10 feet from me the marching bands behind me i have 90 000 people i'm looking at the cameras on me the words they want to hear is god bless the troops And I start with, my name is Bert Kreischer.

1:15:12I watched everyone. I was lucky enough to spend six and a half years at this beautiful institution. I was baptized in that end zone in 1991 when there were wooden bleachers. When I saw that burning spear go into that seminal head, tears streamed down my cheeks. Those tears were garnet and gold. 90 ,000 people Alabama thinks they're going to come into our house And walk all over us Bobby Bowden built this house This is the house that goes to Norville I mean, it was The greatest moment of my life Tom Segura Who's dead inside Is crying next to me The athletic director Who is about to lose his mind Shout out to Mike Alford My shirt's off I'm whipping it around my head.

1:16:05Go, no! And they're like, do you want to watch this spear go in? I go, yeah! We walk out shirtless to the seminal head. Spear goes in. Everyone's crying. This is the greatest day of my life. And for some reason, Tom had the Lone Ranger mask shaved on his chest. He took his shirt up and his tits were on vacation. His tits were on vacation. That's amazing. That is amazing. I wish we weren't getting rushed, but apparently you are in hot demand. And I had some stuff for you, too, man. It's unfortunate. This is the only problem with TV. When can I get you guys on my cooking show? Anytime. Okay. I've had it.

1:16:46We've had a bunch of – we had Seth Rollins and Becky. Yeah, and you had Becky and Seth. Yeah. Rhonda. Oh. Yeah. You guys, this community drops gets views. Becky went on and like every DM I got, she was like, there's one guy you don't want to cross. She's like, who are you talking about? Everyone was like, who are you talking about? And then Ronda was like, just trashed Rogan. And I was like. Oh, I didn't hear that part. Yeah. I said, so what do you think of Rogan? And she goes, I mean, he's a fan. he's never done the sport never played it like so as a fan his opinion means nothing to me and i was like i was in my head i was like you know he calls me once a day like i'm gonna talk to him like this is this isn't going away but no it's and then we had cody on cody's i mean i've had cody on a bunch he's he's the he is uh it's funny i i feel like i didn't know him i feel like i got to know him before he was who he is today right so i know i really know him know him and we lived in a hotel for, and you know it's so funny, I've always mispronounced the word nightmare, and he always thought I was fucking with him and I've just mispronounced it my whole life I wonder why and then, you know There has to be a story No, no, I just, I mispronounced some words Like, you know He walked before Oh, that's right I always thought it was nightmare but it's nightmare It is nightmare I thought it was Nightmare Massage Massage I kind of like massage I mispronounce on purpose because the internet gets bothered by it Benefleck Benefleck and then if you pronounce his brother Casey Affleck people lose their heart why would you do that I've been doing tattoo for a long time tattoo Tattoo?

1:18:47Yeah. And then I do it in my act, and then I go, he had all the tattoos, and then everyone go, I thought you meant a tutu. No, like a tattoo. A tattoo. A tattoo. I was with you on tutu. Damn, that was a hard one. Yeah. We's got girls. Yeah. We went there. Oh, yeah, a tutu. Yeah. Oh, no, no, a tutu. A tattoo. A tutu. A tutu. It's fun to mispronounce words, and then watch people go, I'm so sorry, what did you say? Or not. And then they're just, they're slightly confused. It started with nightmare. Tom called me on it and he goes, it's nightmare. And I went, no, it's nightmare. And I thought it was spelled M-E-R-E.

1:19:24Yeah. Nightmare on Elm Street. Right. But it's not. Yeah, no. It's not. And then we're of that generation. You're not my age, are you? I think so. No. I turned 50 in September. No, you look so good. Right? Bless you. I got makeup for this. I have makeup too. I got rosacea on my cheeks. I have rosacea. No, you don't. I do. What are you doing to get rid of it? I'm Irish. What are you doing? I didn't do the ivermectin cream. I meant to ask you about it. Everyone's doing ivermectin. Does it work? That's what everyone says. Everyone says ivermectin cream. But I heard you say that your doctor told you that.

1:19:54Everyone's like, get on ivermectin. Yeah, but I haven't tried it yet. I do it. It sucks because the one thing, you start noticing what great skin everyone has when you have bad skin and I get these bumps and then they dry up and they turn into like welts. And then, and I'm not doing anything. Right now I'm not doing anything, but it just happens. Right. Have you tried the ivermectin? I haven't tried anything. I haven't gone to a dermatologist. I'm supposed to go to a dermatologist, but I haven't been home in a while. Why haven't you tried it? No, because I haven't been home. I'll go to a dermatologist when I get home.

1:20:30I don't think the dermatologist will prescribe ivermectin. I don't know, maybe. For real? Where do you get it? So there's all the theories, right? You've got to get it through Rogan. Yeah, I'm not sure, but they can't. I don't know if it's true or not. I'd rub it on my face. Yeah. I got a... If it works. I got a... It's very cheap, too. I got the red light therapy mask. Oh, does it work? Well, I don't know. They got the red light therapy beds that really work. But I'm told the red light therapy masks actually are not good for rosacea in particular. That would make a lot of sense. But the bed might be great.

1:21:01It makes it worse. I've been noticing somewhat of an outbreak after. Yeah. The masks are not so good from what I've heard. I got red light therapy for my hair. I got red light therapy for everything. They said it makes your vision go back. But I thought your eyes were out. No, no, no. You do a panel, and then you sit in front of it like this, and it goes through your eyes. Listen, I got a longevity doctor. I'm on testosterone. I'm on Manjaro. I have to ask you real quick. So, Manjaro, you said quickly you had a reaction. Oh, yeah. I did, too. I tried it, and for three days, it was both ends. It was horrifying.

1:21:39Oh, I was throwing up. I was throwing up aggressively. Yeah. You can't stop it. I threw up the other night. I threw up the other night. But so are you doing, what dosage are you doing? I'm micro dosing right now. But what does that mean? So I take in between 20 and 25 mLs in a syringe. Okay. I take it out of a thing and I inject it. So I think the normal is 2.5. 2.5 is the lowest dose. That's what I did the first time. That is so much more than I do. Yeah. And by the way, 0.2 was making me throw up. Really? By the way, when I drank on it, I'd throw up. If I ate anything rich, if I tried to lay down, I'd throw up.

1:22:13I threw up the other night. I woke up and I was like, I think I had a fart. And I was like, oh, we're doing way more than that. The fart made me throw up. That's a horrible part. I broke open hand sanitizers just to smell them. And was like, and then I threw up all night in bed. Oh, no. So then why are you still doing it? Because I lost like 40 pounds. And my doctor's like, listen. he's like I can tell you not to do it but you're gonna come back in January and be 300 pounds and he was like you're not I was like I've been fatter he goes by one pound you were 246 or 276 you're 275 he goes you're gaining weight back he goes I was carrying 90 pounds of fat in my visceral fat he's like you have a Romanian gymnast you're pregnant with a person that's a 90 pound you know what I'm talking about we're both pregnant with people and so he's and he's like you got to get rid of it and i started it and i just i noticed that on a microdose at first i was barely eating and drinking right and then i started noticing that i and then i got sick and then when i got sick i lost 10 pounds i was like oh i can get the flu for two weeks and then and then i just kind of i've now i've measured my my dosage in I've dialed it in.

1:23:33So I can eat and I'll eat, but I don't overeat or I'm cognizant not to overeat. And I have to say, especially with the not drinking, you don't have an impulse to drink when you're on it. Right. So I don't really like think about drinking. I definitely think about tapping out from reality, but not drinking per se. I'm like, I'm good. So you're having some gummies. I brought gummies tonight. I'm curious. I'll take one. I may take one. Don't fall. Don't fall. I may take one just to tap out because the dog passed away. And I go, you know what? let's just lighten up a little bit and enjoy the show ear to ear yeah yeah yeah this is i have to say this so like i i do i've done a lot of podcasts i do a lot of podcasts this is one of the most enjoyable podcasts i've ever done and i and i it's and i just to give it flowers you're you are very well researched but you're very engaged in that it is your podcast and i never at any point and I start trying to mow over people, I got to tell stories and it was, I felt like I got to know you guys as much as you met me, which is, does not happen in my podcast.

1:24:43Just fair warning. If we get to know you in my podcast, that's a bonus. If you hear stories about me in my podcast, that's what you get. You're doing it right. But I feel like I'm really gonna text the end and go, we're getting a Mastiff next. Yeah. Beowulf Mastiff. Beowulf. I'm literally, I'm so excited to go sit, wait for the show to start, and Google Baal of Masters and just look at any litters they have. I can connect you with the, yes, absolutely. I will. This was, and by the way, this is exactly what I needed after last night, so thank you. It's like therapy. I wasn't sure if you were going to even want to do it today.

1:25:18Oh, no, 100%. Thank you for doing this, but sending you all the love. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you very much. Totally. This is a dream come true. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.