Best Friends, Burglaries and Weddings

0:14Romesh Ranganathan:Welcome to the Wolf and Al Email Special. Can I do this like one of those awful this morning presenters? Hello friends. I hate those things. We are having one hell of a morning. Let's put it that way. I can't have a commercial. Just can't hold it. We can't, unfortunately, we can't, we can't really go to details of what happened, but... It's been a bit tricky to get ourselves in order for this.

0:51Romesh Ranganathan:Anyway, well, let's hope it continues to be as much fun as it has been during the break. But welcome to the email special of Wolf and Al. Yeah. Where we just get into whatever it is you want to send us. We're going to look. And obviously we're having a laugh. But some of these might be sensitive. So let's relax and let's get into the emails. But what we can say is that if it's getting sad for a little bit, you can be sure a laugh is not that far around the corner. Okay? Oh, you putted that one away. Big Bear, would you like to read this one? Yeah, sure, I will do. Absolutely. Hello, Rom and Tom, my two-faith podcasters and all-round good humans.

1:30Romesh Ranganathan:I recently got engaged to my partner in our favourite city abroad. It was perfect, low-key, intimate, and has come at the right time. Nice. We've been together for five years. I'm 30 and he's 31. Young. And we are absolutely ready for the next step. I was so happy for the rest of the holidays. We soaked up the newly engaged bliss. However, upon returning home, I feel like our bubble has burst. My family members were very excited, which is lovely, but they immediately jumped to conclusions about our wedding. Assuming he'll be my bridesmaid. Not sure I want them. Signing up to plan my hen do. I definitely don't want one.

2:06Romesh Ranganathan:It's not my thing at all. And how big the wedding will be? We're getting constant questions about what we're planning and what they want us to do. I've even had a close relative tell me we can't get married until she's had her baby. She's currently pregnant. Oh, good luck. Of course we want to accommodate loved ones and have some kind of celebration that works for everyone, but we're both huge introverts and want to keep it as chilled as possible without anyone else's input. How do we navigate this time without letting people down or dulling their excitement for us? I feel like such a killjoy and I have to shut down any conversations about a potential wedding before it gets too much.

2:34Romesh Ranganathan:I just want to enjoy my engagement for now. Is that too much to ask? Lots of love, the Terrified Tiger. Well, thank you so much, Tiger, for your email. Tom? Well, Terrified Tiger, I've probably kept this little bit of advice on the download for a while because I used it a lot in the early days of this podcast, but you need to just do you. I think the fact is, in wedding situations... Do you know what? I know you're doing it ironically, but it's so horrible. I know. I could see the distaste in your face. But I think when it comes to this sort of situation, you just need to... I think this day is about the two of you.

3:14I think it's about you making it a day that you want it to be, that you'll remember. I think as soon as you sort of feel like you're drowning in other people's plans and ideas, it will spiral into something you don't want it to be. So I think you have to lock that chat down pretty quickly and say, no, look, we're going to take our time. We're just going to enjoy our engagement. And that's the other thing. You've got so many different people, family, and no one's doing this maliciously. I think it's worth saying. Everyone kind of will want it for the best. But I think everyone assumes that people just want a big wedding.

3:45They assume they want to be the center of this massive facade, this massive... And actually, when I look back even at my wedding, it was like the happiest day of my life for a number of reasons. But if I was to ever do it again, it would be so much... Like me and Catherine would do our vow. We'd do it in a really small surroundings with a few people that you really, really want there. Because what you realize over the sands of time, a lot of the people that you're there, not for any reason, but friendships drift, times change, and you might sort of lose track of the people there. the people at your weddings for a lot of time are friends that might just be locked in that space of time that they're very close and actually over time you know this perspective it just being about you two is all that you really really need to be about so i think stick to your guns if if you're an introvert have an introvert's wedding just make it a small have the people that you want there and just make it sure it's the most special day for you and your rough enjoy it um and and you haven't got to rush it just enjoy it and being engaged is amazing enjoy that side of it me and Catherine went on some of our best holidays is just looking for where we might want to go and get married or just as an engaged couple I think everyone in in life we I think we're it's such a rush to chalk off moments and go all right we're going to get this thing done or that thing done actually taking your time being patient and just enjoying the the here now is one of the most important things you can do so congratulations to you both hope it goes well and if it is a big wedding i know two guys who would love to be there yeah me and john because i know oh yeah i know you feel john's now joined the sort of john is like a wedding crasher he

5:27Romesh Ranganathan:loves weddings yeah um i think uh two things i sort of agree i basically agree with tom i think One, your family and friends think that they are helping. I don't think it comes from a bad place. It's just they've got, you know, even I was like, oh, you don't want a hen do because it's such an assumed part of the wedding thing. And that's what your family are doing. They're assuming that you're going to want this and you're going to want that and bridesmaids and da-da-da-da-da. They're trying to help or they're doing it because they're excited. Like, think about the opposite where you came back and none of them gave a shit and weren't mentioning it at all, you'd probably be equally aggrieved.

6:08Romesh Ranganathan:So this is actually probably the better outcome is that they're showing enthusiasm and excitement for you getting married. That's actually really lovely. But as Tom said, it's not about them. You've got to have the wedding that you want to have. And I think a lot of the time in lots of big life things, we just assume the default setting is what we should be doing. and it sounds like you are thinking outside the box a little bit and you want to do things your way. And actually, the people that really care about you, whatever you decide you're going to have, they will accept that and be delighted for you because what they want to do is celebrate your marriage.

6:46Romesh Ranganathan:And so I think you either, you know, there's part of me that thinks ride it out for a little bit, they'll be excited for a while and it might die down a bit and you can just get down to planning yourself. Or if it gets too out of control, I think you just have to say, look, I'm going to be honest with you, all the talk about the wedding stresses me out a little bit we just want to enjoy our engagement for a while and then I will come to you if and when I need I'd love some help or some thoughts on how we're going to do the wedding and I think people generally will accept that as a useful thing and a helpful thing and they'll want to support you in that so good luck Terrified Tiger, hope it goes well and if it is a big wedding I know two guys that don't know you well enough to attend So take care.

7:31Romesh Ranganathan:Have fun. Congrats. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands for the super athletic stuff, like running gear for cruising up the trail. Woo! And the super athletic-ish stuff, like fishing gear for chilling by the creek. Nice cast. Fitness apparel to push for higher reps. You got this. And golf balls priced so you can afford to lose one. Or a few. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. Now at Lowe's. Faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved as a photo?

8:14Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on Lowe's.com. right from the Lowe's ProDesk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's. Hello, Wolf and Al. I need to start by being honest and letting you know I heard this question on another podcast. However, I wasn't interested in our answers, but I'm interested in what yours will be. If someone broke into your house while you were having a shit, would you wipe first before confronting them?

8:53Answer base on confronting them, not locking the door, hoping they'd leave you alone. Regards the goose. Okay, so you're mid-shit.

9:02Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. Somebody breaks in. So you've got to pinch one off. Basically. And we know that that is the worst situation in terms of post-clear up. Yeah, yeah. We've got to come back to it. Yeah. I mean, I can't think there's a world, someone breaking into your house that you're going to wipe your bum. You have to pinch off and you have to go into a fool. Arnie, sly mode. Yeah, I guess so. I actually also think there's some merit probably in, if you can, picking somewhere out of the toilet and throwing it at the person. I think you're playing fast and loose with the word merit. No, but you're a burglar.

9:40Is it anything more terrifying? I come running out of the toilet and I've got a big lump of poop, obviously wrapped in toilet paper in my hand, and go, get out, get out!

9:47Romesh Ranganathan:So you haven't got time to wipe your arse, but you have got time to gift wrap a turd. not gift wrap it I just get the toilet paper pick it up quickly I mean look it'd probably be a bit it'd be on my hands as well do you know what I mean because I'm I'm just thinking weapon wise if this guy's got a knife does poo beat knife? I don't know it's just like it's like you're fucking making a horrible version of rock, paper, scissors no but like if right you're a burglar I come running out and go get back get back I've just done this it's still warm I think I think it doesn't matter that you've just done it.

10:23Romesh Ranganathan:I think no matter the age, I'd not want to see it. I think probably, rather than it being a weapon... You'd also think that someone's insane. Well, that's the point I would make. I'd think that person's so crazy that I just need to leave immediately. I don't think there's a world where anyone would wipe. Okay, there is a possibility, though, that that burglar kills you or injures you and you end up having to go to hospital. And then on the way to hospital, you're thinking, not only have they got to do with my injury, I've also got a shitty arse. yeah that's true especially if it's been a post Paris poo for you coming out the back of Paris coming out the back of Ronnish on the back of Paris but so yeah so does that change your mind at all no I think if someone's there and you're defending your house yeah I think if you're wasting time wiping your bum if you're like oh so give me a bloody minute wiping my bum I'll be out there and show you what for you bloody wait until I'm clean yeah Then you blame me.

11:21Romesh Ranganathan:Then you've got a fight in your hands. I don't think that pulling the turd out of the toilet is that bad an idea. I think you'd pull up your trousers, obviously, and your pants. But then it's the thing of, like, in the heat of the moment, you throw a turd at a burglar, you miss, and then now your house has been burgling and you've got to clean your own shit off the walls. No, but you're getting them mid-burglary. I mean, if you can sneak up behind them and then just rub the shit in their face. What does that do? Well, I go, Oh, that's disgusting. There's more than that came from. I just got back from Paris.

11:56It feels like you might aggravate them. Yeah, but can I say, some burglars are just there to steal and they don't want any trouble. It's like bees. Yeah, they want to go in and out, don't they?

12:06Romesh Ranganathan:So any complications, for example, somebody with a turd in their hands, they're probably going to go, do you know what, the juice ain't worth the squeezer. The biggest attraction you've got to have is security lights that go on. Burglars hate those. if you've got a house without security lights think about it honestly winter's coming well obviously after summer quite a long summer I had well summer's issues burglars catnip yeah autumn's catching strays there for some reason but yes you're right yeah burglars love the summer so get some security lights in I think probably that's more of an option for somebody that lives in an affluent area like you I don't think everybody's gonna what security lights you get security lights for next to nothing I'm sure you can but the point is If you're close in with your neighbours, they might not want you to.

12:51I'm pretty close to my... I don't live in like you do with a moat around my house. My neighbours are pretty tight.

12:56Romesh Ranganathan:How dare you? How fucking dare you? You live in one of the most expensive places to buy property in the country. Yeah, but I don't live in... Nay, Europe. Right? I don't live in... I live in Crawley. Yeah, but you've got the biggest house by a long way in Crawley. Bullshit. A castle in Crawley. Bullshit. Okay. Is there a bigger house than yours in Crawley? Yes, definitely. I'm going to drive around Crawley and see. Good. Why don't you take Cat and Little G? No, I'm not taking them around Crawley. We live in a nice area. Okay, well, I hope that helps. I think the more crazy you could be to a burglar, the better.

13:31Yeah. That's a detraction. Yeah.

13:35Romesh Ranganathan:What would be really frightening is if you're walking out and you're going up to them while wiping your ass. You're still doing it on the roof. And you go, oh, give us a kiss. Yeah. Like that. Or you've taken some of your shit and just smeared it. like war paint onto your own face. Oh, God. Do you know what I mean? That is a good idea. I think the more insane... Just freak them out. I think that's how you survive in prison. Yeah. I think the first day you're in prison... Rule number one, smear yourself with your own feces. And then just run around the prison yard going, who wants to cuddle? I wouldn't do that if you've done a white collar crime.

14:06Romesh Ranganathan:If you've just done tax evasion, I think that's a mad thing to smear yourself with shit. No one's going to pick on a shit guy. You don't want to make any friends while you're there. No. But no one's going to touch you. No. If you run around the first day, you go, give us a cuddle and you're covered in shit. Yeah. Then everyone's going, oh, fucking hell, he's a weirdo. Yeah. If you do it a second day, I think there's probably a good chance you just get knifed up in your cell and left for dead. But anyway. Right, thank you so much. That was great, yeah. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands for the super athletic stuff, like running gear for cruising up the trail.

14:38Woo! And the super athletic-ish stuff, like fishing gear for chilling by the creek. Nice cast. Fitness apparel to push for higher reps? You got this! And golf balls priced so you can afford to lose one. Or a few. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. Now at Lowe's. Faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved as a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. and if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it.

15:17You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in store or on lowes.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.

15:33Romesh Ranganathan:Howdy. I absolutely love you both. Me and my best friend Felicity are massive fans. I have a dilemma. I'm 34 and Felicity is my best friend but she's 39 and she thinks people can't have best friends when they're old. Ooh, that's like the difference of us in age. And I get offended when she doesn't introduce me as a best friend, so I correct her all the time. In addition to this, something happened a few years ago which she always puts me down for. I was so excited one morning when I queued online to get front row tickets to Romesh. I was bragging so much. However, when I told her where it was, I said Brighton.

16:03Romesh Ranganathan:Turns out my geography skills aren't the best as I live in Shropshire, which is 240 miles away, four hours driving. I thought Brighton was near Chester. we ended up not going it was too much to travel fuck's sake sad times but to make up for it we did go see the wolf in Liverpool when we sat down Felicity blagged two front row seats from the lovely door lady winner but back to the question do you think you can have a best friend when you're over 30 and do you think she needs to start introducing me as her best friend please be on my side love the friendly ostrich best friendly ostrich oh Vromsky okay Tom Beautiful stallion.

16:43Look, it's a weird thing, isn't it, the best friend thing? It's a funny old game. The best friend thing. I think if someone is legitimately your best friend and that you've been through thick and thin together and it's completely just been the two of you ride and die, I think you could go, oh, this is my best friend. I think the trouble is, I think if you get into a place where you have more than one best friend, like Catherine has a friend I'll check that carefully here she has someone a friend who calls everyone her best everyone's her bestie so it's like it kind of loses its edge sure

17:21Romesh Ranganathan:but I don't think bestie means best friend anymore I mean I know I know it literally does I know it literally does this is my bestie it doesn't actually yeah but that's what it's about it's like you know legend bestie's gone the way of legend yeah it has but legend is actually there could be more than one legend I think if you have a best friend goat as well goat's been yeah goats gone crazy goats had his teeth kicked yeah do you know what I mean by OGS by the way also I know because it's the greatest of all time but goats are living out on that aren't they goats are one of the most boring stinky old animals there is right I think goats are great no they're not fainting goats are hilarious mountain goats are very impressive yeah but they're not the greatest animals they've not they're not even the top 150 animals there's so many I don't think you can name 150 animals I bet if we sit here I could easily well that's next week's episode to make sure you check it out like and subscribe so you don't miss i think that they're just like a sheep and a horse put together or sheep and a donkey put together to make a goat right yeah that's essentially what you're dealing with and i just don't think there's much to them and all of a sudden everyone's the goat emojis become like the most heralded thing do you know but not because of the animal yeah i know but the animal has probably got ideas of fucking grandeur because it's like oh yeah by the way have you have you heard what everyone's saying about lionel my friend named him a goat after moi it's like no it's because it means the greatest of all time tony and it's like no no no no there's a picture of the goat it's used wildly around i just want to get into this a little bit right obviously you know this isn't the case so why are we talking what why no because it's a hypothetical situation right the goats right if if what if tomorrow we wake up and dr doolittle's real right yeah and we can talk to animals and we're going oh fucking Well, even if Dr.

19:03Romesh Ranganathan:Doolittle was brilliant, I mean, him that can talk to the animals. Right, no, we all get that ability, right? Okay, fine, right. And then all of a sudden, it's like Narnia, right? Yeah. And you start chatting to animals and having a bit of a chinwag with animals. Is there a Mr. Tumnus? I'm not having him, by the way. I'm telling you now, Mr. Tumnus is straight away, he's getting a knock at the door. And it's like, hello, mate. Have you been texting young girls, have you? Have you had a little giving them sleeping juice, have you, mate? Eh? let's have a look at your phone I think like Mr. Tumnus is a bang on wrong one okay right and also what is it isn't he half a goat it's so I'm saying now goats as soon as they get a little bit of tea which they will everyone's sort of like raving about them yeah right you know the goat everyone's talking they hear that going oh bloody hell why is everyone talking about goats like they will start getting really fucking yeah arrogant okay I feel like we've gone slightly off the point um what do you think is our advice to our friend here.

20:04Romesh Ranganathan:So I'm just... The friendly ostrich. Yeah, my thing would be, I think if you're genuinely best friends, then it's fine to go, oh, this is my best friend. Disagree. Really? But if you're genuinely best friends... Yeah, I think... Yeah, but you don't have to fucking... Why do you have to announce that to everybody? I think it's a lovely thing. If you've got someone who's your best friend... It's not a workplace where everybody has to know the hierarchy. It's just, this is my friend. And you two know your best friend. I don't have a best friend now. I'd say I've got really good friends. I've barely got friends.

20:30You have got friends. You've got really good friends. You're very lucky. I see there's people out there who give their right bollocks to have friends like you've got. Are you talking about yourself now? No. The three friends you've just been away with. And then you've got a load of plethora of other friends. You've got people who really care about you. This feels like an intervention now. You have. Big Ben who's on here, right? Yeah. Okay. Jean, I'd say, is one of your friends. These are all workplace people. Yeah, but they're still friends, right? I would say that you're, you know, but have you got a best, I would say, I've got a best friend.

21:08I'm very lucky, I've got good friends, I've got great friends. But if you had someone who'd been there forever, you know, since you were six, like my girl, you had someone like that.

21:18Romesh Ranganathan:But I don't think you have to, I still, I agree with that. You can have a best friend. You've been through thick and thin. You've seen each other. You don't have to introduce, you can say this is my very good difference, which is beautiful, by the way. In what way? So one of them was in year five, the other one was in the first year at school. Fucking hell, worked that out quick, didn't you? You know, but I don't think you have to keep announcing it. I don't think you have to announce it. Why do you have to go, this is my best friend? If you're at a disco or if you're like a nightclub or whatever, oh, by the way, this is my best friend, Lizzie.

21:44Romesh Ranganathan:I think if you were introducing to like, say for example, you turned up. Yeah. To like, say I, there was a group of people that I knew. You would be close to being, you're very close, if I was to have a best friend, Yeah. you're very close yeah you're in the running for me so I would go I have probably said at some point oh yeah by the way Robish is my best friend you haven't said that after by the way have you no if someone said your name and I've gone oh you should probably know you didn't I hope beyond hope that isn't true but like say if there was a group of people and I was introducing you I would say and this is one of my very best friends Tom Davis but I'm not saying this is my best friend I'd bring eye out which is one of my best mates Romsky I don't know he's not normally like this he's just a bit over excited yeah in answer to your question yes you can be best friends when you're older yeah but I don't think you have to announce it to everybody and also it's quite nice that you've got that little little bit left back yeah keep a little bit of powder dry yeah thank you so much for sending your emails keep sending them in if you want to get in touch email wolfowlpod at gmail.com See you next time.