Could Tom Beat 100 8-Year-Olds?

0:16Romesh Ranganathan:Welcome to the Wolf and Owl. It's the email special to put in your head. If you've got a dilemma, come right over. We're your friends and we're going to help you out, Emma. Emma? yeah oh I see right okay Emma Emma eh eh help with your dilemma Emma Emma eh eh eh eh eh well for now a lovely young lady who went up to me the other day yeah in the street and said that we'd helped her out she was with some friends and she said I sent an email in and it was anonymous I just wanted to say that your Romesh gave me some lovely advice oh that's nice and I said which advice was it and she said I'd rather not say but she said just thank you oh that's very sweet okay shall I do the first one you do the first one dear Wolf I've generally got bogey worry now no you're fine thanks for showing me in such detail dear Wolf Al and sweet sweet coyote long time listener first time emailer such a big fan of the pod everyone must think I'm a lunatic laughing out loud while struggling through my midweek run never fails to get me through it though I know you get a lot of emails about weddings but I thought I would add to the list and hope that you can help me out with my current nuptials based predicament.

1:30Romesh Ranganathan:Sorry, let me say that again. Help me out with my current nuptials based predicament. There you go. I got engaged to my partner five years earlier this year during a once in a lifetime trip to New Zealand. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with her. That's nice. When we returned to the UK, we started planning the wedding. I had imagined it would be a small affair, but we were incredibly fortunate that my partner's parents offered to pay for it, having saved for years for their only daughter's wedding. As a result, the guest list has grown considerably.

2:00Romesh Ranganathan:In original planning, my partner and I wanted to keep it to our family and friends, those that we know will be part of our life going forward. Now that it has grown, my parents have become involved and they have given me a list of 18 friends they want invited to the wedding. My future in-laws covering the cost, I'm unsure what to do. They get on really well with my parents, but will find it difficult to push back on this. At the same time, it seems unreasonable to ask my in-laws to cover two tables worth of people me and my partner aren't that close with. I'll be paying for a few things like a band photographer and videographer, so I cannot afford to cover my parents' guests.

2:30Romesh Ranganathan:Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And of course, should I get this problem sorted, you would both be invited to the wedding. Yeah, it's a proper invite. Looks like it's only 16 of your parents' friends coming. I would love to see the Wolf and Al get some kilts on and try a few Kaylee dances. Likely, Ron will say no. Well guessed. But Tom, grab the coyotes, your plus one, and what a night it will be. Fucking hell, he's pushed me right out straight off the bat. I think John's got a lot of it because John's so eager for stuff. John's got a very... Yeah, he's such a thirsty little rat, isn't he?

2:59Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, but like me. John and thirsty guys. Yeah. Yeah. Thirst trappers. If it was him in the carton, it'd be Thirst E. Coyote. Look at you. Oh, baby. Much appreciated. The red squirrel. We were talking about squirrels on the last episode, weren't we? Yeah, okay. And all of your kin. For decades, a shadowy organisation called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around. Lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda.

3:43Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands for the super athletic stuff, Like running gear for cruising up the trail. Woo! And the super athlete-ish stuff. Like fishing gear for chilling by the creek. Nice cast. Fitness apparel to push for higher reps. You got this. And golf balls priced so you can afford to lose one. Or a few. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. All right, what do you think? I think he's got a hell of a problem here. I think this happens in a lot of weddings.

4:23I had a similar thing at my wedding with my parents insisting on a couple of people like their invites. Shame, shame, shame. So I think it's quite a hard thing to deal with here. I think it does look a bit of a liberty if you've gone. Bit of a fucking liberty, isn't it? Who are those two tables over there, Red Squirrel? oh they're just sort of some people that yeah that's Alan and Vanessa Alan used to work at the print works with my dad and Vanessa's if you've got I think yeah you don't want to fall into a trap of just having some also rounds that you're winning Jesus so I think yeah some fucking has-beens yeah I think you've got to sit down and chat to your parents because because by the sounds of things your in-laws sound like you know good people putting a lot of money towards a wedding and they will behind your back go oh god what was he thinking inviting all those people he didn't really know

5:22Romesh Ranganathan:that's so funny he did that that's the in-laws voice isn't it they're like bloody hell they're invited 18 people it doesn't feel like either of the couple who are Alan and Vanessa so you really I think it's a tough obviously they chose the steak yeah that's the other thing like people who get invited to weddings who don't think they're going are the greediest people greediest by the way if me and John do come and you don't Please don't put me on the table. John and Tom, let's get this cleared up. They're not coming to your wedding. Okay? I would say that's a proper invite. I'm shocked, by the way, at your decorum.

5:58My decorum? That's a proper invite. Tom. And you're like, oh, I doubt Ron will come. You're bloody damn right I won't. Why would I come to you? That's an actual invite.

6:09Romesh Ranganathan:Look, this is the problem with this situation. Yeah, go on. All right. I'm going on. like seriously don't fucking go on me the red squirrel yeah he is actually red squirrel look I'm very he's not Peter Bader of Bush by the way pardon he's not Peter Bader of Bush I didn't suggest he had that what's the point he's gone look I'd love you to be there yeah but red squirrel I'm very touched by the invite you seem like a really nice person a bloody good person yeah but I don't think it's a good idea for us to come to the wedding right give me 17 reasons why. Okay. Number one, we don't know him. Right, okay.

6:47Romesh Ranganathan:We don't know them at all. Number two, the in-laws are paying for the thing. They're not going to pay for the fucking cast of the Wolf and Al to turn up. Well, cast and crew. Yeah, and also, by the way, if you're hoping to save money from 18 people not turning up, don't invite Tom. If you think that's going to lower the bill. Can I say, by the way, John at a free bar. Oh, yeah. That gives me the chills. The old fill your boots coyote. I'll smash that, bud. Yeah, see? What if we returned the favour and you DJ'd? I don't think that would be good either. Why? Okay, why don't you do a tight 10? I'm not doing stand-up.

7:24Romesh Ranganathan:Why did I do that? What's going on with me today? I don't mind doing something else. What is going on with me today, man? Sorry, I'm going to spiral about that. Anyway, carry on. Leave that in, by the way. What the fuck was that? Me and John could do a karate expo. That's a good shot. Yeah, that could be quite fun. I'll tell you what I will do. I'll ask Martin Teesmith if he can DJ the wedding. Will you? Yeah. Would you come then? No. What can we get you to come to the Red School's wedding? Have you guys ever been to a wedding together? No, I'd love to. No, we have. We went to Rupert Magendi's wedding together.

7:56Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, but we weren't friends then, were we? We were friends. We were acquaintances. You were a bit snooty because you knew more people there than me. Mate, by the way, you were dressed beautifully. I didn't wear a suit to that wedding. I felt bad. You wore like, did you wear a big colourful shirt? Yeah. I dressed like fucking Shane Ritchie, like Alfie Moon. He looked good, though. Yeah, I don't know. No, but we weren't as good friends as we are now. No, no, no, no. We haven't gone to a wedding since this bromance has been. Yeah, that was at the... When the bromance was like a bud. Can I say, by the way, every wedding's going to be that little bit cooler.

8:29Me, you, John, and Martin Tooce. I mean, Martin's doing a lot of heavy lifting cool vibes. I would say, no disrespect to you, John. But I don't think we're lifting up the old cool question there. we turn up the four of us right that is all of a sudden his mind is going to be blown we shouldn't say we're coming by the way John should just do some digging find out where the wedding is right go back to him oh we might come we'll just see where is it and when is it and we turn up is he playing the piano while he's doing it

8:56Romesh Ranganathan:I think that could be fun it could be but it also could be horrendous we don't know anybody that's the best Wed Scrawl's literally just complaining about not people coming to the wedding can I just say The best weddings are the ones where you don't know anyone. Do you think you live up to expectation? Because I don't. Yeah. I don't. I think we both do. No. I think, right, they know what they're getting from me. They're going to be pleasantly surprised by this guy. Yeah. Right? You turn up. Yeah. They'll be pleasantly surprised. They'll go, oh, it'll be all grumpy. I don't want a drink. Let me tell you something about John.

9:26Romesh Ranganathan:You want him to wear a kilt. Not only will he do that, it will be very short. Shut up. Do you know what his nickname at uni was? Kilt belt. Shut up. If you're interested in seeing more of John the Magpie on OnlyFans. Anyhow. What should he do about this? I think he's got to sit down his parents and say, look, this feels... Unless you want to throw in a couple of bags. Me? No. Oh, right. His parents throw in a couple of grand. It's bad enough that you're trying to convince me to attend, let alone pay for these fucking 18 fucking preks. Your parents have got to pay for it if they want these people to come.

10:02Romesh Ranganathan:It's a piss take. the in-laws have saved up for years and years they're not saved up and their dream is that the other people's parents can invite whatever fucking people they've met by the way can I say who'll be hilarious who? the brothers of his wife new wife why'd you say that? I've just got a feeling they'll be fucking nutcases I just didn't think they were based on what? no I've just got a feeling sometimes I manifest this shit it's like in my DNA I just like oh yeah yeah okay yeah do me a few things yeah do me a favour before we do the next set of these just do a bit of reading about D &O

10:59Romesh Ranganathan:anyway good luck Thank you so much. We might come.

11:307 Up. Flip the Sip. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands for the super athletic stuff, like running gear for cruising up the trail. Woo! And the super athletic-ish stuff, like fishing gear for chilling by the creek. Nice cast. Fitness apparel to push for higher reps. You got this! And golf balls priced so you can afford to lose one. Or a few. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it.

12:05Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, Tom, do you want to do the next one? Dear Wolf and Al, just finished listening to your Tuesday episode and there was a lot of dog chat, but also not quite enough at the same time. I get to thinking about Tom being a golden retriever, but surely he's a great Dane. They're both the definition of gentle giants. Giants, giants, giants. Well, you're doing an echo. Yeah, I'm intrigued by Tom's thinking that Romesh would be a dash hound. I would go for a basset hound. They appear unimpressed by what's going on around them, but proper lovely with big hearts. Oh, that's so cute. That's very sweet.

12:40Just do this. No. You're doing all this wacky stuff on this new tour. I know, I don't know what's going on.

12:47Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, on the tour, if you want to see some dog stuff, come to the tour. Romesh does an impression of ten different dogs.

12:59just discovered the pod in the last few weeks and I've been loving it thank you Taz PS never wearing blue again when I walk the dog so this is what didn't we say that wearing some color codes to not yeah I would take a great great Danes an amazing compliment that I don't think I've got it in me to be a great I think you've got an air of grace and decorum to be a great day there's a scruffy

13:22Romesh Ranganathan:stench to a retriever great Danes look amazing yeah I always just think what's it like to have that in your house it's just like having a fucking dinosaur yeah just fucking horse gambling around your living room and their shits are massive i imagine they are yeah yeah so you are a great day then yeah by the way i've been having some mammoth shits okay great great here we go i've got some pictures i was gonna send you why have you taken pictures because they're so big and girthy so i'm like at some point i'm gonna be in a situation where poos could crop up and i can go. At some point you're going to be in a situation where poos crop up.

13:56What do you mean by that? Well you know like people are talking about having big dumps. And I've got like three pictures now. Right. Poos I've had recently. Locked and loaded. Yeah. I'll go. Yeah check that out. Does Catherine know you're taking pictures of your shirts? Yeah but then I said to her I said should I send one to Romesh? It was a joke and she went no I don't think he'd like that. I was like I don't know. He can find it quite funny. So it's weird. Catherine knows me more than you. I showed them to Grace. She's obsessed with it. Yeah. Well obviously she'd love to see that. Yeah. She's quite proud of her dad.

14:24The Basset Hound is a fair call for Romesh, I think. I don't know enough about dog breeds to really... I think a Basset Hound is quite a sultry sort of sweet dog. Once you've got a Basset Hound, like his affection, he's not going anywhere. I think a Basset Hound is there for the... They're the ones that are the sweets, right? Bassets.

14:47Romesh Ranganathan:Do you mean Bertie Basset, the licorice? Yeah. No, that's a man made out of licorice.

15:09I think the basset hound is the, you know, hush puppies. Yes. That's a basset hound, isn't it? Yeah, is it not the one?

15:17Romesh Ranganathan:That one. You're talking about Droopy? Yeah. Is Droopy a basset hound? What did Droopy say? He's a basset hound. Yeah, there we go. I don't think that went very well. That's a good one, actually, for you. I think that's better than a dash out. I used to love Droopy. Yeah, he had a vibe to him. It was so good. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's made me want to watch some Droopy. Yeah, that'd be a good tattoo for you. Droopy dog? Yeah. Tattoo? Yeah. Where would I have that? I don't know. Like, sort of lower back? Yeah. I would have it if I was a 19-year-old girl.

15:52Romesh Ranganathan:i think you're droopy would look cool yeah have you got any more tattoos by the way i haven't got i need to get some what's going on then because you're proper in yeah i know i've been away where's your what's the last one you had done the one on the leg that's a good one yeah it's a nice one is it making you want to wear shorts more yeah yeah you want to show it off yeah show off the goods yeah i wore quite a lot sleeveless tops when i was on holiday yeah but you did yeah kind of basketball tees because you've got one I noticed there's one that's sort of creeping out maybe it was when you're doing golf is there one like have you got a detailed one on one of your shoulders or on one of your arms yeah there yeah saw that yeah the creep out's nice yeah a little peer out yeah yeah so I think yeah a basset hound is a good one for you okay great a sweet basset hound hello Wolf and Al I need to check my tone I'm a relatively new listener having discovered you in the last couple of months, but I now listen every time I leave the house and regularly find myself laughing along while walking around.

16:47That's nice.

16:48Romesh Ranganathan:One episode that's given me particular thought is the debate around 100 men versus one gorilla, where Tom is adamant that the gorilla wins. I'm trying to find a relative comparison that might make Tom reconsider, and I think I've come up with one that puts it into first-person terms for him. Would Tom beat 100 eight-year-olds? From the comparisons I've been looking at, an average eight-year-old is roughly five to six times weaker than a fully-grown man in terms of absolute strength. That's obviously a rough estimate. really the kind of strength disparity we're talking about when comparing an average adult man with a gorilla.

17:16Romesh Ranganathan:But Tom would also have a massive size advantage over an eight-year-old. He'd be roughly twice their height. Twice the height of an eight-year-old? Yeah, I guess so. Probably, yeah. Whereas a gorilla isn't actually dramatically taller than a grown man when standing up right. So if anything, Tom potentially has a bigger physical advantage over each individual eight-year-old than a gorilla has over an individual man, doesn't it? Yeah, I would still vager that a hundred determined eight-year-olds eventually swarm and beat Tom. Which brings me to two questions. How is this not the question? Does framing the gorilla debate in first-person terms change Tom's opinion at all?

17:51Romesh Ranganathan:And if not, what would be Tom's strategy for tackling 108-year-olds? And how does he genuinely think... How many does he think he could genuinely take? Best regards to Garden Toad. That's a hell of an email. Can I just say for a start, I think Grace is in an age now, I don't know if your boys went through it, where the fucking dick punch whoa is oh from Grace yeah the heart she did it to me the other day we're in a supermarket just me and little G get me Coco Pops yeah was it not Coco Pops but it was literally she wanted something I was like no no and then I started chatting to a couple of people from a couple of other parents from her school I was like you're not getting those we're not getting them you know they're a treat and she was like I want those and I was like you know and then she just literally laughed and then came running up and fully uppercutting me in the balls uppercut mate and it was by the way hell of a punch I'm like Christ that's that's big let's not feel pride being sucker punched to the testicles right I doubled up I was in absolute agony how did she react to that well she felt bad she was empathetic and I don't think she had any idea how much it would hurt and the other parents looked there was this element of oh my god I'll know but also they couldn't help but laugh it is objectively funny yeah I've got tears in my eyes because there's no way you can stop that and also i've got to try and laugh but also looking at grace go and then i was like what are you doing like doing that and then she's just like i didn't know it hurt that much and i was like yeah it absolutely and so what my point is is if you've got one eight-year-old who does that just runs and fucking hits you in the dick yeah the rest of them are tearing your and they'll they probably will eight-year-olds know enough to now go for the dick don't they yeah so i think i think eight-year-olds could go gorillas as far as how sensitive is the gorillas testicles um i don't know it was a long time ago that i went on that holiday um

19:47what my point is i think although this is a brilliant a bit of thinking i think a gorilla is i think also the gorilla's strength is so hold on you think you'd let's get this straight i think eight-year-olds are absent you think you'd lose 108 year olds i'd say 25 38 year olds would

20:02Romesh Ranganathan:demolish me how many would you knock outs clean oh the first 10 first 10 eight-year-olds out cold no actually no probably fight you know you literally you've only got two arms your legs you can only use your arms really do you know what I mean you can't kick and hit the first time unless you're absolutely insane do you know what I mean so maybe it would just take that one kid to break through Luke Skywalker Death Star bang and then you're non-void and then they've got you you just need one 8 year old with a plan out of that 100 you're going to get how many 8 year olds do you think will have a plan I think at least 30 % they'll be like I mean because you've got to assume that some of them are going to be quite gifted aren't they yeah yeah I mean the assumption that people make is eight year olds and also you know there'll be collateral damage eight year olds eight year olds that they go you know Brewster Kevin you know Dwayne you're going to go first you're going to be the first guys I'm finding it difficult to believe that there's any eight year olds called that and then yeah and then you get the one just slightly hanging behind he sees them getting wiped out he comes running through bang yeah What are your stamina levels like?

21:08Not great that I can have 100. Because even if you're wading through them, you're going to start to get a bit tired. So there's no way I'm beating 108-year-olds. How many 8-year-olds do you think you could take without? I think two or three. How old's Charlie now?

21:22Romesh Ranganathan:12. Okay, yeah. So two-thirds of a Charlie. How many of those could I take out? I think I could take out two or three instantly. Yeah. You've got to be brutal. yeah I mean but that's the other thing gorillas like a gorilla one punch you could take out to kick one straight in the face and then you curb stomp another one can I say by the way there's gorilla being attacked by 100 men is all bets are off everything goes a grown man being attacked by 108 year olds there's an element no one's coming out of that no I don't think people are taking bets yeah and also it's like hey yeah uh yeah I'll have a pint please just get the fuck out of 108-year-olds out there.

22:05Yeah, whereas a gorilla walks in a bar afterwards. I've just killed 100 men. No, you're right.

22:08Romesh Ranganathan:It's more likely that the gorilla walks into the bar. What is this analogy you're using? No, what I'm just saying is there's a certain dignity to the gorilla. Right, the gorilla's, that's an achievement. Yeah, because the gorilla's been attacked by 100 men, probably in... Yeah, but you're being attacked by 108-year-olds. Yeah, but 108-year-olds, like, that feels... Let's give you a scenario where you feel like, okay, about beating them up, okay? They've been given some sort of, it's like, what's it called? World War Z or whatever. Okay, they're zombies. They're zombies, right? They've been given some sort of serum or something, and it's made them all fucking mad, and they're trying to kill you, right?