Horny dreams, zombie apocalypses and school parties

0:00Yo! Welcome to the Wolf and Ow! Welcome to the Wolf and Ow! We up in this bitch! Yo! Yo! We're running about in a sprinter.

0:13God, that was awful. Hey, listen, like, subscribe. We're on YouTube now. The Wolf and Ow! The podcast. The podcast. Podcast. Podcast. Podcast. Podcast. Could you listen and get around this, mate?

0:44how are you very well very well good good to see you it's you know what um i still don't like this haircut yeah the haircut is the haircut's so it's a mute point now mute point right Is it moot or mood? It depends what you're trying to say. It's like irrelevant because this isn't you now. You're an actor living through this character. Not now I'm not. Now I'm doing the fucking Wolf and Our podcast because of a contractual obligation. Yeah, but...

1:16It's a horrible thing to call a friendship. No, but I think once a play's done, I think I speak for everyone. Once this play's done, I can't wait to see the new Romesh. I was contemplating shaving everything off. Anyway, we've talked about this. Yeah, yeah.

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2:31I'm good. You've got nothing, have you? I've got stuff. Don't worry about me. I've always got stuff in the vault. I've always got stuff. Okay. When you say vault, that starts to make me nervous. I don't need to pull some story at your ass from whenever. Mate, it's a very recent story. Okay, go on. Sleepgate. So as you know, I've had some trouble sleeping recently. Me too. And I picked up some melatonin. Congrats. Have you had melatonin before? Yeah. Have I had melatonin? Just a bit. I love that you're doing a look down the camera now. Anyway, go on. So melatonin. Yeah. So I've been having this melatonin.

3:06I think I've been speaking like the weirdest dreams. Like what? Well, I had a dream the other night that I was a chambermaid in like an awardian house. But like I had all my features, like my sort of beard and stuff. but my body was that of a sort of like probably 28 year old woman in the old audience. It sounds like a hell of a dream. So you got that face. Yeah. Body of a 20 hour. I can't even say. 28 year old woman. I'm just thinking about you. Quite a buxom woman. Right. I would imagine if you're a woman, you'd be buxom. Yeah. Makes sense. And a lot of junk in the trunk, I'd imagine as well.

3:44And then my master took a bit of a liking to me. so I'm having this dream and

4:08oh god that might be the funniest thing you've ever said thank you fucking hell okay so your master so at first it's sort of like um who was your master uh he's like i didn't actually get his name okay i can't remember it in a dream what does he look like he's handsome a bit like lord lucan um it's sort of like like lord lucan sort of like probably his second cousin he's got quite as handsome as lord lucan um but anyhow i'd uh i'm so sorry i was going about my chores yeah um and my duties i bet you're bent over a lot weren't you well this is yeah like i wasn't the master that's not the punchline no no no no of course no um so i was obviously you know bringing out food and bits for the for the family yeah uh and was it quite vivid yeah yeah yeah yeah they had like three kids yeah wife um you know his wife and then the master my master and I was like cleaning out cleaning the room down the dining room yeah one night and then he sort of comes behind me and kisses me on the nape of my neck and sort of start sort of whispering sweet nothings into my ear right do you remember any of the sweet nothings well it's like it's like I can't control myself around you

5:34and also I'm a big sort of although I'm I'm a mate. Yeah. I'm a bit grotty. I've got sort of like. Yeah. You've got mate levels of hygiene. And then he's been a bit sort of hands around. You know, gropey. Gropey. Yeah. Gropey. So in the dream, could you feel the hands on your boobs? Yeah. Yeah. What do you think is happening in reality? Do you think you're feeling your own boobs? No, no, no. I don't think so. I'm quite a sort of, you know, I sleep on my side. Okay, fine. I don't know what that's got to do with anything. Anyway, I quite like him as well. Obviously, he's powerful. He's a rich, powerful man.

6:06so then we started having quite a sort of like one right you know sort of you better say rumpy bumpy yeah i was and i sort of remember that so then we started having an affair how graphic was the sex uh i mean not graphic graphic it was sort of you know like sort of soft core right soft core sort of level you know a lot of kissing a lot of sort of suggestive stuff and then um and then i but then his wife found out right and then what happened well i was thrown out onto the street as a slut and a whore. I don't understand how this is really like you've got a full narrative arc in this dream. Mate, the dreams I'm having, this is just one of many but this is one that this is my favourite one.

6:46Yeah. I can't imagine there's one better than this one. Well at the moment, no. It's like being involved in a movie. It's actually probably one of the best parts I've ever had. Then I, yeah, I'm thrown out and it's sort of to be fair, you know when like a dream ends and you've still got that heartbreak in you. Not because I've just left, you know. I had that where I woke up once and I thought I was going out with Brandy from Moesha. Oh, wow. I mean, Brandy the singer, but she was in Moesha. It was Moesha that I was going out with. And then I woke up, I was really gutted. Were you with Lisa at this time?

7:15I don't want to talk about it. Well, I felt the same about, yeah. Yeah. The Earl that I was with. Yeah. Sort of, I woke up and it's such a weird thing, that feeling of sort of like, because I felt ashamed and sort of dirty and disgusting. I get it. I was sort of like, yeah. Because you're doing something wrong, but that made you feel a bit better, I imagine. Yeah, but also, when we were together, it felt right. Oh, absolutely. It so often does. But then I just remember the last bit of the dream, where I'm just walking around the street, the old streets of London. So it carried on? Because to me, the story's over now.

7:47You've been thrown out. No, no, no. The last bit is I get thrown out. And then the last thing I remember. But the dreams can go on without you remembering details. I'm remembering, yeah, this dream probably lasted a good amount of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last bit I remember is I'm just sobbing, walking around, sort of a bit like you're Charlie, a bit like Nancy and Oliver. Actually, it was quite a Nancy-like sort of woman. Who will buy my sweet red roses two blooms for a tenner? Oh, it's a penny. It's Dickensian. Two blooms for a fucking tenner. You'd be fucked off about that now. Who will buy my sweet red roses?

8:31Is that a little girl who sings it? Milk! Yeah. How's it going? Five, five, five, strawberries, five. Something that is there? That's actually one of the best. You remember it quite well. Yeah. I love that musical. Knives! There's a nice one. How does the knives one go? I don't know. Who will buy my nice sharp knives? Two blades for her. Four thousand pounds.

8:56I keep thinking about it. Did it make you horny? There was a level of horny to me. But then it's not a level of horny that you could easily kind of... You've created an itch that's not easily scratched. I want to tell you, yeah, of course. Because you need the body of a 28-year-old woman. Yeah. And not in the way that... And also, if I was a 28, I'd never be a 28. It's unlikely. I'd be a 47-year-old woman. Yeah. and but i every now and again i'll just drift away and think of his hands on me and him kissing me it's such a weird feeling did it feel good like to be taken up to be taken up in someone's arms yeah because in the dream he was so strong and yeah and i believed the things he said yeah what did he say oh just like you're such a special girl you're such a special girl and did you do you remember if you talked in the dream about I talk like I talk now in the dream oh god

9:54I'm completely flummoxed and betwixt by all this but yeah you can give it to me well as we go down to the scholarly and I'll give you a little bit more detail well detail should be excellent obviously you want to know the logistics of shush now how you blanche blanche shush where would you like I mean do you want backhand a four-rounder. Hush, Big Blanche. What are we talking here? I could use this rolling pin as a peg. No, master doesn't need to hear your voice. I find it quite arousing. Yeah. I'm finding it quite arousing hearing about the story. It's quite, yeah. Are there any other ones that spring to mind?

10:34No, that's the one that really, really sort of, yeah. That's the one that I really... Did you tell Catherine? No. No. I don't think you should have said it on this podcast, really. Yeah, but she doesn't listen to the podcast. Why did you not tell her? I think I woke up in the morning and it felt, to be fair, I sometimes go on about my dreams. I like a discussion about dreams. And I just think, yeah, it's a bit, yeah. Maybe as well I felt a little bit like naughty. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. Or unusual, I'd say. Yeah, but I think that's a melatonin, rather. What are dreams? Are dreams your fantasies?

11:09I don't think dreams are your fantasies because I had one where I was staving a zombie's head in with a spade yeah but that is a fantasy it's not a fantasy I left a Nicorette patch on overnight can I ask how do you think you'd fare in a zombie apocalypse I would kill myself as soon as I saw them out the window I am somebody that I just my opinion is I'm clinging on to life pretty lightly I think zombies by the way the most overrated threat in the world. Then, not only are they not overrated, they're not rated. No. There's no such fucking thing. If all the things that people worry about, I'm not worried about zombies.

11:49Are you under the impression that's a mic drop moment? No, I just think that. That you don't worry on a day-to-day basis about zombies? No. I literally think you've got more to worry about becoming a 20-year-old woman and getting fucked by your master than you have about zombies. I'm just saying that there's a lot of pressure put on zombies. There isn't. when people watch zombie stuff. It's part of the thing with politics shows as well, I think, or stuff like this, where people, you know, like, people present arguments as fact. There's not a lot of pressure on zombies. Mate, I'm just saying that there's a lot of programs where people go, fucking hell, mate, if there's a zombie apocalypse, what would you do?

12:20Are you talking about 28 Days Later? I'm talking about, in general, although 28 Days Later I've got a bit of a sticky point with. Why? I auditioned for it. Didn't get it. As what? The Hantella Johnson part. Big part, baby. Yeah. I'm not going to say what I think about the eventual casting. My Geordie accent was so bad. Try it now. We better get running from these zombies, Lake.

12:48We better get running from these zombies before it's too late. That's not you trying your hardest. No, it's not. Okay, go on. Try your hardest. Okay. We better get... No, you're... Stop. stop what i'm by the way here's my first if i i can't do a geordie accent yeah stop starting with we here all right we right we biscuit running from these zombies lake

13:22i have to worry because it's every time i do these accents it slips into a place that could be quiet in what what do you mean well i i worry that it's it's insulting right yeah i could be insulting many different people if they heard me do that without any i think you know rightly or wrongly you attempting a geordie accent is fine that's more scottish isn't it yeah right right we best get running from these zombies lake

13:53yeah i yeah i sort of at the end i can't the worst is i can't i can't sort of figure out what you're trying can i just say that the the i would have actually respected the person the casting and directed more, if they'd actually finished the thing and gone, okay,

14:11it was such a fucking, yeah, it was not my finest moment. It was a killer. It's a fucking hard accent to do, the Geordie accent. Yeah. Can you do it? A little bit late. A little bit late. Oh my gosh. It's my favorite accent as well. I love the Geordies. You're really good at accents. I'm not. I was having a discussion with your brother the other day. Yeah. Your brother, yeah. No, but there's certain accents. I think to be really good accents, you have to be able to have a good attempt at every accent. Yeah, but could I? There are some that are just, I'll never get. Yeah, but a lot of times we do a character of them.

14:47When you hear people doing really, like Idris doing String a Bell was incredible. It felt so just normal. Yeah, yeah. And rhythmic. Yeah, so that was a great one. I can't really do American either. You can. I've heard you do American. No, but not like, I couldn't be in a film as an American. Mate, I think, you know what, if you had enough practice, you'd be amazing. I reckon. I think you'd be amazing in American. Like a sort of like, you could be like the cheeky teacher. Yeah. That's sort of like, yeah, some of the girls are being naughty. Yeah. Girls, girls, you stop that now. Oh, my God. For whatever you say, here comes Mr.

15:23Reagan. Why would I be called that? No, because the guy who's written the part has written it for you. Okay, fine. So you're one of the girls. I'm one of the girls. Elsie Mae. Okay. Now, Elsie Mae, you know that I don't like that. Oh, you best get those wandering heads away from me, Mr. Whoa. Mr. Reagan, Mae. Elsie Mae. You know I didn't touch you. Elsie Mae says what she believes.

15:55I don't understand. You pitched the part to me as a cheeky teacher and I'm a fucking nuns.

16:03And the writer's called you by your day. So, Ramesh, I've got this power for you. It's written with your name. Okay. And he's a pedophile. He's a teacher. He's a maths teacher who's ahead of year who's a pedophile. Okay. Well, that was my exact job at school, except for the pedophile bit. Oh, just to be clear, being a pedophile. I wasn't head of year the whole time. Being a pedophile is in a job. It's a life choice. No, I know that. I know that. I don't think it's a choice.

16:39It's like growing a moustache. Yeah. This year, I'm going to grow a moustache and be a pedophile. That's my two resolutions. Life's lack. How can I help? The IRS said I filed my return. But I haven't. One in four tax-paying Americans has paid the price of identity fraud. What do I do? My refund, though. I'm freaking out. Don't worry. I can fix this. LifeLock fixes identity theft guaranteed and gets your money back with up to$3 million in coverage. I'm so relieved. No problem. I'll be with you every step of the way. One in four was a fraud-paying American. Not anymore. Save up to 40 % your first year.

17:17Visit LifeLock.com slash podcast. Terms apply. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast? Smart move. Being financially savvy? Smart move. Another smart move? Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. What have you been up to, my dear friend?

17:56I went clubbing recently. What? Where? Friction. Do you know Friction? Yes, I don't know who he is. I don't know the guy, but he's a cool guy. He's a good mate of mine. Yeah. Very cool guy. Very cool guy, yeah. He's got a cool vibe to him. He has got a cool vibe. Arsenal fan. Of course.

18:16You're select now. The people close to you have become very Arsenal-fied. No, that's not true. I mean, that is true. I mean, I would say I've got a higher proportion of friends that support Arsenal than anyone else. That is true. There's a lot of Arsenal fans now, in general, I think. Yeah, they're all coming out of the woodwork, aren't they? Yeah, there's a lot. And then they'll disappear back when we bottle it. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I was doing the play. Yep. And then Friction said to me, I'm playing at Outernet. Right. Do you know Outernet, that new venue? No, no, no. It's amazing. Right, okay.

18:46It's an amazing venue. Anyway, so I'm playing it out on that from 12.30 till 2.30. Wow. Two hours of sweet, sweet dancing. Now I'm due up at 7am for the radio show. Oh my gosh. So this is on the Friday night. Right. Not drinking, obviously. Staying in London. Staying in London. So it's not like I've got to trek it all the way back and come back in. Yeah. Go to out on that. On your jacks? What do you mean? On your own. Oh, no, no. Sheridan came with me. Oh, nice. We go along there. Meet Friction. Meet his Mrs. Mrs. Friction. Yeah. Is that her name? Yeah. She goes by Mrs. Friction. Really? Of course not.

19:24Okay. I was going to say. Fucking hell. No, for a guy. It's not The Incredibles. No, just saying. For a guy, Friction feels like a cool name. But if her name was Mrs. Friction, it just. It isn't though. I know, but yeah. I feel like we're insulting her. No, I'm not insulting her because I love Friction. Yeah. You said Mrs. Friction. Yeah. I was just doing a bit. Okay. Yeah, cool. No, I take things literally sometimes. Yeah, no, I know you do. so we go there i'm i thought i'm gonna stay for an hour anyway end up staying till 2 30 in the morning wow 2 33 o 'clock maybe i get back to the hotel at three yeah and then i'm so panicked by the oh this is the thing this is not the point of the story the point of the story is this but this is not a funny story i'm just telling you i danced the whole time bro wow so the whole time yeah two hours i didn't think i had it in my locker like proper dance dancing no sweating sweating I respect that yeah I don't think you can call it dancing I wasn't like going like that what is the dancing that sort of people are doing there's a lot of gun there's a lot of gun no what the rope come over here is that what you just did yeah no okay what sort of show me just roughly I think there's a lot of gun fingers oh you were doing that yeah with that when it had to leave we're in we're in No, I like it.

20:45Yeah. That one as well. A little bit of that, yeah. Yeah. And then there's a bit of that. Anyone jump on your back? No. Okay. Somebody kept telling me I looked a lot like Ramesh. Can I say a bugbear of mine? Go on. Ramesh. Yeah, a lot of people think it's Ramesh. I fucking hate it. A lot of people think it's Ramesh. Do you know what I really like, mate? Your pal, Ramesh. Ramesh. Ramesh. Okay, you've not done that once. No, I do say it's Ramesh. Do you really correct them? Yes. Because how much could you like someone if you put an A in their name? No, that's fair enough. Ramesh. Yeah. Yeah. Anyhow.

21:21Ramesh would be better than Ramesh. I was just very pleased that I... I'm fucking impressed with that. Get back to the hotel. I know what's happening here. What? What'll happen. I know that I've got to go up at seven. It's the worst. What do you think happens? Well, because then you're in freak out mode. Yeah. Correct. You worry about going into a sleep that's too deep. You won't wake up and hear your alarm. All correct. Then footage will come out of you leaving a nightclub. Yeah. Still dancing probably. Correct. As you get into the back of an Uber. Yeah, correct. Oh, I walked actually. Did you?

21:45Yeah. I respect that. Walking. Something like that. Oh, man. Panicking about going to sleep. I end up getting about an hour and a half. And Saturdays are a long day for you. Bro, radio show, play, play. Yeah. Long ting. Yeah. You know? Long. So you're dealing with a 14, 16 hour day there? Long ting. 16 hour day. Yeah. Oh, mate. And then do you, can you sleep between the two plates? Yeah. Did you? No. Oh, mate. But I was so tired, somebody texted in to the radio show and they said, I told an embarrassing story, I said, they're shamed from London. That's how they signed it off, from ashamed in London.

22:33Right. And I was so tired, I read it as Ashamed. Okay. so I've gone and that's from Asher Med in London producer Katie starts cracking up yeah obviously then I start laughing and then all these texts start coming in anyway they've clipped it now oh wow this is pure result of my lack of sleep self inflicted wow yeah who reads that saying it's Asher Med well I probably would anyway that sort of made me tired thinking about it Saturday night though I slept the sleep of a thousand sleeps have you caught up now no I feel sorry for Lisa and the kids. So you just got in and slept. What time did you sleep till on the Sunday?

23:14I got up at nine because I took Charlie to Oliver. Oh, nice. That an A for Charlie boy? Yeah. Went up there. Okay, this is another thing I want to talk about. I'm getting fucking mugged off, by the way. What about Charlie? We go to Oliver. Yeah. Now, he's only been doing it a little bit, but it's the first time I'm taking him on my own with him, right? You know what I mean? Yeah. he wants a Greggs I'll get him a Greggs I love this kid we go to get to London Bridge and we've got a change to get a Charing Cross right he says can I get a snack from Mark's not for now but for later on in the day to put in his bag we go to Mark's and Spencer's Mark's and Spencer's shut they're moving to London Bridge so he says but there's a Gales next door I end up buying him a Gales right this kid okay then we get to Charing Cross yeah we're early yeah so I said let's have a hang out for a bit we go to Lego World yeah Everyone in there.