Kitchen Nightmares, Holidays And Comedy Careers

0:00Okay, we're ready. What have we got here? What's that? That's for the email special. Okay, okay. All right, sweet. Hope, hope, hope you're fine. Hope, hope, hope you're fine. Hope, hope, hope you're fine.

0:19Yo. Yo, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. Just kidding. Every word in this song is about two grown men. dressed up as a bird and a dog. Welcome to the Wolf and Owl Podcast. Once again, once again. I've been your drill. I feel like my posture's a bit... Your posture's been really good recently. Do you think so? Yeah, yeah. Are you sitting... Yeah, you've got to sit through your... I'm trying to sit, yeah. Through your hips. Yeah, I sit through my coccyx. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coccyx? You used to be a grade-A slumper. I did, actually.

0:55Yeah, no, no, yeah. I used to see you sitting, and you were always like... No, you're like... hello I'm Romish Rangan Ethan do you know what I think is a sign of true friendship what is knowing that and never correcting a friend and then after they've made steps themselves to ridicule what they've done all these years what a supportive guy you are no I'm saying yeah I'm supporting you now like your lower back I've gone I'm trying to change sitting good job you did because ever since I've known you you've sat like a **** no I didn't say you used to look so content I'm basically summarising boiling it down you used to sit like that and you used to look the happiest I'd see you you're like that yeah and you take little photos when I didn't know and post them on Instagram I got a really good one of you when we did that that read through I remember the photo it's horrible can you just delete it no it's more when I look you've come so far and when I look at that picture I'm like that's who he used to be and I loved him even more that's when the King Gary bullying started that was even on King Gary by the way it was King Gary it wasn't the best picture I ever got of you was on the Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer show you sat like that Your legs couldn't be really mansplaining.

2:00Oh, yeah, and then you pixelated. Isn't that the one where you pixelated so you looked like my dick was out? Yeah, yeah. Fond memories. Fond memories. TV's changed. There's less bullying now. Oh, it's still there if you look around enough. Yeah, if you look hard enough. But that's pranking. That's just having a gentle job. I went like that to you, and you laughed. You went, you bloody nutter. No, I don't think I did. I think I laughed in the moment, because often victims will laugh. to try and just move it on. And then later on, I said to Lisa, it's horrible. And Lisa went, what is it? And you went, oh, he took a picture and pretended to have me willy out.

2:37And she was like, probably did have your willy out if I know you. Anyway, nice to see you again. I love the idea what Lisa said. Probably bloody did have your willy out if I know you, Romsky. Can I ask you a question? Quite a personal question. Do you and Catherine have a nickname for sex? Not really. Do you ever suggest it? Well, like doing it or something. Yeah, I guess. Is that what you call it? No, no, no, no, no. I think we just call it sex, yeah. We don't make a plan. It just happens. I don't think it's sort of something that we go... We're very much in planning stages. So you'd be like, Hey, Leisha, do you want to do a little bit of ziggas-ziggah later?

3:20Hmm. That's exactly... That's what we call it. Or you text it? No. Occasionally I have texts, yeah. What, like you're booking an appointment? Not like you're booking an appointment, but... Like, but... I sort of regret bringing this up now, to be honest with you. But what would you be like? Hey, hey, Fazbaz. It's your sexual soldier here. Would you like to make some Ziggazaga later? What, is your infatuation with Ziggazaga? I don't know. I was listening to a bit of Spice Girls. Yeah. No, I was just wondering if I was interested. Are you making those appointments? So you and Catherine, all of your sex is spontaneous?

4:03No, I don't text her going, if I'm going to, I don't know if I've ever texted her and gone, do you fancy having sex later? Or calling her and going, I've just looked actually. They've cancelled Coronation Street this evening. Sex, maybe? I don't think that's a sort of... I mean, you're taking the piss, it's not that far from the sort of thing I do. Really? I won't say Coronation Street's cancelled. Well, it never cancelled. Because there's other stuff to watch. Yeah. But I might go... I might go... Oh, we've not... We've not... We've not done it recently. Done it for a while, have we? Then do you do like that emoji with the wink and the tongue out?

4:43I do aubergine and then... That one. And then that one. Those three. Then she knows it's on. Like Donkey Kong. The salute. Yeah. Late night bites with friends, already hard to beat. That first too hot bite of fries you couldn't wait for, followed by ice cold Pepsi. Now that hits different. Suddenly, the energy kicks back in. The night goes longer. And the laughs don't stop. Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work?

5:29It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Tom let's can we I hope you don't mind I'd like to open you up if I might you because you have had yeah a barbaric and I think it's well I don't think I can take the crux of no but you as a family have had a challenging week yes so can you talk us through it please so uh Sunday night uh have my parents over um sounds horrible I brought some uh I brought some new Japanese knives just for cutting stuff.

6:24Genuinely, for cutting stuff? Yeah, just for cutting stuff. Okay, cool. So, can I just ask some detail because I am in the knife market actually for shanking stuff. Mate, can I say? Well, look, hear the story out because all that glistens is not gold. You bought gold knives? No, not gold knives. I'm that guy. But these are beautiful knives. They're very sharp. Yeah. How did you source them? On the internet, did a little bit of Googling, a little bit of looking. Expensive? No, no, no, not too chumpy. I didn't go crazy. Didn't go too mad, but beautiful knives. Did you get a sharpener with them? Yep.

7:05Yeah, great sharpener. Do the thing on it. Really excited because the bread knife was the thing I was kind of most excited about. How come? Because that's your everyday knife. How's it going to work? is it going to be up to getting through a really, really big bit of sourdough? So I brought a big bit of sourdough and said, let's test you. Got the sourdough. So you're sort of letting the tail wag the dog there a bit. Yeah, yeah. You're buying bread for the knife now. Yes. Well, yeah, just to say, because there's no point testing it on an old soft bit of tiger bread. No, sure. You might as well get something.

7:37Actually, to be fair, that's not what I'm being dismissive of tiger bread. Because actually tiger bread, because of its soft nature, you do need an extra sharp knife. Yeah, because it squashes down, doesn't it? Yeah. So that was me being. You want something that is getting into it before it's... Any Bred Smith, a.k.a. Paul Hollywood, listening to this would be... Hey, you bloody bugger. You've not thought that through, have you, lad? By the way, Paul, this is from all of us here at the podcast. Hope you squash the beef with Nigella. Yes. That's a great show. Very concerning stories coming from the Bake Off camp.

8:07Have you been chatting to some of your insiders? Yes. Some of your friends? I'd love to. Do you see those? You know those podcasts where, like, all they do is gossip. They just do sex stories. This is so funny. So what I've heard is all is not that rosy over in the tent. And then what I love to top that off is the experts. Yeah. Well, the thing is, with something like the Bake Off, what you're really, really going to need is top a talent, then you really need the judges to get on. There needs to be synergy. Now, what I'm hearing is all is not well at the Bake Off. What they've done, what they've done actually, is obviously you've got Paul Hollywood who's iconic and synonymous with the show.

8:46Yep. They've lost Prue, and they're thinking, let's get someone in that's on a star level, because Paul is a powerful character. He's a strong character. Richard, I'm going to ask you now. Yeah. Do you think that Vagov can go on without Paul Hollywood? Do they have to throw their chips in with Nigella and look for a new dawn? Look, it's a strong format, and it's sold internationally. Can it cope without Paul Hollywood? Well, look, you've got me over a barrel here. You have got me over a bloody barrel. Look, I'm going to give you... Give me four different answers and we'll put your best one in.

9:23This is my hot take. Okay, we need this. It's a hot take. The question isn't, can Bake Off survive without Paul Hollywood? The question is... Can Paul Hollywood survive without the Bake Off? No, he's got no other revenue stream. He's an awful businessman. Who wants to hear Doe, the podcast? Hey, guys, how are you doing? You know, right? It's me with a big lump of dough. What are we going to turn it into this week? Soda bread! Fuck off! I'm not making soda bread. It's a different dough. It's a tiger loaf. Today in the studio with me, I've got a bread maniac, Miss Kerry Katona. Kerry, you're a great big fan of bread.

10:05I'm not doing it. No, I can't. No. Kerry, you're a great big fan of bread.

10:14Anyway, sorry. Anyhow, I digress. So look, the bread knife is a wonder. I cut multiple slices, whole loaf is gone. Beautiful, big slice, perfect slices. Comments are made. The knife's sharp. It's a beautiful knife. You don't want sharp bread. No. If you actually squeeze a little bit of lemon onto a bit of bread with a bit of olive oil, beautiful. If you get a nice salty bit of bread. Okay. Yeah, a little bit of rosemary salt. yeah um anyhow uh i digress again um so my parents leave they go home we've done gracious bedtime i'm sat in front of the tv we've tidied up everything apart from the bread knife the knife two glasses katherine i'm gonna put it again what have you got left bread knife knife two glasses okay what's the other knife no it's a bread knife oh yeah no it's a bread knife bed board and two glasses um where's it but you said you said bread knife knife and two yeah no no no that was me just I was trying to be sort of, yeah.

11:11Okay. Yeah. So you got one of the four items wrong.

11:21I'd be awful in a place. Sorry. Sorry. We kind of knew that he was guilty the moment that he started reiterating what was on the table. He said bread knife. There's four things. Bread knife, knife. And then I looked at my partner like, okay. so what type of knife was that? Then he absolutely fell apart. And also he was covered in blood. Well, that's the thing. So anyway, yeah, it was a bread knife, breadboard, two glasses. Okay. Is the breadboard new? No, the bread, we'd say more breadboard, you know, breadboard, great bit of shit. Shitty old breadboard. Covered in bacteria, because you can never wash it properly.

11:56stinky. Fucking ingrained with, yeah, yogurt. Who's masturbating onto a breadboard? I don't know. What made you ask that question? oh I thought you said like wank no I said rank oh I thought you said wank of the two words what's the more likely one that I'm going to say obviously disgusting because you've wanked all over it who do you think I am you're horny if you think you've got this horny energy to you today no but I've not got horny energy what do you call sex that's fair that is fair that is fair so in my head you've come to this and you've sat up all proper and straight do you know what I mean yeah so I'm like you've been quite sexy with your impression no you're right It's my fault that you said wank on a breadboard.

12:38You're right. I take full responsibility. Oh, fucking hell. I'm no kitchen roll. I'll have to use a breadboard. Oh, my. Well, my, you have to. Nothing, Lisa. I'll be with you in a sec. It's not as absorbent, is it? Little tip for you. Don't go against the grain of the wood on either side. so anyway Catherine picks up the bread she's like I was going to tie these bits up I said just leave it till tomorrow the dishwasher's full but she picks it up picks up the breadboard as she picks it up the knife flies off the board comes down and just literally goes like that on her toe but we know the knife is sharp it just goes through her foot blood everywhere I'm talking like Netflix documentary blood I'm like quick sit down if anybody's seen Toe Sever on Netflix you'll know exactly what we're talking about cut me soon I run over quickly pressure on it with a couple of tea towels what's your reaction what's your energy like in this situation I'm not a panicker I was actually pretty cool and calm collected I can imagine that yeah by the way I'm just going to say it now clogs are a must in the house when you've got the knives is sharp you've got clogs I know you've got a couple of pairs of crocs or whatever crocs, clogs any kind of hard shoe when you've got knives like this you've got to be careful my friend so she hobbles over I'm sorry where does that end?

14:06what? now I'm wearing clogs because I've bought a sharp knife in my own house I'm not fucking buying a knife for which I have to buy clogs what are you talking about? you've got by the way if you get one of these hobs you need to have a full eye mask you need safety goggles because the heat on that bad boy you need safety gloves with some hobs and some pans yes sure you don't need safety gloves for a pan do you? If you pick up a pan that's all metal and it's gone through the handles, of course you need gloves. What are you picking that up with? Can I say what this shows? You do nothing in the kitchen.

14:44I do loads of stuff in the kitchen. But the pan's got a handle like that. No. One of those ones with a pot, more of a pot. Sure. So you use a tea towel. A tea towel? Are you mad? You're crazy. It's worked every time. Right. A little bit of water gets on a tea towel. I understand. Fuck it. No, but listen. Tom. Tom, I'd understand if I was talking to you with two severely burnt hands, but obviously I've been doing it my entire life and it's been absolutely fine. You're crazy. Well, clearly I'm not. I've not been burnt. This mung bean curry is going to fall over. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what. Which kitchen has better safety?

15:21Mine where there'd be no incidents or yours where somebody's lost a toe. So who do you think's running their gap more safely? Okay, fair enough. Because you didn't wear your fucking knife clogs. Right. so the knife slits full dead she's lacerated her foot right blood everywhere okay we put pressure on the blood where's little G at this point she's in bed catching some Z's thank god so we put some pressure on it and then I look you know give it a little while just for the I look at it and it's a proper opening on her foot like did you get queasy no I'm not too bad with that stuff I'm bad I would be bad so then I'm like I think you're gonna have to go to the hospital and then she it was quite She couldn't lift her toe up, so her toe was just sort of hanging like that, like down.

16:06And I'm like, and she's like, I don't really want to go to hospital. It's late. And I was like, you need to go. So we took some pictures, sent it to my old ex-nurse and a friend of ours. And they were both like, no, she needs to go to hospital. So our friend, lucky enough, was around because Grace was asleep. Is anyone else feeling quite funny? And then she took her to the hospital. By that point, she's wearing a Adidas slider. it was just like it's just by the time she got to hospital and took the stock there was a sign of blood just pouring out of it so they've they've uh is she what's she like in this she's like you she's very queasy right then they've made it safe they've put some stery strips on it banished up cleaned it up uh and then she had to um so when she went back and then they're like no you've you've severed a couple of tendons so now she she's been unable she can't walk uh on it she'll be any weight on it she had an operation this week on the thing to tie the tendons back together but yeah she's basically got uh she's bed bound now for six days off this knife yeah how long had you had the knife for like six days first outing for the bread knife yeah just um uh and and now yeah so now so you've been running you've been running the house running the house how's that breakfasts dinners obviously working as well yeah which has been I mean, yeah.

17:26And look, our holiday's up in the air at the moment. Yeah. The holiday's very much up. Yeah, I'm fully aware. I'm going to be going away this week. Yeah. Can we fly? We were going to be on holiday together. I know. Talked about it on the radio I did. Yeah. Talked about it on the radio I did. What happened to me there? I want it last summer wine. I mean, there was, I didn't see the knife go through her foot. And we had been talking about seeing you on holiday. I was very enthusiastic. Grace, very enthusiastic about seeing her uncle Ramesh on holiday. Well, okay, let's get this out in the open. and I'm not worried about saying this because Catherine doesn't listen to the podcast but when you told me about you telling Catherine that our holidays were overlapping you said to me she went we're going to see them one day but no more than that she knows what I'm like with you you're like you're like my addiction you're my if I was on I'd see you every day I'd pop over for a coffee I think I would want to see it every day also by the way Holiday Rom is a thing of legend Holiday Rom I mean even today when I got here the dawn of holiday the little summer swag about you is there I can taste it I can sense it I can smell the sun cream coming on this guy I want to be around Holiday Rom you're literally five minutes down the road I'm not like I'm not seeing enough of you No but anyway the long and the short of it is Catherine made it clear that she didn't want us she didn't really want us to see each other that much Well she didn't want me to be around there every day And then all of a sudden Yeah There's a bread knife Yeah Teetering She looks across She sees the calendar Yeah Rom's arrival in Portugal I've drawn a picture of your face on the day that we're seeing you Yeah And then I'm not saying it was deliberate but I'm not saying it wasn't deliberate Well yeah Yeah, I'm saying it could have been her and Lisa.

19:24Yeah. But, you know, we both need our guys just for, you know. Lisa's like, I was really looking forward to some Ziggas of Galmoria on holiday. Listen, I don't mind you doing a derisive impression of me. What? That was just me just there as a sort of... How would you like if I did, oh, bloody hell, I've, oh, God, I've injured my tongue. That is actually a really good impression of Catherine. Tom brought a new bread knife. You know what he's like. That's actually a good impression of Catherine. Anyone who's fed Catherine, that's not... I mean, mine of Lisa was just sort of, yeah. Lisa's, yeah, I mean...

19:59I find Lisa quite difficult to impersonate. Yeah, she's very, yeah. Well, she knows drama and acting. No, but I don't think that's what it is. Just some people are more difficult to impersonate. You're very easy. There's versions of you you can do. Well, your impression of me is... Probably the... You are from the Keith Lemon school of impersonations, aren't you? where you just push it to some sort of extreme and you pick a person of colour and you try and caricature them to the point that they're at the end. Oh yeah, right, right, come down. Look, mine's not accurate, but it's more accurate than yours.

20:30This, okay, this is one of yours. Mine's not that accurate, but it's more accurate than yours. Okay, what happened at the end? I went for the laugh. Yeah, I went for the laugh.

20:46Mine's not. Fuck off. Okay, it's a bit more. Okay, it's a bit more. Go on, let me hear your voice. This is me just saying I love podcasts and football.

21:03I actually thought it was a little bit Joe Cole. Yeah. By the way, Joe Cole's killing it in the media. Oh, my God, what a guy. I love Joe Cole. He's got a real good energy to him. Can I ask you a question about Joe Cole? I know this is not a football podcast. I know this is not a football podcast. When I was at uni... Yeah. There was a guy. The uni crew? Yeah, big shout out to people that study. Who was your uni crew? Big shout out to books. Any names? That was a rapper I knew. No, I was talking about books, literally. Any names you want to shout out from the old uni crew, the old uni days? Semi.

21:34Yeah. Actually runs Target Football now. He and I used to present a hip-hop show on our pirate radio station. Amazing.

21:43Biscuit was a mate of mine. That's a pretty cool nickname. There we go. Semi and Biscuit. shout out yeah big shout out um your rider dies um okay anyway when i was at uni a mate of mine was a west ham fan yeah and he said to me there's this guy joe cole who's coming through the ranks at west ham and mark my words is going to be the best player in the world yeah was that that was the level of excitement he was yeah that was that was insane that time the excitement that kid had around and And you've got to remember as well, it was like Frank, Rio, Michael Carrick, the other people around him. But he was unreal.

22:20Like the stuff he used to do. I think that kind of got lost a bit at Chelsea for England. Still had a great career. Yeah, an incredible career. But when you saw what he could do and the skill he had on the ball and the tricks he used to do, he was almost like nothing we'd ever seen. The only time I felt that energy again is actually weirdly when I was coming up through the open mic circuit. Yeah. Well, yeah, people talked about you. Yeah, just people just sort of... I think there was a buzz about you. No, there was. That was a joke. No, no, no. Don't start making this real. I think there was. Trying to make it real.

22:53No, no, that was a pure joke. I think there was. No, don't. You and Steve Rimmer. Steve Rimmer.

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25:18Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EPCLIS. Before starting EPCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about EPCLIS and visit ePCLIS.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. I'll tell you what is weird about when we came up in stand-up. Yeah. There's so many people from our year group that have gone on to be like and you sort of think I saw you we used to knock about when you were gigging in pubs and stuff I remember like I remember like gigging with Joel Domet like to six people do you know what I mean and like you and I one big one I gigged all the time like that was Michelle Deswort right I gigged loads of Michelle yeah and like really cruddy small little tiny gigs with no one there and I remember like travelling for miles and miles to go to somewhere and go oh this seven people here.