Ninja Turtles, Dirty Underwear and Spicy Sausage

17:49Yep, yep. So he'll come running over? Yeah. I mean, not like a dog, but he knows who he is. Yeah. He's very sort of like independent. But if you go and call his name, he'll come.

17:59Romesh Ranganathan:How far away does that work? I mean, I've yelled it sort of, you know, when he's in another room, he sort of gradually sort of like walked in and gone, what? Yeah, okay. Very much what energy. I was quite nervous, obviously, about this. So I wait. I start then looking outside around the house can't find him anywhere and I'm like if he got out somewhere somehow he could have had like four hours five hours like fugitive hours he knows he could have shown also he's a cat cats can they're so quick away yeah you know there's no to be fair how long has he been missing for now? at a point when I so I then basically start putting up some posters bloody hell are you being serious right?

18:40yeah that's right I put up some posters I'm padded mate this cat is everything in the house

18:43Romesh Ranganathan:have you told have you told well you've got a wife and daughter but have you everything to your have you told them at that point no if I tell Catherine if Catherine's gone away and the only job I've got look after the cat if I phone her the morning the first morning the cat's a scared the cat's somehow got out of the house in my head I'm like going through I had a takeaway by the way she's like trying to be healthy one way she's not going to be surprised by that I am trying to be healthy in waiting I'm trying not to have more than one takeaway a week well done I got a big delivery ordered. What did you get?

19:17Pizza. What kind of pizza? They do some amazing pizza near me.

19:21Romesh Ranganathan:Did you do the one with the hot dog running through the crust? Oh, my God. By the way, no. But this local pizza, to me, does a very nice spicy pizza with the noiguan or some sausage on it. The what? The noiguani sausage. Noiguani? What's it called? Like that really fiery spicy sausage. Nduje? Yeah, that's it. Nduje? Where do you get noiguani from? I don't know. I'm dyslexic. How do you manage to make that sound racist?

19:46i'm a little dyslexic it's always but i don't what i say to you don't ever ask for that no no but i never name it that's the first one i just say and the spicy sausage you do yeah okay and it's got hot honey on blue cheese it's delicious yeah incredible pizza get that hold on hold on hold on hold on endouja sausage yeah that bit blue cheese hot honey the blue cheese is pumping me the blue cheese on pizza is delicious i'm sure it is and i sometimes say to him throw a little oh fuck and do you in do you it's not in douja sorry in do you and then i say it's definitely

20:20Romesh Ranganathan:isn't it's niguano whatever the fuck you called it um and i said can i always have a little bit of sweet corn and any pizza i have this to remind you the ad pizza a bit a couple of days later yeah so i had that some garlic bread bit of tiramisu um which is how i roll um and i thought maybe he got out then when the door opened I was chatting to the Deliveroo guy yeah I wasn't looking down how long were you chatting to the Deliveroo guy for give me what was the chat how you doing mate busy night can't wait to eat this really excited oh good I'm glad you enjoyed it just so you know yeah just be careful about when you're ordering the pizza why is that well apparently you called it Ngoia or something Ngoia or something why are they discussing it What else have they told you?

21:06Romesh Ranganathan:They said that you order this pizza all the time. Yeah. And they're getting slightly fed up with you saying that the blue cheese is a game changer. By the way, thank you for being so open. And also, they won't do a set. You know, can I say something? Yeah. What's your name? Mark. Mark. Can I just say, Mark, in the modern era, I've started to doubt the fact that people are open and honest with each other. I've started becoming a little bit of a fuddy-duddy. Yeah. And actually, it's nice to meet someone who sort of cuts to the quip as quick as you do. so thank you mark for being so honest it's really made me in the spirit of being honest it's cuts to the quick okay well it just makes me a lot more i you've restored my faith in good i'm glad enjoy your pizza i will do you want to come in and for slice yeah how many people are eating because you've also got a tiramisu and garlic bread it's just me my wife and daughter away okay yeah so um but thank you for coming by thank you um safe channel travels and mind the weather I will do see ya see ya okay so yeah it's a minute a minute and a half so you think so you think the cat could have got out then yeah but then did he sneak out then because also like you know Catherine was like he's got his like little bed and stuff but I was like this is by the way I'm making jokes and doing role plays this must be harrowing yes I was like this is like she's like put him in his little you know his bed make sure he's got all his bits so I just laid some food down I was like it's just the two of us lads in the house yeah let him just roam the house tonight.

22:35And then obviously the next morning, I'm like, oh my God. So I'm like, what do you do in this situation? Obviously, I see posters up for lost animals. I hastily make a poster. Over what time frame? How quickly are you doing? Oh, this is by next time. It's 11, 12 o 'clock. Okay. At night? No, no, no. Lunchtime. Okay. Because I'm like, I've got to act quick. No, sure. Yeah, he's already out. I don't know when he's gone missing. It was the night before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Worst bit of it all, having to go and check the roads. Yeah. um make sure he's not on them jesus it's horrible is this true story no no i'm making it up it's quite emotional okay um and then i then i go around and i start around by the area um putting up pictures uh and the posters um and obviously i've got to put my number on it um because you know we haven't got a house phone uh which was sort of quite hypocritical after the advert we just did

23:30and I can't put Catherine's or Grace's so I'm like put my number on there and I've put them up around our little sort of village

23:39Romesh Ranganathan:and what did you put Tom Davis from King Gary or something no this is where the problem lies I then get a call because someone's seen me put the picture up oh my god and then it's now got my number making sure I'm alright but they're overly chatty and now they've got my phone number right basically fast forward like to about four or five o 'clock that afternoon i'm like what are you doing this whole time panicking me right katherine on the phone to katherine i'm sort of told her no i'm playing it all down because i'm like oh my god this is horrible yeah i'm like hopefully hopefully and then i he basically i hear him he gets into the the loft area i can hear i can hear i'm everything goes quiet for the first time i'm not panicking yeah i hear him in the loft i can hear a little fake meow I'm like but my loft is like not it's not got the stuff on it you know like the insulation no no it's got insulation but not the floorboards and everything so now I've got a climb up into the loft I see it somehow he's got up there how did he get up there fuck no I didn't how did he get up here mate it's a cat sorry sorry what I don't understand is right the cat got out yeah right and you're speculating on how he got out because it might be what you're doing the delivery I then go how do you think he got in the loft and I'm a I don't know how he got left.

24:56That was very facetious.

24:57Romesh Ranganathan:I'm not saying what, did I say, I get that response if I say, how did he say he'd got up there? What I'm asking is, is there a fucking access point? Yeah, there is. Yeah, there is. Jesus Christ. What's up with you today? No, it's a very emotional story. So now I've got a balanced course and I'm not as nimble as I used to be. And also, you know, like that, that installation fiberglass stuff. If you get that on you, it's fucking painful. You're out of the game. Yeah. For a while. so I'm crawling and sort of like and also I'm worried about me going through the ceiling then Catherine getting back going we're up in the loft I get Maui I grab him I give him the hug of all hugs I'm so fucking relieved that I saved him Lenny I've been going to put him under a bush somewhere hello mate we've just found your cat really oh god yeah it looks like someone's squeezed him with what looks like a cat chutney under him he stinks of pacoraban um i i get and i then holding him i get back you know down the you know left hatch yeah are you how what's the i mean the the actual like i've never felt the relief like it i was like generally like absolutely amazing but then like what i i've got him i didn't speak to kaffin everything's cool i'm like i'm literally watching him like a hawk he sleeps in a room with me until they come like i'm like right you're sleeping in here you're not going to take any second chances um but the worst thing is i put like 30 posters up around the area did you go and take them down i've taken a few down but i'm still getting calls of people seeing other cats and having to do the whole thing of like so someone will phone and go um why didn't you take the posters down because there's so many of them i've fucking got time in my day to run around taking them i can't remember i put them all as well when you put posters up like that you're not going all right um i put one on some people are really well now you've permanently got a fucking missing cat poster yeah but that's why they're always up like and also do you know the worry by the way i've not really talked to katherine about this um so i've chatted about on the podcast but i know she doesn't listen um of the worry then of her seeing one of the pictures the posters that are up so hold on up until you're declaring on the podcast does she know that the camera missing no well she knows it got caught in the loft she doesn't know about the posters weirdly i've just thought that as i'm telling the story that yeah i'm gonna have to tell her but you've put places up and you've not got them down i've got some of them when i've seen them yeah i've got the main ones what do you think so what do you think what i mean is if she goes off into because i've put them down she's allowed to freely roam where she wants your wife yeah you know but yeah but it's highly likely i've taken the one down in the front of the bookshop right i mean i've taken the one the ones at the train station okay i've taken the main ones down but i'm still getting phone calls because there's some that i'm put down like little roads near us where i'm like oh he could have got over that back fence and so there's still people hello hello um it's sue calling for hawth and hawth and road i think i might have seen your cat in my back garden i'm sorry don't worry about it we've we've he's back with us now take your poster down basically that is the response yeah of course it fucking is yes of course it fucking people are like so they get so edgy it's like yeah it's like a call for help it's like the boy called wolf i'm like santa mary look what you've fucking done now mate um yeah it's that's been very stressful yeah and and like and weirdly now i'm even more stressed about i've not talked to get i mean i talked to katherine before this goes out yeah i think you will have to because yeah because other people say yeah your husband's a fucking idiot yeah um well good luck well i mean i'm just going to fill calls on and just like i mean half how often is your phone going on no i've only had like three people call okay and actually to be fair there's two that are really angry another one was like oh that's a relief you must be over the moon and then i ended up having a bit of a conversation right yeah and obviously the person who saw me put it um put the picture up now has my number and there's text any luck with the cat a couple of times okay that's quite that's quite sweet actually coming from a good place yeah when you get new glasses yeah this is pissing me off now god i've not worn these very often but they keep going ending up like this you're part of you look quite sexy when you're going you know i've i noticed my face is so sort of sweaty is my glasses I was like they just constantly got like a smear of sweat and grease on them so and by the way eyesight wise my eyes are so bad now how do you mean like my eyesight I don't know why I'm this is awful and this is again ick wise like why I don't know if I can I was cooking the other day and I was I had to get my glasses like that and I was reading the cooking instructions of what I was cooking yeah because I couldn't Catherine didn't say that yeah long and short I was like that that looks horrible yeah it does look it's so like that it's awful that's horrible how am i best gonna do these fish fingers it's it's and then had to do this one oh she's better without the glasses on it's i'm genuinely worried that yeah i'm hitting an age now can i show you a nick I've brought a nick with me.

30:20Oh my God. You can't in.

30:24Romesh Ranganathan:So I went to the dentist and they said to me, there are signs that you're grinding your teeth at sleep. Oh my God.

30:34Romesh Ranganathan:I know what's coming. So they've now given me something that I have to wear at night. I'm going to put it in now. I just want you to imagine every night Lisa seeing this, right? Close your eyes.

30:51Romesh Ranganathan:open them

30:58Romesh Ranganathan:you're like a simpsons character i've got to have that in my mouth every night now what forever yeah what yeah you know like sexually there's no good time to put that in pre or post sex is that what i'm supposed to do you can't you can't have sex with lisa and then go That was lovely. Thanks, darling. And then put that in. And then go into, oh, you're up for a bit older on a sec. Let me just get the case out. Let me take... When this goes away, you're going to fucking get it. Well, let me take out my D grinder. Let me get the D grinder out, mate. A little bit less of this grinding, a bit more of that grinding, if you know what I mean.

31:42Look at that. That feels that that shouldn't look like that.

31:46Romesh Ranganathan:It's so big, isn't it? I genuinely was about to say it doesn't look that bad, but it genuinely makes you look like your upper lip, like a Simpsons character. Like, seriously. I know. I've looked in the mirror. Isn't there like a thinner one you can get? No. I've got to wear this every night for the rest of my life. I just picked it up this morning. They were so blasé about it, going, you're going to have to put this. I've got to put this in my mouth every night. Forever. Forever. You're probably getting you. You won't have just that one. No, but still. Because if you're grinding your teeth that much, that'll probably only last you a couple of months.

32:23But you grind right through it. Oh, my God.

32:27Romesh Ranganathan:What if I close my mouth over? Is that any better? Go on. No, that's all. There's no getting it. And also, do you open your mouth when you're sleeping? Because I've got pictures of you sleeping. Like in the back of a car and stuff. You sleep like that. No, I'll take it out. Christ, man, that's bad. Oh. Doesn't feel that good coming out. What are you wearing to bed with that? It's got to take a tooth. It feels like it's going to take your teeth with it. Really? What are you wearing to bed with that? Boxers. Just pants, okay. Just pants, yeah. What do you wear to bed? Same, but I'm just... Have you ever slept naked?

33:04Yeah, I had to the other week, so I had no clean pants.

33:06Romesh Ranganathan:What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? I had no clean pants. What are you talking about? We've been away. Were you away? Yeah, we've been away. So you're at home and you don't have any clean pants? We've been away. What the fuck are you talking about? No, we've been away. I'd taken all my pants with me. They'd all been soiled. So I don't know. How long were you away for? Six months? How many pairs of pants are you having fucking? Are you not? Sorry, how long were you away for? We were away for a week. A week? How many pairs of pants have you got? What the fuck are you talking about?

33:36Romesh Ranganathan:I've had 10 pairs of pants. But three days before. Dude, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Three days before. The man in your position should not be running out of clean underwear at home. This is fucking wild. No, you get three pairs right now I'd had that were basically in the wash when we went away and took seven pairs with me. Excessive. You've got to have more than 10 pairs of pants. I reckon I've got 30 pairs of pants. What? Are you fucking joking? No. And also sometimes I like to have a change in the middle of the day just to freshen up. Do you change before you go to bed and put a new pair of knickers on?

34:08Romesh Ranganathan:Sometimes. Really? Not all the time. I have done that. Oh, I'll wear a pair. Yeah, I'll put them on in the morning. And they're my sidekick up until the next morning. No, I get that. That's what I do most of the time. Yeah. The idea of losing, of not having enough clean underwear. I'm sorry. No, no. I did say to Catherine, I'm going to have to look at this. But yeah, I didn't feel comfortable laying in bed naked. I think you've got to have such an air about you to sleep. Duncan Ferguson is my go-to when I think about a man sleeping naked. And David Beckham probably does. Tom, I can't believe that you ran out of underwear.

34:41Romesh Ranganathan:I'm still reeling from that. It's like finding out you're in the fucking Epstein files.

34:51No clean underwear on Epstein Island? Are you going to get involved? I would, per se. Is there underwear on the aisle? Is there a Lululemon I can get some new knickers from? um yeah it's yeah i i maybe i need to pick 30 pairs seems insane yeah actually to be honest it is a point it's a bound of contention in our house so you must have just a drawer just for pants do you have a drawer just for socks what my pants and socks are together yeah mine used to be but then i just i just yeah it's like a fucking fast-growing city your underwear drawer is

35:29Romesh Ranganathan:essentially like dubai well lisa's got a lot of underwear i'm assuming katherine doesn't have 10 pairs of underwear like you do. She has a little bit more. Yeah, but most times 10 pairs is a good cycle. I get it, I get it. And when one starts getting a bit thread there it goes and I get a new pair in. Like a football team. Yeah, fine. But you're not your underwear drawer is not a packed nightclub. It doesn't have to be one in, one out. Just have a bit of fucking luxury. You're doing pretty well. Yeah, but it seems excessive. Does it? You had to sleep naked the other night because you ran out of pants.

36:03Romesh Ranganathan:so does it seem excessive no I mean at that moment I was you ran out of pants sorry I don't think you're understanding how mad this is you ran out of pants at home no I just got back home so essentially I was still on holiday yeah but you're at home and you're not I was still on holiday I was still on holiday I was still very much like in a holiday you shouldn't run out of by the way you shouldn't run out of underwear on holiday no I didn't on holiday I had a no you just made it by the skin of your teeth precisely yeah precisely enough bar any accidents what a fucking horrible thing for Catherine to do at the end of a holiday by the way

36:35Romesh Ranganathan:she's tidying up the house I assume I had a pair of shorts on and I took them off as I got into bed oh brilliant so you gave her a show no I got into bed put the duvet on oh my god

36:53Romesh Ranganathan:you know when you get changed just seeing the knees go off in the duvet hold on a second so you're wearing pants when you got back so then why did you not have pants when you went to bed well it's an old friend of ours that we've talked about a lot on this podcast what mickey drips you had too many mickey drips in the pants like can i just explain something as a sick you would never have had this problem as a big man right six foot seven you get in a the plane we're in the toilet is exceptionally small. So just anyway, using a normal toilet in a plane, I've got to angle my body in a certain way to stand and have a piss, right?

37:32So I'm having to lean back, push forward. So essentially like that. That's my willy coming out. Is this a scale? No. And my head's back like that. And then I obviously then put my, pull my trousers up without giving the proper sort of due diligence to the sort of idea of Mickey drips and then do that thing. Oh, for fuck's sake.

37:56Romesh Ranganathan:So how bad was it? Well, bad enough I didn't want to sleep. Did you shake? Yeah, I'd shaken, but you can't really get a proper shake on him. Don't ever do that. Don't ever do that again in front of me. You can't get a proper shake. That was fucking horrible.

38:19I love the fucking fact that you've brought a prop that might give Lisa the ick. I've managed to outdo you three times by being far more disgusting. Anyhow, so yeah, I was like, I don't really want to sleep in these now. Okay, sure. So I had a shower. And also I had a shower when I got in. Yeah, you can't, if you have a shower when you get in, you can't. I put it back on a pair of dirty pants. I get that, I get that. And I'm like, and also I didn't at the point, can I just say, by the time I put the pants back in the dirty washing after that, I'm not then going into the dirty washing to get the pair of pants out that I've just worn.

38:53Romesh Ranganathan:No. No, I understand that. So, yeah. Yeah. There was a lot going on there. Yeah. Mickey Drips, were you not able to do the thing that we found out that you just sort of press under the eave? That's so fucking, does it work? Number one, I'm not able to stand straight up. Okay. I'm at such an angle. Yeah. Yeah. And then I've got to worry that I... Did you contemplate getting a tissue to wipe his mouth? I just needed to get it done as quick as I can because you've got to think i'm leaning back like that i haven't got time for surgical wipeage and i actually thought it was i was like you know what that feels like it's everything's that like most times mickey drips lull you into a sort of full sense of security yeah so you put your gun back in the holster thinking everything's fine yeah and then you sit down in the plane yeah and then you feel like yeah i literally felt disgusting yeah i felt yeah dirty yeah yeah no I get that.

39:44I get that. And also then I'm like, do I smell a piss when people want past? Yeah. Yeah. Grace has got a habit at the moment of sort of like saying when I smell and sort of saying it quite loudly so people hear. Really? Yeah, she finds it really funny. Hmm. Yeah. I mean, look, this feels like a very vulnerable episode. I think for both of us, I feel that's really very cathartic for me in a number of ways. Yeah. I'm horribly going to talk.

40:12Romesh Ranganathan:I do think, and wolfowlpod at gmail.com, because I want to know if which one of ours underwear policy is the most acceptable. Because I've got loads of pants. That sounded like such a, what terrible sex. But I'm addicted to buying underwear. I'm not addicted to buying underwear. You're like the Abelda Marcos of pants. By the way, are they all the same brand, or do you vary it out? There's like bunt, so there'll be like, you know, there's like about six or seven of one brand and six or seven of another. Wow, fucking hell. but not like have you got like your nice pants that you wear if you're going out with Lisa what are your nicest pair of pants your ritziest pair well actually my favourite pairs are the sacks that we've talked about sacks are incredible Lululemon do a great pant for a man yeah I know you're a big Lululemon fan yeah they feel nice the long leg ones yeah get yourself when you get yourself seven of those you've doubled up yeah I mean I might go out if I'm on this with you that's down to me I'm going to buy some I'm going to buy some I should have washed I should have washed more before I left I'm going to buy some pants as a little gift I'm going to bring them to you.

41:11Can I say, by the way, that happens once, right? The joke is on me. It happens twice. I'm a fucking idiot. There'll be never a time that I fall into this situation again. Yeah, all right. I hope anyway. I can't promise that.

41:25Romesh Ranganathan:You're taking sort of a well-known saying and doing some sort of shit fucking knock-off version of it, but thank you for that. Okay. Well, I would be interested to hear. I'll tell you something, if I'm fooled once, bloody, that is... bloody you know that's out of order of of of you if you if that happens again what is the actual saying fucking hell uh fool me once shame on you yeah fool me twice shame on me yeah yeah there we go that's what i was gonna i can't remember the name of the standard there's this aussie standard there's an amazing whole bit expanding that oh really it's so funny um but what it isn't is whatever you said yeah yeah okay tom could you please do us the honors of taking us out of this episode of the wolf and owl hold your stairs friend hold your stairs what do you mean running up them running down them no i'm talking about the kind of stairs that comes from your eyes looking watching see the other day just the other day i was coming up some escalators and i noticed someone staring at me say what are they looking at i thought say what as i came to the top of the escalators i checked my nose in my camera phone for bogeys what could they have been looking at for quite some time it was playing on my mind why why me why they cast their eyes towards me they made me think of the times that someone's caught my eye or something has a man with a rucksack with a dog's head poking out of it i don't know a guy with a jumper that i like or a woman with a beehive that's unusual where are we 1962 truth is when we're looking sometimes we're looking out of interest but spare a thought for the person that we're looking at you could spend a whole day wondering why so hold those stairs hold those stairs

43:28holy shit okay um

43:35Romesh Ranganathan:I was about to say it lost momentum I don't think I ever found any thank you so much for listening and watching the Wolf and Owl podcast we'll see you next time remember to like and subscribe we love that yeah like and subscribe share with friends as well share with friends maybe watch in the office without earphones on so everyone goes oh what's that and you can tell yeah or on the train listen to it on the train yeah but it like take you disconnect your earphones turn it up really loud and let the whole carriage enjoy yeah or not enjoy but either way spread the word spread the word see you next