S4 Ep 26: Clooney Chats & Rom’s Album

24:33Romesh Ranganathan:You can sort of hear the click as she puts you on speakerphone so the whole office can hear this insane piece of shit that you're delivering. Yeah. Andy Leach jumping over desks just to get a listen to that fucking idiocy. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you, it did feel weird to say, for Flo to go, we've had this coming for you and I go, I can't do it because I'm working on my rap album. I mean, it's... Yeah, but mate, like, I just think, fucking credit to you. When you said it to me and I know that you, there was a part, I genuinely, I said to Catherine and Catherine was like, fucking good for him like i genuinely like it's fucking amazing bro i also did an interview with bbc southeast to talk about charlie's school situation you should have merged them by the way they had a song about it well i actually i thought i did my new material gig i spent half of my set talking about it to be honest with you but right um one of the things i noticed midway through the interview was that i had like a grease stain just sort of beneath my...

25:29Romesh Ranganathan:Do you know what it looked like? As I'm watching you eat there, it looked like I'd taken a chip out of a plate and then just rubbed it down my shirt. And then... And I noticed it midway through the interview and I thought, well, I'm doing this for the news, so I can't really... Ordinarily, I would stop and riff about it. But they're talking to me about... Yeah, it's a serious thing. They're talking to me about, you know, the situation in West Sussex and school provision and stuff, so I felt like I couldn't, so I just thought, well, that's going out now. Do you know what I mean? so let's deal with that yeah um but no it's been a good week i wore a pair of green trousers actually uh yesterday and um spilled a little bit of water on the crutch uh and it looked a lot like a mickey drip and then spent the rest of the day even though i knew it dried really like you know when you've got like uh can i just say i know obviously i've dealt with this i think we've spoken about can i say and it's getting worse like you know i mean once you've urinated right i mean what's your protocol are you a shaker or you're a dabber a dabber yeah do you dab or do you shake because i'm like i shake and shake if you give it a toilet paper no i don't no i don't know i don't dab i don't dab so i do the um i do the uh the gooch pipe press go on what we've talked about this yeah we talked about this doesn't work all the time well like from that i'm like i've got one fucking left in it i've got one in the chamber at least every time i put my chart look one guy Honestly, I started joking about this.

26:55I'm sure I know it's your way. I turn up and I'm very on edge about the fact that Mickey drips could be a fucking thing again. In the trousers? Yeah, in the trousers. It's a fucking bold choice. And I'm chatting. And he said, have you ever tried wrapping a bit of toilet paper around your penis after you finish? So it's like it creates the barrier. So it looks like your penis has had an injury.

27:19Romesh Ranganathan:You've just sort of constantly got this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. but like a like a like a sort of paper pocket for you to sort of put your penis in after like a holster i guess all right yeah and he was sort of telling me that's what he does when he's in like pair of trousers and this isn't my wording he turned around to me he went uh this the little thing it makes your dick look bigger and all which i'm like yeah okay i mean yeah yeah so you You tried it? No, no, I'm not trying it yet. I was still anxious. I don't think you're emptying yourself completely. Look, we're going to get complaints about this, about talking about this graphically again, but I don't think you're emptying the tank properly.

28:00Romesh Ranganathan:You know? You need to go, go, go and go until you're completely done. Yeah, but I sometimes have to do it and it just feels like I just finished. And it's like... No, but then try again. By the way, I have arguments with my penis in the fucking toilet. People must think I'm mad. I don't fucking know what you're doing to me like that. I literally talk to it like it's a person. I don't know whether you're... Some people must sometimes think I'm in a cubicle. I don't know whether you're making... It's difficult to know. I swear, I swear on my eyes, I fucking get so enraged, I'll go, fuck's sake, fucking what are you doing?

28:30Do you never do that?

28:32Romesh Ranganathan:No. Do I talk to my penis? Are you asking if I've talked to my penis? No, you've never ever sort of talked to a little bit of your... I've said stuff like... Feeling lonely. It's been a while. isn't it stuff like that I suppose I suppose you've to last few months you've wondered what you're actually for haven't you mate okay stuff like that but I wouldn't have a go I wouldn't have a go you're a lot more polite yeah but I'm like that with a lot of inanimate shit I mean that's what an insight

29:13Romesh Ranganathan:you refer to your dick as inanimate shit you mean i like fucking stuff around the house that doesn't work yeah i do i get annoyed i do that and arguably that's less logical isn't it but i do do that like if something doesn't work i tell you what's getting a lot of shit from at the moment our printer really i just don't understand why we're pretending that printing at home is a simple and easy thing to do no well you're a wi-fi printer yeah but it's like it's just honestly anyway i don't want to get into it but the point is that genuinely anything you could have you could have something in the wrong position in a different room and the printer will go do you know what you've not met the requirements to print this single a4 sheet it's a disaster the whole thing's a fucking disaster stuff and i actually think i'm gonna as i'm talking i'm getting angry it's right next to me here it's fuck it's so annoying like it's laughing at you yeah like it well i'm going for it in the mix of that my and this is by the way very this is incredible i'm recording this in a hotel it's very nice to be doing because i've i have no worry about the wi-fi can i say and i'm going to say this fucking BT are an absolute bunch of slugs.

30:27Wow. Like, the trouble I'm having with my Wi-Fi is fucking unbelievable. Like, and also, again, like, I call them and I'm always quite friendly and always quite chatty, always trying to sort stuff out and try and, but my Wi-Fi can just drop out of my house for like six hours and like, just not work and for no real reason and it sort of happens every other day at the moment and I spoke to my neighbour about it and he just turned around and he said, we've got to live with it, I guess. I was like, but why should we pay for it? So is it happening to your neighbour as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's happening to three or four people, don't we?

31:00We haven't got fibre where I live. We haven't got like, we're quite an aggressive community.

31:05Romesh Ranganathan:Can't you all, listen, I've been to your house. Okay, I know what community you're living in. Okay. I don't want to give away your address, but if I was to make one up, it'd be Entitled Street. but surely you guys can like club together like you're an affluent bunch aren't you you lot can't you like but you are though can't you club together and just go but also with that apart from my neighbour who I very much enjoy and he's a great guy and I love his fam everyone else I've sort of talked to tried to sort of like commandeer into some sort of rally they don't seem up for it they don't seem like they care in fact a lot of them by the way I have rang on quite a few of the doorbells around there and people, I can see them in and they won't answer.

31:50Romesh Ranganathan:So did you ring, did you ring, I don't, Tom, I really am starting to struggle to know whether you're telling the truth or not about stuff. I swear, I swear, I swear I'm like, like, you've run the doorbells to what? To get a group together about the Wi-Fi? Mate, this, I'm not exaggerating here. Our Wi-Fi is to the point where it's like, this sounds a mad fucking very first world problem. But everything in your house essentially runs off Wi-Fi. Like, every, like, fucking thing. Like, the things that shouldn't have to run off Wi-Fi run off Wi-Fi. So, yeah, yeah. But my point being is if your TVs aren't working, you've got a fucking toddler, nothing works.

32:28You know, it does your head in when you're like, there doesn't seem any rhyme or reason why this isn't working, right? And then also on top of that, I have no phone signal in my house either. So if I have to try and sort out something with BT, all joking aside, I have to walk up the road to call them and Catherine has to wait back at the house so I can WhatsApp to Catherine what to do with the router or vice versa we do, you know. So the whole thing's insane. And then I'm like, so I'm like, well, it can't just be our house. So I spoke to our neighbour and the neighbour was like, yeah, I've had the same thing.

32:59So I was like, well, if there's a few other people and we all contact BT who govern all of the Wi-Fi and all this fucking stuff in the country, no matter which company you get through it, since you're getting it through BT, maybe we'll get some sort of, that might be a result. and literally, anywhere I'm knocking on doors or sort of like ringing on doorbells, no one seems to want to, like, talk to me. Yeah. It's like, you know, like, I feel like a politician that no one believes in, which is like a lot of them.

33:25Romesh Ranganathan:What I would say is, it's annoying to have your doorbell rung, isn't it? Yeah, it is, but also, it all rings my doorbell. Back in the day, people were ringing on doorbells left, right and centre, but now it feels quite intrusive, doesn't it, to have your doorbell rung? Yeah, but it's the same thing as calling someone. If you phone someone, someone's like, Like, oh, fucking hell, what are you doing? Just fucking text me. Yeah, but on your mobile, you've got a choice, haven't you? I mean, first of all, most people's mobiles aren't making any noise. But you have had a ring doorbell, and people can just go like, oh, we're not in, or just pretend that you're not there.

33:55Romesh Ranganathan:I know, but the point I'm trying to make is, what I'm saying is, if you've got a phone on silent, right, and you're sitting watching a film with your family, and somebody rings that phone, if you've got your phone, like, out the way, or you put it somewhere else, you don't even know that call's happening. Yeah, of course. If you've got a doorbell, It's the same thing with the landline. That's why I don't think landlines... Well, can I just... If I'm going to add to this as well, by the way. Please do. When I spoke to my neighbour as well, he said, oh, you should bring this up on the WhatsApp group for the street.

34:21I said, I'm not on the group. And he said, oh, I'll speak to them and get you put on it. This was like two weeks ago.

34:26Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, it's weird that he hasn't prioritised getting you on the neighbourhood WhatsApp group. No, but he's almost certainly got nothing else going on in his life. I can't believe he's not... No, but it takes two seconds to go, oh, I'm going to put this guy on there. He lives up the street. He's probably said that, and then someone's like, oh, is that the big dingus who'd just been knocking on everyone's door? Oh, yeah, he's worried about his Wi-Fi. Oh, fuck him. We don't need that kind of, you know, it's quite a happy group. We don't want any rebel rousers. Do you know what's really sad as well?

34:54Is that BT before, I actually had so much faith in it. I dealt with them. I thought they were great. I actually really found a real, in my last abode, I was like, oh, you know what, they're great. I felt like I'd really found a company that really cared. And now it just feels like, yeah, left astray. I've realised by the way I feel very lucky that I'm sort of able to vent here by the way I've been venting to everyone I've met over the last month on trains it's weird that you've done

35:18Romesh Ranganathan:on the WhatsApp group but listen I get it it's hard do you know what I mean it's like I'm talking to somebody that's having to do his podcast that he does for an hour every week from a hotel the corporate gig that he's doing tonight has provided for him so I get it do you know what I mean it's struggling you know people out there we're not far away from me actually having to hire a hotel to do the podcast from. I mean, look, it's horrible, man. It's like, you know, people... That's the one thing I feel like people don't realise. They think it's all glamour. But, you know, Tom's ordered room service.

35:51Romesh Ranganathan:They've not put a card in his room. He's being paid an extortionate amount of money to, I assume, present three awards and do ten minutes of standing. By the way, I heard about brackets the other day of what different people get paid on these things. You are a significant bigger name than I am when it comes to this vibe. You are very much... No, I'm not. You're very much... Mate, you're a Messi in this game. I'm very much... I'm not a Messi in this game. Do you know, you're Messi. I'm Paul Mullen from Wrexham. Great guy. Brilliant player at his level. I just don't know why you have to needlessly...

36:25Romesh Ranganathan:That guy is like... He's just an innocent guy that might be listening to the Wolf and Out and then suddenly he gets... Who, Paul Mullen? Yeah. Paul Mullen's a great fucking footballer. He's not Lionel Messi. In the same way that I'm not you in this auditorium. I mean, fucking hell. by the way the biggest insight I've played like fucking played Paul Mullen is comparing himself to me yeah that's what I'm saying it's horrible but you're saying it in a negative way that's what I'm saying to you no Paul Mullen's a fucking great footballer I'm just saying Paul Mullen himself was not going to turn around and go oh I'm the same level as Messi I know I'm happy where I'm at I know this is if I'm honest with you I'm stable at the fucking where I'm at in this thing because I panic every time I do one of these that I'm not good enough to do it I text you I think nearly before or you'll probably get another text this evening.

37:10And I'm like, I don't know how to do it.

37:12Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. I get very anxious about it. But you're getting regular works. It must be... Look, if you compare yourself to me, how many corporates do you think I've done this year? Three really big ones that are fucking... Probably big... The one that you did for Greg's probably fucking surpassed the fucking ten that I've done this year. Don't fucking come here with that fucking violin, son. I'm not... I'm still fucking scrubbing it sorry Romesh isn't around I even did one the other day they went oh Romesh was here a couple of years ago it brought the house down absolutely killed it I'd love to do a corporate together that would be fun that would be great I did one with Rob once yeah how did it go yeah we did we did Domino's we did the Domino's corporate this is what I'm talking about the big fucking stuff mate like genuinely that's Premier League at least a championship I'm fucking in League One back here.

38:07Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, yeah, sure. Listen, all I'm saying is, well, no, but all I'm saying is, never in my career have I done back-to-back corporate. It's never happened. Never, ever happened. You don't need to. You're doing Domino's, Greggs, McDonald's, you're doing all the big ones. Fucking Apple, Google. You've done one for Google, I believe. With you, you fucking prick. Oh, yeah, of course.

38:38Romesh Ranganathan:but no it's good man it's really good that you're you know it's difficult but the wifi thing is tricky man but what I think is I'm at a point now I don't know what to do I'm actually by the way if you'd emailed the podcast with this advice I would and I'm going to take longer to say this as you've just smashed half a chicken into your mouth so I want to give you some time but I would like post a note through people's letterboxes it's less invasive and you just go really I'm going to do that and just put your number on there and go look i'm i am i my work relies on this working and so for that reason i'm going to prioritize doing it if you could just let me know what if if you're having issues i'm happy to take this on board and then it solves all your problems because then they can get in touch with you at a point of their choosing and then secondly if you then do sort out the wi-fi you've made yourself a bloody hero of entitlement street that's true do you mean like i just say um on Tottenham Street, you fucking...

39:33Romesh Ranganathan:Well, look, I've been to the place. You're so cluny. You have your own road. Don't say so. Look, I'm saying stuff that's clearly a joke. You're saying stuff that people might think is true. OK? No, but can I just say, if I could respond to that, the only thing I'd say, because I think that's good advice, would you say it's best to get printed out, sort of like just print out 20 of them, or whatever, 25, 30, probably actually about 45. 45? Yeah, I mean, I'm going to have to go up and down the whole street. If you're going to rouse a rebel... It's a rebel, but yeah, go on. You're not rousing one rebel, are you?

40:16Romesh Ranganathan:You're rousing a rebel of rebels. If that rebel was Luke Skywalker, you got half a chance. Yeah, okay, very good, really good.

40:27so if I had write hey friend it's me I think we need to draft this

40:35Romesh Ranganathan:straight off the bat here don't start hey friend do you know what I would do I would try and make it look like you've put less effort into it what I mean by that is come up with a template and then have dear number and then just leave that blank and then write all the numbers in so they know that you're not doing some weird stalky thing just to their house. They know that it's a template that you're handing out to different houses. And then you just say, it's come to my attention since I've moved to. So nothing like putting in there like, I haven't met you properly yet, just moved into the area.

41:08Romesh Ranganathan:I know what's happening here, you're trying to get a reaction out of me. Okay? Right? Don't put anything like that. Just be very matter-of-fact about it. And then also, can you put a caveat in there, which obviously I realise we all lead busy lives. If this is not something you want to come back to me about, don't worry about it. But I just thought I'd canvas it. But maybe think about the rest of us. Yeah, OK. Yeah. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that and then see how it goes. We've got a situation here where Tom's Wi-Fi has frozen. It seems not what we've got. Yeah, you froze there for quite a bit.

41:43Romesh Ranganathan:I missed all of that, mate.

41:56Have we got any emails, my friend?

41:58Romesh Ranganathan:Oh, that's the first time you've instigated emails. But yes, we do. I'm quite interested. Yeah, but I'm enjoying the emails. I've got a love back for it. Okay, dear Wolf and Al. This is from the distressed koala. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Dear Wolf and Al. Okay, the nation's most chaotic guidance counsellors. It's quite a good tagline. I hope you legends are doing well and that neither of you has been traumatised by another bee recently. that's nice isn't that so they're a regular I actually got attacked by a wasp this week okay that happened to me at sports day actually fucking wasps ended up drafting in a couple of other people to help me out the thing was like properly it was on me and you were even defending them the other day yeah I mean yeah but I'm not I'm not angry with the wasp I mean he was just like why he's fucking literally trying to mug you off in front of your whole family I could have been like gesticulating while I was talking and like knocked him and then he thinks I'm the aggressor you know I don't think if they're left number one number one you're not a fucking big handsy guy when you're telling stories by the way the other day I had a lovely pizza well I don't flop them about like one of those inflatable guys outside a garage but what I'm saying is that you didn't you're not like a mafioso going oh yeah I'll tell you what we're going to get that guy you're like you at best you do this I don't do that even what am I doing starting a duel right okay but you'll take a man and go oh yeah the day i was uh who is it i saw do you know i mean that's your hand motions aren't big and elaborate okay i i think you've got me wrong on that although but if you've watched any of the video clips of the podcast that probably backs your theory up hope you're legends doing well and none of you has been neither of you've been traumatized by another b-wist now i'm writing because i've got a mate who's about to retire after 30 plus years as a teacher that's three decades of detentions uh parents evenings and try not to swear in front of year nine the patience of a saint the bladder of a camel the emotional trauma of someone who survived 400 sorry just to interject there by the way are you i've never thought about that before as a teacher you're not allowed to go to the toilet when lessons are on no really so what do you there must be like a mad queue for the teacher's toilets before you go to each lesson no i don't i don't recall that no i mean i tell you what i mean i did i did find a secret toilet at the last school i worked at that none of the other staff knew about.

44:13By the way, that sounds very creepy to have a fucking secret toilet at school.

44:18Romesh Ranganathan:They'd added another, like, little wing to the school. Have you been to Mr. Ranganathan's secret toilet? No, but genuinely, it was like nobody else knew about this toilet, so I just kept it to myself and it was like a little private domain. Left magazines in there. Oh, wow. Anyway, now this person is an absolute hero, the kind of teacher you actually remember. Oh, God. Where did you find these pornos? Just in this toilet, just in the new wing, sir.

44:46Romesh Ranganathan:um we've looked on the cctv and um you're going to the toilet quite a lot and not only that you're there for quite a while and then you come back and you've got sort of a little satisfied smirk on your face um now this person absolute hero the kind of teacher actually remember for good reasons not the one who smelled like damp toast and threw board rubbers did you have a board rubber thrown at you as a kid yeah i mean i got a punch right the back of the head but as a kid i've got a ball rubber throwing it i got told there's an orifice in the middle of your face wrangling it's too big can you try shutting it got told that wow somebody threatened to hit me i mean it's good i got i i got clumped out the back of the head by a teacher my mom had to come up to school and i didn't even tell them i thought it was normal practice there's another kid who told their mom they've made a huge difference to loads of students lives and i want to do something genuinely decent to mark their retirement here's the thing i'm out of ideas do i get them a gold-plated red marking pen, a year's supply of chalk in Guinness, do I fake Ofsted turning up on their last day as a prank and risk being disowned?

45:46Romesh Ranganathan:This is where you two come in. Can you give me advice that's heartfelt and completely inappropriate in equal measure? What would you do for a retiring legend like this? Appreciate anything you've got. Life tips, prank ideas, or just a heartfelt shout-out from the pod would be class. Thanks and big love to both of you. That's the distressed koala. Tom? I mean, I would say it would be hilarious to get Ofsted to come in, or the police to come in and sort of say that they've beaten some kind of complaint against him. Well, that's where you and I differ straight off the bat, because I don't think that would be hilarious at all.

46:17Yeah, but obviously he's going to know it's a joke at the end, right?

46:20Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. But that's, OK, and there you go. There you've hit the nail on the head there with my issue with pranks. It's for the person who's the recipient, it's horror, horror, horror, horror, horror, horror, relief. That is what the emotional sort of time, like the time frame for a prank is. So to my mind, the positive of discovering it's a prank is massively outweighed by the negative of action. Have you been pranked before? You must have been pranked. I've been pranked loads of times. Yeah, I've been pranked. I've been pranked, yeah. But now I look back at some of those pranks and generally they make me really chuckle.

46:55I've also been the proprietor of a prank here and there. So, you know, without going into details,

47:01Romesh Ranganathan:I think, to be honest with you, and I'm glad I got the opportunity to say this, I don't think you know how to stay on the right line between pranking and bullying. Oh, yeah. By the way, I've pranked and it's gone wrong and I've felt an absolute piece of crap. Yeah, no, and I would say that, you know, one man's prank is another man's hate campaign is what I would say based on some of the stuff you've told me. Right, yeah. I mean, I've done some... A couple of your pranks, let's be honest, almost led to people leaving the industry. I haven't done anything that bad. I mean, some of the stuff you've said.

47:35Romesh Ranganathan:It's pretty bad. But anyway, go on. Right. Maybe have I pushed it too far? Of course. You know, when I was young and impressionable, silly, and, you know, only a few years ago. But am I proud of all of them? Of course I'm not. I do think a funny prank... Anyway, I was slightly jesting with the prank thing. My point was, I think actually it's always nice when... I think in this scenario, I think a prank's nice if you're going to see them as well again after. If you're not going to see them, it's his last day. I think it would probably be, the nice thing would be to give him actually, I think joke gifts, I'd arguably say joke gifts are almost worse than pranks.

48:13Yeah. I personally think, I think it would really heartfelt, like a gold-plated pen for, you know, that he might get some, you know, he might be able to write his memoirs with, or he might be able to, I mean, it's hard to ascertain because we don't know this guy, whether he's got some hobbies or he's got things that he's into. but I suppose the thing for me would be just finding sort of like who the guy is what he's into and and getting him a nice sort of something and a nice gift that would mean something to him so every time he looked at it he'd he'd feel what you're putting in this email that he did some he made a difference he did some good and he meant something to the people he worked with and the people he you know the kids and and you know the other teachers that you respected him and I think sometimes if you get a present that's a bit too jovial or you know if he's got something you look that he can look at he can hold he can he can feel something from then that goes a long way

49:03Romesh Ranganathan:really good advice really good advice Tom yeah um I mean you haven't said if you work with this teacher that you're also a teacher or if it's just a mate who is a teacher separate to you um but it would be insane to get someone a leaving gift if you didn't work with them yeah but he might be no but it's a retirement present is that to retire it's a retirement present yeah so when you retire when like when i retire in like a year and a half i'm hoping that you would get me some sort of retirement yeah but we work together of course i get you a present anyway no matter what i give you a present we're buddies we're you know we work together we've got a professional and a personal relationship that's a beautiful thing yeah but that's what i'm saying this but yeah but but if if for example with fucking i don't know if darah bring like retired tomorrow i'd be gutted not to see darah do stand-up again but i wouldn't buy him a present it'd be insane.

49:50You go, who's this from? Tom Davis? You're not mates with him, are you?

49:53Romesh Ranganathan:I don't even think he really particularly would like you, but I'm talking about somebody you haven't necessarily... Actually, to be fair, in every social interaction we've had, you're probably right there.

50:08I'd say alongside probably... I'd say alongside 70 % of the rest of the industry, I think, that I would get.

50:14Romesh Ranganathan:No, that's not true. It's not as high as 70%. Anyhow, I think it's... It's like mid-60s. But I... if, for example, I've not worked with him much, but if Sean Walsh retired, I'd get him a present. Yeah, of course you would, but you're really good mates. Sean gave me a leg up at the beginning. Yeah, but this guy's really good. But you've also worked with him. But even if I hadn't worked with Sean... No, but we're talking about people in our industry. So that's where it's difficult, because that would be the same as using a teacher. Okay, fine, fine, fine. So, okay, right. Just name one of your mates who does something else.

50:46Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. Completely different. Let's go Rahul. who works in finance, right? Okay, so when he retires, are you going to get him a gift? Yeah. What? So you're going to get all of your friends when they retire a time of gifts? Can I just stop a second? Be very honest. Can I just stop a second? I don't think I would. I said it just to further my argument, and I've got to hold my hands up here and say, I don't think I would. You know what you've done here? You've Boris Johnsoned yourself into a corner. Well, I mean, I wouldn't say that's what I've done. No, but maybe I would. No, but number one, you wouldn't.

51:22Number one, as much as you jest, we don't retire, this retires us, right? You're not going to just go on and retire one day.

51:30Romesh Ranganathan:No, no, no, not true. You're telling me that you're going to retire from this game? Correct. Completely? Yes. Staying away from stand-up, your rap albums, everything you do? Hold on, stand-up maybe not, but everything else, yeah. I'll walk away from it. Yeah, but then you're not retired, are you? That's like him going, oh, yeah, I'm retired from teaching, but I'm still doing two days a week as a fucking standing teacher. Do you know what I mean? If you're out, you're out. There's no fucking different measures. That's the game. Maybe I will get out. Maybe I will get out. I don't think you'll retire.

51:59I don't think you will. I think you need it. I think you need it to fulfil what you want. How dare you? But what are you going to do for the rest of the week? You'd go crazy. More importantly, Lisa would go fucking mental if you were just round the house burning pizzas all the time.

52:14Romesh Ranganathan:We all need this. We need something. No. I'd go do shifts at Coughlin's or something like that. Do you know what I mean? You're not retired. You're still fucking working, aren't you? Well, I wouldn't get paid for it. I'd just rock up. But I'd retire from this game. I know, but that's not retirement. Okay, you'd retire from this game? Yeah. No, I would retire. He's retiring. My point is, you're going to get all of your friends retirement. Every one of your friends, you're going to get a retirement present for. Well, I haven't got lots of friends. If you've got ten friends. Also, by the way, can I say, you say you haven't got many friends, but it'll become abundantly clear who you like most out of your friends and who you don't if so and so is fucking retiring and you get a beautiful gift and then someone else retires and goes what did what much get you for your retirement?

52:57nothing oh yeah we'll see what you see in the fucking hierarchy of things okay

53:02Romesh Ranganathan:first hierarchy is not right okay bearing in mind that you're always hanging out with the king it feels mad that you don't know it's a hierarchy second of all I think if you're in a conversation and somebody said what did you get them for a retirement present I think that's a weird thing to ask somebody isn't it you're an exceptional present giver you're going to give the person a nice gift I'd imagine a nice watch or a nice pair of shoes or something so then everyone's going to expect the same birthdays I get I'm just saying that if someone's retiring in and like this guy sounds like an incredible guy but also it's like you know where does it stop okay distressed koala can you get back in touch and let us know are you also a teacher i'd love to know i think they probably are aren't they um i i think in answer to your question i think you need to get them something heartfelt i think avoid pranks avoid anything jokey teaching is a hard game and somebody that spent 30 years doing it they deserve something lovely to be like a badge of valor yeah teaching is one of the hardest jobs in the world i think i i i have i have not done a single day as a comedian in any situation that it even approaches as stressful and as difficult as teaching is so and it's thankless a lot of the time as well it is thankless a lot of the time you can't do right for doing wrong sometimes the kids give you give you a shit yeah but i bet those little cherished moments i bet those little cherished moments when something does go right and a kid comes up and at the end of the class, sort of is sitting at the back there and as they're all leaving and you're dying for a piss in your own special toilet, he goes, sorry, Mr.

54:45Ranganathan, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for helping me read or do maths or whatever.

54:52Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, that's not really happened. But you're not doing it for the thanks, are you? Yeah, but also, can I say, every kid, and I meet a lot of people who you talk, because naturally it's from an area in which I'm from, a lot of people always speak so fondly of you they often say you're their favourite teacher and some of that obviously is good some of that is rose tinted hindsight isn't it yeah yeah but also yeah because you're like one of the you're a nation's sweetheart now right but I do actually generally think it comes from a very I can imagine as a teacher you'd be quite cool you'd be fun so yeah man I think it's a rewarding thing I think you know what I'd love to do is we should send this guy a gift that's a great idea Tom can I leave that with you could you I will yeah okay if you send us somewhere that we can send this gift to we'll get it to a picture of me and you just laughing well I think it feels a bit ironic to spend the whole time talking about not getting him a joke prank gift and then offering him tickets to our tour

55:56Romesh Ranganathan:anyway Tom it is about that time my dude that time so could you do this the honours of taking us out, Miss Ting-Ting. Bells and whistles, trumpets and saxophones all make a noise. All different gradients of noise. Some loud, some settled, some harsh, some soft. But what is the noise in the end? Something can startle you, get your attention. Almost a break in the silence. That said, it can be an irritant, but actually it can be a warning. But should we look at the sounds in which we make and the things in which we say a little closer? Should we maybe look back and go, that screech wasn't really needed, or that ruptuous laughter across the pool, that's something my friend did that seemed to disturb a sleeping baby, that wasn't needed also.

56:50It's very, very easy to get lost in your own sounds, nay your own world, and not think about the wider world around you. The other people, they're impacted upon by your loud, nay, resonant soundings. What do I mean by all this? I guess what I mean is it's not just always about sounds. Sometimes it's about where you tread and how you tread and if you tread. every move, every sound every breath takes a reaction or makes a reaction that will have some impact on others so be careful and be considered in each one of these that you do go well, be true, be you thanks for listening

57:39Romesh Ranganathan:really nice, you sort of you wrapped up quite quickly there almost surprisingly I sort of got lost in the middle of a forest and found a quick way out yeah well done could we please JT take us out with Lor Karner has got a new album out which is really good it's called oh what the hell is it called it's called Hopefully and there's a song on it called Time To Go which I absolutely love so could we go out with that guys thank you so much for listening to what I would describe as a upper mid tier episode of The Wolf and Al Tom is off to I've enjoyed it actually I think it's been a real fun Tom is off to enjoy the rest of his chicken and to quite a wilted salad bask in the financial rewards of doing a corporate gig for which he's undoubtedly being overpaid for look after yourselves guys hopefully listen I know if I could do a little bit of a mini final thought I know that life can be a struggle I know things can be hard and I know things can be tough but sometimes other people have got it as bad or if not worse.

58:48Romesh Ranganathan:I would ask you to cast your mind across to somebody I know who tried to put his room service on the room, but has found out that they haven't allocated a card for his corporate gig. So, you know, people are struggling left, right and centre. So good luck to you guys. Take care of yourselves. The struggle is real. And as a learning friend of mine said, the hustle is real too. Yeah, very good. Thank you guys, take care of yourselves Bye bye

59:43Romesh Ranganathan:is taking I feel like my world is changing The all that I know it is

1:00:03Romesh Ranganathan:If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. feeling short on smiles does your frown need to be turned upside down we got the perfect dose of comedy 30 minutes of scrubs zach braff donald fazan sarah chalk and the rest of the gang at sacred heart are back for a brand new season we play medical doctors who are besties just like in real life and we'll definitely be up in each other's cases scrubs premieres tonight on abc and stream the next day on hulu side effects may include laughing cheering and lots of high fives I'm no Superman