S4 Ep 27: The Scorpion & A Spudgun

22:27Romesh Ranganathan:anyway okay do you want your report on your broadcast digital yeah okay hit me up okay i'm gonna give him a shout out because because he deserves a shout out uh the the executive producer of the weakest link was at the broadcast digital awards wow well okay right yeah text me and said, I'm at the Broadcast Digital Awards. Tom D is presenting them. Love him. He's doing a great job. How do you feel about that? A little bit calmer. You know the thing, right? You all know this feeling. After the gig, I had a number of people say, that went better than, a lot of people, you've done more of these than I have.

23:10I've never done anything like that. You've done a BAFTAs.

23:13Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, okay, fine. I have done them but I do think that's different but like anyway but people coming up to me before going look mate don't get too much in your head because this one's a hard one you know they don't really listen it's a tough gig yeah also when I do these things I'm never going to be a slick as you're more aware than most a slick presenter of I'm not Mr. Go Up that's part of what you get them in television it's part of the charm of it but some people are brilliant at doing that and I'm not if I was trying to do that. So I just thought I'd make it all a bit shambolic, like I was forgetting stuff and I was fucking about.

23:49Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, absolutely. Do you know, it reminds me of, the way you described it there, it's very much similar presenting style to what Boris Johnson does.

24:01Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, I mean, I was going to defend myself. Oh, well, well, well, blame it. Welcome to the broad car, what are these? They're bloody... No, my point being, and I thought I'll just fuck, but then I think a lot of people were like, took that as being, like, as in like, they thought you were really a fuck up. I was trying to be slick, and I, you know, and quite a lot of people afterwards were coming up going, I thought you did great, obviously it wasn't, you weren't helped by the sound, and you know that thing where people are being kind, but also you're like, you didn't do the sounds failing bit, did you?

24:37Romesh Ranganathan:You didn't like, you didn't grab the mic and go, first of all, it's really nice, you didn't do that did you no no no I just pretended I was really out of breath because I sprinted to the stage I can't believe you sprinted to the stage anything that would minimise my time on stage I would do I would walk slowly that's a minute I zigzagged through a lot of the tape anyway I digress so a lot of people were saying these things and I in my head was like it's a really tough yeah I was just like I'm not quite sure how this has gone I have no idea shout out to David Taylor came on stage and shout out to CPL for winning Digital Production Company of the Year very well deserved obviously Robin Rom Ligal Arone and Married at First Light making some great anyway David Taylor came up it was very very sweet to me on stage because at that point I was like I had no idea really yeah I would say it was a it was a tough one What's going on?

25:39Romesh Ranganathan:What's going on? You started wanting to tell the story, and then you sort of shut the door. It's like you're midway through it, and you remember that you've been legally embargoed from talking about it. No, no, but you know, do you not think sometimes you start thinking about moments of the night, and you start predicting it? There's a bit of a sadness in your eyes. A couple of questions I want to ask based on what you said, and let's be honest, the detail about the entirety of the Broadcast Digital Awards was less than your detail about the lump after the bite. But just a couple of things based on what you said.

26:09Romesh Ranganathan:Did you high-five anybody on your way to the stage? On my way to the stage? Yeah. Yeah, of course I did. Okay, fucking hell.

26:21Romesh Ranganathan:Because... I gave you some back rubs. Jesus. No, because I know... Because the way you described it, when you said I was zigzagging around the table, in my head immediately, I've just thought about when David Brent turns up to do that corporate talk.

26:37there was an energy off oh man yeah there probably was a vibe a little bit of a vibe

26:45Romesh Ranganathan:and then do you remember in the American office when what's his face Steve Krill no the big accountant guy Kevin do you know when Kevin does the talk and then he puts a song on and he runs around the room and then he's really out of breath and like has to vomit into the bin that was my opening kind of thing I forgot that Kevin did that. That was a version of... Also, can I just say, because of Shoegate, because Jim brought the attention to my shoes. Yeah. Shout out, Jim. I had to then run out and get a pair of matching shoes, because obviously then, once you know that they're not a pair, you've got a joke about it.

27:22So I ran out and got a pair, and I got a pair of really cheap brogues, like really cheap. That's the only thing that was open at the time. Yeah. And they had leather soles. So completely frictionless. Yes, there was a little bit of slipping going on. I sort of tried to make a joke about that, and it, um... Because there was a ramp to run up, and I sort of gave it a little slip and went, oh, new shoes. Jesus fucking Christ.

27:51Romesh Ranganathan:Now I'm starting to lose a bit of respect for Pete now, because he's giving me a report, and the report I'm getting from you is it was an absolute shit show. No, but if I'm honest, I think the material went that, but also have you played that room in the brewery right and it's got that little stage at the end it never feels like it carries all the way through I've listen let me tell you something Tom I've died on my arse at the brewery right yeah and I'll explain what happened it was one of my first ever corporate gigs it wasn't anything as illustrious as the Broadcast Digital Awards it was some sort of some sort of legal thing it was like a I can't remember what it was but it was like in the law profession and I've never agreed to do this since because of this but basically they part of the deal was that i sat and had lunch with the head table oh no no no no right so i couldn't even eat before yeah so i've sat down with them and we're having a chat and stuff and they're asking me about they're asking me about stand-up comedy and all of that and then i go up and i die on my ass right like absolutely die on my ass right it just goes so terribly and in my defense well there is no defense for the performance the performance is a shit show But in my defence as a human, I wasn't experienced enough to do that kind of...

29:04Romesh Ranganathan:You know, I was just slightly out of my depth. But the only way you can get in your depth is to be out of your depth for a little bit. So I've done this gig... How can you do something you've never done? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I've got the point across. I don't think it needed you to step in like we're outnumbered in a fight outside of Weatherspoons. So I die on my arse, which is fine, whatever. You know, people die on their arse. and then I have to sit back down for the rest of the meal why did you sit back down because I was at that fucking table the meal hadn't finished it was like in between mains and desserts and coffee oh my god and then oh my god oh fucking that is awful it's like Superman has gone up to deliver a speech and then fucking somebody that isn't Superman Clark Kent someone else there you go Clark Kent sits down like a dweeb except Clark Kent's got his flies undone and his dick's hanging out you know what I mean You know when Superman, was it 2 or 3 where he basically loses all his powers?

30:02Yeah, Superman 2. He gets beaten up.

30:05Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. Yeah. Superman 3, by the way, let's talk about Superman 3 for a little bit. Obviously, they're very excited about Richard Pryor. And so they decide to take one of the greatest comedy, well, arguably the greatest comedy talent of all time, and put him front and centre of the shittest superhero film arguably ever. As a kid, that was my favourite Superman, just because Richard Pryor. As a kid, I just fell in love with him there. Richard Pryor was unbelievable in it, but there was a bit... I've got some vague recollection of Superman sort of being encased in jam at one point and sort of having to...

30:39Romesh Ranganathan:Who was that? That's the one with Terrence Stamp and all the fucking... Those guys, right? The black suits. No, that's two. Two, that's two. Oh, Therese the one with Lex Luthor and Richard Pryor rifles down the big slide. Yeah. And then there's the nuclear weapons or whatever. Do you know what I mean? And Richard Pryor's like... I always remember that one quite fondly. But I've not watched it for years. But still, actually, do you know, it's not one of the worst superhero films of all time. That's not true. I mean, it's got Christopher Reeves in it, so it's not going to be the worst. Do you know what I mean?

31:13Romesh Ranganathan:But... The new one's getting a lot of stick. Four was bad. The new one's getting some stick, isn't it? is it getting some stick though stick i've used the wrong word there is it getting some stick because i read this thing about this there's a review got leaked that said it was bad that guy's not trusted this is the other thing by the way just i know that it's been what with i know that we're not supposed to be talking about tiktok anymore but let's just forget tiktok but just influences in general right there is a phenomenon now of like people getting known online for reviewing films then the studio gets excited about these people they've got a big following then they invite them in to have access to like behind the scenes and talking to the stars and stuff and then they do a review and then you can't trust the review now because they've been given all this unprecedented access and like all of this shit so now when somebody says oh it's an unbelievable film i go yeah because i saw you with what's his name corin sweat you were hanging out you went and played Mario Kart together.

32:15Romesh Ranganathan:Now I'm supposed to believe that you're giving me an impartial review of the film. What are you talking about? You're done. You're done. It's over for you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's the thing. And don't you be wrong, I'm not having a go at them. If I got invited to go and do a thing, I would do it. Do you know what I mean? It's like an amazing experience and these people are really into this stuff. I'm not having a go. But the idea that you can then, if you've hung out with them, if you spent the day at Chessington with Nicholas Holt. How are you going to talk about how he played Lex Luthor?

32:47Romesh Ranganathan:You can't... I don't know if Nicholas Holt would be that much fun at Chesington. He always seems quite a serious chap. Yeah. I think out of all this... A great and batter boy. Oh, he's a fucking great actor, no doubt of that. But if I was going to Chesington, I'd probably... And it was him or Rob Beckett, I'd go with Rob Beckett. Yeah, I don't think that's the biggest compliment that Rob Beckett's ever had. Nicholas Holt's a stranger to you, and Rob Beckett's a good mate. No, I'm just saying, Rob Beckett would be great to go to... It's like me going, oh, I don't know, if I had a choice between, I don't know, going to dinner with my next-door neighbour or Tom Davies, I'd go with Tom Davies.

33:23Romesh Ranganathan:Are you supposed to be touched by that, are you? Well, I'm just saying, it's like Nicholas Holt. I think there's certain situations where Nicholas Holt would go, actually, if I was going to the library or something, or even probably if I was going to play paddle, maybe, I'd probably go, Nicholas Holt would be great. Better than Rob Beckett. I don't know what Rob Beckett... Rob Beckett, I think it was a waste of Rob Beckett going to the library with Rob Beckett. You're not going to get the best of Beckett at a library, are you? You'd be quiet. You know what I mean? Rob Beckett in Silence is not the best version of that, man.

33:56Romesh Ranganathan:No, no. Whereas I'd say Nicholas Holt, both reading a book and whispering and debating it, could be quite fun. Arguably, I'd say I'm a bit wasted in the library. But if Nicholas Holt texts me now and went, I've got your number from so-and-so, do you want to go to the library? I'd probably go fuck it up when's the last time you went to a library I actually went last week with Grace I took Grace we actually got kicked out but what happened you took your top off again Grace well there's not a scorpion's bit his dick just Catherine saying to her friends it's weird we went to the teddy bear's picnic and he took his top off because he had a bite but now what's happened is he's got a taste for it now any time we are in any kind of school event he's sort of he's sort of pretending he's got a bite so he can reveal his torso um no grace and me were quite we were being quite loud being silly and playing and and there's the trouble with the libraries when they've got the kids corner in it it's very hard i don't think i don't sorry you can't get kicked out the kids corner for your kid being noisy what are you talking about yeah the library that's very very strict no no we've been quite loud it's the kids corner mate the woman was very much i'd say that she was she'd been primed and her life had been dedicated to working she was the most librarian librarian i'd ever seen let me let me say something controversial tom if i may if you don't mind and listen as you know i've moved into a new stage of my life where i'm trying to not be negative about people and i'm trying to you know be understanding of people's positions and i understand that librarians got a hard job to do but the impact that has on little g you know we are in a situation here where our libraries need support you know yeah let me not get on my soapbox about this but we are in a position where libraries need support we need children to feel like libraries are somewhere you go now one of grace's memories of it is her dad topless being told off by a librarian she's gonna she's gonna for a long time associate that with trauma now an embarrassment i also did i was doing impressions she was laughing afterwards because i I was doing impressions of the lady.

36:04And then she sort of was trying to do an impression of the lady. So, and also she said, the lady thinks of farts, which always makes me laugh. Is that true though? Or is she just saying that? No, I didn't smell that. I didn't get a good sniff. If anything, she smelled of like a sort of like. Oh Christ.

36:18Romesh Ranganathan:She knows what your taste is in jokes now, doesn't she? Yeah, like a rose water. And is that person smells of farts? You know that rose? That's what he likes. Jesus. She's treating you like a fucking jongler. She's having to do a route one base stuff. Because that's what you enjoy. She actually smelled more of rose water, this woman. Right. I don't mind that smell. I'm not sure about it. I find it a bit sickly after a while. Do you know what I mean? You can get it in the back of your throat if it's too rosy. Do you know what I've started doing this week, Tom? Using a body spray that matches my after show.

36:50Romesh Ranganathan:It's the first time I've ever done it. Really? I've been doing it for years. I know. I'm sure you have. But, I mean, it does add another dimension. How are you feeling? Yeah, but you all smell so good. I would know. I was going to say about you, within the top five things about you, is your aroma. That's very sweet of you to say. You always smell delicious. I'd say that, wow, that's incredible that you're stepping up. That is actually Lionel Messi moves. That's like Lionel Messi going, I don't know if I'm good enough at football. Do you know what I haven't achieved, though? So, basically, I am passionate about how I smell.

37:27Romesh Ranganathan:It's like, you know, I take... You know what? But your passion then becomes other people's passion because it's nice to be around somebody who smells nice. Yeah, but what I haven't mastered is to walk into a room and that room smells of you. Like, not in a horrible... Because the problem is it's walking that line, isn't it, between wearing too much. That's horrendous. But also, do you know that thing where people go... In fact, somebody said this to me about... Flo told me this about Lee Evans, right? That Lee Evans... Oh, okay. and still probably wears but I'm talking about she's talking about when he was like doing stand up Flo said that he would wear this cologne and he had a signature scent that he always wore so you always know it's Lee Evans right yeah and that when she said sometimes you'd know when he'd been through a corridor what yeah because it was like how much is he wearing well but she said it wasn't unpleasant when you were that's what I don't I don't understand how you do that if it's an yeah I don't like because for me I'd be like well I've got to do a hundred sprays then and then suddenly people are just physically reacting you know what he might be you know what people are there's a tick tock thing i know we're not talking about tick tock but where people put it in vaseline don't they yes do you know who does this go on who theo really does it work mate that kid he's he is his scent game is on point yeah but so it worked he's also doing like he has like a base layer deodorant that apparently like he's he bought it specifically that activates the that makes it he's not all about that he's been looking into the do you know what I mean he knows what he's doing the student has become the teacher as far as that in that regard but I always think it's a lot of money to get like put in all your like a really good aftershave in with Vaseline if it doesn't I know I know you know let's be honest aftershave's pricey unless you buy the the dupes have you ever bought a dupe mate I wore dupe all the way up until I was about 33 no I'm not talking about dupe I'm not talking about dupe we're talking about oh okay oh okay dupe Yeah, yeah, yeah.

39:25Romesh Ranganathan:Good fragrance. Have you ever wanted to do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I've had them when I've been abroad, yeah. I think when we've... Yeah. Probably actually even up to not that long ago, I was sort of... If I was abroad and I'd smell one, I'd go, that smells good. And then the first initial spray, it doesn't hold its scent. No, it doesn't last. Well, apparently some dupes do. Really? Yeah. Apparently they do, yeah. I always think when I see the guy in it with a case, and you see, there used to be a guy on Oxford Street who used to sell them, didn't he? Yeah, well, they're not... You didn't buy any off him, did you?

39:55Well, no, years ago I did. Yeah, a few of them. That's not even a juke. A building site used to be in the Aladdin's cave of aromas and DVDs.

40:03Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, but Tom, they're not even juke, are they? That's not even, that's just like some random shit. Yeah, yeah, but I'm just saying. Oh, so you, what, there's a juke, what, you mean like, as in it's a duplicate? As in like, you know like, I don't know, a Ventus Creed or whatever. What is that, 250 quid a bottle or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get a duplicate of that for like 20 quid that apparently smells identical. Wow. Yeah.

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42:09Romesh Ranganathan:I went to a wedding on Friday. Whoa. I landed from Indo... Oh, am I allowed to say this? Nisia. Rob and I have been on a little shoot. I landed at 8 o 'clock in the morning and I left for the wedding at 11. What? Mm-hmm. And I went to the wedding and... You must have been fucking... Did you sleep on a plane? I slept on the plane, yeah. I did sleep on a plane, although, yeah, I didn't sleep great. I'll tell you what I did watch on the plane, though, Tom. Yeah. The studio. Yeah, I've watched the first three episodes of it. I enjoyed it. I don't know. That's not the reaction I was saying before. The studio.

42:53Romesh Ranganathan:I watched the studio. We're talking about the same show, Seth Rogen, Apple. Yeah, yeah, I struggled to... I enjoyed it. I just struggled a bit with it. I started watching Platonic and really enjoyed that and Stick. I think it's good studio. I don't know. I just, there was... I think Catherine was... Catherine really wasn't... You know when you watch it as a couple, you've both got to be invested. Well, the thing is, I knew to watch it on the plane. There's certain things I know Lisa's not going to enjoy. The studio is one of them. I can just tell. She ain't going to be into it. So there's certain shows you watch separately.

43:26Romesh Ranganathan:Because that'll be one of those ones where you put it on and you go, I've heard this is really good and it's the sort of thing I'm into. Then you put it on and then they look across at you like, do you know the look? This is what you like. Your caffeine is not really a look. This is the sort of stuff you enjoy. Cuffing goes like this. Oh, okay. Okay. As if she's looked it up. She looks at her phone, she starts looking at what Molly May's up to. Okay, fine. I liked it, though. I mean, I think it's funny. The one thing I think that I would have preferred if there was more of a narrative arc through the film.

44:02Romesh Ranganathan:It's very standalone episodes, isn't it? Which is fine for the first couple, but then after that you go, nothing here seems to have a massive consequence of what happens in the next episode. He is so fucking watchable. Because we'd start to watch that platonic instead. I don't know if you've seen that. That's really, really good. No, I've not seen that. And he is fucking, he's a don, Seth. Seth Rogen is an incredible talent, man. Like, amazing. He is what we could have been if we had sort of ability, skill, a bit more talent. You know, the one thing I'd say about him is, I can't even imagine he, if you read the autobiography, he talks about his stand-up and he's really self-deprecating about how he was...

44:40There can't be a world, having written the stuff he's done. I'd love to watch Seth Rogen do stand-up. I just think he'd kill it. I think he's so fucking funny.

44:49Romesh Ranganathan:Well, you sort of remind me a bit of him. Really? Yeah. Yeah. In terms of, you know, you're quite sort of... You've got kind of a friendly face. You've got sort of not similar faces, but you've got a similar energy to your faces. You're both sort of funny. you've got funny bones and well that's it that's the end of you I think you're quite similar I mean look the way I feel a bit of South Rogen is how I felt about you when I watched you open for me in the hall for all those years ago this guy should do stand up more often yeah you know speaking of which Tom if I wanted to see you do stand up how could I do it well what you could do is you could go on to bigtomdavies.com and book tickets for my tour that is busting and going across the nation from January next year.

45:40We're hitting up some beautiful, beautiful towns. Very, very excited. I mean, I haven't written a show yet, so it's very nerve-wracking.

45:47Romesh Ranganathan:If I can assume the chronology of how a tour normally goes, what I imagine has happened, and correct me if I'm wrong at any of these stages, you've written a first flurry of about 15 minutes. You've done that in a few gigs. That's gone very, very well. Then you've said to Flo, let's pull the trigger on the tour. You've gone and done the photo shoot. great images by the way i love the tour poster and now your little arsehole is puckering because you know the tour is going to start in january and you know we're near where you think you need to be is that right uh yeah i mean i think you've been very kind with the 15 minutes i think i've got about seven uh it's fucking daunting it's very daunting do you do you find that thing i know you do because you sort of talked about this before but you sit there and you just go how the did i ever get that last tour together and i don't i don't think there's no real science to it and And then there's stuff that I thought, oh, this will really work.

46:36And it's really not. And I did so many work in progress this last time. Like so many.

46:42Romesh Ranganathan:Are you not doing as many this time or something? Not as many. No, because I was so ring rusty. I probably will. I probably end up doing a lot when I get back from, I'm going to have like a little break with the family and then get back and hit it hard. I've also, well, I've also got something else booked in, which I can't really talk about at the moment. But that's also given me a lot of anxiety. Is it big? of almost no no no no i mean i think i've talked to you about before it's just it's just added to the workload of stuff i've got to do listen don't i know what it is and i know you don't want to talk about it but i hope you don't mind i'm going to talk about it okay and i don't worry i won't get into trouble you're nervous because of i'm going to guess the wolf and alto do you know what the wolf can i say this podcast is the one thing that i don't feel any anxiety about and i just Yeah, because you don't give a shiny shit about it.

47:31Romesh Ranganathan:That's why. I do give a shiny shit. I enjoyed it. Can I just say, shout out, I did Silverstone on Friday night. Lovely gig. Really great crowd. Oh, I know it was a lovely gig because before you went and did the gig, you were really nervous about it. Then afterwards, there was a little self-satisfied, it was almost post-coital, the photo you posted of you in the car, just going, what a crowd. What a crowd at Silverstone. Now on to Brighton. we move it was something like that it's like if Tony Robbins did stand up Tony Robbins David Brent Tony Robbins a big key what a character that would be joined together no but a lot of people came up and said very nice things about this but I feel Mitch Pryford did this podcast I think and I sent you a message the other day from someone who sent me an incredible message about it and I think it's something I I feel like this is I feel like I'm like myself.

48:29I'm very much enjoying being on the road with you. That's going to be a fucking joy.

48:32Romesh Ranganathan:You're nervous about it, so how are we going to approach it? Well, I've got no idea. Unplanned, I imagine. It has to follow the seed of... I would love to get similar reviews as we did at the Crossed Wires Festival. I'm hoping for that. By the way, at the Crossed Wires, we were the only podcast that wasn't invited back. I'm fully aware of that. Fully. Not even in a smaller room. I think it might have gone so badly for them, our show, that I think it might have brought the festival in jeopardy. That's how badly I think what we did went. I imagine they got... Listen, Tom, think about it like this.

49:10Romesh Ranganathan:We got some negative feedback from that performance. Imagine what the festival themselves got. I can't even... I dread to think what feedback they've seen about us. Yeah, we should say, actually, a big, yeah, apologies to everyone involved. No, no, no, no, no. Let me stop you there. There's no need to apologise. We did what we always do. The problem was, you know, as is often the case in life, the problem is the level of expectation versus what the reality is. That's where misery lies. Do you know what I mean? And that's what happened. We shouldn't apologise for doing the same shit we always do.

49:46Romesh Ranganathan:You know, what are we going to do? A choreographed dance all of a sudden because we're in Sheffield. We should do a dance. I think we should try and work on a musical number. Well, we're doing the cherries, aren't we? You're doing the cherries, maybe a musical number with like a surprise guest at the end of each show. Oh, you could do one of, yeah, you could do one of your new songs. Mate, I'm so excited about this album, bro. When's it coming out? When's it dropping? Well, do you know what? I've got a single for you if you want to, I'm not going to put it on the podcast now, but I can send you it after the podcast.

50:11Romesh Ranganathan:I've got a first single. I will send it to you. You can have a list to see what you think. Oh my God. I'm actually feasting on this. Yeah, yeah. So you're nervous about the till, basically? yeah I'm nervous about everything in my life at the moment there's no need to be there's no need to be I'm a very anxious human being

50:32Romesh Ranganathan:okay should we do one email to close this off let's do one sweet email yeah alright bear with me one second my G we've got a lot of emails about Mickey drips but a lot of people giving us tips and then a lot of people a lot of people saying can you stop talking about it it's horrible okay okay a lot of people okay well yeah uh so here here this is from okay he's not given an animal name uh good day tom and rom so i'm assuming he's from australia oh by the way sorry i'm all over the place here do you remember that guy that wanted to get a teacher retirement present yep yep so and then jimmy we got into a bit of an argument because yeah you said the guy's got to be doing the same job yeah yeah well can i just doth my cap to you you're correct.

51:18Romesh Ranganathan:The guy's also a teacher. So, far be it for me to say that I don't give credit where credit's due. Okay? No, no, no. I take your credit. I shall feast on your crescent. Your credit. Feast on my crescent?

51:38Romesh Ranganathan:We all give your credit all day. Mr. Bath. Okay, here's the email. G'day Tom and Ron. Been religiously listening to the podcast for a while now and I thought of a question for you to discuss. Well, I didn't entirely think of it myself. I saw Ricky Gervais talk about it. Okay. I would be better to have it tackled in a much less comedically raw-do manner. If you had teleported 500 years into the past with no clothes, nothing, and had to persuade someone that you're from the future, how would you do it? We'd love to hear you debate this. I'm pretty sure Tom will say this is a mistake for the end of podcasts, but let's try and see if we can tackle this in...

52:10Romesh Ranganathan:Oh, he isn't from Australia, by the way. Let's see if we can tackle this in five minutes. He said, hope to see you in Brisbane at some point. Okay, Tom. 500 years into the past. I'm someone from the future. Go. I'm from the past, so you're from the future. Hold on. Have I travelled with you? Oh, sorry. I'm from the past. I'm in the past. I'm in the past, sorry. And then you've travelled from the future. Okay, 500 years. Christ. Where's that? Caveman shit? Or is that... 500 years ago.

52:42Romesh Ranganathan:So where are we? Victorian? Awardians? Where are we at? 500 years ago it's caveman shit

52:52Romesh Ranganathan:fucking hell let me look it up actually 500 years ago where are we 500 years ago from now because Ricky will know this shit he's a historian I know I know that's the problem with this isn't it okay the 16th century the late renaissance age of exploration the beginning of the protestant reformation and the German peasants. Okay. Hello, friend. Oh, gosh. Tis a giant. Tis a giant come to terrorise us. What are you doing with your hands? I bid you good day. Away from me, beast. No, no, no, no, no. I have interesting and exciting news. Also, I'm not actually technically a giant. I'm just very, very large.

53:34You're completely naked, sir, and I believe that...

53:36Romesh Ranganathan:And you... Sorry, sir. Before... Sorry, my lady. You're... I... Oh, no.

53:45before you get offended, you're probably wondering about the bite scar upon my penis.

53:51Romesh Ranganathan:Well, I'll be honest with you, good sir. I was wondering which one of us in the roleplay would get to that first, but congratulations. I doffed my bonnet to you. I was bitten sharp and fast by a scorpion. A scorpion, you say? Yes, a scorpion. I believe I've not heard barely of such beasts. well yes you probably know them as pirates or uh people who come apart pirates pirates you you were bitten upon your nether regions by a pirate sir no no a scorpion but there is a group of pirates called the scorpions uh beware of them probably won't have to worry about them for another hundred years you won't be alive but your children will listen my love um do you know anywhere around here I can get some clothes.

54:34Romesh Ranganathan:Well, not for a man of your stature, but I do believe there's a stable around the corner where they keep shire horses. Maybe one of those blankets will be suitable. That's very kind of you to compare me to a shire horse in my present state. Let me be absolutely crystal clear. I refer mainly to the size of your body. To be absolutely crystal clear, I can't believe how completely out of proportion you are, sir, if you don't mind me commenting immodestly. May I be as presumptuous as to interrupt? How much of it did the scorpion bite off, sir? Listen, wench.

55:21I'm in a distressful situation. Do you have a spare pinny, nay apron, that I could wear?

55:27Romesh Ranganathan:I have a spare pinny, but I fear for you, my sir, it would be but a handkerchief. one might wear it upon one's breast pocket maybe you know a baker or butcher with such an apron i do and i also know a candlestick maker sir which one of them do you require well probably at the moment i could do like a meat sandwich so either the butcher i feel like i'm staring at one verily i feel like i'm looking at a meat sandwich right now sir okay stop flirting with me i i need to tell you something and you need to listen i'm from 500 years in the future wow so you're just getting straight into it yes i i've come from i've been traveled all of my clothes my phone my bodily functions phone yes phone phone phone can you imagine if you will a phone what is a phone in the year 500 years from now which you won't be alive nay probably won't even have any relatives because of the Black Death won't be arrived.

56:30But it's a piece of technology that I can call.

56:34Romesh Ranganathan:Sorry, if I may use language that's not of my vernacular. There's a piece of technology. So imagine, if you will, someone in a different country, Nayland, that I could call and say, hello, Keith or Bronwyn, how are you? And then they speak back to me through the phone. I'll be honest with you. The only word I understood from that whole thing was nay. okay end soon yeah alright so it was quite a difficult thing to do it was very difficult I wonder how I wonder how Ricky Gervais handled it I might have to watch Ricky do it well the reason I've wrapped it up Tom is actually because I know you've got a car waiting for you now you've got to go I've got a car waiting I'm jumping on a train yeah but you've got a car taking you to the station right no no no I walked to the station and then you've got a car picking you up from the other end right no no a lot of walking today baby okay go on okay friends dignitaries recently I went toe to toe no, I was abusive to a specimen known as a wasp I didn't think there'd be any comeback I spoke freely and offensively and for that, in a way, I'm sorry see, the wasp folk and spiders maybe a false widow had gathered together word of my foul language and derogatory slang had reached them.

57:59And they made a pact that if one of them saw me, they would teach me a lesson. The lesson was handed out this week. The lesson was learnt. Homework was studied. And I feel a little bit bad about being so presumptuous and so mean. See, the way that I sometimes play this game, the game of life Is I run fast and I run loose with these things I call my lips And sometimes that upsets people I'm not just talking about wasps or spiders I'm talking about life in general Sometimes we all have actions that cause a reaction Sometimes we say something or do something that can upset people this week I've been on both sides of this thing from one side I was the offender against wasps, spiders and their kind and then another way word got back to me of stuff and I guess that's the thing those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and if you're outside the house it's mean to throw stones at someone with a glass house I guess what I'm trying to say is be kind, be true, be you and if you think about saying something mean Think of Mr.

59:15Bath. Stood by the pool, holding a boy sobbing with his penis in his hand because he'd been bitten by a scorpion. And although Mr. Bath at some point must have thought, this might look weird, he didn't worry. He just gave the boy a gentle hug and said, it'll be OK. Very much like Chief Gordon in Batman when he gave the boy a jacket.

59:40Romesh Ranganathan:That's really nice, Tom. Thank you so much. Really. Thank you. I loved it. I really loved it. Thank you. JT, could you take us out with the new Skeptophredic N tune? I don't know if you know it, Tom, but it's really good. It's called Victory Lap. Please take us out, JT. We will see you next time, guys. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. Spud gun tickets available. Spud gun tickets available. And tickets for the Wolf and Owl Tour, which is also tickets available for that as well. Tickets, tickets, tickets. Tickets, yeah. We'll see you next time. Thank you very much. Bye-bye. Peace out of love, people.

1:00:53Romesh Ranganathan:If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you. Fall is the perfect time to refresh and reorganize your space. At the Home Depot, find power tools and tool sets starting at$50 to help tackle DIY projects, home updates, and more. Whether you're drilling brackets to support new shelving or sharpening your hedge trimmer blade with an angle grinder, the Home Depot has the tools you need to check projects off your list. Shop Labor Day savings at the Home Depot and gear up for fall projects with the right tools to keep your projects moving.

1:01:39Romesh Ranganathan:This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and ProPlants.