S4 Ep 37: Body Aches & Hair Transplants

21:09Oh, girls. How is your ball bag? What are we dealing with? What do you mean, how is it? No, is it really like hanging or is it?

21:16Romesh Ranganathan:A lot of people talk about men having conversations. and listen you and I have talked about everything but this is the first time and I never thought it would happen that you said to me how is your ball bag? No but But what do you mean what do you mean how is your ball bag? No but I remember like when you were a kid right and you'd go to the sort of like you'd go swimming or you'd be in the swimming baths or whatever and you'd go into the showers when you know afterwards and you'd see older men and you could almost like you didn't have to look up at their faces but you could tell they were aged by the droop of their ball bag.

21:50Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah it's like the rings on a tree stump.

21:56Oh, you genius. Yeah, it's basically that. So you're looking around and you're like, oh God, he's a grandfather. Where's your bull bag at the moment? How is it? Is it drooping? Is it?

22:07Romesh Ranganathan:Well, I mean, I don't think people want to know this, but what I would say is I'm yet to experience bull bag. You know, like people sort of say, it really starts to, you know, apparently when you hit like 50 which is just around the corner for me you can throw it over one of your shoulders but I've not experienced that yet yours is still like a bag for life with a bit of spring in it it's got some elasticity I don't know why that goes completely apparently yeah I mean I have on more than one occasion tried to put obviously I like doing drag stuff I know you've done a bit of drag stuff, but I don't think you were...

22:51Romesh Ranganathan:I don't know how much you committed to the tuck, but I've pushed them back in to try and do the tuck. You know what I'm talking about? No, no, no. I know what you mean, but I didn't know you went that far. So, like, yeah, so to get rid of, like, your bulge... Right, look. So I'll just show you with my hand here. You push the balls back in, and then you stretch the penis round and underneath and then take it down. Jeez. I have tried to do that. I did do that. Yeah, quite. It's painful. It's unpleasant. And you don't feel like it should be okay. But a lot of drag queens do it all the time, don't they?

23:28Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Crazy. It's dedication, isn't it? It's a dedication to the arts. You can get an operation done on it once you get a bit older just to have your ball bag to...

23:42Romesh Ranganathan:Is it called a scrotoplasty? If I was to guess a name, it'd be scrotoplasty. Yeah, I think it's probably, if it isn't called that, it should be. But they make your skin taut again. Oh, I'd love that. I'd love to make it even more taut and smooth than it was before. Like, completely smooth. Like an apple. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. And then I'd, like, spend my Sunday afternoons, like, getting a real polish on there so you can see your face with it. At the moment, my balls are like, you know, you've had an apple and it's sitting in a fruit bar and it's been there for about eight months and goes, oh, no one's going to eat that.

24:13Romesh Ranganathan:You know, it's got so rotten that you walk into the room, there's like a smell.

24:23Throw it against the wall and it just smashes. It's fruit flies. We'll keep that for Halloween, eh?

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26:39Would you ever get plastic surgery? No, I don't know if I would, no. Do you know what? The hair thing is just the worst thing for me.

26:47Romesh Ranganathan:I know. Yeah, but you... So, I mean, look, man, I've been watching a lot of these, like, people doing surgery. I know Lloyd Griffith has been very... Shout out Lloyd Griffith. His hair line surgery. Shout out for being so open, but also his hair, his mane looks gorgeous. It looks great, doesn't it? It looks great. Yeah. It took on an extra sort of flourish after Grimsby beat Man United. Yeah, yeah. Because he's a mariner. But so would you ever do it? I don't know. It's something that just I look at. When I looked, I was completely like, no, I was like, yeah. And I looked at Lloyd and I thought there was something that changed him.

27:22It was like a click. Like, I don't know if I would. It's just like now.

27:27Romesh Ranganathan:Can I ask? Can we? First of all, can I have permission to talk about this completely? Can I ask some questions? Hit me. Hit me. Of course. Are you sensitive about this area? Because I don't want to like... What, my hair? No, no, no. Okay, so currently... Yeah. So Lloyd's hairline was like here, right? Yeah. And then he like got plugged in. But you're... Am I right in saying you're kind of back here a bit more, right? Where's your hairline? What, where my ha... No, no, no, no, no, no. So my hairline... My hairline... So here is... That would have... That's gone. Right. That would be just bald now.

28:00I'd have like an old... I'd almost have a homerset. it would grow around there and on top I think it would be gone so then

28:06Romesh Ranganathan:have you looked into what they would do to sort of would you repopulate that right the way up until you'd be a bit of a bit of a widow's peak when I was younger so I'd have to now look at like I'd probably try not to have so much of a widow's peak but but I think they yeah I mean I don't know it plays on my head a lot and when I saw Lloyd I'll say that I've seen a lot of people and I Lloyd's if you haven't seen him He's a brilliant stand-up. He's very self-deprecating. But also, when he spoke very honestly about how he felt when he was losing his hair, I felt the same at the time. I'd never have been able to get plugs or whatever.

28:46And I've sort of come to terms with it to an extent. But Catherine, by the way, will often... Even like, yeah, I can't go too... But when I had to wear a wig when we did Legal Around, I sent her a jokey picture. And she was like, oh, God. She sort of makes a joke about the hair. and you just think, oh, maybe... But then also, like, you think... You know, it's... I don't know. You'd have to make a thing about... I mean, look, we both know that, yeah, online and stuff, I wouldn't be keeping it a secret. But I don't know. It plays on my head a lot. I'd just like one more time. You know when you jump in a pool and you come up from the pool and you push your hair out of your back?

29:27It's amazing. I used to love that. I used to have, like...

29:31Romesh Ranganathan:Would you not get one of those little hair systems that you'd glue to your head? No. No, no. Have you seen them? Yeah, I have seen them. They look pretty sick. They look fucking ridiculous. Have you seen someone with one? When I was in Portugal this year, there was a guy, me and my friend Tommy were sitting there and I was like, that guy's hair is one of those stick-on things. He was sitting a couple of beds down from us. I will say, by the way, I've never seen anyone own the look as much as this guy did like he was like it doesn't feel like you do think that no no no no he owned it he was so fucking uber confident but obviously we were at the beach and he was fucking so paranoid kids were sort of splashing and he'd be going hey hey hey mate no no don't fucking watch it watch that and he'd sort of play with his hair and he was playing catch and he sort of every time he caught the ball he'd sort of push his hair and I was like that's one of those stick on that's one of those stick on wig things and Tommy was like yeah I was up at the way he's walking around and it was by the way it was like so grandiose it wasn't far off you know like when you see like a uh like a period sort of drama and the women have got those big sort of beehive bouffons it was probably like three levels below that there was so much swag to it but i think you can get them wet can't you i don't know he was very worried about it okay fine um so you wouldn't do that but then he might have just not wanted it to get wet because he want to mess up his do you know what i mean but i just don't i like it's difficult because i'm not in the same situation but i just think you look great bald like do you know what i mean like i don't think you need hair yeah i know i don't but i just think like one more run at this thing i do do you know what the thing is as well my mom said this to me i used to wear a cap quite a lot when i had hair also i took my hair i cut i had my hair i used to have like you i used to have very thick hair and for a long time I had like a French crop.

31:23I cut it quite short and my mum was like, you really need, you know, one day you won't have any hair and you need to, you'll feel like you know. And I feel like maybe I didn't, maybe I didn't save it. You didn't make the most of it.

31:34Romesh Ranganathan:You wished you had like, you'd grown out luscious locks when you did have your hair. I had curtains. Remember like undercut curtains? Yeah, I remember when I saw the photo. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's, that photo is slightly different. Well you've curtains in the face don't you i've got curtains but i look like a chinese businessman yeah but i mean it's not bad there's nothing wrong with that is it i mean like china no no no no one of the top economies in the world i would arguably say that a lot of bullying takes place when you are a you're a 13 year old boy who looks like a 43 year old chinese businessman at a south london school i mean you know the school went to can you imagine the fucking bullying i was getting from that yeah listen i i can't imagine it went well for you but um you know just based on that photo i'll be honest with you based on that photo i'm amazed that you survived genuinely and i don't mean that figuratively i mean i can't believe you're not dead mate yeah genuinely like i look at that picture and i also said to my mum what we said what were you thinking like look at me and she was like you demanded that style you demanded that style yeah yeah yeah it's bizarre isn't it yeah it is bizarre you by the way we talked about this before you had a cool look I like you had a flex well I was talking with the kids recently and yesterday in fact we were chatting Lisa me and I can't remember who it was two of the boys we're talking about which which ones of the boys are more into their fashion or whatever right because Theo's like become super into his clothes yeah uh alex is less bothered and charlie sort of seems and then um i couldn't believe this well you know when like i don't know if cat ever reveals something to you that you didn't know she thought about you so um she goes to me do you think the boys will like do you think alex will ever get super into fashion i don't think i'll super get into fashion because he's like he's not that fussed about it now and she goes yeah but you like your clothes and she goes and you would look terrible when we first got together i said you fucking what

33:44Romesh Ranganathan:right and this is this is but check this out right so i used to wear when nisa and i first got together right this is this is what i found sort of heartbreaking actually to be honest with you if i can share right yeah i wore a lot of cardigans okay yeah when i first knew you you're always in a cardigan yeah so everyone knew you're a teacher i told you didn't i when i when um i when i was teaching and then i was i started supporting walshie so i was teaching him the day and then going and doing his support in the evenings and once i was saying to him uh i was just chatting and he goes uh anyway when are you getting changed and i said by the way sean walsh has got his own thing yeah he has yeah but then i said seldom can you have someone who can wear clothes like Sean's and he's had that look in the 17 years I think I've known Sean he's always looked like that he's had that look kudos to him anyway he laughed for about I would say roughly five minutes solid at the idea that I was going to walk on stage like that anyway the point I'm trying to make is I used to wear cardigans I thought it was like a cool preppy look yeah but it turns out that was just in my head that's the danger of trying to have a look by the way is that you think you're doing one thing and everybody that sees you thinks you're doing another thing.

35:01I would argue, by the way, that who are you dressing for?

35:07That's what I mean about Sean Walsh.

35:09Romesh Ranganathan:I get it, Tom. No, no, but it's... But that only... I never heard to you and thought, oh, that's Ralph Lauren cool preppy that he's doing. I always just thought, oh, he's had to rush you straight from work. And that's, you know, that's... Yeah, that's a lot. Mate, by the way, I'm not... I thought, when I saw how you were dressed, I thought, oh, you must have had to finish your shift at the Dickhead Factory. So there you go. Doug! Doug! My look was worse than yours. No, it wasn't. Wrong. I dressed like a 13-year-old schoolboy. I dressed up until... When I look back a bit... I will say, by the way, me and katherine had a we were going through pictures with grace from one of katherine's relations we were all sitting in bed the other morning we had katherine's ipad this is the first time we made love this is a video um why's daddy crying it was my first time can you say pegging so we're going through you know like uh your your your device does like a memory thing where it takes you through.

36:22And there's a picture of us on our first holiday.

36:25Romesh Ranganathan:Sorry, are you under the impression that you're doing a podcast with a 95-year-old man?

36:36Romesh Ranganathan:What the fuck are you explaining it to me like that for?

36:50Romesh Ranganathan:so the device has got sorry so the device has got so when you take the when you do the photograph they don't just disappear they're still somewhere No, no, no, no, no, mate. No, my love. They don't. They're still. And then what they do is they combine sometimes. Combine? Yeah, so they'll give you a, so they'll give quite a lot of, maybe like a photo album for a new year. Oh, I love a photo album. We'd have the plastic sheets on there. They were great days. You'd stick them in place and then the family would come round and you'd go, let's get the albums out. Sorry, excuse me, sir. Have you eaten dog shit?

37:36Romesh Ranganathan:What? Oh, I think brushing your teeth is a fad. No, I can tell. My granddad didn't brush his teeth, didn't do him anyhow. We had a full set of teeth till he was 27.

37:53Wowza, wowza. I'd love you to do that character more. Do you reckon? Yeah, anyhow. so we're looking for and there was a picture of um us on our first holiday me and katherine and i've got like what i'd describe as you know the allergy beard the the strap beard yeah we've all yeah we've all had that and made that mistake grace paused on this picture and started laughing like go and look at daddy's beard and katherine was laughing and i was i didn't think it looked that bad and then katherine was like oh my god it was so awful it was such a bad look and i was like but this is when we were first together i had that beard for over the first two maybe three years of our relationship and then i started going into stuff that i'd worn when we used to go out and i was like oh my yeah and i don't know if you remember this but i know for a fact that when we first met i used to wear really really wacky trainers like really i remember i can remember the day we met right i remember you making a joke because i used to wear um uh like jegging type things i had like a pair of like these jeans on and they had they were like a cross-train attractive bottom of the jean they had elastic around the bottom and i had these bright um yellow rebox on and you went oh that's quite a pair of trainers it was one of the first things you ever said to me

39:18Romesh Ranganathan:but you can't by the way if i said to lisa oh you look like a silly old piece of shit when first got together i'm gonna be kathryn has actually always been very stylish that's lisa right she's a star yeah she has actually yeah it's annoying that it's sort of a men you know people like you and me just think oh let's throw some money at it and like that and then like i will say by the way i i i still resent spending a lot of money on stuff clubber like like what i'm talking about is like ridiculous number one no designer of any any big flash designer does clothes in my size it's a ridiculous i've made jokes about this and we've talked about this but i actually just generally think you could get most nice things from high street stores and you can dress them up a bit yeah and i think that that's a look and also you know there's the whole thing about you know without getting too worthy but you know there's the whole thing about environmentally you know you've got to be if you're spending that kind of money you've got to you're really sure you're going to be wearing this thing for like a long time right yeah you know the long gone are the days where you can sort of just buy whatever the fuck you want whenever you want without yeah have you brought many things from primark in your time no but i tell you what i have really got into buying t-shirts from this is not the same as primark but uh i'm about i'm making sure i pronounce this correctly unique low oh yeah yeah oh my god that is by the way the cheat code.

40:46Oh, my God. Unbelievable, right? Yeah. What a place. What a place. Everything there is, yeah. The T-shirts. Yeah, the T-shirts, the shirts, the jumpers. If you're going to go for, by the way, I'd love to redress you in the preppy look. I think we could do the preppy look for you. Yeah, yeah. I've been doing it a bit recently.

41:06Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. Yeah, you do it. I'm not like one, I'm not a sex doll for you to sort of dress up however you want. You know the look I'd love to do? Actually, we should do this. If we can sell out Belfast, we can both dress up. You can say whatever you want. You can say whatever you want now. For the second half of the show, if we sell out Belfast, we will both dress up. You know, like the Japanese schoolgirls with the high socks and little skirts. Are you fucking mad? Why is that your go? By the way, we've not talked about anything like that.

41:46Romesh Ranganathan:No, but that's a preppy look. We'd have those preppy little shirts on. That's not a preppy look. That's not a preppy look. You fucking horrible pervert. Why have you called that to your mind's eye so easily? No, I just think being neutral to that would be funny. It's like a little bit of drivel in your beard when he starts out. You disgusting, fucking horrible. I think we look funny now. Martin, do you know what? I was enjoying this but I think I'll take my leave good day to you I just think that's a fun look for me new you don't like the V-neck jumper little shirt yeah no I get what you're saying I get what you're saying listen you've got your taste fair play to you man no but would you do that if we sell out Belfast we'll dress up like that mate if we sell out Belfast yeah I'll wear whatever you want me to but we ain't going to sell out Belfast speaking of which if you are coming to we should have asked this weeks ago if you're coming to we can actually just say to Martin Claire John Vicky Stuart and Luke who are the people who have brought tickets for Belfast we're not pulling the show but Dublin and Belfast could do with a nudge and by nudge I mean a big old fucking shove but we're not pulling the shows I shouldn't have made that joke we're not pulling the shows don't worry about that we're looking forward to we might be downgrading the or just sort of like yeah reducing the size at a venue to a pub table somewhere.

43:14Romesh Ranganathan:Are we both going to have to move house if the dates keep selling like Dublin and Belfast? Yeah, definitely. It's, uh, it's, are we taking a massive hit to make a, to leave our families and come, yeah, of course we are. Yeah, but that's not your problem, is it? I'm looking forward to it, though. Me and you're the road to Knights of Valla. But anyway, the point is, if you're coming... Also, the other exciting thing, sorry to jump in, because I'm excited about this, anyone who's got any samosa... You jump in when you're excited, you jump in when you're not excited, you jump in when you're breathing.

43:46Let's not start qualifying it now. We need to find out who's got the best samosas in Belfast. Shout out to anyone who, you know, any recommendations.

43:56Romesh Ranganathan:Listen, this obsession with the best, first of all, what we're going to do with them is like, you know, they don't have to be the best. They're just good qualities. They have to be nice. Yeah, I know, but it's not, baking samosas is an art. It doesn't turn it into a bloody competition. Right? Yeah, but I'm just saying that if someone's got a recommendation, if me and you are hitting this samosa trail that you're so keen to do, we need to be grade A samosas. Yeah, we're going to hand out some samosas. And I think at the, I mean, listen, at the Belfast show, we'll probably need two or three.

44:32That would be one extra one for you.

44:34Romesh Ranganathan:In fact, there's a good chance that you might just get an email going, just meet Ron and Tom at their hotel. and they're going to do the show in the reception.

44:49Romesh Ranganathan:No, that's not true. It sold better than that. But anyway. Anyway, the point I was trying to make before Tom jumped in because he was excited is that if you are coming to any of the shows and you've got a problem, a dilemma or something you want to share with the group, please do email in and put the date that you're coming to in the subject line of your email. If you're coming to Hackney, we're doing two dates in Hackney. So can you put down which date you're going to be there as well? Because Hackney has been as popular as Belfast has been unpopular. You know? Yeah. Real regional divergences.

45:30Romesh Ranganathan:Wow. The way you said that was so sexy. And Zoe knew about it, didn't she? What were you plugging on that, by the way? Because you did a lot of plugging, didn't you? I was plugging, well, the Belfast shows and the Dublin shows. My tour tickets, Spudgun, available now. Of course, Spudgun, Spudgun. And also just going in for a general chat. Yeah, lovely. And actually, I will say as well, just, yeah, it was very nice to break bread. It was very nice to chat. I chatted about how incredible I think you are. Oh, you're very nice, actually. Yeah, yeah, very nice, actually. I feel like I wanted you to know.

46:03And, yeah, well, you know how I feel about you, but I wanted you to know. Yeah, very sweet. Really sweet. I adore you.

46:08Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. Zoe said you did some weird stuff off air, but I can't really talk about it on the old POD.

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47:39Romesh Ranganathan:Okay, should we do some emails, my G? Yes, my brother. Okay. Hey, Animal Pack. Wow. My boyfriend and I have been living together nearly two years and I moved in six months ago. All my loved ones live back down south. I was willing to move for love. This is so far so idyllic. But since moving here... Oh, no. But since moving here, the love and affection went away. he also says quite hurtful and somewhat misogynistic things sometimes and doesn't seem to consider my feelings enjoys winding me up but in my opinion it's to a degree that is beyond the fun banter that most that good relationships have it's in a way that almost feels cruel sometimes he never really pays me compliments but has said some things about my appearance and him to pray on my insecurities oh fuck me this house the housework has never been balanced and if i ask him to help and always do so nicely and gently he behaves like a child who doesn't belong doesn't like being told what to do he's also funny charming and handsome but i don't feel it's enough certainly not while all my loved ones live one and a half hours away who i miss terribly i'm thinking about leaving him but almost 37 and to be honest i thought starting over is scary 37 too old for a woman to date and find love again i was always confident in finding partners and now look like i'm worried single men will see me as being over the hill and too old i also don't know the owner homes i feel like i'm not much of an attractive package in that sense hoping for some good old-fashioned wolf owlish advice please thank you the tentative badger um uh i thought sadly I think this is a bit of a common problem and I think it's something I hear about and it fucking absolutely riles me and it makes me fucking angry so and this is just my fucking observation and you do not have to listen to what I'm saying you've messaged in but I would say get the fuck out of Dodge everything you're saying about this dickhead is absolutely you seem like a really special person and if you break everything you're saying down he's not worthy of you You shouldn't fucking stick this thing out on the basis that you think that there's not a better option.

49:34There will be a better option. Being with your loved ones and the people that care about you, who elevate you as a human being is a better option. Waking up in the morning and not worrying about how your fucking other half, the person that should be the most important person in your life, how they're going to perceive and talk about you, how they're going to fucking make you feel is a fucking option that you should not have to go for. No human being should live in a house or live with people that are supposed to love them and may feel, may to feel less than they are. So usually I can sit here and I will try and look from both sides.

50:05In a situation like this, you're in what I would say a very, very, and I don't want to say this lightly, what feels like could be almost leaning into something quite close to sort of being, not abusive, but, you know, it's toxic and it's horrible. And, you know, the idea that he talks about you in such a negative way that he seems lucky to have you. So I'm going to tell you now, do what you can. Like, don't worry about if there's someone else down the road. Prioritize you. Prioritize your step forward. Prioritize the baby steps that you need to take to get you into a place where you can wake up in the morning and be happy with who you are again because you sound like a good person and you're in a bad place.

50:47and generally men listen if you're listening to this and you've got any of these fucking traits inside you wise the fuck up because it's not on oh my god tom i love you man oh that was so that

50:59Romesh Ranganathan:is the sexiest i've ever found you um but in all seriousness uh uh tentative badger so i'm scrolling to see what your name was again um the truth of it is is it doesn't sound healthy it just doesn't sound healthy you you've you haven't said anything positive in this email everything you've said is negative and there might be positive things going on but the fact that you haven't chosen to include those in the email is telling you know the person that you come home to is supposed to be the person that makes you feel better than anyone else in the world when you have a tough day out and about in the world home is supposed to be a safe space where you feel fucking i'm not saying like when i come home that the swan is like celebrating me going oh my husband is back oh i frolic and with joy that he's returned it's not like that but i don't ever feel better than when i'm at home with my family like and that's because you know i'm lucky enough to have a fucking like an amazing partner and you deserve that and 37 is not is no age man do you know what i mean it's like you're not over the hill you know we're near the hill like if you're 47 i'd say get out if you're 57 i'd say get out if you're 67 i'd say get out if you're 77 i'd say get out and thank you for listening i didn't know we'd reach people of that age but but genuinely it doesn't sound like this guy's making you feel good about yourself so um and then on top of that he's not helping out with the house i mean listen i i i i'm very much in a glass house when it comes to this uh regard but what i would say is this ain't the one i don't in my opinion based on what he said in the email there might be something you know i'm loath to tell you something as black and white as that because, you know, there might be stuff going on that lucky is amazing and there might be other...

52:44Romesh Ranganathan:The fact that you've moved suggests that it was good or at least there are good things about it, but this is... It don't sound good to me. You feeling bad about it, you should not feel worse about yourself. You've moved for him and then he's making you feel like this. It sounds shit. It does sound shit, to be honest with you. I mean, listen, if you're a friend of mine, if you're a real good friend of mine and I consider you to be a friend because you've got in touch and you listen to the podcast, I would go, leave today. Get yourself back home. And surround yourself with people that care about you.

53:22My step-namb met my granddad, I think, when she was late 60s. And she'd been in an abusive relationship after abusive relationship. And they had 10 amazing years together. And I always remember sitting with her and her saying, when she met my granddad was the first time anyone had made her a cup of tea like and she had ten great years that she that but she was like in her late 60s and I'm not saying wait what I'm saying is it's never too old but also yeah and also

53:51Romesh Ranganathan:let's be absolutely honest being alone is better than being with someone that makes you feel like shit yeah that's the truth of it this default setting of being with somebody is just a fallacy it's like you should be with somebody if it's a good thing to be with that person. You don't be with somebody just because you're supposed to be with somebody. Do you know what I mean? It's like... Yeah. I just... It just doesn't... There's all sorts of red flags reading this email. So good luck to you. Let us know how you get on. Yeah, please do. And sometimes I say that in jest and sometimes when I'm talking about...

54:25But seriously, like, let us know how you are and I hope everything turns out okay.

54:34Romesh Ranganathan:Okay. We've got one more. You ready? Yeah, baby. This is from The Hungry Hungry Hedgehog. This is another quite serious one, by the way. Okay. First off, love your stuff. I listen every week. Honestly, it's the highlight of my mornings. I'm writing for a bit of advice about my girlfriend's job situation and honestly how to support her better. We've been together for seven years. Things between us are solid. When we first met, she was so driven. She landed a job she loved and then COVID hit. She was let go, rehired, and then let go again. It was rough and left her with a lot of emotional scars around her work.

55:04Romesh Ranganathan:Since then, she hasn't wanted to go back to a proper job. She ended up at a big-name coffee chain, but she hates it on top of everything else. She's constantly dealing with people who grab drinks of someone else's name on them, and they get angry at her when it's not what they ordered. Obviously, it's not yours if your name's not Barry, is it, Keith? It's draining and makes her dread going in every day. At home, she's been really unhappy, and has breakdowns pretty regularly. She's scared to try anything else. Her dream is to work for herself. She's opened an Etsy shop and does artist tables at Comic-Con, selling pins, badges, and stickers.

55:30Romesh Ranganathan:She does really well at conventions. online sales are just one to two a month i'd love to say her name of rexia on here to help her out but that feels unfair for me to do without her knowing i've had to gently tell her that right now it's not enough to cover her share of bills and mortgage and life in general we live pretty simply no nights out no drinking like many others at this current time we struggle month to month which just adds to her sadness i feel a bit trapped i'm doing everything i can to make life good for us both but between money stress and our unhappiness it's hard our relationship is stable but the constant sadness leaves a little room for intimacy or fun even though i'm trying to support her in every way i'd love to hear your advice on what i can do to help her and keep us both afloat p.s you've never listened to this podcast she doesn't get comedians well i can't imagine you know when i hear things like i can't imagine if you're to spin this episode i really don't feel like that would be that this would be the game changer that would make you think you know what i do get them actually i don't think it's snake oil on reflection i really do think it's art go on firstly you seem like a pretty good dude and someone who's who cares a lot about your partner I would say that certainly I think in a situation that you're I've found yourself in when it comes to loss of job and being made redundant certainly once but on a couple of different times can just lead to a real hit to your self worth I think that's the thing that we all um uh we can you can kind of almost sort of bat aside and i think when when you get let go or you lose your job i think there's a the financial implications of losing your job often sort of a very uh at the forefront of your thought and then actually sort of slowly i think it can sort of the repercussions of actually what it means i think personally being let go can uh like like in anything it's like you know any relationship ending can often if them take its time to sort of sink in and if that's happened multiple times then i i completely understand where she's at i think i think i think you're you know you and you're supporting her in a number of different ways and and financially like you know it's a very it's a difficult one because financially you're you're in a situation where times are tough so you know there's a part of me that and i feel very you know lucky in in you know that i've been able to you know in in situations for myself go to something like therapy but actually you know to break therapy down in in it's just getting little bits of yourself back and i think that's the thing when it comes to the situation she's in i think like the etsy shop if if she's going and she's doing well and she's selling uh at comic conventions i think you know it's almost celebrating those little moves forward and those little steps but then it's like you say I think if she again looking at the last email I think if she's coming back from work at the coffee place she's at and dealing with stuff that she doesn't feel like she has the bandwidth to I think it's trying to find something that she does that could help and that doesn't mean you're shooting for the stars or anything but it feels like you're actually just given something where you're going to find some kind of a you that sort of feels like it's disappeared slightly i guess sort of you know reclaiming that part of yourself is important so actually sort of i guess just chatting to her about what she wants to do i think talking and listening is important in a scenario like this it's finding out what she wants next what's what you know but being realistic as well because you seem like a good person and you're you know you've written in because you you've you know you feel like you've exhausted a lot of options but i think i think i think in life we we all try to to make sweeping changes we all have the intention and a lot of those intentions come from a good place with the idea that forever is a long time to be sad but you things take time things you have to slowly walk towards i think if something has scarred you or broken you i think you can put a band-aid on what is a broken leg so to speak but actually that that will always feel you know you're never really really sort of dealing with the problem of recouping and I think actually just working out how she feels and what she feels is a realistic step forward as small as it might be is how you might do it and things might be tough for a time and you know I you know I sit here and I'm very, very lucky of where things are for me.

1:00:13But believe me, I've been in that position. I've lost jobs. I've lost money. I've lost, you know, my self-worth on multiple times. And so has Catherine. We've both been in that situation. And leading up to where our relationship is now, which isn't perfect, we've had to find that time and we've had to find each other and support each other for a lot of that stuff. And one thing that's always never lost on me is just being there, listening, and supporting those those small steps forward and before you know it those small steps will become a run and life will change and you you won't remember what was the breaking moment in

1:00:48Romesh Ranganathan:which things change but they will oh wow you've really been on fire today man really great advice um i think if uh your other half wants to do this etsy thing she should carry on doing it but it's not currently uh a bill payer so your solution in the same way like with what tom and i did is when you start doing comedy is you carry on doing your day job until the comedy starts paying enough for you to leave the day job behind did i do that too soon and my car was taken away yeah absolutely you know i'm not gonna lie to you and tell you that um i i i nailed it um did i make lisa cry because i wasn't able to cover the bills because i went into comedy too soon and left teaching too early yeah absolutely that did happen uh but the point i'm trying to make is is that like it's just a bit of like uh keeping the day job going until you you can make the move and hopefully this this uh etsy thing will take off and she's able to make her money from that um but in the meantime that's not a short-term solution the short-term solution is if she's really hating at the coffee shop she needs to start looking for another job and even the process of looking for another job like the other day job not necessarily the passion job but the day job to keep bills paid um even the process of that will make her feel like she's not stuck do you know what i mean it's you're trying to make steps to improve your situation and just go like i'm gonna my target is to get out of here and do something i actually want to do in the day while this while this etsy thing takes off and the etsy thing might not take off but she might then find a job that actually she's like you know what i'm happy for the etsy thing to be a hobby and this job's actually what to do and sometimes like um i i sometimes think about the other versions of me that could exist and like there is another romesh that could would still be happy as a teacher you know i was like a head of sixth form when i left and did comedy there's another romesh that like would have happily been walking around in his cardigans just sort of picking up children for not having their shirts tucked in and stuff like that it would have been cool equally there's another romesh that would have been working full-time at sunglass hut maybe even an area manager by now you know sort of looking you know and i enjoyed that job as well so it's like finding stuff i doubt because of all the stealing that you'd have made it to those oh listen i would have had about 30 40 pairs of ray-bans and my family would all be fully furnished but you know and also i would have been a frustrated comedian so there'd be so many there'd be so many customer complaints just going um wish he hadn't started doing the stuff uh the observational stuff about my jacket while i was trying on some sunglasses or whatever but um anyway the point i'm trying to make is you either sort of um and this sounds very blunt and horrible but you either go this is my situation and i'm happy to deal with it temporarily or if it's really making you unhappy you change you try and change things if you can and you know it's not i It's not as easy as that.

1:03:50Romesh Ranganathan:But even sometimes the process of knowing you're trying to change it, there's a level of satisfaction in that, you know? But good luck to you. Good luck to you. I'm always slightly loathe to give advice and determination to that because I'm coming from a position of being incredibly fucking privileged and an absolute out-of-touch piece of shit. But there you go. Do you know what I mean? That's not something for you to worry about at 3am. It's something for me to.

1:04:15Romesh Ranganathan:Right, let's wrap this thing up. Boom, boom, boom. Tom D, could you please do us the honour of taking us out? So, friend, what's the time? 20 past 8, you say? Half past 12. Ha! What? It's quarter past 7 already? Where's the day gone? Truth is, it's the only thing that's always moving. Sometimes we think we're moving, but we're actually standing still. Sometimes we look upon a tree and think, has that tree grown? But no, it hasn't. it's just the wind making it stand a little taller truth is the only thing that we can always guarantee the only thing that'll always keep stepping forward second by second minute by minute hour by hour day by day week by week month by month year by year is time before you know it 25 seconds it's gone 25 seconds sorry than 25 minutes 25 hours I probably should have made this 24 actually 25 weeks, 25 months, 25 years you can't put a button on time you can't press pause as much as sometimes you want to just take that click of a moment almost like a photo and go this moment's perfect or press fast forward when things suck and go I don't know if I've got this truth is you've got to own every second you've got to own every minute you've got to be present you've got to maintain the level best playing field of the you that you want to be is see, every second could be your last every minute could be your last so you have to lay down how you want to be remembered as a guy who made the most of the seconds as a gal who enjoyed every minute or somebody who just let time run through their fingers check your watch what time is it friend, shout it loud go on this second okay really good really good I've been getting into a little bit of house music what?

1:06:23Romesh Ranganathan:never did I yeah save it up Dom Dollar please JT it's a great tune please do email in if you've got a problem or you just want to have a chat with us at the Wolf and Our Live shows they start next do they start next week week after yeah week after week i don't know next week i know next week next tuesday belfast next that's the first one belfast yeah oh fuck my life so listen by the time you hear this by the time you hear we're on next week belfast is next tuesday yeah we'll have pulled the rest of the till um right take care of yourselves guys much love to you stay peaceful please if you come to the Burrfire Show email and we're absolutely desperate ok bye bye wolfalport.gmail.com please do get in touch ok bye bye he's doing a grenade link for some reason ok peace grenade of love

1:07:34Save your love for me

1:07:41Save your love for me

1:07:54Romesh Ranganathan:If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.