S4 Ep 43: Live at London’s Hackney Empire

21:11Didn't you know that thing you've always wanted to do with a friend where we tell each other all our secrets? And he trusts me now. And he would feel bad because I'd put him on the spot and I've healed his back. His back's all better. He's like, I can't even remember how we met. And I'm like, I do. You had a fender bender. And then I saved you. And then, anyway, I have this birthday party. What is... You see, the way you talk there was like you were proud of this fictional situation. He went, and I saved you. You didn't. No, but I feel a certain amount of pride in my job. You have to. That's what a massager's job is.

21:48First of all, can I give you just a quick tip? As you're talking to David about it, don't refer to yourself as a massager. That would be another tip for me. If you're trying to get a reputation in Miami as the number one physio in the whole industry, that would be a tip for you. Not a massager, a masseuse. Well, you're a physio, actually. Yeah.

22:12But I'll be like, yeah, I'll sell it up, and I'll say it's going to be a big party, there'll be a load of cool people there, it'll be really fun for some of my other jobs, some of my other walks of life. There's been an air of mystery, because I think everyone will be going, who is that guy? He disappears for time. Where I'm going back to New York to make sure I'm keeping things, plate spinning with Brooklyn, plate spinning with Dave. They both come to my party. When they turn up at the hall, They walk in, there's just a single jar of chutney on a table, and they're the only two guests. And Brooklyn goes, oh, hey, Dad.

22:45And he's like, hey, Brooklyn. And then I just go... And they're like, oh, my God. And he's like, oh, wow, fucking hell, what are you doing here? And I was like, I'm only here to make sure that this becomes this again.

23:02And... I think after all the trouble that you've gone to, to then suggest that they're going to fuck, it's such a fundamental error in your plan. More so than the training to be a physio, more so than making the chutney called Hannah. I mean like they're going to... Maybe I'll just gesture and get them to touch hands like that and go, the father and son bond is a strong one. Don't ruin it from now. And I'll just go, I'm out of here, guys. This is your party, not mine. I'm not even 50. And then as I walk out of the sports hall, David will go, who the fuck is that? Sports hall?

23:46Is David Brooklyn Beckham coming to a party?

23:52That's fucking miles away from where either of them live to come to a sports hall. They don't know it's a sports hall until they're there, but then it's quite nice. David's a sportsman and Brooklyn likes sport. Please come to my party. It's a really posh thing, but it looks like a sports hall. And it's called a sports hall, but it's not a sports hall. They will just be there because they want to celebrate this birthday, right? And I say it's not even my birthday, and I'm sorry to trick you. Just so you know, that's not the biggest reveal of everything that's happened. The idea that you think the big fucking, the big ta-da is that it's not your birthday.

24:30Absolutely incredible. And another sign of your ongoing narcissism, if you don't mind me saying. And then I say, I'm going to leave you guys to it. And then I literally grab my bag and my stuff and I fly back to England. And when I get on the flight, the lady said, oh, successful business trip, Mr. Davis. And I go, I think so. So it's like a beautiful thing and they've come together. And then the next day I get the sun and it's like, my wife goes, oh my God, have you seen? David and Brooklyn Beckham are talking again. And I'm like, hmm, I wonder how that happened. And then she says I'm just gonna bring you the paper even though you'd be gone for a fucking 18 months You've got no idea what you've been up to we've lost the house And why you browned up?

25:15Come over have a massage they'll calm you down. Yeah, it's an interesting plan

25:30I'd love to know what your take is on this situation today that I had. Okay. Just today. Yeah. And I'd love to get your take on this, whether you think this is okay or not. Okay. I could actually have put this in a... Anyway, this is the story. Not a story. This happened. So, Alex... Doesn't sound like it happened now, does it? But it did happen. So, Alex, our second son, he's got a football match tomorrow. Big time. What do you mean big time? No, I'm just saying. I agree. No, but I'm just telling you, you're saying big time like you're confirming to the audience. I think we should do it more.

26:03When someone tells you something they're excited about, it's like, it resonates. No, but I don't think you know what big time means then. I'm like, you... No, if two people know about something, and you go, there's a football match on tomorrow, and they go big time, that means both of them are in agreement that's a big football match. Yeah, it's a mess in my mind. But you don't say it when somebody's revealing the information to you. I think we should say big time more. When you go, oh, I've got an exam tomorrow, big time. What? Anyway, Alex's got a football match tomorrow. Okay. Exciting.

26:36It turns out he needs football boots, right? I know that sounds surprising, but he thought it was indoors and it's outdoors. And they said, you have to have football boots, right? Yeah. And then his football boots are sort of knackered. Okay. So the shops are closed by the time we discussed, just before I left for the show, or we couldn't get there or something. I had to come out for the show, and Lisa was busy running the kids around. So I said, I said, I'll go to town tomorrow morning, and I'll get you the football boots and I'll drop them off to you at school. Wow. And then I'll let you know when they're there.

27:02Good fathering.

27:11So then I head off to come to the show, right? OK. And Lisa goes, are you sure you want to do that? And I go, it's fine, it's fine, I'll pop in tomorrow morning. Good husband, then.

27:28So then, I'm on my way to here. I get a text message from Alex, and he says, what do you think of my new football boots? And he sends me a photo. Lisa has also texted me, and she said, don't worry about the football boots. I was worried that you'd have too much on tomorrow, and I didn't want you to go to trouble. Wow. Which is really sweet. Until underneath the photo of the football boots, I text how come mum got the football boots and he replied she said you just fuck it up wow oh my god she has no trust or faith in you no but I'm also being managed do you know what I mean yeah

28:16what's the character in Coronation Street Gail Platt's mum she went through all this it's such a classic saying it's like Gail Platt's mum You hear it so much, don't you? Fucking, that is classic Gail Plattsman.

28:33It's not Deirdre Barlow, it's the other one. Yeah, do you think it's out of order? Yeah, I think, because I think she's, yeah, I mean, it's a beautiful thing she's done, but also you've lost your moment of rushing into the school and sort of going, just dropping off some boots for Alex Wangenhathan. I'm his dad, he didn't have none. and the teacher going, you are a fucking great dad. And you're like, oh, shut up. And then getting in the car, putting on some sort of... Don't clap. I heard a clap. Go fuck yourself. Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself for that. Put in some fucking...

29:08No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. It's such a cheap... It's such a cheap... Let's get it out in the open. We're doing the live shows. I don't fucking sound like that, man. Guys, who thinks he sounds like that? No, I don't. No, but that's a beautiful moment that you could have, you could tell Alex, you know, his first girlfriend comes around, you're sitting there and you're sort of like, I bet you told him about the time that I bloody had to get your football boots. Yeah, that was a great laugh. Yeah, so it was Tuesday, I believe, and Alex didn't have no football boots. He needed them for Wednesday.

29:51I was going into town. All the shops were closed mysteriously early. So I'd run and get them, bring them to the school gates. Wasn't allowed in the school for obvious reasons.

30:05Yeah, it was a good time, Dad. I just want to know, is what's happening, is it you taking the piss out of me for telling really long, meandering stories? Is that what's going on here? No, I'm just saying it's a beautiful moment. What should I... Hannah, do you think that's out of order of my wife? Yes. Yeah, I think that's a nice thing you could have... You'd have felt positive about it. But what should I say to Lisa? You know what I'd do? I'd go and find a better pair of football boots. That's... What a... I'd get a better pair of football boots, turn up tomorrow as a big hero and go, yo, Alex, don't be playing with those shitty ones.

30:38Have them sign by one of your footballer friends. What? Give one of your footballer friends to sign them. You know, like, I don't know, like Ian Wright or something signs them and goes, Yeah, we'll go. Signed by Ian Wright. I'm not friends with Ian Wright. Well, I know Ian, if you want to.

30:54Oh, that's right. Sorry. For a moment, I thought this was about me. But actually, what it's about is you desperately trying to crowbar in the fact that you know Ian Wright. No, I thought you knew Ian. You go to Arsenal. No, but you know an Arsenal player that Alex would go, fucking hell, they're signed by, I don't know. It's for him to play in a match tomorrow. And also, Lisa's already bought him the football boots. And then I turn up going, step aside, wench. I've got some better football boots for my son. Blow me. No, no, no, but you... I think it's... I love Lisa. I think that was a moment.

31:27You've offered to do... No, but I think it's out of order for her. Yeah. How are you going to deal with it when you get home? You're going to have to say something.

31:41then. Well, OK, why don't you be Lisa? Who do you want to be? Do you want to be you or Lisa? Of the choices of roles that I would like to play in this scenario, I think I'll play Romesh. OK, I'll be Lisa. Hey, babe, how are you?

32:08Is there something wrong? Are you okay? Are you going to ask me how the tour show went? No, I saw on your Instagram. It looked like it went great. It was fine. Tom sort of wasted the first half with this Beckham thing. Oh, that's weird because I think it's kind of cool that he wants to help people. you look good you look nice

32:38have you done something different have you brushed your teeth

32:50what is it you've done something different I've not done anything different actually You look cheeky like you want to tell me something. I do want to tell you something. Well, I want to ask you something, actually. Why is it that you bought the football boots for Alex today? Oh, God. He told you. Well, you told me.

33:14I was so worried about you. You've got so much on your plate right now, and I don't know how you handle it all. Yeah. I love you more than anything. I know. You love me almost as much as you hate Tom. That's not true. Tom's a great guy, and he's really there for you. You should confide in him about more stuff. Why did you buy the football boots? I was worried about you. In what way? As it caused a rupture between us. Why?

33:42Why are you talking like this? I guess it wasn't really about the football boots. It was about me becoming the me I want to be. Do you understand that? What's that got to do with buying a pair of football boots? The football boots were more than... The football bus? It was more than just about football boots. It was about me just being me and just going out and just doing something off the cuff. Something crazy? It's not off the cuff. Alex said he needed some football boots. Why wouldn't you let me fly? I don't think you know what off the cuff means. Why wouldn't you let me fly? Why did you buy the football boots?

34:19To get at you. To get at me?

34:25Sometimes I think you just want to be the hero, and you don't care about the storyline.

34:33I just wanted to get Alex in football, though. Okay. I'm sorry. Why have you... Don't get angry.

34:53Alex told me that you told him it's because he thought I'd fuck it up.

35:01Well, I'll talk to Alex in the morning about making up. I don't need you to talk to Alex about it. I want to know why you said that to him. I was worried that you wouldn't buy him the right football boots, that the football boots that you buy him would be too expensive or too cool, because you're cool.

35:19Do you really think I'm cool? Yeah. Yeah. Like, how am I cool? I don't know. The way you just don't care what people think. You just swim through life on a sea of emotions. You're the waves and I'm the beach. You just crash into me whenever you want. I only really crash into you on my birthday. If you crash into me all the time, there'd be nothing of me left.

35:55You're our hero but you can't save every day Do you think I'm sexy? I think you're a really good dad

36:09And scene, thank you very much

36:16I did a good thing this week and I'm proud of that I did a really decent deed I was going to talk about this last night, but the crowd last night just felt that they weren't as nice as you guys. You feel like decent people. They're not giving any evidence that they're better than last night's crowd so far. No, I mean, the groan that they gave at that would suggest that to you. Well, it's because they know you're just being a manipulative little prick, aren't you? Do you know what I mean? The same thing whenever anybody sends an email in, dear Wolf and Al, this is the best email we've ever fucking got.

36:49I've got to tell you, you're a sweet, sweet son. I'd love to take you out for a drink, love to take you out for a meal. Well, you've taken a shine off how I respond to all the emails now for people who haven't seen the podcast before or heard it. Are you aware of how we deliver the podcast? It's audio. Yeah, but this obviously you can see us, right? Are you asking if they can see us now? Yeah, no, no. That's pretty ableist. We don't know who's in the crowd. There might be people in the audience who are just closing their eyes and listening to it, so it feels like that. That would be such a fucking wild decision.

37:20If you paid for tickets to come to the show and go, do you know what, I want it to be like the regular podcast, so I'm just going to tuck in like this. Yeah, I know they're up there, but I don't really want to think about it. To be honest with you, CNN makes it worse. I'm just going to chill here like this. Anyway, what is it you're proud of? So I went to a national trust. Jesus fucking Christ. I told my mum and dad, Grace, we went to a little message. She didn't want to come. Sort of look into the future, I guess, this. A bleak sort of sat down... How close do you think you are to divorce? I think I'm 50 % closer after the fact that she didn't want to come to the National Trust place.

38:03It's not the sexiest invite I imagine she's had. No, no, I mean, it's hard to make National Trust... I'm sure that people have had sex at National Trust places. There's loads of open space and rooms. Yeah, and also, when you walk around the National Trust spaces, there's often little junctions, aren't there? You go down here for a nice walk, and then there's a fuck route. Down here, I'm at... A hot-dogging spot. Just where you can do a bit of seagull. I don't know what the terminology is. Anyway, I wish I had not said that out loud. Go on, then, mate. So we have a little stroll about, then we make our way to the cafe...

38:40Cafe canteen. I don't know what they call them. Canteen? Well, it's got a... Have you been to that? They're not really cafes. They're kind of canteen-y vibes. Right. I'm in there going through, you know, chatting to Grace about what she wants. I order our food, we sit down to have our food, and at a table just close to me, a guy collapses. Right. Gone, bang, hits the deck. Yeah. Having some sort of fit. I'm not a doctor. Can't say what sort of fit. You're not a doctor. It's good to get that clarified. I did, people that have listened to it are probably thinking, this sounds, Tom's never mentioned it, but the level of intellect he demonstrates, I'm pretty sure he might be a doctor.

39:19I did shout, is there a doctor here? Smart. Is there a doctor? Then Grace is laughing, because she laughs at everything I do, which sort of completely made the whole occasion. Then my dad starts laughing, because Grace is here. I wouldn't describe it as an occasion. No. I would sort of say an incident. We don't take her to many places. A happening, do you know what I mean? So then I'd rush over to the guy and sort of say to him, a doctor's coming, a doctor's coming. So how do you know a doctor's coming? Well, at that point, I'm just trying to put... So your first reaction to the situation is to lie to the guy?

39:53He was in a real fucking pickle. Yeah. Right? So I then sort of roll him onto his side, like I've seen in the films. So you're basing it on stuff you've seen in the films? Yeah. Because is there a doctor here I've seen in a lot of aeroplane films, so I'm assuming you took that from there? Yeah, and then I'm just... I'm at the point where I'm like, I'm going to have to make sure because he's swallowing his tongue. I don't want to put my hand in his mouth. Why not? Well, because I'm about to eat, and then I've got to go and wash my hands. I've got to go to the fucking... Would you not wash your hands to eat anyway?

40:24No, I'd wash them. You'd only wash your hands to eat if you'd hook somebody's tongue out their mouth. You know how hygienic I am. Let's not talk about it. You've been an absolute fucking animal before this show. But anyway, go on. Our friendship has been put to the test. I'm just going to say this. Listen, we get a lot of complaints about talking about toilet too much on the podcast, But can I just say this? We ate quite a lot of food after we arrived at the venue, and there's two toilets in the dressing room area. Tom started his shit in one and finished it in the other. And I've got to tell you, I mean, it's fucking unacceptable.

41:01No, listen, look, I went into Trap One because I thought it looked quite quaint, right? It's a smaller toilet. I get in there, I start going to the toilet, I think this is a bizarre situation, there's a bigger toilet next door. so I rushed next door the bigger toilet didn't just appear it's been I understand if you there was a method to my manager I thought I'll give Rom the bigger toilet because he's got like because he's got what he's the mac daddy the main guy do you know what I mean you're the big you're the prince the king I'm the jester I'm just frolicking about oh if I have the big toilet you're going to go why are you in there get out

41:46you shambolic grifter um out your park anyhow back to this gentleman um so i thought and then then this person comes up behind me sweet gentleman and he's like i'm a doctor like you know and he sort of pushes me out of the way um so you wouldn't let him get to the casualty No, but he was quite forceful. What happened? Did he have a biscuit in his hand? Tucking in? For a little, I'd say he's 60 if he's a day. And he sort of looked like a polished gnome, you see. All this nice clear skin, but very shiny. And he sort of pushed, but he's stronger than I thought. I sort of fell back a bit. Why were you resisting him?

42:27No, because at this point, I'm the fucking guy's next of kin. He's on his own. No, no, what you've... By the way, I was like, this guy's collapsed. He's on his own at a national track. This is a look into my future, potentially. Walking around gardens on my own. Hey, Rom, you coming out? Nah, I've got too much good stuff on. OK. I was like, you can't die here. You can't die like this. When people say you're nearest and dearest to the next of kin, that doesn't mean, like, geographically. Because you're next to him, you're not suddenly his next of kin. I've been there for 30 seconds just like holding his hand and like stroking him.

43:05Can you imagine? I want you to imagine you collapse at the National Trust. You close your eyes and then you open them and it's Tom Davis just going, you'll be all right, mate. There's a doctor coming. I'm your next of kin now. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm also, can I say, I'm two bites into one of the best Cornish pasties I've ever eaten. That's going cold. And by the way, that is a precursor because as Tom said earlier, he was about to eat. He doesn't even consider that eating. That is something that he has as a warm-up before he gets into his main meal. Do you know that you jest, but I had got a jacket potato as well.

43:42Right. So it was a jacket potato and a cornish pasty with a jacket potato chaser. That makes sense. I'd say the chaser was a donut, but anyhow. So I'm there, and the guy... The first responder was a fucking donut by the sounds of it. And the guy said, the doctor's like, like done doctory stuff with him. right like he's looking don't worry mate he's doing some doctory stuff you'll be absolutely fine oh you need his wallet do you um and then he says to me go you know grab he needs a like sugary drink go and go so i said like what what sort of drink he said just a shit i said nothing too fizzy i tried to speak to the guy on the floor so i rush i run over as quick as i can run past the lady i went you put a lot of pressure on this bit now just i'm just i'm just telling you as a If you're a performer, I'll give you his defenders.

44:30You're putting a lot of pressure on this.

44:34The guy over there who's collapsed, I don't know if anyone's seen him. They went, oh yeah, we saw that you were the first responder. He said, never mind that, you might need medical attention. You've run three steps and you're out of breath. I'm acting.

44:50Are you alright? Actually, I need to sit down. So I turn around and say, he needs a shit. I run to the fridge. I get him two little bottles of orange juice. Right. I sprint back and I go, doctor, doctor, here he is. Do you keep saying doctor, doctor? No, I don't know the guy's name. No, but it just sounds like you're about to do a joke. No, but I don't know his name. Doctor, doctor, knock, knock. I've got some orange juice. No, I don't know the guy's name. I can't just call him mate. You could just call him doctor. It sounds like you've made a guess at his name. By the way, I come from a place where if it's urgent...

45:27Sorry for speaking there. So you'd turn around and go, Romesh, Romesh. If I was in my... I wouldn't go, Romesh, if it was an urgent matter. You've got to say it twice. Then you go, fuck it, what's up? If I went, Romesh, you'd go... Romesh, Romesh! What?

45:48Doesn't sound... Let's get it out in the open now. It doesn't sound like me. Who thinks that sounds like him? Well, I'm not going to go off a fucking nest of pricks here. in Hackney to verify that. Right, so, basically... By the way, I'm hoping this story steps up a bit because I have heard nothing that you should be proud of so far. What are you joking? I've basically saved this guy's life. How? Right. How? Because I'm the one who called the doctor. Without me calling the doctor, he's just a guy on the floor having a fit. Right. I then, like, basically give the... I open the orange juice. Give it to...

46:24Now, this is where the movie would start, I think. Okay, you open the orange juice. You have one for yourself. Fucking pasty was a bit dry, mate. Sorry. I stood over him eating the pasty. Crumbs all over him. Is he all right now? I said, look. So he said, gentle little sips, and he's holding the guy's head, the doctor. And he gives him these gentle little sips. I said, there's two here if you need them, mate. and he rips at me it's so tragic that you're in the instance of a casualty somebody's collapsed you're still looking for approval I've got a second orange juice if you need it I can open it just as quick as I did the first one like I'm really good at opening I've opened loads of bottles throughout my whole life I reckon I was four when I opened my first bottle and like everybody in my family said he's the best bottle opener in all of the Davises there'll never be one bottle I can open 2005.

47:21I had a bit of a nightmare of a bottle of brown sauce, but I got over it. A Schnapple, one of those raspberry ones, was looking forward to it anyway. The guy starts coming around a bit. I said, look, nevertheless, we should phone an ambulance. And he said, why have you used nevertheless in this? It makes absolutely no sense in the context. What's happening here? Anyway, once upon a time, I better call an ambulance. So then I helped the doctor pick him up and we put him on a chair. This guy. I'm surprised he didn't go, do you know what, just walk away and leave me. I'd rather it ended. I've got a nice memory of the orange juice.

48:05I do not want to continue. So we set him up and then someone said, oh, God, he doesn't look too good. I said, oh, he's probably a bit embarrassed about what's happened. Why would he be embarrassed? Well, because he's clapped on the floor. Everyone in the cafes stood around. It's like he's putting on a show, but he didn't, you know. It's like this. I mean, to be fair, it was a bigger crowd. Yeah, and then the guy gave him sort of like a little bit of ice for his face and stuff.

48:37And then the average... What was funny about that? Your face. What? I'm just listening to the stuff. You remind me a bit of the guy, actually, who clapped. In what way? Just, you've got that sort of saying nature.

48:51So, um, so then basically, so yeah, so we, you know, he sits up and then he sort of takes my hand, says thank you, and I'm like, hey, I'd do that for anyone, mate. And I go back and I sort of start eating my pasty. He's waiting for his ambulance, which is weird. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. The guy collapses. you get a doctor supposedly you get two orange juices while the ambulance is still on its way you continue eating your pasty this has been like seven minutes there's a little bit of warmth in the pasty it's like cracking a sleeping bag there's hardly anything left in this thing there's no steam coming off it so I'm sitting there and I'm like and it's hard because then he's looking at me going and I'm going you alright?

49:40Good. Start the jacket potato. I didn't even... I'm not even enjoying it at this point. It's just... No, it must be horrible. What a horrible day you've had in the National Trust. But this is where the kicker comes in, right? Right. As I'm fucking... The ambulance comes, the guy's wheeled out. You know, I sort of say, I hope you get better. Jesus. You know, stay well and all that sort of stuff. Stay well. That only works if the person is currently well. It's just collapsed. I shake the doctor's hand and it was like, yeah, great work. It's just started going, it's got fucking crumbs all over my hand.

50:21And then the lady who's running the cafe turns around and says, I'm like, see you later. And she said, oh, you owe me for the orange juices. We had to pay£6 for the orange juices, which I did pay, but I was fucking furious. As I left, I turned to my dad and was like, could you fucking believe that? Basically, I was integral in saving that guy's life. And I've had to pay for the fucking pleasure. I don't want to chase down an ambulance and go, by the way, you owe me six quid. And if I'm honest with you, fucking 18 pounds for the fucking family meal you've ruined. But anyway, so I feel like... And you're proud of yourself.

50:58The gist of that story is you're feeling really proud of yourself. No, because, yeah, look, if that guy's got a podcast and he's doing it, he's going, oh, bloody hell. I was at the old National Trust place the other day. Took a bit of a fall. I wouldn't be fit. I don't want to hear the whole story again. And this lovely big lad came over. He reassured me and stroked me. I thought, you know, initially, I thought he was concerned about my health, but then he was a little bit handsy, if I'm being honest with you. Yeah, I think it was a nice... There's another podcast where somebody's going, I just saw the guy from Wonka arguing about the price of two orange juices, Stingy Wonka.

51:43Times must be hard for him. He hasn't done anything since Wonka, has he?

51:49Yes, I come here with pride in me. I feel like... You come here with pride? I come here, man. I'm like... How often are you integral in a life-saving mission? I don't think you're integral. I think you were a lot like Indiana Jones in the first film. in that your presence really didn't have any effect on the situation at all. He's a lead character, though. Yeah, but in that film, he didn't have to be there. Indiana Jones? Yeah. You're not watching it without Indiana Jones. No, I'm not saying as a film, but what I'm saying... Does everybody know this phenomena? Yeah. Yeah, Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

52:23Yeah, look, number one, thank you very much, because I do think Indiana Jones and me are quite alike in a lot of ways. If I was a teacher, that's probably the vibe I'd carry. Hmm, but like he is integral to that film you know not to the first one Okay, break this down for me. So I've never had this for no I'm gonna break it down for you But essentially if you watch that film right as it is yeah And then you imagine that story if Indiana Jones wasn't there exactly the same load of stuff up Arrogant but sometimes you need a charismatic hero the doctor if you'd seen him was quite beige to a chat He would...

53:01They needed someone to grab it by that bottle, not him, the guy. Tom, Tom, how many times do I have to tell you, stop describing ethnic minorities as beige? It's not... I know you think it's all right, but it's 2025, mate, all right?

53:26How have you been? What's been going on in your life? Well, I'm kind of... Basically, last night, I described a scenario, and I won't tell the whole story again, but basically, at the end of the day, what happened was it turned out that my wife doesn't trust me. Yeah. Not because he's been like a scumbag, but just with tiny little things. Basically, I said I was going to... I'll tell you it very quickly, all right? Because it continued on today. Oh, wow.

54:04OK, so yesterday, my second son, Alex, needed some football boots, right? But he needed them... It was too late to get them, and then I said... And he was playing his football match today, and I said, tomorrow morning, I'll go and get the football boots for you, and then I'll drop them off at school for you, right? And he said, you don't have to do that. I said, no, it's fine, I'll do it. I'll do it, and I was supposed to do it this morning. So anyway, on the way to last night's show, I get a text message from Lisa saying, Ron, don't worry about getting the football boots. I've got them for him.

54:43Don't worry about it. I thought you'd have too much on tomorrow, what with the show and everything, you've got bits and pieces. Beautiful sentiment from a lovely lady. And then I got a separate text from Alex with a picture of the football boots, and underneath it said, Mum got me the football boots because she said you'd only fuck it up. Right, so...

55:05So, obviously, those are two different sentiments, and now I'm thinking, like, my wife is fucking mugging me up. There is a good chance I would fuck it up, right? I do understand that, but don't tell him... Don't let it on to my children, do you know what I mean? Because, like, in a way, Alex is running in and going, oh, my God, Dad's going to buy me some football boots, and Lisa's like, oh, he'll probably just fuck it up.

55:38That was such a disrespectful impression of my wife. No, but like, that's no, I'm just giving, I can't do your wife. He'll only just fuck it up. What was that? So they know I'm changing characters. What the fuck was that? Like that. She's classy. I don't know if that's classy. That's for me, classy. That's classy to you. That's what I'd say. If I saw someone like that, I'd go, fucking hell, give me some champagne, I'm in. So when you see Lisa, you think, give me some champagne, I'm in. No! No, and by it, I mean company's going to be great, we'll have a right laugh. That's not what people, when people say, I'm in.

56:17Yeah, I realise that as the words are coming out of my mouth, that's just my way. They tumble out and sometimes I can't get them back. Anyway, last night we sort of talked about that I had to confront Lisa about this. Did you confront her in the way that I suggested? Well, I thought you made it quite sexual and horrible. But did you go back with her? I did, I talked to her this morning about it. Oh, wow. How did it go? And I said to her, look, I know that you... Hand on the lower back? Pardon? Hand on the lower back? Yeah, like a reassuring hand on the lower back. I don't know. What's the level of affection between you and Kat?

56:57Oh, I'm going to say, a hand on the lower back is an affection. It's just like, hey, you alright? Yeah, but if I sat down next to Lisa and just, apropos of nothing, put my hand on the lower back, she'd go, are you fucking all right? No, look, stand up. It's like this. I don't want you to put your hand on my lower back. Come on, stand up. Come on, come on, come on. Give the people what they need. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Guys, this isn't OnlyFans Live. You're not allowed to just... Put your hand on his back. We want to see it. Then undo his belt slowly. What happened if they had sex? We want to see it now.

57:34Recreate it, monkeys. Right. What I mean is a gentle this. You're... You're... This is how low the level expectations are. You just cheered somebody getting up from a chair. You're Lisa. You're Lisa, right? You're just at the breakfast bar.

57:53You all right? Yeah. Just wanted to talk to you about last night. See you. You're after a bit. Oh, Jesus Christ! Wow! No, I did. I was doing a recreation. I was doing a role-playing. Did you touch it? That was weirdo. You cupped it gently. No, because the truth is that, you know, I didn't want to damage it or anything. So hold it. So you go up. There's no back touching. That wasn't worth it, was it? but us getting up, objectively speaking, that was not worth it as a thing. So you go up, so is your voice shaky, or are you confident? It's not shaky. You're not a confrontational kind of beast. So you've come in, you're confident in what you're saying, you've written out what you're saying.

58:39I've not written out what I'm going to say. Okay, you go in, Lisa's there, she's... Well, I decided to lay a trap. Oh, my God.

58:49So I said to her, that was really sweet of you, going and getting the football boots. What is it that made you do that? Because I thought, let me, if I prod a little bit, she might own up. And she said, I just thought you had so much on. I really wanted to look out for you. If this was an episode of EastEnders, I'd be like, Bianca, no. And then I said, is that right? Oh, not like that. I think I have a hand on her throat. No, no, I'm joking.

59:27Why am I laughing at that? It's a horrible... So, you aggressively trap Lisa. What did she say to you? She said that, what I said. Oh, did you then? Yeah, I said, did you? She goes, yeah, yeah. And then I said, it's interesting because Alex said to me... that you thought I'd fuck it up. Oh, wow. So you threw Alex under the bus. Well, where else am I supposed to say I've heard it from? Just say, like... The guy working at the sports shop got in touch with me randomly. Tell that, all damage, just go, yeah. Yeah, Darren from the... Darren from the what? No, listen. You want to come up with a better strategy, tell me, what is it?

1:00:11Am I you? You're Lisa. I'll be you. OK, you're Lisa. I'm Lisa? Yeah. OK, if I was casting this, I don't think I'd make me Lisa and you me. Cos I'm me. Arguably say the hardest cast I've ever gone up for is up against you playing yourself. Yeah, fair enough. But you've given yourself the part. Yeah, no, no, just to give you an idea of how I'd roll. OK, go on then. Hey, baby. Hold on, hold on. Sorry, just one second. I don't know if anyone else heard this. We're just about to start doing it. Somebody over there, a lady, I believe, just went, yeah who did that you're all for it okay well you're all for Tom being me and me being Lisa okay oh wow it feels like you've had this fantasy you've been sitting on it for quite a while and it's sort of come off you anyway look brother who's a little spoon I think we both know that come on okay before we get into this I'm actually the little spoon thing I just want to talk about this yeah go do you do you we've talked about this I think a bit but do you spoon cap cap whatever it was been hearing in there every night do you spend no no every night it'll be like a treat okay I'm just sat there after the boxing and a pizza after the Dave Allen fight this week we'll have a spoon.

1:01:39Yeah, we're not every, I mean, sometimes we've got fucking Graces in the bed, and then, yeah, they're spooning, I'm just on the outside, just looking in. Like Bob Cratchit at Scrooge's window. Okay. Are you and Lisa still spooning?

1:02:00I actually, I've got to say, I'm sorry. You've got a weird fucking thing. I don't know if we talked about this on the podcast. You sleep on your front, which is insane. And by the way, it's the most maverick, dangerous thing you do. I sleep on my front. You shit in two toilets in one go. Yeah, but... And I'm the weirdo. But do you not know the health risks of sleeping on your front? No, tell me. It's really dangerous. Let's have a real dark ending to the first half. What are the health risks? Is there a doctor in, as Tom Davis said at the National Trust? By the way, any doctors... Yeah, we've actually got a doctor.

1:02:31Holy shit, okay You might be the doctor from the other day is you Always not him you're right I make He is beige though

1:02:45You tumble holy shit come on man has mom Yeah Thank you for coming in. So thank God my mom's not there was a tamal boy in there actually a doctor Something I himself you useless clown piece of shit

1:03:04So, what's your name, sorry? Cumran. Cumran. So, Cumran, can you tell us, is sleeping on your front really dangerous? If you're under a year, probably.

1:03:23You really are a fucking idiot, aren't you? I've read, I swear, I'm going to Google this in the break. Yeah, no, you're right. Let's ignore what the doctor said, because you've got a gut feeling that it might be different from what the qualified doctor said. This is the problem with people nowadays. A doctor, that is a doctor, who has said, he's said it, we've actually heard it, we've not even reported it, we've not read it anywhere. He's sat there, and he said, if you're under a year, and you've got, no, I'm not sure about that, mate, actually, I'm going to, I think I'm going to do some of my own research, actually.

1:03:58I'm going to get a second opinion, I'll call the guy from the... You're exactly the reason people think people are giving refugees iPads in the fucking hotel. Anyway, go on. So, yeah. So, are you a spooner? Am I a spooner? No, do you like a spooner? Okay, listen, I'm slightly embarrassed to kind of share this. Because, you know, as you... Lisa and I have been together for 15, 16 years now, right? And your relationship evolves. So you met when you were 34?

1:04:32What I liked about that was you wanted to slam me, but you couldn't do the maths quick enough. That's... I was really trying that. It was the quickest I've ever done that. So what does that make you? Carried a one, and there's two left over.

1:04:52But obviously, for example, without getting too sad about it, Sex is more infrequent, I would say. Yeah, I mean, that's... Yeah, it happens, doesn't it? Other stuff gets in the way, like, per PT. But, um...

1:05:12No, in all seriousness, though, basically, when you first get together, when you're first in a couple, you sacrifice your own comfort for the... You just want to show that you're in love with each other and there's that kind of... And then gradually, as the relationship develops, your own comfort, sort of... You're comfortable enough with each other to just go, actually, I don't... And you do that in other ways, cups of tea, make them a nice meal and stuff, right? What do you mean? Well, you do different things to show them you love them. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah. You do cups of tea, coffees, and make drinks and food and nice things for Lisa, right?

1:05:45Um...

1:05:49Have you been speaking to Lisa? No, I don't make nice meals for Lisa, no. Maybe I will be Lisa in this roleplay. I'd forgotten that we were doing a roleplay, to be honest. The roleplay... What happened was, we started to do a roleplay, then you ignored a doctor's information, and then I got distracted. So, OK, so what's happening in this roleplay? Um... So I'm going to be you, and this is... You're going to be me. This is how I think you should have... OK, fine. OK, you're Lisa. Hey, babe.

1:06:28You were restless last night, weren't you? Hi, Ron. Can I... I'd love to carry on our conversation that we were having the other night about the 20 reasons why we think Tom's a c*****.

1:06:40Well, you should have seen what he did last night. He sat in two different toilets. But actually, it'd be fair, he saved a man's life.

1:06:56This whole fiasco with the football boots Yeah It's not really a fiasco is it I went Alex needed some football boots Shhh For a second Dude if I If I told Lisa to shush I would be fucking Incapacitated But anyway go on let's carry on And yeah I will have some shreddies

1:07:22Listen, the whole situation of football boots where you said to me you'd done it as a favour Just before you carry on

1:07:33Why do you do that podcast with that thick bastard? I feel sorry for him Yeah He's quite lonely, he's been hanging out in National Trust Houses on his own a bit like a superhero waiting to save people. It's quite a hollow existence. Yeah, I do feel sorry for him, but why does he smell like that? I'm just doing stuff that Lisa's asked me. I think he's just trying to find a toothpaste that works. Anyway, it's not really about Tom and all the lives he's saved. It's more about us. I had an awful situation this morning. I woke up and I forgot you'd brought Alex's football boots so I sprinted down to Sports Direct.

1:08:23Is this... Sorry, is this supposed to be how I'm supposed to handle it? Yeah, like this. So basically sort of transforming to a complete bellend. OK, go on, carry on. And I got chatting to Darren. You know Darren. No, I don't know Darren. Liz and Keith's boy. Sorry, Romesh. Where do you think we live?

1:08:52Because I think you think we live in 1987.

1:09:00Darren had got himself in an awkward... Who? Darren, listen, Keith's boy. Right. He got himself in an awful tiz. What happened? Why are you using the word tiz? I've never heard you use the word tiz before in your life. It's the only descriptive noun I could use for this situation. Why are you saying things like descriptive noun? You know it makes me horny.

1:09:24Anywho.

1:09:29Darren starts rattling off a story of a woman who came in yesterday saying her husband was a bellend. He wouldn't be responsible enough to buy football boots on his own. He'd probably fuck it up. I asked him, what did she look like? Can I ask a question? Why are you sort of turning into Alan Carr? All I like is comedy, and he's a straight-up kind of guy. Anyway, I said, Darren, what does this woman look like? And he described a beautiful lady. A full-sleeve tattoo with... A full-sleeve tattoo? A dolly on a chain, her hair scraped back, beautiful big blue eyes, and I thought, oh, hold up. That's my Lisa.

1:10:16You've met Lisa? Yeah, they have, but I'm doing this. This is a role play. It's a hair scraped back, full sleeve tattoo. So Lisa, I beg you to ask you, my darling, my sweet, my girl. Was it you who said these words to Darren?

1:10:37Keith and Sue's boy. I thought it was Liz and Keith. Well, it's sketchy. Keith had been seeing a lot of women about 20 years ago.

1:10:55See, that's what I'd have done. And then she's not going to blame Alex. So they couldn't even bring themselves to applaud that. But she's not going to... Because what's happened now is poor Alex gets home from school and she's like, you little weasel. telling you scratching me up to your dad you know what he's like when he gets angry

1:11:23anyway

1:11:29I didn't talk to Lisa about it like that I just said to her in all truth I wasn't really that pissed off I thought it was quite funny so I said to her I mean, it has been a story that's carried over for two nights. Yeah, for sure. There's a level of anger in you. No, I'm not angry, but it's just, you know, we sort of talk about what's been happening to us, and that's what's happened to me. Yeah, I know, yeah. And anyway, I think that things like that are leading to my children not respecting me. I think you need to do something for them to respect me. Fuck you, by the way. Oh, you know what we could do?

1:11:58I've got a plan. We've got to wrap this up. One of these sweet souls out here, right, Right? We hatch a plan where you take your family to a National Trust house, right? Of a Saturday, right? You get up there, you get your cheese and onion pasty, whatever you get, right? You're sitting there, the boys going, cool, it's a lovely house. Aren't olden day things pretty? Right? And then, whichever of these people auditions and is the best actor, fucking falls over, collapses. Hold on, how are we going to conduct this audition, by the way? Well, they can send in audition tapes. So they're going to send in audition tapes, and I'm going to review these audition tapes, and then that person goes to the National Trust.

1:12:39Yeah. And what are they auditioning to do? Collapse? They collapse. Okay. You jump up and go, we need a doctor! We already have a doctor. Hold on, what do you mean? He's going to be with us? Well, of course. Would you come for the National Trust to help Romesh? Are you paying? Yeah, of course we'll pay, yeah. Well, yeah, we'll get the orange juice for it. We'll pay you more than the NHS do. I'll guarantee you that. Hello, a little bit of topical. So he's a part of the saving, you're a part of the saving. It's a beautiful thing. And your boys look at you and go, fucking up, that was just like Tom, you saved that guy's life.

1:13:13You're like, hmm, exactly. And Lisa's like, boy, you were fucking sexy as you gave that person orange juice out of the sippy cup.

1:13:29Order restored to the Ranganathan house. And then I just put my old sack over my bag and move on to the next town

1:13:46Tom yes, it's about that time It is the tradition on the wall for now for you to wrap things up. So please friendship. What did you do? Okay? I I do love you, my friend. Love. Funny thing. What is love? AKA, is it a drink? You can drink too much, become drunk on love. Thus, not get enough and be thirsty for love. Absolutely. Is there a perfect measure of love? I don't know, friends. All I know is this, that every now and again, you found yourself surrounded by it. Maybe in a wedding or a new flat. maybe in a hallowed theatre surrounded by what feels like strangers. But no, alas, these aren't strangers.

1:14:35They're friends that you've conversed with time after time. And how do you thank these people? With a handshake? With a cuddle? With a kiss? Weird.

1:14:47Or with a tasty little treat? Some vegetables spiced and wrapped in a pastry surrounding? In a samosa? So for a few small amount of you, we will thank you with indeed one of those. A dry samosa from a local takeaway. Ladies and gentlemen of the Animal Pack, thank you so much, so much for coming out tonight. Here, Robbie Boy. Bless each and every one of you. Thank you. God bless. We're going to finish the show by handing out 20 samosas. In your mouth, in your mouth. You rich. Oh my God, you're actually doing it. Oh shit. Have another one. Have another one. Take this one, take this one, take this one.

1:15:28Oh, wow, wow. Thank you so much for coming to the Wolf and Owl, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. Please give it up for Tom Davis. Robert Trang and Opham. Give it up for Rob Percy. My guy. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. We've been the Wolf and Owl. Good night.

1:15:54if you have a problem opinion feedback or anything at all please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com that's wolfowlpod at gmail.com we'd love to hear from you mainly because we don't have any content ideas thank you