S4 Ep 50: Live Tour Highlights Pt 1 - Glasgow

20:19I can have biscuits. No, you're aggrieved to give me them. Well, the reason I was aggrieved to give you them, Tom, is that we put out enough for everybody and you ate every single fucking one. Do you remember? Yeah. One of the kids came in to have one. There's just some crumbs sat on your chest. Sorry I've taken my two-shirt off, Lise. I wanted to get greasy. That's a right term, I like it. I just find having people around for dinner is difficult, do you know what I mean? I think going out for dinner's good. It's more expensive, obviously, but it's just that you know that it's going to finish.

20:55By the way, do you pay for everyone or do you go Dutch? Do I pay for everyone? Like if you're out and you've instigated the dinner, do you at the end go, I've got this. I'm all right. It's all right, Dave, mate, I've got this.

21:13Put your money away, mate, it's no good here. Waiter. Waiter, this is on me, me and my new friends. Sorry, in this discussion, that's you like why why have you described exactly that behavior and suddenly you've done an impression of me doing exactly what you've been talking about no i don't pay for everyone no of course you don't you don't pay for anyone when we were in manchester doing the show you ordered two tables they had to i've talked about this before on the podcast we had a curry they to bring over a second table to take the food. I got so excited. It's a tapas. I've got to say, tapas, by the way, I think it should be illegal to have tapas with these-sized tables.

21:57They didn't have this-sized table. It was a full-sized table. It was a full-sized table. Yeah, but in this situation, it was, yeah. I mean, that is not a table for you. That's a fucking stall. Like, they're not going to give you that. I've been at tapas restaurants, where you get one of them, and you're like, I don't know what I'm going to do here. You've got to eat it so quickly and keep the plates going like that. Like playing one of those mobile sushi games. Like a train going round. Yeah. Go again.

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23:38So you invite people for dinner? Yeah, I like people over. I like it. I like going out as well with new people, breaking new ground. I like meeting people and hearing their story and being around new people. I think it's a nice thing in life. So hold on. Are you in the market for friends? Yes, massively. I'm sniffing around. I'm like in a nightclub where you see one fucking desperate soul looking around for someone to kiss at the end of the night. That's what I'm like with friends. And I think it's stinking off me. We went to Gracie's Open Day the other day and I was that sad dad, just sort of laughing around.

24:13Just get this clear, it was the parents you were trying to make friends with, wasn't it? I was walking up and going, hello mate, what's your name then? What are you, year six, year seven? Do you want to come round and see a fox?

24:30So what were you doing? Just fucking banal sort of chat, just trying to sort of like integrate. I knew for a fact Catherine just sort of like went like that. Catherine did it. She went to me, that's a bit fucking needy. What did you do? I was having football banter and it was, oh God. What's wrong? Because you know when you think about something and you realise how fucking pathetic it was. So I was chatting to this guy, we were chatting about another dad and we were chatting about football. He was a West Ham fan too. And he went, oh nice meeting you mate, I'll see you later. And I went, see you later mate.

25:06And as he walked off I went, Irons.

25:15I can just picture Catherine going home now and getting in the garden. She's in the garden now going, and then when he walked off, that big slug just went, and that's why I'll never have sex with him again. That would be enough for me to not, like, if I didn't know you and you did that, that would be enough to never contact you again. Really? Yeah, and people think, like, when I talk like that, that I don't like people. I love people. I think people are great. But I just feel like it's just difficult, isn't it? As you get older, I mean, I don't really think I've got any friends now. Well, that's a bit insulting.

25:48Yeah, but... I mean, obviously, I love you, you know, very much, but this is a monetary thing, isn't it? Yeah, of course. For both of us. Yeah. But you... No, but you've got friends. There's a whole phenomenon, isn't there? As you get older, you sort of lose friends or you sort of drift or whatever. but do you not ever think like you'd like someone who's just sort of outside of this business which is all quite hollow you'd like someone that you could just sort of you know have like a brief are you making the move on me now what's i've already had you as a friend you're my most beautiful friend you're you're like my friend wife how do you mean well if i if anyone's having like my best friend the friend that i adore if if i'm on the titanic and all the people i've ever Nona there.

26:34Obviously, Grace and Catherine already on a lifeboat. I'm searching around because has anyone seen Romesh? I want to save you. Oh, fuck off.

26:48Has anyone seen Romesh? I think it'd be funny to fry him overboard and try and ride him like a raft. You're down below with Lisa going, just romp before this thing goes down. We're like the old couple, you know, just trembling. Please, just one last French kiss before we die. Get off me. I can get on a fucking lifeboat, you c***. Yeah, I just don't think I'm in the market for friends, really. You know, look, you know, and if we... What about tonight, like, you're leaving here, like, just give you a scenario. Yeah, please. And you're just sort of, like, lurking about by the bins. What is your obsession with foxes?

27:28No, like, you're throwing some rubbish out from my dinner. I'm throwing the rubbish out from your dinner. I'm doing something else. I'm doing something that's a sweet thing for you. I'm cleaning your trainers. Right? What a weird hypothetical. OK, fine. Carry on. Come out. There's a guy lurking about. He's got like an Arsenal jumper on. He's reading a book like, I don't know, like a really cool book. So there's a guy in the alley wearing an Arsenal jumper reading a book. No, like a maths book. Right?

28:07Do you know what? That is what you think of me, isn't it? Let me think what Rom's into. Like, Arsenal, who used to be a maths teacher, probably likes numbers. Yeah, one of my favourite things is to read maths books. How did you know? I just sort of, oh, I wonder how you'd solve that one. And he's got a cool pair of trainers on, all right? So, maths book, Arsenal jumper, cool pair of trainers. This might be a mirror. And he's eating like a vegan sausage roll or something, right? Fucking hell. Okay, go on. So, you go out and you come out and you're like, what would you say to him? Nothing. What?

28:50Okay, he starts off conversation. He's like, oh, hey, man, cool shoulder, mate. Why is, why, why does he sound like that? Because in my head, you haven't got many Americans, We haven't got any friends, but an American friend might fucking tip the scale. So I... Because in my head, you'd come out and go, fucking hell, you're American? Yeah, man, I sure am. Oh, what?

29:16Don't... Don't... Don't...

29:22Don't you dare fucking applaud that again, you prick. I'll be rock-shilly American in an alley. Yeah, so... So in a Glasgow alley, I meet a guy wearing an Arsenal jumper, reading a mass foot with cool trainers on, who's an American. Eating a vegan sausage. Eating a vegan sausage roll, sorry. OK, so I come out. What am I doing? You're throwing out some bins. I'm throwing out some bins. Post-show. Just say, for example, you've been sick after the show, because you enjoyed it so much. You made me smell your chest to see how much it smells of chicken. Okay, go on. Yeah, so he's like that. He's like, oh, hey, dude.

30:06Hey, man, great show. Didn't know what to think of it, but that was funny, huh? Do you often, after a show, just go to an alley to read? You know something? Oh, by the way, I know who you are. You should probably ask my name.

30:32it's quite a forward way to start a conversation isn't it i'm a forward guy the way i see it is life is a motorway okay well done for not saying like a box of chocolates which is the direction you're headed oh wow forrest gump's a funny guy huh it's funny if you look at history books there's no mention of him yet he had this life which is extraordinary my name is jill i've

31:02What is your name? Jill Huntsbagen Jill what? Huntsbagen Huntsbagen? Yeah Nice to meet you And you're under the impression It's Dutch Irish And you're And tell me, Jill Are you under the impression that Forrest Gump was a documentary? Well, either a documentary Or that guy was a big stupid liar Anyway, it's great to see you You were in your element up there. It was beautiful to see. Sometimes when I get bored after a show or I'm waiting for a bus, I crack open a mess book and solve some conundrums. And how many buses stop in this alley?

31:44Well, I don't know. There hasn't been that many areas so far. Yeah, I think you're going to be waiting quite a while, Jill. Don't you think alleys are funny, huh? They're not roads and they're not not parts, but they said way more But they said what part of America you from Jill well, I've done a lot of traveling sir I was in the army you see really what did you what us Marines okay

32:17That was her favorite bit the marine bitch absolutely fucking lost her shit sounds like she's pissed herself Okay, you're in the Marines, Jill. Mm-hmm. Did you see any action? Yeah, I sure did. Every day was an action day, apart from Tuesdays.

32:35What happened on Tuesdays? Oh, I usually took a Tuesday off. So in the Marines, you're allowed to choose your day off, are you? So you're in combat. Yep. And then on Tuesday, you go, I'm just going to have the day off. Well, you can do it on a Wednesday or... Thursday, Friday. I know the days of the week, Jill. Thank you. And what do you do now, Jill? Oh, well, now I stumble from city to city. You might think this is pathetic. I think I might. Well, I guess I just... I'm looking for my Moby Dick. A friend who's got the same interest as I. I don't know. Humorous. vegan who likes maths, supports the greatest goddamn football team God ever made, and likes trainers.

33:33It's weird that you're American and support Arsenal and call them trainers, isn't it? Well, I love English culture, like your humor. Like you, for example, so cold and frosty. But yet there's something in you that yearns for something different.

33:54You remind me of my old corporal.

34:00I'm going to ask you this question, and I'm going to believe whatever you say to me, Jill. Did you fuck your corporal?

34:12So, you want to get a drink?

34:23Yeah, I don't think... I mean, I entertain that for the sake of the role-play, but I wouldn't talk to somebody in the alley. You wouldn't talk... Oh, man. I'm trying to think of what would have to happen for me to sort of really... Chat to someone different. No, I'd chat to people. I would be friendly. But to then take that to mean let's hang out feels difficult. I had two people at my wedding who were there. Congratulations, that sounds like a big one. So, was it? It's a cat and somebody you paid to be a witness? A guy we met on the way over there. No, no, that I'd met and I'd become friends with.

34:54Sorry, Tom. It's not that remarkable to be friends with two people that were at your wedding. No, no. Who did you invite? Two people that I'd... That had a sea of friends and family. Right. Oh, God, I'm getting emotional. You OK? No, no, no. Some of that chicken's repeating on me. I sort of feel like I've got to run into chicken on grats. Tall manager, he also had the chicken. Some of it off my chest.

35:22No, but two people I've met in circumstances. One on the train, I've got chatting to on the train. Oh, I see. Sorry, I know I understand. Two people that came to your wedding. Which I'd met, who I'd just met in the street and become friends with. That's why I miss pubs the most. I used to love it. I don't think pubs are the same. I used to think pubs are amazing. You used to be able to walk in a pub before social media. Sounding old now. Oh, no. Listen, they've changed. You go in there, you can't see a single white face anymore, can you? And you used to be going, we'll go in and just chat to people you didn't know.

35:53And before you knew it, you know, your friends, someone would turn up. Sometimes your friends wouldn't even meet you there and you'd end up with... That I don't find surprising. And you'd end up just going out with a load of random people getting smashed. Not like that. It doesn't sound like you just meet up with a group of random people. No, you don't meet up with them. You don't put yourself on, like, hinge and just go looking to meet with you. Like, it just, just let, I think I'd love to see you just be like the twig on those sort of shoulders of a mighty river and just go with it. Is there a group of people here who'd want to take Romesh out after?

36:29The whole auditorium. Sorry, that's really nice of you. But let's just think about the reality of that. So you watch the show, you go to leave, and then I go, Oh, hello. I just wanted if I could join you for the evening. That's fun for about 30 seconds. Do you know what I mean? Mate, you are more fun. I'd say you've got 20 minutes of good fun in you. Thanks, man. That's joyous. And then it would be a bit awkward. Yeah. I think it would not be as cool as you think. Because a lot of the times you're offering people to go out for pints with them and stuff like that. Yeah. You'll often say, because Glasgow is quite friendly, isn't it?

37:04It's a great city. Yeah, I don't like that. Really? No, I'm joking. I do love Glasgow. But you know that sort of... You know like when people sort of get into chats with strangers, I find it quite anxiety. I love it. Do you? Yeah. I'd say it's probably my hobby. That's one of the things I enjoy most out of life. It's the thing I'm better at than anything else. I just think that, yeah, just having a chat with someone you've never met. And that handshake as you leave. Hard and assured. When's the last time you made a new friend? Er... We when you actually know what Rob Percy has become a dear friend in the last since Yeah, since we started this tour.

37:48Well, personally someone I'd much very much enjoy his company I mean at the side of the Scotch-Ed thing I'd say well well Percy a month ago I knew of him of his legend and now I look at him and go that's a friend. Yeah, I I'm not convinced you know what friend means because Rob is being paid to do this tour. I don't know...

38:20He was forced to get the train with you because he's got to come to the show tonight. Can I just tell you the sad thing? You've told us quite a few sad things. I love sad stuff. Rob said you didn't have to get me a seat. you can see next year.

38:44When the train got delayed, I was like, at least we're sitting there together. And he went, yeah, you didn't have to. But yeah, Rob Percy would be someone. Okay. Good for you. When was the last time you made a friend, a new friend? You were chatting to the guy, not the guy in the alley because that was made up. Although he did like you. and if you want me to role play that character I can what do you mean, what character? the guy from the alley, Jill you've just done it? yeah but if you ever want me to do that in a private time I can like a married couple if our relationship ever gets a bit tiresome I could become Jill for you I'll hire a sort of marine's outfit

39:30no, thank you Well look, it's almost the end It's actually time to end the first half I just want to ask you one quick question So I don't know what you think of this as an audience But I just want to throw this dilemma at you First of all, is Would you say that you've got How's your relationship right now? What do you mean? With Kat Great, very good, very happy No issues or anything? She's married to me Do you find it difficult to keep up The sort of affection and romance? Yeah, I mean we've got a fucking three and a half year old. It's almost impossible. Yeah Well, she's not here to sort of Just a surprise kiss No, I just wanna do it.

40:14She's not freaking out and she come walking on and go. Yeah, we have got problems That's a second half ruined okay, he can't he can't sustain the erection unless there's foxes in the garden fucking No, I just want to know what you think of this. I was watching this show. Yeah. What show? I can't even remember what it was. It was some couples-like therapy show. OK. And one of the... Maths? Pardon? Not maths. It wasn't maths, no. Let's not talk about them, because every time we talk about... Does anybody here watch Married at First Sight? Anyway, the point is, I was watching this couple therapy thing, it wasn't maths, but the woman in the couple had been complaining about the fact that the husband wasn't showing her enough affection or saying she looks nice and stuff like that and she felt like the romance was gone.

41:03Were you watching this with Lisa? No, I was just watching this on my own. What? Yeah, in the evenings, Lisa and I watch stuff in separate rooms. She's watching football, you're watching this. No, she was out with her personal trainer again. so I I'm watching this show and so the woman's talking about how the husband doesn't like show her enough affection and stuff and then it changed and apparently regularly he was telling her that she was pretty and she'd come down and he said you look really really nice and then he'd go I love you and I'm like you know she's really happy until one day she walked into the kitchen and his mobile was on the kitchen like top and And on the phone, there was a reminder that said, tell your wife she looks pretty today.

41:49Oh, my God. And she said, that doesn't count. And he said it does. What do you think? I don't think that counts. You've got to set a reminder to compliment your wife. That's fucking tragic. I think it feels so hollow for your wife that every time you've said that, it's because you've been reminded to say it rather than said it from the heart. Is there an argument that the only mistake he really made was leaving his phone out. Yeah, but for her, that's a horrible moment, I think. Okay, who agrees with that? Anybody on the husband's side? Okay, cool. Sorry, what was that? I think he went to the effort to put the remainder in his phone.

42:34Yeah, thank you. Can you fucking tell Lisa? I mean...

42:44Now, if you're regularly listening to The Wolf and Hour, you know that we always close things off with Tom's little summary. Now, Tom, it's a lot trickier to do this live, but we'd love you to close this off for us with some sort of, I don't know, story about an animal that turns out he's learnt a lesson. Well, we've just done that, and it got quite homerotic and offensive. so I shall leave you with this hmm in the turbulent world that we live in where waves seem to crash against us constantly it's easy to fall apart easy to let the words of others the negativity flood inside you

43:24easy to let your armour drop and your sinew fall and collapse whatever that means Jesus Christ it's easy to forget to put up an umbrella and let the rain of a fence tear over you. Sometimes in life, one of the most important things is to go, I'm okay, buddy. I'm alright. Wash it off. Think, you know what? Instead of meeting anger and negativity with exactly that, I'll meet you with a little positivity. I'll try to just do me. Like Andrew here. When the room turned on him, he didn't worry. He just kept strong. And that's the thing in life. He can't control what you all think of him. But what he can control is the woman he's leaning on.

44:16Bit of a dickhead move. But he can control the small little bubble in which he's in. And that's all we can do. So instead of trying to solve the world's problems, just try and solve the little world around you, the little bubble. Make the little few people you interact with each day go away feeling a little bit more positive. Put a smile on people's faces instead of a tear in their eye. And remember this. You're only as good as the last three people you spoke to. So make sure those conversations are positive ones, good ones, and generous in spirit. Go well, Glasgow. It's been a joy being here.

44:49God bless. Let's go. Glasgow, thank you so much for coming out tonight. Hello. We appreciate every one of you. Thank you so much. Please give it up for Tom Davidson Wolf. The Robert Trigger day for me. Have a safe journey home girls. Thank you very much. Good night.