S4 Ep 53: Press Nights and Pokemon Fights

0:03Yo, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. They'll grant you all last request to steady your nerves Them podcaster body parts get severed and serped Bring your weak shit where the wolf and owl are That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they're rolling with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing All you hear is a huff a puff and a...

0:35Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about you grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog hello and welcome to a belated wolf and al we're here in the place feels like i haven't spoken to well i've spoken to you a lot but we've not spoken to the pack well the reason we've delayed this one is we kind of wanted to make it like the oh i wanted to make it like the one following watching your incredible performance in the West End. It felt like that's what... Well, it's also scheduling, isn't it? Yes, scheduling as well.

1:14Yeah, I mean, I was trying to make it feel like this was purposely done. Oh, sorry, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. Boy, oh boy. I mean, I've talked about you. Yeah, I feel like you've paid enough compliments now. Yeah, but I haven't in front of the pack. And my gosh, Romesh Ranganathan, West End debut. God. I had to call the Duke of York Theatre straight after. I said, if you need a good roofer to reinstall the roof that Romesh Ranganathan has just blown off, call my friend Bobby Turbo. My gosh, man. Look, I've told you how amazing you are. I would say to anyone listening to this, go and watch Romesh do his thing.

1:56You're truly brilliant. I would say my description would be, go and watch Sheridan Smith do her thing, but Romesh also does the thing. Sheridan Smith is incredible. She is unbelievable. It's like a, I dunno, she's been given a gift, man. It's true. It's almost like an acting glass, watching her on stage. I had an embarrassing moment in an interview afterwards. Oh, I thought you meant because your flies were undone in the first act. Mate, that's almost happened on so many occasions. What, really? Yeah. Oh my God. Because the trousers are so weird, aren't they? so you sort of forget they were like braces and they finished just under my nipples and so like the one saving grace if the flies were undone it would just reveal my belly button thanks for but I was afterwards we did the press night which is what you came to very kindly and then I had to do interviews Dan says and obviously like they know that I'm not really I'm not a theatre done and so they said to me what's it like acting with Sheridan Swift and I just fell into such a stereotype I started talking about the France 98 World Cup right you know because I said they said to me what's it like working with Sheridan I said in 98 when France won the World Cup I said if you spoke to a lot of the French players so they would say that sometimes they would stop and watch Zidane because he was so good and they'd forget they were playing that's how I feel about Sheridan Swift in this play and then the guy I looked at me like, okay, cool, you've used a football reference.

3:34But that is how I would describe it, though. I would say, arguably, if she is Zidane, you would be Henri. Wow! I would say that. That's very sweet of you to say. I think that's too much. No, no, I think without a doubt. I think you're without a... She is. I think there's certain levels of ability. There's certain levels of... And I don't want to go... I don't want to make this whole podcast a Sheridan Smith loving, although I happily would do. But there are certain levels that you can learn, and then there's some other thing that you're just given, and you can't attain it if you're not given it.

4:10And Sheridan Smith has that. She has that in droves, yeah. It's like her Stephen Graham, like, I look at people who are just epic. As soon as we start, as soon as the thing starts, her face is just like, she's the character. Oh, she's in it. She's like completely, there's not a moment where she's like, you know, like, when you're acting and things, and you're like, I mean, I've never done theatre. I will say I was fucking in awe of you and everyone involved in it, by the way. And I love theatre and I love the West End and it's one of the most incredible things to sit and watch you do your thing.

4:44I was just fucking so inspired by you taking such a, you know, such a risk, really, to do something like that. But you have to be present the whole time. Like, all jokes aside, like, when you're doing, you know, when you're doing screen acting, that is, it's almost like I can see why the greats and the people who've come from theatre and the level of them being present in every moment. I'd be lying if I wasn't to say that I've been in scenes and I'm sort of a third character in it and there's the world going on around me. And I'm thinking, oh, I wonder if I should sign Stephen Gerrard's icon for my format team.

5:24How would I get to that price point? Who would I have to sell? it does happen when I was doing stand-up when I was like when you first start doing 20 your 20 minutes or whatever and that's how you're making your living doing 20 minutes at clubs I remember that I mean now I'm not thankfully I've got you know I'm constantly trying to turn over new stuff but then I had like a 20 minutes that worked and I was just doing that for ages it got to a point where like I'd be thinking about I'd genuinely be thinking in detail about what my curry order was going to be after the gig while I was on stage. But like, just rattling through the set.

5:59I'd love to get to that place. Yeah, but you're doing a tour show. That's different. Yeah, I mean, the difference of watching. So I watch you do your thing. And then you're like, you have to like, and that takes you a lot of I mean, fucking rehearsing, rehearsing, rehearsing, that's the point you get to what you realise as well is how, it's just how slick it all is. Yeah. And man, I mean, I've said this, but the highest compliment I could pay you is like, I was sitting there before because we've been texting and I've spoken to you so much through all of this. And the scale of press night, I've never been to anything like this.

6:36I think, I think, by the way, can we just say, press nights, by the way, what an insane idea. Yeah. That you invite all of the press in for one night to, what the fuck you talking about yeah if they did that in stand-up it would be every review would be like and for some reason Romesh Ranganathan started crying it wasn't anything to do with the routine but he just started sobbing and saying I need this I need this please be nice the trouble is with the press as well is they like so so when I turned up I was like and then and they're obviously you know like any industry they all know each other but I will say most are very lovely but yeah very like excited but you know bought a show before and after very nice nice people but you know they're chatting about you know they're critics right and that's they're all meeting up and they're and I didn't realise that that's you know my naivety I guess but like I thought it was like oh this is press as in like this is the press launch so like you know you turn up and this is where you know you're going to get your snaps your pictures yeah but I didn't realise it was yeah going to be every critic from every paper and they were sitting all around me and all around people.

7:51But literally within both moments... I actually asked for that because what I was thinking was is you're the sort of person that you're such a big supporter and such a good friend. I could imagine you going, bloody hell, that was brilliant the way you did that. Fucking hell, you nailed that scene. I was really laughing. I will say actually that it might have ruined slightly some of them and the fact that someone decided to put an elephant in a fuck here. theater seats it's like these these theaters were built in the Victorian times and they like people have grown like yeah there wasn't a one keys back then you know no I was I was so fucking like I my size like infringed at least 12 people closer and around me like there was like I know there was people two rows back because there's people that me and you know two rows back who were like good like you know it was quite good once you found a place you could see the show from around you yeah from the back of your head yeah it's just and then the lady breast the lady in front i'm like knocking her chair and it was it was so uncomfortable well thank you for coming at one point i said i just wanted to stand at the back i'd have you know if i could have stood at the back and watched like one of the security guards i'd have been so happy but look i appreciate you coming and also after the play you phoned me up and um it's one of the best phone calls i've ever had actually yeah well you know No, but we were texting, and I just couldn't get out my emotions in text.

9:17And I think sometimes... I know that you're not a big phone call guy. What makes you say that? You're not a big phone call guy. Well, you know, you are. But you had a lot going on. But I was so overwhelmed. And so, yeah, I was just in awe, bro. You should be fucking proud, man. It was a thing to behold. Yeah. So if you're a fan of The Wolf for now, if you're a fan of Sheridan Smith, but more if you just want to see Robert Schwang and Nathan and truly do something amazing, go and watch Women in Mind. It's really... You've built it up way too much, but Sharon doesn't... No, no, no, I haven't. No, no, no, no, no, no.

9:49You, take your flowers, sir. Take your flowers. I said, I know what you're like, and do it because we both do it, and we're both guilty of it, but you're truly brilliant in this, man. Oh, thanks. Like, no bullshit aside, you're fucking brilliant.

10:04Speaking of elephants in the room, we need to acknowledge an elephant in the room, which is that this is going to be the last Wolf and Al. Yeah. For January. Yes. Even I, even my, even my heart went to my stomach. I had an envisage of like, when you get your, like fucking Broadway debut. Yeah. That's what, but we are, for reasons, well, look, the point is, we're taking a, we're taking a short break, but we'll be back in February. So we just wanted to give you a heads up on that. We didn't give you a heads up. I'm not, did you give a heads up that we, the episode's going to be late because I didn't this week no no no were you inundated with messages because I wasn't no I think people have just started now we're like we're looking at this now but we need to get our ducks in order yeah yeah right shit's changing yeah oh yeah the ducks walk in a row they do like yes you know when you when like they leave the water yeah they walk in a row don't they do you know I always feel sorry for like, you know, I don't know if you've been, I think we've been going for quite a lot of walks in January and sort of where the little lakes and ponds are frozen over.

11:19Yeah. And there's nothing quite sadder than seeing like a duck sitting on the ice like a bloke who's forgotten his keys on a night out. Just looking down, just thinking, how do I get in there now? What do they do then? Is he still on there? Well, they just slide about a bit. They try and find an opening and they all just gather around. it's like you know like an after party yeah it's like you go for a Wetherspoons where everyone's like it's a big fucking pub or a nightclub and all of a sudden everyone's crammed into a fucking kitchen and a council flat it's going it's lovely once you're in

11:57like yeah some bloke just overtakes the whole thing who's essentially a swan have you got Happy New Year by the way bro Happy New Year my brother yeah what's your what are you my news resolutions um i yeah i've just a normal shit trying to be more healthy i do you know what i want to try my big thing was trying to be present more like i don't know about you but over christmas i really enjoyed just being at home a lot of the time just the three of us and just having some fun and and actually try and and you know what as well cooking more. I loved over Christmas. I cooked loads, made a lot of food for the family and for like, you know, I cooked Christmas dinner which was fun but there was a lot of glory hunters at Christmas dinner.

12:44What does that mean? Well, my mum for example Catherine to an extent, I spent two days cooking a Christmas dinner. I wanted it to be really special so I prepped a lot, I got stuff ready. you had goose didn't you you're such a we had a turkey baby and it was turkey and a little bit of ham it was very like I did a cauliflower cheese over two days because I just wanted it to be the most special two day cauliflower cheese so I made the cauliflower cheese so then it sat so the cheese and everything just really really yeah the sauce yeah and then I whacked it a bit more milk the next day I gave it a little stir I put up to the oven.

13:29It was so good. I think arguably the cauliflower cheese from nowhere stole the Christmas dinner. Are you putting a layer of cheese over the top of that? Yeah, of course. A layer of cheese. And can I say, I ate most of it. Anything left, I ate the next day in bubble. And then I was engulfed with the worst wind I've ever had for like two days. I mean, the worst wind you've ever had. I can't even, I don't even, I mean, I imagine fences came down. but did you how big are you dicing the cauliflower just out of interest because one of my big issues with cauliflower cheese is sometimes it's too big and then you're just basically inhaling a fucking molten boulder you go I cut into florets you know what I do I cut into florets and then I put quite a lot of stalks into because there's a lot of flavour in the stalks right so you put the stalks in as well I'm beginning to get an idea of what you were like over Christmas by the way and then and then I blend the stalks in with the cheese sauce.

14:26Do you really? Yeah. I've never even heard of that. Is that something you came up with yourself? Yeah. It's a Tommy Davis special and then you get this cauliflower that really enhances the taste of the cheese sauce but also gives it that sort of sulfuric cauliflower taste. Okay, okay, okay. Now, now you're out of your depth. You're very much out of your depth. No, no, no. Your toes are almost touching the bottom at the beginning of this description and now you're fucking drowning.

14:53What a great analogy. So, yeah. Anyway, glory-hunting-wise, I'm doing all this. I'm getting everything, and I'm quite enjoying it. Yeah, that thing where, like, I can see why, you know, Gordon Ramsay and the like of them do the sort of overly stressed thing. This fucking guy. This fucking guy has gone from fucking blending some stalks and his cauliflower cheese, and now he's comparing himself to fucking Gordon Ramsay. It's unbelievable. Gordon Ramsay, I don't think. I think Gordon Ramsay's a great fucking guy. I think he's a brilliant, like, you know, at what he does. I don't think he's now, I think he's almost like, you know, he's like the Jake Paul of cooking, right?

15:32That fucking hell, man. He's a great character, but there's better chef-chefs out there. I don't think he could go toe-to-toe with, like, someone, I don't know who the best chefs in the world at the moment, but, like, I don't think, I think Ramsey's now, like, he's incredible. He's still pretty good, right? I mean, he's... I would say, if he's... Look, I'd offer him out for a go-to-toe show. Fucking hell. Do you know something? You can't deal with it. Because you're partly joking, but there's... You've got the... It's a technique that you use very often, which is you pretend you're doing a bit, but actually there's some self-belief in there.

16:12No, there's a slight self-belief. No, I think he's rusty, and I'd be like the up-and-comer up against him. By the way, can I say, I love Gordon. I've met him at the box in here. He was one of the nicest people to me. Oh, no, no, no. Look, if there's one person in the world I think we know can take banter and likes a bit of give and take, it's old Gordon. I think he doesn't mind a bit of banter. What he would take objection to, I think, is being described as a Jake Pauler cooking.

16:43By the way, it's Sheffield, but... Right, sorry, yeah. If you called him a cook, that's more offensive than... Yeah, sorry. If you were to go... Yeah, but it's not Sheffield. It's chefing, though. So what? Are you chefing? Did you chef Christmas dinner? Well, yeah, I wouldn't say. If you were to come in to me and say... If somebody sits down at your table and you go, oh, yeah, I chefed all this. Oh, do you like the way I chef the cauliflower cheese? No, no, that's different, though. Sorry, Tom. Over Christmas, you seem to have become a fucking c***.

17:13No. No, but if you're a chef like Gordon and me, right, you don't if you turn around and said oh um oh nice one cook do you know what I mean chef is like I wouldn't say that obviously you wouldn't say that you can't you don't have to fucking you don't have to use the same noun as the verb do you know what I mean I go you cooked a great meal chef no but you said that is if you this all started you turned around and said oh Gordon Ramsay you're saying Gordon Ramsay isn't a very good cook I'm like I'm saying I'm saying he's an amazing chef but I'm saying like Like, he, for me, he's like, he's so elevated.

17:52He can put his feet up. I'm just saying, I'm the young buck who's fucking coming through. And I'm like, so. You've changed your tune. You've changed your tune. It's got, like, that's not what you're saying. You weren't saying he could put his feet up. You called him the Jake Paul of Sheppard. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. No, because there's a lot of stuff that, he's got by on great personality and clicks. Oh, my God. What, he is? He's got by on personality and clicks. No, he's a great person. Well, are you telling me, right? Like in any industry, right? Gordon Ramsay, right? Brilliant chef.

18:21I'm not saying he's not a great chef. Are you saying to me, right, in all honesty, that his personality and the way he acts and how he goes into a kitchen has been a part of his immense success? Oh, mate, look, I'm not denying. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, I get that. Before Jake Paul, what I mean is... But Tom, Tom. But I don't think that should be an insult. I think Jake Paul is a lot of things and people can say what they think. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. But what I'm trying to say to you, Tom, right, is yes, Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsay, their personalities have propelled them to start. There's no doubting that.

18:53There's no doubting that. There are almost certainly there would have been people that they've worked with that are better at chefing than they are. Yeah, of course. There's no doubt about that, right? And it's their ability to translate that to television that has elevated them, right? The idea that because Gordon Ramsay's personality has helped his career means that you and he can go toe-to-toe in a kitchen. That's where I slightly take it. Because you blended some stalks in a cauliflower cheese. No, I just think he... All right, look, I might not beat him, right? Actually, maybe I'm the Jake Paul in this scenario, and he's Anthony Joshua.

19:29You're not Jake Paul. You're one of the fucking younger Pauls that hasn't made it into fucking stardom. You're a Paul that sort of goes out and buys Pokemon cards for them. I'm Neil Paul by the way you're Paul Paul talking about Pokemon cards I've become obsessed with the Golden program about the cards and the baseball cards and the auctioneers. Oh, my God. It's incredible. It's so good. Like, some of the stuff that they find is truly... Do you know what I was thinking? The unboxings they do are so exciting. They are exciting, but this is my thing about that. Because, you know, I don't know if we watched the same one, but the one I watched was on Netflix, this guy that deals in sports memorabilia and then the Pokemon cards.

20:36And there's that NBA like Grail card that they were looking for with the logo stitching in it. is that yeah I mean I've only watched series 3 I can't go back and watch 1 or 2 so I was watching series 1 and there's like some guy was trying to get a messy jersey or whatever but anyway I get I get that all of these things are that I get why the price has increased and whatever and it's great players and it's great moments from sports and whatever what I don't understand is the final purchase right so I get like they're all like the price is escalating and people are dealing and stuff like that and I get making money from dealing it what I don't understand is the last person that gets this thing.

21:12Collector, bro. Yeah, what the fuck? So then you've got it just, what, sitting in your fucking house? Mate, have you not seen someone had people's house? There's a guy on there. Yeah, but so what? Who's got about £12 million worth of cards. Yeah, but why? That's what I'm saying. Why? For what? Mate. For what? But I don't know. You can't use any of this shit. To Peacock. To show them off. So you're spending all of that money so that when people come round, you go, do you want to have a look in this room? I mean, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, but he's a vault. and it mate his room I'd love to take it it's a vault it's a vault fine it's a vault but who gives a shit but also it's a talking piece some of them he by the way talk about something else look at BBC News he bought for a thousand bucks and now they're worth like 400 ,000 pounds you've been watching too much now you're saying bucks I would have accepted dollars because that's the fucking official currency don't ever in your life say bucks to me again unless you're talking about the Milwaukee basketball team hello um mate someone just I I watched stuff like that and Catherine was like Catherine had to say to me don't you dare start collecting baseball cards and basketball cards yeah yeah I can see I can the thing is Tom I'm sort of shitting on it because I could see that could be I mean listen you're talking I'm I've got an addictive personality it's a big problem yeah and if I if those addictions were like cooking and chefing like which is wholesome and decent but if it's like baseball cards and stuff I will yeah I mean, you don't even watch baseball.

22:39You don't know anything about baseball. I have no idea about baseball. I like basketball, but I like basketball. But I also would not know what card's great and what card's not, even watching that. I mean, I know that the PSA 10 is... That's the other thing, is you'd have to be told what is good. You don't know. You've got no instincts. A friend of mine has brought a Ronaldo R9 card, and he's like, I brought it for£177 on eBay. And I said, it's probably only worth£177. And he went, well, no, it could be worth any amount of money. I said, yeah, but it's on eBay. Don't you think that from just watching that program...

23:17The idea that your friend has got a level of knowledge that the person who owns it who's selling on eBay doesn't have. You're basically banking on the fact that that guy doesn't have Google. If you watch Goldens and you've got the fact that they've got a whole enterprise there who are constantly looking at everything on eBay and they're linked with eBay to see if anyone has got anything worth any money. They'll be trawling through every card. So the point is, the only way you can do it is if you buy one of those boxes that have unseen cards and you take a risk. When the boys, and they're not into it anymore, but the boys used to buy Pokemon packs.

23:56Right, that's the biggest. I mean, they'd collect them, but they're not collecting them to like, it's for them to be valuable. They'd collect them just to put them in a book and then they'd swap them and shit like that. anyway like the cards are so expensive I'm not talking about the trader I'm talking about at fucking face value it's a lot of money so they'd go can we get a few packs I'd get them a few packs and then they'd open the pack and they'd go like this rubbish rubbish rubbish that one's alright I'd go sorry have I paid for something that 90 % of it is fucking trash you don't want to look at it a second time that's exactly what you've done but then you've just got I hope that you've got some real like doofus who's got no idea what they're doing aka someone like me who would just take those craddy cards yeah and also Pokemons by the way Pokemons great they make a lot of money but Pokemons are never going to die so you have got one thing of like great sports people if you've got a card do you know what I mean like once something happens so what do you do you buy a card and you hope the guy gets into a car accident no but at some point you know God forbid but like at least they have like it's not good for me it's God hope isn't it is what you're asking for it's God please no Dear God, please.

25:05I'm just saying that if you've got like a jersey or something and something happens, or a card, they won't make any more. And that's, do you know what I mean? With Pokemon, that's not, you know, it's just, as far as I'm aware, it's just a drawing. So. As far as you're aware? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think they actually exist. So. Okay. The thing is, I know you're doing a bit, but it's very difficult these days to determine whether you're in character or not. I can't figure it out. No, but if you actually watch that, have you ever played a computer game where you're walking around and you can see them in the room?

25:40Have I? I can't think of a more grandad way of explaining what that thing is. You're talking about Pokemon Go? The computer game where you walk around and it's like they're actually in the room? Fucking hell. It's like you've just been defrosted. Fucking 70 years ago.

26:06mind absolutely blown so are they not really here when i put the screen there looks like there's a little yellow so that's not there i could see them on your talking box i could see them on the talking box um yeah pokemon guy yeah i've played that yeah me and the boys were obsessed with it for a while yeah you did you used to have to go out and find them and stuff yeah well you didn't go out but But like, we'd go to like Chessington or whatever and they'd get really excited because they'd heard tell that there was a fucking, I don't know what they're called, gravel axe. Did you ever have any in your house?

26:43You don't have them in your house and stuff, no? They can be in your house, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, they can be. Fuck, wow. Yeah. What, then would other people come and find that they're in your house? Yeah, other people come to your house and they knock on the door and they go, here, there's a Pikachu here. And you go, yeah, come in. It's just, it's normally over there in the corner of the bathroom. and they'd come in and do it, yeah. And you'd put a sign out the front of your house and you'd go, Pikachu here, if anybody wants one. No, but surely if Pikachu, which is the only one as well that I know, like you, is that...

27:12I know all this. Lickitung? Squirtle? So if Squirtle... Blastoise? But if Squirtle, say, is in the Wagonathan household, there's only one Squirtle, right? There's not Squirtles all around. No, no, there's shit loads of them. Really? Yeah. Oh, that takes a gloss off for me. I don't think they're putting the gloss on for you. No, no, but I'm like, it's not very special. I thought that they, like, there's one Pikachu and you had to find it. I don't think there's loads of... No, there's loads of Pikachu, yeah. Like, what, there should be one Pikachu in every country and you've got to go and find it.

27:43Well, that's... I mean, you're causing a massive issue then, aren't you? What? Well, what if Pikachu's in your back garden? You get people fucking jumping the fence to go and get Pikachu's. What are people knocking if you're a fellow fucking... Yeah, but if you're not, Pokemon Go doesn't go let's do a little survey to find out if this person's happy to house a fucking Lickitung in their living room when you sign into the game it should say are you happy to harbour like Pokemon in your abode and you say yes or no because for some people it'd be great if people turned up and go is Pikachu at your house?

28:21Yes he is you've actually described you've actually described a fairly good system actually I don't think that's that bad because then actually you meet like minded souls yeah no you're right before you know it you're like oh who's coming around for Christmas oh Ramesh and Kevin who came to our house looking for a Pikachu yeah no you're right I mean the problem is I don't know enough to sort of really interrogate your idea no I again think it's one of those ideas I've had I don't know if I've still got Pokemon Go on my I have have you still got it on your phone? yeah hold on let me just see if I it's been so long since I I remember like I reset up the account because because everyone was talking about Pokemon it's not letting me log in but I was going to check if I'd like something I'm pretty sure they just appear everywhere so it must be a fucking rush when they fucking appear man and you can do battles and stuff you know that right?