The Banter Cannon, the Guff Lounge and the Mullet

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1:27For bundle subscribers, terms apply. the wolf the arrow oh welcome to the world take your underwear off it's time for the war for now have we started no that's why i'm not in show mode yet wait when you show my kicks in it's everything everything is everything but you're not i don't think what's the rules about us singing songs on this we're allowed to sing like i think you're allowed to sing three lines and and it's not three lines as in the song. You can only ever clear three lines. Three lines is clear about everywhere.

2:06Yeah. Yeah, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. Just kidding. Every word in this song is about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Whoa! No!

2:26Oh, baby. Oh, baby, yo.

2:33Come to the Wolf and Al. Oh, that was nice. You heard along, though. We are in the studio, baby. We've got the statues out. Statues out. We had a bit of a debacle. Yeah, the light on the Wolf and Al sign wasn't working properly. They said they were ready for us. but there's so much tech that goes into this now. Well, it's lights and some cameras. Yeah, yeah. But, mate. Lights, cameras are now action. Action. My boy, my friend, how are you? Really good, thank you. You're a gallant. There's something sort of different away. As this goes up, I've just had another haircut for the play. Okay. I'm not happy with it.

3:09You're not happy with it? Why? I'm sorry with it. It's not their fault. They're cutting in accordance to a lovely Amy who did my hair. Yeah. She's done, it's a good haircut. Yeah, it's a nice haircut. Unfortunately, I don't like... You don't like the style? No. I do think he looks cool on you. I do miss the mullet a little bit. I was looking through some old pictures of you. Yeah. And the old mullet was nice. Yeah, well, there's some... There's some debate about whether I'm too old to have it. What, a mullet? Why? At my house. There's a lot of this going on at your house at the moment. We had a lot of this last week.

3:41Myself seems pretty low. I've got a few things I want to talk to you about in my family, actually. Okay. One, I'm getting constantly... Lisa's now... Now, okay, let me just get this all out of the way because this all happened to me over the last few days. Just quickly, if you love where this is going, what you'll really love is to like, subscribe, and join the journey on YouTube at The Wolf and Owl. Now, back to Ron. And wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, Spotify and such. I'm doing a bit and he's going to fuck that. So what's happened? Well, a few things. I'm too old to have a mullet, I've been told.

4:10The family have decided. Are they having votes now? It's not up to them. I mean, I can have it if I want. I can't currently because of the play now I'm in a bit of a mid zone where I don't know what I'm going to do with myself what am I going to do facial hair wise what am I going to do hair wise I'm in a real do you know what I mean the other thing is I've now been told by Lisa sorry let's just go up this mullet thing so is that a vote they've all voted against it they had a discussion about it in front of me like I was an animal in a cage that's awful what are you doing at this time just eating sweets Yeah, I couldn't.

4:46I didn't know they're having this conversation. They reported it to me after, but they were over the other side of the room. I'm just eating a sandwich. No, I'm joking. I'm joking. They just started chatting about it in front of me. Like, I'm making it out like it's worse than it is. Basically, they were like... What are you going to do with your hair after the play? No. When I had the mullet, when I had like it was all shaved and stuff. I loved it like that. They said... The general feeling was, not amongst... I've got to say Charlie was a defender. Oh, man, I love that kid. Charlie is like, have what you want, Dad.

5:17That's what I love about him. In fact, they all have what you want. The point is, they don't agree that I should be having a mullet at my age. Why do they think you're just going to have a short back and sides? You're not a guy who conforms. What they should do is be proud of the fact that you're this renegade, a maverick, if you will. Oh, yeah. But I don't think it's maverick to do something that people 15 years younger than you were doing. Yeah, but there's loads of different things. while you've got it flaunt it you should do that with your moustache as well get one of those little turn ups there's a guy at the theatre called Lincoln who's got the full tash with like it goes around like that Lincoln's such a cool name I know and he's got 1.4 million followers on TikTok what does he do he does cocktails can I just say if your name's Lincoln yeah yes so I'd never been able to live up to being called Lincoln no unless it's the town that's shit Lincoln's amazing I am there on my new tour I'm at the I'm joking I'm joking it just popped into my head the joke popped in I delivered it yeah yeah of course that's what I do on here I'm a banter cannon it's banter cannon I'm a banter cannon oh my god I don't want to get it for you I can't help it it's in my nature I'm going to get you an Arsenal shirt with the banter and then banter the banter cannon written on the back number one so Lincoln I'm kind of obsessed with him yeah nice guy really nice guy yeah it sounds amazing every like every about four times during the run he's put on a cocktail night.

6:42Wow. At the theatre. Very nice. Was he, he's a barman? No, he works at the theatre front of house. Oh my God. Yeah. Is it 1.4 million? I think it's 1.5 million for something like that. Because he's a cool guy. Yeah. He's a really nice guy as well. And his energy's good as well. Of course. Yeah. He's owned his name. Vibes. Vibes. What's his name? Lincoln what? Don't know. He doesn't really need us, does he? If you've got, if you're called Lincoln and you don't, that's that's why i worry about people like lincoln even like some kieran's i know who haven't been able to live up to that name what was there to live up to no disrespect to any kieran's but what's there to live up with kieran well i know a guy called kieran which i think he's lived up to his name can we bleep that out i think he's like one of the coolest people i've ever met in what way he's just fucking epic he's good at like he does sort of my tie he does um krabble Jesus Christ.

7:36He's a really good director. What you think is cool is so fucking sad. What's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with it, but that's not the thing. Like, he does Mai Tai. He's got really, really, really soft skin. If you stroke his skin, it's like silk. And he's like our age. It's like literally like, he must butter his skin every night. It's beautiful. Where are you stroking him? His arms, his back. His back? Yeah. I've rubbed my hand off his back as a joke, but just also. If I was walking alongside you and the path narrowed and I put my hand on your back to guide you through, what would you think of that?

8:11Would that cause a reaction from me? I'd think it was a lovely gesture. I'd probably go like that first. It's too much, isn't it? No, I think that's a nice gesture. It's slightly sexual, isn't it? No. If I haven't seen the alley's thinning and I'm sort of chatting to you about something and then you just do it in a really gentle way. Yeah. That's okay. And you know what you should say? I think you'd comment. I'd say something. I'd say thank you, Rob. I think what you're doing is you've been slightly performative for the podcast if you don't remember what I'm saying. No, I'd say thank you. Oh, cheers, mate.

8:39Yeah, okay. Well, what do you want me to do? Turn around and give you a full-on kiss? Do you know what I think you'd do? Might be a drink first.

8:53Which is notoriously how I sort of pull my wife. Yeah. The other thing, so there's that. So the mullet gate is really... There's three things I want to talk about. So you're on the floor a little bit for a mullet gate. Well, I'm not on the floor. The truth is I've slightly over-egged it because if I now decide to go and get a mullet, they would just accept it. It's not like they're being prescriptive. No. They're just expressing an opinion. Yeah. But if I did it, they just go, that's what he wants to have. Do you know what I mean? They're not going to like... But that's the end of the conversation.

9:22They must say that you're not like a normal dad. What does that mean? Well, you're cool. You're out there. You've still got some skin in the game, I guess is what I'm saying. Well, I'll tell you about another thing to do with that, actually. Anyway, the other thing is, Lisa has now got fed up, officially. With what? The amount of clothes I've got. Oh, wow. Yeah, I've been through it. I'm now, as of this morning, I've been told I'm a one-in-one-out guy. Mate, I've been on that flex for a year. It's a killer. Can I say, by the way, I do actually sympathise with you as well. You've got two big podcasts now.

9:56So you've got to have four different outfits at least a week. Sure, but I do think you can wear the stuff again, can't you? Of course you can. There was a time when people didn't wear anything more than once on TV. No. Or on podcasts. But you've also got a lot of attractive clothing. I'm looking at your outfit now. It's very sick. Slightly muttony, isn't it? What do you mean? Arguably, I'm too old to be wearing the same outfit. One of my recent things is, I've made a promise to myself, whenever you put yourself down I'm going to pick you back up. Do you think I put myself down a lot? I dare that you're putting yourself down.

10:30You said muttony. I'm making an observation. But you look good in clothes. Thank you. Well, I mean that is... You wear clothes well. I definitely look better clothed than naked. I've seen you both. No, you look fucking good in clothes. You're still making up your mind, don't you? No, I like you more in clothes than naked. You like me more in clothes than naked? If we shot this naked... I'm not suggesting we shot... I mean, you'd have to burn these chairs after every fucking episode. Especially the way my arse is at the moment. It's just like a fucking line of scorched earth down the middle of the seat.

11:05These would pick up everything. Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, my God. This is like... Imagine putting a gooch on one of these. Oh, my... Even if you just had a gentle sprinkling, you couldn't trust a fart on this, Jeff. 100%. I mean, I don't trust a fart most of the time. Do you know, I'm at a time in my life now where I genuinely, I'm like, I can't trust this. I've started holding him farts. I never used to do that. Yeah, I'm fully aware of that.

11:34Don't make it out like he's an exclusive. No, no, I'm like, fucking hell. So do you need to fart? What's your current, if you put it out of 10, what's your current need to fart? What now? Yeah. A three. Right. So you could fart if required? No. By the way, I'm not asking you to. No, but now I'm at a point in my life where I've always just taken the fact that I can fart whenever I want as like, wow. As what? You know, I've just taken it for granted, I guess. Are you sure? Now I'm like, no, this could go either way. Yeah. So you hold them in? I've started holding, which is actually really bad for you.

12:07Yeah. Because it's really, what you're doing to your sort of insides. Essentially, it's like, you know, we're like in a film where they put a bomb and it's sort of like, you know, like the end of Batman, the last Batman, when he's got a big bomb and he flies it into the sea. Yeah. that's what you're doing basically it's your stomach it's such a long description for that example just say it's like a bomb why do you need to do the bit no it's a bomb yeah but you think you think it's because you're not letting it out to explode into the ether right you're containing it with inside yourself right so it's like yeah it's fucking dangerous I don't think it is that bad yeah imagine that I think you'd have to be holding it in for a long time for it to be an issue can I say what I've seen the force that a fight comes out of your ass You farted in front of me, right?

12:50I know that you've got a big fart in you. How many times have you seen me fart in front of you? Seven. That's such a lie. You're such a liar. How many times have I farted in front of you? Hundreds.

13:02You know that I've got, I can amass some force. Yeah, sure. Imagine three of those going off internally. What's that doing to me? They don't go off internally, though. It's just an area of gas, isn't it? Yeah, the gas goes back up inside me. And where? Back up into my bowels and my stomach, I'm guessing. And then it's exerting. And there it goes. I mean, there's no science in what we're talking about. Is there? Yeah, but it doesn't take a genius to work out it's got to explode somewhere. It doesn't have to explode somewhere. Right. If I clap my hands, right, and you don't hear it. Tom, what do you think is happening?

13:35Sorry, the way you're talking about farting is like it's a hammer on a gun setting off gunpowder. That's basically what farting is. You're just releasing the air. Yeah, and if you don't release the air, what happens? if I got a balloon and kept on full of air and didn't go like let a little bit out what would happen? if you just kept putting more and more air what would happen? I just don't think that happens in the human body I think something else happens have you ever looked at your stomach and gone Christ that's bigger than it wasn't? yeah every day every day all day and it makes me cry at night thanks for bringing it up no but you must have a time where you think oh that looks a bit bigger and that's just air and gas that's why I think actually I think there should be like you're just delivering stuff these aren't facts this is speculate I'll tell you what if I was in power in this country one of the things I'd do is I'd have clear out London I know what else I'd have like a little like essentially like a pub but it's where people just go and fart that is that is a fucking dreadful idea no it's all like really well aerated right yeah they've got that it's called outside no but if you don't who the fuck is walking along going, I need to fart.

14:48Where can I do it? Hold on. Let me go in there into a building where everybody goes to fart. What the fuck are you talking about? No, there's like different floors and stuff. Oh, brilliant. So if you've got... And what do you do? Depending on what flavor you think you're going to drop. No, yeah, but if you've got one you don't quite trust, you just go, I'll get up to the floor. Oh, can I go to the floor where everyone shit themselves, please? That'll probably be on the ground floor. Okay. Okay, that's an emergency. Get into the ground floor. Yeah. And there's a couple of toilets in there as well.

15:14There's more than a couple of toilets. It's exclusively for people who need to fart. And there's two toilets. And then there's one floor that's just got air just going through it, so it just blows everything out. So it never smells. So it only blows out of one floor? No. What are the other floors? There's only three floors. Yeah. And then we've got one floor, it's just hot boxes. Yeah, we like the smell. We just draft it into the third floor. That's why we don't need to fart, but just like the smell of farts. That would probably be the office staff. You need some people running the place. What are they doing?

15:47What are they supervising? Is there food there? Yeah, I mean, you bring your own packed lunch and stuff, I'd imagine. You bring your own packed lunch to a three-floor farting chamber with two toilets.

16:04Sometimes you do something and think, oh, there's a logic to what you're saying, but this is fucking mad. I just think a place you could go and just let rip would be nice. Yeah, okay. and outside bro yeah but outside you sometimes can't i've done it outside and seen people look at me in disgust i did sorry you're clearing outside i've heard people clearing a room you're clearing outside well the other day i was walking down the street i felt an urge to go so i stopped and did that thing like i don't know where you look like you're sort of like looking for a road that you can't find so you stop and look around a bit no and then i just because i couldn't walk and do it at the same time why not because you don't know that's that's the worst thing you can do.

16:41Why? Because the chafing, if you're walking your bum. How dry are your ass chafing?

16:51I think you might be over-talking. No, but so I stopped. And as I stopped, this woman came behind me and I let rip. Yeah. And then she said, ooh, and just walked past. Yeah. Not my fight. It's not ideal. No, it's not my fight. Yeah, but okay. so say for example let's look at the logistics by the way I don't I don't actually think this is a good enough idea to even discuss just full disclosure but we are discussing it yeah if you were there yeah and then you need to fart you want to fart right I want to go to what are you going to call this place I don't know the fart chamber okay fart chamber yeah great brilliant I can't think of anything no actually I don't think I don't think people would come in if they saw I don't think you should call it chamber no fart box The Guff Lounge?

17:40Guff Lounge. Guff Lounge is good. I don't mind. That is the best thing you've said since you've introduced this whole idea. Yeah, the Guff Lounge. So Guff Lounge. Yeah. But if I am like 20 minutes walk away from the Guff Lounge, how does this work? Well, you'd have to open up quite a few. It's something you'd have to throw. No, that makes sense. You open with, what, a thousand branches. Yeah. And then you'd have to get people to pay like a gym membership. Right, right, right. So you subscribe to the Guff Lounge. So you're paying a membership to Guff Lounge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. £10 a month probably.

18:09But how long is your normal window of opportunity between needing a fart and farting? I think you know as soon as one's rumbling, you kind of want to be, you want to basically be within, I don't know, like half a mile of one wherever you are. Yeah, sure. So your business model is that you're never more than half a mile away from a guff lounge. Yeah. That's the idea. Yeah. So wherever, yeah. I think it's a bold starting point. Yeah. I mean, you'd need some serious infrastructure. And some serious investment. You need more guff lounges than Starbucks. By the way, not eventually. It's a lot of...

18:46It's to start. For it to even be viable from the offset. How many buildings do you see in inner cities? You don't need them out of cities. It's mainly a city thing. What is farting? No, but farting... Once you're in a little village, it's fine. You've got loads of space. Cows and stuff that make smells anyway. I'm saying once you're in the thick of it... Isn't this a better idea? Yeah. instead of opening guff lounges, you have a guff pod that can be installed in pubs and stuff like that. You've just rocked my mind. Or an old phone box is. Yeah, and it's got like a... That's what it is. You just get an old phone box with a chimney on the top.

19:21If somebody's got to fart, they can just pop in there. Oh my God, that's fucking sick. See? This is when great minds start working together. You know all the old phone boxes we see? They've got nothing to appear with graffiti. They've got an old prostitute's number in them. Yeah, it's sad that they're being used like that. Let's fart in them. And respect London's traditions. Or you know what? You could make it mobile. Yeah, that's a good shout. Yeah, you just have one that goes around. Hang on, mate. What are you after? Got a bit of a chunky one coming out of this. Okay, jump in the back, mate.

19:57Do you want to sit here, mate? Or do you want to go for a little drive when you're doing it? Do you want to sit here in London? Yeah, not a bad idea, maybe. See, there's variables. and what I love about this is I'm open to chat and I'm open to different ideas as a CEO. So anyway, you're second. So you've got the clothes one in, one out, right? So the haircut's the first thing. Yeah, so we started this, by the way, saying that you feel like mutton. Just in this outfit. You look great. Great. You look good. You look great as well, but you always look great though. I've never known you to not look great except for King Gary.

20:31Yeah, but the one in, one out, I don't actually think it's a bad thing. Yeah. Because it forces you to look through. So where's out for you? Where does that go? Charity or vented, depending on what it is. I do think there is a strong argument, if I could get serious for a minute, to think a bit more about when you buy clothes. I've actually started doing that quite a lot now. I did six months without buying anything new once. That's good. But also we'll say that it's like anything, right? Is that the most out-of-touch thing I've ever said? Yeah, but it's also extremism. What is? That, because you're like, six months, I'm not going to buy a thing.

21:04yeah as an experiment you're trying to reset but then you finish the six months and just then you probably went out and bought loads of stuff I bought about a year's worth of gear yeah because you've had six months I bought it for six months I was just playing along yeah I know you are but you know what I think number one I think when I look at stuff I have to now I used to buy stuff that looked exactly the same as the other stuff I've got oh yeah I've done that yeah I mean I the number of black hoodies I've purchased in my life grey hoodies as well yeah but a grey hoodie goes with everything you just need one good grey one good But capsule wardrobes, man.

21:35Yeah. Absolutely, man. Do you, how many, you're not even on Instagram anymore. No. Instagram. And I'm going to tell you this now. It's a hell of a life. I don't think I could give it up. Although, yeah. What are you getting, okay. If you go on Instagram, how often do you go on Instagram do you think? Too often. But how many times? What a day? Yeah. 20? Yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. You're on there for about what, 10, 15 minutes a time? Probably. so spending a good proportion of your day just scrolling after you do that how do you feel depends what i've been looking at sometimes enlightened sometimes empty um sometimes just like yeah so one in one out yeah when does it start now wow i was told this morning well you know what you should do to really make her happy what leave no come on come on she needs you oh you're doing this you're doing this thing aren't you yeah okay you know what you should do what you should go home yeah you go home babe and you go to your room and get a black bean bag and just pick out the stuff all of her stuff the fucking burner you're out you're see you later ungrateful witch between me and the clothes you and the clothes guess who fucking wins every time sweetheart yeah I'll be on my own but I'll look fucking funky fresh shouldn't have shouldn't have a problem finding a new damsel when you look as fucking swaggy as this stuff no you should go in pick up your stuff that you don't wear or you've fallen out of love with and make a real make her because that will make her feel amazing because you've listened half the thing about relationships you've got to listen when she comes in you're sitting watching whatever you watch in the evenings Arsenal or whatever and she goes what are you watching it's like Arsenal playing earlier this season you don't need any of this bit in the conversation and she's like I'm just going to head upstairs and you're like Oh, right.

23:27You might want to look by the back door. I think you'll have a surprise that you'll like. As you go by the back door and you've got like five big bin bags full of clothes that you're going to give to charity, she will literally come in and go, Oh, my God. Ron, that's so sweet. Tom, if I say to Lisa, there's a surprise you might like, and that surprise is that I've put some of the clothes that I don't want in a fucking bin bag, Where do you think the level of expectation is in my relationship?