The Traitors, Therapy and Bathroom Etiquette

10 Aug 2026 · 52 min · 18 chapters

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In short

Bedtime routines and sleep aids; lowering cortisol via breathing and tongue-out exercises; therapy advice on “owning feelings” and communicating boundaries; anxiety and stomach rumbling; bathroom etiquette/privacy (transparent windows, hotel/toilet glass, train toilet mishaps); acting/character prep (a co-star decorating a trailer with character/porn); social dynamics and disliking someone; spoilers/gossip around The Traitors.

Guests

No named guests in the transcript. The hosts are Rami and Romesh (plus Tom). They discuss personal experiences and examples with each other.

Key claims

Cortisol drives fat retention and stress; it can be lowered by 40 seconds tongue-out (repeated) and by 4-2-6 breathing (4 in, 2 hold, 6 out). Therapy helps by stating feelings directly rather than silently resenting. Transparent bathroom windows are “low-life” and should be covered. Spoiling The Traitors via early photos/gossip ruins the twist-driven enjoyment.

Notable examples

Role-playing a restaurant colleague’s humiliating “piss-taking”; transparent downstairs bathroom at a barbecue; train toilet door revealing a stranger; theatre toilets causing huge queues; co-star’s trailer with niche porn and table-tennis backstory rules.

Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.

Chapters

Tap a time to open that second in VO

Naming Jean the Coyote

0:45 to 2:14

Discussion about giving a name to Jean, humorously choosing 'Coyote'.

“And every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog.”

Arousal and Sleep Issues

2:14 to 3:45

Romesh and Tom discuss sleep habits and the impact of arousal during meditation.

“Someone asked me about that on the train.”

Bedtime Rituals Revealed

3:45 to 5:06

Romesh shares his bedtime rituals and hygiene practices before sleep.

“I've done that on more than one occasion.”

Cortisol and Stress Management

5:06 to 6:44

Discussion about cortisol, stress management techniques, and their effects.

“Yeah, you stick your tongue out, it lowers your cortisol levels.”

Navigating Personal Feelings

6:44 to 9:06

Romesh opens up about therapy and the importance of expressing feelings.

“For example, you know when you have something that you're dreading a little bit?”

Role-Playing Conflict Resolution

9:06 to 14:01

Role-play scenario illustrating how to address feelings in social situations.

“So what he said was, is that I need to get better at saying what I think or saying what I feel about something and worrying less about the other.”

Navigating Social Tensions

14:01 to 16:30

Explore the complexities of managing emotions and expectations in social settings.

“Everyone will be really, really upset about the fact you're upset.”

Bathroom Etiquette and Transparency

16:31 to 21:05

Discuss the importance of bathroom privacy and the absurdity of transparent windows.

“And you don't have to say it in a combative way, you just have to go, it would help me out if we didn't do it like that from now on.”

Awkward Bathroom Scenarios

21:06 to 28:00

Delve into the humor and discomfort of modern bathroom experiences and societal expectations.

“Because if someone walks past, the indignifying thing of someone walking past and seeing you standing there in a wee.”

Bathroom Etiquette on Trains

28:00 to 29:18

Discussing the challenges and awkwardness of using train toilets.

“What, even when you're home on your own?”
Show all 18 chapters

Theatre Toilets and Their Trials

29:18 to 31:08

Exploring the unpleasant experiences of using toilets in theatres.

“Anyway, I took a selfie and then shut the door.”

Character Preparation in Acting

31:08 to 32:58

Discussing the extremes some actors go to for character preparation.

“the theatre's the one that really when I went to watch your show I was actually dying for shit when I went to watch your theatre thing and I was like, I can't go.”

Interpersonal Dynamics in Acting

32:58 to 35:08

Examining the dynamics between actors and their relationships on set.

“I think there's a little bit of it that is...”

The Struggle for Acceptance

35:08 to 38:08

Reflecting on the desire for acceptance and dealing with dislike.

“And me being me, I'm just then trying to have a conversation.”

Secrets of The Traitors

38:08 to 41:35

Insights into the competitive nature and secrecy of the show 'The Traitors'.

“It's like, you have my word, I won't say a thing.”

Personality Conflicts

41:35 to 42:00

Discussing how different personalities can clash and affect interactions.

“I just want a little bit of the tea I just want a little taste or was there anyone in there who sort of like gave the old Ranganathan the sort of bareback?”

Understanding Interpersonal Dynamics

42:00 to 46:00

Explore how personal compatibility affects relationships and interactions.

“So I think you get on with certain people but more than others.”

The Nature of Opportunity

46:00 to 48:20

Discuss the concept of opportunity and how it manifests in life.

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Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:01Hello and welcome to the Wolf and the Owl. Yo, Rami. Rami, are you ready to podcast, Rami? Rami. I think we've got a really pressing matter, by the way. What? So Jean has made quite a lot of appearances now. He's become quite a feature of the... It feels obtuse that he doesn't have an animal's name.

0:26Romesh Ranganathan:I think the coyote. like so the wily coyote smelly smelly he smells nice he smells good sorry I'm just trying to think of the most horrible things I can say hyena I think the coyote is nice yeah let's go coyote you happy with the coyote I like that okay you're in as a coyote yeah the wolf the owl and the coyote like and subscribe

0:57Romesh Ranganathan:And every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. So we've got a bit of a situation. You have got an erection? Uh-huh.

1:09Romesh Ranganathan:You're so brave in those trousers. That's what I call it. That's what I say. With Mickey trips. That is an insane thing. Yeah, but I've told you. Yeah, you don't suffer. You're fucking immune to them. I'm not immune, but I've got a technique. Yeah, you do the... I do the U-bend finger. Yeah. I've tried that. It doesn't work. It works for me. Yeah. I've got a strong urine. Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately, very weak pronunciation. I love it. By the way, I know you're tired now. Well, how do you know? Because I'm getting shitty. Yeah, I can feel the tired. No, I am quite tired. You're like a little baby.

1:40You're like a three-year-old. I'm quite tired.

1:42Romesh Ranganathan:I'm quite sleepy though. You've got a sleepiness of the bed. How is your sleep in? Well, I've started... So, do you remember many, many moons ago, I talked about magnesium butter. Yeah. And then I got fed up with rubbing that on myself. before bed. So I've now got a spray. What? Where comes it as a spray? It's like a joint spray, but it helps you sleep. Oh, you know, I've got that. So I've been doing that. I've been trying to stay off my phone before bed. That's not always worked. Yeah. The aroused meditation. Any more erections when you meditate here? No more erections. That happened once. Yeah.

2:18But the other thing that's... Someone asked me about that on the train. What did they say? They whispered it sort of like that we were both there. I was going to have an erection when he was meditating

2:30Romesh Ranganathan:we laughed together it was quite nice actually I think I need to move my bedtime earlier what time are you going to bed? I normally start to think about going to bed about 11 o 'clock what? is that late? about 9 o 'clock for me you're not in bed but we're comedians yeah no if I'm gigging obviously I'm going to bed no I know that thanks a lot guys I'm only opening to do a gig at 6.30 but that's what worries me is because like if you're going to bed at nine o 'clock and then you go on tour then what you're doing is you're having to perform during a time when you'd normally be asleep that's what makes me worried yeah but my thinking is I'm resting like an animal I'm resting amongst the other time that's where I'm catching up with my sleep then you go to bed at nine o 'clock nine o 'clock so you don't watch any post watershed television no no you said you start thinking about going to bed right so nine o 'clock you start thinking about nine o 'clock I go okay I'm gonna go have my shower go through my bedtime rituals get into bed Talk me through your bedtime rituals, please.

3:25They've become more and more now. Great, great news. Always a poo. Always trying to have a poo before bed. Don't want to risk that. Risk what? No, just having to get up at night for a poo.

3:36Romesh Ranganathan:I think the problem is you're quite, if you need a poo before bed and you don't do it, you're very farty. Yeah, and also you don't want to wake up at four in the morning. I've done that on more than one occasion. Yeah, I'd rather clean out for the day, muck out the handbag. and then and then I have a shower with some lavender like a lavender wash nice brush the old bricks I've got this new bald stuff oh you're trying to brush new teeth yeah okay thank god

4:11Romesh Ranganathan:what did you think it was I don't know brush the old bricks have you got a special flannel for his testicles or something and then I've got this new stuff that you, for bald guys, like an SPF use during the day. Right. Like an after cream that you use in the evening. Okay. So I've been doing that. I do that. I do a little bit of breathing. I do the 426. Yeah, you should be breathing all night, really. Yeah. No, I hold my breath. Yeah. As soon as I go to sleep, I tape up my nose and my mouth. I do the 426 breathing method. So talk me through that. Four seconds in, two seconds hold, six seconds out.

4:46It's really good for your heart, apparently. Right.

4:48Romesh Ranganathan:Have you heard the thing about, you know about cortisol? Yeah. Cortisol, by the way, is the biggest prick in your body. It does some good stuff, but cortisol is a fuck. That's why a lot of us have guts, is cortisol. Yeah. It's like, cortisol holds you, that's where you hold all your fat. Apparently you can lower your cortisol levels by just sticking your tongue out for a while. Really? Yeah. How long? For about 40 seconds. 40 seconds with your tongue out? Yeah, you stick your tongue out, it lowers your cortisol levels. You should do that every night. I think the one I read was like, it was like five times, you do it five times back to back, 40 seconds, back in.

5:20Romesh Ranganathan:40 seconds back in. Right. And then by the time you've done that, you actually, that's one of the most effective. Well, I don't know if it's one of the most effective. Because that's what a breathing's going to do as well, right? So if you do the breathing, I mean, that's almost 10 minutes of... Have you heard about this? Also, the other thing that spikes your cortisol or keeps your cortisol levels high. So apparently the... By the way, please don't... I'm not a doctor. This is just stuff I've read. So cortisol levels... You're well-read though when it comes to this stuff. Well, not particularly, not as well as I'd like to be but you know I've got a family and a burgeoning career to take care of but

5:58Romesh Ranganathan:throw another bone my way

6:03Romesh Ranganathan:it's weird because you went from doing the violin to doing the vocal didn't you yeah you didn't really make a decision about what you were doing when you started no oh I see okay that's the throw another bone my way

6:22um so uh what was that oh yeah so cortisol levels yeah so cortisol um is makes your body hold on to

6:33Romesh Ranganathan:fat because it feels like there's an emergency on the way yeah it's fight or flight yeah so so there's lots of things that stress and all of that it's all stress related But apparently, there's lots of little things that we do that contribute to our cortisol levels. For example, you know when you have something that you're dreading a little bit? Yeah. Like, say, for example, you've got to make a phone call to your accountant. That's sort of the example that springs to my mind. Not that I don't like my accountant, but... Nice guy? Yeah, really nice guy. What's his name? Ian? Yeah. That's genuinely quite an accountly name.

7:05Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, very nice guy. Ian Butterworth? No. Okay. What are the guesses, sir? All right, I'll give you three guesses. Okay, Ian Butterworth, that's my first. Ian Armstrong? Yes. Fuck off. It's Ian Armstrong. Really? Yeah. Are you joking? No. Are you serious? Yeah. Wow, fucking hell. I mean, I'd have preferred if it was Ian Butterworth, but Armstrong. Tell me! It isn't, but I just don't want you to do three of those. Okay. Greaves? No. I'm not going to do my third one. Okay. so if you if you leave if you don't make that phone call say for example it occurs to you in the morning I've got to phone my accountant and then you don't phone your accountant that's like keeping a tab open right and so if you've got a few of those things where you've got to do things like that or you haven't finished a script that you're trying to work on or whatever or you've got to talk to a family member about something or whatever it is you know these little tiny stressors if you go to bed with those still open and it maintains your high cortisol.

8:08Romesh Ranganathan:Wow, that's fucking mad. So actually it's in your interest to... Close as many as... Yeah, to actually... It's like an advent calendar. Grab the thorn by the... Grab the nettle by the... Thorn? By the... Grasp the nettle. Yeah. You know? That's what you're supposed to do. Have you been better at doing that? Well, without wanting to divulge too much personal information, I've been having regular therapy recently. Okay, cool. One of the things that my therapist said, aside from the fact I think I shared with you that you told me that he can't remember a time he's spoken to somebody that talks as negatively about themselves as I do.

8:44Romesh Ranganathan:The other thing he said was, is that I am not, I need to own my feelings more. So what that means is, if you do something to upset me, or say I feel aggrieved at something you've done, or I'm annoyed by something you've done. my he says my not that we didn't use you as an example by the way but my default setting is that I will just keep it to myself or just live with it right I think I mean I do that and that leads to ongoing resentment and then it might lead to a bigger falling out in the future because these you know like we've all had this with our partners where you you don't say something then something else happens then by the end of it you've got a six month record of all of the things that they've done that have fucked you off that are essentially the same misdemeanor in your mind, but you've not spoken about it at the time.

9:35Romesh Ranganathan:So what he said was, is that I need to get better at saying what I think or saying what I feel about something and worrying less about the other. So say if you do something to upset me, if I say to you... Like if I wipe my ass with your t-shirt, for example. Yeah. I mean, I don't think I'd have a problem in saying that I was annoyed about that. Okay. That is not something that I would keep to myself. I wouldn't go, fucking I don't want to upset Tom and make him think that's not the right thing to do alright okay so say for example here's an example say for example we were out with a group of work colleagues so we were working on a so we were out with John, Will, Big Ben not people that work for us I'm about colleagues I don't mean staff

10:25Romesh Ranganathan:Josh, Robbie B Yeah. No, I'm joking. Ben, John and Will, right? So we're out with them. John's dancing probably. Yeah. You know what he's like. TGI's. Yeah, taking his tie off.

10:39Romesh Ranganathan:Waving it above his head. Swinging it above his head like a lasso. Yeah, actually appropriately, a lot like Coyote Ugly. Yeah. It's 10am at Chiquitos. Yeah, yeah.

10:53On a trading estate somewhere. Yeah, okay.

10:56Romesh Ranganathan:And then you started taking the piss out of me. Yeah. But doing it in a way that was a bit... Like, you know, say you got carried away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think of an example that would be close to something you would do. Where you really started, like, warming to your theme and started humiliating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, like, I found it upsetting. Yeah. So... Like, I've basically done it, so Ben joins in, Will joins in, John does, the waiter comes in and goes, well, I'll get a tip here if I take a mick out of this sneak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just have a terrible time, right?

11:20Yeah, yeah, okay.

11:21Romesh Ranganathan:So one choice is to just keep it to yourself and be really upset about it. The other thing is to go, you know, you do it in a polite way and at the right time. But I would say, look, to be honest with you, in fact, we can role play if you want. Okay. Cool. So, imagine, so let's both, let's exaggerate. We'll have to slightly turn up because we're not playing a character now. Okay. You're being you, I'm being me. But let's slightly turn up our issues. So you're a bit bullshier than you normally be. Okay. And I'm a bit more timid than I'd normally be. Okay. Okay. the vegan stuff's for old stink here oh shut up John that's enough now mate oh what was that Ben oh give it to him a little harder than that mate do you think John should put his pants back on wrong mate why are you spoiling it John's having a good time he works really hard and if you wanted to fart on your burger you should let him Tom can I have a quick word please yeah okay what is it mate you alright you're not going to cry again are you um no I'm not going to cry I just think um well what was that I was sort of silences make me feel uncomfortable okay well I was talking so it wasn't actually silent oh okay um I've got to say I think you're being a little bit what have I done well look you've not done anything wrong but I just wanted to say the way that you are sort of cheerleading this kind of piss-taking out of me, I actually find it quite upsetting.

13:00Romesh Ranganathan:Wow, okay. And it's sort of making this evening a lot less enjoyable for me, to be honest with you. Well, you know what? I felt uncomfortable. So I've overstepped the mark, and I realised that. And actually, I feel really, really bad about it. And I didn't want you to have a bad time, but I wanted everyone else to have a good time. and I totally get that I totally get that and you've become the doormat to the entrance into having a good time and that's not fair on you so should I order some mojitos and get everyone to stop that would be amazing okay hey guys I know we've had a laugh but we've sort of joked you over Romesh said whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

13:43Romesh Ranganathan:I didn't want you to do like a little can I have another word with you over here please sorry guys be back in a minute oh John John get us another man John John, please put your dick away. Where is it, mate? You all right? Yeah, I didn't really want you to make a big thing of it. Well, it's quite a big thing. I know, but then it becomes a bit more of an instant. And you're basically all of our boss. So it's sort of like... Everyone will be really, really upset about the fact you're upset. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't think you should say something. I think let's just let it kind of...

14:11Okay, well, it's good. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Okay. Okay. Right. Then we go back to the table and Will's like, I don't know, put a pin on your seat. So you sit down.

14:19Romesh Ranganathan:Will you fucking idiot Rom's already upset mate Can I have another Can I have another quick word John Balls away What is it mate What's wrong Again you're sort of Making a thing of it Okay yeah But Will put that pin on you I know I know But just I saw the pin We could just move it aside Okay cool You don't have to be aggressive Okay cool I'm just so on edge now Well you don't have to be on edge I don't need to be on edge You shouldn't have to be on edge To just sort of be decent to me Okay Okay let's go back Alright Oh by the way I wanted to say how amazing Romesh is and how handsome I think he looks today.

14:51Romesh Ranganathan:Can I have a quick word again? What's wrong? I don't need you to big me up. It's somewhere in between bigging me up and being horribly abusive. Guys, I was just about to say this to you. You know who's a really average, sort of front of the mill, sort of in the middle sort of person? Can I have a quick word? You don't have to do any announcement. Let's just return to the evening. Okay, cool. All right. Everyone having fun? Yeah. Probably not as fun. It was a couple of minutes ago, but still fun because we're still eating and stuff. Yeah. Obviously, you don't want to say anything else. John, could you get your cock out of the mustard, please?

15:31See, that's good.

15:32Romesh Ranganathan:The way you've dealt with it is really mature. Anyway, sorry, obviously, that was a bit of a mad example. But the point is you're supposed to own your feelings. I think that's cool. And you're supposed to not take responses. So, say, for example, sometimes you don't say something to somebody because you're worried they're going to get upset. Yeah, and then it upsets you. Yeah, but that's not your responsibility. All you're saying is, I feel like this. And it's up to them how they take that on board. Do you know what I mean? And you have to slightly, not to not give a shit, but you have to... Like treat yourself as a friend.

16:04Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's kind of how it is. So anyway, I've tried to do that a bit more. Who's that involved? Who have you had to have that chat with? It's just like everyday things. If you don't want to do something or you feel like somebody's overstepped the mark, or it's happened at work a couple of times, but something might happen. Not that anyone's been horrible to me, but something that I wouldn't normally speak about. I wouldn't want to make a fuss, I've actually said. And you don't have to say it in a combative way, you just have to go, it would help me out if we didn't do it like that from now on.

16:35Romesh Ranganathan:Do you know what I mean? Or I'd actually find it easier if this was like this. You know what I mean? like it's kind of doing stuff like that which isn't something that comes naturally to me yeah but it's good that you're doing that but I think but then I think people get surprised when they say that because my stand up and like and also I'm a piss taker but did you hear that that's your tummy fucking hell Jesus Christ do you know what that is that's anxiety you're carrying around in your tummy let me see if I can I don't know you've got a baby in there when you do that yeah that was no but it's like it made a really loud grumble yeah it was a massive grumble I'm sure if we listen do you reckon that's a medical thing No, it's just because you're hungry.

17:12Okay, fine. You probably need a fart. That was loud, by the way. It was really loud.

17:18Romesh Ranganathan:That's one of the loudest noises my stomach's ever made. That's probably the loudest I've ever heard. Ever in your life? Tummy rumble, yeah. I don't think I've heard a tummy rumble that's been so translucent. I don't think I've ever heard somebody use translucent more in the more incorrect context. Do you know what translucent, what do you think translucent means? Like loud and sort of like, what does it mean? Translucent is like see-through. Okay. Well, yeah, in a way it was, because it felt like I could see right into your belly how loud that was. Is that what translucent means? Yeah. Yeah. It felt, yeah.

17:49Romesh Ranganathan:You know what confused me is because transparent means that as well. Yeah. By the way, we said this in episode 10. What a stupid idiot has come up with two different words. Someone should be, someone comes in and goes, right, okay, I've invented the word transparent. About two weeks later, someone's gone, Eric, have you got any new words? Or translucent? Should we have a look at what the difference between translucent and transparent is? Yeah, also look at the idiots who came out with both words. That's the thing that really annoys me when two words mean the same thing. Okay. Transparent materials allow light to pass through clearly, enabling you to see distinct objects on the other side, while translucent materials allow light to pass but scatter it, resulting in a blurry, obscured view.

Read the full transcript

18:26Romesh Ranganathan:I see. What are you getting... So they mean two different things, don't they? It's exactly what you can play. There's so many things to remember. This is the narrative of what just happened. Let me give you the chronology. Okay. Annoyed that there are two words that mean the same thing. discovery that actually mean a different thing annoyance still yeah would you rather I just let that inside no but it's like no I'm not saying that what I'm saying is that is the like that's Trumpism Trumpism what you've just displayed is Trumpism which is you've decided something to be the case somebody shows you that it's not the case and he's still angry because I still think you've got three things that are almost the same well opaque is the opposite it so yeah I'll give you that one in front of us now we've got transparent translucent and opaque Tom said that's three things that mean the same it's three images clearly showing different stuff one of them is a window that is transparent the next one the best way to describe it is like a frosted window yeah right so translucent where you can still see through but and then the third one is opaque Tom has gone what's the point in three words or something for the same thing because I was looking transparent opposites bro can I just say by the way I think a low-life action right it's when someone has a transparent bathroom window a low-life action I think if you turn around at someone's house and I've got a transparent bathroom window that's a low it's insane I went to someone's house the other day literally you don't have downstairs bathroom downstairs or upstairs like you go turn upstairs bathroom and they've got a transparent window and everyone can just see in.

20:09Romesh Ranganathan:If you're upstairs, who's seeing in there? Other people from other houses. I mean, I know we see it in apartments, I get it, but how many of your windows are matching up with your neighbour's windows? Everyone nearly across the side. Quite a few. If he looked out of a certain window, he'd be able to... Mine, by the way, are all opaque. But haven't you got, like, you've got a whole fence the whole way around. Nobody can see in, can they? You're so cheeky. By the way, can I say, you've given away because of the fact you haven't got anyone near you. You're living on a state. I've got neighbours either side of me.

20:40You haven't got neighbours. I have. Four miles either side. What? Sometimes I see them when I go on a really long walk. My point being, when you go around someone's house and they have got like transparent glass, downstairs is the worst. I've been in a downstairs at someone's barbecue and they didn't even have a blind.

20:59Romesh Ranganathan:That's bad. I would say that's bad. That's awful. It's really bad. I wouldn't say it's low life. I would. I would say that, yeah, that should be your first port of call, is getting a blind or some curtains. Because if someone walks past, the indignifying thing of someone walking past and seeing you standing there in a wee. I think it needs a blind. It does need a blind. It does need a blind. You're going to sit down with you at people's houses as well, aren't you? Have I told you that before? Yeah. I don't want to piss on somebody's seat. Yeah, but then people come around and go, oh, she's having a crap.

21:31Romesh Ranganathan:Well, they don't, because I don't know about you, but I'm slightly quicker at taking a piss than I'm a crap. No, but if I walk past the window and you're sitting on the toilet I assume you're having a shit. Yeah, probably. Where would you sit because I know you're an awkward going to the toilet guy. How would you be if you're sitting there and you're having a wee someone walks past knocks the window and goes you're right mate never drink. How would you be? What are you fucking talking about? What, you're sitting on the toilet? So is it a barbecue this? Yeah, you're going to someone's barbecue house parties I think, right?

22:01It's England England are playing, right? It's the England game. Right? you're like I'm just going to pop for a wee how well do I know these people? I don't know it's someone from say someone from the Off The Curd office okay

22:13Romesh Ranganathan:so I don't like them you know it's Rick from Off The Curd he's having a big big shindig you arrive Rick's like hey Rom how you doing if you need the bathroom it's in there just a ground floor don't use the upstairs ones mate it shows some respect Lisa kids come through ah you look lovely Lisa you alright so right that's all done right yeah completely needless for this example

22:44Romesh Ranganathan:I don't think there's anybody going and this needs more context

22:51so the football's on right Rick's like oh there's people arriving all day mate don't worry come and go as you please yeah if you get bored we'll go home go home

23:03what's wrong I don't know why it's funny it's so funny so everyone's in the garden barbecue's going he's got a big screen in his garden I've never been to Rick's house but this is what yeah right loads of different people are there that you know you need to go to the toilet yeah right do you ask permission or just sneak off

23:21Romesh Ranganathan:if he's showing me where the toilet is I'll probably just sneak off okay so you're going to the toilet yeah or if in the middle of a chat he's just going to the floor yeah Have a good one, mate. Who are you now? Rick. That's Rick. Rick's dancing. See him again? Have a good one, mate. Enjoy it. Thanks, man. Don't do anything I wouldn't. So yeah, you go to the toilet. Someone walks down the side of the house where the toilet is, you're waiting, and they knock on the window and go, Oh, Rob, I didn't know you were here.

23:54Do you, can you still go to the toilet, or are you alerted that you have to stop?

23:59Romesh Ranganathan:uh well i'm sat there now so i've been caught haven't i yeah so i'll probably just go yeah i would have another drink but you wouldn't would you be embarrassed i'd probably come out i would be embarrassed yeah then i'd come out and i go i would acknowledge it i guess it's a bit awkward yeah you've seen me on the night by the way i was i was having a sit down way i thought yeah i told everyone you have a shit yeah and by the way rick tom thinks you're a low life i was by the way i'm I've not even been invited. Yeah. Well, there's a certain tier of curvebacks that are invited. You're there, McIntyre, Domit, all the big names.

24:35Don't ever greet me with those names again.

24:38Romesh Ranganathan:I'm joking. Oh, why is it so funny, the thought of Rick just dancing? Nobody knows Rick, so I don't know how funny anyone else will find this. Yeah. Rick's quite cool, by the way. Yeah. He's very cool. Yeah, very cool guy. By the way, I will say this with Rick. because I don't Rick but I think one of the first things Rick would do if he bought a house is put a blind or curtains on the desk that is what that definitely is he's got very strict morals about that yeah yeah so I've used him as an example but that bears no that's not fair it bears no that's one of the probably the most offensive things I've ever said in this podcast I hope that Rick doesn't or just use him as an example well there's stuff that we didn't put in the edit isn't there yeah anyhow what about when you kept on demanding to know why I thought I had a right to support England

25:27Romesh Ranganathan:that was fairly offensive wasn't it it was it was um here's a question for you um has katherine seen you poo no has katherine seen you wee yeah have you seen katherine poo no have you seen katherine wee yeah yeah but like i've walked past the top when she's yeah you've heard each other fart i see him yeah um if you go to a hotel there's a reason for all these questions not just for my own personal memory bank. But if you go to a hotel, occasionally the bathroom kind of unit in a hotel room provides no privacy because they're seeing the two people. Can I say that's a fucking... If you've been to the hotels where they've got a glass window, looking into the bathroom.

26:12Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. They're insane. Yeah, that's what I mean. Fucking idiots thought that was a good idea. I know, I know. But there's an architect, pervert. Architects No, that architect is a pervert It's a pervert I don't think it makes you perverted to draw the blueprint for it Yeah, but if you're going Oh, sorry mate Pervert enabler, I'd accept Yeah, it's a war going up here Pervert facilitator You're going to be staying together, aren't you? Yeah, you're staying together No one needs to look in and see someone having a crap I agree That's what I'm saying That's the whole point I'm raising By the way, I think if it is a very limited if you're in very close proximity which I've been in that situation.

26:52I think one of you has, I'll often go, well, I'm just going to go for a stroll and I'll use the toilet downstairs in the lobby. That's what I do. You have to.

27:01Romesh Ranganathan:In that situation, you have to. Yeah. And then I think you then both, there's almost a code. This is the moment we're both going to take a dump. Occasionally, they've got the ones where if you stay at quite a fancy place, I don't know how fancy this is, but where there's a switch to frost the glass. Yeah. But sometimes you've got to find that switch. But what I don't want to see is, what I don't want Lisa to see is a silhouette of me shitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen Lisa drop a juice? No, no. Drop a juice to do so. Yeah. That's my fucking wife you're talking about. No, no, you asked me about mine.

27:33Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, I said in quite a gracious drop a juice.

27:41Romesh Ranganathan:Have you ever seen Catherine curl out a steamy fat one?

27:53Has she ever caught you, though? Caught me? No, like, you've got the door open. No, no, no, because I lock the door.

28:00Romesh Ranganathan:What, even when you're home on your own? If I'm taking a poop, the door locked. Okay. Has to be. Are you still phobic about doing it elsewhere, outside the house? No, I've started to try and get to grips with that a little bit, and I'm better at it than I was. I've come worse at it since I've known you. Really? I've come more, yeah. Well, we're probably approaching the same level, but it has to be I have to really be under the cosh yeah yeah yeah like for example for me to take a shit here no one else can be around probably Ben John well John feels like he can keep a secret well I don't want to say this on the podcast occasionally he's asked if I want to and if he could watch if that was the case or just listen in yeah but he asked it in a polite way he didn't say I find train toilets are ones that really throw me yeah and services yeah Yeah, but if you've ever had to go to the toilet and the services are low.

28:51It's awful, I thought.

28:52Romesh Ranganathan:I was on the train. Oh, on the train and you had a poo? Pardon? You had a poo on the train? No, but I was on the train not that long ago. And the guy that was, somebody was using the toilet, but had forgot to press the lock thing on the door. Yeah. And so I pressed the button and the door just revealed a complete stranger fucking in the middle of his business. Oh my God. He probably was like, oh, fucking hell, it's Romesh. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I took a selfie and then shut the door. Yeah. Could you shut the door from outside or did you have to do the thing where you put your No, he looked absolutely horrified.

29:25Of course, but then there's not a, the button to shut the door is in the inside, weirdly. I don't, I think he shut it.

29:33Romesh Ranganathan:I'm pretty sure he shut it. That's, that's a, because you've also got a whole carriage. What you don't want to do is go, let me shut it for you. And then suddenly you're in there with him. No, you've got to do that. Get that for you, mate. And a whole carriage can see him. that's a real there's no coming back from that no it's well people do the awful thing that people go yeah I would finish wash my hands open the toilet door jump straight out the window I think that's the only thing if that was your intent what you wash your hands and wipe your bum what's the point well because because if you die in the incident I don't want the police to find me with a shitty ass yeah but you you can't anyway I don't want them to go yeah we found a body 48 male has not wiped his ass.

30:20Romesh Ranganathan:And then Lisa's getting called, they pull the blanket and it fucking stinks.

30:28Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, he does smell. We think he might have taken a shit and not wiped his ass before he went. Like a weird dirty protest. That's a real, that's a bad one. That's a bad one. I've done it before. Like, yeah. Sort of walked in and, you know, so many men's tournaments especially around football tournaments locks just get kicked in and you open the door and someone's just sat there yeah I always found that it's a bad one what do you think it would take for you to take a shit at West Ham I'd sooner just I would actually I'm not just saying this I would rather and this sounds like an exaggeration I would rather shit my pants yeah than take a dump at Arsenal the theatre's the one that really when I went to watch your show I was actually dying for shit when I went to watch your theatre thing and I was like, I can't go.

31:15By the way, all toilets in theatres are terrible. Correct. I think they're so bad.

31:20Romesh Ranganathan:They're just, and there's not enough of them. I think there's a reason for that. Well, first of all, a lot of the old theatres. Everyone was smaller back in the old days. Yeah, exactly. So that's part of the issue there. Secondly, I think if I was designing a place like that, or if I was, you'd want the toilets to be unpleasant, to discourage people. So if somebody's 50-50 or they want to go or not, you want them to go into the toilet and go, I'm not taking a shit. Yeah. That's the idea, really. Yeah, but the fact is, as bad as they are, there's also so little of them. Like, when you go in there, there's like three urinals on one cubicle.

31:53And there's like, how many people sat in the theatre that you were playing? 650 something like that. 650 people. So the queue for the men's toilets is insane. Yeah. No, I get it. And you're fine, because you've got your dressing room, your luxury toilet and all that. Shared toilet. So you had a shared toilet? Yeah. What were the other guys?

32:11Romesh Ranganathan:No. I was sharing it with strangers in the street. No. Yeah, the other people in the cast. How many toilets have you had? There's one on each floor. Wow, fuck. I'd love to have come backstage with you and just had a little nose about. Did you have any pictures and stuff in your dressing room? Oh, I like that. Classy. I didn't have pictures. I had snacks and stuff. I did a film once with a guy who, in his trailer, he just, he put up all the things that he thought his character would have. He transformed his trailer. It was insane. It was quite cool, but it was fucking mad, like posters and sort of weird porn and stuff.

32:46Because they help him get into character? That's what he thought his character would be like. What do you think about that? It was a weird thing that Paddington did.

32:53Romesh Ranganathan:What do you think about people that do that? How much do you think that helps? I don't know how much it helps. I think there's a little bit of it that is... Because Brian Cox famously thinks it's bollocks. I'm sort of with him on it. Look, I think there's a fine line between it, but I'm like, how much of this, like having your trailer decked out exactly how your character would be is like going to help the fact that your performance, and by the way, it had the similar sized part in this film than I did. We weren't big, big characters in this movie. We were like both sort of peripheral characters.

33:28So, but even like, there was a tennis table competition we had, table tennis. and he wouldn't play because he didn't think his character played. So things like that, he was just very, very, I've never met anyone who played, he was so into his character and what his character was. And the porn was quite full on. Okay, so I thought you were joking, so he had porn. Yeah, porn on the wall. Like, yeah, no, no, no, serious. And then, yeah, I was like, and if I'm going to be quiet, I was like, there's nothing in your character from what I've read that would suggest that he'd be into this kind of pornography.

34:08This just feels kind of like... And there was quite a famous actress who was on set who would rip into him. She was like, what the fuck is he... What's he doing? I don't understand why he's got all these fucking weird pictures up. And yeah, it was a bizarre, bizarre thing.

34:24Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. Will you find it weird if you work with him again? I've worked with him twice. And does his character always happen to be into niche porn? when he's working on the backstory the second film i don't think i don't think i saw his it wouldn't i it wouldn't have shocked me if he'd been he would but again in the second film which is actually now i've never really thought the second film he was really into character as well and that was even more bizarre because it was a far less uh it didn't feel the place for it necessarily yeah he was a he was a yeah quite an intense chap so are you two a bit of a double like now then would you say i'll tell you something for now right the thirstiness i'm i want to be everyone's friend i like to get on with people yeah i'm also very fucking i have a certain acumen for when someone i'm like oh this person fucking hates me yeah and the very idea of being in my orbit makes him want to be physically sick yeah uh i go as far to say is we couldn't be more opposite he hated it to the point where if i walked on the yeah like the dining bus i could see him going nah yeah he was just not a fan on both projects he was he and he didn't really hide it um but yeah i sort of and both times i you know i i'd weirdly i really the first time thought oh he's a character actor and he's really into his part at the moment maybe his character doesn't like my character and the second time around i went oh no he just thinks I'm a ****

36:02this is yeah this is very much a Tom thing

36:05Romesh Ranganathan:oh I'm sorry to I can't imagine anyone disliking you yeah it happens by the way yeah I'm not fucking I'm like you're open enough to go yeah that's just how it is I just don't understand anyone could I'm not genuinely I just don't understand how anyone could not like you oh no no I find you annoying at times yeah yeah but there's an ill wish you'd shut the **** up on occasion sure there's an ilk of person that that i'm like catnip to is it catnip is catnip the thing that catnip's the opposite yeah so what's it to me yeah um there's an ilk of person who who yeah who are disgusted by me and my yeah and he yeah you know we like you ever been in a situation when you're as an adult where you're like it's not like being bullied but you're like oh my god like these these people just really that and i got stuck with them at the premiere and they were like, you three are together for a photo.

36:54And they were both, oh, like that. And I've never just felt so uncut. And me being me, I'm just then trying to have a conversation. I know, and then you're trying to counteract it. Yeah, and just think, oh, maybe if I do this, they'll like me.

37:05Romesh Ranganathan:Maybe if I do this, they'll like me. I wish I had the thing that you're talking about to bring it back as a callback. I wish I'd gone, like, I'll get it. You know what I mean? But you don't even have to say, like, that's another thing that we could all be better at, I think, a little bit. most of us, is accepting if somebody doesn't like you. I'm fine with it. But my thing is, my point is, it's like, I actually don't like really either of you two, but the difference is, I'm trying to be nice and cordial still, rather than actually, what my intention should be and what I want to do in this situation is do what you're doing.

37:41Yeah. I don't really, you've both been unclear and pretty clear and pretty, you know, shown your feelings. You've not hidden away from the fact that you're not you know so but then I through the whole of it have just been like oh you know well you know what I'll just try and be nice because and actually by the end of it I thought I should just be I should just fucking kind of without saying I think you're a pair of pricks yeah be just fucking the same but I found myself still trying to be friendly yeah and cracking jokes yeah I'm sorry to say that bro that was fucking life innit I'm not fuck that guy have you have you had that situation where somebody doesn't like me no yeah what what's

38:28Romesh Ranganathan:the closest you've had to something like that no i've had it loads of times uh traitors anything like that what are you doing i'm just always trying to sniff them out traitors i just want to get little juicy bits i feel like we've got them by the way can i say other people are really fucking monetizing and getting on the top of the traitors thing already what do you mean what other fucking people have been in your series of trades already like you know not they're clearly carefully not dropping any information yeah i keep saying to people who've got oh romish has probably told you stuff about traitors i'm like let me tell you something about romish rank and atham hilarious guy law friend you're gonna do a bank job or you're gonna do a secret fucking operation can't run my strength and atham he signs an nda i've never known anyone like it he takes it for fucking would you say yeah the the ink is like sacred to him no it's not It's just the NDA's done.

39:19It's like, you have my word, I won't say a thing. And I respect that about you.

39:23Romesh Ranganathan:No, but that's not just the NDA. I don't think, you don't want to know. I don't want to know. Even when people think they want to know, they don't want to know. I love watching that show. Exactly. And can I say, when you're best friends in it, absolutely delicious. Mark me down for a place for two. Yeah. And also, not only Ross Kemp, I was there too. Do you know, do you know, So on the first, I think I can say this, early on in filming, we got papped doing one of the missions, right? And then I think they, so when we were filming, they got like, I don't think I'm, anyway, I can say this. Understandably, production were a bit like, fuck, do you know what I mean?

40:03Romesh Ranganathan:We don't want this all getting linked out. What I don't understand is, right, I don't understand the logic in doing it, right? What happened? in it? Well, what I mean is, pap it and then release, if you want to release the photos, release them later on, right? But the thing about traitors is, it's not, it's not the work, it's like, the enjoyment is watching the show, right? And the enjoyment is part of the surprise and all of that. But you're dealing with gossip. Yeah, why are you ruining that? Because in the modern society, everyone wants that power. And power is having a bit of gossip. Every time you walk into a room or every time you go into new surroundings, having a little bit of a tale or something to say.

40:42so whoever had those pictures is power right so so as soon as they're walking in they've got a something to give to people to be fair those pictures did nothing because it's the first day everyone's in the picture i mean like you say i probably i mean i'm not even in the fucking show and i can tell you now so many people have stopped me in the street or chatted me on trains or whatever and gone what has one gotten a traitor or did beckett send it about you people are obsessed with it i'm like i don't know anything but also i don't i don't want to know i like it's one of the best shows in the world and if you took out the excitement of series one Alan Carr winning and you knew Alan Carr was going to win you knew that Joe Marlow and Nick Muhammad were going to have all that it's dead and gone without the surprise and the fucking twists of that show it's not really a very good show that's what makes it an exceptional show so if you want to ruin it my point was I just want a little bit of the tea I just want a little taste or was there anyone in there who sort of like gave the old Ranganathan the sort of bareback?

41:49Romesh Ranganathan:I can't even guess at what you mean by that. There's anyone who gave you the old hedgehog's prick. No, but what I would say is you've got 21 people in the castle. So I think you get on with certain people but more than others. It's not that you don't like, but what you're saying is right. I am the wrong, I'm not just saying this based on traitors, I'm the wrong flavour for certain type of people. Do you know what I mean? For me, I sort of think to myself, I love you. And the idea that somebody wouldn't like you, it feels really weird to me. But the truth is, there's so many different types, you know, there's certain types of personality that just rub people up the wrong way.

42:36Romesh Ranganathan:Do you know what I mean? And so sometimes you have to accept that however you are is not someone's. But the thing is, we grow up wanting such validation that somebody not liking you, your instinct is, I want to make you like me, but it shouldn't be. It's just, we ain't supposed to be friends. You don't like me and that's fine. What you don't want to do then is, that's why I said when you went, what do I have to do to make you like me? It's so far from, and I know you were saying it as a joke, it's so far from how you should be thinking. Oh yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like, because as soon as you start, and I'm not talking about basic politeness and consideration, I'm talking about your personality.

43:14Romesh Ranganathan:If your personality is not right for somebody, that's on them. Do you know what I mean? And I think like, we're all so guilty of going, I don't get it. I don't understand. I'm being really nice to this person. They just don't, they just don't vibe with you and that's fine. Do you know what? And it used to feel like, age is a good teacher of this and also it happened in before and you can beat the name up but and I've talked to you about this I don't know if I've talked to you I've met twice right on both situations I've really really tried to because it's right on both situations I've gone oh you can't you can't stand me you're only about what I'm about like you and that's fine I don't because why would he be if there's two polar opposites of people it's probably me and him, right?

44:04For me, I grew up watching him. I'm like, fucking hell, he's a legend, right? I'm like, what an incredible... But he's just not having me. And there was a time in my life that I'd have thought, oh, fucking hell, why? And it would have kept me up at night. Now I'm like, of course, why would he? Do you know what I mean? And also, fair enough to him. When I'm his age, and someone comes in, you go, oh, fucking hell, what a helmet this geezer is. Why are you making... Why are you going to make the time for it? Do you know what I mean? And so I get it. and I don't sit here feeling sorry for it. And I can be quite a big, not a big character.

44:37I know my own, you know, what would be an irritant to some people and what would be annoying to some people. And likewise, when people say to me about you, they're like, if people fight with you, they go, oh yeah, I thought he was quite serious. I said, well, he's one of the least serious people I know. But also it's like, he might have just been having, like, he might have just been having an off date or quite a lot of the time, he's a really good listener and he's actually taking in what you're saying and you might be just misappropriating his body language but he's like I've known a guy for like fucking for what 15 years sometimes I'm talking to him and I go I'm thinking fucking and I know he loves me but it's like he's just taking it in that's why I think you've done very well in traitors by the way you've got no idea I've got no idea and this is what I love about it I'd be speculating with anyone but I think if you knew the rules of poker and how to play poker which I don't know if you do you'd be fucking a nightmare at a poker table this is the difference of me and you at poker right you get a good hand you get a bad hand I get a good hand I get a bad I get a bad hand

45:54that's the difference yeah

45:58Romesh Ranganathan:right Tomo it's about that time thank you well it's been a joy thank you for riding along it's been real fun I've enjoyed I've enjoyed this one me too yeah it's been like a delve in it's like being a sort of like deep dive yeah a deep dive into spirit and yeah I could actually this one could have gone for another hour yeah let's not let's wrap it up yeah I actually got real impact I just want to stroke your face for a little bit you know like when you see a nice cat or a nice dog you don't want to give that dog or cat a stroke that's how I feel about you right now ok why don't we wrap this up and we can see about you can strike my face now if you want come and bring it that's nice soft beard what are you using your beard it is actually what is it Tom Ford tobacco vanille oh wow I love a Tom Ford beard well anyhow opportunity knocks every now and again but is it not or does it silently come into the room like a ghost or a shadow see seldom you realize the times of opportunities in a room sometimes it can just be in the form of another person eyeballing over or maybe in the form of some food you've never tried go back to last week's opportunity can sometimes come at you in very different ways what are you supposed to do have a big net so you can catch your opportunity where it arises like a fisherman on the banks of a wily river or a sea fisherman on the banks of a wily sea

47:35or a horse rider looking for a horse and jumping on the back of it see those are physical things but opportunity seldom is it's more spiritual so what do you do do you let opportunity pass well sometimes you have to friend sometimes you gotta let it go because the opportunity wasn't for you there's someone else in the room who had a quicker net alas a saddle ready to put on the back of that broad horse sometimes it's up to you though when you see an opportunity to go hey pete hey sue notice you've got a bit of opportunity there mind if I jump in and share it see some opportunities aren't just for one person they're for everyone and that's the thing about life we learn a lot jumping in alone but we learn a heck of a lot more jumping in together

48:27Romesh Ranganathan:fucking hell you managed to pull something quite profound out of a real sack of shit there yep that last bit I've actually been proud of I think that might be my best ending for a while I've got no idea how much sea fishing happens on the banks. We should probably look that up at some point. Thank you so much for listening and watching the Wolf and Al podcast. Please give you a like and subscribe for your benefit, not ours. It does help us out. It's a mutually beneficial situation. If not, Johnny's coming for you. The coyote roars. Okay, bye.

49:08Tears MMA

From the publisher

How do you deal with people who don't like you?

The Wolf and the Owl join us again to talk about therapy, cortisol, managing stress and accepting that sometimes people just aren't going to vibe with you.

From an insight into Tom’s bedtime routine, to discussing the dangers of leaving your emotional "tabs" open and an important debate on poo etiquette, it's a varied episode packed with role plays, scenarios and advice.

Plus, Tom pushes Rom to spill some of the The Traitors tea and discuss why spoilers might be the worst thing about modern TV.

A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media.

Chapters

00:00 Intro

01:01 A sleep situation

06:25 Cortisol conversation

08:26 Therapy talk

11:40 A role play on speaking up

16:54 A stomach rumble interruption

17:26 Wrong words and Trumpism

19:45 Tom’s bathroom window beef

21:43 An awkward scenario

25:31 Poo etiquette

33:30 Method acting

35:04 How Tom deals with haters

38:28 Tom wants to talk Traitors

42:23 Not being liked

45:59 Tom’s Outro
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