Vernon Kay, Meditation Boners & Sensory Deprivation

0:15Romesh Ranganathan:Welcome to the email special of Wolf and Owl Podcast, where you listen to your emails and stuff and then we give you advice and solutions and hilarity ensues, but sometimes it gets serious. Sometimes it isn't serious. Oh yeah, oh yeah Oh child Things are gonna get easier Thank you so much. Wolfowlpod at gmail.com. Do you want to send us anything in? Ramashringer Nathan is the guru Would you like to read the first email, Tom? It's a short one Hey, haven't listened to your podcast but my brother keeps on sending me clips Sincerely, Justin That feels like someone probably one of us Is that well I do know a Justin but he listens to the podcast I know a Justin but he moved to the Isle of Wight do you think that was a positive thing or that felt like a slam to me yeah this could be fuck you Justin why is Justin emailed in just to go I don't listen to it this is a really good example of negging yeah it is but also it's very much the world that i don't know about you but this is what old friends or people i used to work with would do yeah they go like they'd see this as almost like not a compliment but i go yeah yeah i haven't i haven't seen any of your stuff but my wife watched king gary said it was all right i had a bloke who came to one of my gigs i used to work with on site and he came in he went i went oh my i was really excited that he was there i went to his name i said oh my fucking thanks for coming man and he went uh oh yeah no no i thought i'd come along well i never really watch anything you've done but yeah she likes it all until pointed at his wife um i often get i think this is this happens so much i think it's like a i would describe it as a regular thing like aphrodisiac well no it's a regular thing that's happened i would say it's happened to me 100 times no not 100 times but i would say 20 plus 20 plus times okay somebody comes up to you in a pub yeah and there you go um i don't know who you are but everybody i'm with seems to think you're a big deal.

2:17Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. So I just thought I'd come and say hello. That, it's happened to me so many times but I feel like the person doing it thinks that they're the only person that's ever done that or something. Or they think you're going to go, oh my God, do you know how refreshing it is to... Also, they think that you are the big I am. Couldn't be further from the truth. I mean, for me it's true. I've a generation of talent but, you know... You are, yeah. I heard you describe yourself in the one show as, yeah. Did I say that? A national treasure. No, but I was joking. that was a joke the way they've cut that by the way what do you mean in the clip it's you turning around and saying yeah I'm a bloody national treasure I was joking that was a joke yeah I had to watch the whole clip why did you watch the one show by the way because you're on it alright I always like you when you do those things by the way can I say yeah so you're not uncomfortable when you do those you could see that you hated being there sometimes now you're so fucking you're so you in it you're so relaxed that's very sweet of you to say but I guess that happens when you do a show 50 times.

3:15I like the one show. Me too. Do you know how I really like Alex Jones? He's so sweet. I love Alex Jones. She's so lovely. I think she's really, yeah. And you have Vernon Kay. Yeah. Looks like Bugbear with Vernon Kay. Oh. No, no, no. I like Vernon. Big fan of Vernon. Good guy, Vernon. I sent him loads of... He asked for some mandrel. I sent him. Never heard of it. I can only guess he found it disgusting and didn't like it. What did you send? Protein or electrolytes? Both. He messaged me and he said... He messaged you and said,

3:42Romesh Ranganathan:can I have some? He messaged me and said, oh, I see you're doing protein and electrolytes. He said, yeah. He said, oh, there's any chance. You know, he's a gym bod. It was just as we were starting out. And I was like, oh, yeah, of course, man. And what did you send him? I sent him some protein, some electrolytes. How much of them did he send? Oh, no, no. Yeah, one of each. I was like, here we go, man. I've known Vernon for a while. It's the longest now we've gone without talking. If Vernon had said thank you and asked you to hook him up with a lifetime supplier, would you have done that? Oh, I'm sort of insane.

4:12Romesh Ranganathan:Who is eligible for a lifetime's free supply of mandrel? Probably you. I'm not giving stuff away. Not just me, though. Catherine? Yeah. De Frond? Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't really partake in any of that stuff. He doesn't need to. One of the most attractive men I've ever seen in my fucking life. No, but no. My point being that Vernon is one of my favorite people to chat to on a basis. He has a way of making you feel very good about yourself. He's a very, very sexy, charming guy. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I was working with a very well-known actress, and we were on a set, and Vernon Kelly walked past... I've never heard a woman say this about a man.

4:54He walked past and went, fucking hell, I'll run the life out of that. It was insane. He was like, what?

5:01Romesh Ranganathan:I would love to have somebody say that about me. Honestly, the idea... Yours would be... Oh, my God. You know that guy? he shat himself in bed with my mate once. I imagine it's like, it would be something like this. Oh God, can you imagine him having sex? No, but Vernon's got, he's handsome, he's polite, he's sweet. Yeah. But yeah, I've never heard from him. So now I'm like, oh God. Yeah, Vernon, can you get in touch? No, no, more that I just now think, he obviously found it. It doesn't matter though, that doesn't matter, he should have been in touch, man. No, no, I don't want, also. Vernon, what are you doing, bro?

5:38I'd rather he just didn't like it in quite... Oh, sorry, Vernon, don't get in touch. What I don't want is I don't want him to feel awkward around me if I see him. Right, okay. I'm like, it wasn't for you. So have you seen him since? No. No. He's almost like, yeah. Were you seeing him regularly? No, but we live close to each other. Oh, okay, fine. He gets... What, in the new affluent place?

5:59Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. Yeah, okay. He lives in a nice part of town. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Vernon, we're only joking. We love you. I love him. But sorry that Tom's... If you sort of discover the secret that Thomas kept about Mandra, which is everything's shite. Oh, come on, come on. Hey, I need, we need sales. Great product. Yeah. By the way, actually, one of the things I haven't told you, Theo, big fan of your protein stuff. Really? Yeah. I'll send him. So thank you. Theo's got a lifetime, obviously, by proxy, because he's related to you. And I love the electrolytes, as you know. I can't have the protein. Yeah. Well, we're trying to work on that.

6:29Because I'm allergic to it.

6:30Romesh Ranganathan:No, no, no, no. Because it's plant-based. Because you really do get worried, don't you? Yeah, no, yeah. Because you've got to be careful for the slander in this modern age. It's got some toxins in it. What was that study? Just the plastic. He had to recall the latest. That was all Jack. We were supposed to recall.

6:53No, it's very good. It's good, well-made protein. Very well-made protein. Decent for you.

7:01Romesh Ranganathan:Dear Wolf and Al, I'm a recent listener to your podcast and have found your novel content hilarious, as well as quite a welcome break from the cookie-cutter-style content of other podcasts. What's cookie-cutter-style? As in just sort of standard production line, you know, bullshit. Oh, okay. I'm guessing off-menu parenting hell. I wanted to reach out and tell you about an experience I had a few weeks ago. I had just listened to the episode when Romesh disclosed he had got a boner whilst meditating at home. Oh, man, I forgot about that. I was roaring with love to thinking, what the bloody hell do you think about when meditating?

7:31Romesh Ranganathan:Little did I know that it could simply be the meditative state that brings on these levels of arousal. You know, by the way, just quickly, I don't know if... He is a big meditator. And yeah, he was saying that his erections and the size of his penis can be quite... I don't know if I'm going to cut this. Oh my God, what are you doing? Sorry. Because I think I'm just having a chat with you. I forget it's been recorded. Just by chance, I happen to be trying out a sensory deprivation flotation tank the very next day. The experience was incredible. I'd recommend it to anyone. I felt like I'd had a 12-hour deep sleep in the space of an hour.

8:03Romesh Ranganathan:I was relaxed physically and mentally I'd been raving about the benefits to all of my friends The thing is, none of them I know experienced the same unexpected arousal levels as Romesh Midway through the session, things started to jingle downstairs Oh wow And I found myself harbouring the most stonking boner I've had for a long time I have no idea where it came from I wasn't thinking about anything erotic But I figured, hell, let's go with it What does that mean? Probably had a, I'd imagine, just had a toby tank Not in the flight, not in the fucking That would be an awful thing for the purpose that got in there after well I assume there's some sort of fucking aftercare after you've got yeah well I wouldn't have thought you'd have to go I won't rise around with a fishnet and see if anyone spunked in the float my question to you guys is do you know the science behind why this happens or if that's too highbrow fuck you man are there any other boner related meditation stories that's clearly relatable to middle aged men yours in meditative boners big buffalo I think you know what I think shout out big buffalo by the way yeah shout out big buffalo slightly bigger weren't you during that old session you dirty bastard i can imagine it was a um i think it i think it's a state of just being in complete relaxation and and pushing any thoughts outside your head yeah and and the breathing i think then just helps everything along in that in that circumstance yeah i think it's uh you become completely relaxed and then because a lot of the time as men of our age we're walking around with a certain amount of angst yeah and cortisol just running through our veins for adults with crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms every choice matters.

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10:42Romesh Ranganathan:If I asked you to get an erection now, I'm not asking you to do it now, but if I did, if I said to you, right, Tom, get an erection, how quickly do you think you can get one? I think it would be strange if I sat here with you and John. I'm not denying it would be strange. My question is, could you do it and how long would it take you? I'm allowed to nurse my penis to get it. I don't really want you to slap life into it. I'm talking about mainly mentally. I think it would take a while to relax in this room with the three of us. I think that would take some time, sitting here. That would be a real low, by the way, to be forced into a situation where I've got to try and achieve an erection.

11:19Do it. Can I say it? One of the most... so when i don't know if i've told this story on here when we were in jersey me your brother and grats we were um we got fly out uh on a friday evening and we've got two shows on a saturday when we land i'm like let's just go and have a look around jersey see what it's about i've never been here before they're like your brother was talking about erections your brother was very excited about a car rally thing that they had old cars and escorts and stuff your brother and grats both love cars yeah i'm obviously a big fan um you mean you're a fan of them as a motor transport Yeah, as well as transport, I find it hard to get as excited about seeing like a 1992 Mercedes as they do.

11:59Anyhow, we're walking around. We're going for a little bowl. By the way, Jersey, I don't know if you've ever been. It's like Magaluf. It's like insane. Every pub is packed. It's like a Friday night. It's quite balmy. It's quite hot. But anyway, walking along, you're like, oh, great energy in town. It's great. And then Gratz nudges me. He goes, oh my God, look at that. And in the doorway of the co-op, right, there's a guy, mid-50s. he's got his golf cap pulled up like that his golf polo's over his tummy and he's making out with this woman like heavily petting and he's got his cock out and she's wanking him off in the doorway of the co-op you're joking no oh so your brother and grats which co-op was this?

12:41she's almost there which is weird because she had her Tesco's out no but it was so fucking and there was a pub full of people just outside. And were they all looking? No. It was like, occasionally someone might turn their head, like, see if he was still there. His dad's still there. But it was fucking, I've never seen anything quite like it. In the middle of the street. It's like nine o 'clock at night. Half nine.

13:05Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, I don't know what time that's okay, but. Yeah, that is wild. Jersey. Yeah. Ranganathan, Just you walking around. in a golf cap and a golf follow just what you like about this you about that life I'm just going to wander around and say what happens anyway we haven't really got actually after saying fuck you we haven't really got a scientific explanation but I understand why you would do yeah at some point we're going to have our last one our last direction yeah it's probably that far away and you won't know when it's happening yeah yeah Christ okay do you want to read this last one what's wrong I'm worried about a stink you just bought literally just bought that top no no I don't know if someone else has worn it and then yeah do you know what you've put on a shirt it stinks can I say the most logical thing is whoever tried that on before you stinks that's the most likely no no can I say you've been talking go back a year or so ago the Arsenal shirt yeah I know you're right do you know what shame on me yeah I bought an Arsenal shirt, the pink one, stank a BO.

14:20Yeah. Unlike the one that we brought you, or John brought you, which has never been used. It's sad to think you wore a BO shirt for a whole game. Well, I washed it, didn't I? Yeah, no, no. You couldn't wash it at the stadium. No, that's true. You'd rather walk around stinking a BO than wear it. What could we get you on the back of your Arsenal shirt?

14:38Romesh Ranganathan:I don't think a 48-year-old man should have any name across the back of my shirt. We'll pick a player. Are you going to have something ironic? Like what? Like used to play here, number six.

14:51Romesh Ranganathan:Right, do you want to do this email? What about just championos? Championos? What's that? Championos, championos. Dear Wolf and Al, love the pod and enjoyed seeing you both in Brighton. Thank you! My email may fall into the am I the arsehole category, but I'm almost sure it's not me that's the arsehole. I work in a clothing store and over the years have had to deal with many strange customers. However, I was recently godsmacked by a seemingly nice normal man. Mid-50s in a golf outfit. I'd say he was maybe mid-40s. Ask for a wank. I took him outside the co-op and polished him off good and proper.

15:32He stopped me and said he would like to complain about the men's pants. I said, okay, what's the issue? He then proceeded to tell me that the men's pants used to have a fly hole and that they no longer have one. And in his exact words, he said he preferred to poke it out of the hole and now inconvenient would have to poke it down the side or even worse, pull his pants down. This was accompanied by actions. According to him, the pants obviously had a design flaw and would now have to shop elsewhere. Sorry, pull it out the side. Yeah, that's mad. Have you ever done that? No. Pulled your penis out the bottom of the...

16:08No, no,

16:09Romesh Ranganathan:I'm saying no. I mean, you go over the top, right? Yeah, I've never, None of us has done it. Good. Am I the arsehole here and thinking a few things? A, you're speaking to a shop assistant who has absolutely nothing to do with the design and supply of anything in the shop. What exactly do you think I can do about it? And B, is it not slightly pervy to be speaking to a female shop assistant about how you'd like to position your penis when you take a piss? Maybe I'm being unfair and this bloke is a genuine complaint and is within his rights to complain. What do you think? Is this something you would deem okay?

16:41Love the puzzle pelican. I'm going to jump in here. This guy's a piece of shit.

16:44Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah, he's an absolute fucking woman. Absolute piece of scum. This guy, by the way, to pick out a female member of staff. Disgusting. Like, this scum, but he doesn't deserve to wear nice pants. You, I hope that you somehow hear this and say this, you're a fucking prick. You are a, this, can I shout out to this person? Yeah. If you're carrying away around the weight thinking you're an, in this situation you're not an arsehole, you're a credit to the organisation in which you work. Yeah. I think you're a brilliant member of staff. We'd love you to come and work here at the Wolf and Iron. Puzzled Pelican, we're very sorry that you had to go through that.

17:18Romesh Ranganathan:In answer to your question, let's take this. If he's really got a complaint, there's a way of... First of all, he shouldn't be complaining to you. You didn't make the pants. It was a Bangladeshi 12-year-old, right? Second of all... By the way, I love the thought that there's someone sitting there just going, this will fuck with these pricks. I know. Just sew up the phone. Who uses a... I know. I'm sorry. I don't think I've ever used the piss hole in pants. No. I don't know who the fuck is using that hole. If anything, I think they're a fucking, they're a hazard. Yeah, that's another red flag, by the way.

17:51Romesh Ranganathan:Yeah. And also, in addition to that, there is a way of describing that problem. Let's assume that it's okay to make that a complaint. There is a way of describing that without demonstrating what it is you're talking about. He's a pervert. He's a fucking pervert scum. And if he ever comes back in the shop, I think you should call the police. Yeah. He's a piece of shit. Have his hard drive checked out. Yeah, he's a fucking dirty fucking bastard. Sorry. It's horrible. Oh, there's a picture attached. It's Josh Whittaker. I just don't know where to pass. I've got to go down the side.

18:30You couldn't imagine my surprise when I realised he'd now become the host of my favourite dance show.

18:38Romesh Ranganathan:It was only when he started talking about Blur that I thought, who is this guy? Okay, thank you so much for sending your emails in. If you'd like to get in touch, and it can be any old shit, you can email wolfalpod at gmail.com. See you next time. Please remember to like and subscribe. Love you. See you through the ether.