Your circle is your ceiling: how to build the support system that changes your life with Dr Lalitaa Suglani | Future Self Series Ep.10

0:00Grace Beverley: Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, email, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the Headline Hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's G-O-O dot G-L-E slash workspace with Gemini.

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1:59Grace Beverley: What is up and welcome back to Working Hard. We have made it to part three of the Future Self series, which means that we have covered the plan to get to where you want to get to in your life, what your kind of dream life looks like. We've covered how to execute it by deep diving on specific areas of your life. And now we're zooming out to look at the systems and as part of that, the people around you. Because I really do believe that who and what's around you either carries your plan forward or completely dismantles it. Often without you even noticing or without you even knowing that that's one area that your life is actually not where you want it to be.

2:34Grace Beverley: And when I was planning this series I really wanted to include this episode because for all the goal setting and habit building and reverse engineering we've done in the last few weeks, your circle, whether that is your close village or the people you barely know but have connected with on LinkedIn and maybe had a little conversation with a networking event, can have a massive impact on your surface area for success. And I feel like there's this idea that success is largely a solo project, that if you want something badly enough and you work hard enough, you'll get there regardless of who is in your corner.

3:05Grace Beverley: And I think actually in recent years I've really realized that I just don't think that's true. I think your circle is genuinely one of the most powerful variables in whether your future self-plan actually comes to life, and yet it's one that most of us have often never been intentional about. And as I said in our surface area for luck episode back in August, this is not just about your closest friends. I am a strong believer in having like close friends from all different walks of life and they don't necessarily need to be forwarding my career in some way. Friends serve lots of different purposes and a lot of them are around companionship and camaraderie and like shared humour and experience and all of these different things.

3:41Grace Beverley: But your wider network, your acquaintances, the people on the edges of your life who you might not think about that often are so important in terms of how you shape your life and how you build your future. We've talked about this before but research from a Stanford sociologist called Mark Granovater actually shows that most of the time it's those weaker ties, so not your inner circle, it's those weaker ties, those acquaintances that open the most unexpected doors in your life and can give you the shortcuts to get you closer to the opportunities you dreamed of in episode one of this series. So today we're going to be getting into what it means to have a village, how to widen your outer circle, how to surround yourself with people that push you forward whilst also making sure that you still have great friends from lots of different reasons and how to be intentional about your circle in a way that most of us have never been taught.

4:30Grace Beverley: And the expert who walk us through all of this is the brilliant Dr. Lolita Saglani. Dr. Lolita is a leading psychologist who specialises in human connection and behaviour. I think this episode is so important and I separated it for my episode on romantic relationships because I don't think that we often give ourselves permission to be honest about whether the people around us are right for the life we're building. Not in terms of like only having people around you who have the careers you'd want to have, but in terms of your mindset, your support, all of these different things that actually build your life into the type of life you want.

5:02Grace Beverley: I'd be so surprised if you were looking at your future self-plan and it had nothing in there about having great relationships and friendships. Like talking quality of living wise I don't think those you know ideal and not having that are even compatible as with all of these episodes she's going to be taking over the working hard newsletter this week so that means you have extra homework in there in order to be able to actually put all of this into the action with really really great resources so that will be going out the day after this episode drops I will leave the link in the description for you but with that I will leave you in the very capable hands of Dr Lalita.

5:32Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: Thank you so much Grace for having me welcome back to episode 10 of the Future Self series. My name is Dr. Lalita. I'm a psychologist, I'm an author, and I'm so excited to be here to talk all about relationships. So this is part of module three, which is all about the systems around you that really help you to become successful. So today's system we're going to focus on is all about your friends and your family. It's your interpersonal relationship. Today I thought we'd do something a little bit different. So I'm going to be answering your friendship dilemmas. I hear these dilemmas often that come up in clinic.

6:04Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: And for me, it's really important that you understand like what do you need to do how do you need to help yourself so let's get straight into it so thank you to everyone who has sent in their dilemmas we are going to start with dilemma number one which is i've just told my friends i'm going to go freelance and start my own business but every single one of them kept dwelling on how risky the idea was i felt confident with my plan before now i'm really starting to doubt myself should i be listening to them or am i surrounding myself with the wrong people i think first of all we need to understand that the people around you they don't see the same vision they might be coming with their own insecurities, their own doubts.

6:36Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: Depending on what your relationship is like with this person, let them know that when you say this, it makes me feel like I'm not capable of doing this. And that can deepen the connection, but it can also make you realize that actually maybe this friend isn't the right person for me to talk to. Don't stop living and dreaming and doing the things that you know you're capable of because someone else can't see what you can see. So dilemma number two, my best friend is brutally honest. She will make quite cutting jokes often and then downplay it saying it's just tough love and that I'd rather hear it from her.

7:04Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: But recently it's dawned on me that I leave nearly every conversation with her feeling pretty awful about myself. Am I too sensitive or is she being a bad friend? So this is one I actually hear quite often in the clinical space and that's when we are growing in relationships. And often when you say something to a friend, like say for example you're saying oh I'm going to this event tonight or you're saying oh I'm wearing this new outfit to this event and then they turn around and they are brutally honest and that makes you question yourself. It makes you doubt yourself and you're thinking hang on is this too much or should I be doing this?

7:31Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: And often it's because maybe they have their own insecurity. They have other things going on for them and they might be projecting out what's going on. And we don't want to ignore what you're feeling because what you're feeling is important. So if you are feeling drained, if you are feeling exhausted and you're feeling that actually I want something more authentic in a relationship and I feel this relationship isn't giving me that. It's great that you're acknowledging and you're starting to notice that this relationship isn't giving you what you need. Dilemma three. I recently moved to a new city alone away from home.

7:58Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: I don't have much of a circle except for two close friends I knew before. Everyone says I should network and build my village but it's so hard making friends as an adult and the idea of a networking event makes me feel sick. Where should I start? So this is something I hear a lot in clinic and that is how do I make new friends as an adult? How do I connect with new people? Because everyone already has their groups and their social circles so who am I to start intruding? But that's not true. There are so many adults who are going through a growth or a self-development journey and they are looking for people who are like-minded so you're not alone on this journey and people will say like well where do I meet these people well there's so many different spaces that you can go there's different covens there's different events that you can attend there's different spaces that you can go in and often you are maybe an individual who doesn't really like surface level talk but why are you pretending to be someone you're not you don't have to perform go in there and really ask questions that really align with who you are go in there getting to know the individual and if the other person doesn't reciprocate maybe that's not the person for you don't let that put you off because you may meet someone, you just really don't align.

8:58Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: And that can feel exhausting. It can feel isolating, but don't give up because I know from the therapy space, there's so many like-minded people who are trying to find these connections. Dilemma number four. Whenever something good happens to me, like a promotion or a new relationship, one of my oldest friends goes weirdly quiet or makes a jokey comment that stings a bit. When things are going badly in my life, she's amazing. Am I overthinking it? This again is something I hear a lot. We often say, look, there's something written here, which is oldest friends. And we feel like we need to cling on to our oldest friends because we've been through so much of life together.

9:30Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: But at the same time, you're acknowledging that, hang on, when I'm saying this is an achievement, they may not be giving the same celebration as someone else who I've recently met. And that might not be because they don't celebrate you. Maybe there's something else going on within them. Maybe it's bringing up their insecurity. And it's not your job to fix that. Remember, we're all on a journey of growth. We're all constantly learning more about ourselves and learning more about our needs as individuals. and you might get to a point which is like hang on this might be my oldest friend but I don't feel like I'm getting what I want because these new friends are showing me what it feels like to be celebrated it doesn't mean that you have to cut them off maybe you have a conversation with this individual maybe they don't even realize they're doing what they're doing so when you are having this intentional conversation and you're saying when I share some good news I notice that sometimes you don't really celebrate by you having this conversation she learns and she understands that hang on I didn't realize I was doing this so I didn't realize this was what your need was now it might go that way and you guys grow deeper in that relationship but it might also go another way where that individual becomes defensive and sometimes that can change the dynamic of the relationship you might feel fearful of bringing something up with an old friend you feel i don't want to rock the ball i don't want to upset them but you also have to be intentional you don't also want to limit your own growth and stop yourself from shining because you feel like you're being too much for someone else or you don't want someone else to criticize you dilemma number five i've been friends with someone since we were 11 but lately I feel like I'm constantly the one putting in all the effort to keep the friendship going while she takes a backseat.

10:56Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: We've got nothing in common anymore and I've started dreading our catch-ups yet I feel so so guilty even thinking about pulling away. Am I a bad person and how can I break up with her kindly? This is another thing I hear a lot about in clinic and this is about when you get to a point with your friendships where you feel like actually I feel like I'm the one putting in the effort. I'm the one who's considering the other person. I'm the one who's making them a priority. I don't feel like I'm getting that back from this person. Maybe they don't realize that actually you're not feeling considered because they've got caught up with something.

11:24Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: Maybe that something else is going on for them that you're not aware of. So initially having a conversation can be helpful because it allows you to put your cards on the table for you to share like what you're feeling and for them to come back and share what's going on for them. Now if you feel like you've shared that and they are defensive or things haven't changed then maybe it's time to put in some boundaries. And boundaries meaning that you're not constantly putting in the effort. You're not the one who's constantly considering them and putting in all your energy and feeling drained, exhausted, frustrated, resentful and also maybe acknowledging where are you on your growth journey because maybe once upon a time you would let people treat you a certain way but because you're growing and you're developing in who you are you're now realizing actually I want more in my friendships like I don't want to be the one who's constantly ringing up to make the plans to arrange when we're going to catch up for us to meet up and it all be about the other person like what about me and this is something I see massively in clinic where people are growing and they start realizing hang on once upon a time I was people pleasing or I was in this perfectionist element and I had to be there for everyone else and you get to a point now which is you're realizing these are my coping strategies once upon a time but I don't need to do that anymore because I realize I'm worthy and I don't want to tolerate relationships where I'm not feeling considered and that's okay to do so taking a step back might be that I'm not messaging as much now if that person does reach out to you and ask like what's wrong maybe then you say look can we have an honest conversation and make it clear that look I'm feeling that I'm growing on my own journey but I'm not feeling that I'm getting what I need in this friendship so I did take a step back now when you're feeling guilty because you feel like I've taken a step back we have to look and understand what does that guilt mean because that guilt is communicating something to you and often it's saying I'm a bad person if I step back because what if my friend needs me or what if they don't like me anymore or what about if they speak badly of me but we need to step away from that guilt and learn to regulate it.

13:13Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: It means learning to sit with the guilt. Understand that if I'm backing away and I start to notice this guilt that's coming up I might be feeling dysregulated. My nervous system might now be feeling like oh my god I need to quickly make this better and overcompensate and quickly reach out to her so I feel okay. But that's not the way forward because your guilt is always going to be the driver. So come back to your needs, come back to being curious with your emotions and learning to sit with the discomfort to be able to help yourself really align with the friendships that do mean so much more to you.

13:43Grace Beverley: Hey, we're Nick and Jack hosts of the best one yet behind every episode. There's research, email, spreadsheets, and our shared Google doc, the headline hammer with Google workspace with Gemini Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use like Gmail docs and sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's goo.gle slash workspace with Gemini.

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15:18Thank you.

15:19Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: So we've had a lot of submissions of people asking specifically for this topic. And this is something that I feel is really important because sometimes it makes us doubt ourselves. So I'm in my late 20s and happily single. All my friends are either married, engaged or have moved in with their partners. I love my mates a lot and I'm super happy for them. But we hardly ever spend time together anymore without their boyfriends tagging along. And I'm happy to be independent. But I've started to resent how they all save their fun plans and holidays for their boyfriends. And they don't prioritize me.

15:48Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: How should I deal with it? So here are my top three tips for this dilemma. Number one is first of all acknowledge. Acknowledge what you're feeling. If you're sitting with resentment, if you're sitting with rejection, if you're sitting with abandonment, really be curious with what's coming up for me and what is this emotion trying to communicate. Number two is try to communicate now how you're feeling to a friend. So whichever friend you are feeling a certain way with, have that conversation with them. Let them know that this is what's going on for you and maybe create a plan of like how you can just spend time alone with that friend.

16:15Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: And number three, start looking for other spaces. Maybe you have hobbies and interests that really align with where you are at right now. So maybe go on Eventbrite. Have a look at what events are around me. Looking on Instagram, looking at TikTok, there's so many spaces now to meet new people that perhaps you don't even realize are out there who are in a similar space to you looking for like-minded people. So don't give up and really listen and acknowledge what's going on for you. So dilemma number seven. My family think my career plans are unrealistic and I'm not in a sensible industry. And they tell me constantly.

16:44Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: I feel like they never really support my life choices, whether that's my job or my choice of partner. I still want a relationship with them and I know they're good people. How do I get them to support me? This can feel so, so difficult because you want your family to love you, to care for you, to see what you see and to support your decisions. And often they come from their own perceptions of life. So bear in mind, they might have gone through something where maybe they followed a certain career path. And when they did follow that career path, it wasn't the right thing for them. But you have to remember what's yours and what's theirs.

17:15Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: You have a plan. You have a decision that you've made. And we can't get that colluded with what's going on with your family. And yes, you may want to make your family proud, but we have to remember as well that you also need to follow your life journey and your sole purpose in some ways. So don't let your family dictate your next step. And maybe you think about like, what do I want to share with my family? What do I feel is important for me to share? Where do I feel like their limitations might be in them giving me advice and them giving me support? Now, we can also try and communicate with our family just because they don't understand or they're coming from their own fears that we just ignore it and we just let them go.

17:47Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: No, let's try and communicate with them and tell them that, hey, look, when you're sharing that, it's making me feel really scared. That starts a conversation because maybe then they will turn around and say, well, when I started my business, I failed at it and I lost this much money and I was in debt. So you hear where they're coming from. Now, if family is constantly pressuring you to do something, that may mean that you need to set a firm boundary. If we think of like what a boundary is, it's almost like putting gates around your house. And these gates are like, right, I don't want anyone to come into my space.

18:14Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: And if people are, we have to really hammer down these gates. Maybe we just need to be a little bit firmer with our response back and saying, look, thank you. I know that you care for me, but I need to live this life. I need to do this for me. So thank you to everyone who sent in a dilemma. If it's just one thing I want you to take away from today, it's to remember that your circle is so important. Now, if you imagine like in your fridge, you've got strawberries and there's one strawberry that has mold on. Guess what? By the end of the day or maybe by the end of the next day, all of them will have mold on.

18:40Dr. Lalitaa Suglani: And that's an example of what can happen when we are surrounded by people that may really be limiting us and stopping us from showing up and shining as we are. So if you want to hear more about me, there's links in the description and feel free to reach out. And you can also get a copy of my book, High Functioning Anxiety, which is where I share a lot of information about how we show up, why we show up and where these patterns come from. I think that's everything for now. So back to you, Grace.

19:05Grace Beverley: Right, it's Grace here again. I hope you really enjoyed that episode. I hope it maybe gave you some food for thought on maybe a few honest conversations to have because it definitely did for me as I said when you're talking about building your dream life there is so much in there about friendships and relationships and your circle and that is what makes up so much of a good standard of living so I think it's really important to talk about when we're talking about these things so obviously a massive thank you to Dr Lolita for contributing to today's episode and thank you as always for listening and supporting the podcast during my maternity leave we'll be sharing a lot more in-depth stuff on the science of your circle over on our Instagram this week.

19:40Grace Beverley: So I will see you there. Otherwise, I will see you next week when we are getting into romantic relationships, whether you and your partner are actually building the same future or whether the partner you have in mind for yourself for your future is actually going to work with you to get to the life you want, which I'd say is maybe a topic that a lot of us avoid or maybe don't think about enough, but is arguably one of the most important factors when you are reverse engineering your life.

20:11Grace Beverley: Hey, we're Nick and Jack hosts of the best one yet behind every episode. There's research, email, spreadsheets, and our shared Google doc, the headline hammer with Google workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools. We already use like Gmail docs and sheets, no new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work upgrade to Google workspace with, Gemini at go.gle slash workspace with Gemini. That's go.gle slash workspace with Gemini.

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