#22 Planning, packing and panicking

22:51Denis:Sure, they could be like you, you know? Some lad's lying in the bed in his pants. Lucky they didn't shoot you. And there's no one there. So, anyway, we're trying to find out. I can't get in touch with anyone on Facebook. No one's responding or whatever. What we start doing is I start building clues for him and it starts turning into a game. And he's radioing as well to the person, like, back in wherever the hell they are. I don't even know how it works. But he's giving them clues as well and they're coming back to him then going, oh, it might be in this area, that area, whatever. Driving around.

23:18Denis:eventually we're driving around for so long that he offers me a job in his family restaurant right gives me his business card a joke no this isn't a joke I still have the business card because I was looking for a job yeah so he gives me a business card right and then I say he goes what is the building like and I'm like it has it is like it's got like two grey brick towers and on the front is a red wall and he goes and then he says to me he's like I know where it is he's like I know where it is bangs on the sirens starts flying out to this place and it's right next to where his family restaurant is.

23:50Denis:Oh. And he drops me in, right? This is the worst part. This is the worst part. I arrive in, I'm so happy, right? Take off my clothes, look on my wrist, the address written on my wrist the whole time. Ah, get out. Totally forgot. Fuck me, Jess.

24:11Denis:When you arrive then on the first day, right, I think it's a really, I mean, it's a tradition to have an absolutely explosive fight. Tensions are high. The holiday ending fight always happens for me on the first day. Well, how did we get there now? Would you get a taxi from the airport? Taxi from the airport. Don't get me on a train. Don't get me on a bus. I try and eliminate all sorts of stresses. I don't want this faffing around of how do we get this ticket and that ticket and whatever. Get a taxi. And I'll always organise a taxi beforehand because, you know, isn't it sad too like that you go into the airport or something and they're like, don't get any taxis outside because they'll drive you to a dump and kill you, you know, or whatever.

24:51Denis:It's like, oh, well, maybe they could just, you know, sort that out maybe if it keeps happening or like that you're going to get ripped off, right? So I always book one and I have a person with a little name. It's the exact same. I find the name thing a bit embarrassing though. Yeah, it's great to crack though. I'd like that. Yeah, you'd like that. A bit of an announcement that I'm here. Have you been, now, let's not be racist. Oh, that's a good start to a sentence. No, because you have to be careful. But like, is there anywhere you've been where you were like, I'm not sure about this taxi, do you know?

25:20Oh, definitely. Where you've been like, I don't know, is this really a taxi?

25:25Denis:Well, I had the worst taxi experience of my life ever. And this was actually, someone was coming back to, it was an ex, was coming back to Ireland. Yeah. And we, I knew I picked the wrong taxi. Do you know when, because that was a rule that had to come into Ireland, right? There was, there was, there was taxi drivers that were basically complaining that people were skipping them and picking different taxis and they had to bring in a rule that basically you can do that, that's totally fine but like, you can, in Ireland you can just get a guy who hasn't changed his car since like 1972 and he's smoking, you know, like woodbine in the front and whatever and there's no seatbelts in the back and obviously you're not going to pick him like, you know This is tense territory now But why?

26:14The taxi drivers have a strong, strong presence.

26:20Denis:They'll kill you. This is like when Alan Partridge pissed off the farmers. They're very confident, aren't they, taxi drivers? Yeah, they are. I think they're always worried they're going to get pushed out because there's like Uber and everything else coming in. Go on. Well, I'm just saying that I'd like to choose my taxi. I don't care. But this I chose completely wrong. I was a bit frazzled. The lads started talking to us out the window. Irish fellow going like oh how are you getting back in your holidays and I thought oh this is great let's hop into this taxi that was a big mistake then he turned around and he offered us sweets that was the big red flag then I was like I'm in the wrong taxi right now to I'm going to walk a culturally sensitive line here but it was all him that was doing this so we're in the taxi my ex was was born in Delhi right lived there for 10 years then moved over to UK right and has a like had a very like because this is important like had a very RP accent very posh accent and so we're in there there is no reason for this man to ask any questions other than how's London do you know or what's it like living in London holy Mary mother of God he started on religion he started on all sorts of stuff and do you know what he did then Mark to really top off the trip to really get us started in Ireland and represent the country so well he did an accent this was our first time first time in Ireland first Irish person met in Ireland was this man driving forward offering us sweets doing an Indian accent dear god and then when he did that I said I was gonna strangle him I just goes that's enough now and he was shocked oh yeah he thought that like what are you talking about I am giving this person the best the best time in their lives and I just said that's enough now and he goes oh I didn't mean I was just like I just told him stop talk there's no way out of this and then we drove down to the hotel it was an absolute disaster I was sweating like absolute disaster We drove down to the front of the hotel.

28:15Denis:And I said to her, look, I'm just going to have a word there with the lad. And he turned around to me and he goes, I won't charge you at all for that. I was like, won't charge me. I want you to drive this car into the river after I get out of this car. Like, unbelievable. Oh, Christ. So we're on our holidays, right? We're going to be doing a lot of traveling, a lot of use of public transport, right? And this is a message that we got in from Pablo. Hello, Pablo. He's given us a title here as well in everything. It's called Grindr Hitchhiking. Oh dear. Are you excited? I wouldn't. So in the words of Pablo, I was trekking in mainland Greece on my own.

28:50Denis:I can't drive, so I was hitchhiking parts of the journey. I've just realized what might happen here now. Yeah. As public transport was patchy. One particular time when I had been lifting my thumb by the side of the road for about five hours, I logged onto Grindr and I spoke to the first square, who was a DL, no pic. Okay. What's a DL? Down low, discreet, hide it. Okay, okay. And I asked him if he'd drive me to the nearest place. Just context for a man who hasn't been on Grindr much. Is there no pictures at all or it's just hidden face? Sometimes it's completely blank. Okay, Grant. So this is risky business.

29:26Denis:All right. And I asked him if he'd drive me to the nearest place because I didn't want to make the whole thing sexual. I didn't ask him for pics. he kindly said he would give me a lift as he was coming my way oh dear as as gays we were very much past that this man could be a murderer yeah i waited around 20 minutes and he showed up well they did these two guys the driver in his late 50s and his co-pilot in his early 20s pulled up it turns out the driver was the grinder profile owner who could not speak a word of english but his son had been texting with me I'm afraid this is not going to turn into some incest three way scenario his dad had come out a few months earlier and his son who was straight was helping him use the apps and meet people isn't that nice it's kind of like a heartwarming slightly strange story right like where's the son going to go into the booth would you if Mr.

30:30Denis:Cox came out right blew up blew up in us right Mr. Cox came out would you set him up on Grindr and stuff oh god I think what would be more bizarre would be just your parents dating anyone again yeah I think that'd be the more but that's what I mean like as in besides it being on like your dad coming out or anything like that I just mean like this guy is setting his dad up to potentially have nice isn't it sex right yeah or maybe just make friends I'd make him a bit more of a profile he's not a friend make him a bit of a profile though show him off a bit yeah I wouldn't be maybe he's not fully out and about what happened did they ride we don't know that was it right that's it oh that's it next week I also love how you showed Mark's dad that little bit of respect by calling him Mr Cox instead of Michael Cox Mr Cox very polite of you I know very well reared I think we have to go.

31:28Denis:That's weird. It's weird. Well, you're being very nice about it, but I'm still alive. If you're only in your 50s, like you have a long life to go. No, nothing about that. I mean, your son driving your own for the ride, to pick up a man you don't know. Yeah. To what would be hitchhiking for a little handy or whatever. I've been watching the Fred and Rose West documentary. I've been watching it as well. And that's all I'm thinking about. They were horrible driving around, picking up people. From holidays to Fred West. But do you know what I mean? Wow. Yeah. Do you know what the gays need to learn to drive?

32:00This is quite a problem. Gays can't drive. A lot of gays.

32:04Denis:You're going to get absolutely dragged. Whatever, I'm sick of it. Dragged. Doesn't matter. But it's true, look there. What percentage of gays you think can't drive? Don't know. Gay men, I suppose we're referring to. There's something though that it's less, for some reason. I don't know why. I'll look into it. But it's quite, like a lot of my friends. It's a carpool. Yeah. So on your first day then, right after you've had your explosive argument from all the stress, Would you head out then or would you rest? Is the first day an active day? I'd organise my bits. Do you know what I've started doing?

32:34Big tip. I put the clothes.

32:39Denis:Is it though? Well, I put the clothes on hangers and put them into the bag. Oh, Mark. And you take, try it. And you take them out and they're already on the hangers and you hang them up. All done. It's great. it's a big trick I'm quite organised yeah but I think the level you're going to if you have like 10 t-shirts put them all on hangers put them together and then fold them up into a little rectangle and then you just take them out of the bag and the whole thing is done that's actually genius it's great have you ever tried that thing where you get all your t-shirts and you just kind of ball them up and you just put them into the suitcase yeah and then you have a panic and you get over there dirty ones and clean ones together oh just horrendous and you smell test them when you bring them on the suitcase where do you put your socks and underpants in the suitcase?

33:26Denis:They'd go into shoes and stuff like that. All around. Yeah, they'd be sprinkled with salt. No, I'd take it all out. If there was a drawer, I'd put all the little bits in there and I'd try and empty the suitcase so I know what I have. Because otherwise, you're just pulling out of the bag all week. You don't live out of the suitcase. No, get it all up. It takes five minutes and then you're ready to go. Are we in a house or a hotel? I assumed a hotel. I was actually going to ask you. Are we sharing a room? Is it twin, double? What are we doing? Might have a guest though. Oh, right. I like if I can if I can like work it out I love an apartment like an Airbnb if I can afford a nice one though because sometimes it's actually grim it can be very lonely so I'd like an apartment that's worth it that has like nice space or a hotel but I'd like a hotel that has that it's big enough that you're not noticed do you know what I mean yeah yeah you can wander down to breakfast I don't love a small hotel and there's someone on reception and they're very aware of all the coming and going one oh do you know what i mean by that you just unlocked something there for me we said you know it's the same thing as staying b &b's i think they can be a little bit like you know because you're not going to be riding inside there and stuff like you don't have to be quiet and you're in their house and whatever but like especially some of the irish ones like they they nearly want to be on holidays with you you know like you're not staying there you're on holidays with them remember myself and a friend of mine went down to b &b i don't know where it was up the west west coast somewhere uh could have been around your neck of the woods we rocked in and the woman uh like meets at the door and she's just, you know, she's a little bit invasive, like whatever.

34:54Denis:I was like, oh, no problem. She goes, one minute there, right, she went behind a glass door, that was her living room, farted, right, farted like seriously loudly and then just came around again and goes, sorry about that and I just thought like, and there's things up on the wall then, best B &B 2015 and I'm like, how are you after getting the best B &B? Maybe it was in 2015. Okay, so a big hotel. Yeah, but if we're going to Porto, I suppose I hadn't really thought about it, right? So would you be riding on our holiday? I think we'd need a break from each other. So maybe. It's fun. You head off.

35:33You have a little adventure.

35:34Denis:Well, I was thinking we'd be fairly at the hip now with this, like going to dinner and stuff. But if you have a holiday romance over there, I'm gone. I think it's no harm to go away and then you have something to talk about. So you've picked the place. I see what this is. you're just using me for half the hotel to go to a place you want to go with hangers we could have two we could have we could have two rooms I don't know I love my own space I hate talking small talking like do you know when it's like oh we go to bed now it's kind of shocking holiday yeah a little break and then you meet up you have a dinner and you've loads to talk about or you go down to breakfast oh so we're doing separate things during the day maybe could do yeah we'd often do that like so why don't I just go where I want to go I don't get up too early and I can ring you in the evening then and tell you how wrong it is get the news but he'd often go out I'm sure he'd go to the gym at like 6 o 'clock in the morning and I'd be on the bed and then we might meet up then for breakfast and have a chat and then we'd go do something and then yeah when you're going home for breakfast in the morning do you get dressed?

36:34Denis:like do you get ready? yeah I'm never sure I find if you can get up and out of the bed and just go down sometimes that is better and there's habit and then come back up and shower if I open my phone in the morning I could lose two hours you don't want to be doing that in a holiday and then should the hotel then you'd be admiring yourself and taking photos and then you post the photos and everyone starts writing back and should then the carry on starts half the reason you're on holidays the amount of time I do be often you could be on the other side of the world I spend thousands of pounds to get there and I'm sitting in a bedroom like talking to some eejit on my phone.

37:18What am I wasting my money here?

37:20Denis:Sometimes with you, Mark, you're like, you know, sometimes you go fishing there and you catch loads of fish and you're just like, will you go away, fish? Oh yeah. Will you go away? Oh yeah, it's all my own fault. I'm non-stop complaining, people messaging me. I'm like, if I just stopped taking dirty photos, they'd stop. Oh, here they are again. But should I miss them then? I think, for me, I have some sort of, I'd say I'd probably get it from my parents, maybe my dad or something like, if you pay for breakfast and stuff like, you're eating breakfast. it doesn't matter if you're out till 6 o 'clock the night before you're going down at 8 o 'clock bleary eyed all over the place drinking coffee going for seconds as well I'll be going for seconds and then bring a coffee up to the bed yeah I get everything get a bit of everything oh fucking do the dog get your money back at breakfast yeah like I'm gonna put them under pressure do you feel the little bit of shame about being a pig do you know the way well I wouldn't have viewed myself as a pig you know when sometimes they're like oh Oh yeah He's still here Yeah yeah definitely But it costs nothing I enjoy it Taking a few sausages I'd be making eye contact With people eating scones Like you know I don't care This is my second one Ram them down Ram them down Yeah So when you're having These little texting sessions In the morning Like have you Like anyone That spring to mind That stand out You know There's often a receptionist What?

38:36Chatting Very common Messaging you A lot of LGBTs

38:40Denis:Okay right Let's backtrack a little bit How do they get your contact details, Mark? Should the app? Grindr. Yeah, it's there. And then you'll see this one. Oh, but you're probably on Grindr and the whole Every Room Our Own Jays. Yeah, that's right, J. It's very easy. It's a bit too easy. It's a curse. Yeah, it's a curse. So a bit of that. You'd often find, yeah, there might be people working around, you know, the ones with the supplies. A bit of arse shaking here now for anyone listening. I'm walking up and down the hall with, you know, the trolley of bits. and you could make friends with them and they'd load you up with biscuits.

39:16Denis:Oh, to be honest, I just start stealing them. Start swiping them. Swipe at everyone. Bottles of water. Yeah, yeah. If I'm going past, I take all of them. Nothing, no. Nothing too dramatic. But yeah, there's always, if the bigger the hotel, obviously, there's obviously got to be... Have you ever been locked out of a hotel room? No. Have you never been locked out? Don't think so. Have you? I had a scary moment before. Got locked outside with, like... I was... I thought someone had knocked. I slipped out. I thought it was on lock. It wasn't. It was locked. And I was, I know this doesn't sound as bad, but I had no shoes or socks on.

39:50Yeah.

39:51Denis:And to go down to reception barefoot, I think a pig. Yeah, exactly. Here's the pig from breakfast and he's no shoes or socks on. And you come down and I think people get a little bit unnerved when you don't have shoes or socks on in a situation where it's not called for. Yeah. Do you know? Do you get, I find it, I get nervous. It's a bit like you need a bit of help. Yeah. so you come down you've got no shoes or socks on and you're going here's the piggy from breakfast and it's like I went to and I was almost apologising I was always trying to prove that I stayed there do you know what I mean I don't know why I get that a lot for some reason so Mark I was asking you about embarrassing stories on the holidays because we got a very interesting voice note from a friend of the podcast Sorka hello Sorka no I do want to put it out there at this stage that we myself and Mark have not listened to this James has been holding this one back so I'm looking forward to hearing to it okay On our sixth year holiday we went to Magaluf because we were really cool and we made friends with the boys down the hall because we were even cooler and they came to ours for afters I can't remember what it was but one of the guys had gotten a tattoo of a kettle on his bum and he was like kind of like yeah I thought it was a good idea and he was kind of clearly regretting it and he was like a little bit upset but he was also like kind of chill with it it was we're all kind of like laughing it off um and then the next night we went out again and then hopped up with them later again because we're really cool none of us guess by the way we're losers but um I remember it so well it was like classic Spanish holiday um hotel the balcony overlooking the pool and he was out there and he was like he was like oh we're like oh yeah he got the kettle and he was in floods of tears like he was really upset and he was on the phone and we were like what's going on we went out and he was bawling his eyes crying and he was on his phone to his mom he was like mom it happened again and it turns out that he got a second tattoo beside the kettle on his ass and it was just a little ice cream with a little tongue sticking out of the ice like an ice lolly like um and it was very very funny.

42:01Denis:Can I just say that sounds like a real Dennis thing to happen on a holiday that you'd get one tattoo and then oops. Yeah. And then just out of like I don't know sheer obstinance just get a second. Well there's two things I want to say in response to that voice note. One she definitely shagged the lad with the kettle tattoo. Yeah yeah. 100%. Anyone says oh we we didn't even hook up with him we never kissed him. I'd say all sorts. Riding around. Orgy. Have you done that? So I was I went I went on a big lad's holiday over to Crete. One lad was found on top of a fountain. What age? I was probably about 18, 19, around there, you know, prime.

42:43Denis:Went over, a great night out, and I woke up in the morning, and I got a bit of a fright because I went into the mirror. I was bleary-eyed all over the place. I looked in the mirror, and I had a dragon tattooed down the side of my face and down my neck. massive like a black dragon huge pretty cool well I didn't know so I got a heart attack right so I was like oh my god like I've completely ruined my life and I ran out and my friend Tom we'd stayed out the latest basically and we're staying in the same room he comes out and he's got no top on and he starts crying laughing like he thinks it's the funniest thing in the whole world I'm having a freak out and he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world and I said Tom have a look at your chest and he had a massive portrait of Che Guevara on his chest.

43:32Denis:Real? No. No, no, and then he starts freaking out. Where'd you get them? I just got them off some, you know, like woman on the side of the street. So the infection we could have got was terrible. Also, they were pretend. They were like henna tattoos or whatever, but they looked really real. So like we were, you know, splashing a bit of water and I'm hoping that a bit of ink could come off. We could see it coming off, but they last for, they last for weeks. But then what happened was because we're out there at the, we did this at the start, which was great. We're out there We're getting a little bit of sun and whatever, right?

43:59Denis:The tattoo fades. Except now I've got a burned-in dragon tattoo on my face heading back to Cork. Oh, like the pale... Yeah, the rest of me is kind of pink, you know, for my beautiful suntan. And I've got a white dragon on my face and neck. Horrendous. I don't know why they let us go on those holidays. Have you ever gone in a big old jaunt? No, not really. No? Not my thing. On your own. we used to go oh god will you remind me to give you more information on this every time I talk I'm like that's two hours of talking but we used to go around Europe with the priest of course he did of course he did as every great story starts we'll put a pin on that one and you can tell us I think we had a youth group and we used to go on trips around Europe when I was about 14 15 yeah and sure we were smashed.

44:56There's a lot of info. I'll tell you about that another time.

44:59Denis:Did you make, was there discoveries made on this tour? That'll do. So we've had a great time. We have to go home now. What's the last day? Or actually, do you know what? Booking the flight home. Are you booking in the morning or are you dragging the arse out of the last day? It depends on so much stuff. It won't, it depends who I'm going with. That's a big thing. Would you get up and go? Or would you be dragging a bag around the town? Oh, I have to put the luggage into storage. I have to put the luggage into the hotel or whatever. Or I have to put it into some storage place, which I'll find, or into the train station or something like that.

45:35Denis:I can't carry the bag around. Carry the bag home, I'm going home. I think sometimes, sometimes it's better to go away in the morning. I think if you're traveling with a group. Yeah. I think because everyone is a little bit afraid at that stage. It depends how the holiday goes. Like, you know, if I was traveling with Lisa, yeah, I'd definitely extend the day. You know, try and make the most of it, head home, then it'd be great. you're not watching the clock though kind of I wouldn't have the panic like it depends like if the airport is two hours away yeah then I think just head home in the morning because you're just fooling yourself otherwise yeah but otherwise I think you know I'd like to spend the last day there you know get a little bit yeah not too late though I don't want to be coming home the dead of night into London is there nothing worse landing into Stansted at half ten and that the trains are closed kill me I actually have no idea what the physics behind this is if there's any weatherologists out there please explain this to me I was we were I don't know it was ages ago now but I was flying in and we were above the clouds and it was the most beautiful day above the clouds and then we went it was daylight right then we went through the clouds into London it was Mordor like it was horrendous the sun is above the clouds I know but it was but it was so beautiful like as in but it was it was night time It's lovely up there all the time, yeah.

46:54But it was night time.

46:56Denis:But I mean, no more. I mean, the sun has to go away somewhere, right? Like that heads around the world or whatever. Yeah. But like, I think it's a scientific term. But we came in and oh my God, the instant depression that hit me when I got in there. Standing on the platform, everyone's... Getting on the National Express. And then landing into like Liverpool Street. I cannot handle those very late flights. They're always delayed. I'd like to go... I'd like a three o 'clock flight. That'd be nice. Just the shoulders are going now. Have the breakfast. Yeah. Maybe have another coffee, sit around. I wouldn't be doing much though the last day.

47:32I'm watching the clock. Yeah. And that's where like if you're in a nice hotel

47:35Denis:or if you're in Soho House. Oh, do you know what I hate? Lounge, you know. Do you know what I hate, right? No, not all of us would have access to Soho House, but you know what I hate? Is the Checo panic. Oh, holy mother. Are you good to check out? Will you be like, check out's 11 o 'clock. Are you ready to go? I'd be ready to go. What time are you leaving the room? I'd get the last of it. You'd get the last of it. But you'd walk at 10.59, right, with a suitcase? Yeah, I'd be gone. Lads, I never ever want to experience the knock on the door from the people going, check out, or whatever. Oh, my Christ.

48:10Denis:Well, it depends where you're staying now. That doesn't happen in nice places. It happens to us a couple of times. In a nice place? We got a deal, right, which was like late checkout, late checkout like midweek stay like this is the whole part about it and then at half ten we're inside having a lovely morning lad starts whacking on the door to check out and he goes out and we said we were like this is part of the deal but oh Lisa's great at this at least at least absolutely I should tell them oh it's fun to watch I love I love having someone who you're like oh I don't even have to take care of this like you know got the whole thing free and everything oh we did free taxi free hotels yeah so do you think we go on holidays again?

48:52I think it'd be nice, yeah. We set a few little rules and yeah.

48:57Denis:Didn't see much of you on it though, you're swanning off with Fernando. No harm, do you know what I mean? Okay, that's it. Thanks for listening to your internet boyfriends. Goodbye Dennis Lane. Goodbye Mark Teacocks. We have a new episode for you every Thursday. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok and you can email us at yourinternetboyfriends at gmail.com and we'll see you next week. Bye! Bye-bye.

49:49Denis:the whole network. Enjoy more from Young Hot Guys, The Lovely Show, Your Internet Boyfriends, The Dating Orange, and so many others. Simply use the code PODCASTDAY26 at checkout. Make sure to join before October 4th at headstuffpodcast.com with the code PODCASTDAY26 to claim your first month on us.