#25 Meeting the Parents - All of the Parents

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1:05Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark Teacocks. Hello, Dennis Len. This week we're chatting about meeting the parents, chocolate willies and flirting with nannas. And I'll be taking Dennis shopping for some romantic devices. I'm sweating. You are sweating. I wore a shirt that's actually a jacket. And you're a svelte man. Yeah. Still though, you do produce quite... The belly, the belly. Crevice. It's mind-bending. Yeah, I think, you know, when you're just a bit worked up and, I don't know, it's not just the heat, it's like I'm stressed about loads of things. Yeah.

1:46It's just coming out of sweat. It's just coming out of sweat. Yeah. What's your question?

1:52Denis:Mark, can I just say it right? Sorry. I just started thinking of all the things I have to do after this. I'm staring back at this man doing a podcast your eyes are closing a little bit sorry do you ever just actually remember your life and like oh my god do you ever get that thing where you're you're worried about something but you forget what it is but you still have like the physical attributes I have a list of things to worry about I have 10 things on my list that I'm urgently concerned about that need immediate action yesterday 10? yeah what can you give me any of them? trips travel jobs Jobs, swapping jobs, taking a job and then realizing it's clashing with something else and trying to decide.

2:36Jobs that I'm not prepared for. Do you ever say yes to things like I can't do that? All the time. I have a job in two days time. I won't say what it is, but I'm not fully really able to do it. But it's coming. So I have a lot of work to do to get ready for the job. How are you feeling though? Like, where's the energy? Busy. Kind of. Do you know what I did actually? I text a few people a few days ago and I said, I'm too busy. I'm just too busy. Without them prompting it. Yeah, yeah. But do you know you have the guilt sometimes? You're like, God, I haven't seen that person now for a while. And you'd be trying to like fit in a bit of a coffee here and there and you don't actually have the time.

3:16So I just said, I'm kind of up the wall and let me just get through the week and then we can do something nice. And it's good. instead of squeezing it in and do you know sometimes

3:28Denis:do you feel we probably shouldn't admit this now right because the people we have coffee with that it will be sometimes doesn't it just feel like a waste of time it can often feel like we're living different lives and we're catching up about things we've done separately and then we go away and then we meet up to catch up again Mark you're describing the fucking podcast but like we're getting paid to do this at least oh yeah But do you know what I mean? I'm like, I'd prefer if we could do something together instead of meeting to talk about things we've done. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but what can you do?

4:03But anyway, I'm...

4:04Denis:Wait, no, wait, come on. I go, all right, instead of us going for coffee, what are we going to do? You could come to Aldi's with me. Wouldn't that be fun? I would love to do that. Yeah. I'd love to see what you would recognise as the special part of the special buys. Yeah. You could come. I'm constantly going to Stokey Prince to pick up flyers, pictures of my face to put around the town. Lovely act. Non-stop job. What a day out for the both of us. I'll come do that. Could go with you to get the car washed. Do you know? I need to get the car washed. I need to get the car washed. That's kind of what people do at home.

4:39Denis:It's a big bird shit on my car. Honestly. Sorry about that. It's like the birds. It's like the birds are just waiting for me to come in. And they always shit on the door handles. it's like they're aiming or something are you having a bad week? I just don't seem to be sleeping anymore at first it was fun because it was like a bit of a reason I wasn't sleeping now I'm just generally not sleeping I think I'm going to have to lay off the caffeine I get whacked out of routines when I go away somewhere and like when I'm away then I'm drinking the espressos and I'm having espresso martinis at night and stuff and oh I just I know I love coffee but I'm definitely on edge how many?

5:18go through the day?

5:19Denis:I have a coffee when I wake up in the morning Two spoons Spoons? I know what you're going to say to me right Instance It's not I mean it's It's Alzira or whatever Okay My mother gets that When I come home Is that the fancy You're such a The tin Fucker My mother gets that Because she thinks I want fancy coffee It is fancy coffee Why not Knock at yourself a little machine No I had the whole thing before I had You see that this is the problem Okay two spoons No no no We have to handle this now Because you've You've equated me with mother coffee right I used to be completely mad into it. I used to get AeroPresses, all this stuff, filter papers and stuff.

5:54Denis:And I was just like, I don't need another neurotic passion. Just get this coffee, it's grand. A friend of mine, he drinks Nescafe, nine spoons. Nescafe, gold, nine spoons. Tar. An elephant would drone in it. But no, I have two spoons in the morning. Love that. That's probably my favorite coffee. No, actually, that's a lie. The second coffee is the best. And when would you have us? you see I was trying to keep it below about 2pm so I would have this one at I'd have a bang 8 o 'clock 8am great have you had the shower or is it like I usually shower probably after I go to the gym so I don't shower in the morning okay unless like I'm feeling really crap then I'll have a shower but then I come back from the gym and I might have another little shower or another little coffee you know that's two now before and then I'm thinking god I felt really good about that coffee I'll have another little coffee and then it doesn't work anymore so then you're like I'm going to have seven coffees I need to lay off it and the Coke Zero's I love Coke Zero I love Coke Zero we haven't spoken about this yet and I'm sure it's been brought up everywhere right this is not an original thought and I'm giving in to their marketing by doing this I understand but like the names on the Coke we've seen that obviously they're everywhere the names on the Coke are fun right you can take a picture and you can say hey you know it's Mark I got you or whatever what's happening to me is I'm just picking up my exes and people I don't want to think about ever.

7:21Denis:Guzzling them down. Guzzling them down for all the memories. And I don't want to think about them. Or, you know, just some acquaintance or something. Not even like in a relationship voice. Or something you're like, oh, I haven't thought of, you know, I don't know, Barry in six years. Remember him? Guzzling. Guzzling, yeah. Barry down your neck. What time is the last coffee? I mean, the last coffee could be at 3pm, but it's way too late. I had one at midnight last night. insane I'd often do that what time did you get to bed? two so there you go like wake up then wrecked yeah I'd love a little one after the dinner yeah but that's what I mean you're starting to be bougie and you're having like the little espresso and stuff but like there's a comeuppance there's a receipt I like a cortado I've never had a cortado beautiful I don't even know what's in it I don't know either it's like a little bit less milk than a flat white I think it's a croissant to an espresso or something I think a flat white is a bit sad now a bit lame we've moved on.

8:17Lisa loves flat whites. Well, tell her. She's just changed. Cortado. What's that? She's just changed. Come on. 10 years ago. I think they're a bit, they're something. They're too expected now. Very catty today. Very catty. I'm a bit, yeah.

8:35Denis:A bit hot and bothered today. I don't know. What were you doing? What was I doing? A momentous occasion. I don't know why we did this, right, but it happened by accident. Within a week of each other, Friday to Friday, the first Friday Lisa met my parents second Friday I met her parents oh yeah yeah we met both of them at the same time it just so happened that we were in the places that we needed to be and we said you know what we'll do it to ourselves what kind of people are they without my parents her parents her parents um let's say they're give us the the bullet points like salt of the earth yeah English through and through hardworking yeah royalists oh but in a kind of a hello magazine type way yeah do you know liked the queen mother yeah loved princess Di yeah you know that kind of a way and where roughly in the country don't go too specific a very nice part of the country country okay a home county a home county okay yeah loads of money um plenty plenty money I would say I would say doing well but wasn't handed to them you know what I mean okay so appreciated worked for it like worked for it okay we're getting a picture yeah not sure if there's any coming my way but yeah we can only hope the land land no I'd say a small little garden or whatever is there a second house a green I haven't I haven't been able to investigate that yet it's our house everyone has a bloody house in France do you know what it is Jesus Christ everyone you meet from this country has a house in France.

10:16Denis:Actually, what's wrong with it? A little nest egg? A nest egg? Yeah. That's what someone said to me before. I was talking about the housing crisis, right? And I was talking away to him. Lovely person, mate. And I was saying, well, half the problem is is that people are getting a second house, right, that they don't really need. Yeah. And they're going, a little nest egg for me? What's wrong with having a little nest egg? I have no house. Do you want to take away my inheritance? Like, I live in a bin, you know? And what was the context of the meeting? Actually, just to roll back a little bit, right, I think there was definitely about meeting parents, right?

10:46Denis:Because we're a little bit older and stuff, right? So, you know, there's been other people before us to compare. There might even be a couple of photos up on the wall, like, you know? And you're coming in now wrecking everything, you know? So there might be a little bit of judgment from my parents, you know? Like, who's this now? What about the last one, you know? Will this one last? I think I definitely get that from my parents, you know? Like, oh, here he goes again, you know? Whatever. But, met my parents and I think she was a little bit worried about like me meeting her parents and how it would come across and whatever you know just general things well mark she didn't worry because my parents were absolute chaos chaos like my whole family right if you're out there i know some of you listen to it you were disgraceful oh my mother i don't know i think she got a bit nervous around lisa or something i think they definitely knew when i came in they were like oh this serious like you know yeah this is serious so let's not mess this up.

11:40Denis:Let's not mess this up. By telling, there was 25 stories going on at the same time. Are they excited, trying to impress her? Yeah. She's very fancy. My mother told a story at the table, right? You can't believe this stuff. And also, it's the first time you're hearing it. So you can't stop it from happening, right? But you have an idea of where it's going. Oh, a new story. A new story, completely new story. That's unusual. Yeah. So we're sitting down. And again, and I think people, especially with Irish mothers, right, there's no there's no like way into the story it just happens you know like in this case like someone's talking about like oh we were cutting the hedge out the front or something and I fell in and then my mother goes oh I have a good story as well and it's just completely disconnected from what we're talking about she told a story Mark right about how when she went to Spain she was in a market and a man gave her a chocolate to eat and she said it was a big chocolate and it started sucking on it and everyone was laughing and she goes it was a chocolate penis oh just make sure you know she says the word penis maybe I don't know ten more times than she ever needs to say it zero being the appropriate amount of times to say it at the table and then of course I have two sisters as well so my two sisters are inconsolable because they know this is the worst thing ever and they're laughing their heads off there's no need to tell that story no need to tell that story didn't come up at all no and then what do my sisters start they start asking questions my mother thinks it's serious like you know like they're asking it for a serious reason sister starts going was it filled with cream and all this kind of stuff oh Jesus absolutely terrible penis yeah and then my version of that my version of that was going down to her parents meeting them and then just asking me what I do yeah and that was it but you probably wanted a bit of madness did you?

13:28no I was very I was very happy

13:30Denis:with what I was getting is there anyone else there? just the two of them? no just the two of them that sounds very calm. It was calm. And mature. Little bit of an interview though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what the best part about it was? Telling about me. Do you know, I brought you up a few times yes Mark, of course. I handed them old portraits of you. Great. I said, this is Mark. Do you know what the best thing about it was? The best moment? The mother said at the table, straight out, I was good looking. Oh. I was delighted. Is she making a move? Making a move, Mark. I don't know. I think I brought this up on the podcast before, but older older women I mean older women really like a I'm sure you're like a bi to them Like a what?

14:16A boy Like a young bi

14:20Denis:Yeah but they're really warm to me They really like it I was getting my MOT done I was actually getting my MOT done the night before Explain to the international listeners MOT is like a car test you need to get done every year then they make sure your car is roadworthy whatever right but if it's not roadworthy you can't drive the car we were going on to meet the parents the next day it was a few hours away I was real risky business with the MOT went into the MOT the two women inside there giddy giddy right they sat me down at the like at the chair behind the computer oh what the fuck was that about let's have a look at you what was that about they said sit in there in my chair while you're waiting I was like what why why And I was sitting down and she nearly opened up Minesweeper for me on the computer like Did you ever watch The League of Gentlemen?

15:09Yeah That's what I'm picturing Yeah yeah yeah That is pretty much it

15:12Denis:Young man A local village for local people They pawing and dribbling Do you know what that's a bit as well I think that older women a little touchy Did I tell you about the old woman in the museum? No It was actually when I was back in Cork right and there was a Rory Gallagher exhibition on right the guitarist for anyone who doesn't know right I was standing there and I feel this thing touching my arm Oh just like caressing my arm and I turn around right and I mean look the poor woman right like she's about 97 thousands years old right she was very old and she goes who's that pointing at the thing smiling away at me and then she keeps a hold of my arm she starts talking away to me anyway like half weirdly flirting or something I don't know what was going on and then she started talking about how she used to go back to the dances right because she was I think trying to tell me she was a big dancer right fair choose to her she used to go back to the dances somewhere, I don't know, back in Nogganegree or something, right?

16:05Denis:And then she says to me, I hope they don't ruin it. Who doesn't ruin what? She goes, I hope they don't ruin the Irish stuff. And she goes, you know who I'm talking about. And I goes, who? And she goes, the foreigners. And I was like, there it is. Sawed off. There it is. She was in with a chance. There it is. You've ruined this. You've ruined this. She was in with a chance. Yeah. Desperate. What the hell is going through their minds, honestly? What are they talking about? It's as if this woman is tripping over people that are annoying her like, you know? She spoiled her chance of a go. No, she had a chance.

16:38Denis:I was going to bring her to a dance and all. These dances that are finished 50 years ago. They've never been on. God. It's always on the surface. You can see it in the head of them. And it can be the sweetest nicest and you're like Yeah, but you hear a twinge of it or something, you know? Is this a phenomenon with you when you go home? Maybe not so much when you're on the plane, but parents always want to give you stuff I went to the bathroom and when I came back in, the mother was trying to put a necklace on Lisa. Oh. And give her a necklace. When we went out to the car, she said, oh, this is for you, right?

17:11And inside in the car, no joke, right, was six glasses, a big kind of crystal bowl and a funeral memorial card. Oh, to bring back?

17:23Denis:I don't know, where, put it up on the shelf or something? Like the whole mass, the whole thing. And you just have to take it. You just have to take the bag of stuff. Yeah. The amount of stuff that my mother has given. My mother gave me a porcelain black cat before. Yeah. As if I was crying out for it. It'd be nice. But do you get that? Does your mother have shorts? We called it off because I go with the small bag. So I'd love to bring it, but I only have the small bag. So that's kind of, that's put a stop to a lot of that. Would you actually love to? Sometimes, yeah. Well, she'd be loading you up with food and tea bags and things, but...

17:58Denis:That's grand. bits for the house can you imagine my house? like my house is very styled so if there was a a plaque or something or yeah there'd have to be a place found for it so but like I don't I don't want stuff anyway I have too much stuff so yeah the small bag and then you just blame the airlines and the airport and it's their fault yeah so I'd love to bring it but I'd love to bring home that shamrock lamp but I just can't fit it in the bag and sure you know they charge you a fortune now for the bag and you can go down and that distracts. I think half the reason honestly half the reason that like parents are so excited about like children and grandkids and stuff is because they've just got another house to put crap into.

18:43Yeah. And they're big houses. My sister now is a nice big house.

18:46Denis:She's a big farmhouse. Filled with new bits. Is it a big rectangular house facing the road? It's actually a beautiful house. Oh. Oh it's architecturally designed. Ah. Yeah. Wasn't from the manual no? No. No it's a bespoke house. There's an architect in the family. Does your immediate family, is your mother and father and stuff listen to this? I don't think so. You don't know. Would they be getting fed the kind of cliff notes from... I don't think so. No need. Okay. No need. Stay away from it. There's no need. Yeah. All right. Can we go take a little break? We'll take a little break, yeah. Let's go for it.

19:21Denis:So, what I was thinking, right, this is salacious, right? I think the first half there was lovely, right? It was very kind of warm. It was like a warm blanket. we're ripping the blanket off now right i never really brought this up before we've never really spoken about it but i was thinking about um there's only one way to come up uh i'll say actually no i'll try and keep it a little bit pg about toys oh yeah you're grimacing go on just about toys right i was thinking about them in terms of now right now i'm not in i'm not there's none of those involved in my life at the moment right these toys and stuff right but they are quite prolific and in the heterosexual world I think the I would say the majority on record and like public record would say that the the woman's side of it would probably use a toy maybe on their own more yeah and then it's like thinking about like maybe bringing that in to the couple's experience and what that kind of means I was kind of I have to say I don't mind admitting this I was kind of saying like is it taking away my job a little bit right do you know what I mean you know because look I don't I'll say it right now that thing is built to do what it's meant to do but you can't shake like I can't keep that rhythm up you know it's mad what are your thoughts on that what are your immediate thoughts on thinking that you're being replaced for my situation like if this was to happen you mean separately or together together I think that it's well maybe separately as well there is like a heterosexual straight man thing where there's a little bit oh yeah of a I'm feeling a little bit like you know threatened in that context.

20:59Denis:Yeah, or not up to standard. Because a lot of sex with men is like in those relationships is kind of measured around, unfortunately, and it shouldn't be like this, but it is in the media and stuff, performance. So like, you know, they're getting the twirly bird 5 ,000 or whatever, like you're not gonna... You can't compete. But if you, wouldn't you be very impressive if you turned up with a surprise? you bring the toy wouldn't that be exciting? Do you think I think that sounds I think that sounds like a sexy novel but I think if you turned up with like a wand you know she'd love it and then you're not putting it on her to because imagine the reaction some men if she pulls something out of the drawer because he's going to think he's not doing enough or something but if you Yeah you're admitting you're not doing enough came with the bag I said look what I got wouldn't that be nice?

21:59Denis:I don't know is that a difference I think that like you'd want to be very you'd want to get the mood very right on that Yeah You know And then everyone gets a bit embarrassed and it can get it can all feel a bit silly You have to be very yeah the right time there's no tension I think you'd nearly need to go online together or something you know or go into a shop or whatever and get something you know maybe together or I don't know, whipping it out. I know, because everyone's going to feel like, oh, why do we need this? Like, there's always going to be something that you can't do as a human. But you got your, like, you got your standard ones, right?

22:39Denis:Like, you know, your standard pieces of equipment, let's say. You can't try to keep it PG. You can't say the word, can you? No, I can't. Go on, say it. Say it. Electronic penis. Penis. Like your mother said. So you, Christ. So, in your side of things, what's out there that I might not know about? To be honest, I couldn't be bothered at this stage of my life with bits and pieces. I kind of stripped it all back a while ago. I was like, do you know what? We have everything we need here. Do you know? I can't be bothered. And the same with kind of like funny underpants and bits. Sorry, no. What are funny?

23:23Denis:Oh, you mean. Like there's a hole in the back or there's a bit. I can't be bothered. I'm like, I'm in a very like natural kind of a state and just everyday clothes and everything is kind of sexier than dressing up. There's a lot. You go through a phase when you move to the city, you go to the shops and you start buying straps and bits of leather and kind of... Oh, covered in leather. You kind of start dressing up like a gay person and you have to buy all these bits of funny underpants and tricks and rings and things. And I don't know, you get a bit swept up in it and you kind of start depending on all that stuff.

24:04Then it's like, oh, I have to dress up now because we're going to have sex. So I kind of got over that now. No judgment, but I have no need for it. What do they have? I mean, it's the same really. Things that shake and buzz. things you can rub around there's a lot of focus on like the rings

24:28Denis:and that's the maintained stability is it? or just for a bit of a style do you know a bit of fashion some of them are nice they have like little jewels straps leathery bits they're like bracelets and you can adjust the size of them. Yeah, they could be nice. That's interesting. If you're going to a party. Oh, right, yeah. So if you're going into a little party, you'd have a few bits on you. Talk in peace. But it can just get all too much sometimes. I think one nice little piece can be enough. Because, you know, even when you're in the moment or whatever and then you start rushing around for something, you can really take the buzz out.